The Chris Cuomo Project - Cuomo On The Couch: How COVID Changed Me

Episode Date: August 31, 2023

Chris Cuomo opens up about his experience battling COVID-19 in 2020. Recalling how he spent most days laying on his side while sick, Chris shares how the ordeal taught him powerful lessons about change, perception, and the importance of being a "free agent" guided by internal values rather than external validation. Follow and subscribe to The Chris Cuomo Project on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube for new episodes every Tuesday and Thursday: https://linktr.ee/cuomoproject Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Our story begins with me on my side in something I've never shared about the truth of when I had COVID the first time. Support for the Chris Cuomo Project comes from PrizePix. I got to tell you, there's a reason PrizePix is America's number one fantasy sports app. Three million members. Why? Easy, plenty of action if you're into DFS, and it's just you against the numbers. You pick more than or less than on two to six player stat projections. And if you're any good, the winnings will roll in. The big game is right around the corner. You got a little side action on Tay-Tay, do you?

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We don't fake the funk here. And here's the real talk. Over 40 years of age, 52% of us experience some kind of ED between the ages of 40 and 70. I know it's taboo, it's embarrassing, but it shouldn't be. Thankfully, we now have HIMS, and it's changing the vibe by providing affordable access to ED treatment, and it's all online. HIMS is changing men's health care. Why? Because it's giving you access to affordable and discreet sexual health treatments, and you do it right from your couch. HIMS provides access to clinically proven generic alternatives to Viagra or Cialis or whatever.

And it's up to like 95% cheaper. And there are options as low as two bucks a dose. HIMS has hundreds of thousands of trusted subscribers. So if ED is getting you down, it's time to pick it up. Start your free online visit today at HIMS.com slash CCP. H-I-M-S dot com slash CCP. And you will get personalized ED treatment options. HIMS.com slash CCP. the healthcare provider, and they will determine if appropriate. Restrictions apply. You see the website, you'll get details and important safety information. You're going to need a subscription. It's required. Plus, price is going to vary based on product and subscription plan. Everybody, I'm Chris Cuomo. Thank you for joining us for another special edition of the Chris Cuomo Project Podcast. Please subscribe,

follow. Don't forget about your free agent gear, which you're going to understand a lot better after today's episode of where it comes from for me and hopefully leads to for you. Don't forget about me on News Nation, eight o'clock at night. I am not on my side when I'm doing the show at 8 and 11 Eastern, but that's the deal. So let's get after it. So when I was sick, what you didn't see is that a majority of the day would be spent on my side, waiting for the side of my face that was completely impacted with swelling, you know, completely impacted with swelling, you know, congestion, would shift over to the other side of my face, allowing me to drain it and get anything out of it. And for whatever reason, I would just, this was the only place where I could actually just sit and maybe fall asleep. And it was miserable. And you've heard many miserable accounts of a lot of people who've had COVID and had it a lot worse than I did. I was certainly among the manageable cases. Never had to be hospitalized, got close, but never had to. Because I learned a lesson in this position.

Because I was like so out of it, except for like two hours a day. Maybe that's too little. Maybe five hours a day. But the hour before the show, I would get up, clean myself off, put on a shirt, get a couple of the shirts ready, prep for the show, what I was going to do that day. Maybe a couple phone calls before that. And then I would do the show and then I would just be exhausted. And that went on for a few weeks. So I was kind of oblivious to everything going on outside of this reality. And because of that, I learned an invaluable, powerful, and difficult lesson about the reality of change and perception. And it gave birth to the idea of being a free agent. A free agent did not start for me in the philosophical sense. Of course, we all learn about it, but it's not where I use it now, which is as an antidote to the game of politics and the two

party binary bullshit. It was something else that is actually more powerful for you as an individual. You ready to understand? Okay, good. Now I can get up. So once I was able to kind of get back upright and start paying attention, and I saw and heard and started to appreciate how resonant all of the pandemic reporting that we were doing on the show was specifically my personal experience. And as I've shared before, and I'll share it on now if you're new, no work I've ever done in 25 years in this business, and I've won all kinds of awards. You can Google it. I've worked at great places, great teams. So we've had great results. No one has ever thanked me for anything or appreciated the value, the help of the work that I've been a part of as much as my reporting about the pandemic and sharing the experience of being sick with you guys to deal with it or hopefully not have to deal with it yourselves. However, in the moment, I was not aware of that impact.

