The Chaser Report - What Did Barnaby Test Positive For This Time?

Episode Date: December 9, 2021

Barnaby Joyce has tested positive for COVID which means we are finally allowed to make Joyce jokes again, because we deserve a day off once in a while. Meanwhile Charles went to the post office and found all his future Christmas presents, meaning the office Secret Santa is going to be shit this year. Also Dom finally found someone who lost more BitCoins than Charles did. PLUS, did we mention Barnaby Joyce tested positive for COVID? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report for Friday the 10th of December 2021. Hello, Charles Firth. Hello, Dom. Hello, Gabby. Hey. It's a big news story today, Dom. Oh my gosh, don't tell me.

Don't tell me Russia's invaded Ukraine because this has been on the cards. It has been on the cards, but Dom, it is a much bigger story than that. What, Taiwan? No, no. Taiwan is a mere blip. Compared to the big story. We're actually going to have to clear the whole show. There's nothing else on the show.

What? Oh, the diplomatic boycott of the Winter Olympics gave you say. Yeah, the Winter Olympics, huge news. I look on your diplomatic boycott of the Olympics and I say, that is nothing compared to the story that has just broken. I got it. I got it. I'm on the Alan Jones Facebook page.

Oh, yeah. And it says, I will be making a major announcement this Friday. And then the last post is, Patriots, sign up to my. Facebook page. There's things going on. Is Alan Jones getting an even more obscure show than the one on Sky News? Is that the big epoch-shattering news? No, Dom. Barnaby Joyce. Wait, he's died? Has contracted COVID. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. It actually broke yesterday. I presume everyone will know this by the time we've said it, but we've cleared the show. It's just going to be Barnaby Joyce jokes back to back for the

entire episode. So please, you know, just from a work health safety perspective, please turn off the podcast now, you know, maybe stand around a toilet bowl, you know, like just in case you feel nauseous at any point during this episode. Look, I did know that that was the story. I just thought that there was actually an important news story. But this is the most fun news story today. Can I just say, from a public health perspective, you cannot catch COVID from listening to people making jokes about Barnaby Joyce catching COVID. And I say this because clearly the fact that Barnaby's caught COVID means people still don't fucking understand how to avoid getting COVID.

I just wonder how many people he had to contact. How many women he had to contact? And what was that conversation like? We also have on today's show, Charles's Gift Guide, Christmas at Australia Post. It's a wonderful time of year. If we get time for it, Dom, we may just have to keep doing Barnaby all this episode.

No, nobody has to keep doing Barnaby. I think that's the real lesson. It's all going to happen right after we check in with Rebecca Day. in the Jays and Newsroom, which will probably also be about Barnaby. Barnaby Joyce has shocked the nation after reports that he contracted a virus that wasn't an STI. Mr Joyce announced he had tested positive for COVID-19 while on a trip in the US, resulting in actor Johnny Depp immediately calling for the Deputy PM to be put down. Scott Morrison has slammed George Crue.

Christensen for appearing on the conspiracy show Info Wars, stating that it is inappropriate for government officials to endorse such views. The PM, who frequently hangs out with one of Australia's top Hewannon figures, told the media he has no clue where George would ever get such bad behaviour from. Now in sporting news, the catch of the century has just been awarded to a man who bumped his coffee mug off his desk and then caught it really. quickly. Though the moment had no actual witnesses, the man insists it was the greatest feat of agility and reflexes ever performed by humankind. That's the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno and happy Friday. No jokes. Just have a good

weekend. So Charles, you were saying something about Barnaby Joyce having contracted the novel coronavirus COVID-19. Yes, it is pretty novel for Barnaby to get a virus that isn't a sexually transmitted virus. Honestly, it's probably the only novel that Barnaby Joyce has ever come into contact with. But the worst news, actually, is that Barnaby is suffering only mild symptoms of COVID. I mean, I'm just... So our thoughts and prayers of the family who have to suffer through his recovery from

this terrible truth. Yeah, I mean, I just think his daughters must be so used to not having any contact from their father by this point. But are you telling me? Are you telling me, Charles? that Barnaby Joyce did not take precautions. That seems to one like him. You'd think he'd be right into prophylactics, you know.

