The Chris Voss Show - The Chris Voss Show Podcast – A Cup of Tea on the Commode: My Multi-Tasking Adventures of Caring for Mom. And How I Survived to Tell the Tale by Mark Steven Porro

Episode Date: September 13, 2023

A Cup of Tea on the Commode: My Multi-Tasking Adventures of Caring for Mom. And How I Survived to Tell the Tale by Mark Steven Porro https://amzn.to/3RgU1rN Mark enjoyed his carefree bachelor��s life in Los Angeles. He had no steady girlfriend, no children, few responsibilities outside of work. But that all changed when “The Call” came. Genevieve, his eighty-nine-year-old mother, was on her deathbed. He rushed back to New Jersey to be by her side. Hours became days, days became weeks, then she woke up. So, he moved back into his childhood home and took over her care. His first task was to remove all hazards, which included the current caregivers. After, Mark asked his mother, “Do you trust me?” She whispered, “Yes.” “Do you understand I will do everything in my power to keep you healthy and safe?” She smiled and nodded. “That means I’m in charge, and that means now you must obey me.” Her mood shifted in an instant. She looked him dead in the eye, then puckered up her lips. He wasn’t sure if this was a sign of surrender or one wishing him luck. He kissed her and hoped for the best. The parent/child role reversal may not have been unique to Mark, but how he dealt with it was. One day, hoping to make Genevieve’s time on the commode a tad more pleasant, he offered her a cup of her favorite beverage. It was a hit, and a cup of tea on the commode became a staple on the morning menu, and the clear choice for the title of this intimate, funny, and heartwarming memoir of how eldercare can be done. A Cup of Tea on the Commode chronicles Mark’s multitasking adventures of filling his mother’s last years with love, laughter, and joy. Though not always successful, he came pretty damn close.About the Author “This author weaves his stories together, employing a wickedly humorous skill not unlike that of David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs” Mark Steven Porro, a New Jersey native (Exit 163), holds an Industrial Design degree from The Ohio State University. After years of agency work, his love of acting led him to Hollywood, where he appeared in dozens of television, film, and theatre productions. Mark also spent his twenty-eight years in Hollywood, entrepreneuring. He started five non-profit companies. But hold the applause, none were intended to be. He now lives in the South of France. But hold your pity. He of sound mind and body chose to suffer in the heart of wine country where the locals insist his French isn’t so bad—at least that’s what he thinks they’re saying. Mark is an award-winning designer, writer, and director. He has written lots of jokes, several screenplays, and one award-winning short film. A Cup of Tea on the Commode—a sad, sweet, and funny memoir—chronicles his adventures of filling his mother’s last years with love, laughter, and joy. Though not always successful, he came pretty damn close. And he survived to tell the tale.

You wanted the best. You've got the best podcast, the hottest podcast in the world. The Chris Voss Show, the preeminent podcast with guests so smart you may experience serious brain bleed. The CEOs, authors, thought leaders, visionaries, and motivators. Get ready, get ready, strap yourself in. Keep your hands, arms, and legs inside the vehicle at all times because you're about to go on a monster education roller coaster with your brain. Now, here's your host, Chris Voss. Hi, folks. Chris Voss here from thechrisvossshow.com, thechrisvossshow.com.

Welcome to the big show, my family and friends. The Chris Voss Show, the family that loves you but doesn't judge you at least on his heart she's your mother-in-law the show that billionaires ceos entrepreneurs newsmakers and the hottest new authors come on to talk about their wares and all the things they think and they're going to make you smarter and everyone knows when you're smarter you're sexier who doesn't want to be sexier is there anybody in the audience they're like no i want to be uglier no i'm just kidding people don't do that uh anyway guys uh we appreciate you guys coming to the show as always 15 years uh there are three podcasts a weekday 15 podcasts a week coming at you if you're not listening to every single one there will be a test on saturdays boys and girls. So there'll be a test. And if you fail, I don't know what happens. Whatever,

go back and listen to them. You got to have something to do on Sunday. It's kind of boring day. Anyway, guys, we have, once again, an amazing guest and author on the show. A very touching memoir that I think is going to be moving for you and inspiring for you and take you to a new level. We have a gentleman on the show. He's the author of the latest book called A Cup of Tea on the Commode, My Multitasking Adventures of Caring for Mom and How I Survived to Tell the Tale. Came out May 14th, 2023. Mark Stephen Poro is on the show with us today.

He's going to be talking to him about this book and some of his insights. And I think you're going to love this show. You're going to love the show. You're going to love the story or love both. And if you don't or else. Yeah, really. There you go. Mark is a New Jersey native.

And he earned an industrial design degree from the Ohio State University. After years of agency work, his love of acting led him to Hollywood where he appeared in dozens of television, film, and stage productions. He also spent his 28 years in Tinseltown entrepreneuring. He started five non-profit companies but hold the applause, of them were intended to be he now lives in a i think i know what that's about he now lives in the south of france but hold your pity he he is of sound mind and body and chose to suffer in the heart of wine country where the locals insist his french isn't so bad that's not what they say behind his back i'm just kidding french can be rude uh and at least that's what he thinks they're saying exactly see well i preempted that didn't i uh mark is an award-winning designer writer

director dirty americans uh anyway french people don't say that i'm sure uh he has written in the job uh he's written lots of jokes several screenplays and one award-winning short film a cup of tea on the commode as a sad sweet and funny debut memoir that chronicles his multitasking adventures of filing his uh filling his mother's last years with love laughter and joy though not always successful he came pretty damn close welcome the show mark how are you thank you it's uh it's a pleasure to be here all the way from france all the way from france and we should tease out so we can get people to you know turn off the audio on the podcast and come to youtube and watch

you're sitting in your uh your abode there in france and i believe it's it's uh fairly old it was built in the 16th century i've been told it was built around 1540 so uh king Louis XIII time period and King Louis XIV apparently actually came to this village. Wow. I wasn't here then, so I can't be sure. And we have no video evidence, but I'm going to take their word for it

because it helps. I think I saw him post about it on his TikTok account. Yeah. He's a video over there. Yeah. He's a crazy guy. There you go.

