The Chris Voss Show - The Chris Voss Show Podcast – Courageous Conversation by Elizabeth Bennett

Episode Date: November 17, 2023

Courageous Conversation by Elizabeth Bennett Courageousnetwork.com https://amzn.to/3G5VpqG Do you want more meaningful conversations with your teen? Does the fear of them getting into trouble or being bullied keep you up at night? Are you asking yourself if you'll ever get past monosyllabic responses to your questions about their day? You were a teenager once, but raising a teen today looks very different. You want the best communication to stay connected and to keep your child safe. In Courageous Conversations, Elizabeth Bennett provides the tools she's learned and developed as a teacher and school administrator. Through gripping examples from her real-life experience, Elizabeth presents solutions for parents to relate meaningfully with their teens. Learn how to: - understand what your teen struggles to tell you - create formative school connections - talk through struggles - reframe behaviours .... and more. If you're raising a teenager and want to truly connect with them and meet them in their space, Courageous Conversations gives you the practical tips and the insight you crave. About Elizabeth Bennett With over 35 years of teaching, administration and coaching experience, Elizabeth offers a unique blend of leadership, vision and vast knowledge background. She is a former (retired), award winning principal who has a relentless passion for empowering people to take on their lives with joy and love. Elizabeth is dedicated to sharing her desire to create positive and connected relationships, focusing on community and business leaders, educators and especially parents. (and yes, I even work with teens to help them see alternative perspectives.)

You wanted the best. You've got the best podcast, the hottest podcast in the world. The Chris Voss Show, the preeminent podcast with guests so smart you may experience serious brain bleed. The CEOs, authors, thought leaders, visionaries, and motivators. Get ready, get ready, strap yourself in. Keep your hands, arms, and legs inside the vehicle at all times, because you're about to go on a monster education roller coaster with your brain. Now, here's your host, Chris Voss. I'm Oaks Voss here from thechrisvossshow.com. There you go.

When the big iron lady sings it, you know the show is officially on. So there you go. Welcome to the show, my big family and friends. As always, we have the most smartest and brightest minds on the show. The people that educate you, make you smarter. They give you what we call the Chris Voss glow. This up to an hour, what is it, three to four times a weekday, 15 to 20 shows a week we do. Just like radio, old-timey radio, if you will.

Um, and, uh, we bring you the smartest minds, the billionaires, the CEOs, the White House presidential advisors, the astronauts, people from all walks of life. Uh, and they bring you their condensed version of all their juiciness of information and knowledge that you put it in your brain and your brain lights up and goes, Oh my God, I, I don't know what your brain does. Cause I'm not in your brain, but I'm making up this. I go on, but you get the Chris Foss show glow and that's what it's all about. In fact, we were joking in the prior show that maybe we're going to call the Chris Foss

show fans, the glowy or the global ease or something. I don't know. It says to you with the Chris Foss show glow Globalees or something. I don't know. It has to do with the Chris Voss Show Glow. Anyway, enough of that. The Chris Voss Show has finally, after 15 years, been sent to the principal's office, ladies and gentlemen. We have been bad.

I don't know what we did, but that's usually what engaged in most of my principal visits to the office. But we are going to the principal's office today, and we're going to find out what it's all about and accept our punishment or whatever. It's not going to be punishment. It's going to be a great time. We're going to have a lot of fun. Elizabeth Bennett joins us on the show today. Her newest book is called Courageous Conversation. It came out November 22, 2022,

and it's a guide for parents to understand and connect with their teens. You know, assuming you want to or anything, but some of your teens I've seen, and I'm just like, I think it's a restraining order, but there you go. So this is her wonderful book that she has out and helping parents with their teenage-dom, not their personal teenage-dom. I mean, they still have issues from that, but their children with their teenage-dom. Not their personal teenage-dom.

I mean, they still have issues from that, but their children's personal teenage-dom. This is probably giving them teenage-dom problems. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Elizabeth Bennett is an esteemed retired principal, hence the principal's office reference, with 35-plus years in education, coaching, and administration. She's known as the teen genie,

and she's positively impacted a thousand teenagers and their families. Elizabeth's mission is to transform adversity into love-filled spaces, reflected in her contribution to eight best-selling books and her own guide, Courageous Conversations, a guide for parents to understand and connect with their teens. My side note, assuming if you want to. I don't know. They're kind of weird, and they smell bad sometimes.

