The Chaser Report - 'WHITE POWDER' Found At White House

Episode Date: July 5, 2023

Breaking news: An NRL player has infiltrated the American White House. Meanwhile Dom gives a breakdown on the latest polls for president candidate Ron DeSantis. Plus Charles takes bets on who will win the Musk vs. Zucc cagefight. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. And Don, we're going to look at US politics because there's some pretty big news coming out of the US this morning. You just want to do this because they found suspicious of white powder at the White House. Yes, yes. And it turned out to be, I will tell you in a moment, and we'll also update you on the bizarre campaign of Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. So the white powder, Charles, this brings back memories of the anthrax days.

Do you remember that? Yes. They found some white powder inside the White House late on Sunday night. It was temporary closed. Part of the presidential complex was shut down. And the Washington Fire Department later identified it as, oh, as cocaine, Charles, as cocaine. Putting the white in the White House. Is there why Joe Biden is so sprightly?

He's got a lot of energy for a man his age, doesn't he? For an 83-year-old is he? People said it was because he went on the Peloton bike, but I can imagine going on the rack would be a bit of a more likely explanation. So is there any sort of idea about the source? I mean, ultimately, it's probably stuff that the CIA organized from the Guatemala and Contras or Nicaragua. Something like that. Some sort of Mexican cartel, they've got to tip off against each other. And they've traded it for Iranian arms or something.

Yeah. Well, it was in the West Wing. It's quite possible that Aaron Salkin was in there. considering bringing back the TV series, I'm not sure. But yeah, so it's in the, it could well have been in the West, in the Oval Office itself, who knows. See, this would never have happened under Trump. It would never have happened under Trump.

Like, this sort of liberal, lascivious lifestyle where you just have coke and orgies the whole time. It definitely wouldn't. I mean, what he would have done is absolutely filled all available rooms with burgers, as he did on several occasions and Diet Cokes. But no, he wouldn't have had that. That wouldn't happen on his watch. Absolutely not.

Because he's a god-fearing Christian, whereas they've elected a bunch of drug-snorting atheists. Yes, hippie monsters. I mean, do we want the decisions of the biggest global superpower that's got nuclear arms, do we want them all coked up when they're making decisions? Well, one Republican who says yes is Donald Trump Jr. Actually, it's probably the deal.

It's entirely possible it was his stash, actually. There was just years for several years. Left behind. Right. Who knows? Anyway, this is what's been found. No more explanations at this time, but of those on the administration who might be using, I think Joe Biden's the one to look at.

Do you think that happens in Australian Parliament House? You think there's a sort of... Isn't that what the prayer room's for? Oh, yes, of course. Do I think that at some point, Australian Parliament House has contained cocaine? Yes, I do, Charles. I think it's entirely... I would be astonished if that had not been the case.

Is that why they paint all those official buildings white? to sort of make the Coke blend in and sort of makes it less obvious. Yep, absolutely. Beautiful, you know, there's very expensive kind of wood joinery. It's perfect to rack off in Parliament House from what I've heard. So, yeah, look, it's just the way the world goes. But at the same time as...

Is there any indication of who, like it's the West Wing? The President's, you know, close personal staff, yeah. Yeah, so, but any indication about who on that, say, like, hang the person out to drive, but not, it's probably the person who's been supplying the whole West Wing. week. Okay. So there you go.

So that's what's happening in Washington. And just imagine a world where Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is the next president of the United States. He has. He's running against, well, firstly Donald Trump, Mr. Trine, who's called him Ron DeSanctimonious, which is too long a word, I feel, for the Trump base to really embrace. Well, I think actually, I think the new one is, like, Tiny Ron, or something. He always does that.

Apparently he's really short, so. He always calls his. his opponent's little, tiny, whatever it is to try and sort of unmanned them. So we've got new polls about Rhonda Sanders. This is the guy in Florida who passes all those laws against saying gay. Yes, he can't say gay. He's taken on Disney. Banned hundreds of books.

He calls Florida the place where work goes to die. So he's essentially appealing to a fairly small percentage of Fox News viewers at this point. So the polls are not looking good for good old Ron DeSantis. just 35% of Americans hold a favourable view of DeSantis compared to 45% who say they view him unfavorably. Wow. Which means that's a massive slump. So it's sort of, he's about 10 points.

It's a 10 point shift in unfavorability. And this is amongst Republicans or amongst Americans in general? This is Americans. Wow, okay. So, I mean, he's already got a fairly tough job because he's got to be a lot like Donald Trump and yet distinguish himself from Donald Trump to try and beat Trump in the primary.

