The Chaser Report - Where Is Riskier: Perth Or Adelaide?

Episode Date: August 29, 2024

Have you ever wondered which cities in Australia are the riskiest? Well Dom has the list for you, thanks to a PR mail out which made the weirdest possible link to its advertising client. Seriously, there's no chance you guess what the sponsor is supposed to be. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. Dom, with Andrew. Once again, hello, Andrew. Hello there, Dommy. I have some breaking news for you. I got an email this very morning at 201am.

Oh, there's no right to disconnect happening there, Domi. Boy, boy, who's emailing you with such urgency at 201? I was, Don White. Delighted to get this email. email. Good news, isn't it. A few publicists have my email from my days in radio. It doesn't seem to be the publicists to, you know, offer you free tickets and VIP guests.

You always know that they don't know who you are when you get an email that starts like this. Hi, Dom, after coming across some of your articles online, I thought you may be interested in this release. Now, just to be clear, I don't write articles online. I haven't written one in the past, I haven't written one in the past year or two. And occasionally I do radio in various places. Those are not articles.

Andrew, I put it to you that I'm not producing articles, so there's no chance this woman came across my... Oh, well, look, she might be interested in history or archives. I mean, you know, there was a time, wasn't there, when you used to write the occasional Fairfax opinion piece airing your views many years back. I mean, maybe she's gone on a deep dive, like a Domi Knight deep dive. Then I realized my views were tedious not to be shared with anybody.

But no, look, I may get back at some point. I quite enjoyed that. So, but the thing is, this, particularly one. Normally they just send you random rubbish that's been funded by their sponsors. But this one has news, I just knew that even though it's a free plug for a company, I have to share this news with you, Andrew, because this is entitled Safety Snapshot, mapping Australia's safest and riskiest regions. And I thought you and our wonderful listeners would want to know where's safe and where is dangerous. I think it would. I mean, we might need to prepare to move. I mean, we probably

We have to prepare to move home immediately. What if we're living in a risky region? Absolutely right. How would we not know that? Wouldn't you know that already if you were living in a risky region? So I will reveal all. I guess not. I will reveal all after this.

That, my friend, is what we call in the industry. A hook. No one would have skipped the ads that time. No, no, no. Not when there's risk involved. Okay. So I'm going to build up to, my favorite thing about this is the company that has sponsored this research.

Okay, we'll get to that because that's the whole point of this exercise, right? As you hear this information, have a think to yourself about what kind of company might have conducted this survey because it's quite the mystery. And dear listener, please play along at home because I don't think you'll guess, but the answer is extraordinary. I mean, I can have a shot right up front on me. I mean, it's an article or a piece about like risky regions to live in, right? Should we do that?

Should we work out how it is before we say what's risky? Let's go. Let's keep the data from the listeners for a while longer. Take a shot. Who do you think has released? I mean, logic would say, look, you know, the obvious thing to guess, I suppose, is it's like a home alarm system company. Somebody's selling burglar alarms. Yeah, that's a very good guess.

I'm not close? Sort of. Okay, okay. I mean, look, the product that this company sells is related to safety, risk and danger. But it is not a home alarm company. That would be far too sensible. Right. Maybe it's a high-vis

company. Somebody who makes high-vis jackets. Like a bunnies? They're very safe. Again, that would be really quite lateral. You know, you know that if you're in the very dangerous place which we'll get to, you would need high-vis. And in fact, I think that's true. I think in this place you would need high-vis. They've also got a formula for danger score.

They've actually released the mathematics of how they calculate danger, which I'll get to as well. I'm terrified to find out what my area. Like bordering on inappropriate companies. Oh, my gosh. I wonder if they're like a sort of a bodyguard for hire company. Am I getting closer there? You're getting closer.

It relates to bodies. The body is involved. Yes, indeed. Well, no, look, you might have to give me some info, Tommy. I'm at a loss now. Okay. So this is expert research, Andrew. It says, I'm just reading from the release here,

using death, crime and natural disaster rates. and they've figured out the most dangerous places in Australia. Where do you think, which state do you think is the dodgiest? And this is a big surprise to me. Well, look, I thought, I mean, if you can include the territories, I thought the whole point of the Northern Territory election was because it was so horrendously dangerous to spend even five minutes in the Northern Territory

that they had to get a new government to fix it up. Is it there? No, no, it's not. It's not the NT. They're not even in the top 10. The NT is not even in the top 10 most dangerous region. Oh, okay. So it's not necessarily a hole, all right.

