The Chris Voss Show - The Chris Voss Show 195 Kalliope Barlis, Phobia Relief: From Fear to Freedom

Episode Date: April 25, 2018

Kalliope Barlis, Phobia Relief: From Fear to Freedom

Hi, this is Chris Moss here from thechrissmossshow.com, thechrissmossshow.com. Hey, we're coming here with another wonderful podcast. We certainly appreciate you guys tuning in. You guys are the greatest audience in the world, especially those who listen to the end of every show. And we certainly appreciate you. Be sure to refer the show to your friends, neighbors, dogs, cats, pool boys, mistresses. Get them all listening to the show because God knows we need more listeners.

And, you know, it doesn't hurt, really, when it comes down to it. It won't hurt a bit. You won't have to go to the hospital or anything. Trust me. So, anyway, be sure to tell them to go to YouTube.com. Of course, that's Chris Voss. Go to Google Play, iTunes, and subscribe to the show, if you will, on YouTube. Hit that bell notification button as well.

You can see some of the upcoming reviews we're doing on the Chris Fosch Show YouTube channel, and you can also see the cool new Siberian Husky puppy that we have. So be sure to watch the vlog videos of the puppy. Can't be puppies when it comes down to it. I have an exciting, wonderful guest with me today. You're going to learn a lot of cool things from her and probably get rid of some of your phobias. It is Calliope Barless, and she is an author of a wonderful book we'll get to. She started out as a weekend golfer, and within two years, she became a pro golfer. When she realized that wasn't her calling, she began using the same skills to promote

well-being in others. Since then, she has guided thousands of people to overcome their irrational fears and bad memories. She is the author of the best-selling books, Play Golf, Better, Faster, and Phobia Relief, From Fear to Freedom. She is in the process of creating a documentary of people overcoming their fears. You can check out our website at buildingyourbest.com. Welcome to the show, Kelly. How are you? Good, good, Chris.

Thanks so much for having me. Thanks for coming on board. So give us the rest of your plugs if there's more. People can look you up on the interwebs there. Right. So they can either go to

buildingyourbest.com or nlp.nyc. It's not.com. It's a new domain name,.nlp.nyc it's not.com it's a new domain name dot nlp.nyc and uh you can find my books on amazon barnes and noble and uh cool ready cool so uh you you do a lot of nlp let me start out with calliope what what's the basis for that name or where it's what's its origin because i've never you know that's the most unique name in or what's its origin? Because I've never, that's the most unique name in the world, which has got to be great for your Google SEO.

That's right. And in fact, I'm one of the few Calliopes that ever shows up. It's just me and the organ in the center of a merry-go-round. I wish it was me in competition for name recognition and a Google SEO. So you wrote this book. You deal with phobias. I was just watching one of your videos earlier about you being in Times Square and helping people with their phobias just right on the spot and stuff like that. Let's talk about you and what got you into this. Well, I was playing golf many years ago professionally. And when I realized that wasn't my calling, that my life was worth more than just chasing around a little ball around a golf course, I started using the same skills that my coach used with me to get me to a pro level. but instead he taught me how to aim my brain so it was literally seeing the ball fly to where I wanted it to go seeing it land on the green roll into the hole hear the sound of the club face striking through the ball and feeling how light you play the game and hit the sweet spot

and so within the first six months of playing, I got like six holes in one. Wow. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Everybody else was saying, you know, just hit four feet around the hole because you're not going to get it in anyway. Wow. Yeah, so it was basically setting a destination, seeing it, hearing it, and feeling it.

So it wasn't just about visualization, but it was about a full sensory experience. Yeah, a lot of golf is muscle memory, I think, really, when it comes down to it, right? Well, and really, ideally, the memory starts in the brain because the brain connects to everything inside your body. And so when you remember the shot, your muscles know what to do and so yeah yeah so it's basically remembering the good shots and if they

didn't go so well to actually look at the shot and intuitively think of what could have gone wrong so that you can do it better in your mind amplify thatplify that so that next time you have the same situation, you can do more of that. We used to have this saying when I used to golf where whenever you did a perfect shot, we'd always say, remember what you did wrong. Right. And, you know, I'm not sure how that helps to lower your score.

That's probably the opposite of what you're supposed to do. That's right. That's right. So, you know. I used to joke about that. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, joking around about it is one thing. But to, because what happens is the brain is only going to do what it thinks.

