The Chaser Report - World War 3 Delayed, Fans Crushed!

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

Charles is incredibly upset that World War III is delayed again and ponders what else is left to watch on TV. Aleksa delves into which members of the ALP actually work for the CCP. Plus Dom is one of the dozens of Australians excited for the Commonwealth Games in Melbourne. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Thursday the 17th of February. I'm Charles Firth and with me are Dom and Gabby. Hello. Why do you get a surname? I've always wondered this actually. I've noticed all week he's been full naming himself and just first name. Gabby Knight and Dom Bolt.

Nice. Oh, Dom Bolt has a good ring to it. You should be an anchor. That's mean. So guys, terrible news about Ukraine. Russia has pulled back their troops and there's not going to be a war. I'm so happy to hear this.

What? I'm so happy to hear this. I've been doing Ukrainian on Duolingo for the last like month. You have been. I thought maybe you were a Russian agent or something. No, I've just, I watched Chernobyl and then I was like, yeah, okay. Yeah, I want a part of this. And were you worried that the Ukrainian race would be obliterated?

Well, everyone laughed at me. Everyone was like Ukrainian language is like the least useful to use. to learn, and I'm determined to prove everybody wrong. And so I've learned, you know, my cat drinks milk. Which is? She's a Russian agent. She's getting ready to parachute in there. This is not over, Charles.

You've fallen for Putin's ruse. Whatever. Like, maybe he will eventually invade. But the Winter Olympics is coming to an end. I have finished Reacher on Amazon Prime. And I'm going to have nothing to watch. I was assuming that straight after the Olympic Games, we would get, a sort of good war to watch, at least for the next few months.

No. Nothing. No. Like, and the stock footage, they were playing it on the TV this morning, you know, showing the withdrawals and things like that. It's all fucking weeks old footage of people doing training exercises. Because you weren't born during the first proper made-for-television war, which was the first Gulf War.

Yeah, 1990. It was so good. I think the Americans had the Patriot Missiles. and the Iraqis had the scuds. And they would actually, they would hit each other in the sky and blow up over Baghdad. It was almost as good as when Richard gets into a fight in the first series on Amazon Prime,

which I've also watched, like in the prison, he takes them all out. The other thing that had, Charles, remember the smart bombs? Yes. Where you see the actual video footage from the missile, zooming it on the place, and then boom. It's very entertaining.

But can't you just go back and watch the... Reruns. Again from the start on Amazon Prime? Well, I was saying, I'm thinking of maybe going back in the archives and dredging up the Vietnam War and watching Oh yeah, all the footage, all the accurate portrayed footage is that. I just wanted a good war to watch, so. Well, I mean, the whole Afghanistan war was pretty crazy.

That went for like 11 years. I know, but it dragged on, and it sort of outstated, it was like NCIS. It just sort of, what you've got to do is you've got to watch more sport. This is what most people are trying themselves to do instead of watching war. They just get over involved in sport that they don't. doesn't matter. Oh, reality TV issues. To all you of sport that doesn't matter, the T20 series of against Sri Lanka,

it was a total disaster last, like the night before last. Because Australia's already won, and then, like, they just keep winning. It's so boring. You want something like Ukraine versus Russia, where, you know, potentially, it could have turned into World War III. Like, if America got involved in Europe, it would have been a proper, even contest. Yeah. Succession is over.

And it's not going to come back to, like, August or September or something. I've got it, John. What you need to do is just start at the beginning of keeping up with the Kardashians. It's perfect. Just get into that. That has more conflict than any Russia on Ukraine fight. And there's Kanye, right? I can also recommend hot to handle.

Too hot to handle. Great show. Okay. Full of complex narrative. And what about Lux listings? Oh, I love Lux listings. Far more brutal than overheated than Ukraine. It ends you on a cliffhanger that you, I don't know when that's coming back.

So I just want to know what Ray White says, you know? And it doesn't, that's true. And it's not, I don't know. And I'm pissed. Does he say thank you, Mr. Hooker? He calls one of the realtors. It's fucked. And he's on a boat and it's like a really important call from Ray White.

And then they cut the show. I want to know what happens. Coming up on the show, Alex is coming in to talk about the mysterious and horrible links between China and the Australian Labor Party. And I have news that will cheer you up once and for all, Charles, with a television feast on the way. Oh, great. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca.

in the Chesa Newsroom. In response to news that Prince Andrew's sexual assault case has been settled out of court, the Daily Mail have declared this as a devastating indictment on Megan Markle's character. Naturally, in defence of why the Queen should pay her son's several million pound settlement fee, the Daily Mail have also released a photo

of Markle smoking a bong. Bipartisan support for a bill, allowing the deportation of immigrants with bad character, has led to Christina Keneally and Barnaby Joyce, both being forced to pack their bags. Both parties agreed Australia is no place for amoral foreigners who have come from overseas to abuse this land with no care for the people who were there first.