He hasn't figured out how to do that at all yet. He seems to be trying to go to the right of Trump, which would then make him unelectable in the general election, which seems to be exactly what these polls are saying. And the thing that he's trying to skewer Trump on is tolerance, basically. So what has happened is Trump has come out and been way to left liberal when it comes to gays over the years. I must say, of all the things I've heard Donald Trump ranting about over the years,

there hasn't been that much attacking LGBTIQI plus people, which is obviously an anomaly. He may rectify at some point. But it's true. It's not one of his, I mean, Mexicans, for instance, absolutely tease off on it every occasion. But no, he hasn't proposed some sort of a wall and incarcerating all gay people behind it

and making them pay for the wall or anything like that at this stage. Whereas Ron DeSantis would probably be quite comfortable with that. So what Ron DeSandis did is on Friday, which is like last week, which is the last day of Pride Month, he criticised Trump's for comments he made in support of the gay community in the wake of the 2016 mass shooting

at the Pulse Nightclub in Orlando, Florida, which killed 49 people. And he thought that being supportive of those victims of a massacre was just a little bit too left liberal for him. And then the ad that Ronda Sanders is running then highlights the numerous, anti-transgender bills that DeSantis has signed into law in recent months and features headlines saying that his bills are draconian and dangerous.

As if that's some sort of thing. And then it features a clip of the infamous fictional character Patrick Baitman, the serial killing main character in American Psycho. Yes. He's got after the American Psycho vote? Yes. Why can't we have politics like that in Australia? This is an unprecedented level of honesty, though,

for a politician to come out and say, I'm basically. I'm Patrick Baker. The pro-serie. It's a constituency that's been underrepresented. I feel so far. Yeah, and look, I think with America's love of true crime podcasts, I kind of feel like probably it's a true strategy. I mean, if this is his plan to get past Donald Trump,

Yes. That might actually work because, I mean, American psychos said in the world of, you know, New York rich people with fancy ties and so on. That's Trump's world. Yes. And Trump lives in Florida where DeSantis is governor. No. No, you can't see any cops in Florida prosecuting DeSantis.

No, he can get away with it. So if Donald Trump winds up, I don't know, how do you kill people with a nail hammer or something? Oh, right. Yeah, bones so. Bone so. It's either MBS or it's right. DeSantis. I just thought, like, what's the,

but the most focus group test these ads. How does that work? You go into a room, you choose six people who, you know, you want to appeal to. You show them an ad comparing your candidate to a serial killer and they go, oh yeah, that makes me more like him more.

Maybe the problem was that they conducted the poll in Florida. So the average person's like, oh, Patrick Bateman, yeah, look, big fan, love his work. Do you think Don Junio? will switch sides. John Jr. is very much of that world. Yes. Rage-field.

I mean, if you've ever watched his weird little videos that he does and whatever that kind of streaming network is. Yeah, he's absolutely that. He's absolutely nuts, basically. And in actual fact, I mean, I haven't read American soccer for years, but I'm pretty sure they were sort of coke-fueled.

Absolutely. Binges. Yeah. Like the killing sprees. With the satire being, he would, you know, everything was a brand name. And I mean, that's what Trump. does. The Trump's really love branding things. Yeah, so maybe this election, you know how everyone's

saying, well, America's not really a democracy anymore, it's not really going to be forwarded the ballot box, it's all sort of authoritarian. Maybe this election will be decided not through the ballot box, but through Ron DeSantis murdering Donald Trump with a bonesaw. I mean, this is a fantastic way to winnow down the Republican field. There's a lot of people in the debates. But there's been a lot of debate about how many votes you need, you know, how much support you need to actually get on the debate state. Someone like Chris Christie, the former New Jersey governor, who ran last time and he's in there basically as a Trump spoiler,

can he get in the debate? It doesn't matter if he's been murdered by Ron Dissad to sit in the lead-up, doesn't it? And how would it work? Would he do it sort of live on TV? Or no, he'd do it on Twitter spaces, so no one would see it. He'd have the audio. Yeah, the streaming would crash. Yeah.

I'm here with, you know, Christi, trusted naked. Oh, no, the streaming's broken. Elon. Elon's in the room, too, presumably. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. And look, we should sidebar this, that Elon Musk is going to have a cage fight, apparently, with Mark Zuckerberg. Neither of them is bucking. But hang on, hang on.

He's ducking down and saying this is rubbish, obviously not going to do this. I thought that they weren't because Elon Musk's. mom weighed in and said that Elon wasn't allowed to do it because it would ruin his beautiful face. I wish Elon's mom had been a fan of Twitter being the way it was. That would have been so good. Yeah, look, I'm not sure. The last I heard was that it was going ahead.

The Italian government has offered the Roman Coliseum. Seriously. Yes. Do whatever they want. They've offered the Coliseum for the Cage Fight. And it's a no-rules cage fight, so it's literally play dirty. Who do you reckon wins? See, I would have thought.

