The Chris Cuomo Project - Walk and Talk: Surround Yourself with Good People

Episode Date: August 17, 2023

Chris Cuomo shares life lessons and advice about avoiding judgment of others, surrounding yourself with positive people, starting with self-improvement, learning self-forgiveness, and taking action to improve your situation. Follow The Chris Cuomo Project on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify for new episodes every Tuesday and Thursday. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right, welcome to another walk and talk. Here's the menu for today. Yeah, I'm the guy who picks up garbage when I walk. Preamble. I know you by the company you keep. Stick to your own knitting. Start with you. And when in a hole. Okay, so the preamble is, there is a very interesting temptation. It's amazing how people drive so close to you when you're walking on the road. Safety first. That's why you walk toward traffic. So, there is a temptation. You'll notice that when people are observing the struggle of others,

the immediacy is to judge and to look for less than. Did you hear about blah, blah, blah and what they're doing and yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, flag that. Don't be that. Why? We'll get to it. But let's just start off with the general premise that if they're judging others, they're going to judge you. Know that.

Now, this takes us to the company you keep I know you by the company you keep surround yourself with people who are what you want to be you want to be in shape hang out with people who work out etc etc., etc. This is why we want good students around our kids, right? This is why people in business are so desperate for contacts with people who are doing well, making moves. It works on all fronts. Now, it gets a little tricky when you're an old dog like me. I have my people.

I've had them for a long time. I'm very, very fortunate when it comes to the people around me. I'm ridiculously blessed with a bunch of alpha males and females who are very good to me. Too good. good. So, you know, I've been very fortunate that the people who I've grown up with have actually helped me grow even to this very minute. But that's not always the case. And sometimes people have to go if they're not helping you be where you want to be and get to where you want to get. I'm not saying that it's all about ambition. I'm saying it's about you are the company that you keep. It doesn't mean you can't be there for people.

But you do have to figure out how people fit into your life. Based on how you want to live it. Now, we're going to avoid people who are always looking to call people out. And look for less than. Because they're going to do that to you too. And they're playing to a very basic human virtue, which is self-protection and the comparison problem, which is where they're judging based on others, the versus, V-E-R-S-U-S, against, that's what it means in Latin, and it is a mistake. So, preamble.

Look out for those people. Flag it. Don't be like them. I know you by the company you keep. Stack the people around you. And now the meat of the walk and talk. And by the way, it's hot. And humid. And I'm walking at about three and a half, four miles an hour.

So there's some huff and puff. I apologize. But, you know, let's take it easy on the criticism of what bad shape I'm in. Anyway, on that note, down over 20 pounds. How? Less. I basically skip a meal a day. I'm doing more truth training.

That's the shirt that I wear when they say truth on them. I'm not talking about journalism or politics. It's a gym I go to. So I've been doing more of their circuit classes. I burn like 800, 900 calories a class. It's done well. Very light on booze, if at all. I got some stuff I have to get through.

And I'm dry until then. But some personal goals and personal processes are going to go through. So, it's working. Just less. No Zempic. Look, you do what works for you. You talk to your doctor. I don't need it.

So, I need discipline. I need to not eat emotionally. That's me. So, that's my check-in. Now to you. Start with you. This is the meat of the walk and talk, like I said. Start with you and went in a hole.

Flies. So, start with you this helps you avoid the verses and the looky-loos in your life who are checking everybody else out and hoping for bad news

start with you personal inventory all the time how you doing it's a really big point for walking how are you doing how are you in your relationships are you focusing on what you want to are you being who you want to be at work, at home, with the kids, with the partner, with the friends, with the whoever. We all shape our own lives in different ways. There's no right and wrong in terms of the composition. But you have to decide what's enough, what's right, what's wrong, what needs fixing on the basis of your own values and determinations and choices.

So start with you. Don't worry about anybody else. It does not matter. It just doesn't because. Even if you're killing it. Compared to somebody else. Who is somehow relevant to you and everyone's telling you that. You can still feel like shit about yourself.

It can be meaningless. Or you could feel that. Your numbers this quarter. Or how could feel that your numbers this quarter or how you're doing with a particular personal situation or family situation is amazing based on where you started. But outwardly, it doesn't present that way to others. Again, start with yourself.

And to the extent you can, stick with yourself. Your own work, your own goals, your own guidelines. But I do really believe in wolfpacking it. I really do believe in having your people. And, you know, you don't have to share everything. You know, humans are weak. They gossip. They compare, even when they have the best of intentions.

But it's good to have people around you who motivate you in positive ways. It's good to have people in your life where you're like, man, I wish I did that like that. I wish I had done. That's good. It's good. Just don't make the mistake of wanting them to go down, of being jealous.