It doesn't know the difference between what it sees, what it imagined and what it does. It's all like perceived as the same. So if you tell someone, you know, don't get the ball into the, into the water. Well,

they don't hear the word don't. And they'll only see the ball go into the water. Yeah. The brain will tell it to. Yeah. What you focus on is what you get. There's some really simple principles that go into our brains, and they're kind of like little R2-D2 machines that it's like,

what did you want us to do? Okay, we'll do that if that's what you want. That's right. It's like, what did you want us to do? Okay, we'll do that if that's what you want. That's right. It's like a GPS. If you put in an address, it'll take you to the exact address. But if you were to put in somewhere, who knows where it would go. Yeah. And so in your book, you deal with NLP and you deal with, I guess,

phobias and stuff like that. You've helped a lot of people with phobias. I was watching the video of you talking about a gal who had a phobia of clowns, which I guess a lot of people do. I still have never been able to put those two together. I grew up with a very wonderful memory of clowns, and then later I saw those It movies. I suppose if I'd seen the It movies first,

I would be afraid of clowns because that was scary. But some people just are inherently, I guess, afraid of them or something. And so you were talking about how a gal was walking down the street with her baby in a stroller, and she saw a clown, and she literally ran off and abandoned the baby. She was so locked into fear. Yeah. Yeah, and that's about the worst-case scenario I've ever heard of. ran off and abandoned the baby. She was so locked into fear. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's about the worst case scenario I've ever heard of. And I think you hit it spot on. Yeah. That for her, too, it was the It movie. And because it left such an impression on her mind, it was a great big picture that remained big as she grew up into an adult. And so when I had her shrink down, and I made her think, I was like, you know, think about it. This guy has like some of the worst makeup ever. How could you feel anything quite like that?

Yeah. Like most times I have pity for them. Like seriously, this is what your high school guidance counselor told you to do right yeah you need to go back and talk to them because you got screwed yeah yeah so you know it it's it's really like when people fear anything it's usually a great big picture inside of their mind about it like when i was golfing i'd create great big pictures of the target but when something makes people fear unreasonably i have them shrink it down and then build in a better response of how they'd rather be so this lady

ended up being able to hang out with her kids at the circus have a good time dressing up like a clown for halloween so um she ended up giving, and it took us like 20 minutes to do. Wow. And you can overcome your fears and phobias that quickly. I have phobias of phobias. Can you fix that? I'm afraid of all fear. Fear but fear itself. And I can scare the fear out of you, I'm afraid of all fear. Fear but fear itself.

And I can scare the fear out of you, I'm sure. Well, I don't know. I think I have a phobia of Donald Trump. Every morning I wake up and I see giant orange hair. Maybe it's the size of it that's scaring me. I need to shrink it down or something like that. Shrink it down or something like that you know it's like the beautiful thing about our American policy and in government is

that it's only gonna last four years and if the worst eight years so at some point it's gonna change I said the first four marriages so let uh let's get into technical details of this what's the difference because i'm sure my audience is thinking this what's the difference between fear and a phobia so a fear is a good thing to have if it's going to keep you safe yeah so for instance if someone goes out to australia and goes in the bush, you don't want to be around the snake. Yeah. Because most poisonous snakes are in Australia. Yeah.

Let's face it. Tell us about your personal marriages. Oh, my God. All right. Well, there's some beautiful snakes, too. I mean, whether they're men or women. Beautiful snakes. They bite you 50% and leave. but I don't know. I'm just doing jokes. So, but I get people to the point that if they go to a birthday party and someone's hired a handler who's got domestic snakes to join in on the fun so that they feel comfortable around.

You know, I've heard this description of snakes by handlers saying that, you know, they have two personalities. They either just want to hide from you or they want to be pet like a dog. You know. My first four marriages. Oh, my gosh. Well, I hope the next one is a lot better for you. I'm out of money now, so I'm sure there will be more.

I'm just kidding. So that's a fear. If I have a fear of like, okay, I need to be careful. You know, like I have to worry with my dogs about ticks or fleas, and I have to check them every now and then. And, yeah, I don't like those. And I kind of have a fear of them. I have a fear of terrorists. I don't want to ever them every now and then. And yeah, I don't like those. And I kind of have a fear of them. I have a fear of terrorists.

