The Chaser Report - Whoever Smelt It Delta It | Dylan Behan

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

Dylan Behan drops by to share his findings from listening to Christopher Pyne’s podcast, which is somehow more self indulgent than this one. Plus John takes a look at the poo that stopped a nation, and Zander and Lachlan reveal how they have been victimising an innocent member of the Chaser for years. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report brought to you by hidden signals that are cries for help. Like, for example, I don't know, maybe let's say if an intern went away to join the glamorous world of TV, only to be dragged back and forced to talk to a bunch of blokes on a podcast no one cares about. That's just an example, though. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Thursday, the 26th of August. I'm clearly Dominic Knight, and with me is Charles Firth.

How are you going, Charles? Hello, Dom. How are you? I mean, Gabby, you're Gabby, you tricked me. What do you mean? No, I'm a dad. I have children. I've worked at the Chaser for 25 years. Don, you're not even 25. You are doing. I just turned 25. Yeah, right. Okay. Oh, that's depressing. Isn't that fucking upsetting? Yeah. Dom is away for the week, but we are here holding the foot. And Gabby, I've got some terrible news. Oh? We've been banned. Again. Well, temporarily. We got banned for 24 hours from Facebook. What did you do, Charles?

It wasn't me. It was Zander's article. It wasn't me this time. All right, I will say that is a first. What happened? No, it was, he did, you know how Matt Canavan came out against the Wiggles for having all those diversity picks in their new line? Yeah, because he stands up for what is right.

And clearly the main issue at hand right now is what the Wiggles look like. So, yeah, go on. So Zander, yeah, I know. It's the biggest story in the world at the moment. Ever. And so Zander wrote what I thought was a very funny article about how they had decided. to take Matt Canavan's opinions into account and they appointed a white wiggle

and then Cam posted on our Facebook page with a picture of a white wiggle in a sort of Ku Klux Klan out there. Oh no. I can see now where the band is coming from. And then we got suspended from posting for 24 hours. Plus, they threatened us with having our page completely removed.

And like our page reaches like seven million people a month. That's, that's, they were going to deprive. I mean, imagine a world where you couldn't see the chaser on Facebook. Is that a world you would even want to live in, Gabby? I mean, I think it's a world that many people live in, Charles. I don't know whether, I mean, I'm not saying that I want it to happen. Obviously, I, because I am in the interest of staying in employment, I would like the page to remain open and available. But in terms of everybody else's life being affected by this, Charles, I got to hand it to you.

I don't think people really are worried. I think it's the final straw. I think, you know, I mean, COVID was pretty bad. Climate change is pretty awful. Bushfires are horrible. But the chase are being banned. I mean, that's... That's a bigger issue than the Wiggles diversifying, that's for sure.

So, you know what, the only angle we can take is maybe Matt Catervan will have an angry rant about us. That would be great for our publicity. No, no, no. He's come out in support of our, you know, right to freedom of speech. Oh, no, that's not what you want. I know, which makes me think that we're actually on the wrong side. that Facebook should ban us. Wait a second.

Hold on. He came out in support of us. Yes. He understood the intention of the article, correct? I, um, this is Matt Canavan we're talking about. They said I'm racist and I'm fine with that. Like, I agree. What, I don't get it.

Yeah, I know. And look, and I think somebody reached out to us and gave us his mobile number and said, oh, you know, like, he's really supportive of you on this issue. And I'm just going, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, anything to do with you. Oh, no. Creepy weirdo. Maybe a ban would be good for us.

We could really take some time away and recuperate about who our audiences. I had met Kennevan's personal mobile phone number. Oh, what could go wrong? Coming up in the show. Dom goes away for one week. We get banned and sued. That would be great. Coming up on the show, we've got Dylan Bean from Newsfighters podcast.

He's been, for some reason, trawling through Christopher Pine's podcast, which is called Pine Time. and he's got some choice clips. Presumably, you know, he's listening to Pine Time so that you don't have to. And we've also got Lockie and Zander turning up to have a little bit of an exposee on Charles's... Oh, you don't know? No? Then I'm not going to tell you. It's just someone that we don't know is Wikipedia that we might have been meddling.

No, no. What? No, no, Charles. It's not them. It's not them. Your Wikipedia page, totally fine. I don't trust you. Let's go to Rebecca Day and Muno in the Chaser newsroom.