There's a reason they made that one of the deadly sins. In fact, when you look at the deadly sins, the original seven, pride, wrath, envy, greed, gluttony, lust, and sloth, when you look at all of them, on some level, they're all about how we are compared to somebody else. So, beware that, beware that. But start with yourself. Stay with yourself as much as you can.

Now, here's the second part of that component. And let me flag this right from the beginning. I stink at this. You are not going to get to a better place. You are not going to change behaviors or patterns as well if you have an inability to forgive yourself. Small, big, personal, professional shortcomings, not enough, mistakes, anger, whatever it is. And here's why. If you're like me, you get stuck up in up in the yeah but you did it and it was wrong

and you hurt her feelings you hurt his feelings you did this you did that and you can't get past to a place of so there's forgiveness but don't mistake forgiving with forgetting, or forgiving with erasing, or forgiving with minimizing what was done and what it means. No, no. Learn the lesson. Feel horrible about it. Let that motivate you into the next. But think about it in the context of other people. Why do we forgive? Forgive for you. Not for them. If you want to forgive for them, that's fine.

But you do it so you get to move past. That person is no longer living rent-free in your head or that torment that they are somehow attached to. You're able to process it and get past it by forgiving what it was. It doesn't mean that the original beef was wrong, the situation was wrong, or that, you know, you don't feel the same way, but it does help you move on and access new feelings and new dynamics. That's why we do it. That's why it's so important to do that. Grudges are toxic. Now look, easy to say, hard to do.

Right? I mean, you know, there's so many people who see, you know, me like losing my job and all the drama at CNN as if this was like the crucible of my entire existence. Man, I've been through lots of ups and downs, just like you. You know, I'm over 50 years old. I'm in a very dynamic business. I've had a very extreme life in a lot of different ways. So I've been experiencing this dynamic for a very long time. And I've been adulting and sucking at it for a very long time.

You know, I never really was very kid-like for very long. I've done a lot of juvenile things. Amateur things, immature things, but not necessarily because of how I was, you know, my stage. It was just how I decided to behave. So my point is this. You do it for other shant reasons. You do it for yourself for the same way. For the same reason. The same, there for the same reason, the same, there's the same methodology at play, which is, do you want to get to a better place? Now, maybe your answer, and mine often is, no, I don't. This sucked. I deserve for,

you know, my kid, work, whatever it is. Again, the context is irrelevant. But I deserve to be in the penalty box for whatever that is. I can't believe I binged like that. Oh, I knew I got my THC CBD mix wrong. And then 50 Intimates cookies later. Oh, I'm blowing my diet. We talked about that before. And how you don't want to compound the problem. And that really leads back to the same idea, which is you got to get over it so you can get to a better place using whatever it is. It doesn't have to go away. It's not,

okay, I'm going to pretend this never happened no it happened but use it to just stay stuck in that moment two things happen one there is no progress and two your chance of repeating the problem is much higher than if you go through a remedial process of of trying to find a remedy in it of trying to ameliorate the condition, make it better, do something with it. Make the problem into an opportunity. That's not just bullshit self-help talk. It is a legitimate tool. It's a device.

It's a mechanism. It's a process if you decide to use it. I'm suggesting that you do because when I do, it works. And I don't do it nearly enough now start with yourself self-forgiveness so you don't stay in the rut you don't keep repeating the dynamics the behaviors the choices the action the inaction that you hate in yourself. Very important. If you wonder, why do I keep fill in the blank? Well, you probably haven't dealt with the fact that you do it in the first place. And what does it mean? Why do you binge eat every night at 1145? What's going on

at 1145? Instead of hating yourself and then starving yourself the next day or doing whatever stupid thing you do or waking up and having pancakes because you like screw it i had the cake last night i might as well just throw in the towel until i find some reason for a reset some new starting point huge mistake huge mistake the time to start anything is right fucking now. That's the time to start. I'm going to start in the first. I'm going to start in, look, if it matters, start now. If it's how you start, well, I can't do exactly what I want, but what can you do? See, that's part of it. Why do we delay? We delay because we don't want to put in the work. And that takes me to the next big, big point. I like it.

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Okay, again, head to Factormeals.com slash Cuomo50. Use the code Cuomo50 and you'll get 50% off your first box and two free wellness shots per box while your subscription is active. Okay? The code is Cuomo50 at factormeals.com slash Cuomo50. You'll get 50% off your first box and two free wellness shots per box while the subscription is active. The Chris Cuomo Project is supported by Cozy Earth. Why? Because I like their sheets. That's why. A lot of people don't get a good night's sleep for a lot of reasons. One of the ones that you can control is bedding.