Producers of the upcoming Australian NCIS spin-off, NCIS Sydney, have reported that they will not be writing any episodes about crimes committed by the crime. the Liberal Party. The series is said to be half as long as its American counterpart, with most episodes cut short as soon as the police coincidentally stop feeling the compulsion to investigate. That's the latest headlines for The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. Over to you, Charles and Dom. You know what we don't talk enough about on this podcast is the Labor Party. It's always, ScoMo. What about Albo? Well, Alex is here to fill us in. Yeah, big news.

Labor Party more like C-C-C-P party. Is that not what the P and C-C-P stands for? Did someone CCD them on an email for the first time to actually include them in something important? Someone C-Ced them on an email that Xi Jinping sent out saying what should Australians do to... No, what happened actually was that there was an article in the Australian that said Beijing backs Albanesee for P.N. And how did they know, how they uncover this espionage? Oh, I got it through Tinder because they're all tens. Sorry, it's a callback to the recent bit.

It's in the Global Times, which is a Chinese media outlet. Pretty small. It's kind of been called the Fox News of China. It's kind of like propagandistic. And they've come out in favour of Anthony Abernesey. Kind of. They had an editorial by a retired Australian diplomat called Bruce Hay. And it was his opinion on who he likes more.

Boris and I at the Albany. So the source was actually just an Australian. There was an Australian who likes Albo, and that means that the entire Chinese Communist Party and the billion people who live in China are all pro-Albo. They all know who he is, do they? I don't know what to think about this, Alex. Because, you know, on the one hand,

it is true that they are an authoritarian regime, brutal they're conducting a genocide against the Uyghurs. On the other hand, you know, over the last few years, there's been a whole lot of tariffs And there's a bit of a tariff war going on with China. A lot of tensions. Which means that, you know, on all the toilet paper that we get printed in China for our merch shop at chaser shop.com,

we have to pay 6.25% tariff on that toilet paper because of this dispute with China. So I'm sort of thinking maybe we should go with the CCP-backed candidate, Anthony Albanese, and get that tariff down. We should go further. We should write an op-air. for global times. I'll take anyone by the sounds things.

Isn't this not news? Like, isn't this the same Labour Party whose Senator Sam Destiari got exposed as basically being an asset of time? Like, I'm going to say involuntarily so that he doesn't sue us. Hey, Sam. But, I mean, this is old hat.

Like, don't these links go way back? Haven't there been heaps of awkward donors before? And haven't we even heard the name that was mentioned in Parliament so we can mention it here, Chow-Chak Wing? Have we already heard this scandal? Like, aren't they dredging up old news here?

I mean, to an extent, but it's funny in the sense that, I mean, these scandals go both ways. Like, there's so many liberals that are embroiled in similar things. Well, the only actual candidate ever elected to Parliament, who was a member of the Chinese Communist Party, was Gladys Liu, who was a lib. But it's, yeah, I mean, I think it serves a bit of a distraction from the shit show right now domestically to just start calling each other Chinese spies. Well, I think this is, like, I think this is, is good because it'll actually be sort of entertaining.

Like, if we get a whole proper reds under the bed, you know, the Labor Party are basically China. Do you think that's going to be a fantastic election? It'll be so easy to parody. We've already written a script for that. But also be careful what you wish. I mean, China, okay, very repressive regime, lots of big problems, but very good at building like public transport. Yes. I can see our, you know, fast trains and metro systems.

That's it. He's linked to... That's why he wants the fast train because of the China connection. Exactly. I mean, would that be so bad? We might have to suffer liberty and people in the west of the country

might get repressed, but they're on the NWA. It doesn't really matter. But they are getting a bit disparate, aren't they? I mean, the head of Asia has already said, right, that he has absolutely no concerns about any Labor candidates. No, he's too concerned with the sixes and tens.

That's what he's concerned with. And Peter Dutton is still beating this drum. And they've only got this. They've got this, and they've got the... idea that they really want to wedge labor on kicking very mild defending New Zealand is backed at New Zealand. Those are the only things they've got to wedge labor on now. But like, Labor's even more anti-China than the Libs.

Like, they kind of, they voted on all the kind of anti-China policy. But yeah, like, but isn't the point that it doesn't matter? Like, you're sort of looking at facts, Alex. And that's, like, I don't think that that's where this election's going to play. It's going to be, you know, it's going to be. be who wrote an op-ed once for a Chinese paper. It's going to be the movie, thank you for smoking. It's what's going to be.

