The Chaser Report - Wicked Wokery Of The West | John Delmenico & Lachlan Hodson

Episode Date: December 2, 2024

John Delmenico takes Dom and Lachlan through the list of things that the bastion of culture, Daily Mail, have decreed as "too woke". From Christmas traditions, to sandwich staples, you literally won't believe the things they've tried to start culture wars against. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser, Dom here with the editor of The Chaser and star of X slash Twitter, John Delmenicoe, along with our wonderful producer, Loughlin Hodson. Gentlemen, gentlemen, welcome. Hello. Gooday, gooday. I'm here to grace this podcast with my million views presence. 1.2 million views on X or Twitter,

and I'm here to say that I reckon at least the point two of that is actual humans. I reject the suggestion that on X the Everything app, there are any bots. This was a natural thing because everyone is talking about wokenness right now. Well, John, there are bots, but those are the bots that support the Democrats. Oh, right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think at this stage in the process, Elon's army of followers have all got the NeurLink mind chip and therefore literally

a robots. Let's find out how John went viral as part of the ongoing war on wokeness being weighed across much of social media after this. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore?

FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.com. All right, so let's start with The Man of the Hour. So I've organised some stuff by going through the bastion of journalism that is the Daily Mail to find different examples of things that are just too woke. So Dom and Lockland, to start off easy, what did a triple J presenter do to get slammed for being too woke?

They line up all of their producers and ask people to piss into a microphone, to guess which person was pissing? Was that too woke? It should have been a different bodily function? Or a different radio program that goes to Sydney and Melbourne, that one. Does it count as going to Melbourne if no one hears it? So, yeah, I think we've got more listeners than Carl and Jackie. I know in Melbourne, actually.

Literally. Not as many as Sammy J, though. Not as many as Sammy J. We beat Sammy J now. Oh, yeah, no, we do. We do. Hey, yeah, we do beat Sammy J. Who's living in whose head rent free now?

Well, hey. Hmm, what could a triple J presented do? Did they give a shout out to they, them? Oh. No. What they've done is, you're both way too logical with this. We're talking the Daily Mail here. Oh, I know the answer.

The answer is whatever the Daily Telegraph reported about 12 hours earlier. Well, this one actually looks like it's a couple months behind everyone else. So, D. Salman has done the completely awful thing of being too woke because she has a boyfriend who she doesn't live with. Oh, my goodness. These culture warriors, they've gone too far with this one. I'm very confused, John. Please explain how this is non-woke in 2024. So she's not just woke for this.

She's ultra-woke. The headline is, footy star Darcy Moore's ultra-woke girlfriend, D. Salman, make stunning five-word social media statement after her bizarre explanation for why they don't live together. So they're not living together is wokeness, but she's ultra-woke because of what she said. Can I quickly ask, John, as the editor of The Chaser and a person who writes headlines for a living, when you write a headline, is it good form for that headline to have about 26 words in it?

Considering the most recent Chaser headline has like 26 points in it. Awkward subject, Lachlan. What's the headline? I'd read that long time that I just gave was the headline. Oh my God. That was the opening paragraph. That was just the headline. So what she did, the five words that she said, three of them don't matter to.

Like, they're only, I'll say about two of the five words, but the two words that she said were heteronormative. And the reason that the Daily Mail has slammed that as too woke is genuinely because the journalist doesn't know what it means. Well, particularly the issue is, it's one word. So there's that. Yeah. So genuinely, the article just says that they found the statement confusing. And so they've labeled it as ultra-woke. I've always thought that being hetero is actually too woke.

Oh, it's turned back around. Let's see. We've gone full circle on the sexuality spectrum where if you're straight... It's that radical now. I don't understand your generation. But I think it's amazing that in 2024 we've now come so far in sort of sexual progressiveness that someone who doesn't live with her boyfriend is being slammed in the media. And that's a direct turnaround from, I don't know, 50 years ago or perhaps even more recently.