I mean, you know, masks and things. Well, this is a question. I mean, he probably doesn't use condoms, being Catholic and all that. Does he not use masks? He didn't wear the masks in the pub that time? Is he Catholic? Can you not use condoms if you're Catholic? Is he Catholic? Didn't he go to a Catholic school?

Did he? Do we even do some more research? That guy prefers to believe in God? That guy... Oh, he definitely believes in God. Is a man of faith? What the fuck? It's no fucking way.

There is no other explanation for that guy becoming deputy PM again, other than the power of prayer. Or the evil one. I just actually genuinely, let's be serious for a second, I worry about him. Like, if you look at Barnaby Joyce on any given day, the sheer beetrootness, the blood pressure that must be going on in that man's system, like, is he going to survive this? Exactly. Look, I think scientists are actually welcoming this infection because it allows. Does them a sort of unique sample, like a test case for a whole lot of questions that they still don't know about COVID.

Things like, can it exist under such high blood pressure? And also, does high levels of alcohol in the bloodstream eliminate the virus? Actually, it's true. Donald Trump wanted to have bleach. Yes. And I guess Barnaby has been doing his best to kill the COVID virus from within. I mean, like, I think it's fair to say probably 90% of Barnaby is. He's just alcohol. So it may well just be, like, it's like a sort of hand sanitizer.

Yeah. What? I get rosatia when I drink wine, which is like a beat red of the face, like all the way up from like my neck to my face. Maybe because he's drunk all the time. That's why he's red all the time. It's actually just beer rosacea. Do you think what happened is he saw the hand sanitizer and instead of using it to clean

his hands, he just drank it all because he saw, you know, 85% alcohol. It's quite possible. And then he caught COVID because of that. That doesn't make sense because a guy who drinks 75% alcohol in hand sanitizer would not have COVID right now. I'm just thinking of the amount of Chardon Freude that's going around. You can imagine how much his ex-wife is enjoying this. But I think the people who would be most enjoying this current spectacle,

Pistol and Boo. Oh, yeah. I mean, they've got this on TV 24-7 at their place. Well, actually, Johnny Depp has actually called for Barney Bjorie. to be put down. He brought an infectious disease across the border into America. I think it's fair enough. Sorry, guys, I'm just getting some breaking news.

Reportedly, Pistol and Boone have both done two shakes and four begs in agreement. Yeah, no, they're being very, very good boys with this news. Well, this is the theory that he contracted COVID in the UK and brought it into America. I mean, if only someone had told Barnaby that there was a lot of COVID in the UK, I can't understand. Why doesn't he just do what he does with the climate stuff and just disbelieve it? Yes. Why don't you just say, I, sorry, I reject this test.

It's not real. I reject the science. I thought you were going to say, why doesn't he just go and herd cows for a bit and make a video? But that's not where you went with that. Oh, actually, that's true. This might end the tradition of the annual paddock video on Christmas Day. Yeah. I just don't want COVID anymore in my life.

So anyway, the message that I suppose we've got to everyone, you know, around Barnaby, his family, his friends, his colleagues is please stay safe. Don't go anywhere near Barnaby. I mean, obviously that's got nothing to do with COVID. It's general good life advice. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. Now you might have noticed that Christmas is fast approaching, guys. Yes, it is. It's that wonderful time of year. Season's greetings all. Have you done all your Christmas shopping yet? I've done almost no Christmas shopping. No shopping. I don't do Christmas shopping anymore out of principle. I think that you have to earn my affection.

So you didn't get anything for us. No, is my present it's not enough? No, actually, the real reason I never go Christmas shopping is because I never have money until about three days before Christmas Day. Yes. So it's always, it's a scramble. Oh, I always have a scramble. But I've got a mega hint for how to do Christmas shopping this year.

