The Chaser Report - Yes We Kanye

Episode Date: July 9, 2020

This week Dom takes a look at the unlikeliest presidential campaign since Trump’s and Charles bans Pauline Hanson from the podcast. Nina Oyama fills in for Andrew and checks out Melbourne’s worst food delivery service, Policearoo, and Rebecca De Unamuno brings us all the news you can’t trust. 
 See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to another episode of The Chaser Report. News You Can't Trust. I'm Charles Firth, and with me today is Dom Knight. Hi, Dom.

Hello, Charles. Now, usually Andrew Hansen would be here with us, wouldn't he, Dom? Yes, for the past 12 episodes, Andrew's been here. But he's in lockdown, strict lockdown. We can't even speak to him anymore or anyone from Victoria. Yeah, well, we don't want to risk getting infected, do it? No. No, no.

He also happens to be having another baby. And so, like, he's going to have the next sort of a few weeks, probably a few months off. Actually, probably a few years off, really, given how horrible it is to have a second baby. Yeah, and he's doing it under lockdown. So he's a very lucky guy. So hello, Andrew, if you're listening, I'm sure he's not. Dom, are you sad to see Andrew go? Look, Andrew is a really old friend who I'm very fond of,

and I really was devastated at the news we'd be losing him, until it became clear that we were getting Nina. Instead, and now I don't care at all. Yes, Nina Ayama is joining us in Andrew. place, Nina Oyama, how are you going? Hello, I'm good. How's it going? Oh, good. So, who are you? What are you doing here? This is a good question. Honestly, I just, like, I got lost and started tapping random numbers into the Zoom meeting and I'm not really sure how I ended up here. You've Zoom bombed. You're way into this podcast. That's right. I've Hamish-Blaked this podcast. I'm currently wearing spandex and annoying everyone.

But yeah, I'm happy to be here. I feel like I'm the baby. You know, you guys have just had me, two men and a baby. Good, that won't be weird at all. But you aren't in Victoria, are you, Nina? That's the great thing. No, I'm in New South Wales, so it is fully legal for me to speak with you. Yeah, for the moment, though. Yeah, we never know. It could change. So what have you been up to? Have you been enjoying the loosening of restrictions? Like, are you sort of getting on with your life now? In a big way, I've just been going around everywhere without a mask. But my favorite thing to do, I went back to the gym recently after about a four-month break. Yeah, it was definitely. a time. And I never realized how much I missed the gym. Like I mostly do treadmill stuff. So I like

went for a run on the treadmill. And afterwards I felt really good. I was just really excited. You know when you get that run as high? The endorphins were flowing and you probably felt amazing. Yeah. I just felt incredible. I was like I've missed the gym so much. And like you know, the light looked more beautiful. And I saw these birds singing in the trees. And I was just walking around like looking at these birds. And I walked straight into a big metal bench. And I bruised both my knees. So the takeaway here is that run as high is very bad for you and stop exercising kids because it's very harmful.

Don't go to the gym. Both knees at once. That is truly special. Okay, guys, what have we got coming up on today's show? I'm taking a look at the Kanye West Presidential Bid. He's given a very detailed interview outlining his policy positions and let's just say it's worth getting into. And Nina, what are you going to tell us about today?

I'm going to talk about the police delivery service in the Melbourne lockdowns. Ooh, very nice. But first of all, let's head over to Rebecca Dana Minow for the Chesa News headlines. Travelers from Victoria flying into Sydney Airport are being checked from today to make sure they can shut the fuck up about laneways for five minutes. The government said the new measures were necessary after 43 passengers on a jet star flight from Melbourne tested positive for not shutting the fuck up about how great the laneways are in Melbourne. Prince Harry has spoken out against privilege, saying that people need to check their privilege.

The actual prince urged other people to be aware of their privilege, saying he was frustrated with how blind some people can be to their own privilege. Prince Andrew has been devastated to discover he bought an airline after purchasing Virgin Australia from its administrators yesterday. The disgraced royal has not confirmed what he thought he was bidding on. Sources say Prince Andrew has no need for the airline, as he is expecting to receive a plane in the will of a recently deceased friend. That's the latest chaser news. Thanks, Beck. Hey, Beck, don't you feel sorry for everyone in Melbourne? Oh, yeah, I feel so sorry for them. Yeah, I mean, it is terrible. It must be awful.

