The Chaser Report - You Can't Have Your Italian Cake And Eat It Too

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

John drunkenly watched Albanese's 60 Minutes appearance on Sunday night, and he is not impressed by the report. Meanwhile Dom takes a look at the ADF's response to finally helping out with the floods. Plus Charles has a review of Australia's favourite Southern Australian capital city. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Tuesday the 15th of March. Dom Knight, Alex of Ulavlovich, Gabby Bolt, and the return of Charles Firth. Hello, Charles. Yay. Welcome back. Has it been avoiding the whole of the Sydney flood disaster chaos?

Has it been raining over there? I'm in Adelaide. He's been sucked in. I've just got a nice... dry, sort of sunny, you know, 28 degrees. Rude. Really, you know, sort of nice weather. So has it rained or something?

What's going on? Yeah, there's just been a bit of flooding. Oh, yeah, no, actually, I did hear about that. Scott Morrison announced a whole lot of disaster relief packages for all the marginal seats in Adelaide. Yeah, good for them. I mean, it hasn't rained, but, God, there's a lot of money to shovel out. Actually, it's a flood of money.

It hasn't rained, but it's been making it rain, you know? Raining car parks is week, three. But no, the big news yesterday, just on this, was that the New South Wales SES apparently had to ask three times for the ADF to be deployed after the biggest floods in Lismore history. So the ADF were just sort of sitting around. I thought they let the first two requests just slip by. Were they doing their hair?

What could they possibly have been doing rather than? I think it's just the principle. You know, you can't go out every single time everyone asks you to do anything for a natural disaster. You're setting a bad precedent. Yeah. And they would, I mean, they're military, right? They'd have maps on their wall. Yeah.

And they'd know where the marginal seats are. And they go, well, hang on, that's a safe seat. We can't go there. We can't help them. Yeah, and Alexa's right. Like, the history of response to natural disasters has been historically one of hit or miss. You know, look at Pompeii and Herculaneum. That's true.

Yeah, the local troops there in Pompeii were very slow. Like, they went, oh, we can't really fix this one. It's because no one had declared a natural disaster. That's what it was. You know what they should have said? Leesmore City Council should have said, we're flooded with immigrants, and then suddenly the government would have responded immediately. All of a sudden. Yeah, tanks.

Tanks. Yeah. So what we had was we had a large number of public servants who are trained in using, like, high-powered boats and helicopters sitting by. Apparently, Leesmore SCS had two boats. Oh. The actual SCS had two, and they're sitting by. So, I don't know, the Labor's big plan is to have a new force.

Like, of course, Labor wants to solve this by hiring a bunch of extra public servants. So instead of having the ADF, they want to bring in a new, like, civilian disaster recovery force. Well, because I tend to agree with that because I hate this idea that we deploy the military for civilian things. Like, I don't know, when I was at school, all the sort of people who are into military things were, like, the thugs and the fuckwits, right? You don't want to deploy them. You want to sort of have them off to one. So I agree with the idea of it should be done by. Also, the inverse is true, because I don't think the military guys enjoy that.

They've joined the job because they want to fuck shit up and kill people. I feel like you're torturing them as well. Yes. Yeah, won't someone think of the war criminals? Yeah, exactly. Because, you know, they'd be having to rescue puppies rather than twist their necks off, you know. Boring. Yeah.

Get to the real stuff. On today's show, John Delmenico is taking a look at Alba's 60 Minutes piece, having done Scamos. Why don't you make John do all these jobs, poor John? Well, I'm not doing them. Yeah, no, fuck this. Fuck working in this building. And Charles, you've got an Adelaide report for us.

Yeah, I'm going to talk about how great Adelaide is. So there'll be no sarcasm in that. I can't sense any. First, though, let's go to Rebecca Dana Minow in the Chastain Newsroom. Anthony Albanese's appearance on 60 Minutes, with Carl Stefanovic has been hailed by Channel 9 as their most diverse interview ever, with not one but two non-Anglo-Saxon white men. Though audiences have applauded Channel 9 for their bravery in diversity,

audiences have been left confused as to why Carl Stefanovic was interviewing a completely unknown person. The government has announced a new model for providing flood relief, stating that they will now run on a $1 for every vote, design. The Liberal Party have responded to claims that this is blatant corruption by saying this is actually the most honest and transparent vote-buying method they've ever used. Finally, Kim Kardashian has empowered her young fans by saying that all women need to do to be successful is work harder at abusing their underpaid staff. The famous for being famous celebrity has inspired women by remarking that they don't work as hard anymore.

and that if they want to make it in this world, they should put in more effort to be born into a rich family. That's the latest news from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. Now, a few weeks ago, we subjected John Domenico to the Carl Saffinovic, Scott Morrison interview, and bravely he's agreed to do the sequel with Alba. John, why did you say yes to this?

