The Chris Cuomo Project - Walk and Talk: Beyond Worry

Episode Date: January 22, 2023

In a candid and honest Walk and Talk, Chris Cuomo explores why fear is a choice and how to deal with one’s appetite for self-destruction. Follow and subscribe to The Chris Cuomo Project on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube for new episodes every Tuesday. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, welcome to another walk and talk. Had some time to look at some metrics. You guys like these. That's cool. Lots of different comments about what you'd want me to do. A lot of them I can't or I'm not comfortable doing because I'm not an answers person. This is not me giving you my thoughts. This is, you know, sometimes it is,

but it's my thoughts on what I don't understand or what's not working, what I'm trying. This is based on what I've read, wisdom, ideas, but it's not like I have some answer plan for you. Do this. I know what I try. I know what I'm told to do that they say will work, and I pass it on.

I tell you why. If it works for you, great. If it doesn't, keep looking to the extent that you care. So we're back again, and here's a metaphor. See the road? See how it disappears at the top of the hill? Okay. Well, we know that the road continues, right?

Which direction? What condition? I don't know, but I know it's there. And I have a big reason to feel like a signage. Otherwise, having driven it many times, having walked it many times, it's there. And it s's along, just like the piece I've already walked through. just like the piece I've already walked through. Now, that is not a way that we look at most of life. In all likelihood, you probably have a lot on your mind.

In fact, you're probably listening to this as a way to distract and maybe to help you deal with all these things that are on your mind. Now, psychology, philosophy would instruct us in most cases that that is counterproductive to have this

menu of worries, many of which have not come to pass. If they have come to pass, they're already in the past. If they haven't come to pass, you don't know what they'll be or if they'll be. And in either case, what you control suggests a completely different outlook. Now, that is really hard. I am a worrier. I am a worrier.

I worry. And here is my argument in favor of worrying. It's not a great one. It's not a healthy one. But it's true. And I bet you, it is true for you. And many people. I prefer to worry about bad things happening, because when they do happen, and they do, the lack of surprise, I knew this was going to happen. There is something comforting in that. Not comforting like I'm satisfied,

but that I wasn't taken by surprise. I knew this was going to happen. satisfied, but that I wasn't taken by surprise. I knew this was going to happen. There is something more troubling to me about being taken by surprise. Why? Well, from a simple psychological standpoint of self-protection that makes complete sense. You know, there's a reason that lesser mammals have so much more acuity when it comes to their senses. And how they seem to be walking around in a constant state of concern. It's because they are. Because something may want to eat them. Even if they're an apex predator, they're constantly thinking, where's my next meal going to come from? That is survival. So that is one rationale for it. There are other psychological

dynamics at play with why I lean on doom, that sense of ignominy, as the Greeks would say, that you are ill-fated. Bad stuff's coming your way. Now, part of that is recent history, stuff I went through, I didn't see coming,

or I didn't expect to go the way it did. That definitely puts you in a more apprehensive state of mind. And so I spend a lot of my time worrying about what's going to happen so that when it does, I'm like, oh, I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Now, the next question is, okay, so what does that do for you? Am I better prepared? Am I ready to go? When that thing happens? It can be anything. Investment doesn't work out stock market doesn't work out. Don't hit some

fitness goal. Something doesn't happen with your kid, something health-related you were worried about winds up actually coming to pass. Whatever it is, here's where I lose the argument. So now what? Am I in better shape for it? Other than the emotional, I told you so, which is really what? I told you so, which is really what? That is really just kind of, I don't know, what's the right way for me to say this? All that's really doing is putting a level of comfort on your self-loathing and on your fear existence.

That's all it's doing. It's just confirming for you that it was right for you to live that way in the first place. But you're not better prepared, right? Oh, I know he's going to say no when I ask him. I know he's going to say no. I just know it's not going to happen. And then it doesn't happen. Are you plan B ready? Probably not, right? Because that time worrying was not time planning for that negative outcome. And that's really the point of, you know, certainly what the Stoics talk about in this regard, but many do in terms of focus on what you control. Even the serenity prayer, which you can look up for yourself,

but you know the gist, which is, you know, asking for the Lord to give you the power to change what you can, accept what you can't, and to know the difference between the two. You know, that's just another way of expressing the same idea.