So as I started to kind of get upright again and live my life, it was a very phased thing. That's why this bullshit about me faking leaving the basement. We didn't know what we know now about when you're contagious and when you're not and what it means and the standard about fever and having under 99 or whatever fever or whatever the number was, I had reached, but I run naturally cool at like 97.6. So I still had a fever for me. So did that mean I shouldn't or shouldn't? So I would like stage out. I would come upstairs. I would wear the mask.

I would do a few things around, but I didn't stay in the room with my wife. I wasn't around my kids. I wasn't touching. And then as everybody started to not get sick, you know, I would do more, do more. So it took like 10 days for me to officially be showering, changing, sleeping,

eating with everybody else. And my kids thought it would be funny for when I was finally going to leave the basement, I wouldn't be dead. They wouldn't have to look for me down there anymore to capture it with this picture, which I put on social media. And then it became weaponized as a, he's faking it. It's complete bullshit, but that's the game. Not my point either. That negativity, all the love, the resonance on social media that like exploded my social media numbers, I was unaware of it. This is why it matters. Now I become aware of it, okay?

And there is all of this effusive, extreme love. There's all this love. And Andrew, my brother is the love gov and there's the brothers Cuomo and there's all this stuff going on and incredible enthusiasm because you know, everybody's stuck inside and we're desperate for normal and we're desperate for hope and positivity. So I'm like overwhelmed by that because I'm not used to being the story. I'm used to covering the story. And sure, you court controversy. I take on controversy. I believe in confrontation. I'm comfortable in confrontation. I trust it as a mechanism to kind of give you guys perspective. But I'm not used to that. And I didn't want that.

And I didn't think I had signed up for that. And then there was all this ridiculous hate coming the other way, weaponizing me as some kind of tool in the battle to convince you that COVID is real or to push the jab and all this other bullshit that I had nothing to do with. And I certainly was never any part of any effort to try to shape your mind or any other thing like that. And it was so intense and weaponized and effective and impactful.

And it became the root of a really, really important idea of the external versus the internal. And what a free agent is, is somebody who has their own code, their own set of principles, their own set of standards that guides their feelings about themselves and everybody else and everything else, but themselves. And here was the hard learned lesson for me. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You've heard that, right? Nothing changes if nothing changes. Okay.

Trite but true. The bigger truth is all change that matters not only starts internal, but must live internally. but must live internally. And the external will never give you what you want or get you where you want to be. That is true, full stop. However, it is so hard to live and really even hard to recognize. Why? Two main reasons, okay? And these will be found in psychology, in philosophy, self-improvement, and even in management structure. So you can cross-reference these ideas lots of different ways for different applications.

But this is why it's so important to be a free agent. This is why the Bard gave us the line, to thine own self be true. Why? Two reasons. One, only you know the truth about you and your capacities, your talents, your strengths, and your weaknesses. Nobody else really does. Now, what does that mean? It can mean two things. It depends on your disposition and how you're set up. I am a self-loather. Okay. So for me, no matter what level of external validation or praise or whatever positive dynamic you want to define, I know better about myself. Something as simple and meaningless as how you look. Oh, you look good. All I see is asymmetry. My right side, my left side, they're so different.

