The Chris Voss Show - The Chris Voss Show Podcast – Allow Me to Live My Grief…: and Heal from the Inside Out by Mrs Ligia M. Houben

Episode Date: March 31, 2025

Allow Me to Live My Grief...: and Heal from the Inside Out by Mrs Ligia M. Houben Ligiahouben.com Amazon.com Validating the Bereaved and Raising Awareness in Our Society Ligia M. Houben presents us Allow Me to Live My Grief... and Heal from the Inside Out as an offering of love. This book is a deep and transformative guide, inspired by her personal experience of losing her mother. It is not only a heartfelt tribute to her mother’s memory but also a compassionate companion for anyone navigating the painful journey of grief. Houben shares her personal story, offering her vulnerability to connect with readers, while also providing essential tools that help the bereaved feel validated and supported. When we lose a loved one and find ourselves in the valley of sorrow, we can feel alone, as if no one understands our grief. For this reason, thanatologist Ligia M. Houben offers us Allow Me to Live My Grief... and Heal from the Inside Out, so that you feel understood and accompanied in those moments when it may seem like your world has fallen apart. The author has dedicated her life, through seminars and workshops, to training others on grief and life transitions, and to supporting the bereaved in the most difficult times of their lives with care, compassion, and understanding. Her primary purpose has been to help others transform their loss and transform their lives. This book is both a testimonial and a manual of experiences, through which readers will learn: About the multiple manifestations of grief, Tools and strategies to process it, Clarifications of misunderstandings and common myths on the subject, The difference between “mourning and living through grief.” It also offers testimonials from people who have suffered the loss of a loved one, which the author refers to as “stories from the soul.” Additionally, Ligia teaches us how to accompany someone in grief and how to heal from deep within your soul while continuing to honor your loved one, who, though no longer with you physically, as the author says, “continues to live in your heart... for love is eternal.” Allow Me to Live My Grief... and Heal from the Inside Out is a profound book that not only provides readers with a sense of companionship during their darkest moments but also empowers them to transform their grief into growth. Through her personal story and professional expertise, Ligia M. Houben delivers a compassionate, supportive, and practical guide for anyone experiencing loss, offering them the tools they need to heal from within while honoring the memory of their loved ones. This book is an invaluable resource for both individuals and professionals in the field of grief support, as it tenderly bridges personal experience with therapeutic insight. It is a must-read for anyone seeking solace and practical strategies for healing after loss.About the author Ligia M. Houben is a grief expert and life transitions specialist. She is an inspirational speaker in life transitions, grief & loss, and personal growth. She lost her father when she was 12 years old, and that significant loss inspired her to write "Transform your Loss. Your Guide to Strength and Hope" and to create the system of transformation "The 11 Principles of Transformation" included in the book. Ligia has a Center in Miami, FL, The Center for Transforming Lives, where she provides individual consultation, meditation classes, and personal growth workshops. Now, The 11 Principles of Transformation® are offered as an online program.

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we have an amazing young lady on the show. We're going to be talking about her new book and it is entitled, allow me to live my grief and heal from the inside out. Mrs. Ligia Hoban is on the show with us today and we'll be talking about her book, her insights, her experience, her life's journey, and how you can learn from it. She's a leading grief and loss expert, educator, and author of four books on grief.

With over two decades of experience, she has guided thousands in navigating loss through her transformative approach. The 11 principles of transformation first introduced in her book, Transform Your Loss, Your Guide to Strength and Hope, has been widely recognized for its impact in the field of grief support. This methodology was presented to mental health professionals in the seminar, Transforming

Grief and Loss, in over 100 cities nationwide. Her work bridges cultural and emotional understanding, notably reflected in her book, Counseling Hispanics Through Loss, Grief, and Bremen. She's been featured on CNN, Español, Univision, CBS, NPR. Her latest book is Heal from the Outside, is a heartfelt tribute to her centenarian mother. Wow, a hundred years, you gotta love it. She seeks to validate and accompany grievers through this deeply personal book and offers powerful strategies and tools to support the healing journey. Welcome to show. How are you? Thank you so much, Chris. I am so honored to be in your show. Thank you for this opportunity. And we're honored to have you. Give us your dot coms. How can people find you on the interwebs?

give us your dot coms. How can people find you on the interwebs? Maria Lujanaga Yes, that's my name and last name. I'm going to spell it out. It's L-I-G-I-A-H-O-U-B-S-N-V-O-Y-E-N dot com. Pete Slauson There you go. So, give us a 30,000 overview. What's inside this new book? Maria Lujanaga The new book, as you mentioned, is a tribute to my beloved centenarian mother. It's allowed me to live my grief and heal from the inside out. The reason that I call the book Allow Me to Live My Grief is because, Chris, we live in a society that sometimes doesn't allow us to grieve.

