The Chaser Report - Where Is Kate Middleton???

Episode Date: March 3, 2024

A member of the British Royal Family is missing, which can only mean one thing for Charles and Dom: heinous speculation. And pegging jokes, because we're classy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles is a mystery. Ooh, what? We need to know. What? I think you and I are just the guys to get to the bottom of probably the most important question in the world right now.

Oh, the mystery that's confound of millions. Is it about Trump and Biden? Much more important than that. Which octogenarian controls the nuclear arms or? No, no, no. This is about young, funky, fresh people, Charles, or sort of, from our perspective. Okay, this sounds very... This is a royal mystery.

You suddenly made me incredibly bored. Where, Charles? Where is the Princess of Wales? Catherine. I mean, we know where the last one was, right? It was pretty graphic. What happened to her? There was no doubt where she was.

Yeah. What about this one? What's happened to this one? Well, I'm going to say, have they checked the Paris Tunnel? I ponder that during this tasteful commercial. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore?

FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. So Catherine Princess of Wales, Charles, We know that there was a medical situation. She hasn't been seen since Christmas, since Christmas day. Three weeks later, the Kensington Palace came out and said,

Catherine had been admitted to the London Clinic. I don't know how they come up with the name of that. The London Clinic to undergo a planned abdominal surgery. They always say this. They always say it's planned. And I'm really surprised that the death notice for the Queen didn't have. Her Majesty has just gone for a planned fatality. Everything is fine.

She'll return to duties in... In the G-Course. So, look, I know that Royal Gossip is unbelievably boring, usually. Yeah. But essentially, there is no greater story on TikTok at the moment than this story. Oh, it's very important. Like, every single TikTok are doing deep dives into this thing. And the great thing about this story is that there is no information, right?

You can't verify anything about this story because the palace is keeping mum, The Prince William is not saying anything. Nobody's saying anything, which allows us the freedom to speculate as wildly as we like. As we did on Friday's episode to do with the spy, which we still don't know who that was, by the way. Could it have been somehow linked to Princess Catherine? Is it possible that she was involved in the espionage? Well, this is the thing. Like, there is a constitutional matter at stake here.

Kate Middleton's not just nothing to do with Australia. She's the future queen. Future queen of Australia in her own right. It's important to note that due to the bizarreness of the way the monarchy works, it's not that the British queen becomes our queen, not anymore. It's that the queen of the United Kingdom is at the same. Well, the king is at the same time, King of Australia is a separate thing.

We've just somehow chosen as our monarch, the same one they have in the UK. Does that technically mean that if we decided to appoint another king or queen, we could have the same system, but just not make it the British version? I think we could. I can't remember whether it's the constitution. or one of the just acts of parliament, you'd have to change.

I kind of feel like Tony Abbott would have done that. Tony Abbott, but it would have been, it would have been like, I'm going to appoint someone different. You know who it should be? Prince Philip. Yes, it would have been Prince Philip because he wouldn't have wanted the lady queen. He would have made Prince Philip King. That's what he would have done.

Yeah, absolutely. And I mean, look, I'm surprised. Scott Morrison, of course, would have appointed Lara Bingle as queen. If that would be possible. Russell Crow, presumably. Russell Crow. Yeah, South, the bunnies. King Russ. Actually, go, King Russ.

But the speculation is where is she gone. And at the same time, we should point out, the only thing that they've said is that it isn't cancerous. So you know it's not cancerous, whatever it is. Or at least, that's what they say. So we're allowed to comment on it because it's not bad taste. No, although is that what they'd say if it was cancerous? Like, aren't these people dedicated to misinformation?

Oh, how far into the rabbit hole do we have to go to it? Well, let me add another layer. You know what is cancerous, Charles? Whatever is keeping King Charles off the stage? he's got cancer. They haven't said what sort of cancer. We know, we don't know what's going on? There's a lot happening.