The Paralympics have introduced a new NDIS sport where contestants must jump through endless hoops to qualify. One contestant called at the race that never ends, with rules constantly changing throughout the race. As housing prices continue to skyrocket, the federal government has partnered with Bunnings to offer affordable housing for first home buyers. The cardboard box fort scheme will reduce development

and red tape by giving families tape to build their dream homes. Scott Morrison has been criticised for taking a day off work to get a hair transplant. The Prime Minister was shocked at the criticism, saying he was taking meaningful steps to prevent the upcoming recession. I'm Rebecca Dana Muno, and this is the Chaser News. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important to us. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes.

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Now, as Australian Entertainment Royalty, All the Chaser have Wikipedia pages. However, for the last few years, Lachlan and I have been paying special attention to one specific member of the Chaser's Wikipedia page. Know that that's the last few years, Charles. We've only worked for you for one. This is very odd.

What? How? Why? So when I was 18, I was sitting in my legal studies class, which was a huge bludge because no one with a law degree does anything. And I was watching Old Chaser bit. particularly the first in the USA segment and I thought

no this guy needs to get taken down a peg so what was the first thing that you'd change so I thought you're not the person who changed my age to 55 you're 56 happy birthday wait is that more or less no that's the first thing the first thing I did was I went

and I changed your birth year to 1965 yeah yeah wait so you're a No, because I, for the last couple of years, like, especially like the parents of friends. And by the way, you look fantastic for 56. Like, have been saying to my friends, oh, you know, Charles looks really good for his age. Like, he's really, you know. And it was like, and then, like, I'd always take the compliment.

And then it turned out that everyone thought that I was this 56 year old just mixed with a whole lot of mid-40 people. So for any fans listening at the moment, if you genuinely Google, Charles Firth age the first thing that comes up is 1965 right still to this day all these years later how do you mind you don't you think I'm a bit of a silver fox

like as a you know I mean sorry I think Xander was saying something I couldn't quite hear you I am oh look it's about 56 years you fuck it however it doesn't stop there we just didn't stop at the age bracket

so the next thing that I changed changed, was in an episode of Radio Chaser, you just off the cuff mentioned, oh, Dange's my middle name. And I thought, well, we've got to make this official. So I then went on to Wikipedia, opened up the edit. And now your full name, Charles, is Charles Henry Danger, Bergman's birth, which is really weird because that's not the weirdest name you have, Bergman. What's that?

Your name literally sounds like you're a member of the royal family, Charles. I assume Bergman was one of you guys making it up. No, no, no, Bergman. That one's real. A real bit. What? Yeah, the Bergman's are very, you know, notable. But, no, no.

But that's very dishonest to you, Lachlan. That is very dishonest because I remember when you first, you know, when I first met you, yeah. When I first were sort of looking up Wikipedia for me, you went, oh, is danger really your middle name? And you made it seem like you, Like, you hadn't done it yourself. Is it true that you were part of a hockey team called Mighty Dicks with Chris Taylor back in the day?

It was the Mighty Ducks and it was a cricket team. Well, that's not what Wikipedia says, fucko. Are you fuck we? And that's not where it stops. We thought over time, all right, like these minor modifications, they're getting through way too easy. No one's changing them. So we stepped at up a level and we started to put a few more provocative things in there like Charles loves eating ass. that Charles has a slave army

and that Charles really, really, really wants to launch a coup in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Not to mention that last year you announced that you were starting an only fan's account. Mind you, I think some of those things are accurate. I have always wanted to launch a coup in the Congo and that whole eating ass thing, you know... You're partial.

Partial, dude, yeah. Now we can reference this episode of the podcast and add them back into Wikipedia page. Oh, no, no! So, Charles, is there anything else you'd like to say for us to not put on the Wikipedia page? Maybe you could say on Wednesday, the 25th of August, 2021,

Charles fired his interns on air. Wow. They were Lachlan Hodson and Zander. I don't think that's funny enough. Well, jokes on you, Charles, because Zander and I don't have Wikipedia. Pages. Thank you for your patience.