People want to take us away from the pain and they do it with their best intention. They tell us to be strong, to move on, all those comments that people make. The thing is that they don't really help us because then if we do not grieve really, you know, from the inside out, then we may stay stuck. And that's why I chose to name my book that way because being specialist, you know, in grief for so many years and being my mom, a centenarian, when I would say, you know, that, yes, you know, she died and that I missed her and all that, people would say, yeah, but you should be happy, you know, she was centenarian. And I understand, Chris, I understand. It was

a blessing. And I was so grateful, you know, to have her after losing my father when I was 12, which was actually, that was inspiration for me to get into this world of helping the grieved, you know, the griever. However, what about the void? What about missing her? And on the other hand, people would say, Ligia, but you are an expert. You created that methodology of the 11 principles of transformation. So how can you be grieving? Use your methods, no? And then I would respond to people who have come to the seminars and have read the book and all that. Also, do you remember principle number two, second principle? That is live your grief. So that's what I'm doing, living my grief.

So that's how the title came to be. There you go. I love it. You know, the one thing I learned, I learned through the hard way through losing family members and dogs was the process of grief is an important process. The steps, what is it like eight stages or something you go through with grief. And it's important just to embrace it. You can try and live in denial, you can try and come up with some way, or you can say, you know, I'm over it, it's fine, it's not affecting me. But learning to value the process of grief and how we heal is an important process, I think, in the healing

phase and we have to go through it because if you don't, you just end up bottling it up. I mean, I met people that, you know, I talked about my dog's grief when I lost my dog and wrote about it on Facebook and I was just stunned at how many people wrote me back and said, wow, I never processed my dog's death, my parent's death, child's death, et cetera, et cetera. I never fully processed it. I kind of blocked it out. And when I saw you cathartically going through your experience and sharing it, I realized

I hadn't gone through it. Now I'm starting to go through it. And you know, I've just kind of learned that when loss happens or grief has to be processed in the stages of it, just do it. Embrace it, run with it, because it's the only way to heal, really. And see how beautiful, Chris, that's one of the beauties actually of social media, because as you open your heart and it showed your vulnerability, you know, in showing your grief, then you gave other people, quote unquote, permission for them to share

as well. Because you know what, one of the beauties with grief is, it is so sacred and it needs to be witnessed, you know, shared with others. So you sharing your grief, others did as well. So that's something that bring us together, you know, as a community, because that's what happens, you know, we grieve together, we heal together. There you go. And your book, you know, I've written four books about this, correct? Just want to... Yes. Yeah, there you go. And your book, you know, I've written four books about this, correct? Yes. Just want to... Yeah, there you go. And on your website, you help people with different things

of that nature. Now in this book, it's kind of an homage to your mother, an honorarium of your mother and her life and your experience with her and the loss that you experienced? Actually, yes, because when she died and she lived with us, you know, in her last two years of her life, and we were extremely close because as I shared, I lost my father when I was 12. I'm from Nicaragua. You know, you heard my accent, Hispanic accent. Yes, and I'm from Nicaragua, live in Miami, live in Miami. And when I was 12, I was living in Nicaragua.

My father died suddenly. It was a sudden death. And I'm the youngest of three women. And I was extremely close to my father. So it was really hard. And then my mom was my father and mother for 48 years. And what happened was that I was very, very close to her. We were very close. So when she died, the grief was intense, the void, because it's like every

day, it's a constant, every day. So it was very strong. And it's when I decided, and I have kept like a journal throughout the process, throughout the process, you know, she was old and all that. So writing on a journal. So I put together my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. And I wanted to, I wanted to share with the world that even if I have, you know, if I'm a fanatologist and have devoted my life to help the griever, I am human and I have my emotions. I want it to be raw, you know, open to people.

