The Chris Cuomo Project - Cuomo On The Couch: Amor Fati, “Love All That Happens” (Bonus Episode)

Episode Date: September 29, 2022

In a candid, unfiltered talk from his living room couch, Chris Cuomo explores the Stoic concept of amor fati (“love all that happens”), the importance of embracing and learning from failure, and how to control the process behind one’s ability to change.  Follow and subscribe to The Chris Cuomo Project on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube for new episodes every Tuesday. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Cuomo on the Couch, formerly Couch Confession. You know what? I liked it because it was alliterative, but I got a great tip. And by the way, proof of concept about this being a project, a collaboration. One of you guys reached out and said, I don't like Couch Confession. It makes it sound like you're saying something that's confessed, meaning that it's bad. Good point. You're right. Let's change the name because that's the opposite of why I'm doing this. The whole point is what I'm going to talk to you about that is true and real in my own life may be embarrassing, may be damaging, may change how you think or feel about me or aspects of my life or

my past. But it's not a confession because you are not my confessor. Other people are not the measure. Now, one little proviso. That's a little bit less true for me, right? Because I put myself into the public space and I am asking to be judged. For you, there is a greater truth. And I'm going to explain it to you in a second. But first, please subscribe. Please spread the word for people to subscribe so I can keep doing this. And I want you to think about buying free agent merch. I want to get a kitty of money together that we can then start giving to people.

And I've already figured out the first donation we're going to make. I want to get ideas from you guys, but I got to get more money first. So this money is just going to come out of my pocket. And you will find out who we're giving it to in an upcoming episode. Now, here's what I'm going to tell you today. I know for a fact how you can absolutely get to a better place no matter what the goal. And this is not some bullshit little idea. Like, try hard. No, effort matters. It's one of the few things you control. But the bigger

truth is this. You're not in the TV business, okay? You're not in the business of having people like your face and your voice and find some value in you. That's my gig. You are the only judge of yourself that matters. Now let's think about that. You don't wanna be blind to observations and comments and adjustments and criticisms from the people that you care about. Of course, of course you wanna listen. But at the end of the day,

the only thing that is true is what you decide is true. Now, I'm not saying two plus two equals five. And I'm not saying that Trump won the last election. That's bullshit. It's demonstrably false. And there is no proof of his allegation, not meaningfully, not that could be taken anywhere other than to cable television or the internet, social media. What I'm saying is how you feel about you, how you feel about what is enough, how you feel about how you look and how you act and how you work and how you love is about how you feel about it. That is the measure. Now, this is easy to say it is hard to do. We are susceptible to groupthink, to standards, cultural cachet, different norms, different mores. And yet at the end of the day,

the truth is like the expression, to thine own self be true. Billy Joel's song, in the morning, we still wake up with ourselves. You have to be here for you. You have to buy into you. Now, this is a fundamental underpinning of what I've learned about change. You have to be the determining factor. You have to be the judge. You have to make the difference about what is enough and when you are where you need to be and how you need to be. Only you. You cannot get it externally. That is a mistake.

It must be internal. Okay? Support for the Chris Cuomo Project comes from PrizePix. I got to tell you, there's a reason PrizePix is America's number one fantasy sports app. Three million members. Why? Easy. Plenty of action if you're into DFS.

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Again, go to prizepix.com slash CCP and use code CCP for a first deposit match up to $100. PrizePix. Pick more, pick less. It's that easy. We don't fake the funk here, and here's the real talk. Over 40 years of age, 52% of us experience some kind of ED between the ages of 40 and 70. I know it's taboo, it's embarrassing, but it shouldn't be. Thankfully, we now have HIMS, and it's changing the vibe by providing affordable access to ED treatment, and it's all online. HIMS is changing men's health care. Why?

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So if ED is getting you down, it's time to pick it up. Start your free online visit today at HIMS.com slash CCP. H-I-M-S dot com slash C-C-P. H-I-M-S dot com slash C-C-P. And you will get personalized ED treatment options. HIMS dot com slash C-C-P. Prescriptions, you need an online consultation with a healthcare provider, and they will determine if appropriate. Restrictions apply. You see the website, you'll get details and important safety information. You're going to need a subscription. It's required. Plus, price is going to vary based on product and subscription plan. Now, everything is what you think leads us to this idea. The Stoics called it amor fati, love all that happens. That means not that when you trip and fall, you're like, yes. No, it's that you must see that everything that happens is an opportunity. Okay. Somebody screws you over.

