The Chaser Report - Who Will Win Succession???

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

We haven't watched the series finale episode yet, please no spoilers. Plus Charles and Dom try to solve the mystery of the fire in Surry Hills. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Yes, yes, so much news to get through, Charles. We're going to start with someone who literally drained a swamp or a lake or something like that, looking for her phone. And then I want to update everyone on the fire in Sydney. Now, it's a pretty Sydney-specific story, but look, it has personal residence to us. It's round the corner from our old office.

Yes. Next door to our dear friends at ACAST who we make the podcast with. So it feels like a little fire in the corner of our hearts, Charles. Yes, and when I saw the spectacular footage of it, you know, bursting into flames when it first started, I did think to myself, was that the Chaser Officer? And it wasn't. No, it wasn't. But, yeah, it's very, you know, yeah.

Do you have any 13-year-old boys at the moment, or either of your boys? Yeah, well, one's 12 and one's 14. So you're on either side of the crucial age. Yeah. I'm going to ask, I want to ask the extent to which 13-year-old boy should be tried as adults. Not that I want to prejudice any court proceedings. Just hypothetically speaking. Yes.

We'll get into that in a second. Okay, so the first story, Dom, is about this Indian government official. Yeah, we've got fire and water for you today, don't we? Yes. And, yeah, it's very pantheistic. Very pantheistic. And whatever, he dropped his phone into a, reservoir. We've all done it.

I dropped my phone once into Sydney Harbour. It just fell out of... You know, there's little phones that could go in your shirt pocket. I had it in there. I went fishing or something on the harbour. Just slipped into the harbour. Thousands of dollars later. And this was a reservoir that was used... Was it a water reservoir? Yeah, it was a water reservoir so that people could

drink. Right. Like it was for drinking water. And instead of, say, going out and buying another phone, he did the only sensible thing. But you wouldn't want to do that. Your phones are expensive. Yes, exactly. He used his power as a government official to get them to completely drain the reservoir so he could

find his phone. Now, how big are we talking? Because when you say reservoir, I mean, I'm imagining, like, there's something the size of a swimming pool, for instance, would be very hard to drain, right? That's a lot of water. I wouldn't, I think at the point where it's a swimming pool, a spa bath, yes, I'd drain a spa bath, swimming pool, no. So how big was this reservoir, child?

Yeah, exactly. It was only two million litres of water. I'm just envisaging that as 2 million milk carton-sized amounts of water. The thing about India, Charles, I don't know if you know, India as well as I do. I got married there, you were there. I can't pretend to know it very well, but I have been there on multiple occasions. Water, not something they always have a lot of in all parts of the country. Quite a precious resource, some would say.

No, yeah, and you always want a glass of water when you're there. You do, you definitely always want a glass of water to drink from a reservoir idea. Yeah. So, look, I don't have much more to say about that. I'm just seeing good on him. The big question. I mean, if you got power, you may as well abuse it. Jeez, what's it for? You work so hard to get power. And this is the whole thing about Succession. I don't watch the finale yet. I'm going to, don't spoil anything. But you get power to abuse it. What's the point of having it if you use it ethically? You struggle so hard to accumulate power. Rig an election. Like, that's the whole point. Now, I know you mentioned Succession, and I know we were talking about the phone.

But I just have to say, I haven't seen it either yet, but I think we should put on record what our predictions are. I imagine everyone else has seen it by now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. We'll make our predictions, yeah, that's a good idea. But just before we do, on the water, the big question I have is what was on the phone? Because you can't tell me that that was just someone who was annoyed.

Because he wasn't going to think that the phone was, there was something on the phone that he didn't want to get out. Oh, really? Don't you reckon from someone? No, but no one was ever going to find the phone. I think, I think what was on the phone was stuff that he wanted. I reckon his girlfriend had sent him a bit of a pick or something. And he hadn't backed it up. Corrupt information.

Look, I cloud. Oh, you reckon it's corruption. I don't want to stereotype the Indian government officials. Look, if you're corrupt enough to drain a reservoir, you know, you're not going to be worried about, you know, other people finding you. You know what would be ironic? You know what would be ironic if it was on the phone?