Yes, I am grieving and that's okay. So I shared, you know, the beginnings, you know, how it was and all that. And at the same time, the way I did it, I wrote with my heart, Chris, I did with my heart and a lot of love and it intertwined. I share with the reader tips, suggestions, because when I say allow me to live my grief, it doesn't mean allow me to stay stuck in grief, right? Yeah. No, let's live. let's do this together. You're reading this and it's like I'm talking to you. And that's what I've heard. I'm so grateful with people that they say, you know, they send you the text and all those things. No, I said, yeah, I feel if you're talking to

me, because the book, you know, I wrote it first in Spanish, 2022, and the one in English came last year. I also did the audiobook in Spanish. I narrated it last year. It was a beautiful thing because it's like I'm talking to the person. That was the reason to share my story, present myself wrong as human, you know, because I believe in humanity. I believe in being vulnerable. For me, being vulnerable is not a weakness. It's a strength. If you can share with others now. And also I give a lot of tools, a lot of strategies,

how to cope with grief, how to transform it even, and then how to continue honoring your loved one. Yeah. Can you give us, tease out one of the strategies people need to buy the book to get, of course, the details, but can you tease out to us maybe one or two strategies that you've written in the book? Absolutely. One of the things that I feel helps a lot is writing. It's writing down how you feel,

being this, either keeping a journal. Do you journal by any chance, Chris? I kind of use Facebook as a journal. I do some of the things I think, and so kind of. Awesome. Yes, absolutely. And doing some journaling, you can write letters to your loved one. One technique actually, which is extremely, extremely powerful is, and I learned this at the university actually, is when you write a letter to your loved one, and then you write another letter, like if your loved one responded back to you. We do that, like when I told you that I learned this at university, I studied in University of Miami, I studied psychology. It was interesting because we did a technique called Skeshtalt. It's the empty chair. I don't know, have you ever heard about that? No, tell us about that. Super interesting because there are two chairs, you know, and it's interesting that the professor

said, okay, who wants, you know, volunteers? I'm going to show this and I volunteered. Okay. One day I didn't know what I was going to do because what he did was, okay, you sit in one chair, on one chair, and then to the empty chair, imagine that, you know, there's someone that you have an unfinished business, maybe, you know, lost one, something, someone that you want to say something. And of course, I thought about my father because my father died here in Miami and I was living in Nicaragua. It was a sudden death, as I said.

So that was so powerful. It was a sudden death as I said. So that was so powerful. It was extremely strong. But then when you do that, then you change the seat and you go to the other seat. Like if you are your loved one or the person that you were talking to before, that person responds to you. So very, very powerful. And I always suggest if people are going to do that always, you know, with a professional, a therapist, a coach, because people can get very emotional, but it is a very powerful technique. So it's very similar to the one with letters, not writing and responding. Now you can also, I work a lot with our thoughts to pay attention to our thoughts, because the griever, it's very common that we go to all the what ifs, what if, you know, this

and what if that, and we go to all the things we didn't do, and then that feeling of guilt arises and to pay attention to our thoughts because based on how we think we feel and based on how we feel we act so as we change our thoughts we can change how we feel so suggest, I give a lot of, you know, prompts in the book, but I say a lot this, we can move from a place of suffering to a place of honoring with love. So it's a shift in the mindset, not shh, it's a shift. And at the beginning, it can be challenging, of course, however, we can practice it and we can even become a master in doing that. There you go.

You know, I've shared over the years my stories of loss. I've lost a couple of dogs since my first one. But yeah, I remember writing, I was a bit half bottle in the vodka and was pouring out my feelings over the loss of my dog that had just kind of happened just instantly within 30 minutes and she was gone. And so writing this big thing, I remember thinking, you know, I've talked about this before on the show, I remember thinking, God, this is really selfish, me, me, me, complaining about my troubles, I'm sure the world's got something bigger on its mind, but I just kind of poured my,

my stream of thought into it and my feelings and what it was like. And I wanted to capture the moment at the time, you know, like I say, he's Facebook for my journal. The Facebook's kind of nice as a journal because it goes, it goes around and gives you reminders. You know, this is what you were doing a year ago. This is what you're doing 10 years ago. Yes. It's kind of handy that way.

