The Chris Voss Show - The Chris Voss Show Podcast – Build New Bridges: The Art of Restoring Impossible Relationships by Greg Stephens

Episode Date: March 17, 2025

Build New Bridges: The Art of Restoring Impossible Relationships by Greg Stephens Amazon.com Alignment-resources.com Do you have relationships you'd like to repair but feel it's too late or don't know where to start? It could be a co-worker, ex-friend, or family member. Perhaps the conflict has gone on for so long that trying something new and different seems hardly worth the effort or even feels like a complete waste of time. In Build New Bridges: The Art of Restoring Impossible Relationships, author Greg Stephens offers practical tools and hope for tackling seemingly insurmountable conflicts. Stephens, a seasoned relationship coach who transformed more than 36 damaged relationships in just 2.5 years, shares his proven methods for rebuilding fractured connections. Key principles include: Embracing Conflict as Growth Accountability and Ownership Mindset Shift and Self-Mastery Effective Communication Skills Tailored Approaches This book provides the tools, inspiration, and practical strategies to restore even the most challenging relationships by fostering breakthroughs, growth, and connection through meaningful conversations and intentional effort.

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Opinions expressed by guests on the podcast are solely their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the host or the Cris Foss show. Some guests to the show may be advertising on the podcast, but it is not an endorsement or review of any kind. Today, an amazing young man on the show, Greg Stevens Stevens joins us. His newest book is out January 20th, 2025, Build New Bridges, The Art of Restoring Impossible Relationships. We're going to get into some of the details of some of the journeys of his life. He's been revolutionizing leadership communications for more than 25 years. He's dedicated his life to helping leaders burn old mindsets and build new bridges in their relationships.

He's a bestselling author, trusted advisor, executive coach, master certified trainer, professional mediator, entrepreneur, podcaster, and public speaker. He has a diverse toolbox of disciplines he uses to help successful leaders drive calculated growth, sharpen their leadership skills, strengthen relationships, and communicate with even greater impact. Welcome to the show. How are you, Greg? Thanks, Chris. Sorry about the long bio there. Oh, we cut it down there for you. Give us your.coms. Where can people find you on the interwebs?

Yeah, alignment-resources.com. Don't forget the dash, but alignment-resources.com or directly at Greg at alignment-resources.com. Pete So, give us a 30,000 overview of what's inside the new book. Greg I wrote this book because I went back and cleaned up all of my past relationships several years ago. It took me two and a half years to do it. And I work with, I work with executives with high potentials, work with a lot of different people and a lot of different industries. And I felt like I wanted to share my application of what I taught to everyone

over the last 24 years. And so it's part autobiography, it's part training, it's part coaching, it's a little of everything, it's how to, but part of it are some of my stories about going and cleaning up my past relationships. And I wanted people to have something that was hands-on that they could actually see how these things work. Because one of the problems is most people take a class or something and then they get out, they don't know how to apply it. Everything about this book is the application of what I've learned.

All inside there, was it 25 years did we say? 24 years, yeah. 24 years of knowledge packed into building new bridges. Why is it important to, I guess, burn the old bridges and start new ones or at least build new ones? Say, don't burn anything. Oh, damn it. As we do it.

I'm a pyro, just wait for it to burn. Burn your mindset. When we look at something, we typically think it's impossible. And I call it impossible relationships because there are four key pieces to make it impossible first. At first, it's a limiting belief. We believe it's impossible. And the second thing, it's based on our evidence of what went wrong in the past. We know we had this conversation that didn't go well with this person. Then they're typically, another piece of it is they're typically really explosive emotions that happen during it. Whether you're shutting

down or whether you're on the attack, the emotions are running it. And what I've also found in that impossible relationship, why we believe that is because both parties don't know the skill sets to have the conversation. Because many times people say, Hey, you need to go have this conversation. We know we need to have it. But no one's really taught us how to do it in an effective way. We probably do it like our parents did or how we've managed along the way, but there's specific skill sets you can follow that can actually help you have that conversation. I mostly send smoke signals. What was that?

