The Chris Cuomo Project - Walk and Talk: Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

Episode Date: April 9, 2023

In a candid and honest Walk and Talk along the water, Chris Cuomo shares how things that you could or would like to do in your life are within your control, but things that you think you should do are a subjective distraction. Follow and subscribe to The Chris Cuomo Project on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube for new episodes every Tuesday and Thursday. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, welcome to another walk and talk. Look at this. Look how beautiful and still the water is, huh? So, I have a kind of a good life hack that I struggle with. What else is new? But it is very interesting. You know the expression, coulda, shoulda, woulda, woulda, shoulda, coulda, shoulda, woulda, coulda, however you want to say it.

No matter the order that you put them in, the point of the expression is that you can't get caught in what you could have done. Okay? Oh, I would have done this, yeah, but you didn't get caught in what you could have done. Okay? Oh, I would have done this, but yeah, but you didn't. And the constructive use of that, to the extent that it's used that way, is don't leave anything on the table.

Don't leave anything to chance. Okay. I have a very different take on it. I actually believe that there's a concept in there that does not serve us well. Certainly does not serve me well, okay? Could and would are all that matters. Should is a distraction at best, a subjective nonsense notion. And at worst, it keeps you living by other people's rules and standards. There is only could and would. Could you do this? Meaning what?

Are you capable of whatever it is that we're talking about? Losing weight. Could you? Sure. Assuming that you're healthy and you're able to control what you eat without risking anything. Check with your doctor first. You know that whole line. Being a better person, obviously you could Being smarter, you could Being nicer, you could Being taller, probably not Unless you're young and you have a family that wants to fill you full of hormones Because you've got to have some kind of risk along with it

But there is could, meaning something else to me Do you control this thing. Do you control this thing? Do you control this? You know? So, well, I want him to love me. I want her to love me. You don't control that. You control how you are.

But whether or not... Oh, look at this skipping rock. A little thick, but I can do it. But whether or not, oh, look at this skipping rock. Yeah, a little thick, but I can do it. But whether or not somebody loves you or is nice to you or is fair to you, you don't have a lot of control out of that. Why? I want to win the game. All you can do is control what you do in most situations. You don't control a heck of a lot of outcomes in life. And the older

you get, the more apparent that becomes. So there is only could. Could this happen? Is it possible? And I would think the better way to look at it is, is it probable and based on what? All right, just about anything is possible, but it's about how extreme a set of circumstances or effort or probabilities would have to be at play to make something happen. So yeah, okay, I get it. Everything's possible, but that's not really the frame of context for me. It's about probability. It's about chance. It's another reason I say I don't believe in luck. One, I don't believe that anything just exists

as kind of some independent energy that can come and go, and some people have it and some people don't. Preparation meets opportunity, chance, how you use chance, how you work circumstances, how circumstances line up. I do believe energetically that you can give yourself a better chance of success or failure by what your state of mind is, what you're putting out there, and how that affects your actions and your intentions. I believe in that. But I go with probability, okay? And how probable is this thing? And that's really where could is going to take you.

Are you in control of it? Yes or no? Okay. If no, well, now could just goes to how you control what part of reaction is your own choice. So that takes us to the only other concept, would. Would is will. This is my struggle and probably true for many of us.

Do you have the will? Sure, when everything's great, when everything's going well, when everything's working for you, of course, will is easy. But when you're depressed, when you're down, when you're angry, when things are going your way, when it's hard, do you have the will?

Do you have the will to overcome? To do anyway? To do anything? That's what happens. Would and could. Is it in your control? And then what does it take for you to control it the way you want? Would and could. Should? Who says? It is my basic problem with should. Well, you should, but who says? Now, again, context is always king, but, you know, I'm not saying, well, hey, can I get there in an hour? Yeah, you should be able to get there in an hour. That's different, okay? I'm talking about in terms of personal empowerment and how we judge

what we should do and shouldn't do and can do. That's very subjective. Okay. Should. By whose rules? By your own rules. Oh, great. Because that's going to take you as an analysis right back to would and could. All right. I should not eat after the show because I've already had dinner. I'm trying to cut weight. Okay, but that's my rule. That's my standard. All right? Now, the coach, not the coach, the guy who I was working out with on this gain program, this hypertrophic lifting thing that I was telling you guys about somewhere on social media,

he'd say, no, you should be eating. You should because, you know, you want more eating. You should, because, you know, you want more calories. You didn't get enough calories today. You should make sure you're eating them at night. It's a different kind of metabolic process. So should is very subjective. And I think it's often a distraction. I should look this way. I should be this way. I should have this. I should look this way. I should be this way. I should have this. I should have this success. This is what my life should be. Very dangerous. Very dangerous.