And it's a beautiful thing. It's got a huge arcing brick sort of, I don't want to call it medieval, but I guess it would be, you know, kind of French. High ceilings, low floors, and a lot of history. It's very cool. Even I have a cobblestone street outside and oh wow if you just think about all the people that walked up and down you know thousands of years it's just very cool yeah it's always interesting to me these older places the you kind of get a feel of the people that pass through them it feels uh there's a weird sort of i don't know deja vu or something that i was

energy or something yeah energy or something i've had a couple of spiritual guys come into this place with their uh divining rods or just their uh six cents and they've said all good vibes here so there were that's good yeah it wasn't like a torture chamber for all the crazy stuff you've been in all times but there were other places the knights templar did come here and slaughter a lot of people oh wow um uh yeah again that was before my time so there you go well you're not responsible for it legally then evidently according to attorneys so we were good there uh so uh tell us about this book what motivated you want to write this book um well in 2011 nine days after my mom's 89th birthday she just kind of gave up on life she was very unhappy and she just will it seemed like she just willed herself to die and my brother called me and said he put her to bed and uh

the doctor cut off all meds and food and hospice was called. And I kind of freaked out because 14 years earlier, hospice was called for my dad. And two days later, he died. So mom had six kids and all of us came to, I flew in. I was living in LA at the time. And so I flew in and we kind of just sat around a bed waiting. And then she kind of snapped out of it. It was a number of weeks without any food or anything.

She snapped out of it. And I think she was really, I call it in the book, a silent scream for help. She wanted more love. We had some people in the house that apparently weren't doing such a great job. So all her kids came back and filled the house again with love and she woke up. And so I decided to kind of take over because I wanted my mother's last years to be happy and she deserved better. And so I didn't move back right away. I stayed with her for a few months and then hospice stayed on for a while. And then later in the year, I picked up and moved back.

So I moved back into my childhood home at 55 to become a first-time parent to a 89-year-old lady. Wow. Wow. You and I, and you were a bachelor this is one of the things that gave you the freedom to be able to do this right yeah i mean i had a business in la and i was uh also an actor uh but i was kind of aging out of acting so the acting career was pretty uh getting pretty slow and my business actually was starting to uh peter out so um i was able to fly back and forth to take care of the business every few months i was able to do a lot of it remotely and um uh so the 24-7 care is what i took over so that was my my new. And we had a blast. I mean, there's a lot of, I guess, sadness in the book because it doesn't end well. But it was three and a half years that she lived on.

And we had a great time. She was a very funny lady. And I inherited some of that humor from both of my parents. And my goal was to make her laugh at least once every day. And a lot of times she made me laugh. So it was pretty cool. A beautiful story. I was recently watching the Netflix show, Live to 100, Secrets of the Blue Zones.

And they talked about one of the zones that they feature in the movies uh is is that one of the reasons that a certain blue zone as they identified these people were living to be centurions 100 years old was they had an intact social system where they didn't throw people away into hospice care i mean there's a time where sometimes you need that medical stuff. But they didn't, you know, people weren't going into retirement in loneliness. They still had families around them. They had support surrounded. In fact, the family grew in tight around them the older they got.

And, you know, there was a study they cited, too, that if you put someone in hospice care or put them into retirement, unless they really find some way to activate and do some things, they die fairly quickly. after a series of small strokes and heart attacks and issues, after one final surgery, he had to go into hospice care just so that he could, you know, recover. And it was going to be probably for two weeks to a month at, at, at the most optimum optimist point,

but he was gone in two days. He was so unhappy. And I think he just gave up because he was like, he wasn't home. He was very upset about it. And, and he just think he just gave up because he was like he wasn't home he was very upset about it and and he just he just he was gone within uh pretty much 24 48 hours and i think he i think he was so heartbroken not to be home with his wife and stuff and so this is really important for the longevity of our elders and and for too long in this country, we throw people away into hospice care.

And so you take over. You have the freedom of a bachelor to take care of your mom. You realize the importance of her life and spending time with her. And you become a hospice caregiver in a way. Yeah. Is that correct? Well, what I did is when hospice was there, my younger sister and I stayed pretty much 24-7 with mom and hospice. When they were there, we were really good students.

We wanted to learn as much as we could because I didn't know if I was going to take over 24-7 at that point. But I wanted to learn and do as much as we could for mom while she was there because she was doing so well because we were present. So I said, nobody's going to give her more TLC than her own kids. So we jumped in and we learned and then we shared those tips and tricks with two of my other siblings. And so we always had someone there. And when I had to go back to California for business, my sister who also lived in LA or not LA, Orange County, actually, but she would fly in. So she would replace me. So it would always be one of her children on duty. And that made a big difference. Yeah. So yeah, the hospice, I mean, the hospice nurses actually were lovely, but you have quite a variety coming every day.

