The Chris Cuomo Project - Walk and Talk: Thankless Tasks

Episode Date: September 28, 2023

Chris Cuomo discusses the importance of giving without expectation, and why helping others is its own reward, in this week’s Walk and Talk. Follow and subscribe to The Chris Cuomo Project on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube for new episodes every Tuesday and Thursday: https://linktr.ee/cuomoproject Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So, I have a horrible gifting experience or history with the missus. No matter what I get, I used to feel for years, for years, that it wasn't really appreciated. She didn't seem to like it. She brought it back. It wasn't the right one. Like, it wasn't the right one. And it started to, like, corrode that experience. That when it would come anniversary, birthday, holiday, gift-giving time, whatever,

I would have, like, a sense of dread. Like, oh, here we go again. And what I realized was, one, I was totally getting it wrong. Like, that wasn't her experience at all. It was me and what I was expecting back. And that that was a mistake. First of all, it was completely contrary to the stated purpose of the act, which was to make her happy, not me. And two, I wasn't even getting her reaction right. So when I eventually learned this,

like everything else, it took me so many more times than it should have to take you or any other reasonable person. I just realized that, look, it feels good either way. And leave it at that. I help somebody. That's a good and of itself. I leave it at that. I rarely tell anybody who I am. If I help, I feel like it's only going to create trouble or a potential lawsuit. And it's not important. It's not relevant. What's relevant is that you reach out and do what you can for people when you can.

Does that send out what some people believe is karma? Energy that's going to redound to your benefit, come back to you? I don't know and I don't care. I don't particularly believe in it. I can't disprove it either, but it doesn't matter. The giving is a good and of itself. There is no such thing as a thankless task except and unless you see all giving, all tasks, all help, all gifts,

all assistance as necessarily thankless. Because you shouldn't be doing it for the thanks. You shouldn't require it and you shouldn't need it. You know, the giving is what it's about. Got that one. The giving is what it's about. And that should have a sense of meaning and purpose and fulfillment. And this is the truth.

This is the truth. And it has existed this way for a very long time where this has been observed. Again, Jeremy Bentham, a philosopher, took it on in terms of the idea of there being no altruism, that people who do things, that there's probably some derived benefit from whatever they're doing. I think he's probably

right. And again, not that you can't do good things for other people, but that there is a reciprocal good in giving as well. It feels good to give, doesn't it? good in giving as well. It feels good to give, doesn't it? I mean, I know I definitely believe that. I feel that. See, the idea of a thankless task, good.

Tasks should be thankless. You're not doing it for the thanks. And you'll be more satisfied when you see it as an ending of itself. And you don't get caught up in the expectations of other people, the needs of yourself in that regard. Wean yourself off it. And here's a good way to do it. Give more.

Set up situations to be of help to people. Go out of your way to hold open a door, assuming someone's not going to try to cancel you for some kind of breach of etiquette or whatever perversity is going on these days where you are. But just go out of your way more often. Little things are fine. And just do them. And it doesn't matter if people are grateful and nice to you as a result. Great. But it's not what it's about. It's not required. And you'll see that the doing, the giving, the helping is enough. It's enough.

So don't get caught up in that dynamic of a thankless task as if, therefore, it's not worth doing. I mean, that's certainly true with parenting, right? You don't parent because of what you get back. That's for damn sure. 20 years in, I can tell you that. You do it because it's the right thing to do. And that that gives you a sense of satisfaction or a sense of making the effort, which to me is way more powerful than the result.

I have very little control over outcomes. It's cool. I love this time of year because people pull out their muscle cars. Although, interestingly, the old vintage muscle cars, I love them. And by the way, I don't see that as being at odds with all you much more aggressively environmental types because one as a fisherman and somebody who's in the outdoors a lot i obviously have a tremendous amount of respect and try to help any way i can and also i'll tell you about the old cars sure sure

they're gas guzzlers but i'm not buying a new car. I'm not even having parts made. I got to find everything for it. So I'm reusing. You had a car made for you. Who knows how much energy that takes. So remember that before you go bashing our cruise nights. But the irony is people love taking their cars out this time of year. And the cars, the old carbureted ones, especially hate this weather, and the cars, the old carbureted ones especially, hate this weather. They hate heat and humidity. The only thing that would be worse would be elevation.

They hate it. They love the fall better. They stay cool. They love the cool. But this is when we bring them out because we want to be cool as opposed to helping the cars feel cool. So look, quick review. It's a thankless task.