It's kind of like a journal that reminds you of what you were thinking in the past, and it has pictures and videos. I know. So you help people now deal with this. You've written four books on loss and grief and things. Tell us about some of the offerings you have on your website. I see there's the grief program, which is the 11 principles of transformation and some other things here. Talk to us about some of those offerings. Yes, and the 11 principles, and I'll tell you how they came to be. The first book I wrote on grief, it's Transform Your Loss, Your Guide to Strength and Hope.

And when I was writing that, I'm talking about what's dedicated to my father's memory. And it's what losses are because, and I learned that from people, because when I would say, you know, I work with people with loss, they would assume that it was only the bereaved, you know, only when we lose a loved one. But we go through so many losses, Chris. So many losses, loss of health, loss of a job, divorce, a breakup, loss of homeland for Hispanics, moving,, moving, downsizing. I mean, there's so many types of losses. So I wrote that book, and I talk about what losses are,

how grief is manifested, because it doesn't manifest only through our emotions, through being sad or angry or guilty, you know. No, but it can also be manifested physically, you know, with migraines, insomnia, overeating, not eating, you know, all those things, stomach ache, bad cake at times, and socially we may get isolated. We don't want to see people. On the other hand, we may be just all in and about going out. You cannot be at home because you feel lonely. Or also the spiritual aspect. And I don't say it religious aspect. I say it spiritual because you can be spiritual without being religious.

And on top of you are religious, you religious, then you are spiritual as well. And the thing is that spirituality is very broad and I talk about the ability to find meaning, the ability to keep hope, all those things are spiritual. Now when I was writing that book and it has 60 real stories of losses, the book, half of them, 30 about the loss of a loved one, but then the other ones, as I said, you know, different ones, including the loss of an animal companion, as you said, with your, you know, beloved dog. So what happened was that I said, when I want to give something to the reader, I want to give something. And that's when I came to create the methodology of the 11 principles. And I just started writing,

writing, writing, writing, writing, and I stopped. And I'm like, there were 11 for me, because you know how it is when we find meaning that is unique to you, things that happen. And when I stopped and I count them, I'm like, oh, wow, how beautiful, because my father died on 11-11. Oh, really? Back in 1971. And I was like, and it was not on purpose. It was not that it just happened.

And I was so fulfilled. I don't know, so touched by that. And the 11 principles is the methodology that I introduced in that book and from that, that methodology is offered as seminars, as coaching programs, as an online program. I work with people throughout 12 weeks. The online program is 12 weeks as well. Right now, it's a self-paced. But this year, I'm going to do it in three months with me.

So besides a self-paced, I'm going to be with a person every week. So we do kind of a group coaching, but at the same time, a little didactic, to teach people about grief because I feel that it's important we know about grief in order to know how to cope when things happen to us because they will happen to us. So that's basically the 11 principles.

And that's the seminar that I brought to, you know, over 100 cities actually, 108 actually, nationwide with PESI for mental health professionals. It was such a beautiful experience that, Chris. So, that's it. That's wonderful. That's wonderful. Now, you also have a podcast too, as well. podcast too as well. I do, yes. And I want to say that all my products, my services, they are bilingual, obviously, you know, in Spanish and in English. The principles, the online program, English and Spanish, the books, most of them, because I have two books which are not in Spanish. One is counseling Hispanics through loss, grief, and bereavement. This book is with Springer and that the intention of that book is

geared for mental health professionals which are not Hispanics. So they understand my culture, you know, so they understand, you know people living here in the United States Specifically so they can understand us and the other one is a workbook That was born out of the seminar, you know When I was doing the seminar with Pessy they came to just to watch me know doing the seminar and all that and they liked It a lot, and they proposed to me if I wanted to create a workbook on the principles with a lot of activities for each principle.

So I wrote it that has been received also. So those two books are all in English, but Transform Your Loss and Allow Me to Live My Grief, those two, which are self-help basically, are also in Spanish. Ah, there you go. Yeah. So multilingual, everybody can get in on the action and the knowledge and how to deal with all the stuff. Now you also do some speaking as well and coaching for meditation,

hypnosis, life transitions, grief coaching, grieving employees. I mean, imagine that's probably important for, you know, I've had companies where someone died and everyone's grieving there. Different losses, divorce, identity, aging parents, and herself. Talk to us about some of these coaching offerings you have. Okay. And I didn't respond before, I'm sorry, because I went into the bilingual thing about the podcast you asked me because

the podcast is bilingual also and it's called Transforming Grief in Spanish, Transformando el duelo. So, it's the same message and it's audio right now. It's not live video yet, but it's like short messages, Chris, between let's say eight to 15 minutes to the point. So I, every week I upload, you know, an episode to the point on last, last week was my hundred, my hundred episode. Wow. Congratulations.