And being in lockdown again must be terrible for them too. Yeah, that's all so bad. The Chaser Report, less news, less often. So Charles and Dom, you might have heard, Victoria has had a huge rise in coronavirus cases, which has led to a big lockdown news coming out of the state this week. In 12 postcodes across Greater Melbourne, residents have been told to stay home unless for essential reasons. But residents in these public housing towers across North Melbourne and Flemington aren't allowed to leave their homes.

Yeah, so these are the tower people. There's like nine towers where people are just not allowed to go out at all. Is that right? Yeah, they're completely stuck inside their home. And for the first few days of being locked down, the residents couldn't even get food delivered to their house. put on like immediate lockdown and they weren't allowed to get anything delivered or leave the house. So the police have been delivering them food in an initiative which I've decided to call police-a-roo. Guys, what do you think of a police delivery service? Well, I can imagine that with

the sirens on, the food will get there much faster than regular delivery, isn't it? Maybe it would work well, I'm not sure. I think it's a great idea. I mean, do you get beaten up as well as part of the service? Like, do they hand you your pizza and then just whack you with the baton? I think their strategy currently is just to put donuts on the hood of their car and you have to run out and grab them. And do you, does it smell, do you know that they're about to arrive because you can smell the bacon? Is that how awful?

I wish, because it turns out it's actually not that great. So as far as I know, many of the people trapped inside have actually been using TikTok to talk about what kind of food they've been getting delivered by the police. So Dom and Charles, firstly, do you even know what a TikTok is? Nina, we may be old, but we do actually know a few things about this world. I'll have you know that the Chaser is actually on TikTok. Oh, are they? At chaser.com.

You may not have seen them, Nina, because even though we've got two million subscribers on TikTok, we are now shadow banned from TikTok. Oh, no. Because we did a video. What happened? We did a video, one of the old videos of Craig delivering a massive golden cock to Trump Tower. This is from years ago. We reposted it to TikTok the other day.

and we've got shadow band which means we can still post but then it's just it doesn't go anywhere it's just um oh so it doesn't come up on the for you page yes exactly that's so upsetting because that piece is a it's timeless comedy gold thanks thanks nina i'm very confused by all this i thought i thought ticot was the comforting beat of a grandfather clock that's what i thought you thought tom ticot is like a service where people can upload videos and often they're funny and often they're lip-syncing to dancers, but often they're factual, and so it's a great way for young people

to get out news information and talk about what they're experiencing from inside the towers. So I've taken this clip from the resident at Vintage Chocolate on TikTok who had something to say about the food that was delivered to the flats. The government said they're going to take care of us,

cater to our needs, provide food, but what I'm about to show you is a whole joke. We were expected to eat this, this, and this as well. Most of the food, which was expired, We don't know whether it's halal, we don't know whether it's clean, we don't know whether it's proper, it's disgusting. How do you expect to put 3,000 people in lockdown and not have the proper resources to take care of them? Poor old vintage chocolate, even his chocolate is incredibly old, apparently. Well, I also want to acknowledge, like, he said this and this, and the audience can't exactly see what vintage chocolate was referencing,

but I have set the images to you guys, and can you describe what he's talking about? Oh my God, is there, is there moldy, what is it, beans or something? is it? It looks like a bag of sick. It looks like, yeah, vomit or it might be baby poo. Yeah, it definitely has a diarrhea energy. And it's just dumped on the outside the house. Just literally, it's like a white plastic bag of unknown substance or origin. And then this large, clear plastic brown lump of, well, what we can only assume is poo.

And you're right, it doesn't even say whether it's halal or not. I wouldn't be eating that. I can see some bits of sweet corn, so it's definitely poo. Yeah. Wow. And then there's another one where it's sort of vacuum-packed, what, vegetable mush, should we call it? It's sort of broccoli. I mean, that's a crime against humanity right there, serving people broccoli.