I don't want to ever be blown up or shot. So what's the difference when we move from a fear to a phobia? So a phobia is one that's really unreasonable and irrational and that just holds you back from doing the things that you want to do. So in the case of this lady who had a fear of clowns, she never went to the circus with her kids. She wouldn't allow her kids to dress up like clowns for Halloween. I mean, just imagine being afraid of your own kid just because he's dressed up like a clown. It's totally irrational. That child is never going to cause her any harm. So it's when these fears really just prevent us from living the life we deserve.

And that's wasting a whole lot of time instead of doing the sorts of things that are really important. Because, you know, people who fear, they'll spend, if they spend 10 minutes a day, that's upsetting. Because then that turns into thousands of hours into a lifetime. And when you think about what you can be doing instead, like having a good time with your family, walking your dog, just smiling at people randomly, you know, and just enjoying every moment for no reason at all, then life just becomes better. Yeah. And phobias can become very paralyzing because we tend to repeat them and focus on them and spend a lot of time dwelling on them. They become all consuming when it comes down to it and very crippling, right?

Yes, absolutely. In fact, I've seen people crippled by fear where they just can't even get up from their seat inside their house because they think that if they move, someone's going to see them from outside and want to do something. And yeah, you know, it just gets ridiculous. And when I get people to start laughing about it on some level, then they're open to the change. Wow. Yeah, yeah. That's an interesting sign. Yeah, yeah. So that's one of the first things we do is get them to laugh about what they actually fear. Do hoarders suffer from a phobia, a fear of loss or collecting?

Yeah. Well, you know, it's the hoarders who, it's a couple of reasons. One, some of them just grew up in poverty and they're afraid that if they give up anything, then they'll have to buy it again. So they end up keeping it. Another one is just they like the company and replace it for human beings. But it's always individual. The reason each hoarder would keep their stuff in one place.

Yeah, that's always been an interesting phobia. I grew up with a father who was a hoarder, and he would collect just all sorts of junk. And we'd always tell him, you know, we'd be driving along. We grew up poor, but we would drive along, and he'd see, like, a ski sticking out of a trash can. He'd be like, hey, go grab that ski. And we're like, Dad, there's only one. You need, like, the pair.

And he's like, we'll find the other pair eventually in one of the garbages. I mean, he was such a collect or an order of stuff and he literally filled our garage and our in our back shed? With just junk this junk that he'd never used but he collected And so hoarding and my sister became a hoarder as well. I uh really acquainted with the hoarding element um the uh yeah i've seen fear be and phobias be really crippling um people suffer from like anxiety you know and i know with anxiety they repeat and and and circulate um their their fear their or or what they're feeling. Is that a phobia with people that are having high anxiety and stuff? Well, when they feel the fear, they tend to feel the anxiety.

And what really anxiety is, is they keep breathing in and breathing in and breathing in, but never breathe out so that there's nowhere for the air to, to, to keep containing itself. They keep going, you know, this sort of thing. And so if you get someone who's anxious, if you just start telling them to breathe in and breathe out rhythmically, well, they can't be anxious anymore and they'll just begin to soften. Yeah. That's really the point where you can get them to the point where you can knock some sense into them. Yeah. I went years ago,

I had really bad ADD and ADHD pretty much all my life, but it really peaked when I started our first two businesses. And I remember going to the psychologist and saying, you know, I'm thinking about all this stuff and it's driving me mad. And he says, you know, you're probably thinking about the same thing every day at the same time. You know, the same topics every day at the same time. Like 11 o'clock, you're thinking about this fear thing that you have. And I'm like, no, you're an idiot. He goes, no, trust me. He goes, why don't you go home and keep'm like, no, you're, you're an idiot. He goes, uh,

he goes, no, trust me. He goes, why don't you go home and keep a journal? See what you think. Son of a gun. He was right at 11,

you know, at every hour, every couple hours I had a different phobia. Well, it wasn't a phobia. It was an anxiety thing, a topic or whatever. So I'm not sure if it's a phobia.

That's what I'm asking you. But, um, I would, I would replay that thing every day at the same time. And literally my brain has a schedule all day long of, well, it's 11, time for a new phobia. Well, it's 1, time for a new phobia. Not phobia, anxiety.

So is anxiety like that a phobia-based sort of thing? Or what do you think well if someone has a phobia they can certainly get the anxiety right really they're both just feelings and how you define them is really up to the person who's experiencing it what fear normally does is make people sweat. It makes people breathe heavy. It makes people run. You get the fight and flight sort of experience. But there are also times that you want to run to keep yourself in safety. I was walking down a parking lot one day and saw some shady character dip behind a concrete wall.