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Gets softer with every wash. I'm not kidding you, all right? Now, so if you go to CozyEarth.com and you enter the code, enter the code Chris, and you can get up to 35% off your first order. CozyEarth.com and the code is Chris. And you've probably heard this before, but not only is it bear repeating, but not only is it bare repeating, but it bears some real walk and talk. What is the first thing you do when you find yourself in a hole?

What's the first thing you do? You make sure that you stop digging. You make sure you do nothing to make the hole deeper. That's the first thing that you do when you're in a hole, even before you cry for help or try to climb out. You make sure that you don't make it any deeper. Beautiful metaphor. So powerful. So spot on. But I don't know about you, but I'm like part mole myself. I will dig that hole, man. Like I got claws growing out of my fingers and I will dig, dig, dig, dig. Denial, right? Defiance. Refusing to admit you're wrong.

Refusing to see a situation for what it is. Refusing to quit on a situation that demands adjustment. Somebody's just got to go. Something's just got to stop. Someone has just got to be spoken to. You just got to change it, whatever it is. Man, sometimes we fight that. Why? Change is hard. Very often, psychologically, we'd rather stay, you know, the devil you do, the devil you don't. All cliches apply, by the way. They have all come into our construct for a reason. They are familiarized in our culture for a reason. Okay? And something can be cliche, of course,

and be not really an example that is instructive in the moment, but it's just like a stereotype or a generalization, but they do exist for a reason. And very often they are worthy of note and mention and analysis and perspective and thought. So many times we would rather stay with the devil we know than risk the devil we don't. But I'll tell you what's flawed about that metaphor. You don't know that what you don't know and who you don't know is the devil. See, we're projecting the fear, the risk. Read your Kahneman and Tversky.

Kahneman and Tversky. The psychologists who won the Nobel Prize for Economics. Why? Because they showed how human beings are naturally risk-averse. $100 now or 50-50 chance at $1,000? What do you choose? A lot of people. Most people, according to their research.

$100 now. The math doesn't tell you that. The risk assessment doesn't tell you that. But for a lot of people, you take what you got. You play scared. You play scared. Well, what if you're just really desperate for 100 bucks? Okay.

Then that person's making the right choice because they need just $100. They need it right now and that's fine. But in terms of risk to reward, we play scared. We'd rather stay in a bad position than risk something getting worse. But you don't know what the something else is. You see what I'm saying? And that is something to think about for yourself. Am I making this hole deeper or am I trying to get out of it and that is the moment the moment that you decide in any crisis I got to stop making this worse I have to stop dwelling in what this is

and see how I can use it, how I can stop it how I can change it to the extent that I can now. Oh, that's easy to say. But brother, sister, that is hard to do. And I know that. Can I get amen? I give it to myself.

Amen. Amen. Because I live that wrong all day long. All day long. Hold that grudge. Get stuck in that feeling. That angst. That resentment.

Keep making the situation worse. By extension. By refusing to move past. To accept. To surrender. To the past is unchangeable. It's gone. And to past is unchangeable. It's gone.

And to motivate yourself into the now. Into the present. Into the next. So what now what? Remember I told you Norman Lear told me that. Didn't tell me. Told my brother-in-law who told me. When something happens.

There are only two questions to ask. So what now what? Now what that boils it down to is. Let's figure what this shit means that's happening right now. Oh we got to move. The job is moving us. We don't want to go. All right what does it really mean? What does the change really mean? What's the plus minus on it? And then once you figure out what it means what are you gonna do what's your plan why failing the plan dot dot dot is planning to fail all cliches apply it's just about how much and when so you stop digging the hole deeper stop playing in to the dynamic that makes the relationship toxic. Stop playing in to the behavior that you're receiving that you hate.

That brings out your worst as well. With your daughter, your son, your sister, your brother. You fill in the blankety blank. Easy to say. Hard to do. Oh, I know. I know. I keep saying the idea somebody stopped me and was saying oh you know i really like what you're doing now it's great you know how you're

helping no no no no no if it helps awesome i don't have answers i know a lot of the rules i know a lot of the ways i know a lot of the theories. I know a lot of the ways. I know a lot of the theories. But some of them, and I'm pretty honest about it with you guys. Why do I say pretty honest? Well, because that assumes that I'm being honest with myself about whatever it is, right? I'll give you an example of this. My point is I'm no guru. I don't have any answers. I've just done a lot of reading and a lot of living and a lot of trying and a lot of failing. But I'm struggling with this, my physical identity. That came out wrong. I'm talking about in terms of what is my exercise life about? Am I still an athlete? Should I be playing the sport more? Should I be more active that way? Should I be fighting more, sparring more,