You don't have the same one. And there was a directive from the main hospice nurse. No food, I guess a little bit of water and stuff, but no food because the doctor said no food. She wants to go. Let her go. And so we follow that directive. And then one hospice nurse came in a couple of weeks later and we got to a point where we knew a couple were breaking the rules. So we'd meet them at the front door and have them read the directive from their boss.

And this lady said, yes, that's fine. She walked right into my mother's room. My mother was her eyes were closed most of the time. She walks in, and the lady leans in and says, Genevieve, are you hungry? And my mother's eyes shot open for the first time in weeks. And then this lady accused us of starving our mother to death. And she went nuts with this. And so we, it was really quite interesting. So we got her to call her supervisor.

We said, no, we're not doing it. This is what we've been told. We were following the rules. So this lady broke the rule. She called her supervisor. Her supervisor said, leave. You broke the rules. Get out.

Now I'm thinking, is this a possibility that hospice was wrong? And we are, in fact, starving our mother to death so i go into a room just guilt-ridden and i said mom and she opens her eyes i said are you hungry and she she nodded i said well what do you want she goes what do you got now these are the first words in weeks and i said anything you want and at this point it it's March, winter. And she says, how about some pumpkin pie? Well, it's not really pumpkin pie season, but let me see. So I went out in the living room and I asked my older brother. He lived locally, so he kind of knew where to go.

I said, see if you can find some pumpkin pies. And he came back within a half hour with two fresh pumpkin pies. There you go. And this woman just devoured these things. Again, she hasn't eaten in weeks. So she ate pumpkin pies. There you go. And this woman just devoured these things. Again, she hasn't eaten in weeks. So she ate pumpkin pie. And then she moved on to sherbet. She was a big sherbet fan.

Eight bowls of sherbet a day. That's all she had. Really? All she wanted was sherbet. And then after that, we got her to switch to something a little better, which was oatmeal, but it was still sugary oatmeal.

So she had eight bowls of oatmeal a day, but she was back. She was sharp. She was awake. She was happy to be alive. And we realized that she's probably riding the biggest sugar high, continuous sugar high in the world. That's how I want to go out. She was a type two diabetic, but she was doing great.

And off at that point, off all meds. She was probably on like a dozen meds. And the doctor said, no meds. We didn't add any more meds. She was just on the sugar high and doing great. And then eventually we were able to sneak in some real food. And then she went back to a normal diet once I started cooking all her meals and stuff for her. So we kept the diet pretty healthy after that.

And then Sherbert for dessert. There you go. It's hard to become a caretaker. I started cooking all her meals and stuff for her, so we kept the diet pretty healthy after that. And then sherbet for dessert. There you go. It's hard to become a caretaker and do it for a long period of time. There's a mental toll that it takes on you. How did you deal with that? Well, when my sister and I were learning from hospice, while hospice was there, we took breaks every day. We went out for walks

and we walked around our old neighborhood, which was nice to rediscover our, our, our town. It was a small town in Northern New Jersey. Ridgewood was just a lovely village. And but when I took over, I figured, ah, I can handle this. This is, you know, I'm a guy I can do it. Everything's fine. And, but it creeps up on you. Um, there was a few times where I snapped at my mom and I'm not proud of those moments in there. Um,

and she hated swearing. And, uh, uh, one night again, I got a little angry when, cause she could be, she could be a tough cookie.

She was very stubborn. And, um, and, and she wouldn't eat this one night. So I got very angry and I swore and I knew it upset her. And I said, I'm sorry, mom, I'm sorry for swearing. But I said, this parenting thing is really tough.

And she had six kids and she said, yeah, I guess, but I never swore. And I said, you're right, you're right. So I had to be very careful, but she didn't. She never, when she got mad, she said things like nincompoop or I'm fed up. Or she actually said fudgy wudgy one night in front of my friends. Oh, yeah. And they thought she was kidding. And I said, no, that's my mom.

Yeah. Fudgy wudgy. I got to remember that one. And my dad didn't swear either, but he seemed to, I think, um, food came to mind with him. He'd say things like chowder head um you're full of soup that was a big one and get the ham out of here that was as bad as it got with these guys so uh yeah yeah so i was i guess the black sheep of the family with what knows so give us a kind of an arcing overview of what you found. What did you experience in spending quality I have three sisters and two older brothers,

but I had, well, certainly the desire to do it, but I was also able to do it since I had no children and I could do it. So I made a choice. I said, listen, my mom and I had also a very different relationship. I think with my dad also, I think I was very curious as a kid. And then I asked them questions and got them. They were both, you know, they were depression kids. So they held on to their family secrets and didn't talk about feelings and any of this stuff. I got both of them to open up to me over the years. And it was pretty cool. So I had a good bond with both of them. And, um, so I guess the first thing is you're, you're seeing your mother naked for the first time. I mean, I, I took over everything. So, uh, I had to give her a sponge bath, gave her a sponge bath at least twice a day.

You're changing diapers. You're getting peed on by your mother. I mean, these are some adjustments you have to, uh, have to make. So it was, it was very, uh it was very tough at first, but I had a job to do. I said, I'm the caregiver, so I have to get over it and get on with it. So I would deal with my emotions and stuff outside of the room. With her, I wanted to be a professional, certainly with some love and care, but I didn't want that awkwardness to make her feel awkward. And she was good. She was okay with it.

There you go. It's dealing with adult issues and everything they do. I have a sister who has MS, and I got to mention now she's in the, she's in a care center. Um, but I know that, you know, my mom is always saying to me, and I guess she has some insurance to take care of this, but she always says, I want to die in my home. I want to, I want to be in my home. I don't want to be in a hospital. I don't want to be in a, in a, you know, hospice care. Uh, and evidently she has the insurance to back it up.