I think we know, don't we know that it's pancreatic cancer? I think we do know that. Yeah. Oh, you've got higher sources in the palace. There was a, there was a leak from the palace. I don't think that's one of the good ones. No, no. It's one of the very fatal, very quickly ones.

It's one of the ones where... You're right. It has been leaked. It's been leaked. Yeah. By a palace spy in a recent conversation with National Inc. so it doesn't get much more reliable than that okay yeah so maybe you know like dial down the so imagine that you're reading the daily mail um as you're as you're listening to this

podcast just to sort of keep some skepticism at bay but you know the best rumor that i've heard about kate middleton and we can we can get to all the different ones but the best one i've heard is that this actually stems back to when the queen died right and so what was happening is Apparently, Kate Middleton, very fond of the cocaine. Oh, really? Yeah, the nose candy. As her slim figure may suggest. Is everyone skinny now suspicious?

I guess rich British people. I mean, you can't, I don't think there's any other way to stay slim on a British diet, is there? Well, I seem to remember that cocaine, at least back in the 90s when you visited London, was treated a bit like an after-dinner mint. I mean, this would endear her to you. You're a pro-cocaine, if I recall, every second episode of the podcast. I'm not saying that to besmirche in some ways. I'm saying she's the queen of Australia.

But no, no. But the thing that the rumor is, so the queen dies, this is the timeline, the queen dies, Kate can't get her supply from the queen anymore. What? Well, this is the rumor. The queen was the person who had the good supply and was keeping Kate, you know, You know, in good supply. The connect for Kate Middleton.

A well-known member of the sort of trendy set in, trendy young set in London, is getting the good stuff from Her Majesty. This is slanted, Charles. Fortunately, it's of a dead woman who can't sue you. But the thing is, Dom, that it all fits in and makes sense. Because who, like, if you were a drug dealer to Her Majesty, the Queen, you would make sure that she got the best shit, right? Like, you wouldn't, like, that is who's going to get, she's the, literally, it's queen shit, you know, like.

Royal Grey. Wouldn't that be amazing? You can imagine the pills with the little, um, by appointment. With a little crest on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, by appointment. Yeah. So, so, so, and the point is, so then Kate had to sort of started going off the rails towards the end of last year because her regular supply of, you know, A grade Coke had dried up. And by Christmas, she was a complete wreck.

she had to be put into rehab because the quality of the stuff that she was getting was, was, uh, was, and that's why they said it was abdominal surgery because they knew abdominal surgery, you know, it can take weeks to recover from. Right, right, right. And so the theory was, oh, she'll be out of sight through a month or two. Is it that she's drying out or she's finding a better supply? Because if queens get good Coke, guess what she's going to be? She's going to be queen one day.

Yes. And it'll be bad, but the thing is, the queen. was much older than Kate Middlewood. So her supplies, you know, she would have been, you know, in with the supplies who'd been around for, you know, 70, 80 years. Oh, for the swinging 60s, yeah. Lord Snowden, the party set. Margaret would have set up the connect initially, presumably.

Now, Charles, can I add us out a bit of complexity to this? I put the very tasteful term, Catherine Middleton, uh, cocaine, into, uh, a search engine. I am. From 2015, Royal Baby News, cocaine found in Kate Middleton's hospital toilet at St Mary's. And this is from the mirror, so a very, very classy source. Cocaine may have been snorted, they report.

In toilets, just yards from the private hospital ward where the Duchess of Cambridge is about to give birth. Now, I'm not suggesting that she would have taken cocaine while pregnant. Is it just the case that in the UK any toilet has cocaine in it? Yeah, look, I think we can't read too much into that. So there was a toilet. All that we found was that there was a toilet. Yeah, well, and also, like, I think the point is, you know,

it could well have been that the baby had started taking cocaine. Oh, the baby was the connect. Like, 24 hours in London, you know where to get the cocaine. Sure. You know what I mean? I imagine that someone sidles up to you in the neonatal ward. Yeah, yeah. You know how, you know, drug dealers are often called, like, doctor this and doctor that?