I'm just teasing. Her dedication to fostering positive change, one courageous conversation at a time, shines through with unwavering compassion and resilience. Welcome to the show, Elizabeth. Or should I call you Principal Elizabeth? No, Elizabeth's fine. Thanks, Chris.

There you go. You probably have 35 years of that. You probably have enough of that whole thing going on. So welcome to the show, Elizabeth. Give me your dot coms so we can find you on the interwebs. Courageousnetwork.com. There you go. And on Courageousnetwork.com and the book, give us, in your words,

a 35,000 overview of what's inside. Well, it really is about having connection. And part of that is my own journey through my own experience as a youth and then into teaching and so on. And really, it's about taking a look at how we show up for our kids and how they show up for us. Because we know that, you know, every person has a background. And I always point back there, you know, we, we have our traumas and experiences and the way we were raised and so on. And we need to understand that part of that, even though we think we've got it all under control,

and it's in the background, and it's behind us, there's still a filter that shows up. And that's how we see things, and that's how we speak through things, and that's how we hear things, and that's how we show up for each other. And our kids have similar filters. And so part of the information that I share in the book is about being able to really have

dedicated listening to each other, because here's what happens. You and I are having conversation or, you know, or wherever that that leads. And, you know, you say something, and I have already six solutions to that problem, right. And so what we need to be able to do, and this is what I teach parents about my five strategies of dedicated listening, is for them to be able to move their judgment out of the way and be engaged with their teen and invite them into conversation so that they understand what's going on in that teen's life. Because typically you'll get something like, and this is an honest question, you know, a parent hasn't seen their kid all day and they say, hey, honey, how's it going? And how was your day? And the typical four-letter responses are fine, good, or this other one that appears is either a grunt or yeah, whatever, right?

And so the parent says, so what did you do all day? And the kid says, nothing. Well, what do you mean you did nothing? You were away for eight hours, right? So there's that point of escalation for the parent and the level of apathy is point of escalation for the parent. And the level of apathy is starting to show up for the kid. And so then up comes the hoodie, in go the earbuds, out comes the cell phone, and they're out of there. Really, both of them are left a little bit heartbroken because the teenager wants you to ask about them, not their day.

Oh, holy crap. Well, that just blew my mind. I've always, you know, this, I mean, it happens so often. It's kind of a meme or, you know, one of those things, you know, it's kind of like a joke, a punchline, you know, of the parents of the kid who comes home, what was your day like? The kid says nothing. But that's the whole, instead, because sometimes I remember being as a teen, it was about how did you do today?

It really meant like, hey, did you pass your test? Did you get good grades? And you're just like, oh, man, man, you don't care about me, you just care about my grades. And they'd say yes. So that was that. But I don't care about me, you just care about my grades. And they'd say yes. So that was that. But I don't know. That's probably a big problem with Chinese parents.

You know, those tiger moms. You know, they worry about the grades. But no, that gives me just an epiphany. It blows my mind. So what should the better questions be? Well, I mean, it could start with that one. How was your day? But people and that's the piece that people need to recognize is they've already been in that day for eight hours.

Just like you've been in your day for eight hours. Right. And they need to have a pause from it. And compress, maybe. That's right. And, you know, either, you know, you can sit and have a tea or a drink or a pop or whatever together, or they can take some time to decompress, you know, if they want to change their clothes or go hang out for a bit and then come back and see your teen, you know, sort of with a mopey face or they, you know, they've been grumpy or grouchy or so on, then you can identify that and say something like, you know, I've noticed that you've been a little bit out of sorts these days. And I mean, if you choose a word and it's not the right one, they will certainly tell you. So, you know, you just try another one and say, well, you just look a little out of

sort. So tell me what's going on. Yeah. Ask about them. And then that's why I call it courageous conversations, because we need to step out of our comfort zone and be a little bit more vulnerable in that space that's a little bit out there. You know, we're not sure which direction it's going to go in.

But if we're in the space of compassion at the same time to say, look, I just want to know what's going on because I haven't seen you lately. Or, you know, I noticed that your friends aren't coming around. What's going on there? You know, so that there's a different space a different space, and that it's not about judgment. And it's not about us coming up with solutions or, or ideas for, you know, what we think they need to be doing, but rather, in, you know, and that's why I emphasize the piece about invitation, because it's, can we come and sit down, and then being able to say, you know, I've noticed that I have been.