And is there a pack of, like, it looks like kind of off-brand wheat bicks or something? Yeah, I'm not sure what that is. But apparently they have been serving people off-brand wheat bicks and also not providing them with milk. As everyone knows, you don't need any fluids to eat wheat picks. It's just delicious out of the box. Well, I suppose they only need to provide one wheat beak per resident because they'd take about a day to just consume the dry wheatbiz. On school camp, there used to be a challenge where you had to try and eat a whole dry wheat bick. So at least they're providing them with entertainment.

The good news is that as a result of this, many donations have started donating food to the residents, so they don't just have to eat this stuff, although yesterday police did arrest someone who was trying to deliver food to the building. Quite like from Uber Eats or something. Yeah, there's never been a better excuse to be a late delivery driver. What are the differences in practical terms between this and prison? Like, they're basically in-home detention, right? Yeah.

I've heard the internet's better in prison. At least they don't have the NBN there. Yeah, they also have to get coronavirus testing, I think. So they get the little things shoved up their noses. A nose swab. Have you guys had a coronavirus test? No, but my wife had it, and she said it was like nose sex, but not in a good way. Yeah, I agree with that.

I had it as well, and I cried. But not because I'm a weak dog, just because when they stick the nose thing into your nose, it activates your tear ducts. And so you have a response. It's like when you're cutting onions and then, you just naturally start crying. I've never felt emotions in my life. Yeah, absolutely.

No, I had the same thing. It felt like a bit of my brain had come off. And actually, looking at these photos again, Nina, I reckon one of these bags is just full of bits of coronavirus swab if they've accidentally delivered. You could be correct. Anyway, as far as police goes, it's a zero stars from me for their service.

Actually, Nina, it's a bit awkward, but this episode of the judge reward is actually brought to you by police a route. Oh, no, then I've, I take back everything that I've ever said that's bad about police arroo. Oh, thank you, yes. They are the best law enforcement delivery service in Melbourne. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. Tell you what, this morning I had a real hankering for some wheat bicks.

Oh, yeah, I love the taste of fresh milk on my wheat bicks. Oh, no, I don't have any fresh milk on my wheat bicks. What? Yeah, I just eat them plain, out of the box. What are you talking about? That's because I use Palliseroo. Policeroo? Well, Police Suru is a new food delivery service from the Victorian Police Force.

Tell us more, Nina. You get new food combinations you've never thought of before, like wheat bicks with no milk, baked beans with no toast, and my favourite. Out-of-date pork sausage rolls without any sauce to hide their taste. It sounds great, Nina. How can we get this great new service? At the moment, Police Suru is only delivering to people in Melbourne's poorest public housing towers. But the way things are going, it'll be coming to you soon. I can't wait.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the chase of report. Now, Charles and Nina, we know that in America, eccentric billionaires with no political experience can get elected president. It happened in 2016 and maybe in 2020 or 2024 Kanye West. Yeezy himself will become president. And he announced he was going to do this in a tweet. But the question is, is he actually serious about doing this? Is this just another brain fart or is he going to run?

Well, it seems like he is actually running. And he announced this via a very long interview with Forbes. What were your reactions when you heard that Kanye might be president, Nina? What was your first take when you saw the tweet? Well, he already has Twitter, which is a great start for presidency. And I guess I wasn't surprised because isn't this like the 10th time he's announced he's running for president in 2024? Yeah, he does come out with it pretty regularly, much as Trump did before. Charles, are you excited?

You're a yay fan. But he's not running in 2020. He's running this year, isn't he? He doesn't know. The reality is he says, look, he says it may happen this year, it may happen in 2024. What he seems clear about is that it's going to happen. But he's on the ballot.

He's on the ballot in one of the states. He's running this year. He's trying to run this year. But look, look, I think when you go down and look at his four-hour-long interview, which Forbes has published all the notes, I'm sorry we can't hear the actual interview. It would be pretty interesting to play clips of, but he seems a bit unclear. For instance, let me give you an example. What party is he running as?

you might think would be a simple, simple question. He's going to be a Republican if Trump pulls out, knowing that Kanye wants the job, or if he can't, he'll run as the birthday party. Because if Kanye's president, it's everybody's birthday. That's what he says. I don't know if Kanye knows how birthdays work. I think you get one a year.

