The Chaser Report - Won't Anyone Think Of The 0.05%??? | Andrew Hansen

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

Andrew Hansen is back on The Chaser Report and cheaper than ever! He joins as Dom shows off another musical act that could potentially out-sell him. Help Andrew continue to be Australia's most renowned musical artist by buying tickets to his show here! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth and with me today is Domite. And the cheapest man in Australian comedy, Andrew Hanson, is cheap. Andrew Hanson, I am the cheapest and tackiest. Thanks for that lead in, Dommy. Was that a chance for me to promote my national tour called Andrew Hanson is cheap? Is that what that was?

I just thought it was like an embarrassing confession. Oh, you haven't heard of the tour. Oh, well, yeah. Well, by coincidence, I am doing a show about how to save money in these very, very pricey times of ours. By giving it to you? Yes, basically. Yes, yes, yes. If you could hand over your money in the form of a ticket to my show, that would make my life easier.

Probably not yours, but... So, Andrew, can I compliment you on your sort of topical, you know, touchstone topic that you've chosen this year for your show, you know, where you're actually, you've focused on the one thing that people who are poor are thinking about, like the cost of living, inflation, you know, the fact that every dollar counts in their family budget, right? Can I just suggest, though, that perhaps marketing to the provos who are most affected by the fact that they can't fucking afford anything? And in the title of the show, pointing out that actually they can't afford anything anymore

and making them think about that very fact as they're about to splurge a whole lot of money on tickets for your show might not have been the best marketing idea in the history of the universe. Look, Charles, my ticket sales reports would back up this theory. It has been a real lesson, I think, in how the market... Hang on, I think it's genius. I'm surprised to hear that because I would have thought, it, what you would do with that title is capture people with discretionary income to come

and laugh at what povos have to do to keep the heads above the water. You all have been sitting there going, oh, they'll have to economize. That's what I've had to turn to. That's what I've had to turn to. I've had to sort of, you know, go to Forbes and people like this to sort of get their mailing lists so that I can market the show just to wealthy people. They'll have to drink Aldi, Sov and Yon Block. Oh, I'm ready.

And have you started writing songs like how? terrible the changes to taxing people who've got three million dollars in their super accounts is like like is that have you had to sort of shift subtly into like oh the poor millionaires you know well that's they're the people who are suffering the most aren't they charles you know i mean that we talk about it's talk about the cost of living the cost of being a super rich person it's it's devastating i mean all that money they don't you know you know what the oppositions honest to god opposition to the this.

Oh, Peter Dutton's policy. Yeah. So the plan is that there's going to be a slight increase in tax to people who've got over $3 million in cash in their super... Yeah, it's 30% rather than 15%. So it's doubling. Doubling the tax for, you know, the incredibly rich. His thing...

And there was an op-ed about it yesterday in the paper, in the Australian, of course, was that what about the sort of people who have a lot of... of cash but are actually otherwise completely asset poor like they don't have a house they've got to spend you know ten thousand dollars a week on rent for their harbyside mansion like they're going to do it hard and so what i've got an actual i've got a thing that i think that the labor government should actually intervene in this policy and actually you know and essentially take into account that that very you know correct critique uh that the libs have got going which is I reckon they need to introduce for this tax a hardship test.

Right. And the idea is that if you can prove that this tax will cause you genuine hardship, then all you've got to do is ring up Centrelink and make your case. Make it to give you a sub-story. Fill out a few forms with Sendle. We all know how easy that is. And you can be exempted from that tax. Well, because Peter Dutton came out of the gate, I think, faster than he ever has

on any policy and said, oh, we're going to repeal that. If we were in our government, we're going to repeal this thing. This is a big problem. He's coming for your money. And went by your, he means it incredibly small. I think it's something like 0.5% of the population. And the hilarious thing was I just read an opinion piece in The Herald, which said, what a brilliant move of Albo to wedge the opposition on this

because they'll have to cancel it. And everyone will go, oh, the government's making, you know, taxing the rich, which is popular in times like this. But I do think it's a slight flaw, though, in Labor's strategy to target, because it literally only targets basically billionaires and multi, multi, multi, multi-millionaires, right. Peter Dutton in other words. But, yeah, Peter Dutton, but also people who own media companies. Like, I reckon one of the key people who is going to be most affected by this policy is Kerry Stokes, right?