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I don't know how he did it, but Charles trapped me in the podcast and I can't get out. He kept saying you learnt his lesson after Nina. Send help. We've got Dylan with us from Newsfighters podcast. Apparently, Dylan, you've been watching all of Chris Pine's podcast? So yes, unfortunately, for my mental health, yes. Christopher Pine, for those of you don't know, the former Defence and Education Minister, quit federal parliament in 2019 and being a washed up middle-aged white person,

he decided to set up a podcast. I'm sorry, when I heard that you were doing this on the podcast, podcast. This is true. I thought you were talking about Chris Pine, as in established Hollywood actor, Chris Pine, not realizing that you were talking about Christopher B-Y-N-E politician. I'm on the same page now. I was like, whoa, they gave that guy a podcast. It's spelled differently. I thought Gabby that you're a little bit too enthusiastic about this. I was literally like, I don't understand what's bad about this. Okay, but now I completely get it. Go on, Dylan. I think we're more, Chase a report slightly more of a

a Oz poll Australian political bent than Hollywood bent. But maybe next time if you want me, if the other Chris Pine sets up a podcast, I'm happy to listen to all the episodes of that. That would be great. I now understand what just before we did this segment, Gabby was talking about, oh, well, you know,

I know the Marvel Cinematic Universe is. What is that better? I'm just a fucking idiot, sorry. We'll cut this part out, editor. So Dylan, how is your mental health holding up? Well, look, I, you know, I have to say, compared to listening to Gladys's 11am press conferences, that Christopher Pine podcast is slightly less depressing, but equally as absurd. I don't know.

What is it about? What is he talk about? It's basically, I don't know how we got it. Southern Cross Osterio, basically, we're just like, do you want a podcast? He just interviews his mates. It's a half-hour interview show. So he's had on Scomo and Albo and Malcolm Turnbull and Gladys and people like that. But he just talks about himself endlessly.

So it's a bit, it's even by podcast standards, it is overwhelmingly indulgent. He's the Joe Rogan of podcast. I think that's Joe Rogan. I think Joe Rogan is the Joe Rogan of the former Liberal Ministers, I think. But it's amazing I've got a podcast because he admits on the podcast. I listen to all 20 episodes, by the way. It's quite a grueling listen. But even he admits that he's not very good at tech.

Have a listen. Is that right? It's just Gogglebox. It's like saying the YouTube. Well, I would say the YouTube. because to me the YouTube is a subject but that's because I'm

a bit out of touch with reality who'd somehow discovered on the intertube oh I think it's the internet actually and the face tube no it's the face it's not face tube it's YouTube yes when Malcolm made me the minister

for industry innovation and science I really kind of felt I should explain to him that I wasn't very good at things like innovation I mean the science should have been there that he's not very good at tech. I mean, remember his Twitter account got hacked and accidentally liked a gay porn tweet?

Remember that? He can't even keep his Twitter account secure. Oh, my God. You know what? His voice sounds like, I mean, I know we're saying it's not the Chris Pine in Hollywood, but after listening to Ospole Chris Pine, he sounds like he could be and should be a Bond villain.

Oh, he'd be perfect. Like, listening to him taught, it's like, yeah, you know, you think he's an old grandpa who doesn't know how tech works. Boom, tech lab in the basement with weapons that destroy the world. I'm going to take over the intertubes.

But there was a sign that he's even not as good as tech as probably your toddler, Charles, or your kid when they were a toddler, because he said he doesn't even know how to use an iPad. I had an iPad once. Did you? I never turned it on. They gave it to me. One of the government departments gave it to me and said, this is your iPad, minister, and you're going to be sent all of your cabinet documents on this iPad.

And so you need to put your password in, and this is it, and it's all very secure. And I gave it to one of my advisors and said, this is the iPad with all the cabinet documents on it. And I don't intend to use it at all. So just go to the website that is provided to us and print off the documents and put them in a folder with a two whole punch for me and I'll take them into the cabinet and read them beforehand, etc.

What a fucking weird flex. I have this iPad. It was brand new and it was bought for me by my government. And instead of giving it to somebody who might actually have some use for it, it. I told my intern to go and print things off with it and then give it to me in person with paper. And the real party of meritocracy, the liberals here. Remember, he was the minister for industry science and innovation. Good for him. And he didn't even use an iPad. And education and defence industries. Do you think actually the minister

titles are sarcastic? They make Angus Taylor the Minister for Climate Change or something like that. I mean, Tony Abbott was Minister for Women. That is ironic. I think they just think It's just sarcasm. I think it's just a big game of pull it out of the hat at a liberal party somewhere. They're like, all right, who's going to be the minister for women? Sorry, do you put your hand in? Or just sabotaging, yeah. I'll make him the minister for defence industries.