doing more hands-on self-defense training than just technique? Should I be playing basketball again? Should I play more tennis? Should I go back to pickleball? Am I training to get bigger? Am I training to look a certain way? Like I'm really kind of lost with it. You know, I'm just training to train. I had done a cycle of heavier lifting and more eating to put on some mass just to kind of give me something to do that was somehow productive. And now I wanted to lose it. So I'm losing the weight, training differently, but like, what's it really about? The bodybuilding thing is not going to work for me. I don't, I don't want to do that. I'm not into that. I'm a go, not a show type person with everything. Um, you know, Ooh, that boat looks fast. Is it fast? You know what I mean? All that matters is, is that thing what it's supposed to be and

how it looks. So for me, my physicality has always been about capacity, what my body can do, what I can do with my body. That's not so true anymore. Certainly athletically. My son the other day was saying to me, hey, if you could dunk a basketball, why can't you dunk now? Because I'm old, man. And I don't jump. I don't do the explosive training. I don't play basketball. So he's like jumping and touching these things that are all up in the sky. He's like, can you touch this? Can you touch this? I'm like, no. And he's like, well, then how did you ever dunk? Nah, he's only 17. Small kid, but you know, there is something to having lived through it and understanding. I remember playing basketball and hearing guys say

to me, Hey man, take it easy. I got to go to work tomorrow. And I'd be like, well, what does that mean? Well, it was scary. It was like one of these black racer snakes was chasing after something right down into that hole. Look at this. Anyway, the point is, I struggle, okay, with all of these things that I'm talking to you about. I'm not saying I'm a step from rehab,

and you know how I feel about that. I'm all about doing things to make yourself better. If it works for you, great. But I'm not saying that, you know, I'm in distress. I'm just saying that, you know, I'm in distress. I'm just saying the stress is real. Life is pain management, right? Even the Buddhists believe that life is pain and how you deal with it and how you deal with suffering and struggle. That's why I'm talking about it so much here on the podcast. I believe it. So, you've got to stop creating the problem to try to solve the problem.

If you want something to be better, you've got to stop making it worse. You've got to stop making it what it is. You know, I have a buddy of mine. He gets a lot of speeding tickets. And it's like, slow down. You know, drive slower. If you know you're so worried about the legal fees and the this and the that and the points and the dad, slow down. Stop racing around all over the effing place. Simple, right? But not easy. Why? Because we want what we want. simple right but not easy why because we want what we want and we're self-destructive and we're selfish and we're weak and we're flawed and so many of the more poetical around us will say it

isn't at all beautiful now look I've read it I've thought about it I'm not, I'm not there. I'm not one at some point. I can't say that I'm someone who sees the beauty in the beast of it all. I don't, you know, I mean, even when I see like a shark tearing up something in the ocean or whatever, I'm like, isn't that just beautiful? The cycle of life. That's how it is. Like, I always feel messed up about it. And I see the victimization. Even though, you know, that's just how it is. That's what goes on. And I don't see the beauty in all of it. I really don't.

I hope you do. I think it's a tremendous gift of perspective. And you know how I feel about perspective. And it really is everything. So you get to this situation, all right, so avoid judgment of others, okay, tend to your own knitting, focus on yourself, okay, start there, surround yourself with people who are about what you want to be about, okay, got it, got it, got it, learn to if you give yourself okay that's good because that's the way you get to a better place and when you're in a hole first thing you make sure is stop digging

okay so if it's all so simple and hallmarky and postcardy and self-helping well why do we even need it ah what does what does that tell you? All this is not easy to do. Simple, not easy. And it is the repetition. It is reading different people's experiences with these dynamics, different ways, different modes of experience that can trigger better in ourselves. Absolutely. So that's why. Now look, what's the caveat? Well, especially if you're a self helper. DIY all day long, you got to do it yourself. You're the beginning and end of your fate and your future. Now, I don't believe in fate meaning it's going to happen anyway. I don't believe in that. I don't believe everything happens for a reason. I believe you have a choice to give a reason to everything that happens. But be careful about looking for the shortcut. I think there are lots of processes

and methods and mechanisms that much better minds than mine or students of the game have come up with. But the idea that you're a shot away from looking like a Kardashian if you're foolish enough to want that, and I do think it is, but that's another discussion. Then, you know, you're never going to look like that and you're never going to stay like that if you do find a way to look like that. Because the stuff that matters in life is hard and takes effort, takes consistency, and it takes constancy. There is no secret sauce. There is no magic. It's just not how life works. It's not how reality works.