And everyone has a different one. You share it with just, you know, one 365, fifth of the population. Yeah, it's not. like horses. We don't all have the same birthday. To me, it feels like a joke that would work very well in a year six race to become school captain. But it's sort of like the joke, by the time you're about in year seven or year eight, it's not a very funny joke anymore. Don't you think? It's sort of, it's that level of humor. The birthday party could get a little bit old like by tomorrow.

Yeah. Okay, well, let me try the slogan that he's come up with on you. And you got to remember, make America great again was Trump. Yes, we can. was Obama. He's come up with something even simpler. He says the slogan is Kanye West, yes. And then he clarified it's not yep and it's not yeah. So Kanye West, yes. Are you on board? Look, I think this is actually a very shrewd move because it taps into what I can only assume are vast swathes of Americans who cannot handle three syllable sentences. Like, yes, we can. Was far too complex for huge swathes of the Americans. American population. Yes. Now that's, that's a slogan, at least half of the people would know that

would. But it's not, it's, it's not yes. It's, it's yes, but it's not yep and it's not yeah. Is that correct? Or is it? I'm hoping that's the full slogan. I'm not sure. I think it's just yes. But it might be yes. Well, it's more formal that way, Nana. He's running for president. Have some standards, Nina. You want some decorum in your slogan. So he's come that far. I just want to know. So the relationship with Trump was weird because he's, He was friends with Trump, but he now says he's taken off his red MAGA hat. He's not on board with that anymore. And apparently the reason he liked Trump so much, it wasn't anything particularly deep.

It was that he liked Trump hotels and particularly these saxophones in the lobby. Right. Is that a good reason to vote Trump, do you think? Yeah, like the saxophone, I assume they're the Russian saxophones that have been put there with bugs leading to the Kremlin. Yeah, they're just microphones. Yeah, they're just microphones. I think it makes more sense than the current reason people vote for Trump, which is mostly out of, you know, they're bigoted and quite racist and, you know, endorse all those views.

So it's quite nice that Kanye's taking an opposing stance and being like, oh, it's because of the saxophones in the foyer. I think that's true. And I think I like the fact that everyone laughed at him when he said he was going to run for president because I think, you know, having access to the nuclear bombs and everything, that's a laughing matter. I think the whole problem with America's decline is that, you know, we haven't seen, you know, President John Candy or Rodney Denguefield and things like that. And I think that's what's led to, we've had all these serious people as president.

And I think maybe, you know, having someone who's completely a joke, you know, has worked well with Trump and, you know, maybe Kanye West will be another one like that. Look, a lot of his policies are a little bit on the humorous side. For instance, the first person to endorse his candidacy other than Kim who just tweeted the American flag was Elon Musk who immediately said, yep, I'm on board, this is great. And Kanye has now revealed that he wants Elon Musk to run the US space program.

Now, how is that not a great idea? Well, won't he just take all the money and give it to himself? Because he's a psychopathic entrepreneur who just wants to make money? Like, it's a terrible idea. Doesn't he already run the space program anyway with SpaceX? I think he does.

That's what I was thinking. He also started a new initiative where he's selling booty shorts that say sexy on the back. And they're selling for $69.4.20. So I don't know if this guy's qualified to be part of the American government, to be honest. His policy, his foreign policy is a bit unclear. He says America first. He doesn't think about everything else. All he says is that he loves China and wants to.

include them in the NBA. Will that solve everything, all the current tensions, China being in the NBA? Yes, absolutely. I think it's like the one solution we haven't tried and I think that I think that Kanye's on to something with that. I say, yep, not yes, not yeah to the China and the NBA. He also wants to run the White House on the Wakanda model. So from the movie Black Panther, he's planning to run a White House like that, which I think

could work really well. I mean, they were very effective in Wakanda. Well, they had vibranium, didn't they? Which was a fictional substance that was very magical and did lots of things, didn't it? They were also on another planet, weren't they? Which I think that would be quite hard to run a country when you're on a completely different planet. Well, I mean, it can't be worse than it is now, Nina. The thing about Kanye is as much as there's lots of wackiness and joy,

it turns out that a lot of his policies are actually surprisingly like Donald Trump. In particular, they're very, very Christian. Kanye is pro-life because it says that in the Bible, a check that's like Trump. He wants to defund Planned Parenthood like Trump. He wants prayer in schools. And he's not a fan of Black History Month. This is all the same as Donald Trump. What do you make of this?