I mostly send smoke signals. That's good. Definitely probably need to burn that. Yeah, well, that's what we typically do. We send smoke signals in the form of emails or a text really quick that we come back with. It does. It sparks a fire and we get into what we call a downward spiral and that happens. There are several key principles that you have in the book too as well. Embracing conflict is growth. So does that mean I should just start having MMA fights at the office? They're paying well enough, sure.

Yeah, I'll get Dana White on that. I mean, maybe that's an actual idea for advancement and hierarchy at the company, you know, you got to do Thunderdome, two men enter, one man leave. Pete Slauson And that's how it feels, isn't it? Pete Slauson Yeah. Pete Slauson Yeah. Pete Slauson And what I typically talk with people about is when they see these conversations, we typically want to avoid them.

And if we avoid the conflict, we avoid a breakthrough. Because you don't get to have a breakthrough until there's conflict, hence the word breakthrough. But we typically see it, and we avoid it, so we don't get to go to the next step. And we also avoid it because we don't understand what I call emotional accounting, because what we do in that in that instance, let's say I need to have a conversation on Friday with my boss, and I don't want to have it. I know I can push it off till maybe Tuesday or Wednesday. So I don't have it on Friday, the entire weekend, I stress over it. I think about it. It either I think about it too much or I try to avoid it too much. Come Monday morning. I'm right back where I was. I haven't had the conversation. It's always going to be uncomfortable. I would

trade 15 minutes of uncomfortableness for my entire weekend. And that's the real pain of it. We don't understand it, so we avoid it and we think it'll get better on its own. It rarely does. Pete Slauson The conflict is, you know, you can't resolve anything until sometimes you just got to throw down basically. Jeffery McHugh Yep. But what if I could show you the dance moves or the karate moves or whatever

those moves are to be able to handle it more effectively so you don't get hurt and they don't get hurt. Oh, where's the fun in that it's full contact sport, baby. It seems like it, but then we walk out and go, Oh, that one's going to cost me with the wife. Oh yeah. That'll do it. Why did I say that? Why did that run there?

She's going to hold on that for the next 20 years. You know, I think I'm in my office. I'm just going to set up a, like I said, a thunder dome or maybe there's that slapping one, people probably love that in the office, you know, that have you seen the thing Dana White has now where the people slap each other in the face? No, I haven't seen that. Yes. I don't know how they get away with it because they gotta be getting brain damage from it It's like basically a concussion every time but basically They they chalk up their hands and they hold one hand behind their back and they take whatever their slapping hand is

And the guy has to stand there and take the slap And so he slapped some outside the face and then you know, usually the guy stumbles back there and take the slap. And so he slaps him outside the face. And then, you know, usually the guy stumbles back. Sometimes it passed the hell out. And like I said, there's a lot of brain damage going on in this. But I didn't just leave it. Now that you say that, I saw one of those happen. You did?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I did. I didn't know what I was looking at. Yeah, you're like, what the fuck is going on? Is this like a bad, somebody lost a bet on the Giants? Why am I picking on the Giants? Can they even play football anymore? Oh, that's the Cowboys' never mind. Let's see. It's 2025, the Cowboys are getting a lot of shit, folks, but I'm a Raiders fan, so I can throw it. Anyway, accountability and ownership. Why is accountability important? This seems to be a

world that we live in where, I call it the victim competition world. It's based on emotionalism. So everyone's trying to get the most attention for being the biggest fucking victims. Why is accountability and taking ownership of stuff important, especially maybe, I don't know, in the office or in a relationship? Well, I think it's all our lives. One of the things I constantly say is how you do anything is how you do everything. So what you do at home, you're probably going to do at work and vice versa, not all the time, but most of the time. And if I can't be held accountable or I'm not accountable for what I say, then what are we doing? It's can't

trust what's going on. I need that be able to trust what's happening. And we see that across the realm of our world. We can't trust each other because we have a real loose engagement with our word, what we've said, but most of the time we live on assumptions, Chris. We don't actually make the agreement upfront. Pete Slauson And when you say we live on assumptions, how does that apply? Chris McPherson Let's say I go to my boss. Have I set agreements about how we'll talk through our differences? If I haven't set an agreement about how I'll talk through my differences, I'll actually hold back my opinion many times with my boss because I don't want it to hurt me. But if

