The Chaser Report - Why Won't The ACCC Go After IGA?

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

Charles Firth, Dom Knight, and Andrew Hansen correctly identify the problem with the ACCC going after Coles and Woolworths. The consumer watchdog has it all wrong, and should instead be going after the little guy: IGA. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom, Andrew and Charles. It's all three of us. Amazing. It's practically P. Diddy-esque up in here today. It's a freak-off. It's a Chaser Report freak-off.

What is a freak-off? I've never heard the term. I think it might be a criminal offense. Yeah, it sounds like it's a crime. Look, it's a P-Ditty party. It's a P-Ditty party. And they last. for days and they're sex parties.

Yeah, and I think that they're... Yeah, they're sort of sexual assault party. They're horrible. Yeah, they're awful. We were going to talk about the P-Dity story today. Charles was all for it. I was all for it because I thought it would be highly offensive and inappropriate to do. And then you two seem to not want to do it for the exact same reason.

Yes, it would be highly offensive and inappropriate to do. And just, yeah, and Pied-Ding. What a silly name. What a stupid name. I mean, I remember he used to have a respectable name, Puff Daddy. Back when I respect. You know, that was a name that you could carry with dignity, wasn't that? Yes, indeed.

That's not a silly cartoon name. So we decided instead to talk about an important issue that's relevant to all Australians, not just your sort of celebrity shenanigans, something that I think every listener's going to want to address because it really touches all of us where we live, isn't that right? I think you're talking about my upcoming gig in Canberra there, aren't you, Domney? I think that's what you mean, an issue that's at the heart of every Australian. Just what I think Charles is the most shameless member of the Chaser. Hansen's got a gig in...

Are we really plugging a gig in Canberra? Anyone listening will know or care? It's only Canberra. It's just one date left on this tour. You know, I've got this... I had this hit show a couple of years back called Everyone Else Is Wrong with very funny sketches in it

about, you know, things like an environmentally friendly James Bond and my wife leaving me for Bluey's dad because he's a better father. I mean, it's a great show. But there was one city that I never got a chance to actually do it in for very, various reasons, and that was the greatest city on earth, Canberra, the capital of New Zealand. I really hope many listeners have just skipped this bit.

Okay, so Wednesday on, come on, let's get this over with. I'm already bored. Get the dates. Let's put the ads in that pay us. Come see Andrew Hanson. Friday the 11th of October, one night only at the Canberra Theatre Centre. Tickets from Canberra Theatre Centre or Mr. Andrew Hanson.com. You should have done it on the 11th of November because there's a great tradition in Canber of things getting axed on there. the 11th of November. Anyway, it's a memorable date.

Let's all earn some money other than you, and then we'll get into the actual topic of this podcast, which is supermarkets after this. Have you got any gigs you want to plug Charles before? Oh, God, you probably do. Yeah, but let's just, I'll plug them another day. I don't want to tread on Mr. Andrew Hansen.com. Yes, Mr. Andrew Hansen.

Not on my Friday, the 11th of October gig. Was Andrew Hansen.com taken? Yeah, it was. I couldn't get Andrew Hansen. It took me so many years to bother getting a website. By the time I looked, which was only about two years ago, there were like 50 different Andrew Hanson websites.

Are they all porn sites? Mostly crooks. Yeah, did he registered them all, I think? Oh, there's full of, lots of them are sex offenders and all sorts of things. But there was, Mr. Andrew Hanson.com was left over. So I whacked a little. And that's good because that's my pronouns. Oh, yeah, that's true.

So here's the thing. For years, and we did this on War and Everything, you remember. the down-down prices are down. Coles made a promise to us consumers. Woolworths also said, you know, prices are low, prices are getting down. Apparently the A-Truple-C has taken a look at whether the prices actually were down. Would you believe they weren't? They misled consumers with prices dropped and down-down-down.

And have you actually read the case? It's really interesting, right? Which is essentially what was happening is, so coals have down-down, I think, their thing. It's very ditty as well. All this is always going down. And Woolworths have a thing called... Prices dropped. Price has dropped, right. And they are things that permanently lowered the price is the sort of sentiment behind those. Yeah. And what they have shown is through this complex algorithm that essentially the way they did that was to put prices up. Like literally those, you know, like if you saw down down, that means the price has gone up essentially. Because what they did is

they put the prices up quite a lot for a brief period of time and then put them down higher than where they were at, but now permanently locked down below the peak. And it was really systematic. Yeah, they put it up by 15% at least. Yeah. So then they go, oh, the prices have dropped. Yes. Relative to the artificially high price.