And I thought, you know what? I'm not hearing any car slam door, any door slam shut. And I don't hear anybody urinating. You know, I better just turn around and run the other way. So that was, I don't know if it saved me from an unpleasant experience, but I'm here to talk to you about it today.

So, yeah. So, and, and, me from an unpleasant experience but i'm here to talk to you about it today so yeah so and and and anxiety you know that's just an uncomfortable feeling that really can be created by anything not just fear it's interesting so where do where most of our phobias form? Do they form in our childhood or they form any time in our lives when we establish a connection or basis to a certain topic? Oftentimes, it's by seeing moving pictures, like

in movies. They are such great big pictures on a screen. These days, the sounds are so surround sound and in Dolby that it leaves quite an impression yeah and other times it's watching mom or dad do the behavior and as far as I understand that only comes from them seeing it there's no gene for an inheriting a fear of snakes. Yeah. Okay. So if a child is guided, because look, Chris, most of the time, I don't even ask people where, when, and with who it all started because I don't care. For me, that only reinforces the fear.

What I want to know is how they're thinking about it. What's the size of it inside your mind? Because someone can look at a spider on their cell phone screen and jump 10 feet back. Okay. It's not the size of the cell phone screen. They see that spider jumping out at them to fear it. And that's an imagination that's making fear happen. It's not the actual spider. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I mean, I've had some girlfriends that they have lost it when they've seen a spider or a bug or a cockroach. Just ultimately emotionally lost it. Just like, I mean, I understand, you know, you're

upset about it, but, you know, the point that the fear becomes crippling is not good. Yeah. And you know what? It's one of the most popular fears here in New York City, the cockroach. And it's like whenever I ask someone how big the cockroach is, they say it's the size of a football. It's the size of a football and i'm like wow i i have never seen a cockroach the size of a football but that's how big it is inside their mind and so it's an australian freaking cockroach that's right and you know god forbid it flies even

you know but the size of a football chew off your leg or something in your sleep you know exactly um and they they i have them remembered that all you need is a pair of stilettos with a pointy tip and you just corn and smash them and that's the end of it yeah you know um burn them with fire i just burn the whole house down. No more cockroaches. Kill them with fire. You know, I can see what you mean in movies. I remember as a child, I went and saw the movie Jaws. That was in the 70s when it came out.

After that, I was paralyzed with fear over there being sharks everywhere. In fact, I would take a bath. I would be in the tub, and I'd be freaked out that somehow a shark would crawl up the pipe and be in the thing. That's how irrational my fear was. My friend's parents had a pool. And so we constantly would just i mean we live in the pool pretty much especially during the summer um and i remember just always just paranoid and and and paralyzed with fear that there would always be you know a jaw shark in the pool

you know saying when you think about it now you just like, what an idiot sort of thing. But it paralyzed me. Actually, it's not being an idiot because you actually learned something really well. You saw the movie and some part of you memorized it. But then on top of memorizing it, you evolved it with your imagination, which in some ways is what progress is all about, right? It's taking something and evolving it with your imagination. Which in some ways is what progress is all about, right? It's taking something and evolving it with your imagination. But in this case, it was evolved where a shark came up from the plumbing into your bathtub and shower, right?

So in reality, that didn't happen in Jaws. And trust me, you're not the only one this happened to because I think like people in Kansas that were like thousands of miles away from a pond or even anything like that suddenly had a fear of water you know so it just proves how smart you were to learn

that you know sharks are to be avoided but it just didn't mean everywhere that there's water in places where they are they say when jaws came out in 78 i think it was 77 78 that that week the beaches were empty hey i believe it you know i i remember being underneath my chair. Yeah, so I mean, I suppose, what are the steps to recognizing a phobia and dealing with it, I suppose? Well, the first is to realize that whatever it is that you fear is irrational and that you want to get over it. That it's preventing you from doing the sorts of things that you love to be doing,

like being a more loving spouse or a cooler parent and going out with and just enjoying life. So once you get to that threshold point where you're just sick of it, have a look at, you know, ask yourself, when I think about it, what size is it? Is it life size or bigger than life? And if it's bigger than life, just close your eyes in a quiet, safe place and shrink it down to the cell phone screen and blink it white. But then remembering that whenever it is that you are in a place where you're at a height, that you stay safe from the edge so that you can just enjoy the scenery instead of being afraid of it. Because it's like the people who fear the heights, they just see themselves jumping off. Yeah, they do.

Yeah, that's right. You know, it's like seeing the shark come up from the bathtub. You know, it's the imagination running wild. So when I have them think about feeling comfortable around what they feel, it sets a direction. It makes the change progressive.

Yeah, I do. I do have that fear I struggle with for years of heights and looking over like high up balconies I've tried to control it as much as I can but I get triggered really bad with eyes and I don't I don't I don't like worry about it much but if i'm at the top of a tall building and i try and push myself and and go stand at the edge and try and just just just rock it hold it there um and sometimes that helps uh it overcome it but sometimes my head will spin i've gotten pretty good with with what's going on in my brain since I discovered Zen and Eckhart Tolle. That's kind of helped me pull into the power of now

where I can focus on now instead of being controlled so much by my subconscious. But yeah, controlling your phobias is a huge thing because your brain just runs amok with some of this stuff. And a lot of people don't realize that they're even under the power of it. Yeah, that's right. And because the brain is designed to keep things familiar, often sometimes people don't even realize just how much of an impact it's having

because that's their comfort. And so when I have people, in fact in this is the reason i wrote my book so from freedom which guides people through a step-by-step process not only to shrink the fear but to actually either take the first time they had the fear or the most impressionable time. And reverse it very quickly. And then when they get to the beginning, turn that way. And then start building a new movie that they see themselves being comfortable,

see themselves laughing at what they're used to fear. Because it actually changes the charge inside their mind to make them feel better. Let me ask you this. Do people in relationships have phobias that, you know, sometimes end up destroying relationships? Well, sure. I see it all the time. And, you know, whether it's a man or a woman, there are assholes out there and some that are not. But the truth is that if you think someone's going to dislike you and they don't think you're pretty or you don't think that they think you're handsome,

then chances are it's probably a good idea to start seeing yourself a little differently so that you become a better person. You become a more fun person that people want to be happy around. So, yeah, you know's it's really that simple it's it basically works the same way as like with public speakers most public speakers hear it because they see people judging them you know instead of being interested in the value of what they have to say yeah you know so it works the same in a relationship if you think you have something to

offer that person and you're of value for being with them and you become a better person a happier more cheerful person that people want to be around well that's just what's going to happen yeah i remember years ago i had a girlfriend that uh i i guess now looking back maybe it was a phobia and maybe i should have had it looked into by the time it was so weird to me and bizarre i never had anybody uh trigger that way but she used to she she used to say that all of her boyfriends had cheated on her and she would wake up like almost daily she would wake up, from a dream of me cheating on her. And this is, it was really bad in the first month that we were together.

She would wake up from her dream of me cheating on her and be just so angry about it. And there was two times she actually woke up and punched me in the arm. It's amazing when men let women get away with physical violence like that but uh she angrily punched me there twice just waking up just just and then sometimes she'd just be like don't talk to me and she'd just be so angry from the dream and it would be so real in her head and it was for a lot for like a month or two it was like almost daily and um and i imagine

that was a phobia is that correct well what was happening is that she was believing what she was dreaming instead of believing you for who you are yeah and basically you know if in the past she was weak and you know quite honestly i tell women this all the time, that if they're going to act like prey, they're going to be prey. Okay. But if instead what she was doing is believing what she was imagining instead of truly being with you and for who you are. Yeah. And living, she was instead living in the past, which I tell people all the time, the past is over.

Yep. And all you have is now, and whatever decision you make now determines your future. Yeah. So then, you know, had she been a lot kinder to you and say, you know, I've got this problem, I keep imagining this crazy shit going on inside my head. You know, I'm so sorry.

Isn't that really funny? You know, and you would have turned around and said something like, yeah, you know, I would never do that. So, um,

let's get on with life and have a good time. Yeah. So, you know, it's, it's, it's really too bad that people take too seriously what's going on inside their own heads and not seeing people who they really are it was one of the factors that ruined the

relationship i got i've seen this with my one friend who got married to a gal who'd been married four times uh and and she'd been cheating on so much that he couldn't even i mean he if he glanced that a woman it was hell to pay um but the girlfriend that i had uh and and his wife did the same thing they literally drove us so crazy for a good year year and a half accusing us of cheating that you finally start going i might as well just cheat because as far as she's concerned i'm a cheater and you know i I'm just so sick of being accused of something. I don't do that. I just could do it And I wanted off and started a new relationship with somebody else I cheated out of that relationship and then she was all happy because she got the self-fulfilling prophecy of all my boyfriends cheat on

Me and I'm like you're really working that belief system way too hard and you're driving people and actually self self-pro prophesizing and self fulfilling that that thing you have but yeah it was interesting to me it was it was really ruining to the relationship to be constantly having her you know that every morning would be ruined she would wake up just angry at me and don't talk to me I'm like I didn't do anything what yeah yeah sure that's right but that's that's an example of how crippling phobias can really destroy your life and and and of course bring self-fulfilling prophecy you know people go oh I knew

that was gonna turn out bad well you kind of helped it and that's right and and um you know it's she had set a destination for her exactly yeah you nailed it and and instead of setting a destination of seeing herself happy with you and building a future you know uh because here's what happens when, I know it happens to guys too, but with women sometimes they see all the men right here in front of them that ever messed with them instead of putting it behind them so that they can have a clear picture of who's in front of them. Yeah. Right. And so it's really a disservice to you and to themselves yeah and it's hard to start over and like you say it's not it's not susceptible to anyone's sex i mean all of us have fears uh and and cripples and phobias and issues certainly

all have a lot of issues never- ending pool of that going on in this world. Well, and you know what, Chris, I think to myself, you know, my, my brother passed away many years ago and I had the good fortune of being

there for his last breath, which made me realize that, you know, the currency of life or moments and how you spend them is entirely up to you. We just don't know how many we get. And so to spend life, you know,

we always have a choice. Are we going to spend life being happy and kind to others? Are we going to spend life, you know, developing our issues? So, and it's always a choice and the decision can be made at any time to change who you are when you change how you think.

Every day is extra. Every day is an extra day. You know, I was complaining about when I turned 50 and some people put me in my place and said, you know, there's a lot of people that would really love to be 50, but they'll never get to 50 because they're not here anymore. So probably you should just shut up and enjoy it. And that kind of put me in my place and made me realize that how important it is. You know, it's interesting to me. I thought over the years I'd overcome a lot of my fears, anxieties, and issues. I turned 50 and realized that I still had glaring problems with me and my life and my brain, how it was working.

And it's a constant struggle through life to control this brain and to get it to do what you really want it to do in a positive sense that's going to improve the quality of your life as opposed to crippling you. And it's sad we don't teach more of these techniques in education when people are younger on how to use their brains. I mean, it's the last thing we teach people. I mean, I suppose we teach them a little bit of psychology, but so much of what we teach is just kind of theory of psychology and the variations of it. We don't really teach people, here's how you use your brain. And that would be a great class to take and have. Absolutely. I totally agree with you. And actually, eventually I'm going to have a foundation where I get this stuff into

the school system, or if not into the school system, develop an afterschool program that teaches kids how to make their brain a friendly place. Because by definition, a problem has a solution. And instead of thinking of problems as problems, they can be thought of as doorways into new realities. Because let's face it, any challenge, any problem is truly a challenge that we can grow from and and it's embracing that aspect of life so that whatever you do now you know tomorrow will only be better yeah the uh i suppose one thing about phobia is there sometimes people push them on each other bully other people with them and it becomes abusive and pushes people away I know there's times where I've probably done that with

my phobias and and and sharing isn't fun when it comes to that sort of stuff and it's interesting how we go through life and and we we kind of push our scars on other people around situations that we get into. And that ends up ruining situations because we're not in control of what we're really doing. We're not really seeing what we're doing. We're just kind of operating on autopilot. And it can really be damaging,

especially across your life and your relationships and business and personal, et cetera, et cetera. You know, Chris, I believe it's all about brain chemistry and what the brain is familiar with, what it feels because it's like the people who drink when they stop drinking, suddenly they have to create a new social life for themselves because all of

their friends drink. And now that they're not drinking the friends are like what do you mean you're not having a drink you got to be kidding me like come on have one you know they want you to drink people who drink and so um you know i have them build a new social life for themselves. You've got to think about what you really want here. And so it comes the same with wanting people to be the same, that it's okay that people are different, and really we're unique to ourselves as we are our fingerprint. And that's just the way it is.