Um, but that's a big deal for her. And I know it was, uh, my grandmother died in her home. Uh, the, I know my, unfortunately no one was there and there might've been a chance we could have gotten her some care, but she was alone. Um, and then, uh, my grandfather technically died in his home. Um, and, and, and I think there's something valuable there, uh, where people, you know, in their last few years of their life, being in their home, the place they've called home. And it sounds like your mom's home was the original home for your family. So that's probably even more important as well.

Yeah. Both of my parents died in their bed. I was with both of them with different siblings, but I was with both of them when they took their last breath and it's uh it's surreal but uh it was uh a beautiful uh to watch that transition and and to know that they knew that uh we were there yeah to help them through it and um um yeah i i both both of them died with very little pain i mean after a while i mean with mom it was a long process my my dad went pretty quick like like your dad once hospice was called he two days later he was gone but he was pretty sharp to the end my mother seemed to want to go a few weeks before so So she stopped communicating. She would respond to touch and stuff.

But I don't think she spoke again. She whispered, I love you to me, I think, a day before she passed, which was nice. So she still knew I was there. But, yeah, I think that was definitely the way to go. She was Irish, so I played some Irish music, you know, for five days. I was with her like five days straight through until she passed. So we played Irish music the whole time, which still makes me cry. And I gave her some – she loved coffee ice cream,

so I gave her some coffee ice cream a couple of days. She said she wanted some of that. um yeah it's it's it's it's cool my dad was telling jokes to the end um uh mom had a foot it was strange because i would usually go out to la for one week i called it hell week i'd go out and work crazy hours in my business i had a snack food company called grandpa pose originals and it was something my uh a snack food my dad invented when we were kids. And to honor him, my brother and I started this business. And we were in the stores in 1998 and went nationwide. So it was doing very well for a while. But it evolved into a one-man operation. And I was able to design all the equipment.

I built the factory where I could handle this on my own. So I would go for hell week and be able to make a few months' worth of product. But the last time I was there, I was there for two weeks. And when I came back, my mother's demeanor completely changed. So I knew the end was coming. But she had her right foot kept tapping. And at this point, I had a caregiver who filled in for me because I had some medical issues because of the stress. So she filled in to do the heavy work. So she was there as well. And we just got a kick out of it because mom was not nothing up here but the foot

just kept tapping and we're well is is this she's tapping to a song that nobody else hears is the heavenly choir calling or was it just to make us laugh and and it could have been all those things but it certainly entertained us we just cracked up you know when you should be sad about this person uh transitioning it was like oh my god what's going on with that foot? And it might've been her way of just saying, Hey, this is okay. I want you to smile and I'm going to be fine. So you should be fine. I think there were other reasons people, uh, pass away pretty quickly in, in a hospice care home is they're not in their home i think that makes a huge difference too yeah yeah i think it makes a huge difference and my mom it's like really important i i think i've had to swear

on like 10 bibles that she will uh if if everything is optimal she'll be able to pass away in her home and i believe that she should yeah um she loves her home she's had her for 20 or 30 years and um she has a right to do that and i wouldn't want to die in a you know if i was in a hospital and they said you're probably going to pass away i'm like wheel me out to the front so i can die in the fresh air i don't want to at least that hospital but i mean you know sometimes you don't have the choices but uh i think it was great what you did and it's very hard i i my um not not to do a comparison uh that uh you know your family's a dog but my um my uh dog of 16 years went through hospice care with me and so for a year and a

half i took care of her and she was given like three days to die she had anal sac cancer and i became her hospice care home and she lived for actually two to three years when the doctor said it was only going to be three days she was going to live and it's a big difference yeah and so I did something very similar with my with my with my pup who uh is actually like a child to me I'm like you I'm a 55 year old bachelor you're 55 when you engaged with your, get your mom care. And it was hard. There was depression. There was, I probably didn't help.

I was still drinking at the time. It took its toll on me. It took its toll on me health-wise. It took its toll on me mentally-wise. And I didn't realize that caregivers really need to take care of themselves. There's books on this and people you've had and authors. You mentioned that you had, you know, it affected your health too. Yeah. So, um, uh, I think about two and a half years in, um, I had, uh, it felt like somebody shot me in the gut and I was healthy. I mean, I ate healthy. I, um, I renovated the house. My mom

slept a lot of hours during the day. So I wanted to not only restore her dignity, but the dignity to her surroundings. So this was the house that had been in our family for over 60 years. And so I started renovating it from the base. I started with the basement and moved up. So I got a lot of stress relief from banging down walls and, and, and hauling junk out and things like that.

But, and I built a man cave in there. I knew I needed some stress relief. So I had a rowing machine and I had dumbbells and things like that. So I would work out and I would eat well. And again, you think, oh, I can handle this stuff. But it creeps up on you. So one day it felt like I got shot in the stomach.

And then that night I had a fever. It was June and the humidity was probably 90 or something in New Jersey. And I went to bed with pajamas, a heavy blanket with a heater in the bed with me because I was freezing. And it was just crazy. And then the next day I woke up, it seemed like I broke the fever and I was okay. So I waited a day. Then I worked out again the next day, and then it came back with a vengeance. So it ended up being like four days later, I drove myself to the emergency room. As soon as I mentioned, I got a pain in my lower left abdomen. They said, diverticulitis,

you're going into CT scan right now. I didn't even know what it was. I didn't know how to pronounce it at the time. And so what I had is as we get older, it's on your colon, you start to get these things like the appendix. You get these little, these little pockets and sometimes food or whatever will get caught in those pockets and cause discomfort with mine. It actually punctured one of those perforated.