Oh, look, it's still a discount. I don't know. I mean, if you were only born while the prices were high, let's say for a newborn baby, that baby would be actually thinking, wow, these prices are the lowest they've been in my entire life. The whole life. So great for babies who like to shop, I would say. But also not very surprising. We all know that that's what they were doing.

It's so unsurprising. And to see the ACHOC going, oh, we're shocked. And to see the government going, oh, we're so shocked. And Albo came out yesterday and said that because the coalition, bizarrely, have taken the more left-wing stance on this whole thing. They want to actually give the ACHOC the powers to break up the supermarkets. Right, which, of course, they're saying because they know that it will never then happen. Yeah.

Like no A triple C commissioner. It's the same as their plan to give the A2C, hypothetically the power to hypothetically split up Kondis and Jester. I got very excited about that at one point and announced, oh my gosh, Jester and Qantas are going to break up if Peter Dutton's elected. It's like, no, no, no, the A2C will hypothetically have the power, which might maybe get them to do something. But this is very strange.

The point is that Alba has come out today very strongly and says, we don't want the result of this inquiry and this lawsuit that the actual suit is doing to be just a slap on the hand. Right. So the one thing that you know, the result of this whole ACCC taking Coles and Woodworths to court is that it will end up being either a slap on the hand or even less than that. That is the one thing that we now know. And I don't know, Lachlan put up on the podcast yesterday because we skipped a show yesterday

and he made some wry comment about how I was totally wrong when this first came out. I said, nothing is going to happen, right? I said, they will, like, nothing will happen as a result of the government intervention in this space, right? And Loughlin was all gloating yesterday going, oh, we'll see, they're suing. See, Charles was wrong. I maintain nothing is going to happen. Coles and Woolworths are more powerful than the federal government. And you will see over the, like, what will happen is,

if there is a big fine imposed, the Coles and Woolworths will just buy that court and then it won't be a problem anymore. They'll just buy it and roll it in. It'll just be the local Coles Express. It'll be the Supreme Court of Coles. That'll be great to go in and you'll be able to... If you're a defendant or something,

there wouldn't even be a judge. It'll be self-served. It would just be in this little automated counter where you'd whisk yourself through, and it'd probably give you your judgment, guilty or not. It's a very good idea. You'd get everyday reward points whenever you got convicted. And also, the thing is, you know what we should do?

I think I've worked out a way to actually come up with a solution to actually get Coles & Woods, which is presumably they'll be given some massive fine. Like it'll be a hundred million dollars. It'll be like three days worth of profits for Coles and Awards, right? And then they will appeal to get the fine down, down. Uh-huh. Right. And then the judge will go, okay.

What we'll do is we'll increase it to 200 million that fines are now down down. Get it? I see, there's a parallel between what you're proposing as a fact to the case. They'll put the fine up artificially and then reduce it slightly to get it down down. I've got a better idea.

I've got an idea for Colson Moore's. I see what you did there, child. You don't need to spell it out. I've got an idea for Coles and More Worst to avoid all. Could you say it? No, he does. He needs to spell it out, Dom. He needs to say it again.

Sorry, Dom, I'm going to interrupt your train and foot. I'd like to hear the explanation. Just more clearly. So say they get a fine for $100 million. What I'm thinking is there's an opportunity here, Charles. There's an opportunity for Coles and more worse. And possibly for us, if we play our cards right. Because we've got to, I mean, Peter Dutton's talking about being for the little guy and keeping prices down.

We need to be for ourselves. That's just the way that the world is. Yes. And for our listeners, of course. What Coles and Willis need to do is establish new very small premium supermarkets called the chairman's supermarket. Oh, yes. And with a hidden door at the back of a woollies or a coals, you go through the special door. And it's for frequent buyers.

It's only for, um, MPs. Oh, I see. CEOs. Yes. Judges could go in there. Regulators. A triple C regulators. That's right.

When you're in the supermarket, not only you welcome with champagne and a brist of coffee and whatever you like. Yes. And all the groceries are free. You don't have to pay for anything. There's no menu. You go. There's no menu.

You go. There's a concierge and you say, oh, I would like, you know, some, some, some, a loaf of bread and so I'll have some cucumbers and tomatoes. And a concierge will just go and get it for you. Naturally. And hand it over. Yes. And that is why that's how Coles and Willis can make sure nothing changes.

By getting all federal MPs and all judges and all prominent commentators and ourselves, if we play our cards right, into the chairman's supermarket. And then the game becomes not to try and rain Coles and Woolworth's in. It's to try and get into that club. Yes. Yeah. That's right. Because if you criticise them in public, you'll get a letter saying, I'm terribly sorry. your membership with the chairman's market or whatever it's called.