Is a contract whereby he'd hired, he'd purchased a company that drained for as a wise. Yeah, it's right. Just decided to give itself away. Now, onto succession, this is the greatest TV show of all time. Absolutely love it. I have a really strong theory. Okay, so just before we do, spoiler alert,

like if you haven't watched it up to episode 9 of the final series, don't listen anymore because we'll obviously be saying what's happened up to the end of the time. I don't think there's a high risk that people are still listening to them. You'd be crazy. I thought you're going to say high risk because it's such a good show. It's bingeable. No, look, surely we hooked them with their reservoir story. Just skip a head like five minutes. Yeah, yeah, five minutes. Which is when we'll actually get to the, all the spoilers. Yes, that's right. So what's your big, I knew you'd have a big theory. I got a big theory. Because everyone said, because the CFO character,

you know that sort of blonde CFO character. He was interviewed on the red carpet. You're talking about Carl. Yeah, on the weekend. And he said, you will not, no one will get it. No one will be able to guess exactly what happened. No way. That's, that's so delicious. Which is so delicious, right. Which means, I think, thinking about all the things that you just wouldn't guess, my guess is that Greg wins. Well, I've got to tell you, you know who you're on board with, I hate to say this. It's not the first person to think this. Who? You know, because the Herald published an article on the weekend, asking lots of prominent Australians who they thought would win succession.

Yeah. The one person who shared your view, Peter Dutton. Oh. Because he likes Greg. He actually thinks Greg's going to go up the middle. He's a go-getter. Yeah, he's, Greg is the kind of guy who would have a go to get a go. Yes.

Or is it get a go to have a go, whatever it is. He's sort of the Scott Morrison isn't he? He's fails upwards. He's failed up with. I must say my favourite word, and I heard it before succession, but it's never been used so brilliantly, fail son. You know that word? It's a specific word for when someone powerful or whatever has a useless son. It's Warwick Fairfax or any of those sorts of people. Several members of the Murdoch family, I mean, James Packer, let's be honest at this point. A fail son,

it's a particular word for a disappointing child. A male child. All the Murdox are fails them. Pretty much. Like even the daughter is. I mean, Loughlands managed to, is clearly the successor are at this point in time. That's going to be a fascinating drama. We'll get our predictions for that one as well. What's your... My prediction for succession, the finale, there's a couple of scenarios,

but the one I'm betting on, if I was working out what would be the most interesting narratively would be Shiv. So, Shiv's angling to be the American CEO. Yeah, about to take it. She's in with Mattson. She's about to take it. She's about to take the succession

and she goes, I don't want to fuck up my child the same way I was fucked up and she walks away. and then someone of the other dipshits gets it. Possibly Cousin Greg. I reckon she has it and she actually learns and walks away and just is like this is bullshit. I don't like the learning art.

No, that's the thing. You're not supposed to like any of characters. You're not supposed to like any of the characters. But that being the case, the other thing that comes to mind they might do is Kendall defeats Shiv, become a CEO, but discovers it's absolutely meaningless. He's put his entire life towards achieving this aim

of succeeding his dad. His ex-wife hates him. His children hate him. His siblings hate him. His assistants led him. His assistants left him, Jess. Everyone hates him, and he's the winner of nothing. He's a winner of like a pile of ashes.

And a very large corporation. And a very large community organization. Yeah, that fits the narrative. My thought is that Jerry could also take it. Well, Jerry would be the American CEO. You'd actually choose if you were Mattson, right? The mediocre courtiers who just hang around and, and they actually end up with it.

Well, if you, the most mediocre Cordia, what's his name? It's not surprising we can't remember all their names. Is it Hugo, the guy who's, the media manipulator? He's the dodgiest of them all. He ends up with it. He's hilariously dodgy. The whole thing, it's revealed in the final episode that he has just orchestrated the entire thing. Is his name, Hugo?