What do you control? What do you control? Focus on that. Now, I do not do this well. I wish I did it better. I do think it would be more helpful. Though I must say, having had recent experience with something popping up that was not good, that I did not see coming.

And I had been much more assiduously, much more diligently practicing what I'm telling you right now. It is not preaching because I am not a preacher and there, this is not a semantic distinction. I have no message. You understand? I have no central truth that I'm trying to relay to you. I don't have even really a position. I just have a desire. I wish that I could live differently. I wish I could feel differently. Now, the easy

answer is, so do it. Totally true. You're totally right. I am now talking to myself and answering. At least I'm not fighting with myself, which I've also done. So yes, but it's hard. Right? I mean, that's the whole point. Easy to say, hard to do. But if you're a worrier like me, I read this thing. Don't be a worrier. Be a warrior. I was like, okay.

I get the alliteration. I get the wordplay, but what does that mean? And the explanation was, prepare, act, do, strategize, plan, make happen, as opposed to wasted, useless, emotional energy that taxes you, but does nothing other than feed this self-destructive appetite. Damn! That's it, man.

That is the truth. That is the truth. I don't know about for you, but. That is the true. That is the true. I don't know about for you, but it certainly is for me. Because then once the bad thing happens, even if you're like, I knew it. Okay. So now what? You see what I'm saying? And that's why ultimately we have to deal with this situation. So the situation is the appetite for self-destruction, the concern, the fear. fear is a choice, okay? Absolutely. Job's not going to go the right way. Money's not going to go the right way. Health's not going to go the right way.

Kid's not going to go the right way. Partnership's not going to go the right way. Dreams, ambitions, yada, yada, yada. All potentially true. Now, here's one of the frustrating things about life. Many things can be true at the same time. How so in this instance? Well, in this context, whether you think it will or it won't, you're right. No, that's not the aphorism. It's whether you think you can or you can't. You're right. You don't control the external.

I hear people misstate this all the time, if not completely misunderstand it. You can not speak something into existence all the time. Okay? I will be rich. I will be rich. all the time. Okay. I will be rich. I will be rich. What you can do is you can speak your own attitude that you can do because you control that. Okay. I will walk this faster than ever. I will walk this faster than ever. Okay. Okay. Maybe if I walk faster than I ever have for the entire time. But you see what I'm saying?

You get the point. But it's an important point. What you control is how you perceive and how you receive. Perceive and receive. Meaning, ah, I just turned my ankle. Oh, I hate it, I hate it. You know, something bad always happens. Okay, now, I just did turn my ankle.

So, what do I do about it? How do I feel about it? What does it mean to me? I'll never walk again, I'm jinxed. Or, whoo, I almost really turned my ankle there but i didn't yay because there's an old basketball and rugby player and fighter man i know how much that hurts and how much it sidelines you especially these days oh glad that didn't happen ah chalk one up for a lack of misery that's good you see what i'm saying how you receive it how you perceive it that is you by the way if you're like yeah oh but i don't do that of course you don't it's so hard to do consistently. It's easy to say. Written test, we ace life.

Right? Written test, you ace it. But the practical, the living, that's hard. And remember, you got this bunch of jerks all around you, very often preying on, hoping for, agitating for your shortcoming. Your shortcoming. There are a lot of people who act off jealousy. Misery loves company. Commiserate is the word. People like to see that you're falling short. It's cynical, right?

But am I wrong? Sure. Let's say, well, not you, not me. I love my friends. That's true. I really do see my friends as the family that I choose. It's really true. I don't have a lot of light friendships. I mean, I try to be nice. I try to be amiable.