Maybe actually you shouldn't write policies that directly affect the tax planning of the people who make up the stories about you on Channel 7 and Channel 9. It would have been much more sensible to raise the super on, say, the bottom 99.5% of people. Oh, yeah. Because the media companies would have just gone, A great day for equality or something. That's right. I'm so with you, Charles.

definitely cowtow to media bosses more. I mean, I think that, you know, they have us too easy. Comedy reviewers, Andrew. So, Andrew, how is your show going? Ticket sales, whatever, but creatively. Is that why you've come on the podcast, the ticket sales? We finally got into your microphone. The reason on here, of course, is to let you know about the tour

and that you have to go to Mr. Andrew Hanson.com to find your millions of tickets that are still available, of my marketing nouse, not being strong enough. No, no, creatively it's very nice because, you know, the audience sit there and they have the best night of their entire life and then I leave at the end of the show. And can I just ask, do you do any songs? I do a lot of songs. There's plenty of songs.

Yeah, so how did you guess, Charles? Is it because I have a piano and a guitar on the stage? Is that a clue that there might be a bit of music in the show, a little bit of music? And how long are you still in Adelaide for? Like, will we be able to, because I'm coming to Adelaide? Well, I know, now you're doing a show as well, aren't you? No, I've specifically made it so that my last show is this Sunday, the 5th of March, so that I can avoid.

That gives me a perfect excuse not to have to see your show, which opens the following day, I think, doesn't it? Yes, that's right, it does. But you're doing Melbourne, are you? I'm going to properly do Melbourne like an artisanal sort of. Because I gather at Melbourne and Adelaide They're different sort of festivals You're supposed to run the show like a shop

It's meant to be, or restaurant Supposed to just be there open every night Because people, you know, it's different in other cities In other cities if you want to see a show It's like, oh, I'm going to go to the theatre I'm going to book a ticket at that marvellous big theatre Whereas in Adelaide and Melbourne They're these proper festivals

Where people just sort of wander in And they're on for four weeks And people just show up And it's like walking into a Chinese restaurant and say, oh, what will I have tonight? Maybe the chicken chalmereen or something. Whereas, you know, here you just go, well, which show I'll I see?

Maybe Andrew Hanson. And you're the discount chicken pad tie, aren't you? Yeah, I'm the one in the Baylorie. I'm the one that's been sitting there all day in that tray. I'm going to say kudos. And people go, oh, I loved that 20 years ago. I might have another try of that. It's always the, the cheap one in the Baymarie is always the.

the one with the vegetables, isn't it? It's always the one that's sitting there this kind of soup of wet bits of broccoli that are really soggy looking and sitting with those sort of soft Yes, and they've got those soft rectangles of, I think it's bamboo or something Those little squishy rectangles

And those mini corn Oh yeah, the baby corns My show is full of mini corns Actually, you are extremely corny You have it's true. Hey, Andrew I have some bad news though I know you're here to plug your show but I'm afraid you are no longer

the funniest musical comedian working in Australia. You've got an opponent is someone who has been doing some very impressive work in recent years. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the work of Mrs. Governor General, Fiona Hurley. Oh, she's brilliant.

Apparently what she does is when there's an event at, you know... Is she still there? She's still there. The government house or Yara Lumpf or wherever. That means, is David Hurley, Clearly, still the Governor General. He's still the Governor General.

He's still the Governor General. How is he not resigned in disgrace after he approved Scott Morrison's secret ministry scandal thing? If he had resigned in disgrace, the nation would have lost its first songbird. I don't know whether you've heard about this, but what she does is whenever there's a formal event, and apparently this now features in diplomatic briefings for new ambassadors. They warn any new ambassador going up to present their credentials to the Gigi, that his wife Fiona Hurley is going to want to sing.