Yeah, so then they can revoke. They've got something to revoke. Yeah, they can revoke it. Yes. And no more free little champagne and groceries. Yeah. You're missing out. So what would you call this now?

Is it the high rollers lounge? I think it's like the chairman's not a lounge. The chairman's mart. The chairman's mart. That's pretty good. The high flybys. The high flybys. Yeah, nice.

I like that. I like that. Yeah. private gig from status quo. They could come in and play especially for you. Down, down, presses it down. I mean, I kind of blame them, really, for the whole... I don't understand why status quo is not being taken to call it.

Because this leading and deceptive. They're the ones. They gave us the initial promise that the prices were going down, down. They stood there with red hand-shaped guitars, as you may recall. I do. And they promised us that the prices would be coming down and down. Well, were they lying? Because I'm pretty confident that the amount you had to pay,

to book status quo for that ad was a significant reduction from how much they charged for a gig in their prime. I suspect the prices were right way down. That's how they advertised their own rates as well. They stood there on their own

on their corporate speaking website. Sure. Aren't you? You're a musician. Surely the point where you find yourself in a supermarket ad playing a guitar that's shaped like a hand is the point where you know

things are pretty much over for you. Well, I'd expect to see P. Diddy doing exactly that very soon. The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. The other angle that I don't think anyone's paying any attention to, even though it's arguably more egregious than Coles and Woolworths. Is the lacking, the fucking local supermarkets?

Like the IGAs. Oh, the little guys. Why doesn't anyone pick on the little guys for once? I hate the little guys. They charge so much. Yes, because they charge more than Coles and Woolies. Like, you go down to the IGA, a packet of chips is like $8. I went to our local, because Charles and I live near each other.

I went to our local expensive supermarket. I was sent to purchase all these spices for a delicious rice dish that my mother-in-law was making. She's saying, get all these spices. And I bought them on, and it's like $40 worth of spices. They're all sort of like $7, $8 a little packet. And my wife, just to make sure I didn't stuff it up, sent me screen captures from the Milk Run app. In other words, from the very expensive home delivery Woolies app. And it cost less than half in every case.

Like on Milk Run, the cinnamon sticks were like three bucks. a packet. You're supermarket $7. I literally, I was making a donate, was it fraud?

I don't know what it was. But I'll tell you what, there's no one at that guitar going, prices are

down down. Yeah. Well, a very expensive guitar maybe and then that way. I guess they'd have a premium ban.

You know, they'd have you too to advertise the local supermarkets. Howard Bono sings. Prices are

incredibly high, Andrew. Yeah. The prices are incredibly high. Something like, That's Bono. I felt like I was here.

I was pretty uncanny. What happened? Did you use AI or something? Yeah, it was pretty good. Bono's never sounded so much like a pirate, has he? Anyway. I'm pirate-esque. He's very breathy and piracy, I think.

I think that they've got it all wrong. They've got to go after the little guy. That's right. They're the one's really ripping a local IGA. I wouldn't stop at the local IGA. I can't afford to. I would be going to the little corner store. The little one that in Melbourne is called a milk bar

And in Sydney you might call it a corner shop or something You know The little one that you suspect is probably anyway A front for some sort of money laundering Or something like We should be going after them The one with a faded picture of a Peter's drumstick on the window Take them down

Yes, for too long And they should all be turned into convenience stores That's a much better Turn them all into 7-Elevens and Easy Marts and Tobacco Station Now there's a business That's where we should be going that at Coles and Woolies, go to a tobacco station where you can't buy a lot that's useful.

But if you want to buy a vape or a $10 can of Coke, if you want to buy a suspicious fruit-flavored vape that is in no way marketed at children, stop your trade at the tobacco station, kids. Or a $7 snickers. Anyway. I'd like to see them rolled out, actually. Big ones. You know, the problem with this little tobacco store.

I think they're too small. Yes. If they were the size of a full-fledged Woolworths. Which they will be. And just all full of vates. Just aisle after aisle of vapes. You could have aisle one, strawberry, aisle two, pineapple. Yeah.

I mean, it would be fantastic. Just put them outside every primary school. That's what we want, a giant. But they're already on every block in Sydney. I don't know if you've noticed, Charles. All the 7-Elevens have been closing down. Yeah, yeah. Like, well, it's a bizarre thing.