This will be fun. He can't work an iPad. Even on the podcast, he acknowledged his own skill set. When I was fantasising about what jobs I might have post-politics, not recently, but years ago, and thinking I might actually not be qualified for anything. And he's right I think people have switched off I don't think anyone's listening

right now Dylan To the Pine podcast No to this podcast Because it's playing the podcast It's hugely popular Oh really? Or they've brought bots to buy iTunes reviews Because on Apple Podcasts

It's got hundreds and hundreds Of five-star reviews The Tony Abbott podcast Which launched last week Last I checked only had one Apple podcast review I mean my podcast NewsFiders Has five And I've never even been

Prime Minister of Australia Wait a minute, Tony Abbott has a poker. Yes, what's it called? It's called, he just launched it two weeks ago. Australia's Heartland with Tony Abbott. Oh, no. You know, Dylan, we're going to have to get you to listen to that. The one thing I did hear on the Tony Abbott podcast, they've got banjo music,

like the Beverly Hillbillies for the theme song, which I think is very apt. I have a question about Chris Pines podcast. If he's so inept with technology, how is he coping with just the simple act of speaking into a microphone? Like, how is he dealing with uploading a, an episode. Well, from the looks of it, Southern Cross Stereo does all the back end, he just walks into a walks into a studio. I'll go through some of the funniest most random clips I found. There's a few here. There's one where he

was talking to the director of the Adelaide Festival, Rachel Healey, and he immediately got bored. Have a listen. Perfect example of what festivals can do, which is to go outside the four walls of an art centre and create a site-specific experience. It was cold the night, but I was there, I must say. Yes, I think... But I dressed poorly. I should have worn.

I dressed for the summer. And, of course, as soon as the sun was gone, I was in deep trouble. But I think I pushed some old lady. I'm not pushed a old lady's rug from next to me on half onto me and half onto her. I think she just generously allowed me to. Yes, Christopher Pined amidst to elder abuse there. I won't see that on the front page of the Telegraph, though we probably would like to. This is a true crime podcast.

It basically is. I'm scared. And that was a cold case. Good one. And of course, he has on all his big political friends like Scott Morrison, Malcolm Turnbull, Anthony Albanese, but don't expect insightful geopolitical policy insights. Instead, he just talks about his old clothes. I've got something to reveal to you about track suits. Okay.

I have a track seat. I don't believe you. I have recently acquired a 1981. Calvin Klein Reproduction Tracksel So I had some Seasucker white pants

That were Puffy in the thighs And came in at the ankles Carolyn bought me a pair of thongs years ago When she was buying thongs For the children And said, here's some thongs

I said, what am I going to do with those? What do you wear to the beach? Boat shoes That's what you want From a political podcast I'm changing my opinion On free speech in this country I'm not sure

that people should be allowed to just podcast. I think that content should be illegal. Mind you, he might have a run in with federal police because on his podcast, he admitted he told Amanda Vanstone how he'd hijack an aeroplane. I don't know why they've bothered to ban

bloody knives and forks on the plane if I wanted to take over a plane. I could stick a chopstick or something down through their eyeball and put out. A HB pencil in the eyeball. Or the eardrum, incidentally. That'll work. Grabbing by the back of the hair. A shove an HB pencil and then go tap tap and believe me they're ready to do what you want is this why people always

accuse comedians of being leftist like because here's the thing like that i i think we finally found right wing comedy that isn't just immediately awful like hear me out this pint was a shithouse politician right shithouse terrible i can say that as i was 10 at the time but it's like i'm not sure whether I'm laughing with him, but I'm definitely laughing. But it was so violent. That's what's funny about it. You just can't believe that this man had a job in leadership. Or everyone from Adelaide is just a psychopath.

But that wasn't the scariest thing from the podcast. The scariest one was back in March when he interviewed Gladys Berrigickely and had this scary preview of what was to come for the state. You said when you were in response to some questions from some journalists, I'm looking forward to testing the health system in New South Wales. We've invested an enormous amount of money in the health system. That was a brave call. It was.

I believed it, though. Yeah, and if there is a breakout, well, we feel like we've got the assets in place to deal with it. Well, that's why we kind of move forward confidently in opening up parts of our economy. And I promise myself, I never wanted to shut down schools again, never wanted to have a lockdown again after the first experience. I thought, let's find a sustainable way of living with this moving forward. And that's the path we've taken in New South Wales, just to keep pushing literally. the boundaries, seeing how much we can do in a COVID-safe way.

How's that pushing of the boundaries going now, Gladys. I think the Amboes and the Western Sydney hospitals are not enjoying the boundaries being pushed. Dylan, it's just a stress test. It's just, it's all she's doing. She just wants to... Everything's a simulation now. Just basically maximising the value that she gets from the investment she's made in the health system.