And she almost always sings, you are my sunshine. And she changes the words. And apparently at the end of one of her recitals, they all stand up and sing, You Are My Sunshine. And you've got to face the person next to you because you're telling them that they're your sunshine. Have a listen to this.

Have you seen The Coldest 100 on Twitter? She won the title this year. She was number one. This is Song for the Invasive Species Solutions Trust. Australians love native animals They're unique and bring us joy We've had a sad invasion Feral animals who destroy

The Centre for Invasive Species Solution needs some help Let's think of our environment Aussie wildlife pain is felt And it goes on from their pain is felt It really is just like The worst teacher in the history of kindergarten Getting up and plinking along

So Andrew you've got some competition Oh, is she trying to drive up extinctions by like that song to be invasive species. They'll be, every species on earth will be like lemmings, just racing off a cliff to avoid the next song. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. I love that she's got the perfect audience because nobody who attends the Governor General's residence, they can't boo. Like if you're an ambassador, your diplomatic relations are on the line. Yeah, but also, like diplomats. trained in being polite

They literally Exactly But you should You should do your show in front of diplomats Oh, they're a captive audience A little golf claps in between Every song, A little polite claps

There is a bit of a scandal though involving Mrs Hurley Linda Hurley this week Because she took things a bit too far I must say Oh She turned up to the To Liz Moore

a community that has already suffered so intensely in the floods, a heart to go out to all the most expensive disaster in Australian history. Yes. And she sang at the ceremony to thank quote rescuers. That's what they need. They don't need houses. No. Or more tennis.

Yeah. Oh, they need a second disaster. I mean, the challenge is to relocate many of the houses in Lismore. They've done very few of them so far. They've got to move them up the hill. Actually, just before you put that, I'll just let you know because I've been up in this more recently and it's all right

because Dominic Perrote has announced a plan to have a plan about moving the houses up the hill so that'll happen any day wait a minute did he not have a plan look he's rushing this

he should have planned first for the plan to have a plan you can't have a plan to have a plan without planning oh he did he had a plan to have resilience New South Wales which unfortunately performed so badly in the recent disaster

they had to dismantle it. So the agency charged with long-term recovery after disasters was a disaster. But it's all right, Dom, because we've got the Governor General's wife instead. Yeah, and look, if you don't, you know what they're saying. If you can't have bread, have a circus. Here she is. Everyone's talking. Oh, right.

See, they weren't trained in being polite. That's right. She tried a non-diplabate audience. There's not quite attention. I can't actually make up the words. That's the best recording I've got. But, yeah, it's just like a manic kindy teacher who won't take the obvious no in the room for an answer.

Do you think, like, how do they talk about it in the bedroom? Like, you know, after night, does David go, hey, hon, you know, nice song, that you did tonight, but maybe next time let's not just do the song again. You know, like, do you think, and she just does it again anyway? Or is he probably tries to have that conversation? I bet you he tries to have that conversation,

but the problem is his wife doesn't listen because she's too busy singing, you are my sunshine in his face. Well, I'll tell you what, Lizmore does actually need. Isn't that cruel? Isn't it cruel coming to a flat affected region? and performing You are my sunshine

Apparently she also does And this is from The Guardian A few years ago She does sing it in the rain Oh Whoa I'm glad she didn't bring that out The government house staff She honestly believes

That it's a nice thing for the staff At government house Can you imagine Apparently they've A lot of them have briefed the media And how much they dislike having to do this She's done it for war widows I mean

Is there no limit Andrew, I really think you're in the wrong business. I think you've got to get your partner to become Governor General. And then you've basically got it made. Roll out my songs. It doesn't matter what quality they are. The audience will have to enjoy it. It's funny thing that Governor General.

Are there many jobs where your spouse, is expected to participate in the job at an equal level to yourself. I mean, how annoying that would be if your spouse was, you know, had some awful job, like they were sort of a, you know, having to be like a crime scene cleaner-upper or something. And I have to, you're telling me, I have to do it too just because we're married. I mean, Linda McCartney. You are my sunshine.