In fact, his running mate is a preacher from Wyoming called Michelle Tidball, who runs a thing called Abundant Ministry. So bizarrely enough, he sounds kind of like a far-right Republican. Canaan Charles? Does that give you any pause on the Kanye candidacy? Well, I think this is very shrewd because, you know, if you're a political strategist, you want to go, you know, you look at who is failing in the polls and is almost certainly going to lose the election in November. And then you copy his policies. So that's what Kanye's done. He's just stolen all the policies of the person who's going to lose. This is very canny stuff. I think it will definitely work.

It is a bit weird, and it's also strange that he is emulating Trump because, you know, Trump's policies seem to work so well with the polling at the moment. You know, I just, I'm excited for the day when he makes a law against Taylor Swift to say that none of her videos were as good as Beyonce's. That's what I'm excited for if he gets into the White House. Just for him to, like, stand at the White House podium and be like, I'm going to let you finish, but Taylor Swift sucks. That's day one.

It actually, it would make the whole journey worth it. wouldn't it, just for that law. I really hope if Trump does win a second term, that Kanye goes up for the inauguration, says, I'm going to let you finish, but I'm the president now. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. What are we having for dinner tonight, Nina?

Guys, I don't know. I'm so sick of having to use an app to choose between a variety of different restaurants and then going through their long and complicated menus to choose exactly what I feel like. I know what you mean. If only there was a simpler way to eat. Well, now there is.

Dom, introducing Policeru. Instead of having to choose what you want, with Policeru, you just get what you're given. At last. Sounds great. Yep. Feel like Chinese? Here's two kilograms of flour and a can of tuna. Feel like pasta? Well, here's a packet of 14 musli bars. Perhaps a soup, maybe, here. Have a weird pork sausage roll that's past its expiry date. I don't know, Nina. I'm still not convinced. Well, the great thing is, it doesn't matter what you think, because Policeru takes all the choice out of it. And if you live in a Melbourne public housing tower, you just have to suck it up. Oh, great. Police are who it is then? The Chaser report. News a few days after it happens. Hey, Naina and Dom, got some bad news, unfortunately. Longtime listeners will know that

Pauline Hanson is a bit of a regular on this show. We have a each week comment on, you know, various political things and everything. But, you know, we had no idea that a white supremacist who says that white people are racially superior to other people would turn out, get this, she's a racist, guys. She's a racist. Cancel her, cancel her right now. I know. Did anyone have any idea that she was a racist?

I mean, I did have a few moments where I thought she could possibly be a racist. Like when she said she was swapped by Asians and she made the One Nation. but you know you can never can tell like it was hard to tell if she was you know really meaning what she said and i know exactly and anyway that was like 1996 that she said you know that thing you know made and sweet about how australia was being swamped by Asians that like that was ages ago there was water under the bridge surely you know when she went to in 2015 to the reclaimed Australia rally um and in 2017 when she wore a burker into parliament to mock muslim Muslim women that was all that was like years ago we had no idea that

that that would actually then, you should turn out to, you know, be a racist. Yeah, look, this is, this is a huge shock to me. I mean, and it's such a strong term to use about someone, like just because they consistently advocate racial hatred and pick on people from minority groups. I mean, the news that that makes them racist, I feel, I feel so sorry for the producers at Channel 9 on the Today Show. I mean, if only they'd had a heads up from someone,

it couldn't, surely her campaign manager could have said, guys, Look, just so you know, Pauline's a racist, then they might have had a heads up. To be honest, I actually commend Channel 9 on having Pauline Hanson consistently because I believe in both sides being broadcast. So if you have people on that aren't racist, naturally you do have to have someone and that is very racist. You've got to balance it up, yeah. But I don't think they do have anyone who's not racist on those shows, do they? No, that's true. That's why they had to take Pauline off because they only had racist people and extremely racist people.