And so I was infected in my whole, I guess, midsection. And that's what caused the fever. And they said, I was very close because if that got into the bloodstream, I would have been dead. Yeah.

So that's what the CT scan revealed. So I had to go through emergency surgery and um it was funny because i i called my brother when i knew it was serious and i'm like oh i you know who's going to take care of my mother because that was my motivation at that point to get better but then they said you're going into surgery and i had umbilical hernia when i was 25 and it took about a year to recover from that so now i I'm going 55. This is going to be ridiculous. Actually I was 57 I think at the time. So I called my brother and I told him what's going on. I said, this is serious. We have to find someone to replace me. And all I heard on the

other side is, can we swear? Okay. He said, oh shit. And I wasn't sure if that was his predicament or mine um but it was a it was a valid response to both of ours so uh yeah i went through three emergency surgeries and i asked the doctors i said so why did this happen i said i'm healthy i eat healthy i do this i don't drink a lot i don't smoke and they said sometimes it's just dumb luck. And apparently, I have to say, it had to be the stress-related stuff. But again, knowing that I wanted to get back to work and take care of my mom, that was my motivation to get out of there. So the drugs were great. My mother had a lot of visions during our journey early on because she had some dementia.

And then later on, it was diagnosed she had some Alzheimer's. On those drugs, boy, I had the same kind of visions in the hospital. So luckily, they stopped after I kicked the drugs. But yeah, you got to take care of yourself. I was meeting with somebody who is the caregiver's caregiver, and he said that there's probably 30% of the caregivers die before their patient does. Really? Wow. That's how crazy it is.

So you really do have to watch out and take care of yourself. Even if you think you're the tough guy or the tough gal, take the breaks. You do. It definitely weighs on you and weans on you. So, you know, I had a mortgage company for 20 years. would seize a parent's home and sometimes force them into hospice care, retirement homes, not for sometimes the best of purposes. Sometimes it was necessary because of the care that was needed for them. My sister needs three hospice care people to lift.

She's not a hospice, but a care center people to lift her and shower her. There's just no way to do that really in a home, especially for some of the assistance she needs. And so that's necessary. But there were times where I saw just a seizing of assets really when it came down to it and throwing mom or dad into the retirement home. What are your thoughts on why it's better to do things and why you would encourage people to do things the way you guys did things as opposed to just throwing them in retirement home and forgetting about them? Well, financially, I was very lucky because my brother was the financial planner for the family for years. And so he took that all off my plate which uh was i guess a tremendous so we didn't have to worry about my my parents both did pretty well and with michael's uh uh overseeing their

accounts and stuff for probably 30 or more years uh they they they were fine so. So we were good on that end. And everybody was treated fairly. And so that didn't enter the picture. But I think overall, it was probably beneficial financially for us to do it and not pay for outside sources and stuff. Definitely some of these nursing homes. My mother was in assisted living years earlier for a few years. And I didn't know because I lived in California, but she really didn't like it.

Though she had her own apartment and the social life was great. And she had a dog at the time. So she was able to keep her dog, who was her seventh child and perhaps her favorite child. So I thought she was very happy there. Every time I visited, she had a good time, but she really didn't. She wanted to come home. And so, yeah.

So one of the main things I'd say that came out of this experience is you have to have empathy. Normally, you should have empathy for family members and people you're close to and people you love. But, boy, you know, they are still human beings. They're going to be a slower pace. And sometimes she would come up with some very crazy, nonsensical things. But you got to find the joy in it and and and and laugh at it and things like that she was a shopaholic and one day she just says hey do you have socks i said

yeah i have so where are they i said they're on my feet she goes good because i don't have any extras for you okay mom it's okay because she would if i needed them she probably would have thought she could get in a car which she hadn't driven in probably 10 15 years and go out and shop and get me some socks because that's what she would do any excuse to go out shopping she would do it she was she was a shopaholic that was her her main go. I, and, and she's still mom. So she's still taking care of her son. Yeah. Yeah. The, uh, the other thing I, I, I would say about rest homes and care centers and hospice

caries to the level of care that I've seen in my sister has been through, I think seven different care centers. Um, level of care is, uh, horrendous is the word I want to use. It's bad. Uh, the horror stories I've heard, seen, um, the, a lot of the care centers in America, we used to be individually owned and they went through this, uh, corporatization where all the corporations bought them all and they have thinned out the staffs. They have, uh, which got worse over COVID. They've thinned out the staffs, which got worse over COVID.

They've thinned out the services. I mean, it's crazy some of the things I've seen. And my mom regularly goes up to see my sister. She's her caretaker. And sometimes her diapers aren't changed. She's sitting in whatever. She's slumping down in her seat. She has this big giant, you know, expensive wheelchair. She sits in, it's automated and she'll be slumping and she can't pick herself back up

and pull herself back up because the MS and, and like no one will check on her or sometimes they won't feed her. And so I really encourage people to do what you did where it's just the care can be so much better when you're overseeing what's going on there. One of my friends, they put one of those portable cameras in the room and their father had rolled off the bed and he had dementia and he wasn't aware of anything rolled off the bed they left him on the floor for three days and they would just come in and care for him and no one pick him up off the floor and he laid there for three days and they caught on a camera it was insane yeah the stuff they would do um they had one one one friend uh had a mother who had dementia,

and she's like, they come in at night, and they steal my jewelry, and they go through my drawers, and they steal stuff. And they thought, oh, she's just in dementia. So they put a camera in there. Sure enough, there was somebody coming in and doing that. It was crazy. So I think it's just honorable what you guys did. Our parents changed our diapers and cleaned us up and got us through this life.