I have an agreement about what that looks like, I have a different playing field, and we often get in relationships, even our spouse, we don't even have agreements about how we'll spend money or how we'll discipline the children. And then what happens is when it doesn't go the way you think it should, we get upset because we've had this illusionary idea of how it should go without ever setting up an agreement. Oh, you know, you end up scaring yourself, but yeah, there's, I've read this with people that, you know, you need to have an agreement on how

you fight or how you negotiate maybe is a better word. Mm hmm. Oh, I'd say fight. Yeah. Fight. I just have this street fighter thing in my head that goes off. Fight. You know, anyway, It's your lead in.

It's, I got pumped up listening to your lead in today. It was just like so good. It's pretty good. I'm still hard from it actually. The, yeah, we love the lead in. Everyone loves the lead in. It's pretty awesome. I never, I don't think I've ever had anybody say they hated the lead in.

They, they, it gets everybody motivated. It does. So, so when you say accountability, does that mean just for you or do you also need to make sure the other party you're holding accountable by setting boundaries, et cetera, et cetera? Yeah. I think the hardest thing many times is holding ourselves accountable to what we've said we would do. That's called integrity. But if I don't speak up to you, if you work for me, Chris, I get upset, but I don't speak

about it. I hold it against you. It starts to build until it explodes. And so we hold on to these things without ever really having the conversation about them. One, because we don't know how to have it. Two, we believe that if we do have it, it's going to make things worse. And so we avoid it, or we just hope someone else will pick the slack up. I have a lot of people who can't stand working

with their colleagues and they expect the boss to handle it. Well, I've also found boss doesn't understand these skills. They're just trying to get by, manage up and manage down. And you run into those kinds of problems and waiting for other people to do things is no way to hold yourself or others accountable. That's true. You know, we've talked about this in the show, we talked about it in my book about how, you know, you need to be a leader who walks their talk. And too many companies and leaders, you know, they put out these PR statements like, oh, we're going

to be good, moral and awesome and highly ethical. And what's the favorite one from Google? Don't do evil. They finally did so much evil. They're like, let's take that one off. We should just quit using that. We're not fooling anybody around here. But some people think they can push that. No, we're not fooling anybody around here. But, you know, some people think they can push that. And then when they see the leader, you know, acting in a way that

goes against statements, and he may have said, or they see the company behaving a certain way, then they go, hey, you're, you know, you're full of shit. You don't, you know, walk and talk your talk there. and then you lose faith in people and yeah, it's a big deal. Then they don't also tell, call the leader on it because why would I do that? How could I do that? Is there a way I could do that? That's one of the things that we run into.

I actually did a training for, you know, who the company was if I said them and it was interesting because one of their core values was respect. And I went in and we were talking about something I said, I was talking about these skills and someone said, you'd have to have respect to do that. I said, that's what your core values is. It says it right on the door outside. I said, is that so or is that that just an advertisement? And everyone in the room just shut their mouth. They were scared to speak. And so calling it out, one of the things I found is bad behavior

can only live when we don't call it out. It lives in the darkness. When we call it out in the light, it starts to fade away. It's true. But how can I do that and be respectful as I do it? If you're my boss, how do I pull you aside and have that conversation to show you that I do respect you that I do care about your goals and how you're not living this might be affecting your management ability. And I know you want to get to the next run. That might be a different conversation. But you have to lay to the next run. That might be a different conversation, but you have to lay it out in the proper way first. You got to set the stage.

So it sounds like you really help people setting the stage and framing everything like, okay, we're going to have a conversation about this, but here's the ground rules or anytime we have a conversation, we have to have this type, here's the ground rules, that sort of thing. Yeah. It's one of the things I tell people it's about speaking your truth respectfully. Oh, damn it. I'm speaking my truth disrespectfully. Yeah, but that's what we end up doing, especially when we get emotional. The thing is, is that gives us a jolt of adrenaline.

It feels good at times. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. But then everyone hates you after that. And it costs you more than, that goes back to the emotional accounting. Oh, that one, I wrote a big check on that one. Yeah, especially with the wife, right? Yeah.