Oh, yeah. And because I've discovered the best shop in the world that has something for everyone. Charles, the DMV is not a shop. Okay, you can't just take people's cars. You're actually very close, Gabi, because I'm talking none other than the Australia Post shop. Have you been in there recently? I've been to Australia Post recently,

and I did notice a whole bunch of retail items stacked up around the, because the queues are always very long because they've got a lot of time to look. And I can't believe I didn't browse the shelves for bargains. It was just a lot of things with as seen on TV written on. Oh, yeah. It's exactly like that, but it's in retail shop form. So even like Christmas Eve, you could walk in there and do all your Christmas shopping in one fell swoop.

And the great news is, the best part about it is, not only are they innovative products that you definitely want to give to people, but they're incredibly cheap and shit, which is the main criteria, right? It doesn't as seen on TV generally mean this should not be seen in your house? No, it means it was seen on TV. It's famous, Dom. Famously bought by people. Let's stop judging and start actually.

Start saving. Look at this. Okay, the first one is called Fur Daddy. I think my daughter already has one of those. What do you reckon it is? I reckon it's a Merkin. That's a successful to me. Is it a cuddly figurine that a dog can chew?

It's not a murkin. It's not a cute cuddly animal that your dog can chew. It is, in fact, A sonic pet hair remover. Right? So it, you... Oh, I see. It's sort of like a vacuum cleaner, but without the vacuum.

Nice. And the sonic helps you see the fur. Is that the idea? No, it says the sonic technology loosens and lifts for a deep clean. So I think what it does is it makes a really annoying sound. It's not electronic. It's only 2495. I think it might just sort of make a sound.

and it sort of vibrates and therefore loosens your hair. I think it's really good. Sound of waves which are famously useful for cleaning. Yeah. I just think it's a waste of a great name, to be honest. Things you could call Fur Daddy. Yeah, I know, exactly. Actually, there's some shops in Newtown that I think have.

Okay, the next one is called Cup Call. What do you reckon Cup Call does? And this one is 1495. Cup Call. It's seen on TV. A combination mug and Bluetooth speaker. Oh! God, that is much better idea than what this is.

I want to go literal, and I want to say it's either like a phone built into a cup for some ungodly reason, or it's just like a play on the old like two cups in a string. Oh, two cups and a stream. Both would be better. And they've made a product out of that for some reason, even though you can pretty much make it for free at home. No, both ideas would be, I admit, a lot better than what this is, which is just, It is a thing shaped like a cup that you can mount your phone on so that when you're in the car and you have the cup holder,

you can just fill the cup holder with this thing. Oh. And it holds your phone. I've seen that. So it's a mount. It's a plastic mount. And the good thing is no installation, no magnets, no suction cups. Except no cup holder.

If you use it, you can't use your cup holder. And look, it's great because it says, easy charging access, which means it doesn't have any charges. It's just... It provides the angle at which you need to charge with, yeah. It's got hands-free calling. I presume that's not because of this device. Because it's Siri.

It's describing what your phone can do. And then great for GPS navigation. These are all things that are nothing to do with the product. Yeah. Anyway, so that's good. Cup call. Um, is anyone, okay, we might just ramp it up a bit and go for some of the... I know what you two are getting for Christmas.

The high-end market. Oh, yeah. What about, uh, this is, this is 3999. So this is one of the most expensive things in the times. What do you think I am made of money? 3995. Isn't that the same as like a standard letter cost at Australia Post these days? It's right.

So, but this one you can just buy on the spot rather than wait six to eight weeks. Yeah, yeah. So this one is called the Mighty Sight. What do you reckon the mighty sight does? I actually have a guess, a genuine guest? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this those glasses that when you're lying down, they are like mirrors so you can like see a TV from like lying flat?

Oh, that's a genius. I want them, but no, it is not. Oh, it's not those. I mean, I'd feel pretty mighty. Are they, like, bifocals where like part of it's like super magnifying? Oh, yes, yes, but they're better than that. Are they just glasses? They are glasses, but they've got batteries, like the battery powered.