To thine own self be true. And that's hard enough. Let's be honest. It's really hard. It's really hard to come up with a code, with a set of standards, with a personal philosophy, with a why. Very hard. I mean, I'm like nowhere on that. I mean, and every time I think I am, something will happen or become apparent to me that just proves I'm just as lost and flailing, rumbling, stumbling, and fumbling as Chris Berman used to say on ESPN,

probably still does, as anyone, or as I ever was. It doesn't matter as anyone. You've got to be careful about that. Comparison gets you to shoulds, and that is just no bueno for your own head. You've got to stick to your own shoulds, and that's about your woulds, meaning what do

you have the will to do? What is within what you think is right? What you think is enough? What you think is good? What you think is fair? When it comes to your own assessments of self and what you want for yourself. That's what matters. So woulda have shoulda nah I'm not feeling it oh another good one that's the sound you hear my fat ass walking on this rocky beach that I'm showing you right now um I'm told that a lot more people are listening to these than watching these that's too bad man because you get to see some pretty scenery on these. But actually, it's not too bad. It's just, you know, it's good either way, any way that it helps. Ah, perfect example. That's my should. Should I do this? Yeah, if it helps. Right? I mean, that's the standard to me.

Other people will say, no, you should not do this. Why? What are you talking about? Your life and all these things that make you vulnerable, the critics and people saying mean things to you, you're giving them ammunition, you're giving them fodder. I don't give a, I don't care whether or not it makes somebody feel more confident in coming at me. Keyboard warriors are not my concern. Lions are not concerned with the bleating of the sheep. You ever hear that? I think that's the most important way to see yourself. Don't see yourself as better than anybody, but see yourself as capable of standing on your own. And so that

those who can't or those who want you to not be able to, they just don't matter to you. Once it becomes obvious that that's what it is, it's another should. But that's personal to me. It's personal to you and what you want it to be and not be. Could and would. Woulda, shoulda, coulda is about what you left on the table. What could have been done that wasn't. Not to live with regrets, right? At the end of the day, it's a regret regression. What is shoulda coulda? But those are very different things. Could is capability and the easiest of the assessments. Do you control or not? Is this within your power? Is it within your power exclusively?

Could. Would to me the hardest. So hard. Do you have the will? Now look, and look this up. Grammatically, I'm using this in the context of how that idiom, that idiomatic expression is used. Not in just a straight grammarian way. From a grammar perspective, would is a volitional

response to preference, which makes it a little bit different than should, and that should is more of a right and wrongy vibe in terms of usage rules of grammar. And then could is obviously about capability. But, would you do this? That's about will. So that's why I'm using it that way.

Because that's what matters in terms of this effort to get to a better place, to understand yourself better, to get more out of yourself. You know, I was having lunch with this buddy of mine. He was like a million years old. And that's my dog that you hear back there. It doesn't matter what I do with the electric fence, the collar, the zapper. If I go somewhere and she's outside, comes she just takes the pain the dog is just this incredible you talk about wood this dog has willpower for days this little rescue ugly dog that my wife christina rescued during the pandemic half chihuahua half dachshund

i tell you gotta love her spunk, man. No quit in her. None. She stands up for herself, for anybody. She's got a lot of wood. A lot of wood. Anyway, I'm having lunch with my guy. And he says to me, he's like upset. And he's reading this book about religion in the medieval age or something. And I was like, what's the curiosity about that?

And he says, trying to figure out why. Why does, you know, good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people and famine and this and that. And we got into this really deep discussion, which is pretty much the only kind of discussion this guy has, about how it's not really, we know why these things happen. That's humanity. It's always been that way. What does Billy Joel say, you know?

It's always been burning since the world's been turning. We didn't start the fire. I should have used that on my boy today. He would have gotten a kick out of it. start the fire. I should have used that on my boy today. He would have gotten a kick out of it. But the point is, he was talking about, you know, as this older man, right? He's really in that twilight phase of trying to get to the big things that he wants to make sure he's sure about with the time that he has here, which I hope is a lot. And that is there one answer? You know, a really great take on that,

and I promise this leads to what I'm talking about in general here, is what is the meaning of life? That question can only be answered by the person asking it, because life has no meaning except that which you give to it. Whatever you say your life is about, that's what the meaning of your life is.