So now you're taking on responsibility for your actions too. To say, I recognize that I've been annoyed with you lately because I've asked you six or seven times to do something. And it appears that it takes you that long maybe to do it or not. And I get that it must have an impact on you too, so that you're recognizing where they are as well. Hmm. This is pretty amazing. Do you find, I want to ask you about your history and stuff, but to a quick question before it escapes me,

is this one of the challenges that parents have is they still think that they're talking to a child that they need to instruct or problem solve for, and they haven't somehow, you know, realized that this is now a burgeoning adult, is burgeoning the right word? Yeah, you know, a new adult. And there's a whole different sort of gameplay here where, you know, you're not really babysitting them anymore or trying to, you know, make sure they don't fall over when they're walking around your thing. You know, it's a whole different sort of dynamic.

Is it maybe people haven't clicked that over in their heads or something? Well, I think part of it really comes from the place of how they were raised. And as much as we all try to say, oh, we're going to be very different than how our parents were, I think there's still that background and still some of those elements that sneak into your space as an adult, as a parent, right? So, you know, there are still people that think that the only way to raise children is to be an authoritarian. It's my way or the highway, you know, that kind of thing. And they're not willing to even depart or open a different kind of conversation because for them, there's fear about losing control. And so the more they do that, the more control their child steps up with, because now they are resistant to what you're

saying and what you're doing, and they don't give a shit, that kind of idea. So they're going to really collide with each other. Whereas if there's a space of saying, look, you know, this really isn't working as well as we'd like it to. And I get that I'm frustrated. And so I start yelling and, and getting annoyed with you. And you do a similar kind of thing. And it's not it appears not to be working for either of us. So how can we, and this is the invitation piece, how can we work together to do things differently? Because everybody has a contribution to making this house work differently. There you go. You know how I found to fix all these problems with the kids and teenagers. I just sent my kids as soon as they were born in military school and they get one

call a year and then they get to see me when they're 18. Although I've moved several times on purpose. So and fake my death at least once. So there you go. So tell us a little bit about your upbringing and your journey. How did you become a principal? What made you interested in this sort of stuff and teaching and and helping parents with their teenagers? Well, I wanted to be a teacher when I was in third grade because I liked that teacher so much. And I thought, yep, this is one of the

things I wanted to do. Well, I had three. I had three things I wanted to do. I wanted to be a police officer. I wanted to be a flight attendant and I wanted to be a teacher. So at that point in time, I was, oh, there was something, there were some rules or regulations about height and so on. And because I'm not 6'3", only in my brain, I didn't fit the qualifications for those other two. So I just continued along that space. Now, backing that up to asking about what my background was, I came from a tumultuous background. There was domestic violence.

There was alcoholism. You know, there was sexual abuse. And so I tried my best to stay away from what was going on in that environment and to give to people. So when I was in high school, I, you know, I got involved with charity things, you know, collecting food bank items or, you know, giving to the church or doing some kinds of things because I felt that that was at least a positive escape for me and I could give to others. And I also grew up, you know, I mean, I was born a couple of minutes ago. And I think at that point in time, it was like children should be seen and not heard.

Money doesn't grow on trees. Don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about. You know, boys don't cry. And those kinds of things of that time. And also of that time time everything was secretive so you couldn't i didn't have anybody else to speak to about stuff that was going on because i didn't know how and i also technically wasn't allowed right because you had to keep those things at at home um and i was also an only child too so i didn't even have anybody to share that with in my home.

But as I went along my journey and I, you know, went to school, I was first in the field of education, all right, recreation, and then I did some work in community development and so on with grassroots organizations. And then I went into education. So when I started with that as a teacher, and then even as a beginning administrator as an assistant principal, I was noticing more and more things with kids having issues with bullying. And, you know, and, and name calling and really rude, crude and socially unacceptable kinds of things that were going on. So having those conversations in class and giving, you know, demonstrating to kids how they could speak differently, how they could do different things. And then partway through my journey, I thought, Hmm, I'm going to be that I'm going to find

the silver bullet to ending all of this, right? I'm going to be rich and famous. I'm going to find the silver bullet to ending all of this, right? I'm going to be rich and famous. I'm going to write a book. I'm, you know, this is, I'm going to have the, the ultimate solution for finding, for, you know, stopping this bullying thing. And, and so I did some work around it. I, you know, I, I, um, helped to create in a community, uh community for them to strive to be bullying, bully free and with the schools and so on. But then it sort of lost its way, as you know, you know, with new leaders in, in town halls and so on, those things get, you know,