I mean, I'm pretty sure the Daily Mail would have run a headline today, right? right now about some Hollywood star being caught sleeping with someone else. So make up your mind, daily mail. I mean, first, we start with people dating and not living together. What next, holding hands in public? We need to stop this at the source before it gets too far. So if different sexes kind of fraternise and go out in public and have any contact before they're married, are you saying there's a slippery slope that will one day lead to them

not living together because it's heteronormative? Wow I really slipped up on that slope I think I injured myself All right Well let's come back around With the next woke thing This is from the UK

And this is the one that I tweeted about They went viral Humbleboro, Cumbleberry Yeah So how is wokeness ruining Christmas party Well the word Christmas is part of the problem surely Are we waging war on Christmas again Is that what we're doing?

You can't say that word I thought Donald Trump saves Christmas It's got to be It's got to be seasons greetings It's got to be happy holiday season. You can't bring up religions like that. Well, again, you're both thinking way too logical here. The issue is mistletoe.

Missile toe. Oh, I know, because mistletoe is heteronormative. So that's not quite it. Damn. So the headline is how wokeery risks killing off the ancient tradition of kissing under the mistletoe at Christmas party. First of all, I love the term wokeery. Wokery's good.

Wokery's got potential. It's like a sort of Hesletoom a version of I like to think of it as a type of brewery where they brew wokeness, and you go to a wokery to get even more hero. They make energy drinks or something. You had to mention craft beer where they lecture the beer. Wokery is what Andrew Bolt thinks wicked is called. He's just holding space for a wokery. Oh, he's so holding space.

All right. So, Missletoe, the only thing I could think of involves. the whole notion that generally it's good to check that someone wants to be patched under a twig before you do? Is it connected to that or is it? Yeah, that's the wokeness. Is consent to woke?

Yeah, so 100% that is exactly what it is. So apparently, sales of mistletoe have been going down since the 90s, but also it's young people's fault. So I'm guessing by young people, they mean anyone who isn't a baby boomer because that would have, because the oldest Gen X people

would have still been quite young at those were Christmas parties. before they started not selling. I mean, holy shit, I'm 47 years old. This has never been a thing. Of any of the dodgy Christmas parties I've been to in my time? How extraordinary. I'm just wondering how this story even bothered to, like, bubble up.

Does big mistletoe have, like, tentacles in the Daily Mail? Are the mistletoe farmers up in arms? Yes, literally that is the reason is they spoke to a mistletoe farmer who also admits that he's actually doing really well because he also grows Holly and Holly sales have been drastically rising since the 90s. Does Holly cause allergies?

Because that'd be great for a work Christmas party. Like the creepy person comes over to you and you sort of scratch them with Holly. Maybe that's what it is. Self-defense. Well, that's what's going to lead to my next point, which is that the reason that my tweet went viral is the fantastic image that Daily Mail chose

to use to make their point. Because obviously, this entire article is defending work Christmas parties. And to describe the image, there is a woman shielding her face while a man is grabbing her arms with one hand and holding mistletoe over her up over her head and trying to force a kiss on her. Oh my goodness. It's so clearly like, so clearly a photo that the HR team would show and say, this is not appropriate behavior for this year's Christmas party. And that's their point. So does a daily male Christmas party come with a high risk of assault?

I'm not going to go to it. I'm assuming it's a high risk of assault and just a. bunch of cocaine. But hopefully whole lots of holly. Hey, let's just stop the late night frivolity and make some money. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore.

FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. The Chaser Report. More news less often. Okay, so, I mean, every modern business

sends out an email before the Christmas party saying, by the way, consent is a thing as every corporation in Australia now just excessively woke according to the Daily Mail. So I've got one more story for you guys. Maybe you guys can guess this one. Okay, I think I'm getting the hang of this now. You said I've been too logical before.