And the idea that there's some overarching truth, it's about what you can control and what you want to control and how. What you can do, what you want to do, and how you do it. What you want to be, what you can be, what you want to be, and how you choose to do that. Capability, determination, and choice. And the idea of, or is there some higher truth?

There's so many of us. I mean, you know, man created religion for a reason. You know, primitive peoples decided to ascribe a deity to everything that they didn't understand or feared or needed for a reason. That's cool. Somebody's in the water already. You hear that? Very cool. Somebody's in the water already. You hear that? Very cool.

A little early to be fishing, but could be a commercial guy. So, I don't know that there is one answer for everybody. Or one thing that makes it all make sense. I doubt that. I think that the reason we all cling to this idea that it's not the destination, it's the journey, is because it's how you do it. It's what meaning you give to it, what path you take, what choices you make. And simple enough to understand, very hard, to practice in a way that's satisfying, that's fulfilling, consistently so, that means

anything. Failure, loss, disappointment, injustice, unfairness, bitterness. There's so much negativity. There's so many negative stimuli and consequences. And that's why I really think to the extent that I can distill something that makes it more clear, if not more easy. Certainly not. It's not coulda, shoulda, woulda. It's could you and would you? And that's the straight line analysis of what you're capable of, what the potential is in any situation, any relationship,

any desired goal, and then how you manifest that, how you make that happen or not. And we distract ourselves to the point of self-destruction by getting caught up in other people's standards and rules. Now, I'm not talking about speed, don't speed, or impressing your boss and whatever the mechanism or dynamic is that helps you get ahead with whatever you do for a living. I'm saying. That when it comes to you.

And your self-assessment. Which is another. Episode of the walk and talk. That'll come in a little bit. You got to give yourself a self-assessment man. I mean. Mine are horrible. But.

You know. It's part of of the part of the problem is that you know often what's there is what you choose to see but although blind man i think would come up with a fairly uh similar assessment to my own. But, again, that's my head. That's about my shoulds. And that's okay. We all have our own. And they should be malleable. Because you've got to figure out, as you change, as things change, what matters and why,

life throws a lot of curveballs at you. You've got to adjust your swing if you want to make contact. So, could you do it? And if you can't do it, you got to let it go. You got to let it go. If it's not within your power, your reach. I'll tell you who knows this.

Parents. And a lot of us, man, we are not picking up on the lessons of watching our own parents to the extent that we were blessed enough to have them in ways that you wanted to observe we're so involved with our kids and trying to control outcomes for them it's such a mistake you know I'm lucky I got a

parenting partner who's pretty solid on this basis. But man, you got to let them fail. You got to let them do it themselves and fail. And I know he's, oh, they're not going to get into school. But school is not going to mean shit to them if they don't have the life tools. Coulda and woulda. They've got to learn what they control and what they don't

and how they get the outcomes that they want if they'll, you know, they do everything right. I was going to say lucky. If they do everything to the best that they can, there's no guarantee

that they get what they want. But at least they know they tried and they don't have regret on top of the disappointment of the outcome. Because that's the worst. But that is really a mechanism of how we can lose sight of this and say, no, no, no,

I got to make it better for them. You can't. You can put good stuff in them or expose them to good stuff. They're going to do what they're going to do. They're going to be who they're going to be. And you just try to help where you can. But you're not going to get it all right for them. And you're not going to get it all right for yourself.

But you give yourself a much better chance of streamlining this process, having an opportunity to see things clearly and then make a plan. Could you? And would you? Leave should to the side. Because I'm telling you, it's part of the side. Because I'm telling you, it's part of the analysis.

It's not, well, I can get high, and I want to get high, so are you telling me I should get high? No, I said you have your own personal set of shoulds. If it were me, I'd say yeah. But that's your deal. What are your choices? I'm saying don't get caught up in that one it's the least productive because whose standard are you using?

if you're using your own, fine, it's going to take you back to wood anyway but that's what I got for those of you who are watching let's see if I can skip these rocks and to those of you who are listening I'll tell you how good they come out here's a little one

hmm wasn not too bad Here's the big one Oh It's heavy, I still got three out of it Oh, no I wish you the best Thank you for subscribing, following For giving News Nation a chance, for giving me a chance,

for giving me an opportunity to help. That is giving me an expansion of my could, and I'm going to bring all the wood I can to it every damn day. Let's get after it. See you soon.