Thank you. I was so excited. I mean, 99% of podcasts never make it to that far. Wow. I was so excited with it. And so it's to the point, and you can see the titles, different aspects of grief. So people can choose, I may want to listen to this. So that's why I chose to do it like that. Now, when you talk about the other aspects of my services

with aging parents, older adults are my passion. I love them. I am a gerontologist. Yes, that's a study of aging. And I did a program in that at the university as well. And I believe that that can be a loss, of course, the loss of youth, you know, the process itself. It depends how we take it.

It depends if we continue finding meaning as we age, finding new purposes. That's very important. And when we talk about taking care of our Asian parents, that is a transition, Chris. That is, as you may know, I don't know your story, but as you may know, and it is a transition. And I love to guide adult children in that transition, having had the experience of course, not only professionally that I studied that and I worked with older adults in adult daycare centers and all that, no, I took care of my mom. I bring a lot of my personal story in my work to my work.

And so I believe that's extremely important to talk about that transition, including the moving, including moving them, you know, from their home that maybe they lived for 50 years. Now they need to move them either to a small apartment, smaller or to an ALF, sometimes a nursing home, how that transition is for the children, how it's for the older adults.

It depends how we take it, how we handle it. It can make a huge difference. So that's something that is very close to my heart to help people in that transition. And also the changes, something that I used to give talks about not lately, but I used to before, like maybe 10 years ago, on Alzheimer's, Alzheimer's and spirituality, because cognitively they're not there. That's a loss for children. That's a huge loss because that is a type of loss we call ambiguous. It's ambiguous because the person physically is still with us. However, cognitively they're not there. So that can be a very strong loss. So all these things, you know, I do it with my heart. Yeah.

There you go. And you help other people and get it done. So anything more we need to cover before we go out? Do we get everything covered? Yes. And you mentioned that I do meditation, I do hypnosis, I am a chemotherapy therapist and I teach meditation, I believe that those are techniques, practices that can help us a lot. Meditation helps us to be mindful, to connect, to slow down, to slow down, to get centered. I believe it helps us a lot. And when we talk about mindfulness, actually there's a beautiful book and I know the author is awesome. The book is

called, Grieving Mindfully. So we go mindfully to our grieving process. We don't rush it, we stay present, you know. When we do meditation, I do it on different topics from being grateful to forgiveness to healing, you know, all those things and hypnosis. It's a beautiful, beautiful tool, technique to help people heal, to help people achieve things they want to achieve because it's not that we, you make them forget. Sometimes people say, no Ligia, please allow me to help me to forget, forget this. I cannot believe it. I wish I did.

I cannot. We can reframe it. We can see it under a different light. Yeah. There you go. So as we go out, give people a pitch to have them pick up your book, onboard, how to reach out to you, find out more, handshake with you on your website, e-mail or phone calls, and dot coms where you want people to find you on the interwebs.

Okay. Thank you, Chris. To all of you, thank you for being here. It's wonderful to share with you this topic that is so close to my heart. If you are going through the loss of a loved one, I send you a hug with all my love and remember that your loved one continues living in you in your heart because love is eternal. And I share my message in different platforms. I am on Instagram, Ligia underscore, who been on Facebook, I have a page. I'm also LinkedIn tick-tock and in in Twitter not much but I am there a little bit now you know it's X but I

have my website L I G I A H O U B S and boy en dot com I have a YouTube channel as well, and my phone number is 305-299-5370. Thank you for that, Chris, for that opportunity. Pete Thank you and thanks for coming to the show and, you know, letting everybody, people know. You got to deal with these brief things. It's so important because you know, you know You're gonna you're gonna carry it carry that you're gonna carry that along ways This is I think the Beatles said you carry that weight a long ways. Anyway guys. Thank you for coming the show We really appreciate it miss Owen and thank you

Then thanks for tuning in. Go to Goodreads.com, Forchess, Chris Foss, LinkedIn.com, Forchess, Chris Foss, Chris Foss 1, on the Tik Tok and all those crazy places on the internet. Be good to each other. Stay safe and I'll see you guys next time. And that should have us