Somebody is a bad friend. Now, you know, now you proceed differently with that person. You proceed differently yourself because you know what it feels to experience that kind of perfidy, that kind of disloyalty or breach. Good things happen. It's actually harder. It's actually harder to learn from the good things. There's a relief. You move on. You don't absorb it the way you do when something bad happens. But that is the time that you have to dig in and think. Amor fati. You have to love it all. You have to see a purpose and a value to everything that happens. And I'm telling you, you will learn more from the vagaries, from the troubles, from the failures. I'm gonna skip ahead.

I haven't even given you the secret yet. FAIL to me is an acronym, F-A-I-L. First or frequent, you can go either way. First attempts increase longevity. Now, what that means to me is you're gonna screw up, you're gonna fail, you're to fall short all the time. The first word I would use to describe myself as flawed. I act selfishly. I make mistakes. I can be angry. Why? Because I'm weak. Because I'm flawed. And it happens all the time. It doesn't

matter how hard I try for it not to happen. It's going to happen. And I have to accept that and I have to learn from it. Not that it's okay, but it's going to happen and I have to use it. Frequent attempts increase longevity means the more reps that you take, the more you try, the more often you act and assess and do again, the better things are going to happen. The more longevity, the more of a life cycle, the more of a reach, the more of a duration you're going to have in getting better. And that is the secret that I have for you today. The only thing that we have at the end of the day is what we control. This is another big aspect of stoicism. What do you control? It has two values. One, we worry about things. What's that siren? Is it coming here? Is it for us? Is it for me?

That's anxiety. I don't know, but did I do something wrong? Does she not likeiren? Is it coming here? Is it for us? Is it for me? That's anxiety. I don't know, but did I do something wrong? Does she not like me? Is that why she didn't call me back? Is he angry at me? Is that why it's only one word reply in the text? Did I do enough? If I don't control those reactions, why am I obsessing over them? Easy to say, hard to do. What do you control? over them. Easy to say, hard to do. What do you control? What do you control? At the end of the day, what you control, and it really is the only thing that you control in terms of any goal, more money, less weight, more anything, less anything, whatever the goal, process. Process is everything and the only thing when it comes to your ability, my ability to change. That's all there is. Now, the notion, trust the process. I do not like that term. Why?

To me, it is suggestive of somebody else laying out a system or a dynamic or some type of mechanism for you to follow and that if you do these things, something else will happen. Okay, I see it flipped. Process is trust because you don't control anything else. I don't know that you're gonna watch my show. I can't make you do those things. Not really, not in the way that I could live with. What I control is how I approach the show,

how I prepare, who I have on it, how I deliver, the time, the thought, the words, the questions, the behavior. That's what I control. So I control the process. I don't decide whether or not I'm gonna lose weight tomorrow, I don't know. All I determine is what I do as a process between now and tomorrow.

That I control. What I put in my face, I control. How I move my body, I control. Process is everything. Review. The only thing that matters is your standard for yourself. Of course, listen to people you respect, people you have a responsibility to, your partner, your wife, your husband, your kids, your friends, your loved ones, the people you're loyalty to that you must trust and that you must be there for. You have to listen

to them. You need feedback. But at the end of the day, the only thing that matters, that is enough, that is worthy about you is what you believe. So know that and take care of yourself. I am a reflexive self-loather. I knock myself down all the time. Why? On one level, it's easier. You expect disappointment. You expect bad things.

You expect people to say bad things. You're not disappointed when it happens. But in that is a weakness because I should be willing to take the risk of being disappointed. And it is not arrogance to say that you have the values and the value and the qualities that you have. It's not wrong for you to say that you're good at something.

That doesn't make you cocky or arrogant. It's just true if it's true. And that's okay because it creates a value in that. Now, I'm not good at this, but I know it's the right way to be. One, you control your own head. You control your own value. You control your own worth. Two, you've got to love everything that happens and find a reason for it. Amor fati. I don't believe everything happens for a reason. I don't believe in fate. I don't believe in destiny. I don't believe in luck. I believe

what happens is what you make happen, even if something happens to you. How you respond is on you. But I do believe that for everything that happens, you have an opportunity to create a reason for it. Not why it happened, but what you do with it. You understand the difference? It's not that it happened for some reason that it was always going to happen. I don't know about that. I don't subscribe to that belief. But I do believe that everything happens gives you an opportunity to put a reason to it, to make a change. Then you have to think about what you control. I'm telling you, all you control is process. Process, the definition, a series of attempts to create a particular end. Series of attempts, right? Built-in is the idea that it's

not going to be one and done. Only thing that happens quickly is failure, right? Success takes time. Everything of value in our lives is hard. And that's OK. Look, no shame in my game. I've been using AG1 for over five years. Why? It works. It's easier and it's less expensive. That's why. Since 2010, they've been getting their formulations right and tweaking their formulas. Why? Because the science changes. OK. It's not like politics where people decide to believe one thing and no matter what happens with the facts, they never shift. This is the opposite. Oh, prebiotics work with probiotics, but in this way, D works with K and this type of B works with that. They have the scientists doing it. So I don't need all the bottles. I don't have to spend all the money and I don't have to figure out when to take what and why.