So tell us about your journey through life, how you grew up, how you got to the point you did and how you got into the position you are? David Morgan I don't want to go too long, but I was in corporate America working for a large pharmaceutical company for 13 years. They paid for me to do all kinds of education. I put myself to college because I was on my own at 17. And when I found that they would pay for every any class I wanted, I for 13 for 12 of those 13 years, I took as many classes I could. And I learned human development, human behavior, human potential, psychology, sociology. And then I hired a life coach. I was looking at getting out of what I was doing. And after a while, I just said, this isn't working. He said, have you ever thought about what

I'm doing? You've done got the background for it. Being a coach and training, I thought, I never thought about that. And so for the next two and a half years, I worked with him and kept my job, but learned to be a coach and a trainer. And then I went out on my own in 1999 and nearly starved. And then in about 2003, my business turned around and until I started my second business alignment resources, I didn't have to look for a client in almost 20 years. Wow, that's pretty awesome. So yeah, it built up. Then during COVID, I always thought, you know, I'm at that peak of my,

some of the work I was doing. I thought, what do you do when everything looks bad? What do you want to do expand? And that's why I decided to set it, start a second business and actually go deeper into the executive realm and work in that. But I also work with people who've been divorced that have to deal with their ex, still have to deal with their ex, or people who are retired and possibly financially independent, but need to have conversations with their family,

haven't learned how. So all of that kind of led up to what I'm doing, but I did a lot of different work in a lot of different industries. And I pretty much in the last 25 years, I've spoken in nearly every industry to every group there is. Wow. Congratulations. That's pretty freaking awesome. Thanks. Came from nothing, but turned it around. Effective communication skills, you kind of alluded this early on, require more than just communicating. You've got to lay the groundwork, you've got to set the table, have some rules. Do you kind of have to understand the communication styles of each person that are in the conflict? Pete Slauson That's helpful. That's helpful, but it's not

necessary. Pete Slauson Okay. Pete Slauson It's interesting. It's kind of, that's why I love calling my book, The art of restoring impossible relationships, because it's an art and you pull out different tools at different times. I would suggest a person's personality type, things like that are kind of the details of a room. I'm going to actually drywall some things like that. There are some things that are foundational though, you need a

strong foundation, you need a strong steel. I don't know enough about construction, but you you have to build from the bottom up. And I would suggest building from the bottom up. It's all about mastering our own emotions. Because when we manage our emotions, then that's the only thing we can really control. Typically, we go in, we want someone else to change, but you've got no ability to do that. But if I change how I do things, you may have to change how you engage with me. So if you're not getting results one way, look to change yourself, look to get a new skill, learn something different so you can show up differently the

next time, maybe say it differently. Pete Slauson Yeah, that'll do it. If you say it differently then you can, you know, sometimes, you know, when you're communicating with people, it is how you say it. And, you know, sometimes I have to look at my communication and go, is, am I the one miscommunicating? Am I not communicating effectively what I'm trying to convey and what I'm trying to talk to this person about? You know, maybe they don't quite understand me. Chris McPherson Yeah. And maybe they're just stupid. So, I need to adjust for that. Pete Slauson There are times, Chris, when I've been teaching

clearly, I give a message and someone hears something completely different. Pete Slauson Yeah. Pete Slauson We've all had that. And even when you're good at it, doesn't mean it's gonna, they're gonna hear it the right way. And most of the time it's a dance. So, you know, there's the hard skills and the soft skills. Communication are the soft skills. I tell people, no, there's the hard skills and then there's the much harder skills because these are much harder.