I don't know what you guys are talking about. Clearly it worked. Anyway, that's pine time. podcast, the Christopher Pine podcast where Christopher Pine talks about Christopher Pine for Christopher Christopher Pine's enjoyment. I cover the whole thing more in depth on this week's episode of my podcast, News Fighters. So feel free to have a listen there. I will be. And that's out on Friday, isn't it? It's out on Friday, yeah. Okay, great. Well, let's tomorrow. We'll all download it. We all promise to download it, don't we? I have a bit of wine time with pine time. That's

for sure. Yeah, if your Friday night is, yeah, wine time with pine time. We're in lockdown. What else are we going to do? One time with pine time, but only through the lens of news fighters. I don't know how you deal with it in a serious level. You've done a saint's job, Dylan. I don't know how you did that. We're going to have you back and we're going to get you to do the same thing with Tony Abbott's podcast, so we don't have to listen to that either.

Brilliant. We'd love to. Well, let him get a few more Eps in the can and I'll love to come back. That'd be awesome. Thank you so much. Cheers, thanks. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important.

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I am saying this of my own free will. Now, just before we go, Gabby, John has just dropped in because he's got some sort of issue. Oh, what's going on, John? Hi. Well, as the camera correspondent, I was paying attention to the camera COVID news. As you do. And our chief minister was holding a press conference, just like all the premiers do in states where they're allowed to call them premiers. And there was a question that annoyed me a little bit.

There were some COVID fragments found in the sewage in Marimbula. There's some speculation that Camberrans are to blame for that. Can you provide any clarity on that situation? No, I don't know where the sewage fragments have come from. I mean, there's COVID all over New South Wales, so it's just as likely to be from New South Wales. I don't think the sewage detection is quite that sophisticated to be able to tell whether it's a Camberon's poo or someone else's.

That is great. Why did that irritate you, John? How dare New South Wales accuse us of bringing COVID to your state First of all, second, you know evidence and you've got wildly base accusation like that in the middle of questions about vaccine rollouts. Okay, I know that you're frustrated, right, but all I can help think is like it's this common San Diego poo operation that it's like, well, it was found in poo, but not our poo. There was a second question 10 minutes later in the press conference about who has made

the allegation that a Cam Barron went to New South Wales to take a poo and share COVID around. I'm sorry to bring up the marimbular sewage again. John Barilaro has directly pointed at the ACT as the cause of that. What is your response to Mr. Barrow? Does John know something about the poo that other people don't? I don't know where he's getting that from. I mean, if he's got scientific evidence that can back it up, that it's Canberra poo, okay, all right. But, I mean, seriously.

I'm just not interested in having whose poo it was arguments with John Barilaro at the moment. to be honest Jasper I can't I can't fucking cope with it The weird thing is This has actually raised The quality of public discourse

In the country It's the first time We've talked about actual border issues Between Canberra and New South Wales How dare John Marilaro Just smear the good name of Canber Not the only thing is smear

And apparently No look speaking as a New South Welshman I think these are questions That do need to be right I back John Barilaro in raising these questions about the poo. And I suppose what I would put back to you, John, and to your bar or whatever his name is, is, you know, if you're going to be saying that it's not Camberon poo,

then provide the evidence. Why can't your sewage systems decide whether it's a Camberon or a New South Wales? It's a New South Wales. The accusation is that Camberon went to New South Wales and pooed illegally. Distracting from the actual accusation of whose poo is whose, right? I actually really want to uphold that the journalistic integrity of whoever's asking these questions is really great. Because like question number one was good, but number two. Number two.

It was literally just a shit joke. What I just made, just a poo joke. It just made a joke about poo. That's what the outro is now. Genuinely, the question before this was about getting vaccines to people who work in disability centres. And it went to whose poo is it? John Barilaro said it's yours. Oh, my God.

I noticed you've labelled that audio clip, Poo Gate. So I think this is what this has become. This is a national skater. This needs a name. This is the first time we've had an actual shitstorm in Australian politics. We've reached that point. But also, I assume the anti-terror police are coming for Andrew Barr any day now, though. Well, you know what, though, he'll be right, because brown-nosing is rampant in politics anywhere.

We are supported by the... What are we? You've never done that announcement, have you, Charles? Our equipment. Now that Dom's gone, you don't know what to do. Our equipment comes from Road. Oh, my God. Our equipment's from Road, and we are supported by the ACAST Creator Network.

Please leave a five-star review on Apple, and the keyword today is... Surely poo. It's poo. Dom is going to be so disappointed. See ya. Bye.