How could anybody think I look good? Oh, I'm three pounds away or, oh, I still have this or whatever it is. My standard for myself negates whatever any of you will say to me because I know the truth. I know about whether I'm living right or wrong, whether I'm good or bad, as judged by a set of interactions, actions, or inactions. So it doesn't matter what you say, because I know the truth. Now, that often leads us to want to get away from ourselves and replace what we know about whether we really did well tonight, or whether what we really did was out of kindness, or whether we really were honest, or really we deserve that praise. We want to run away

from that shit. Why? Too real. Too real. We'd rather live a delusion about ourselves, positively or negatively, than the truth. Why? It's easier to sustain. And it allows us to play into the rules of our reality, which takes us to the second point. We live in a society that is all about external judgments. We do not reward, code, honor, principle, consistency, none of that. It is all about the now and the present and what's in, what's out, what's okay and what isn't and the rules change. And then what matters on the right changes and the left and what's cool and what's in.

And I've got to be super skinny because muscles are toxic masculinity. And no, I got to be built like the rock. Otherwise I'm a beta or I'm an incel or women strong as the new skinny, which I love love versus I have to look like I'm about to die and clothes are just falling off me because thin is the beauty. You know, it's always changing, changing, changing. And every once in a while we check the pendulum with an idea that you got to be you. You got to do you.

And you're flooded with all this shit and feedback. And we fall into it. We see the memes and the social media and the TikTok challenges and the feedback mechanisms and it's going and going and going because that's how it works. So that's how we define ourselves. I look good because people tell me I look good.

I'm doing well because people tell me I'm doing well. I'm smart because they say I'm smart. I'm dumb because they say I'm dumb. I am worthless because they say I don't look like the person who has worth. I don't look like Kim Kardashian, so I can't be sexy. I can't feel good about myself because I don't look like this woman who I'm being told really feels great because of how she is and what she's done. And if I haven't done that, then I am not that. And if I'm not that guy at work who's killing it as perceived in the moment

at that time of that value structure for that concern or business in that moment or trend, then I'm not killing it. External, external, external. What do I drive? What do I buy? What can I afford? How much do I have? The eternal quest for more, more, more. It's all external. And as maddening as it is, as depressing as it can be, it is easier than to thine own self be true and have a code that will put you in opposition to all of that so you can't be part of the sheeple anymore. That's hard. Being a free agent is hard. Being a follower is easy. is hard. Being a follower is easy. And we default to what is easy. Why? It protects us. It is a default mechanism for playing safe to avoid scrutiny and attention that can be negative.

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I know it's taboo, it's embarrassing, but it shouldn't be. Thankfully, we now have HIMS, and it's changing the vibe by providing affordable access to ED treatment, and it's all online. HIMS is changing men's health care. Why? Because it's giving you access to affordable and discreet sexual health treatments. And you do it right from your couch. HIMS provides access to clinically proven, generic alternatives to Viagra or

Cialis or whatever. And it's up to like 95% cheaper. And their options are as low as $2 a dose. HIMS has hundreds of thousands of trusted subscribers. So if ED is getting you down, it's time to pick it up. Start your free online visit today at HIMS.com slash CCP.

H-I-M-S dot com slash CCP. And you will get personalized ED treatment options. HIMS.com slash CCP. Prescriptions, you need an online consultation with a healthcare provider, and they will determine if appropriate. Restrictions apply. You see the website, you'll get details and important safety information. You're going to need a subscription.

It's required. Plus, price is going to vary based on product and subscription plan. So what did I learn? How did this all come from me laying on my side? Because I was sick. So I was disconnected and dislocated. In truth, I hadn't really embraced social media as a proxy for insight based on how I felt about the audience and what seemed to be resonating and what I was reading from other people who were

covering what I was covering. And so I just wasn't paying attention. Rose is handling all that, my producer. And all of a sudden, I was relevant. and people were saying these amazing things, positive and negative, and none of it made sense to me. I am not these praiseworthy things. I'm incredibly flawed and fail all the time. I am not a strong Christian, Catholic, whatever. a strong Christian, Catholic, whatever. No, no. I cling to my choice of faith in a higher power because I am desperate for a mechanism to help me be better than I am on a regular basis. My decision to have faith in something is not proof of me being better. If anything, it's a demonstration of why I clearly believe to be less than because I wouldn't need it otherwise, but it's seen a