More importantly, it's not just the regular list of vitamins. It's the extras, okay? The adaptogens, the prebiotics, the probiotics that support your body's universal needs. Gut optimization, immune support, stress management. That's what foundational nutrition is about. And these are the people at AG1 who've been doing the work to get it right, okay? I tell friends, I tell family, I get no complaints, okay? If you wanna take ownership of your health,

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The Chris Cuomo Project is supported by Cozy Earth. Why? Because I like their sheets. That's why. Check it out. all kinds of things. But the wrong sheets can make you hot, can make you cold. I'm telling you, I didn't believe it either. But Cozy Earth sheets breathe. And here's what I love about them. Cozy Earth's best-selling sheet is a bamboo set, okay? Temperature regulating. Gets softer with every wash. I'm not kidding you, all right? Now, so if you go to CozyEarth.com and you enter the code, enter the code Chris, and you can get up to 35% off your first order. CozyEarth.com and the code is Chris. Process. Now you have to start looking at particular processes and you don't worry about failing. Fail is an acronym. Frequent attempts increase your longevity. The more you try and fail, the better you're going to get and the longer you're going to go. I know that. I'm 52. I've had a lot of downs. I've lost a lot of jobs. This is the

only time I've ever been shit canned. But I've been passed over. I've been disappointed. I've had all kinds of things happen. I've had like really bad things happen that, you know, you don't need to know about, but have happened. And you learn. And at the end of the day, the biggest lesson is all I control is process. How I get my head right, how I'm there for my family and my friends and the show and you is process. I control what I control, what I do when I wake up in the morning. You should have a routine. And it shouldn't be that you get up, you gobble an espresso and you fly out the door. We need to think more. You need to make time.

The time is there if you decide to make it, okay? And you have to think, you have to plan, you have to consider, you need a routine. I'm a huge fan of walking. I'm preparing something for you about it. It's a great tool. I know time is short, but you have time for what you make time for, okay?

I'm busy. Even in this phase, now I'm getting very busy again. Process. How do you use your time? What do you do? What do you rely on? What are your routines? Even as a point of review,

how did it go with this podcast today? I'm going to watch it when they send me the cut. I'm going to think about what I didn't do. I make notes for the next time. What worked, what didn't? Why? That's easy. How did it go when I was out with these people? There was a little bit of a tension. Why was there tension? Was it me? Was it her? Was it him? What was it? Workouts, boat trips, interactions with kids. All of these things are a function of process. How you prepare to deal with the kid in this situation, what you say, how you respond, how you focus. It's process. That's what you control. Now, trust the process? No. Process is trust.

You hold on to that. It's everything. And it will get you to a better place. It's how you lose weight. It's how you get stronger. It's how you do things better in sport or in work. Intellectually, it's how you learn. It's how you refine process.

Reading. Reading things that are counter to that. Seeing which part you arrive at there, you know, the scientific method of thesis, antithesis, synthesis, process, process. Don't run away from it. Don't say that's boring. Don't say it's tedious. Hey, man, the grind is the glory. The grind is the glory. Okay. This has been my secret in getting back up on my feet and figuring out what my why is about what I want to do with my life professionally. How I can handle all the fallout of the troubles that my family has been through, the challenges.

Process is what I fell back on. Going to therapy, taking care of myself, thinking about what was out there, thinking about who I needed to help. Think about what that meant for me. Think about what I love. Think about what was out there, thinking about who I needed to help, think about what that meant for me, think about what I love, think about what I do well, think about what I value and building towards it, making lists, making phone calls, talking to people, figuring out opportunities, which ones make sense, which don't, deciding what to say no to,

what to say yes to, owning my own set of values for what I wanna be and not be, owning what I've done wrong, working on trying to get better at it, failing and failing and failing. Process is everything. And if you obsess over process, you will get results. I know this because I've lived it many times over. What do you think? Let me know. Subscribe, follow, give me your comments, 516-412-6307. Let me know if this makes sense to you. And if you have a better idea, let me know. And thank you for helping me change the name. Cuomo on the couch. See you next time.