I have no idea, to be honest. I realised I made a massive mistake. When I saw the promo photo they put out of Albo and Carl Stefanovic together having a beer at a pub. And I realized that in my head, I was like, oh, a Channel 9 executive probably thinks this is the most diverse a show has ever been. Because obviously Carl Stefanovic was famously said that he is the person of color at Channel 9. Oh, yes, they're both diverse, aren't they? They both claim that they're diverse. So then I realize that someone with an Italian last name, I'm not going to enjoy this interview.

My first thing that annoyed me is Carl has a very interesting. interesting way to pronounce Anthony Albanese's name. Opposition leader Anthony Albanese was Albinase. Albinese. I think Anthony Albanese is here. But Anthony Albanese has found new love. Why is he pronouncing it?

Like a white dad pronounces Parmesan cheese in a restaurant. It's all, it's confusing. It's not even like the pretend Italian, like Arbenese. You know, like he's not even leaning into the ethnic thing. He's just being strange. It's also like, Albo has explained how he's been told that the name is pronounced in Italian.

And it's also not that either. He said it's Albanesey still. Yeah, Albinay Z. So he's, so it's just Carl pretending, like really putting on what he thinks Italian would be. He's cultured. He's trying. He's trying. A lot of people don't try.

But if you guys were had to, like after that clip, have any of you had to pick a, have any of you seen the interview? No. No, no. No, I knew you were going to watch it. No. After the last 60 minutes situation, I was like, I'm never. touch in that show with a 10-foot pole. So if you had to guess an intro song to use for Albo, what would it be?

Nice Tarantua. That's a morning. I reckon it's going to be like Australian. It's going to be like working class man. All right. So can we get the second clip? So the real Albo emerges from the shadows. Yes.

Yes. Stop it. You're right. You're right. I'm going to figure a pizza pie. That's, oh my God. It's fucking Popper Giuseppe's in the house. Gabi, you are 100% right.

I'm also 100% racist. What the fuck? You should get a job at 60 minutes. Oh, my God. I don't think I could last 60 minutes in that building. I just, I was, I want to make it clear. I was joking. I was just joking with Alexis joke.

Can we go back to the start of this segment? It's John. I was texting our producer Lachlan at the time that it was on. And at the moment that it's, that that song started playing, I texted him, no, fuck off. And he responded with, are you fucking kidding me? Because we both sent the text about the same time. Because we like, I lost it as soon as it happened.

At that point, I realized anti-Italian discrimination doesn't happen enough. Like, because neither, also both, they also explain in the interview later on. that Albo he's Italian the Italian heritage and his dad's other family he didn't know

his dad until 2014 he hadn't been to Italy either so this whole like new push about him having this huge Italian culture just isn't true he grew up in Sydney and had no connection

to Italian culture until he was in his 40s until he started running for Prime Minister but he has been the MP for Leichhard for a very long time Oh yeah well obviously

this is a big opportunity Scott Morrison showed a little bit too much of his personality but we've got to see something fun with Albo and a new different thing for Albo that Labour Hardy has not used before. The real Albo.

Some good old-fashioned mates are cutting through the political spin to give their verdict on the new Albo. You'd almost need glasses to recognise the Albo 2.0. To understand the real Albo. So the real Albo, brand new idea from Labour. So they've reigned very.

invented Albo with a fresh concept, which is an old concept that failed with Julia Gillard. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, so they've stolen the Julia Gillard idea of being the new Albo or the new Julia, the Julia two, but I know, but the main difference is Albo is obviously a man and Julia obviously had policies. So it's a new take for Labor. Why can't they just come out and say it? Thin Albo. He's thin Albo now. That's what, he's buff Albo. He's gone back to the Albo's on the wall of Magill Metro. I keep saying let's do Anil would win them the year. A clip that we heard before, Carl asks what does his friends think.

So, so let's hear what his friends think of him now. Some good old-fashioned mates are cutting through the political spin to give their verdict on the new elbow. Yeah. Oh, he won't say he's got boring. The elbow's got boring, is that right? Yes, that's what he's friends. At his birthday lunch, which is at a cafe that they invited Carl to.

and his friends are joking that he's gotten boring. I mean, and this is relative to the former elbow. I mean, Charles, you've known these sorts of people for a very long time. Did people ever accuse Albo of being excessively interesting in the past? No, he was, no. He was the guy, if you wanted to talk about fast trains, he'd talk your head off, right? That was his thing. I see what he was.

This is true, like, because he used to be my babysitter when I was growing up. What? And, yeah, yeah. We haven't talked about that. This is a whole segment we should have, by the way. So when you eat a good spaghetti, you're just like, just like Albo used to make. No, no. I think it's true to say that, you know, the last 25 years, he's been incredibly boring.

Well, Charles, you alluded to the idea that New Albo is more of a different type of transformation than having a personality. So let's hear how Carl, with the help of Labor's backup team, explain the new elbow. What do you think of his makeover? Well, I think it's fantastic. Maybe that's the casualty. when you drop a massive 18 kilos. It's been a carefully crafted makeover. The dramatic weight loss, new specs, new suits.

It's all very, well, prime ministerial. This is the mother of all, as the kids say, glow-ups. It looks terrific. 59, just a couple of days ago. And there is no denying, Albo looks a million bucks. But it comes at a cost. you can't have your Italian cake and eat it too

you know he look he can't touch I can't I can't just climb with me That is the laziest Italian rooms I've ever heard You can't have your Italian cake

Not like Patatoni or anything Yeah, tiramissue The best part was he wasn't even eating a cake He was eating a pastry And so he just said Italian cake because they couldn't think We'll have to see how these sorts of transformations actually cut through though

So we have a power where Alba got to speak to the public. What he's rediscovering is the reality of campaigning. It brings out the good, the bad and the blunt. What do you think of the election coming up? I'm right here. No comment. People are brutal, aren't they, on the road? What's wrong with Alba?

You're looking good, yeah. Thank you. We lost white, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. Good on, yeah. Brutal, brutal, savage.

Oh, well, they were never going to go for Albo. They're clearly old. I mean, my other question is, why is Carl talking like this as though, is he trying to make it sound more exciting than it is? Carl, it's got a lot of work to do. Genuinely, like, at least, because there is a very clear one that Carl is trying to get a similar interview to what he got with Scott Morrison, where Scott Morrison's team put forward personality points about Scott Morrison and then play with them.

but every time during the interview Albo tries to have any sort of like conversation about his personality Alo would be like ha ha ha no and then start talking about whatever like point he had clearly thought of beforehand yeah do you know why that that is John why because his team would have watched

the Scott Morrison interview and gone as long as our guy doesn't fucking play April Sunday in Cuba on the ukulele we've won this thing he did bring up the ukulele thing as one point it's like why he's not playing along but um there is he's not playing along but um

there is He also constantly in the interview and also in other media stuff recently referred to himself as like the new hawkey. No. So there was a question from Carl as to what that entirely means. Do you share any vices with Bob Walker?

No, I'm a pretty straightforward bloke and I've never had a cigarette in my life. I've had the odd beer or two or three or four. It must be said. It must be said. It must be. So I love the idea

Then Albo's mind What made Hockey legendary Was having the amount of beer That a focus group would say to have While being respectable and not getting drunk Yeah, four's a good number It's like You're a bit of a fun guy

But you know, you're not wild I mean I drank more during that segment Than I'm watching that 20 minute interview Then I then he apparently has had Any day in his life But surely if we can all agree That if Albo gets out on camera And just slams a yard glass hockey style

He's won the election. Yeah. That and his let's do anal, which should have been used. I'm so strong on that. He should have said that in the Women's Day interview with that photo shoot. Brilliant. That would have gone down the best. So which of the two pieces did you think worked better?

And who would you vote for based on purely the weird Carl profiles? Well, weirdly, I think the Carl profiles are sort of good balanced journalism in that a way. Hang on a second. Can you just say that again? No, in that, like, they're balanced in sort of the way that, like, the ABC claims things are balanced. Like, I watched both interviews, and I hated both of the people more. So I don't know who came out on top. I don't know who came out on top, but I think the real loser is me for watching both.

Yeah. I think it came out on top was 60 Minutes, because they've done something amazing in this episode. I don't know where they found a 60-minute long cut of Dean Martins, that's the more. Like, that doesn't exist anywhere. and they somehow dug it up. It's a lube. But also, I mean... I know what?

That's a moray. I got to tell you. That is also a pun that Carl made throughout. Stop it! Am I called Stefanov? Albo is a moray. I might be cast of aphanovic. I think if you're trying to be as racially as insensitive as possible,

you somehow parody what Carl actually is Gabby. Right. Great. Which I think is obviously the main takeaway from... It's a pizza good journalism. Oh. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report Should legally be considered medical advice

The Chaser Report Now guys, I'm currently in Adelaide We know Yeah, we know You can buy tickets to my show all week It's called Spin We're here till the 20th You know, for anyone who is listening from Adelaide

I just want to say Adelaide is a great city It is a great city And you should buy tickets to my show But no no no There are some really good things about it. It's very flat. That's very good.

And it's got e- scooters, Gabby, did you use e- scooters when you were down here? Yes. Yeah, you're just revealing you're not listening to the podcast, Charles, because let's just say there's been a little bit of a dispute between Gabby and the e-scooter authorities. Whether Gabby should actually be allowed to use the e-skirts, hasn't there, Gabby? I've been told to stop.