You have to shift with every relationship, every circumstance. Also what worked tomorrow may not work today. What worked on you may not work on John over there. Yeah. The, it's, it's pretty unique to everything and how it goes into it. But you help people communicate better. I mean, that's, so many people, they fight, they have relationships, they ruin relationships, and there really are no ground rules. Pete Yeah. Pete And you know, I've of course grown and we've had many wonderful authors like yourself on the

show that have taught, you know, hey, there's,, hey, it's more than just talking to each other and yelling at each other. There's more nuance to it and detail. And so a lot of people, it's something they need to figure out. And if you want to be an effective communicator, I think it's really important as a leader in being an effective communicator to be good at adjusting to different people's communication styles and analyzing, you know, what you're doing and if you're communicating right, I think that's really important. Yeah. It's interesting because if you work with any executives or even management and you give someone a 360 assessment. Most people are surprised by their 360 assessments, by how they're viewed by their team, or other people are managing. And that's because there's

been a breakdown of communication. I think I'm doing everything right. But I don't see what they see. That's just it. My friend, Chris Douglas used to say, you can't read the label from inside the jar. You're too close. You're too close to it. You can't see yourself. And so when you run into when you walk into a room, you see everyone else, what's the one person you don't see? It's yourself. But everyone else sees you. And that's just it. Stephen Covey said this, we judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions. And when you understand that, you don't see your behavior, all you see is your intention. So I have people who are leading, they have great intentions, but they're seen as a tyrant.

But if they were able to show their people the intention and communicate that, everything could begin to shift, but they don't understand that they're the ones standing in their way. Pete Slauson Yeah. When it comes down to it, intent is really everything for a lot of details. Joe Sweeney It is. Oh yeah, that's what people get upset about. It's not what you've said. It's what they think your intent is. Because if I, you might say, oh, you're, you know, you did okay today,

Greg. All of a sudden, what's Chris doing to me? He doesn't like me. I place bad intent on what you say. Okay, you might be going, you did great. But we have a different interpretation and that's part of what we have to do in our messaging. We have to begin with our good intent. Pete Slauson Isn't it interesting how we, some people build stories in their head about stuff. Jared Larson Oh, yeah. Pete Slauson Because, you know, maybe there's no communication

or poor communication or they just assume stuff and the most elaborate stories and you're just like, no, I was just thinking about something that doesn't do the humans. It's just funny. Well, I think that happens with couples so much. What are you thinking about? I'm pretty much nothing right now. But my wife sometimes thinks, I've got something else going on. What is he up to? He's up to something. There's nothing going on over here sometimes. Yeah, there's nothing. Sometimes you're just like, I have some people that are like, you seem upset.

I'm like, no, you walked into my office while I'm working and I'm probably upset about something that somebody did or whatever, some bullshit I'm dealing with, somebody flipped shit over something. And so I'm not angry with you, I'm angry with that person. And just because you walk in and interrupt me in the middle of what I'm doing doesn't mean that I'm angry at you. Right. And, you know, it's a real challenge that way sometimes where they'll misinterpretate what you're doing. You were short with me. Yeah, I'm busy. You walked into my office.

Yeah. What do you think I am just here with open arms going, I can't wait for Bob to come in the room. Come on in, Jody. Let's go. You know, it's, you know, sometimes, especially when they interrupt you when you're on the move and you're like, I'm thinking about where I'm going. And, and yeah, so it can sometimes be hard because I've had people accuse me of being short with them or being angry at them. And I'm just like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm angry at a bunch of people online right now, but there's nothing with you. But yeah, you're going to

tell that I'm angry, but you know, it's not all about you You don't have to be so obsessed about every fucking thing, but Well, but I call that I call that grinding the gears because you're in production mode when you're in that office and Someone comes and says something what they've done is just pull you out of production They've slowed it down somewhat and I'm thinking about a problem, all of a sudden, it gets transferred. What they see, you're just what's wrong, nothing's wrong. I'm just trying to get some things done. I'm worried about this. But they don't see any of that. They just see Chris going,

raise his voice, what do you want? Oh, you seem short. It's grinding the gears, you've taken my direction, my production and shifted it somewhere else right now. It's frustrating. But guess what? You can get back on track. Yeah. So tell us some of the offerings you have on your website. What sort of things you do?