Elon because he's so much bigger, but Zuckerberg's probably much fitter. He's built. Mark Zuckerberg is apparently incredibly fit. Well, didn't he do an MMA or something? But also, the difficulty is, I don't think either of them is human. I think if ever

you believe the kind of reptilian hypothesis, David Ike and all that, I mean, these guys are definitely reptilians, right? So once the blows start flying, they might revert to reptile form. See, I always assumed that Mark Zuckerberg's blow was like Mercury or something like that.

I think that's right. He's liquid metal. He's like the T-1000. Yeah. And so the fire will probably go on and on and on because he'll keep regenerating as he gets torn apart. Yes, that's true.

There'll be extra limbs and, you know, like his skin will just seal up. Yeah, the problem with Elon is he'll be distracted. He'll buy several companies in the course of the bout and have stopped to father children. Will he be allowed to father children during the kind of breaks between rounds. Well, it doesn't matter.

The rules don't apply to him. Rules don't apply to him. Yeah. You're allowed to... There's no rules. There's no rules in this fight. It's just like Twitter. He can father as many children

who he likes during the cage of match. Well, you know what's going to happen. At some point during the bout, Elon will basically snap his fingers in a giant crowd of Nazis. It was pouring to the Coliseum and take over and rip Zuckerberg limb from him. Do you think Zuckerberg will bring along a bone sore?

Probably. Ron DeSanders style. Like, that's what I would do. Well, Rhonda Sanders had must go mates. It's entirely possible. Ronda Sanders will be there. All that I know is I generally, I generally bore violence. Charles, I'm not in favour of boxing.

I think all these things are barbaric. But in this case, I might make an exception, particularly if you can guarantee me that both will lose. I think you've got the kind of cage fight when no one leaves the cage, basically. Yes. Can you imagine the entertainment of that? It would solve, it would make the world a much better player.

Look, I'm not one for joking about. death. I would never do that, Don. You've never done it, except for the entire past history of your comedy career. Yeah, that's right. But, you know, like, if you're going to take out two people in the world, you'd have to say, I mean, and they don't have to die. Maybe they can just be permanently incapacitated. I think just unable to operate their companies. Yes, that's all you're wanting. I mean, they own the other person I'd like to see entering. Perhaps as the kind of, whoever wins, this goes on to the ultimate title.

Vladimir Putin, who is apparently very good at judo. Yes, he's very good at judo. The risk would be that he'd win through his judo skills. But, I mean, in terms of she, I know Musk and Zuckerberg are terrible, but I mean, Putin is another level of evil. Oh, yeah, no, yeah. But hang on, so what do, what's the prize? Like, who, is it just pride?

Like, what, like, if they, if Musk and Zuckerberg go face to face, is there any prize? Do they win each other's companies? We talked yesterday about threads which Instagrams bring to take on Twitter. Maybe Zuckerberg will have to drop threads. And maybe if Zuck wins, he gets control of Twitter. Which, to be honest, would be an improvement at this stage. Even though that would mean mental would own every social network.

They at least know how to, I don't know, run social networks, sort of. Jesus. Yeah, God. America's not in the best state, is it, right now? Is this what it was like to be a peasant in 14th? France. Was it just like you'd see these sort of figures who had lots more money than you doing silly wars and battling and jewels and stuff like that?

And it had no real impact on your life except that they would use all the money that you were generating to do all their fun things. Well, I guess the biggest difference in those days was because there was no sort of social media and news ecosystem. They wouldn't have found out about it. It would have been bliss for ignorance. I mean, sure, okay, it would have been a horrible life, but at least they wouldn't have constantly every second.

Yes. Their devices vibrating with more news about Musk and Zuckerberg and DeSantis. I mean, at least they would have had blissful ignorance of the moment-by-moment going on, going on of the terrible people who ran the world. Mind you, I think the carrier pigeons that they used back then would have been a lot more reliable than Twitter is now. So they probably would have had more updates. In terms of bird-related ways of getting updated,

the carrier pigeons are far more reliable, I'm sure that's true. Yes. So can we pull this into a neat package where the listener walks away going, I've really learnt something and all that came together really nicely at the end on. Given the amount of things I got distracted by during the course of podcast, I think the main point is that if you have any plan to live in America, any financial exposure to America, I don't know if you have any... Just don't. Just do nothing. It's going down very, very, very, Like Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg in a cage fight. The revolution will not be televised.

It certainly won't be on Twitter spaces. It certainly won't be on Twitter. It might be on threads, possibly. Yeah. Charles, should we have a cage fight? No. No, it's not a good idea. But I will take some of that cocaine that the West Wing has.

Happily do that. There you go. Yeah, something good comes out of the story. Our gear is from Roe. We are part of the Iconaclass Network. Catch you tomorrow.