We know the expression it's toxic all tasks all gestures should be thankless you don't do it for the thank you you do it for the good in the giving and by doing so you lower your expectations your chances of disappointment where they shouldn't exist in the first place uh your need for it which shouldn't exist in the first place. Your need for it, which shouldn't exist in the first place, shouldn't be a part of the process. It's not helpful to you. And it allows external sources to influence the internal, which we want to cut down on at every turn.

So give, give freely, give of yourself. And yes, sure, you'll read and hear a million times that you'll get so much back. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. But don't forget, you'll read and hear a million times that you'll get so much back. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. But don't forget, the giving in and of itself has value to you. And that should be enough. All right, now I am getting bit up. But hopefully, I hope that you're able to feed on this as well. And it gives you something to think about when you're out walking. And hopefully you are smarter, although even if I'd sprayed the insect repellent, the green flies don't care.

So I'm going to keep walking. Maybe I can start running. Get rid of these flies. Hopefully there's something in this that you can think about because I know it's true and I know it's right. And I hope the practice of it can prove right and true for you in your own life. I really do. That's what Let's Get After It is about, trying to make the effort. That's all we control. Outcomes are largely out of our hands. But the attitude you bring into it

and what you tell yourself, you control if you're healthy enough to control your own mind and feelings. So, take it on the road, take it on the beach, take it in the woods. Support for the Chris Cuomo Project comes from PrizePix. I got to tell you, there's a reason PrizePix is America's number one fantasy sports app. Three million members. Why? Easy, plenty of action if you're into DFS.

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It's required. Plus, the price is going to vary based on product and subscription plan. So I got so sweaty, I like hit a button on the phone and stopped recording right in mid-thought. And I'd like to finish it because having reviewed it, this is a really important point. And forget about, you know, my gifting with my wife. The truth is, you know, she doesn't care about what I give her because she's really not about things. She's not an acquisitive person. Her wellness business purist is, you know, her thing, but it's really an ethos. And she's much more about experiences and interchanges than she is

things. Like, so that's the value. So I shouldn't even stress about what to get her because really all she wants are the basic things, which is time and attention and the right kind of demeanor and being there for what matters, right? So I shouldn't even really give a shit. But I do. Why? Because I'm insecure and I want to please and I want to be better and, you know, and it's frustrating.

Ah, why is it frustrating? Okay, now this is the big point that I wanted to finish. Because I want the pat on the back. I want the credit. I want the sensation of having satisfied, of having delivered, literally, of having done well. Jeremy Bentham, B-E-N-T-H-A-M, philosopher, utilitarian, largely, on altruism. There is no altruism. What is altruism?

Doing for others. Why? Because everything is self-serving. You give money to charity because it feels good to help those starving kids or dogs or whatever it is. There's plenty of need, right? You give people things because it feels good. Now, that happens to be true, by the way.

And it led me into this idea of the thankless task. Now, when we say, man, it is a thankless task being a parent. Why? Because you ain't getting no thanks. That's why. There ain't no thanks. These are some sponges you got around you, at least in the main frame of their development, right? Maybe later in life we'll get lucky.

I know I was very increasingly grateful to my parents and appreciative as I got older, right? I don't know. We'll see what happens with our brood. They're certainly going to be appreciative of their mother. With me? I don't know. It's an open question.

But it's a thankless task. All tasks should be thankless. Internally, it's okay to feel a sense of satisfaction that you helped the lady across the street. You did the thing. You did the good deed. You helped your buddy. Whatever it is. Whatever you're doing.

There should be a sense of pride in that. Yes, pride's a deadly sin. Pride comes before the fall, but not in all contexts. It's good to have a sense of satisfaction about you doing the right thing. Giving does feel good. And there's a whole set of psychological reference points for why that is. And you should look it up if you want. It's an interesting little study if you get the right material. Sometimes it's a little too deep, you know. But the idea of something being a thankless task,

everything I just said aside, it should be thankless. You shouldn't do things for thanks. You should do it because it is in line with your code, what you're about, what is needed, what matters. That's why. That's why I'm so dismissive of people being appreciative and expressing gratitude to me when we do things on the show or whatever it is. Some things you see, some things you don't see. Why? Because it's almost always easy for me to do. And if you can do it, you should do it. Being of help and service, I think, is one of the most fundamentally personally enriching things that there is. I've never felt anything that even comes close.

And for some reason, you know, I have such a strong sense of duty to my own that there's no thanks. I'm not getting it anyway, especially at home. But I do it because it's the right thing to do because you matter to me. So I'm doing it. I'm there for you. Want a friend? Be a friend. But when it's someone you don't really know, it's even more satisfying sometimes that you've just kind of

happened upon a circumstance or a person and made a difference. And whether they remember it or not, what difference it makes, you probably will. A thankless task is not a bad thing. What we're trying to say is this is going to be hard and there's not going to be a lot of upside. Welcome to life. Welcome to life, okay? This is not a return on investment situation. You're lucky to break even, right? We're all gonna die at the end of this thing. So it's not like you can beat the game.