Yeah, Hugo, yeah. The guy who Kendall, well, what about the bodyguard? Oh, you know what we don't have? We don't have Logan's will. What if Logan's left it all to his bodyguard? You know how he says he's his best friend? Yes. When that amazing scene in the restaurant where he's basically, Logan's going,

what does it all mean? It means nothing. By the way, you're my best friend employed bodyguard who helped me cover up my son's murder of a waiter, which will probably come out. You know my prediction? Because it has been one of the great TV shows ever. So good. Is, and they want a finale that really everyone remembers.

They don't want a sign film. Yes, exactly. So I reckon what they do is they bring back Logan Roy And he wakes up from his coma And it's all been a dream And it's actually Fuck off, dream And it's actually back at season one, episode one

You know, when he falls down Oh, and he was in a coma at one point Yeah, yeah So I reckon that's it And it was all a dream Oh, what if it's so bad That's so good Oh, I don't know

You know the real Seinfeld would be? Just to show how terrible the Seinfeld Eddie was, if every person that the Roy's have annoyed during the course of the series comes back and says, and there's consequences for all them. Oh, and they all get put in jail. Yeah, they'll get put in jail for big. There's a bad person statute in the local law.

It's such a terrible, poor sign-fair. What if Marcia inherits it all? What, the most recent, from the Brady bunch? No, no, the most recent ex-wife. Well, she has been hanging around. Yeah, she's been back. What if Logan left it all to her and hadn't revised his will? I'm just trying to think of unlikely scenarios.

What if Kendall's child of colour, the young girl who's terrified of President Mencken? What if she gets it? She gets it. Or Mencken implement some law that means that he takes over. Oh, yes. Mencken just nationalises the media. The Waste of Hiroika.

It's not impossible. I mean, it's what Hitler would have done. Yeah. Doesn't he have a dog? Oh, no, that's that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, the best character in the whole of succession. He's not used very much. I was watching a video over the other day.

Ravenhead. Who's Ravenhead? Ravenhead is the right-wing, like, shock jock guy on ATN. Yes. And there's an amazing scene where Tom interviews him to work out whether or not he's actually a Nazi. And it's like, he's read Mankind many times. And I think his dog's called Hitler with a different spelling.

That's right. And I think, but I think Mencken calls Hitler H as like a sort of pet name. So it's not subtle. But it's very good. Have we said every unlikely scenario? We won't have picked it, will we? We won't have picked it. Yeah, because no one's sort of gone Roman.

No one's gone Roman, who's fucked it up so utterly at the end of... Maybe he's the most likely in that he's the person at the lowest ebb at the end of episode 9. He's the one who's being kicked around by the crowds. How would he do it, though? What if they all just agree to get along? And just to become a happy family? It's the one thing their father wouldn't have wanted.

Yeah, yeah. method to get on. The Chaser Report. Less news. Less often. So, Charles, have you learned from succession? Are you, are you pitting your children against each other? Oh, definitely.

To get the first crown. Well, I mean, I just treat them with equal contempt. But, yeah. No, no, no, but Charles, it's not just that. The contempt, yes, but just the occasional glimmering of hope and love. Like, just once on their birthday or a year or something like that. You pay attention to them. Yeah, I should try that.

Yeah. Yeah. Just to build up their hopes. Otherwise, they'll reject you. Yes, otherwise they're completely reject. Yeah, they need to think there's a small chance of... A slither. Of growing up to inherit your empire.

Yeah. What a precious empire. Mind you, they're so interested in just playing with matches at the moment. Yeah, which gets us on to the other topic. I don't want to bother. So if you're not from Sydney, apologies, but this is something that's very near us. There was a beautiful warehouse on Randall Street in, sorry, I walked past it hundreds of times.

We used to have an office around the corner on Elizabeth Street back in the day. And ACAST, the podcast company we work with, is right next door. In fact, they were evacuated. Fortunately, that I already evacuated themselves to the pub, apparently, before the fire began. But this warehouse went up in a massive fireball very rapidly. And it turns out that this warehouse, like the floor was full of, I don't know, oil or something. And it just went up very rapidly. And the issue is, there were reports that a bunch of 13-year-old.

our boys were seen running from it. Three of them have now come forward and are inverted comments helping the police with their inquiries. Charles, is that inquiry, how long does it, how well does this taser work? Well, it's funny because after I heard that,

I did Google what is the age of criminal responsibility in New South Wales, just to see whether my kids are in the clear. And the answer is 10. Yeah, 10 to 14. But between the ages of 10 to 14, there is a presumption that you're, you're not criminally responsible and you're not capable of a crime.