The other thing is she's clearly not trained. Like her voice. Oh, for shame, Charles. You can tell when the voice is trained because they have all these tricks, right? Like, Andrew, you'd know, you've got a fairly well-trained voice, don't you? You sort of... No, I know, well, I was never trained, but I'm just arrogant enough to think I can do it.

But, you know, she... Look, maybe she should book me for some lessons. You'd think you would have lessons. I mean, you'd think if your whole life was sort of singing, You Are My Sunshine to roomfuls of people, you'd probably have at least one lesson. But also, she would have done it in front of people who, you know, have the codes to the nuclear bombs and things like that.

Like, this is fairly high-stakes singing. No, but it goes to show we're not well prepared for Australia's defence, aren't we? It's an extraordinary thing. And apparently her belief in Andrew, this is something you can take with you when you go and do your shows in Adelaide, is it singing is a gift we give each other. Oh, isn't that nice? Which just makes me think, sometimes it's okay to re-gift a gift. So, Andrew, people can see you in Adelaide until Sunday, and then you'll be, you're doing all the, you're doing all the festivals, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm doing, all the, all the, all the, all the way around Australia, yeah, doing, you know, then there's going to be Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Perth, Canberra. You've missed me in Launceston. Sorry about that. If you've missed Launceston, oh, well, I'll be back there in another 14 years. A lot of restness in Launceston. Maybe next year. Who know. I had somebody email me about your.

Lonseston show I don't know what email me saying how brilliant it was and how I needed to bring my show there because your show was so good

like that just just informing you well you'll probably get a lot of this Charles and I'm sure look just open your inbox because they'll be you'll be flooded

with emails of everybody's hey Charles have you seen how wonderful Andrew's show is you've got a very high bar to read am I doing like in all these cities so you're touring

all the same cities with your show, Charles, aren't you? I assume. Am I going to be there first? Wankanomics. Wankeromics. We've both got sort of money-related shows. What are going to do. Yes, but our show is appealing to the corporate set, right?

Like, our show is literally pitched at finance, wanker-banker-type people. And it's making fun of those sorts of thing. So we've got no problem with our ticket sales, because it's all like, we literally are marketing to the rich finally. It's actually raised a question for me, Charles. I was very briefly a management consultant. And I've really been enjoying your parodies of language because it's spot on. Which makes me wonder, if you're so sharp at parodying business,

why the fuck haven't you made any money with this company for the past 25 years? It's really good. But it's like you have to understand it to make fun of it. And yet, I have much firsthand evidence that you don't. Is it James Schleffle who knows all this stuff? Well, yeah, James, that's what he does. That's his day job, his corporate communication, right? And we've got this great part in the show where we do a mission statement.

We actually help people understand how to write a mission statement. And James reckons it's not even parody. It's just literally like he's splendid his day job. Yeah, yeah. It's just ridiculously funny. I mean, the thing that I've done, I think, for the good of Australia, is not having a show so that I don't have to just constantly lamely plug my shit on the podcast.

I can just talk about what's happening in the world instead of myself. But that's all right. Look how much podcasts we've filled up though, lamely plugging our shit, though. This is content. I do enjoy your shows, Andrew. I haven't ever seen any of Charleses, obviously.

But no, the Andrew Hanson shows that I've seen, I think I was in one once and I saw that one. But I think that's it. I had young children at just the right time for them to be an excuse. Andrew Hansen.com for tickets and tour info. And Andrew, you'll stick around for the next couple of days on the podcast anyway, won't you? I will.

I'd love to stick around for the next couple of days on the podcast. I love sticking on this podcast. I don't know. I mean, do you want me to bring something to talk about next time? I will. I don't we talk about, I don't know, the Daily Mail or something. I'll talk about, I'll give you a daily mail round up next time about, because they're having a very hot week. So I can take you through some of their glorious headlines.

Okay, we'll do that tomorrow. But in the meantime, that's the Taser Report. Our gear is from Road, and we are part of the Iconic Class Network. Catch you tomorrow.