I look forward to the China discrepancy in Parliament, not because of the ever-increasing tension of the China-Australia situation or, you know, the genocides that we might make. I'm looking forward to it because there's only a matter of time before somebody internationally flubs on the media and accidentally says the words, four and China together, and it sounds a bit like vagina, and I'll be really excited for that.

That's just going to be fun for me. That's why you're voting for Ghana. Yeah, so I'm actually a part of the CCP. China. I'm a member of the CCP. Yeah, China. What I'd really like is if Labor goes full on CCP and the Libs go full on Russia.

They lean in. I want Russia versus China in the parliament. Yeah, nice. Nice. Well, it wouldn't, like, honestly, it would not be worse than our current corporate policy. At least they'd be talking about something. The Chaser Report.

Less news more often. Gabby and Charles, I have the best news that will happen. And here are in Australia for the whole of 2022. Forget the election, forget everything else. This is the moment you'll remember when I break this. Dental on Medicare. Is that what this is? Has it been a perjiccline lost her seat?

Is it? No, she works for options. She's screwing up an entirely different part of our society. Have the libs lost her seat of me? Oh, they won't know that for months. It's going to post it. No, no. Just look around you and remember where you were when you heard this.

news. Victoria is going to get the 2026 Commonwealth Games. We did it. We did it. Dad Andrews wins again. And you know what? This is the really exciting thing, right? Normally there's a bit of a competition and there's beards and a few different

countries square off. Well, Dad Andrews announced yesterday that he is negotiating exclusively with the Commonwealth games. That means it's basically Melbourne and nobody else. Wanted it, not because the Commonwealth Games are terrible. They got the Commonwealth Games because they put up their hand and now they're stuck with it. No, no, that is not like when I got made Hall Monitor in school. It is because whenever other countries heard that Melbourne might be in the race, they just disappeared.

They dropped out. They dropped out. No one can compete with Melbourne's livability. And also their world-class St Kilda Boulevard. I feel like the Commonwealth Games are what happens when mum says we have the Olympics at home. You know, like when you're going shopping and you're like, I want fruit loops, and then they say there's fruit loops at home and it's just home brand fruit rings.

No frills. Yeah. I just, I don't actually, I've never watched the Commonwealth Games. I barely watched the Olympic Games, but like, why would I watch the Commonwealth Games? I mean, didn't they have the Commonwealth Games, like, not that long ago in Melbourne? I think they were, no, no, they're in Brisbane last year. What do you play that's different to the Olympics? Imagine if you're Melbourne and Brisbane's got the proper Olympics for 2032.

It's cool. And you're like, well, well, what? Commonwealth Games, it's almost as good. No, it's really not. It's just not. I'm just trying to think of anything that will excite me about this announcement. I mean, what about if they have kayaking in the Yarra? And anyone who actually goes into the water will just immediately die of toxic death.

I think they should just invent new sports, like, you know, trolley throwing. Or you can like yeat a trolley off the edge of the yard. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, coffee pouring, I think would be really fun to watch. Because you do get demonstration sports, don't you? Yeah, yeah. What about snootying?

Nice. Is that a sport? Personal grooming, wearing black? I don't know. Oh, I got one. Arts funding. Can you imagine the opening ceremony where every country just wears black? It's turtlenecks and black pants.

Turtlenex, black pants, black dogs. You know what they should do? They should just go fuck this. We're going to have AFL. We're going to put a NFL in the job. There's a demonstration sport. That's a great idea. Is that a, what are the sports at the Commonwealth Games?

No, but the prox football. The problem is Commonwealth Games is anti-taking lots of performance-enhancing drugs. Oh. And you can't do that with the AFL. Oh, that's true. I love that it's a sport that not even the whole of Australia plays. Like, we're a tiny country, not even all of us like it. I've never watched AFL in my life.

So, time to get excited. Charles, you're a problem yourself. Forget Ukraine. Yes. Forget Russia. They're not even in the Commonwealth. Yes. I'll set my VCR to record the 2026 Commonwealth Games right now.

You're VCR. Yeah. You still have a VCR? Yeah, it was my VHS. Oh, my God. Actually, that seems the perfect medium to record the Commonwealth Games on. And I don't want to jinx anyone, but it's just possible that they might be opened by King Charles. Yeah.

Or Prince Andrew. He's free now. I'm not sure he's Prince anymore, is he? He's just Prince enough to open the Commonwealth Games, to be honest. The only job he'll get, our gives and road microphones are part of the ACAST, CRETA Network, and we are not an official sponsor of Melbourne, 2016, yet. Yes. We should put in a bid. We'll put in a bid.

We'll be the only bid. That'll be negotiated exclusively with us. Put up our hand. Finger.