For a lot of years. Yeah. If it wasn't for them, we probably wouldn't have survived either. And so I think it's honorable what you did. But also, it's been so life-fulfilling. It's hard. It's probably one of the hardest things you'll ever do. It's not hard to watch someone die slowly um and pass slowly it wears on you um and every day you're you know i with my with my uh

puppy um of 16 years my child um every day would just be like let's get through today i don't know if that was your experience but you're just like let's get through today every day is a brick of gold let's just get to tomorrow. Cause you don't know. Cause like be the day. And it's hard. It's hard to live that way. And it grinds in you. But I think it's just wonderful what you did and,

and putting this together in a beautiful memoir. You've got the photos of your mom and you and stuff. What haven't we touched on that? We want to, you know, tease out to get people to order the book. I guess the the the i'll tell you some of the funny things because it's not it's not totally said i think there's more laughs i have i've had you know what's so cool about this um not only is it is a recording

let's say family history for my family and stuff but uh old friends are coming out of woodwork especially people from high school who I haven't been in contact for 50 years, people I knew from my hometown. And I've been promoting this thing on Facebook and YouTube. I did like 130 one-minute teasers on YouTube that I've been posting for the last year and a half. And then the blog and we even do the TikTok. We're on all the platforms. It's crazy. But people are coming out and they would tell stories about my family that I didn't realize. I mean, my parents were very cool. And we had a very popular house in high school because they were fun. They were fun people to be around. And so for hearing these stories and having them share their own stories

with their parents, and a lot of them think that, oh, this is great. But there was one of my friends who said, I don't think I can read this. I've been following, but I can't read it yet because my father just passed a month ago. And I said, yes, it's too soon. So wait. A week later, she says, I'm going to New York, flying back to New York from LA. I'm going to take your book with me. And she posted progress on the flight. And she said, I am laughing my butt off on this particular chapter. And the flight attendant's begging me to find out what I'm reading. It's making me laugh so hard. There you go. And so, you know, there's a lot of people are saying laughter and tears at the same time, begging me to find out what i'm reading it's making me laugh so hard there you go and and so

you know there's a lot of uh people are saying laughter and tears at the same time which which is uh just lovely there you go i wouldn't i wouldn't trade and i'm sure you wouldn't either i wouldn't trade those those hospice years that i took care of my my uh my uh child uh my child puppy um i wouldn't trade those for yours. And it's so amazing how much we find the richness of life in those moments and the value of it and how important it is. Yeah. Like with your puppy, obviously you couldn't have a conversation,

but the response of the way you held your puppy and whether it was a he or she. She. She. I'm sure you made eye contact. Oh, yeah. Those are the, like, yeah, near the end. I mean, even when my mom was doing fine, there'd be a time when you'd get really angry or something and you're not sure.

I went through a chapter and said, why am I doing, or why are you doing this was her question. And then I had to start thinking, why am I doing this? This is insane. I didn't want to be a parent. Now I'm a parent. Why am I doing this? And then she would, you'd look at her and she'd smile, or she would give you a witty comeback to a joke or something, or then she loved kisses so she would puck her up for a kiss and you're just going okay so that's why i'm doing this for those special little moments that you don't expect and that was all the reward or payback you needed it it was very rewarding and and uh and yeah i wouldn't have traded those moments uh for the

world and that's why i wanted to record it for other family members who miss those things and it's a great example being said too because you know we we kind of have this mentality or this culture in this world that we throw away old people uh when you're old they've already thrown me away i'm only 55 they're like we don't care anything about what you have to say anymore. But, you know, Matthew Fulton, thanks for calling in, Matthew. The aging of my parents makes me want to be close to them every day. I do not want to only see them three times a year for the next five years. You know, for those of you who've lost people,

you don't know what you have until it's gone. And sometimes there are things that are unresolved throughout your life that, you know, you need to sit down. With my father, I knew the time was coming because he was having a lot of problems with strokes. And I was on a Zoom call with him once in Vegas and he had a stroke right in front of me. In fact, I was the one screaming through the Zoom to the background to get him taken care of. But, you know, I sat down with him, and we had a contentious relationship as a father and a son. We didn't always get along.

I think it was until 30 when he finally told me he was proud of me. We had a lot of battles. And so I took the time i realized i had the foresight to realize that that i needed to clear all the decks before he left yeah and make sure that we squared up even and uh and so i did that and i sat down with him and sadly it was a little too late because he was really starting to kick in the dementia. So sometimes we'd have the same conversations every day. But we squared all the decks and I asked him, you know, is there anything unresolved with you that we need to square out?

And he said, nope. And I said, I think, you know, we talked about some of the things we did and I apologize for a few things I did. And I think he might have done the same and uh but just clearing those decks cleaning that psychological thing out so that he could pass um or if i pass before him you know there was nothing left where we're like god i wish i would have had that conversation god i wish i would have said this those are those are really really important because i have uh i heard from a friend recently again someone i knew from high school and she says she can't read the book because her mother died over 20 years ago and she didn't get to say goodbye.