I'll give you a hint on this one as well. Okay. What food are Gen Z Brits waging war on? Okay. And so the logical answer would be something that is offensive, like has an offensive name, like all of the foods that we've changed. I'm not even going to say the name of some of those foods that we had when I was a kid. You can't even say it. You can't say it. So that would be the logical answer. And so I'm going to go with eggnog. Eggnog? Yeah. Eggnog. Eggnog is woke because some people have egg allergies.

It gets you drunk and that mistletoe accidents happen. And holy accidents happen. Oh, so what food is... At a Christmas pie? Is it minced pies if they've been like making mince pies with actual mints? Okay, I think you've both certainly gone a bit too Christmassy with it because the actual answer is sandwiches. Oh, at last.

So I'll read you the headline and then there's going to be one last question. Oh, sorry, John, I've actually only got ten minutes. Is there a condensed version of this headline? No, this is a full two sentences. Now, Gen Z are waging war on our sandwiches. How younger Brits are ditching English classics like ham and mustard in favour of fancy woke fillings. Woke fillings.

Oh. So what fancy woke filling do you think is replacing the humble ham? In Britain in 2020. See, I'm assuming being British, they still don't have very good taste in sandwiches. So I'm going to guess like it's, what is it Pristrateau or something? No. Fancy ham? It's going to be something.

What's poor? What's like a poor? Is it a poor? Bluey? Is Bluey making the moly Vegemite? I'm not going to say they're eating Bluey. No, it's going to be something like... Well, my theory is that they're eating

pepper pig. Oh, wait, no, it's sandwiches, but it's a different type of sandwich. It's like a KFC Zinger sandwich. Or a facetcha. Lofloch is really close. I think I'd give it to Lopton actually. It's just chicken. Chicken at all? It's chicken

generically is too woke. Chicken's all I can afford. Chicken is woke. Wow. Oh, the Stigel family's going to be so upset. It sounds like it's a scene from Back to the Future where it's like, nobody calls me woke.

I honestly think we need to send Red Rooster to the UK to set this thing to rights is that no one can go to Red Rooster and say that chicken is woke. Come on. And then not only that, but they get extra woke because of the other fillings that go well with chicken, like avocado, pepper and chilies. Avocados hardly.

Avocado's been woke for years, John, that's not new. It's also the reason you don't own houses, we know that. I just love the idea that like, oh, chili, now woke. Just some, of course, embritting anything that's like spices. That's true, it's flavor. That actually checks out, John. That actually checks out. So I'm just thinking we're all in the wrong job because the Daily Mail is one of the world's most popular news websites.

And you cannot tell me that the person who came up with the article, chicken is woke and it's ruining. British sandwiches is not taking the piss while themselves eating down on like a chicken and mayo degastation sandwich. It does feel like they just got a random, like a random word generator and then just throw the word woke at it and see it what they can come up with. Ooh, it could be chat GPT, woke GPT. They've trained an AI model on daily mail headlines.

Chicken GPT. We need to set up some sort of pro-woke website to troll daily mail. That would be fun. What we need to do is come up with, we need to start like a go onto a subreddit somewhere because that's where the Daily Mail gets all of their news from is trolling the Australian, sorry, scrolling through the Australian subredits. What we need to do is say, oh, I'm sick of this new, woke filling in my,

what's a very, what's something super Australian that we could claim is too woke and then have them. You mean fairy bread? Shit. Hasn't that happen? Are you just describing the stuff? did two years ago. Sorry, I forgot that the Daily Mail didn't learn a single thing. It's updated since then, Lachlan, and I thought you would know this because you work at...

No comment. Not a lot of comment. Let me just put on the record that the thing that John just said is not going to appear in the final version of the podcast. Absolutely. It's just been cut out by producer Lachlan. Yeah. I love a late night pod record. I think we need what news at thewoke.com.

This is exciting stuff. And this just further proves what I've long suspected, which is that your generation is ruining everything. I may be ruining everything, but at least my investments in mistletoe are going to go skyrocket soon. We're part of the I iconoclast network, and we'll catch you next time. I've cornered the market. You wait until I start putting it in sandwiches this year.

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca.