The Chaser Report - You, Me, and Asbestos Makes Three

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

Do you enjoy your city, but wish it had more asbestos like Sydney? Well lucky for you, today Dom and Charles will give you all the asbestos you'll need for a (shortened) lifetime of fun. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, good morning. I want to talk about asbestos today. This has made the New York Times. It's made the world news. It nearly cancelled the most important thing in the history of Australia,

which is Taylor Swift's series of concerts at Accor Stadium next weekend. I'm talking, of course, about asbestos. Yes. Well, I mean, asbestos is the most Sydney thing you can get, isn't it? It is. It's the Sydneyest thing of all. I know you're in Adelaide doing Wankanomics, but the suburb where we live, Charles, in the city of Sydney, is absolutely covered. Every park is sort of taped off like there's murders that have happened.

Every sort of flower bed in the very leafy streets around the area where we live. They're all taped off. It's amazing. It's as though any foliage is toxic. I know, but I don't know whether you've noticed, Dom, but the fences that they're using to prevent. you from getting into the flower beds and sniffing up that asbestos and getting a nice little rush, presumably to stop the kids from doing that as well. But they all have signs on the, I don't know whether you've noticed, they've got the ones

warning asbestos, right? Then on every alternate fence, they have proudly made in Australia. Yeah, I think they put that on the gravestones as well. If you die of asbestosis, proudly produced in Australia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This death proudly made in Australia So we'll get into the asbestos But before we do Charles

There's some breaking news And it is hyper local But I think that's okay Because we're from Sydney So very self-indulgent The headline that I saw this morning Was a porto to close Thanks to the ATO

What? I know A porto So close to all the heart I thought Everywhere had a porto Well I then looked at the news article In more detail

And it's the one in Darling Harbour And the one in Enmore the one that we always have gone to for many, many years late at night. So are they saying their tax cheats or was it just an innocent era? It was just a misunderstanding about whether they needed to pay the ATO half a million dollars. You know how these things have come up in a small business? Yeah, yeah. No, it happens all the time.

Sort of, oh, I didn't carry the one. And in fact, it's only the Newtown, Enmore one, because the one in Harbyside at Darling Hub, which I also went to a few times. That's been closed for a year because they've demolished the entire thing to build a brand new fancy pants shopping center departments but the apporto of our heart has gone i know exactly what happened which is apporto was paying its full tax you know it was paying the whole amount of tax and then when it started you know so it just when it was a chicken shop back in in uh you know

in the way that one location in m more and then as they started to expand they started paying a thinner and thinner amount of tax and just skimping on all the fucking ingredients in their tax bill and you ended up like that shrinkflation it's cool yeah shrink flage if you if you know anything about the history

of a poro you would know that 25 years ago Apoto burgers actually were good and now they're shit and you're now got to order a double to get what you're going to order a double to get the same chicken as you would have got 25 years yet we sound like old middle-aged men, don't know him.

Yeah, let's play an ad and then get on with the asbestos. But it's still sad, because the one in Broadway, I already shut down, just because it was full of rats. Do you remember that? Rats, remember that? It went viral because there was so many rats. And for me, all it was a reminder of is, oh, yeah, I love that, Aporto.

I should go there. Who can blame the rats, a very nice burgers? Yeah, exactly. Like, if anything, that was, like, social proof that Aporto's burgers were good back then. So the asbestos is absolutely everywhere at the moment. And I want to give some context to this, Charles, because do you know who the world's largest producer of asbestos is? Apparently, this may have been made in Australia, as you say.

The country that's out there pumping out asbestos 24-7 in massive numbers. I think it's India, isn't it? It's Russia. It's Russia. So this is Putin's treating this as the slow Novichok. He's trying to Nelvani all of us. 20 years it takes. And I've got to say, the way the planet's going,

I don't think we've got 20 years. I think we can go and play in the asbestos park, which is why I'm so glad that they just put one little strip of crime scene tape around them all so that my toddler could just wander in there. No problem. I don't quite understand what's happened. So it's a sort of mulch, like all gardens need mulch, right? And when you buy mulch, you sort of assume that it's, you know, chopped up leaves and grass.

Yeah, as opposed to chopped up asbestos. Look, it's quite easy misunderstanding. So how did they, did somebody go, oh, fuck. I've got a whole lot of asbestos to get rid of. I know what it'll do. I'll put it in the garden mulch. I'll put it in the mulchre. Yeah, I'll put it in the mulcher.

Which, you know, crunches everything up and thereby releases the delicious as best as some dust, which is so poisonous. And the guy who runs the firm that sold this mulch to everyone, he's had a string of allegations against him dating back decades, doesn't he? Like, there was a report about all the sort of, you know, things that, like, like, you know, like, He was deregistered about 10 years ago. I don't know whether you can be registered as a licensed garden mulch provider. So it's green life resource recovery as a company. I don't know the history of it. But I do know that they were banned from selling any mulch while they investigated.

And I do know that they went to court to fight the bad. Let us sell our mulch. Like it's all over city. There are schools closing left, right and center. I think kids are actually out there putting mulch at their schools in the hope that they'll get shut down. In the hope of... Look, I'll tell you. what, Dom, like, I'm worried about the kids. Of course I worry about the kids. You've always

got to worry about the kids, but I also worry about the adults. Oh, really? Yeah, because, you know, if kids can't play in the gardens, what are the adults going to do? You're going to have them tearing up your household. That's so true. I mean, the weekend before this all happened, I took my kids to three parks, all of which now have this whole mulch issue going on now. I don't think I'll be alive in 20 years to find out whether they've got asbestosis the way my health's going, but nevertheless, This is a human right that parents have is to dump kids at parks. And so I've just gone... Largely unsupervised.

Exactly. To just roam freely in the mulch and the asbestos. But Charles, I must say, I've always said, I've always said no to garden beds and flowers and all these things. I've been telling my wife for years on Valentine's Day, look, don't, I'm not going to get you flowers. They might have asbestos in them. They might have asbestos. Finally, I'm vindicated. But I'll tell you what I'm worried about.

What are you worried about? What are you worried about? What else has the... spestos got into because asbestos is basically a white powder isn't sure my concern is that the asbestos has got in to sydney's supply of cocaine and and look i i'm i'm prepared to take one for the team dom oh really if anyone's got any cocaine that they they want tested and they want uh verified whether it's got asbestos or not please do send them to me and uh and i'll um i'll do a rigorous check of that substance.

Very generous of you to do that for public. I'm putting my life on the line. Yeah, you are. You are. And it's a life we can afford to lose, frankly. Yeah, yeah, exactly. If there is asbestos in it. How will you be able to tell?

I must say. Well, my method is very clear, right? I take the, all of it. I just to... Right. Because it is very moorish. Sure. Asbestos is very...

I mean, that's why Australia was addicted to asbestos for so long. It's very moorish. Yeah. But then wait 20 years, if I die of asbestosis, then there was cocaine in the asbestos. You just said there was cocaine in the asbestos. Yes, yes, that's right. Because the is the main thing you cut it with. Well, Charles, I think we've got to look at the bright side of all of this.

Yes, okay, there's asbestos in all the parks where we, our kids play, where they hang out and they could get a terrible disease. But as against that, Charles, asbestos is wonderfully fireproof. There's no way these garden beds are catching on fire. And so I say if there's more mulch from this company We should hire them to produce mulch That actively contains asbestos And just spray it from planes over our national parks You'd have no more bushfires

We'd be completely safe You wouldn't be able to visit the bushfires Which would mean no one would make me try to go bushwalking That would be a plus And eventually in millions of years The asbestos would presumably break down And in the meantime Nothing could catch on fire

It's perfect I think that's an idea Don't It is it's an idea whose time has come The other thing is Think of the adventure tourism opportunities Right? If you're wanting thrill seekers, it's so hard to get a rush these days.

But, you know, coming to Sydney to go to a flower bed. Go to a flower bed. Boring, as of two weeks ago. Now you're taking, it's like bungee jumping for your nose. I reckon Red Bull. Red Bull will sponsor it. Red Bull will definitely sponsor it. Yeah.

It could be amazing. Watch as this kid visits a Sydney park. Will the flowers kill them in 20 years time, a slow and horrible death? And we shouldn't minimize it asbestos. No, no. It's horrible. It's absolutely horrible. But that said, just I've got one more idea, which is, this is really a return to the 1980s, Don, isn't it?

Oh, of course. You know, I don't know about you, but I grew up in a, you know, weatherborn house. Oh, in fibro? Yeah, in fibro. Are you a fibro? Are you a fibro? You're not one of those silver towers. You're a fibro. Yeah, yeah.

We were fibro. Well, we were fibro, and then I think at some point, a relative died, we inherited some money, and we got double brick. And it was all, like, that was what the inheritance was used. to make our fibro house brick. Not a bad idea. It's what the building industry did over the next few decades. But the thing is that when they were taking all the weatherboard out from the house, I was there watching the builders, you know, trying to help them and stuff.

Cut it all up without masks. And it was just like, oh, dusty white stuff. Yeah, just put it in the back. Yeah, it'll be fun. Yeah, yeah. No, but the thing is back then, the other thing that we had that was wonderfully dangerous, but also a huge amount of fun, but also caused fire, was fireworks, right?

So I think if we're bringing back asbestos for kids, I think we should also bring back fireworks because they're not going to catch on fire. No. Because they've got all the asbestos, they're dusted in asbestos. And then we can have the fun. It was so much fun, Dom.

It was. They were more fun days. Let's think back on those days while we listen to this. The Chaser Report, less news, more often. I couldn't agree more. I think we just have to live with asbestos again

and think of the benefits. I mean, you know, I mentioned Putin and the slow Novichok. Imagine if Progosion, the guy that ran the mercenaries and the Wagner group, if his plane had been made out of asbestos, Putin couldn't have blown it up. He'd still be alive. It's all swings and roundabouts, really, with the spires does, isn't it? There's a lot of upside with it.

You might die slowly horribly, but you won't catch on fire. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. But also I was thinking so one of the sad things about all this, these parks being closed, is that the Mardi Gras Fair Day, the traditional opener of Mardi Gras, What's going to happen with that? Because it's usually down near us, isn't it?

Yeah, Victoria Park near Sydney University. It's just been cancelled. It's really sad. It's a huge day for the community. There's thousands of people come out. There's stalls and all this kind of stuff. And it just makes me think back, Charles, to the heyday of the Reverend Fred Nile, who every single year would go out and pray for rain or Mardi Gras.

Parade Night, he'd be out there with two or three followers, no more than that, praying for the Mardi Gras to be ruined. And it was always an absolute scorcher of a day. And it just goes to show you've got to pray for the right thing. If he'd prayed for asbestos at Fair Day, who would have been great? It's decades later, Fred. He must be happy.

Well, I think a lot of people who go to Mardi Gras pray for a white powder on Fair Day. Slees ball? Their prayers have been answered in some respect. So what are people in Sydney going to do? I mean, surely we need to shut down the Taylor Swift concert. Surely they can't go here. Well, unfortunately, Charles, they've done the tests already. If the kids can't go to the park, then they can't go to Taylor Swift.

And that's what I've been telling you my daughter. I've been telling you that the EPA, the Environmental Protection Authority's closed down, Taylor. I don't know what she's going to do when all of her friends go, but for now I'm safe. But no, they went and tested the first, the only thing they cared about, they went and tested all the sites at Homebush. And the great thing, Charles, for those who haven't been to the Olympic Stadium in Sydney, is that they are so visionary in the design of it, there's no grass. There's no grass, perfect. It's a concrete bowl, basically. Well, it's also a giant asphalt car park.

No, but I don't know whether you remember. It was built on top of a toxic waste dump, remember? On top of asbestos, in other words. Homebush tip. Well, no, it was like toxins and stuff like that. It was like dioxins and shit. Yeah, yeah. And they realized actually there's no way we can get all the toxins out.

Yeah. So they just concreted over. Concreted in. just conquer the whole thing and get Taylor Swift to come and sing our little pretty songs on top and everyone forgets about it. So you know, in the lead up to the Olympics, they had a problem in Honebush Bay, which was that it was still quite smelly. Oh, okay.

Do you remember this? No, no. I can believe you. There are a whole heap of new developments that were built as the Olympic village, including suburbs like roads. And Newington, the hilariously named Newington. But the thing is they stank, because essentially it was built on top of a tip. And so the solution, and this is true, I don't know whether it still happens today, but for years afterwards as well, every afternoon as the breeze came in off the harbour and the stench sort of rolled across the suburbs, they would spray filtered water where, you know, like into the harbour, like this fine mist to sort of try and neutralise the smell as it came off the harbour.

What a good idea. Yeah, so that's what we need. We need an asbestos version of that. We just need a little ant spray. Yeah, because what's the solution going to be here for the spestas? It's going to be, oh, let's dig up every single fucking flower bed in Sydney. It's not going to happen. What we need is, I don't know, some sort of, yeah, in every, well, yeah.

We just had some of the biggest storms in the history of Sydney yesterday. So it's probably all been washed out to sea. It's all been washed out to sea. The dolphins can deal with it. The dolphins can deal with it. It's their problem, you can go into the food chain. That's what you want the isbestos. Fantastic.

Are you going to Taylor finally, Charles? You're coming back for the gigs on the weekend? I've actually been on the ticket website, not because I particularly want to go, just because I want to, A, contribute to the delays and B, just see how long it takes. It's amazing. You've got to have a web browser open for about three hours and then be there for exactly the 10 minutes where there's a window to click on something that shows you're still interested, and I haven't managed to master that level of interest yet. Right.

No, I mean, I've bought about 10 tickets, but I'm just not going to go. As a silent protest Taylor looks out and just sees 10 empty seats The only empty seats To the old stadium She's sitting somewhere out there She got 96,000 Exactly

Yeah yeah yeah All the three MCG concerts Well that's not going to happen in Sydney It'll be 95,990 I just hope she gets to visit some I mean she's got several days Until the gig started I just hope she gets to visit

Some lovely parks in Sydney during the time I'll tell you what If she makes a surprise visit at Mardi Gras, that would be the best thing in the universe. Imagine that. That would be part of the plot just to re-elect Joe Biden, wouldn't it? They're getting on board with Mardi Gras?

All right. Well, enjoy Adelaide, Charles, and we'll try and keep some lovely asbestos for you when you get back. Yeah, because there's none here. I mean, what is this fucking place? What a dump. Perhaps that's where we can send cities as bestest. If we put it in barrels, they'll know what to do.

Yeah, they'll take it. Our gears from Rob. We are part of the Oconicloss Network. Catch you tomorrow. Thank you.