Yeah, they get the health treatment. Yeah, the doctor. So the NICU, the newborn intensive care unit, is probably the, newborn intensive cocaine unit in the UK, I'd imagine. The other rumour, which doesn't necessarily go against this rumour, in some ways they sort of compliment each other, is that William, Prince William, is an absolute fucking asshole, right? Well, he's been very mean to Harry, hasn't he?

He's been mean to Harry, there's been trouble in Paradise. Apparently, a lot of the rumours that were spread about Megan and Harry were rumours to deflect attention away from William and, um, Kate's whole problems, because you know how William and Kate, William loves, what's it called? I assumed you were going to sort of put a peg into this conversation at some point. Let's get on that even classier subject after this, shall we? Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? Fizz is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes.

Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.com. The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. Yeah, so this is the rumor from years ago. To forget the details, just the word pegging, I'm not saying that there's anything any connection to the royal family at all,

but if you put it into a web browser, some may disagree, Charles, some may disagree. Well, I can tell you exactly what the allegations are. And I don't think it's evident in an allegation, I think it's completely open. There was a book written about it, which is Prince William loves a pegging, which I think he probably explains why it's such,

a massive asshole. He, and Kate doesn't like it. It's not her thing. So there's this other woman who William has been going out with for years to do for all his pegging needs. I can't remember her name. It's the marchioness of Chumley. It's the best, it's the best term ever.

Rose Hanbury, her name is. Can we just report, can we just report this story in a classier way, Charles? These are the royals. Can we do it the way that Rolling Stone reported in their article? A royal rumor might be. inspiring straight men to get pegged, and that's beautiful. Apparently, searches for pegging went up 400% after the river began circulating, and what they're saying, what they're saying in Rolling Stone here, is that his Royal Highness's

legacy was actually the hashtag, his greatest achievement thus far, was the hashtag Prince of Pegging. That was his major life achievement. Which sort of, that's a bit sad, isn't it? Because it's not that greater hashtag. I mean, he's not king yet. Give the guy time. He's only just become Prince of Wales.

So the point is, like his first. father before him, Prince William has this side hustle, you know, Rose, who it would seem is a bit of the Camilla in their relationship. Are you saying that a member of the royal family would cheat on their spouse? The spouse that they swore in the Westminster Abbey, or wherever it was, to love forever, or at St Paul's Cathedral, are you saying that a royal family would, remember of the royal family would break their marriage, vouchers? Yeah, and I'm saying it's a sort of intergenerational cycle of abuse, is what I'm saying.

I think William has gone in with the expectation. that, well, I'm going to be king one day, I can get to do what the fuck I like, I'll make an arrangement. But, you know, it's probably a bit more open than it was with Diana. With Diana, it was just pure psychological abuse. With this, with Kate, it's sort of like, well, you're just going to have to put up with it type thing. And apparently, the rumours are that actually it's completely in arrangement, you know, they're all consenting adults, you know. But that actually in recent months, you know, and possibly fueled by her lack of access to high-quality cocaine now that the Queen has died, Cade has sort of spiraled and is no longer particularly happy with this.

Oh, she's not going to put up with the peg. Yeah, and sort of wants to renegotiate essentially her contract with William, you know, the tacit agreement that they've got, and, you know, sort of pave a more independent way. And this is absolutely chown up in the evidence. So for the last six months, there's been dozens of occasions where Kate and William are going and doing independent events. They usually, before that, they sort of would do all the events together. And that's all started to crumble away. And the rumor is she's just, because she's gone off to her family home.

Like it's not the... It's not the Palace. No, she's like... Oh, she's with her family, you're saying. She's with William's in-laws, basically. Oh, really? So her own, yeah, that's where she's convalescing. And it's sort of like, well, I'll reappear once. Either you drop Rose, I suppose, or, you know, we negotiate a slightly different arrangement where...