Oh, they're glasses with built-in light, so you can read at night. Oh, so they, it's two things. They fit over your prescription glasses. They also have 160 times magnification, or 160% magnification. They've got two little light bulbs, the side of the thing. They sort of look trendy, don't they? No, they make you look like a dick. Yeah, they make you look like a fuck-wit.

So if you imagine a thing that's over your glasses with two to the LED like bright white lights on either side. And the slogan is, makes everything easy to see, which is great. And who would have thought that the humble post office could contain such a corny copier of delights? Very Christmas, Charles. I actually, I think I'd be more interested in.

Let's get a product as seen on TV. Okay. That's our mission. For next Christmas, we will get a stupid product sold in Australia post shops around Australia. Sounds good. You know, there is actually one layer below as seen on TV, which is as heard on a podcast. Yeah, let's do it. The Chaser Report, more news, less often.

Now, Charles, I know that one of the things that bugs you in life is that you lost your Bitcoin. Yes. But I've got a story here that I hope will make you feel a bit better. Okay. In August 2013, a man called James Howells was about to go on holidays with a mate to sort of a lad's drinking trip. And he just wanted to do a bit of tidying up around his office. He was kind of an IT guy.

And he had a hard drive. He had two hard drives and one of them wasn't very good and one of them had a bit of random backups on it. And he decided to throw them both into a trash bag. And then he said to his partner, can you just take those to the trash with some other stuff? And then the following morning, he woke up and he went, hang on a sec. I think I knew what's on that hard drive but by then it was too late

and the hard drive was already was already in the tip basically what was on the hard drive were keys to Bitcoin so the access codes the pass code to get into a Bitcoin wallet which is now worth $500 million

Oh my God who's going digging this man would be as wealthy as the Queen of England England, if he had not taken a hard job. Imagine how frustrated you'd feel, you'd wake up every morning just going, I mean, I feel like most Bitcoin users do wake up every morning, feeling like that. So it's somewhere in, it's somewhere in landfill.

Yes. And like, he was initially going, well, do I go to the, do I go to the dump? Do I go looking for this thing? Yes, yes, you do. Yeah, hold on. Locky, in the edit, you need to put some of the pirate. of the Caribbean underscoring happening now. Copyright blocked by the fucks at Disney.

And so he first confessed to his partner about this when the Bitcoin was worth a mere $6 million. He went to the dump and he said to the manager, look, I've thrown away all this money. And he actually had a good look. And there was 10 to 15 soccer pitches worth of garbage. Oh, my God. It's a great New York article.

It's about like the whole process of can I do this? Can I find that somewhere... Yes. They're good in the garbage. He has to go to talk to the council officials that try and get through. I don't know if he's ever going to get it, Charles. So it could be a lot worse than your situation. Yeah, in some ways, to me, this is a good news story.

This is a feel good story because it's like somebody has lost more than me of Bitcoin. And so I can now rest easy knowing that my thousand Bitcoin, which is lying somewhere. And I haven't even thrown out the hard drives. You know what the lesson is. I know the moral of the tail, Dom. What's the moral of the tale? The moral of the tale is never tidy up. You've seen my office.

It's true. We've all seen your office. Oh, by the way, half a billion dollars, that's US dollars. Ah! Shit. That's like a trillion Australian dollars now. So he's trying to get some people to invest so he can basically buy the entire dump. Oh.

And just go through it, item by item. Which actually leads to me, Dom to my announcement. Oh, yeah. Which is that I am currently seeking investors in my scheme to discover my thousand bitcoins. No. So if anyone wants to wire me some money. They can just use your payouters, don't they?

Yeah, just use my PayPal and send me the money. And I promise I'll share with you. I'll use it to get the Bitcoin and I'll promise I'll pay you back. Alternatively, if you're not. you send me $1,000 to my PayPal, I'll make sure that we never discuss Bitcoin on this podcast ever again. Oh, that's a much better offer. Yeah, and I really need the Christmas money.

Yeah, just invest in Charles's Bitcoin. Now, Gary is from Road Microphones. We're part of the Acast Creator Network, and we'll catch you this afternoon.