So NT's fine. Dangerous regions. I mean, I think, look, parts of Melbourne are a bit iffy and where I'm living. And I think if you sort of get into the northern suburbs of Geelong, I'm told that's, you know, you might not be safe walking the streets at 3 a.m., perhaps. All right. You're getting closer. So Melbourne, look, now where you are is fine and the north is fine.

South Melbourne has a danger score of 72. And in a Melbourne, in a Melbourne, 65. Out of how many points? I don't know. It's an abstract danger score. I can explain how they calculate it. Well, it might be out of 10,000.

It's not very dangerous at all. I'm not sure. Exactly. Who's calculated. But they've released the formula. I'll share that too. There's just so much information to share today. Well, South Melbourne, look, that is pretty dangerous.

If you're in the advertising business, There's a lot of advertising companies in South Melbourne who will be out to fleece you you know, if that's what it's about. Or if you're in danger of just seeing somebody with a waxed moustache. Or someone, I suppose, you could be patronised, can't you in South Melbourne?

Oh, high patronisation of danger in South Melbourne, a lot of media and advertising happening there. Yes, we used to do a bit of radio in South Melbourne, didn't we? We were assholes back then. That's right. Look, we were asshole. I was back, yes, well, you know, we were making our show for Triple M and I was sitting in the South Melbourne studio while you were in the Sydney studio.

That's right. Look, we were in danger, very much of danger of being axed from Triple M. That was the danger there. So, yes, I think the 72 might partly be from our experience on that station. It was a danger and it was. It came true. We were. Yes, yeah.

Well, there's a lot to this study, Dommy. I wouldn't dismiss the study. The most dangerous place, by a long way, apparently, is in a Perth. In a Perth. Is it? In a Perth, it was a score of 2-1. And that's because the crime rate is apparently out of control. They've got a crime rate, however they work it out of 522. Whereas inner Melbourne's only 159, South Melbourne's 175, 522, a high death rate.

Boy. And a reasonable chance of a natural disaster, apparently. So it says here, anecdote evidence from residents, so they're using a lot of great data here. Anecdotal evidence from residents, I'm quoting, suggest this might be due to the business area of inner Perth, having little residential housing, so it becomes a hot spot for crime after workers have left for the evening.

It also holds the city's most lively nightlife streets with higher levels of crime. So there you go. Can you guess which the second most dangerous city is? And this was a shock to me. Oh my God. Well, look, I mean, I'm never heading back to Perth again on my tours as long as I live. I have no plans to go to Perth.

That's terrible. I've been there. Thank goodness they put Perth so far away from every other city in the whole world. Yeah, no, had I known that. I mean, I bet you the most dangerous place is that in Perth is that little fake London Street that they've got, the one that looks like a pretend, you know, oldy, worldly London Street. I could imagine you might get, you know, you might get hit upon there by an urchin. Yeah, a chalmy pickpocket with art of gold, but also with your wallet.

Yeah, that's right. Some sort of Dickensian type A ragamuffin, Andrew Some ragamuffin Or a regular Ralph Nickleby Might come out and, you know Steal all your money Because he's so miserly and nasty

But the little patches of, you know Coal dust on his cheek would be You just want to chuck his little villainous cheeks Wouldn't you? Okay, so anyway, sorry The second most dangerous place After the Fake London Street in Perth Is where?

It's Adelaide. I'm absolutely shocked by this Adelaide. Wouldn't you need a congregation of people in order to have that? But then again, I remember when we toured to Adelaide in Heinley Street, do you remember there was the one street, it was the whole of Adelaide's nightlife, as far as I can tell. There was the McDonald's with the giant piles of rubbish on the floor,

and then a bit further along the street, there were fancy wine bars, and I think that's the only place to go out in the whole of probably South Australia. Is that right? Oh, look, yeah, Hindley Street's absolutely wild. And if you can, and if you stop in the Woolshed, the Woolshed on Hindley. Now that's where you're after a blood bath, Yeah, maybe hoppy. No, actually, I love the woolshed.