I try to say hello to people. I talk to people. Part of that is more position than disposition. But the people that I love, that's a tight group. That's really way more deep than it is broad with me anyway. So I want the best for them. I'm happy when they're happy, but I've absolutely to this minute experienced jealousy. Oh man, he looks great. He's really long. He's lost weight. He's in shape. He's doing this he's doing that whatever it is he's killing it she's killing it this is great she's so happy so happy i feel that i feel that it's better than me it's better than me why aren't i like that it'd be nice if they weren't so successful you know know, I feel that. I don't like it. I don't feed it.

I remind myself their success is my success. But human beings, self-protection. How's that self-protection? They're not out to hurt you. No, but competitively. See, so many things can be true at once. Many things can be true at once. And that's the trick of it, right?

That's the trick of it right that's the trick of it so what do we do about this here's the gist of this whole thing some 15 minutes in start again restart restart brooke shields buddy of mine. Love her. Love her energy. Love what she's about. Now, her husband, Chris Henchey, who is a writing, storytelling, comedic genius, look up his resume. She starts Beginning Is Now, right? I love Beginning is now as a companion I tell them this all the time to my wife's business purist p-u-r-i-s-t because Brooke is all about the restart and of course helping you along the way of that and she gets that she's the icon by the way she would never call herself that but I do because Because she is.

We all know it, okay? And it's not just because of her beauty. It's because of her journey. She's got a documentary coming out about her journey. Sundance, opening it, very prestigious. It's going to blow a lot of people's minds, I bet. I can't wait to see it. Because I know her journey. I've read her it because I know her journey read her books I know her

what a journey that's why she's an icon the perseverance so beginning is now that's the restart that's what I call restart Christina is all about giving you the tools to restart and then sustain as long as you can until you fuck up which you will see that's my point and this is another mighty struggle for the moment is i hate the failure and despite you think i'd be used to it by now. But the restart is very hard for me because I don't think I deserve it because of the self-loathing and that self-destructive tendency.

So I am the guy who will tell you, all right, you had a bad meal. Next meal, have a good meal. I'm going deep. I have a bad meal. I'm supposed to be dieting. I'm going deep into the Nutella hole. Self-loathing, self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy.

Many things can be true at once, but this is the highest truth for this walk and talk. The restart is as important as anything, and it is always there. And it's as easy as, conceptually, go back to him. Go back to her. Go back to them. Hey, I don't know why I said it. All right, I know. But I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Now we know it's all about amends, right? If it's a deep cut, now we know it's all about amends right if it's a deep cut you got to show it but you're already on the road to restart because that's the part you control and then your further choices and trying to cater to the next right decision diet really is about the next meal. Skip day, cheat day really is about the next day. Bad thing happens. All right, now deal with it and see if not the opportunity in it, the compensation in it.

See what you have to do here just to fix what you can, deal with what you can, cope how you can. here just to fix what you can deal with what you can cope how you can that's the melding of this challenge that is what the struggle is so mighty around that's the mental health no i still haven't come up with a better phrase self-care i don't. That doesn't really work. It's not even really on point. I mean, self-care is real, but you know what I'm saying. Mental health. We don't say physical health. I just don't know any way to talk about it in a way that doesn't make it another.

You know? Anyway, so the theoretical and the practical. Dusty, my EP, loves this joke about O'Reilly saying, Cuomo, you live in the land of the theoretical. I am a problem solver.

And I am here to give you perspective. Okay. So, the theoretical, the practical, it's very, very hard to make one into the other. And of course it is. Of course it is. If it were easy, everybody would live right all the time. It's not the human condition.

To err is human, as I believe a much better mind said. So, here I am at the cemetery. This is where I go to bury things. I've posted pictures of this before. I don't know if I've ever taken you through it. Most of them are a family. The Ranger family. Early 1800s, pre-Civil War.

Antebellum. Um, so I come here and I state an intention last time I was here I buried negative self-talk that shit rose like the phoenix why? because it's hard it's hard to change

it's hard to get away from self-destructive behaviors, especially for me. And that's the real. So what am I going to do? Let me make my intention. I'll even tell you what it is. My intention is just to try to go one at a time. Try to go one at a time. Try to go one at a time. One play at a time. One thing at a time. Well, how do you do that?