And the prosecution would have to argue. It's a rebuttable presumption, as I say. Yeah, that you would, that you are actually responsible now. Do you think that's a high bar to clear when someone's burnt down a $38 million warehouse? Like, did you know it was bad to burn down a warehouse? Not that they were intending to clean down. No, but yeah, I think this is the thing. Like, I don't know, I look at my kids.

And I sort of look at when I was that age and you go, Of course you don't think through. How many heritage buildings did you burn down in your teens? Well, that was back. There was a lot more heritage buildings. It doesn't really... Before you started, there was. Well, I was, we used to have the...

Remember all those heritage buildings on George Street? Yes. The cinemas. And it used to be very convenient for developers to just burn down heritage buildings. Isn't that what everyone thought? Yeah. It was a fire. So apparently Charles, rumour has...

I mean, but to me, the greatest tragedy of this whole tragedy is that we lose a hat factory. I mean, how many, how many more hat factories are we going to lose? I think we lost in the 1950s. Before we, you know, really sort of, I mean, these things build up. Hats get out of stuff. The thing is, yeah, well, the rumour has it that mattresses were being lit, potentially by, I don't want to blame anyone on a podcast because this could be evidence, state's evidence.

But the rumour I heard was that kids or others or whoever's responsible that have been sitting mattresses on fire, which were used by rough sleepers. So I might have been a little bit soaked in various accelerants, who knows. And so the whole thing just went up in no time. And they barely got out. They were being pricks to rough sleepers.

Maybe. Or they were allegedly. Allegedly. Or not even, we don't even know. Yeah, but 13-year-old's setting shit on fire. It's not exactly a new thing. In fact, I was saying, like my kids absolutely, fascinated by fire at the moment.

Yeah. But I think part of the whole trick of parenting is to not necessarily go, no, you're not allowed to play with fire. You just sort of hang around while they're doing it. Well, let's find a safe way to indulge your paramount. Because it's true. Every teenage boy wants to burn shit.

Well, my son came home the other day and, you know, leads a, I don't know, match or something. I think it was one of those, you know, candle, you know, gas lighter things. And he went, hey, dad, look at this. and he put his finger through the fire, like every other human being on earth has done,

as if it was the most fascinating thing to do. And you're going, yeah, everyone's got to learn that actually if you put your finger through fire, it doesn't hurt. But you know the stereotype of what boys do for fun. Unless it then becomes a hurt to fire. The stereotype of what teenage boys do is like use magnifying glasses

to focus the sun's rays and fry ants, right? That's a cliche. Do you find your girls do that? At the age of five, no, they're not really into the piramania yet. Is it a boy thing? Is it gendered, Charles? Probably somewhat. But you know the problem with this, Charles?

Not enough screen time for those kids. If it was them. Yes. If they were just watching, if they were just playing Minecraft and looking at screens all afternoon for the moment school finished, I blame the school for not giving them after school screens. I'll tell you what, it would have made an awesome TikTok. You know they've released TikToks or TikToks have been,

circulating in the media of people in the building. Oh, really? Yeah, so I thought you were referring to that. Oh. So, yes, you're absolutely right. You're inside into the mind of the teenage boy, allegedly, is extremely, extremely wise. Let's just hope everyone's okay, right?

Yeah, well, and also, I mean, frankly, they should raise the age. They've done it in Victoria where now, it's now 12, but they were pushing for 14, but they got it up to 12 before you're criminally responsible. I think lower the age. I've seen some, the cheeky little seven-year-olds. Lock them up.

You want to, with plausible, be able to threaten your five-year-old daughter with jail time, are you? I'm not going to say no, Charles. I'm not going to say no. Our Gehry is from Road. We're part of the iconoclast network. And everything you just heard in this podcast should not be used to prosecute the people who definitely burnt down the hat for tat factory, whoever they may be.

Whoever they are. Yeah, we don't know. No names here. See, yeah.