And both should be able to play around, shouldn't they? Yeah, exactly, exactly. Both should be able to play around. Probably something to do with the quality of coke coming into the castle. Like I would say, I'd be renegotiating that. I mean, that would be the first thing, presumably, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So, all right. Well, I'm just putting, taking this all into account of what's going on. So you're saying basically, the happy marriage is Megan and Harry at this point. Yes, yes. That is exactly what I'm saying. Is Harry getting pegged? How's he coping?

No, and there was a specific rumour dropped about, some horrible rumoured dropped about Megan Markle on the same day that the Prince William Pegging incident, that like news came out and the argument is that prince william absolute asshole that he is has been literally using harry and megan as a foil to manage his own shiny image yeah okay yeah charles um there's been a statement you made it up to see this only just come out from the palace this is real um they asked so so some gossip columnists because this is a very big question that's going on that we're getting the bottom yeah yeah totally the bottom of they went and asked kens and palace what's what's going on where is where is where

Where's the princess? And the rep said, and you've got to say it in the proper voice. Kensington Palace made it clear in January that the timelines of the princess's recovery and we'd only be providing significant updates. That guidance stands. So they've just said, we didn't tell you, therefore there's no significant news. Therefore, shut the fuck up. Right.

I don't think that's how TikTok works nowadays. No. I don't think... Just because they decided... No, we're not going to tell you anything about the people that you pay tens of millions. of pounds to a year. How dare you ask? How dare you ask about what your taxpayer money is doing?

So what's happening is? They're all canceling. All the royals are canceling events. So King Charles has already said, I'm not doing any more events. No. Which is fair enough. I mean, if he has banked out of cancer, if that's true, God. Yeah, yeah.

One of the great ironies, just goes to show, the irony of waiting his whole life to be king. And then you get that news when you haven't been around for a full year since the coronation. Yeah. And then, and then Cape Middleton's canceled. because her coke supply isn't good enough. And then Prince William, just the other day, his godfather died. Yes, I saw, yeah. And he pulled out of that event an hour before he was supposed to turn up.

And it wasn't, it wasn't to say, oh, because my dad or my wife or whatever, it was just personal reasons, quote, unquote. Which I reckon means maybe there's trouble in paradise with Rose. Oh, in his love relationship. Yeah. Well, it was not, it's not a love relationship. In his peg relationship, the key to a royal's heart is the peg. That's love. Actually, we do know that earlier in the year, King Charles had a procedure for an enlarged prostate.

Actually, no, no, no, I've got it the wrong way around, haven't I? Charles was the one who wanted to be a tampon, not the other way around. Yeah. You've got to check which things going where in the royal family. It's very hard to know. But this is what we pay for, Dom. It is. This is what we pay for.

Yeah. Now, look, just before we go, helpfully, the Fox TV in the US, the digital team is put together some of the theories about where Kate Medleton is. Oh yeah, yeah. Here is some suggestions. These are directly read from the website and they've gathered them from social media. She might be great. And Dom, I'm happy to comment on all of these ones because I'm across all the rumours. Yeah, of course you are. Of course you. She could

be growing out her bangs. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yep, yep. That's because the whole thing is that takes four months, right, to do. And she's been gone since Christmas. It's reaching about the three-month mark. The speculation that it should probably reappear in April. rule, that totally makes sense. So that could be true. So I've suggested that she was working at or perhaps lost in the Glasgow Willy Wonka experience. Have you seen this?

This is my favourite thing that's happened this year. Yes. No, that was a craptastic event. The world's worst tourist. It actually makes you a live show seem like genuine value for money. If you haven't seen it, just Google Glasgow Willy Wonka. It's the funniest thing I've seen in years. Yeah, it's the best thing as well because it was the first thing.

first attempt ever to use AI to write the script for a show the whole thing including all the marketing materials which is developed using AI and you're just going okay our jobs are safe we don't have to worry about AI like as performers as writers as graphic designers we are completely in the clear yeah 100% so that's that's one uh filming celebrity big brother now that that's possible she's in the Celebrity Big Brother house. That's a way to try and bolster the royal family, isn't it? I don't think that unless Big Brother has a sort of special room for the Coke. Oh, you think she wouldn't want to do the camera?