I love the woolshed. It's not that rural, is it that the shearing sheep in Highland Street? Oh, it's pretty sleepy. Adelaide, yeah, you know, you do see the old, the odd flock of sheep being shepherded along Hindley Street. I wouldn't be surprised. All right, well, bizarrely enough, so that's Adelaide. Then there's Western Australia. Perth, East and Perth West are number three and four.

Oh, right. Perth is not good. Perth is not good. You can't go in the middle and you can't go east. He can't go west. Apparently north and south berth are all right. Oh, they're okay, are there? Oh, right.

So then we have South Brisbane. I think Brisbane's gotten off very lightly because Fortitude Valley is not in the south of Brisbane because that's deadly. Fortitude Valley is not deadly anymore, Dommy. When were you last in Fortitude Valley? In February. It's a beautiful, trendy place. It's very trendy, but yeah, you can get your punch on, I think, can't you? Well, I don't know if you can anymore.

Like, it's very bougie now. You know what it reminded me of? Where? It was a sort of a, it's like a. a cross between Melbourne and Dubai. It's like they've taken the kind of cool bars and aspects of Melbourne, and they've redone them in a really hygienic, you know, washed down, sort of gleaming, gold-plated manner.

It was very trendy. Yeah, I did karaoke. There was a bar that had a stage where you could do karaoke. It was actually really fun. So I haven't been to South Brisbane, so clearly those are the mean streets of Brisbane. Then we move further down. Look, the bizarrest thing is...

The only place in New South Wales here is the far west and Iranah, so they're clearly not bringing all the gangland shootings into account. There's no Sydney at all. And then Bunbury comes in number 10. So, yeah, there's really not much else. Townsville's on the list. And then the least dangerous place.

Where do you think the least dangerous region is? Oh, the danger score of just 6.6, bearing in mind that Perth was 211. Like, really safe. Well, I imagine, look it depends what kind they're talking about natural disasters aren't there so you

Natural disaster rate of zero Death rate of four and crime rate are only 13 Maybe somebody Somewhere where nobody lives Maybe the centre of the Nullabor Or somewhere where there's no human beings I would guess first

That'd be good Alternatively A very boring sort of place Like a very dreary suburb in Sydney Where somewhere really boring Somewhere in Sydney Like the suburb of West Lee In Sydney

That'd be like that Ride. Ride is number nine. North Sydney in Hornsby is number 10 on the safest. Northern Beaches is number 8. But by far the safest on this data is the ACT. Oh, of course. That would be safe. Because it's fully the only people who live there are, you know, sort of cashed up public servants and they have no reason to be dangerous. It says here, given the high level of security surrounding government operations and the protection given to officials, this low crime rate is perhaps unsurprising. I wonder if they've actually done research or they've just gone, oh, yeah, this person. Probably some government security in Canberra, number one. Yeah, well, obviously, those embassies have high fences.

So what they've done, they've got the death rate. So it's really just the danger, it's just a number of people who die. So if there's nursing homes, you're screwed. Natural disasters, they've worked out. And then they've tried to, I won't go through the whole mass, but Chaz would be very scathing about the mass that they've used here. Yeah, yeah, but he would. Criminal rate and natural disaster rate.

All right. So the dangerous index is 0.3 times death rate plus 0.4 times criminal rate, Plus 0.3 times natural disaster rate. So there you go. If you're in those places, so for me in Sydney, it's apparently quite safe. You're safe in Sydney. I'm safe in Melbourne as long as I stay away from the terrifying suburb of South Melbourne. Apparently, so.

So you're probably wondering, I feel very safe after that. I'm very glad, Andrew. You're probably wondering what the point of all this is. I will reveal the company that did this research and sent out this press release to try to get people talking about safety after these delightful ads. The Chaser Report, more news, less often. Andrew, what's the point? What's the point of it all, Dommy?