So I've reached the point in this walk where I come to this old graveyard dating back way even before the Civil War and every time I come here I stop for a second close my eyes try to bury a behavior or dynamic or a situation that I can and I move on and I hope that that little practice makes it a little bit more present in me to think that way in terms of my choice structure going forwards so it's easy for me to think that way in terms of my choice structure going forwards. So it's easy for me to lay out recipes, reckonings, rules that will make things better. That's easy. You know, you ever look at a set of instructions on the side of one of these

kids' dollhouses? You know, when you go into Santa mode the night before? And, you know, it lays out there, 20 easy steps, assuming all the parts are there. But it ain't never that easy, man. This stuff never looks like it's going to look when it comes out of the box. Everything that matters is hard. Everything takes work. Now, I see shirts and memes online that say, well, I'll tell you what's is hard. Everything takes work. Now, I see shirts and memes online that say, well, I'll tell you what's not hard.

Attitude. Your choice of perspective. That it's easy to be kind. No, it isn't. What about when someone's an asshole? Now, first of all, who said you have to be kind to an asshole? Now, what you have to do is not be like the asshole. Marcus Aurelius, the greatest revenge is to not be like what you oppose.

Not be like what wrong was done to you. Don't practice what that person who wronged you practiced. That's a deep truth right there. But that's hard. And being kind is not always easy. And especially when kindness is most needed, which is, of course, when it's not being shown by another,

maybe even by you. And that's when it's hardest to do. Otherwise, you'd be doing it already. Attitude. It's not easy to have a good attitude. When life brings the pain, it's hard. And we are prone to feel sorry for ourselves. Self-protection, man. I'm hurting. I got to feel hurt. This world is eating me up. This wife, this husband, this partner, this friend, this sibling, this boss, this colleague, this whatever, they're doing me dirty. This is unfair. I have bad luck. It's all against me. The negative is everywhere and easy. Right?

This mofo was driving right at me with his little squirrel engine. Whatever. It laughs. Why? Why not? Feel sorry for yourself, but don't just feel that. See, that's the hard part. The hard part is the doing what needs to be done.

And it's easy to say hard to do, but you do have to know it. So my hope is that the value here is I want to get you to walk, which is really important, and an unqualified plus for you. Even if you're someone who trains, and you're like, I'm not like that 500-year-old Como. It's probably on roids. You know, I work out for real. I'm not walking around like some old fool. Wrong. You need recovery. Walking briskly is great active recovery.

Do a nice stretch afterwards. That's good for you. I don't care how much weight you're lifting there, Conan, or how active you peloton or your circuit training or rumble or whatever you're into much weight you're lifting there, Conan, or how active you Peloton or your circuit training, your rumble, whatever you're into, whatever you're doing. You got to mix it up. You got to bring intensity up and down.

So there are rules. There are better ways. There are techniques. There are processes. And if you know them, you got a better chance of using them. And that is my hope for you. Avoid judging others. Tend to your own knitting.

Be the company that you keep. Think about who you have around you. Start with yourself. Do inventories. very important for me i'm coming into a a very dynamic time for myself not to over dramatize it but it's very important for me to be focused to be emotionally uh cognizant aware of how i'm feeling and why. Using the tools in my life. Leaning on the people around me that I can. Doing my personal inventory. Did it before I started this. Self-forgiveness, not really

anywhere on that. But you know what? I'm playing myself for a sucker with that, and I know I am. I'm taking the easy way out of dwelling on how I suck and using it as an excuse to keep being that way. That's what I'm doing, and I know it. It gets tied up with self-loathing and a lot of other stuff that many of us deal with. It gets tied up with self-loathing and a lot of other stuff that many of us deal with. It's not unusual. What's unusual is being aware of it and wanting to deal with it. That's unusual.

So, and lastly, when in a hole, stop digging. But I didn't put myself in the hole. Somebody pushed me into it. Whatever. Then the stop digging part of the metaphor is, well, stop bitching that you're in a hole. Start figuring out how to get out of it. Then we can deal with the guy who did it when we get out.

So, I hope there's value in this. I hope there's value, first of all, for me, in the thinking, the organizing, the repeating, the articulating and communicating it. That in talking it through with you, hopefully it helps it stick a little bit more in this mass of melon on top of my neck. Mass of melon on top of my neck. And just as importantly. That it triggers something in you. To look at something a little bit more.

Read something a little bit more about something. Try something. Change your own state of awareness about something. Maybe even a practice or a behavior or a choice. Or a perspective. I hope it does. I always end the same way. Because I think it's one of the most important things you can tell somebody else.

Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself and try to take care of the people you love. I'll see you next time.