Isn't that the diary room? The diary room. You'd have to be able to turn off the cameras. I don't think she wants. Like, you see what I mean? Like, I think there's just logistical problems. Because she might need to powder her nose. Ah, yes.

That's how you do it. All right. Yep. No, I like that. sacrificed in some way to bolster King Charles's health. If he needs some organs, maybe he needs a new pancreas. I don't think she'd survive if there'd been a pancreas taken out, would you? I think the misogyny of the royal family runs deep, but it seems a little in practice.

No, but also, isn't it Prince Harry? Isn't that why it's the air and the spare? Isn't Prince Harry down to provide organs? I think so. Yeah, that's right. They probably just don't want to get it from Megan because, you know, Oh She's not of the right race

That's what they'd say I'd find a mean a way to say it She could be recovering From some sort of face or body altering surgery Oh yeah BBL Yeah what's BBL? Bart, breast and leg lift Oh okay

BBL Yeah yeah Not the big bash leave That's the big rumour Because that again takes about four months to cure You're like to get over I mean what if she comes out Looking like the

The marianess or whatever say of Chumley She's like, snap. Yeah, I mean, I would enjoy watching Royal Observers try and spin that into a favourable yarn. And finally here it says, living out her true identity is Banksy. And this is the one where I think, because she went to an art school with Prince Andrew. No, and ever since she disappeared from sight, there have been no new Banksy's. That is true. Wow.

Right? They haven't been any new Banksy since Christmas. exactly coincides with the time when Kate wasn't there. Mind you, wouldn't you expect that if Kate has disappeared, that there would be more Banksis appearing. If she was Banksie, she'd be producing them now. Because she'd have lots of time on her hand. So it doesn't quite make sense.

But, yeah, look, I think that that... I mean, that probably coincides with the rumours that she's also in some ways indisposed. Yeah. So, yeah, I reckon she's Banksy. I reckon that's definitely true. Because, you know, an upper-class British twat, you know, has the politics over Banksy. Doesn't it? Like, that's, that's

Banksy's politics, he's sort of pro-ruling class, pro-maintaining the status quo. Oh, I think it's, you know. Yeah, Banksy's long career of campaigning against the police, that's right. And, um,

and pro-Palestinian advocacy. Yeah, that would be a, that would be an amazing fucky to the Royal Family. It would be an amazing. Wouldn't that be fantastic? Well, while we're speculating, one more thing. Um,

there's been another death in, in the extended family, Thomas Kingston, uh, the husband of the late Queen Elizabeth's first cousin, Lady Gabriela Windsor died at 45. Suddenly, you know who he previously dated before marrying Lady Gabriella Windsor?

Oh, who? Pippa Middleton. I don't know how to exactly join those dots. Conspiracy runs deeper. It gets layers within layers, pegs within pegs, Charles. Pegs within pegs. Have we managed to make this interesting

or is this still as boring as all royal family gossip? I mean, I think we've managed to... In the end of the day, if one royal doesn't turn up anymore does anyone even notice certainly not here in Australia if they all suddenly disappeared it would simply not affect anything it would just literally like the only reason we know that Kate's missing is because like people are talking about it right but it doesn't actually affect anything at all like hospitals can still be opened without royals isn't it the case envelopes can still be you know

delivered whatever whatever they don't do anything I mean aren't you only interested in this because of the drug connect, let's be honest. Well, let's just say, I think it's the most credible theory and I love it. I think, and it all fits in. And it also explains why the Queen killed Diana

doesn't it? Because... Oh, let's stop the podcast. She got a pretty big Our Curious from Road. We're part of the Acomicast Network, that's at. Rageous, or is it? Or is it? See it tomorrow. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore.

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