different way. And it's heavy. It's hard. It's strong because people are trying to use me to validate what matters to them. And on this side, the projections of positivity, I don't deserve. They're unwarranted. Even if it's simple about physicality, I'm a shell of what I was. I'm dying on the vine. What you see now is actually a big fruit that is just becoming a raisin. So that's the way I see myself. When I was in my 20s and 30s, I was a beast. The capabilities that I had, I was all go, not all show. So that doesn't work. And this negative thing, this doesn't make sense.

These people are crazy. They're just trying to motivate bullshit and see me as some kind of enemy because it works for them. And it haunts me to this day. So it was overwhelming. And it's when I then realized that, wow, the oldest wisdom really just holds up. The stoicism, it has to be inside. All that will ever really matter to you is what you believe and trust from what you know and of yourself. And the only way that you'll ever really be able to impact anything or anyone else is by the exclusive and simple projection of what you say and do and don't say and don't do. That's all you control. And that is all you will ever really manifest outside

yourself. That's it. It all has to start, continue, and end within. You cannot invest in what people say about you as a basis of defining who or what you are. It doesn't work. They don't know you and their opinions can change randomly, arbitrarily, in ways that matter or don't matter. You have to do what's hard to get anything that matters in life. You have to look within. I know. I know that's hard.

And it's so easy to default to what everybody else seems to want, to respond to the people who are saying mean things about you. Now, remember, I'm in an artificial position, okay? For most of you, your reality is about what you have decided to create. You have your professional side,

your employment side, your personal side, okay? Your passions, your hobbies, your pursuits. You know, the world that you have decided will be relevant and the people who will be relevant and resonant in your own reckoning of yourself and your world. I am public facing, right? So, I am open to the scrutiny to people who I don't know, who don't know me and who make money tearing people down. I mean, that's what I signed up for. So it's not for me to say, oh, that's fair. That's not fair. It's what I signed up for. It's like being in a football game and deciding to judge how you feel about getting tackled. football game and deciding to judge how you feel about getting tackled. It's like, that's going to happen. I walked an even better metaphor. I decided to come into the ring and have this fight. So someone's cheap shotting me or hitting me and I'm supposed to be offended. That's the game, okay? And I know that even a picture of me laying on my side will be food for people to say, oh, look at this and let me say this nasty thing or this stupid thing.

And it doesn't matter. That's them. That's them. Now, I know that's easy to say, hard to do. It hurts to have people criticize you. It hurts your feelings. It can be upsetting. But then you have to recognize in your own mind, right, life is about adjustment and constant reassessment and constant reassertion

of first principles and learning how to keep those first. Because what matters? She saying nasty shit about me, him saying untrue things about me, that doesn't hurt. Only I decide to be hurt. Only I decide to be upset. Only I choose to feel a certain way about what you're doing. Oh, but that's upset. Only I choose to feel a certain way about what you're doing. Oh, but that's unrealistic. If somebody punches you in the face, it hurts. But how do you feel about being punched in the face? That's exclusively your control. That's internal. That's you being a free agent. I'm not going to let you decide that I should be pissed off by what she or he or they did. That's weakness. That's caving

to the external. Be strong. Stick to your own code. I get that people don't think that it was a big deal, but you do. That's being a free agent. You want to feel better about yourself, feel better about yourself on your own terms. Not what I tell you about you. Not what someone else says about how your outfit looks. If you don't like it, don't wear it. If you don't want to be that way, don't be that way. Yeah, but they like me when I'm that way. That is on them, not you. It will never be enough. All the love, all the praise, even if you're a public-facing person like me. Man, you're great. You are only great if you think you are, and if what're a public facing person like me, man, you're great. You are only great if you think you are. And if what you did that night or in that way or in that program or