Wow. So she's not ready. And I'm like, it's time to forgive yourself, first of all. Yeah. But, you know, it's a shame because I think, again, with the relationship I had with both of my parents, I had those conversations early on and I wrote about them, too. And I let my dad read a monologue that I wrote that was not very pleasant. And I took a chance because, again, he was a very shy guy, but he had he didn't have a very good relationship with my younger sister. And my younger sister was my best friend. And I said, you're missing out. This kid is great. And I don't know what you're doing. So the monologue was about that. And I let him read it.

And he was just dead quiet after. And I said, oh, crap, what have I done? And then he opened up. And this guy, we talked about everything from his meeting my mother to the honeymoon to everything. It was amazing. It was like we became like friends at that point. And it was just beautiful. And even at one point when he had difficulty, you know, my parents had the typical Catholic marriage, maybe not typical, but it was a lot of tension in the house, but then till death,

till they part. And so he had some things going on with mom. And so I, I took him aside one time and I gave him the sex talk with me coaching him. I said, Hey, will you, you know,

I opened up and I, he, he opened up because I didn't know, I don't know what kid talk, with me coaching him. I said, hey, will you, you know, I opened up, he opened up, because I didn't know, I don't know what kid talked, but I, this is the kind of kid I guess I was. And so he was okay with it. But I just asked, I said, do you know, were you a kind and giving lover to mom? And we had that, I won't disclose the answer, but it was good. And I had similar talks with my mom, which I guess normal people don't, but I was curious. And again, like you said, nothing was left off the table. And I think some of the revelations in the book may shock my brothers and sisters, but I have that in the acknowledgement saying you know i know that i may

have gone too far but these these were important lessons i think that uh again uh have those don't wait for these discussions yeah these are honest comfortable you can't force them but these are honest human moments and we're humans i mean and someone is passing away uh you know one of my other dogs that passed away i i didn, I didn't talk a lot about my private life on social media, but I had a huge following. I was like 400,000 people on Twitter and, you know, all the things that we have now. And so I kept a little bit of PR. But one night, my oldest first child dog died of a seizure within a half an hour. And so I didn't get to say goodbye.

It was just gone. It was over. And, um, and it, it crushed me because I didn't get to say goodbye. Um, and I poured out this, this whole Facebook post, uh, with half a bottle of vodka in me. I was pretty much trying to drink myself to death. And I just poured out my soul onto the page. And I sat there for a half an hour drinking, going, I really don't want to share this with anybody. I don't.

This is too private. This is too personal. Too much feeling. I don't want to share this. No one's going to give a fuck anyway. They're just going to be like, it's just going to be embarrassing. And so fortunately, I guess i had down enough vodka and i was tired and ready for bed and i pressed send and i didn't know the impact of what i did

and probably the impact that you're going to have with your book as well uh i didn't realize that by sharing my pain by telling my story that there were other people who needed healing who hadn't you know people wrote me the next morning and over the next coming weeks, they're like, yeah, your story, seeing, experiencing you go through the pain of what you went through, realize that I didn't get closure with my dad, or I didn't get closure with my mom or my grandma or my dog. They're like, you helped me get closure finally. You helped me seal that wound and i'm like wow this really helped other people i thought this was the most selfish moment that i could ever do and so that's the beauty of a book like yours it's going to inspire it's going to help so many people and reach and touch them

with their own personal lives as well yeah i hope it will i guarantee it i guarantee it that's the beautiful part about stories yeah i have a baseball story if you want to talk about sure so my dad and i and and uh my mom and i guess never had really a falling out but my dad and i did he was a baseball coach and um and so i was the youngest of the three sons and i hated practicing uh i didn't want to deal with the fundamentals and all that so i just wanted to get to the fun stuff or play the game. And so that was a big issue. And there's a big chapter in the book inside because I liked, I was,

the three of us were left-handers, my brothers and I. So I would play, let's say in right field and rarely did anybody hit in right field that unless they were a left-hander. So I'd sit out there and, and so no, nothing was going on.

So I would take a stick and so nothing was going on. So I would take a stick and draw in the dirt pictures. And so the chapter is called, Is That Your Picasso in the Outfield? Because my dad, he would come to a game and see his kid, the coach's son, not on his team. I never made his team, by the way. I wasn't good enough.

He would, you know, we didn't want to hear that question oh is that your picasso mr coach in the outfield um but he uh one day he showed up and our umpire didn't and nobody knew he was my dad because he was i think embarrassed and he never told people whenever he showed up i always made an error so he was off in the background and so somebody said we need an umpire so he became the umpire and he called me out on strikes on the game winning time at the plate and and i was uh maybe 10 or 11 and it killed me because it was not a strike he called me out and we never talked about it until 23 years later. I wrote him for his 75th birthday.

I didn't know what to get him. He was a difficult guy to buy something for because he was fine with shoes older than me and pants the same age. So I sent him 75 memories for a 75th birthday. Just a list of memories. That's cool. And one of them was this baseball they weren't all happy they were good as he called them some were pithy you were clearing the decks yeah but basically yeah way ahead of time so um uh and again i had no idea what the impact would be and this was again a, closed man, kept his emotions close

to the chest. And I found out through my siblings that this thing just touched him. And he wrote me back. That was his favorite thing. He would type right letters. And he wrote back and he said, I remember that incident very clearly. The ball was high and outside probably not a strike but i always taught you to never go down without swinging and he said i've regretted that that call for 20 you both carried it 23 years you both carried it yeah wow that is that was i mean that just obviously floored me so i i called him right up and said hey listen i don't i don't regret i'm glad that we're talking about it but i said that incident as as along with the other 74 shaped us in our relationship so i don't regret any of them there you go i i appreciate this honestly but i mean is it that's amazing 23 years we both held on to this thing that is awesome