What do you do with your time? If you're doing the right thing, if you're doing things to help people and that matters to you, that's enough. Whether they send you a note or they pay you or they say thank you in any other way, sure, but that's like gravy. All tasks should be thankless. You shouldn't need that in order to satisfy your appetite

for doing the right thing and for helping. That's the point I wanted to convey. Just giving my wife the gift, just giving them the thing or doing whatever is enough. If it mattered to them, it should matter to you. And that's it. You don't need them to return the favor. You don't need the attaboy.

You shouldn't need it. But we're simple and we're weak and we're flawed. And we like attention and affection and validation. It's part of our weakness. It's part of our need. It's part of our humanity. And that's okay, but see it. The way I tell you to see what is to be found in the judgment of others, instead of just closing it all out, see that in yourself. Why do you need, why is it not enough that you gave the guy a set of golf clubs? Why do you need him to send you a thank you note? Why are you upset that they didn't seem to truly regard your largesse enough to your satisfaction? Did you want to do it

for them or did you want to do it for you? You want to do it for you too, don't you? That's okay, but see it. See it. And now negotiate it within yourself. Okay? Oh, that's a big celebrity on the side of the road. They need help. I'm going to help them. And then they're going to give me tickets.

Just see what you're doing there. See what you're doing. You're not just trying to help somebody. You're trying to help yourself. Now, I believe that even when the action is completely generous and selfless, there is still great personal enrichment. And I am not, you know, I'm very, very slow to judge anybody else's motivations and judgments until they start affecting other people's rights and safety, you know, and what they deserve.

But the idea of this being a thankless task, get over that. Focus on doing what helps and what matters. And you'll know. And you'll know what matters and you'll know what helps. And that should be enough because it's going gonna feel good to you anyway. You shouldn't need it coming from the other side. This was about what you were able to do, what you were able to give. The getting is, you know, is in addition to that. Don't get caught up on it.

And I do, or I did. Now I just like, I like get off on being helpful. It's like what matters most to me. And sometimes like, I got to like check it. Like, I want to like tell people things. Like, I'll see him doing something. And I'm like, oh man, I did it like that once. And I tied it and that bike fell right off the truck.

And I want to say something, but sometimes you got to check yourself because, you know, people don't want you just coming into their life and telling them shit. You know, if they ask you for help, it's one thing. But look, I, you know, I was in my 69 Firebird the other day. You know, we've had that car over 25 years, got engaged in it. And it's got a weird electrical problem. I'm hoping it's the starter and I can't get to the starter because the header is in the way, the exhaust head. Anyway, this guy just randomly stops and is like, you want to jump?

And frankly, I didn't think a jump was going to work. I just bought this booster box and the booster box did nothing, which kind of pissed me off. But then I jumped the car with this guy and it worked, which then made me think maybe it is the battery, it's not the starter. But the point is,

the point is maybe it's not the starter, it's the battery. But now I really think it is a starter. The point is, he just did something nice. I kind of half caught his name, he half caught mine and he was gone. He just did it because that's what you do if you care about helping. That's what he did.

He didn't know who I was. I think he called me like two different names, you know, because I was like on the phone, I was distracted. And I don't think he heard what I said when I said my name. That's what you do. You do it because you think it's the right thing to do. That should be enough.

That was a thankless task. Now, I did thank him, but he was kind of like walking away. He like didn't, you know, he didn't have time for it. And that's okay. But see it in yourself and think about what that is. for it. And that's okay. But see it in yourself and think about what that is. And think about when you have that feeling of, I can't believe that he didn't like, you know, get my name tattooed on his forehead for what I just did for him. Just think about why do you need that? Why does that matter? What was it really about? And what is that telling you about where you're coming from?

A thankless task is not necessarily a bad thing, okay? And if you're gonna give somebody something, just give it, all right? The intent is to do something for them and that should be enough. Was this enough? You tell me. Chris Cuomo, thank you for subscribing and following. I'm sorry that this walk and talk was a little janky

because I screwed up the phone. That was a thankless task. Thank you for being with me. Thank you for giving me the chance. I'll check you out on News Nation. You check me out there as well, 8 and 11 p.m. Eastern, every weekday night. Be a free agent. Critical thinker. Take in information. Stay independent. Don't let somebody tell you how to think or how to feel. You determine that. It's your life. Take care of yourself and take care of the people you care about.