the lovely things of the moment get cast aside and it's not anybody's fault. It just is what it is. And I moved schools too. And so there wasn't that same kind of connection within that community. But what I recognized along that journey and having more conversations with kids and having more conversations with parents saying, you know, I don't know how to connect with my kid. I don't know what to say to them. I don't know what they're doing. I'm really afraid for them because everything is getting to be much bigger and scarier in the world. And then that's when I recognized that really it's about community and it's about connection. It's about relationship and it's

about everybody working together. This isn't a one person solution thing, but this is having people recognize and be part of making the change together. And that's why I'm on this bigger mission about getting to schools and getting to families and having this be a place where we need to stop bullying, but it's up to us to make that happen. Yeah. I tell people if they don't stop bullying her, I'm going to punch them in the face. No, don't do that. That's just a joke, people. We do jokes on the show. Don't write me.

But no, I like how you have this courageous conversations. And it's tough. I remember I played pseudo stepdad. I was engaged. So I played pseudo stepdad with two young kids of a gal. I was engaged. So I played pseudo stepdad, um, with two young kids, uh, of a gal that I was dating. And, um, I remember when, uh, the son turned 11 or 12 ish, it was, you know, it was kind of sometimes weird and hard to watch him, you know, develop his ego, I guess you call it. Uh, you correct me if I'm wrong. Cause you're the pro here, but you know,

he, he would kind of, sometimes he'd say things. Like he'd say something really offensive. And then he'd have this, like, really smart ass and offensive to us. And then he'd have this look on his face like, did that just come out of my mouth? And he'd be like, you know, you could tell he was sorry. But, you know, just watching him kind of fumble through trying to figure out who he was and develop. And I remember one of my friends who worked for me told me a lot of great advice over the years. And one of the key advices he told me is you got to give kids a hallway, but it's got to be a good-sized hallway.

You got to let them bounce around and hit the walls. There has to be some structure there. But you got to be a good-sized hallway. You've got to let them bounce around and hit the walls. There has to be some structure there. But you've got to give them room. You can't just try and force them to walk the straight and narrow. But, yeah, it's a hard time for kids. They're trying to develop who they are and what they're about and what the world is and boys and girls they're interested in. So there's that whole thing going on.

Well, usually when I start a talk that I give and I say, I absolutely love teenagers. I love their piss and vinegar attitude. I love their raging hormones. I love everything about them. However, probably parents don't. And parenting is like riding a roller coaster blindfold. Oh, yeah.

With ups and downs and twists and turns and, you know, moments of sheer exhilaration and moments of absolute horror and terror for their kids. But here's what really is happening in their world. Bullying is rampant. Mental health concerns are through the roof. Social isolation. As wonderful as our cell phone is to gather information, it's also a place of social isolation because kids are diving into their cell phones looking for acknowledgement. They're looking for their likes. They think that there's a perfect virtual world in there, and we know it doesn't exist. And now, based in North America alone, just Canada and the United States,

suicide is the second cause of death of teens. And kids as young as eight and nine are taking their lives. They see, you know, they're choosing a permanent solution to a temporary problem because most of the time, the things that they are concerned about are really, we slough them off and say, oh, don't worry about it, honey. My mother used to say that to me. Don't worry about it, honey. Just go to school. Do your best.

Make some friends and so on. Except she didn't know that I didn't go to the bathroom all day during the day because there were bully girls in the bathroom. Oh, wow. There were kids that were selling drugs and they were trying to pawn them off on everybody. I mean, there was lots of things going on at that time. And now, you know, I mean, kids have, they have enormous pressures, some of which they place on themselves

because they can't see and they don't have the strategies and tips and tricks that they need to have in order to be able to see the bigger picture. Because I mean, some of the things that impact them now are, you know, am I wearing the right shoes? Do I have the right clothes on? Is that the color of my hair the right color for today? And do I have friends? Do I not have friends? My hormones are raging. Am I sleeping? What's going on with this test? Do my parents want me to do well?