I see there's some workshops and other things you offer there. Yeah. I have a company that we do a multitude of different workshops with different trainers that do that. I don't do training anymore, but I have a couple of things. I have a mastermind group that goes over relationships that works from my book. I have people read the book and then we talk about the mastermind. If we do a true mastermind, it's an hour a week for three months. And then I have a couple other programs. I call them mastermind. It's an hour a week for three months. And then I have a couple other programs that call them a master teams. Now master teams a little different. Mastermind is

everyone coming in and putting out a problem talking about it as a group. A masterclass is one instructor leading you through a process of learning. My master team is a combination of the mastermind and the masterclass. And in that, we also do, people come in with different relationships, they want to go improve, clean up or complete. And they go through and they learn how to message it, they learn how to manage their emotions. Also, they learn how to manage the emotions of others, how to hold people accountable. So, we learn how to manage the emotions of others, how to hold people accountable. So we teach all of that. And that typically, that class lasts

for six months, and it's an hour a week for 20 weeks. And what I found is there's a lot of great trainings out there. I did them for years. I did Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Crucial Inf influence. There's great trainings out there. But the real key is application. And that's just it. You need consistency and help to learn to apply what you've learned in a training class. And that's what I do. I try to help people take the concept and theory into their life. So they actually begin getting results. And probably the biggest back that people tell me is they've stopped avoiding conversations. They know how to lean into them.

They don't shy away from, they know it's gonna be uncomfortable, but that discomfort lands for five to 10 minutes. Most of our deep conversations aren't more than 15. Now I've been in my most difficult conversation I've ever been in was five and a half hours long. I never want to do that again. But let me put it in context for you. I was splitting a business up after two and a half years with a business partner. Now, how long do you think lawyers would have taken? More than five and a half hours? Yeah. And would we have walked out with a closer or more distance

relationship had I involved lawyers? Probably more distance. Yeah, absolutely. And I can tell you, I didn't enjoy that. It wasn't fun. But at the end of it, I was so glad we handled it that way. Now, that's my longest one for I've ever done 101. So, most of these are 5 to 10 minutes, and I would trade that 5 or 10 minutes of uncomfortableness of knowing how to do it for my entire weekend. But most of the time, it's not a weekend, it's days, weeks, months, for some people years, when they've avoided conversation. Wow.

And so that's one of the things I did, Chris, when I started the books about me going and cleaning up all my past relationships. So ex-wives, I had two of them, family members, ton of ex-girlfriends, old bosses, old direct reports, old colleagues, the gamut of it. I covered it all and it took me two and a half years. So I come from a place of- Pete Slauson You pissed off a lot of people. Jeffery Lick I did. And I avoided a lot of conversations. Pete Slauson Oh, yeah.

Jeffery Lick And it wasn't something I thought I would ever do. But when I started teaching what I'm teaching, I thought, goes back to someone doing what they said, I thought, I need to have practiced this if I want people to really listen to me. And so, that's what I did. Pete Slauson Yeah, you definitely, you definitely gotta have it down so that people are like, like we talked about before, you're walking your talk and talking your walk. So as we go out, tell people how they can onboard with you, how they can reach out, what types of people or teams or companies you work with, etc., etc.

Yeah. Thank you, Chris. You can go to alignment-resources.com to get a hold of us. We have a program on there that says Master Teams or Master Minds. Just sign up and tell us what you want. We'll have one of our team members reach out to you. We have other training programs on there as well from different trainers.

We've even got one gentleman, Darden Smith, it's called collaborative songwriting. So groups get together and they have a team meeting and they write a song. These are usually off sites that people do. So we have a collective group of trainers and coaches, but I specialize in the area of these difficult conversations.

So my master team, my mastermind classes are what I teach. And again, we have different classes to go in your price range and timeframe. They go up to three months or six months. I don't take clients typically more than a six month period because in that time I will teach you how to communicate in a way that will stick with you the rest of your life. Oh, wow. That sounds awesome. Give us your.com so we can go out so people can find you

on the interwebs. Yeah. It's alignment-resources.com. That's how you can get ahold of us. Thank you very much for coming to the show. We really appreciate it. It's been very insightful and hopefully everyone can learn to communicate or at least, you know, do conflict better. Chris Thanks, Chris. I appreciate you having me on. Pete The Thunderdome. Two men enter, one man leaves. That's what I think of when I think of conflict. Anyway, guys, don't be like that. Go to Goodreads.com for more information on the other places on the internet. Order up the book wherever fine books are sold. Build new bridges. conflict.