uh our fan base loves it you nailed it when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable it helps others and people like your 75 memories thing uh adam husky uh coming into the show i tried to see my at least two times a month it's hard because they drive a long haul. Yeah, it's tough when they're down the road. But as you mentioned, you never know when it's time. You know, I remember someone told me when I was young, and my dad was my age at the time working for me, and it was one of my employees, and he was older,

and I think he was almost retirement age. He said, Chris, you're going to go through two periods in your life. There's a period of your life where you go to a lot of weddings and there's a time where you go to a lot of funerals. And I remember feeling the crossover where I'm like, yeah, we're not going to weddings so much anymore. We're going to a lot of funerals and people start passing away around you. And you've got to realize that that time is so precious. I remember calling my uncle Randy after my dad passed. And there were stories my dad wouldn't tell us about his life. He was a bit of a PR agent.

He was a narcissist. So there are some more issues. But so my uncle was on his deathbed. He He had like half his heart working. And they just told him, go home, live your life. You're going to go soon. That's it. And so I called him up and I said, hey, you know, tell me the stories about what it was like with my dad growing up and, you know, the whole family history. And so he calls me one night at like 11 o'clock.

And I'm like, shouldn't you be sleeping? Because, you know, you need rest. And for four hours, he told me like all the stories that my dad had never told us. And I don't know, maybe my dad didn't think they were important. But he like bled it out like a historian. Until like four in the morning or three in the morning or something. And I kept saying to him, I'm like, you need to go to bed. I don't want to kill you.

And, uh, but spending these moments with people and, uh, reconcile in the history and everything else. I mean, it's just so inspiring and beautiful and more people need to do it because by the time you,

you know, we get busy with our lives and, you know, my mom's retired. I'm not. So, you know, I,

I gotta make a buck during the day. But spending time with them and reconciling these moments, closing out lives so that when they're gone, you can say, hey, we talked about everything we needed to do, and we closed all the business and wiped all the decks, and everyone can be at peace and business and wiped all the decks and everyone can be at peace and love and harmony in the end yeah there you go don't wait yeah because a lot of times you go i'll i'll go to the funeral and you go that's no that's too late yeah that's not

the time to do it make a phone call write the letter do do something because uh yeah it yeah it's it and it that may even be selfish but if it's for you that's great but you you have no idea like you when you uh bared your soul you have no idea the effect it's going to have on other people or or the story with your father with the with the with the baseball story i mean you both carry that for all those years. I knew I was right. Oh, well, at least he was great about it and all that good stuff. So you've given a great example and set a beautiful memoir for your mom and your family's history that I'm sure will inspire and motivate others. And one PSA I would always say is if you're a caretaker, get help,

read a book, get a psychiatrist, get, you know, take care of yourself. Because one of the problems is as a caretaker, you spend so much time helping someone else that you don't take care of yourself. And you can't help other people if you grind yourself down. And so all that good stuff. Final thoughts as we go out and plug for the book and.com, Mark. Final thoughts. Okay. So I think my main thing with this, even though with the stress and all this other stuff and knowing that your mother is not going to be around forever, it's kind of like my motto. I look for the joy.

So I tell people, find the joy. So no matter what the circumstances is, I look for any positive thing in it. So even on those most stressful days, I would find something that helped me push forward, whether it was a smile from mom or a grandchild coming back to the house because the house was now a loving uh home welcoming home once again and uh um so i think again find the joy it's helped me and it certainly helps me every day anyway no matter what the situation is there you go there you go and the memories that you have are just bricks of gold. Yep. No one can replace those or take them from you.

And then hopefully, you know, we all get to pass away in that sort of respectful, sort of honorable way. Thank you very much, Mark, for coming on the show. A heart-touching story and beautiful story and laughter as well. So these are the joys of being human. Give us your.com. I think you, I think I asked for it. I wasn't sure if you gave it there at the end.

Well, if you just Google a cup of tea on the commode, the website is a cup of tea on the commode.org, a cup of tea on the commode. If you Google that, you'll see everything. So there's the Facebook, the LinkedIn,

the Tik TOK, the Pinterest, Instagram, Tumblr. that you'll see everything so this is the facebook the linkedin the tiktok the pinterest instagram uh tumblr uh we're all over the place and the book is on amazon it's on a lot of online retailers but the most popular one of course is amazon and it's at three dollars and 15 cents off at amazon currently oh there you go great deal for the paperback it comes in paperback ebook and also large print paperback because my a lot of my audience are baby boomers and stuff so they're trying to help out and i'm gen x i'm there now yeah well there you go get that one it's like 450 pages it's a bargain oh and then i'll be doing the audio book um hopefully by holiday time that'll be out.

There you go. A cup of tea on the commode. Oh, I was going to ask you, what does that mean? Okay. So sometime Mother Nature took its time when I got mom on the commode several times a day. And to make it more pleasant, one day I asked her if she wanted her favorite beverage, which was a cup of tea, skim milk, no sugar, and it became a hit.

And so that was a cup of tea in the commode. A cup of tea in the commode. I love it. My multitasking adventures of caring for mom and how I survived to tell the tale. Out May 14th, 2023. Uh, thanks for tuning in.

Go to good reason.com for chest, Chris, YouTube.com for chest, Chris, LinkedIn.com for chest, Chris Voss and Chris Voss one on Tik TOK. Thanks for tuning in. Be good to each other.

Stay safe. And we'll see you guys next time.