I still have bruising all over my lower half of my body, because I stacked it, really. I found the one hill in Adelaide. and went too fast down it. And then I accidentally pressed accelerate instead of break. Great story. But the e- scooters, they limit how fast you can go. Not the one I was on.

Well, it doesn't really matter how fast you're going when your front wheel goes over a curve, does it? At that point, you're fucked. I mean, you can imagine that the designers, they were thinking, we're not going to have any hills to contend with. Anyway, point is, and Gabby can attest to this, but it's even worse this week, right? Yes.

Basically, every single person in the world, is in Adelaide at the moment. They've got three things going on. They've got Adelaide Fringe. They've got WOMAD. Yes. And they've got Writers Week, right? Yeah, fuck.

So there are literally about a billion people on the street. I was out last night and at least a billion, maybe two billion. Like, I'm not a, you know, numbers. Busy week. But it is like literally, I have seen those pictures of Mecca, you know, where they're doing the Hajj, during the Hajj. This is the chattering classes version of that. This is their hodge, right?

It's just absolutely packed well into the night, right? So even though there are a billion people in Adelaide and these are scheduled events. This isn't like, you know, oh, they've all just turned up in Adelaide because they like Adelaide, right? You know, because all the events have been, you know, scheduled for months.

Yeah, they put them all. Adelaide, basically, the deal they've made with the universe is to have like two really good weeks. Yeah, that's right. And they are really great weeks. They are great weeks I've been. I love it. Let me tell you, right.

So there's a billion people here, right? And all the restaurants still close at 9pm. Yeah. You literally, and my show ends at 9pm. So I go out, there's a billion people about. And every restaurant is going, oh no, sorry, mate. We're just closed. The kitchen's closed.

Kitchen's closed. Didn't expect so many people here in the two weeks of the year that we have people here. And, you know, and you just go, you wouldn't want to say, change your hours just for the, you know, two weeks that people are here. Anyway, last night, last night, I finally find a Japanese restaurant that is open, right? I go, oh, thank God, I'll be able to eat tonight. Yeah. And we walk in, oh, yeah, yeah, it's open, sit down, you know, here's the menu, blah, blah, blah.

And then I say, I go, I'll have some sushi or whatever. And they go, oh, no, no, we've run out of food. We don't have any food. we've only got drinks Right And you're just going So not only did they not open The one place that does open

Just oh we didn't expect So many people to order food At our restaurant Like what the fuck? You could be more practical There are lots of drinks out there That double as food Like Bloody Mary

You could have Guinness Yep Sex and Beach Alex This has been my approach But Charles I was there two years ago

For Writers Week I want to maybe it was three No three years ago For Writers' Week And I had the exact same experience. I went looking for food at about 10 to 9. The first 10 places I went to were closed. And I went to a Japanese restaurant.

It must be showing there's only one in the whole of Adelaide. It must be the same one. And they said you've got five minutes until the last order. And I think I got like a steak or something. Like something, it wasn't very Japanese. You guys know that Adelaide have Uber Eats, right? Not after night. It doesn't.

Yeah, it does. No, no, but Gabby, Gabby, Gabby, Gabby. There's only one Uber driver for the entire system. I will say, they did often say, we can't get it to you. Yeah, the funny thing is, so I wanted to go to Mount Lofty yesterday, right, during the day. And that's literally a 20-minute walk. Like, I was being lazy trying to get an Uber ride. And so it would have been like a $10 cab ride or Uber ride because they've only got one Uber driver.

The surge pricing meant that it was a $100 one-way trip. Oh, for like literally a 10-minute walk. Hang on a second. Is Mount Lofty in the direction of out of Adelaide? Because that would make the title sense. That explains. You're saying you went to Adelaide to do a comedy show for, well, like a couple of thousand bucks. When you could have gone to Adelaide to be an Uber driver and made millions.

Our gears from road microphones were part of the ACAST credit network. Charles, how long are you there till? Till the 20th of March. So buy tickets to spin. Woo! And then we'll be on the road. So if you go to chaser.com.com.com slash spin, you can book tickets in all major cities except for Perth.

And Gabby's also performing in next little while. The difference between her show and Charles's is that Gabby's has won awards. But it's not awkward or anything. It's not a real award. Let's talk about that on the podcast. It's not a real award. It didn't give me any money. It's just a fun little plaque, I guess to put on stuff.

She was just in the own best show in the Adelaide Festival, Charles. I get bragging. Your show is in the Adelaide Comedy Festival too, right? Oh well These things happen Hey yours is playing to a much bigger audience than mine And you know what? It's the size that matters Like much more people dislike it

Oh Oh Yeah