I can give at least three or four, the ones that I went to most often that are now closed. And the tobacco stations grussed them. beneath the because they don't sell fancy vapes and bongs and whatever. So I thought it was very shrewd

because 7-11 used to sell overpriced stuff by regular stuff. Yeah, yeah. And you always had to buy two of whatever it was. It was like two,

you know, two baggards of chips for $8. Yeah, two for the price for $7.50. Yeah, you've got two two for the price of one elsewhere rather than one for the price of two.

And then to bagels. And even the two was so expensive. Even if you bought the two, you're still crippling with the long. No, it's a marginal discount on something you don't need. Like, the number of times I ate two chocolate bars I didn't need

because it was marginal cheaper than buying one. That's right. Desperately stuffing the second cherry ripe down your gullet because it seemed a better value. But the tobacco station came in with a much better business model, which was to make things even more expensive than that and only give you one. That's right. To make it an addictive product. Somehow everyone went, oh yeah, let's go with that one.

Like 7-11 spent so long, you know, with basic household items. Like you can get band-aids there and flour. They'd have flour and stuff if you wanted to. Fuck all that. Just vapes. That's all you need. Vapes and chocolate. That's a store with a round business model place.

Life set with vapes and chocolate. Can I ask the Sydney folks, Dom and Charles, from the Melbourne person here, being Andrew, are those tobacco shops all, you know, exploding and being firebombed in Sydney? Or is that a Melbourne-only problem? be a Melbourne only thing. Yeah, I think it might be a local issue. I mean, we know Melbourne's the biggest city now. Melbourne's the big smoke.

They've got the global crime. Actually, Melbourne's always had better crime, hasn't it? I think back on the underbelly days, Ligon street, and we can't hold it. It's where you come. We're very proud of our crime in this city. It's why so many people have flocked here. Yeah, and it's well done because it's the Victorian police really foster that.

Oh, yeah. It's allowed to happen. It's a cultural thing. It's part of the cultural fabric. Look, it's very livable, I think. The crimes are very livable. But if you're going to firebom something, now I don't endorse this. I want to be very clear.

But if you're going to firebom something, make it a shop full of flammable items. Like, that's firebombing a vape store, that's going to be free vapes for all. Maybe they want to unlock it for everyone. Maybe these are sort of socialist bombers. It might be sort of marketing, right? Yeah. It's all gone up in flames. All the local school kids go around.

Oh, what's that delicious fruit-flavored scent that I can smell. It's actually just smelling. fire, long, no, best smelling inferno I've ever walk past.

You know, it's marketing. It's just marketing 101. So look, I want to ask at the end of this episode, it's been fun.

We've identified that the real problem is the little guy. Yeah, absolutely. If only Coles and Moore's could just tread on them

a little harder to extinguish any signs of light. I just want to know, Charles claims that Albo's not going to do anything and nothing's going to change.

Yep, definitely. Andrew, is he right? What do we think? Is Charles as an idiot is or is he made a correct prediction,

which happens occasionally? Charles, obviously, very rarely is correct about anything at all. But I think in this case, it's clearly right. I mean, whenever has a large company ever received any sort of significant punishment that's actually done them any harm at all or caused them any... No, of course, Charles is right. Nothing will happen.

And if it does, it'll be completely inconsequential to these enormous companies and they'll just continue to do it. I mean, look, I can imagine a temporary thing happening, like their prices will come and be reasonable for maybe a couple of months. and then it'll all just go back. It'll be like the Banking Royal Commission, where they clamped down on irresponsible home lending for a few months to look okay,

and then the whole problem just bolted off again. And that's what's going to happen with it. That's my tip. And I'm correct about pretty much everything. I don't think either of you're right. I think there will be change. I think massive changes are going to happen, and the supermarkets will never be the same,

because American giant companies are going to come in and buy them. And Walmart will come in, you know, Amazon will come in. They'll crush coals and woolies. Those brands will disappear. There will be a Walmart everywhere, and there will simply be no other retail. It will just be Walmart, and that's the only thing that will exist. So we'll go from a duopoly to a monopoly. Be much more efficient.

And this is probably a good segue into us saying that this episode has probably been sponsored by Amazon. Fantastic. What's a good change then? Look, if you're going to have an overlord running everything, at least make them. They're very efficient. At least they're efficient. That's something you don't have in Melbourne. You don't have same-day Amazon delivery.

It's fantastic, Andrew. Yeah, you should have got your spices through Amazon. I should have. Same day delivery through Amazon Prime. Plus they throw in TV shows, how can they do it? For such a low monthly payment charge. Well, I think they just don't pay their workers, isn't that? Oh, shh, shh, hey, cut that out.

Cut that out. Our gear is from Roe. We're part of the Iconiclass Network. And we've just lost our final sponsor.