There's so much different shit going on. What are you talking about? What do you live in the woods? This is Walden on Walden Pond, Emerson. Is that what this is? Oh, you're just out in nature every day. You don't got to make money. You don't have to deal with everybody else. You don't have responsibilities. No. But take them one by one.

No, I can't. They're all at the same time. That's not true. OK, you make that true. It doesn't have to be true. OK, right now I'm walking. Yeah, but I got to make the bus. I got to get in. I got to do the podcast. I got to do yeah But I gotta make the bus, I gotta get in I gotta do the podcast, I gotta do this, I gotta do that And I have a show in a dusty year What do you have right now?

You have all of that right now? No, I don't have all of it right now What do you have right now? Right now I'm walking I tell my son this When he's in the middle of a set. He's 17, you know, he's into that phase. He's getting so much stronger all the time. There is relief for me in that I see so much more virtue and potential in him than I remember having in that age, at that age.

There's a lot of relief for me in that. He's got a lot of stuff inside of him, a lot of confidence. I mean, he's got all his stuff, you know, like they all do the teens, but you know what I mean. That's good. So I say to him in the middle of a set, all you're thinking of is that rep. Just that one. Not easy, right? We get consumed with numbers when we exercise.

I have to do 20 of these. I have to do that. That's bullshit, by the way. If you're one of those, unless you are absolutely shooting for a specific goal, I must do 20 pull-ups. Okay, that's different. But time under tension.

Work out for time. Not reps. Reps is easier. I'm actually doing it in the program I just started that a buddy of mine gave me. That's rep-related. Basically, it's about going almost to failure. Something called a hypertrophic workout. Hypertrophy. You can look it up.

Hyper-trophy. T-R-O-P-H-Y. And, but, that's the lesson. This rep. This moment. This action. This exchange. Now here's why.

Not just because it's more simple. This exchange. Now here's why. Not just because it's more simple. Not just because it's. So it isn't. Delusional. Or an illusion.

Of simplicity. It's as real as anything else. It's as real as anything else. In the real world. You're talking to this person right now. You're on this task right now. Well, I'm multitasking. Listen, we all do it.

Very little research to support the ability to do two things well at the same time. There's some, by the way. There's some research that you can, but it's a rare individual. And I'm not talking about checking your text, you know, while you're also listening to your kid who's complaining about whatever it is, but you know what I mean? I'm talking about real commitment. Do what's in front of you. And if you can do that, you're going to be in better shape than if you've got a lot on your mind. Okay, this is me telling you this, but I'm telling myself just as much. And I didn't make any of this up.

My struggle with it is every bit as real as the intellectual construct that helps me understand that I can do better. And it doesn't have to be this way. And that the only reason. It continues to be this way is my choice. My choices. My action and inaction. Oh is that frustrating as hell. Isn't it?

Anyway I wish you better. Than. However you came. To this today. Appreciate you subscribing and following. Although I can't believe you got this deep into this and you don't. You know, funny thing. I have whatever, a million, several million,

if you combine all social media people who follow. That just means you're a channel on someone's TV set. And you know how I know this? Look at my TV ratings. We're growing. It's doing better than they expected. That's good enough for me. But if 10% of you, one in every 10,

who are, you know, just the ones who are openly positive and helpful. If just 10% of you guys watch my show and you're in the age demographic that is supposedly present within the people who are checking out my stuff online, my entire rating would be different. Like almost exponentially. You see what I'm saying? So things can be true at the same time. And just because somebody's got a number of followers

doesn't mean that that really communicates into anything. Hey, look, if it did, The Rock, who has like half the population of China following him, Black Adam, who wouldn't have been such a dud. Alright, so. I wish you better.

And I do know this as a matter of fact. Better is more often than not. In more ways than it isn't. Within your reach. Of your choice. And your control. You don't control a lot. But what you do control. You can make better. You can do better. You can't control a lot, but what you do control,

you can make better, you can do better. You can feel better. That I know. And I appreciate you for listening to me and giving me an opportunity to use the platform. Thank you. I'll see you again.