The company that, let's see if you want to use this data, feel free to, and we have, while crediting the source to a company called, and I'm not making this up, affordable earns. Affordable earns. It's an earn company. Affordable earns, are they are dedicated, Andrew, to providing a diverse selection of cremation urns. and memorial products. I'm quoting again,

emphasising dignity in respect for loved ones. And they offer a high range of high quality urns crafted from materials such as wood, brass, ceramic and aluminium are raging in designs from classic to contemporary. So thank you affordable urns, cremation urns, for putting together this data

in the hopes that people would talk about their product. I can see the logic in it though, Dommy, because, you know, if you have a friend, a dear friend or relative, who lives in, say, the extremely deadly area of the city of Perth, then you'd rush out and buy an urn in readiness, wouldn't you? Because you'd assume that that dear auntie of yours is going to be killed at any minute just by living in Perth, and she's going to have to be put in an urn.

But also, preparing this in mind with your auntie in inner Perth, you wouldn't want to spend that much on the urn, would you? Come on. It's an affordable earn. Isn't it an affordable earn? That's the name of the company. That's the thing I'm looking for. I'm looking for definitely want an urn.

It's got to be nice. But also, come on. Let's make sure it's affordable as well. Let's keep an eye on the bottom line here with these. So that's what they've got. I can see here. They're featured urns in between about 120 and about a wooden box. And $3.99 for the white marble number, Andrew.

Well, look, you know the most affordable earns, Dommy, you just buy one of those plastic tubs from Kmart. One of those ANCO tubs. They're in about three bucks. If you're an affordable earn. A cheap of Pringles would be lovely, I think. Yeah, absolutely. They have scattering tubes, actually, for $59.

They're all $59. Scattering tube? Scattering tube. Really? Yeah, you put it in it. I haven't scattered. I haven't scattered. Have you scattered?

I haven't done it. I haven't. But there's some ashes I need to scatter, actually. We've got our little dog in an earl. Oh, dear. I don't know that it's an affordable earn. Oh, I'm sorry. I think it was an unaffordable earn.

Well, there's nothing worse than an unaffordable earn. Well, I mean, I mean, talk about the urn crisis. That's right. What we need is more affordable urns. Well, can I give you an even more affordable affordable earn from affordableearns.com. That are you? Bio-degradable urns, Andrew, a bamboo burial cremation urn, which is basically a kind of a bamboo wallet, or a natural remedy biodegradable urn, which is a very fancy cardboard tube.

So they're about 35, 40 bucks. That's a great idea and environmentally sound as well. That's fantastic idea. And cheap. But in a good way. In a cheap in a way where you're thinking, I'm not saving money, I'm saving the planet. You know, that's great. That's great. Look, I'd like to be, I wouldn't mind being buried in a biodegradable urn or a came-out tub or even maybe alongside your doggy. The doggie. Yeah, well, look, I'll bear that in mind if it comes to it, Andrew. But, no, I think it's good to be respectful and dignified, yet also thrifty. So if you're in Perth, you know what to do. They haven't given us any money for this. What they've given us is content.

Thank you, affordable earns. How could we possibly, someone's thinking, and they would have paid an agency for this. can we possibly promote our product? Well, let's get people talking about where are the biggest hellscapes where you're likely to get stabbed. Oh, better get it earned just in case. I feel like we need to create a jingle for them, actually, Tommy, to help them. Because, you know, that's a fantastic marketing idea to come up with, you know, the riskiest places where you're most likely to require and earn at short notice. Yeah, because you need to get it ready. Things are available online. I mean, you wouldn't want to have to go to your crematorium and buy.

their markup earns, they'd be a ripoff urn.com.com. No, no, no, no, no, no. For affordable earns, for affordable earns, just come to affordable earns. If you live in a risky area, then you need affordable ends. If you live in Perth and there's a dearth of urns near you. You know what to do. That's great.

There you go. Thank you, affordable. That's the only publicist email I've gotten the whole week. I think affordable earns will be very pleased about our efforts to promote their company, Dommy. We've certainly raised awareness of their company. Yes. Well, there you go.

Thank you for the content of Audible earns. Now I know in the unlikely event that I'm ever organised enough to pre-buy and earn, that's certainly an option. Thank you, Andrew. We'll catch you next time. Yes, I'm off to buy an earn urgently. We'll see you then. An urgent earn.

And please record that jingle. I think that's, you want to buy that jingle, by the way, Affordable Earns, just go to email podcast at chaser.com. at AU and I'm sure we can tell it to you for, I don't know, the cost of three or four earns or so. We can do a contra deal, Andrew. Our gear is from Road. We're part of the iconic class network and our urns are thrifty. Sorry, affordable.