in that set, whatever it was, if you know it was not what you wanted and how you want it to be, then it wasn't. Because at the end of the day, anything that you decide to make real based on external judgments will fade, will collapse, will be shown to be false. Because to yourself, you must be true. from a position where I couldn't take in what was outside to then being flooded by it and affected by it and allowing it to shape how I felt and didn't feel about things that matter and don't matter. But eventually I came back to first principles, deepest truth and wisdom, which is it is all within you. Your sense of faith, virtue, justice, wisdom, discipline, all of these things. Are you a good person? You tell me. Well, I don't know. Then you don't know. And me saying, hey, let me tell you something. Yes, you are.

Look, that sounds great. It's nice. But sounds great, nice, that's sugar, okay? It burns off and it leaves you craving. You know if you're good or not. And you know what will make you believe that you are good or not. Live there. Live with that. Obsess on that. Deal with that. It's hard. It's easier for you to hear me say, come on, don't be so tough on yourself. And look, and maybe that's the right advice. But at the end

of the day, you have to own it. You have to be a free agent. Yes, I want you to reject both parties. Yes, I want you to be a critical thinker, to be independent, and to vote for people and policies and not teams. Yes. Free agent. Yes. But the bigger manifestation, and I'm telling you, I've learned this. I'm not saying I do it well. I default to external the picture with the tuna, okay? I swear on my kids, I did not think when I was taking that picture that it was going to turn into what kind of shape I'm in. I swear on my kids, okay? Well, why did I have a shirt on and no shirt on? I got sweaty as fuck. I got all sweaty and bloody. That's why I took this shirt off. I have a shirt off most of the time. And it's not because I look like Tarzan, all right. I am not impressed

by how I look physically. I used to look a lot better. I'm doing okay. I lost some weight. That tricks the eye. If you're more defined, if you have abs, people think you're in good shape. It's not true. To me, it's about how well can I defend myself and in what situation? How much can I move and how many times and how strong will I be over time? And by all those metrics that matter to me, I am fighting a decline. Okay. I'm no thirst trap. So I didn't know that was going to happen. That doesn't help me. It does not help me in my world of what I want to be. Okay. Does it matter to me how I look and being in shape? Absolutely. Am I vain? A hundred percent. Did I ever flex in a mirror in an elevator with other people in there? That's a lie. Okay. And people who printed that knew it was a lie. But again, that's all the

external and that's what I set up for. I signed up for that. So I hear it. I feel it. It affects me. You got to push it back out. You got to go back to what's inside and how you feel. How do I feel about me? What work am I going to do on me? What am I going to invest in me to be what matters to me? The more you can do that, the more free you are from the external in trying to shape what matters to you and what you go for and what you avoid, the stronger and more complete and more content you will have a chance to be.

Easy to say, hard to do. I got an extreme look at this that really became like a crucible of learning and change for me. I don't wish it on anybody else. And I'm still very much going through it. But I know that it's true, even though I struggle with it mightily myself. Stick to your own opinion of yourself, your values, your principles, what is enough, what is good, what is bad, what is right, what is wrong. Be a critical thinker. Take things in. Use them as food for thought. But I'm telling you, the more you look to the external for proof of who and what you are, the less you will be. Be a free agent. Be a free agent. And

yeah, buy the merch. I'm Chris Cuomo. Thank you so much for subscribing, following. I hope the pains and pleasures, the positives and negatives of my journey as it was and is and may be, it's helpful to you. Not because I get it right, but because I know ways to help you get it right in your life, in your own way, in your world. That's all I want to do is help.

Don't be like me. Be like you. You'll be better off. I promise you that. All right, I'll see you on News Nation 8 and 11 o'clock Eastern. You know how to get us here, subscribing and following. You can get me on all the social media platforms. We're paying

attention. Give me your comments. Let's get after it.