Do they even care if I do well? And then love and hate and anxiety and pressure and all those things. And they carry that all the time, Chris. It's like carrying a backpack with 25 rocks and each rock has one of those issues on it. And they carry that all the time and they don't know how to express those feelings and concerns. So they don't know how to ask for help from home. Yeah. And so it's good that you're bridging the

gap for that. I think about, I think it's 10 or 13 states right now have filed a massive lawsuit against social media companies because of the impact they're having on young kids. You know, a couple of the social media companies got away with over the, I know TikTok did over the 13 and older rule. I know Facebook got away with it for years where they they weren't supposed to be having kids on their platforms that weren't 13 or without parental consent. But the impact that it's having in the fantasy world that Instagram, I think Instagram is the worst, especially for young girls, teaches is so insidious. I mean, you have people down in la they can go

down for 60 bucks or 120 bucks and they can take a picture in a studio that makes it look like they're on a private plane it's just a cutaway plane studio and they can pretend like they're influencers and you know this whole fake it till you make it thing. And so the fear of missing out and the pressure of like, well, you know, this guy's 20 and he's, you know, drinking in private planes. And then, you know, women, Instagram is just an incredible, crazy place where everything's hanging out. And I mean, it used to be when I was a kid, there was certain corners you drive by and you'd be like, wow, that's, that's interesting. There's a lot to see there now on Instagram, it's everywhere. And I think, I think it causes the kids to like, do I have to compete with that? Do I have to let everything hang out?

Do I have to, you know, try and have the jet plane and, you know, all this stuff. Well, and we know full well, too. I mean, we've seen actors and, you know, entertainers and so on who have taken their lives. And we've only seen the good side of their life, right? We see them in movies. We see them in, you know, when the Grammys come or the Oscars or whatever. And they're all dressed to the nines and everything else. But we don't see behind the scenes. Nor should we always have to,

but that's the disconnect for kids when they only see that, you know, that plane or they, you know, see the flashy cars and, you know, because you can stand beside a Ferrari. I have a picture standing beside a Ferrari too, the local gym, you know, and I know the guy, but, you know, and I know the guy, but, you know, that's, that was just for fun, but there's that disconnect in what they believe has to be

important. So there was an advertisement, wasn't very long ago on Facebook, and it was about this young woman or this young girl who, you know, you see her sort of life cycle very quickly in the commercial. And, you know, she's playing with her dolls and so on. And then she gets to, I think, 11 or 12 and she gets a cell phone and it's the biggest deal. And, you know, and then it cuts to the next piece where her face is in it all the time. And her mother says to go and do something. And, you know, she rolls her eyes like typical girls would. And I think they've been practicing that since grade two. And then you see this young girl looking at her phone and she's listening to someone on there tell her that she has to you know she she can't

eat certain things and she has to measure her her weight and she has to and so then it leads to anorexia and you see this young woman in a in a care center with her you know medical bracelet on and the the the um the sign says anorexic clinic. And then, you know, that woman, that young woman with her mother, and then another young woman with her mother and so on saying, you know, they've been in recovery for six months or eight months or so on. And it's just a really fabulous demonstration about what happens and the kinds of misconceptions that kids get themselves involved with yeah that we need to start having more conversations with them about that right i totally agree and i think one of the problems is correct me if i'm wrong is

not only are the kids got their heads stuck in that phone the parents do like i remember when the ipads first came out and you know phones really started catching on with everybody like they with the iphone i would go out to dinner and i would see like whole families you know two parents to two kids and they'd all be looking into their individual phone and just eating. It was like watching cows, just docile cows looking at their phones. So the parents are distracted too and off on their own planet. I have a friend who's got two or three young daughters, and they're that preteen, teenage, 12-ish, 13, I think. And he has to almost sit down with them daily and explain things they're seeing on Instagram and go, honey, this isn't real.

These people are, you know, what they're putting up is fake. There's a lot of posing and, you know, stuff like that going on. It's very LA-ish, if you will. And so he constantly has to do that he constantly has to try and maintain their reality uh based upon you know what they see you know in the kardashians and you know these girls who buy these purses and you know they're flying off to dubai you know he has to explain what that's all about and uh he says it's a constant battle. It's a real struggle. Please tell him he's doing an outstanding job because lots of parents don't engage. I had a conversation just recently with

a family and I had suggested to them that they have conversation with their daughter about the whole idea that she's continually in her phone and they have given her the opportunity to be responsible and independent and i i delicately said that yes you pay the bill though and if anything were to happen because i've certainly had police officers come into the schools that i've been in and have conversations with kids about, you know, cybersecurity and about, you know, being response. And we teach it, too, about being a responsible digital citizen and that we, you know, we don't want what we say on our cell phone to be the title of the newscast that night. That's true. Yeah. Or worse. I mean, yeah, I mean, you, you and I were lucky. We grew up in an age where there's no record of what pretty much, uh, you know, except for my prison record.