And embracing someone for who they truly are and learning from their stuff so that you can become a better person. And, you know, that's what it's really all about. And, you know, Chris, there are times in life that, you know, feeling bad is too familiar. I've been to nearly every comedy school here in New York City and no one laughed not the people telling the jokes not the audience and I was like okay what kind of school is this you know why isn't anybody laughing and the teacher said well that's because people look for the worst and I said to her well you know what I believe people are truly optimists because they want to be in love they want to have a happy life it's just that they're going towards what's familiar when you make a decision to break no so that you can start building in new

feelings new brain chemistry because I mean look let's put it this way Chris just for a moment just think of a happy time in your life where you felt exquisite. I'm not sure I had any happy times in my life. Oh, good. Hey, but you're laughing now. Yeah, you were when I was drinking. Hey, but you're laughing now and you're not drinking and you're sharing some good news with your audience here. So there you go. In just a moment, you changed your whole attitude, okay, within seconds, just because I said something and then you said something

and we both batted back and forth with each other. And so which proves that you can change how you feel at any given moment. Definitely, most definitely. I mean, people, there's so many people that go through life on autopilot and sometimes they have so much stimuli going on that it's hard to stop and go wait what's going on with my life right now you know they're chasing kids they're chasing spouses they're you know doing the work thing and chasing a job and trying to keep their employer happy and make a paycheck

and debt money and blah blah blah and all the things that we have to deal with in our lives. And sometimes they just get a real lockstep and they, you know, they go through life with all their fears and anxieties and they wake up one day and it's over and they realize they probably missed a lot of it. One thing I noticed when I had really bad ADHD and the cyclical things where I was just repeating everything in my head all day long. I mean, I was at the point where I was checking the doorknob every night like 12 times before I go to bed. And I'd be like, did I check the doorknob?

And you're like, you've gone 10 times. You've checked the doorknob. What was that last night or was that this night? Your brain just messes with you. And it's crippling. And it takes away so much from life you miss some of the great things in your life uh of what's going on and and it goes by you and you've got to capture those moments as best you can really yes we do and you know instead of chasing life chasing life, I've heard people say, what if you just start walking step by step and embracing all angles by which you see? Because let's put it this way. We were beautifully designed to put one foot in front of the other so that we could develop a pace step by step. We don't hop with two feet forward but otherwise we'd be moving

around too slowly and and clumsy and we certainly don't walk backwards to places because that would probably be even worse if people do it all the time inside their heads but if instead of chasing things you're actually moving and swimming through gravity so that step by step you can enjoy whatever is going on because you know what it's going to happen anyway okay why chase it why not develop a pace it's like you played golf you know you can't i mean if people did cocaine on the golf course that probably wouldn't be a very good game. You know, it's like the speed that they'd be playing at, they'd be able to focus. But instead, you know, it's those, you know, a lot of golfers, they drink cow milk to slow down their heart.

You know, because they know that by establishing a rhythm and pace, that they're more likely to get to their target. And it works the same way in life. Most definitely. Most definitely. Well, everyone check out Calliope's book. Give me that book and your links again, Calliope. Right. So it's Phobia Relief from Fear to Freedom. And I've also written two books about golf and how to lower your score a lot quicker. It's called Play Golf Better Faster. How to go from weekend golfer to pro golfer in just two years. Nice.

Yeah, I've got the big book. And then I've got a little book that you can keep in your golf bag book. Here's the phobia relief book. Here's the Play Golf Better Faster book. Everyone check it out. Here's the phobia relief book. Here's the play golf better faster book. Everyone check it out. It's on Amazon. I'll be looking of course for a book for golfing

called How Do I Get My Clubs Back Out of the Lake? Start swimming. Get some scuba gear. When it got to the point that I was breaking them over my kneecaps, and you're like, that was expensive and custom, Calloway. Maybe you should find another sport. But be sure to check out her books, guys.

We certainly appreciate her coming by and sharing some good data with you. She shares some great information, and be sure you stop and take a look around at what's going on in life and what's going on in your head. I think that's really important because life goes quick. It passes you by, and you miss a lot of the time you spent with your loved ones. Anyway, thanks to my wonderful audience, especially those of you who listened this far. We certainly appreciate you guys the most.

You guys are the best audience in the world, so thanks for tuning in as always. Be sure to refer to your friends, neighbors, relatives. Go to Google Play. Go to YouTube.com. Of course, that's Chris Foss. Hit that bell notification button. So you get all the notifications of the new shows and the new puppy shows as well.

There you go. And also go to iTunes so you can subscribe there as well. Thanks to Calliope and everyone for tuning in. We'll see you guys next time.