We've also had to take her off our show, which is going to leave a huge. gap in the show. I know our listeners were always very keen on hearing her wisdom. The great thing about Pauline was that any subject that you brought up, like the news of the date, I mean, there's a thing about housing towers. She could be there just a few hours later to give an ignorant racist comment about it. I mean, not everyone can do that. It's not like we can just replace her with Mark Latham or something. Well, that's right. You know, and there's things like, there were the issues that had nothing to do with race. Like, you know, when they were cutting down those trees in the park in Sydney. But she managed.

to find a way to link it to race. You know, like, they're just consistent, you know, ability to take any, any topic and link it to race. It's quite a gift, really. Anyway, so I've talked to the management, and we have come to a very strict decision about Paul and Hansen. We are no longer going to have her on our show as a regular anymore, okay? So we're just going to draw a line under this.

And we want to make it very clear, you know, especially to our advertisers. I can't state this clearly enough. Pauline Hanson and the Chaser report are over. It's not happening anymore. No regular appearances. Nothing. We're done with her. Can't be more clear than that.

Charles Charles. Until we reintroduce her a little bit later, just like we did with Carl. Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah. And I just want to thank all the people that spoke out against Pauline Hansen's appearance on this, you know, the most recent show that meant we had to ban her from our show.

And I just want to say, sorry for ignoring it. other time. Yeah, that's right. And look, and in fairness to her, we are going to allow her right of reply, of course, next week on the show. Channel 9, of course, did ban her because she said that the problem of the spread of COVID in Melbourne was that people who lived in Melbourne public housing were drug-a-addicts who couldn't speak English, right? So I thought we should just go out with, you know, some choice quotes from Pauline Hanson and have a look at how well she speaks English. I can leave my topic of conversation days about squat toilets. You're saying what? Yes. All this PC baguade out there.

Why I'm calling for the tapes to be released. Look, initially I had the offer of pro bono lawyer because it's so big. These people should be on the spot fine given to them. It's absolutely ridiculous. I love my BB and I like it cold in a cup of tea. I can't see that way. It'd be better. Yes. So the government can't rely on people to self-isolate themselves.

The Australian people look in us. Take it word for word what I said is that the deplorable anti-rise of racism, you know, racism towards the white society, plus also about protecting the Western civilisation and it's okay to be white. It's no hope of future. If this climate change is happening, it's not because man-made is causing it to happen. We've got Bono Volcano Raptree.

I'm starting to agree that maybe people who can't speak English shouldn't be in Australia after all. Yeah, especially if it's their first language. The Chaser Report, now with extra whispers. Hey, Nina and Dom, my housemate is Muslim. So I need to only have halal food in my house? What do you reckon I should eat tonight? Charles, thanks to Polisa Roo, you don't need to worry about that anymore.

What's Polisa Roo? Polisa Roo is the new food delivery service from the Victorian Police Force that delivers food to you if you live in public housing towers of Melbourne. Wow. So what am I getting tonight? Hmm. Well, let's see. Tonight, you're getting a can of pork chipilada sausages in bacon sauce, bake beans with bacon bits, and a whole pack of weird pork sausage rolls that are past their expiry date.

Great. Are any of them halal? They are if you don't eat them. Oh! Policearoo, join today. Do I have a choice? None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report.

That's the end of the show. Nina Ayama, fantastic to have you here. Are you going to come back next week? Oh, I sure hope so. I mean, I'm going to come back anyway, whether you like it or not. I'm going to find the Zoom call and I'm going to crash it again.

You're the Pauline Hanson, the Chase Report. Yeah. And anyway, so that's the end. Oh, wait, hang on. Hang on. We've got breaking news from Rebecca Day and Emuno in the Chaser Newsroom. New South Wales has reported a

in cases overnight. The government says that 7.5 million people have been tested positive for being smug bastards. Thanks, Beck. Now, check us out online at chaser.com.com. Find us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. And Nina Ayama, even TikTok. We're even there. You can't really find us at the moment because we're shadow band, but we're reaching out to people. We're going to fix that. Search for the Chose Report in your podcast app of choice. And remember to hit subscribe. We're also doing a couple of midweek update episodes on Mondays and Wednesdays, so make sure you download those. Thanks to our producer, Mike Liberali, and we're going to leave you with a promo for a podcast that I love from NPR in America. Check it out.

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