People are like, you went to prison? That makes, everything makes sense now. No, I never went to prison, people. But, you know, there was no record of anything we did. So, you know, when we threw the baseball through the window, I think I did that once. You know, it's not memorized for all of attorney, although I just did. You know, and so it was kind of better. The other big thing that I see, especially with young women and actually middle-aged, older women, is a real caught up in the attention and validation thing. And that's always been important for women, attention and validation,

especially for men to go, oh, men think I'm good looking. You know, it's part of our whole propagation of species uh operandi uh but i've seen this addiction to where it's addicted some people are addicted to so many men that they just they can't pair bond they can't get in i've seen them talk about on tiktok right i can't fall in love anymore i can't fall in love with one guy because i'm so addicted to having all these guys attention and you know i used to see that with strippers and strip clubs i didn't but now it's like wholesale it's like everywhere and it's it's really become i think an addiction the attention the validation which you mentioned before the likes you know and i think the kids get sucked into that too where they're like am i am i not accepted and i'm not part of the in crowd you know the kids are always into

uh if i'm not getting the likes i'm if i'm not getting those likes as much as barbara or jerry and you know whatever so uh it's it's a crazy world with these phones it really is well and and that's the that's the place too where parents need to be able to set some guidelines around that. So as part of my five strategies of dedicated listening, one of them is the whole idea of having intentional time. And so if you have one or more children, then you need to have some of that time that you spend just with one at a time. And it doesn't mean going out all day. These don't have to be all-day affairs, but they need to be time because, as you know, even having kids around you

and your friends who have children, they all have different personalities. And even if they live in the same house, they see things and they hear things differently and they just show up differently. And so it's really important to have that time. But having said that, the piece about the dedicated time is that that means that you need to put down your cell phone. You need to close your laptop. You need to shut off the television or the video games or whatever it is and do something outside of that space. So if that means driving in the car, because many people have said to me that that seems to be a really great place for them to have conversation. So put them in the trunk and just start driving?

You might want to start there and then invite them to sit in the back seat or whatever. They are teenagers. I think that's legal. The piece about that is that you're close enough and you're far enough away. So each of you have your personal space or your personal bubble, depending on what people think about that. And that even if your kid puts his or her feet up on the dashboard, you can clean that later. And about looking at you, it's not about that. Like my father used to always say to me, you know, look at me when I'm speaking to you. And I get that, but that's not what this is about. This is about connection. This is about having conversation. This is about being in a different space to be able to listen to what's

going on. Now I get that, you know, oftentimes parents don't know how to start those conversations. And so I might suggest that, and I often do, suggest this, that rather than asking how they are and getting involved with that at the moment, you might consider saying something like, listen, I just listened to this podcast today, or I saw this news article, or I was listening on the radio, or whatever about a current event and about something that's away from them. So they don't feel like they're being interrogated. Yeah, that spotlight where you're like, tell us where you hid the money. It doesn't need to be there first because what they're also doing is reestablishing trust.

Because oftentimes in family dynamics and relationships, there isn't that, right? Because, you know, they've been battered by something like, you know, how come you haven't done this again? And that kind of talk. And so when you get to move all of that aside and really talk about something different. So, you know, if you were the president or the leader of one of these countries that happens to be at war at the moment, what would you do differently or what would you do? Right. And then the space that you have to be in is to allow for that silence. Ah, to listen to.

Yes, because here's the big piece. We're really good at coming up with solutions or answers or stuff right away. And we hate the silence. Silence is okay. It's a great way to build intimacy sometimes. Well, yes. And what you're doing Is you're building intimacy with your kid Yeah So you have to refrain from saying

Oh well I wouldn't say that Or I wouldn't do that But rather say something like Wow I hadn't thought of it from that perspective Tell me more Plus you're helping your kid think about things and yes view the world from a bigger different thing you know i i love these ideas i one of my friends you know i don't i don't know what a lot of my friends do with their kids um but i know one of

my friends they have younger kids that you know they really like their devices and but they make it a point of going out for long walks with the kids you know the so the device has to stay home and they get out in nature and they just walk and you know they get the grumbling and all that sort of stuff eventually the kids get into it and but you know they're teaching their kids that you know there's a world outside of these phones um and i think a lot of parents i don't know i'm not a parent but my assumption is from what i see is that you know people like us in our generations um we grew up you know we had the world and so when phones came along we're like well this is kind of nice yeah it's interesting but

we got this cool world thing going on but yeah yeah this is kind of nice but for these kids they've grown up with this was this thing and we've actually had the one of the other things we've had on the show is we've had um i forget what kind of science but they're brain scientists and the one thing they talk about is um we're not we can't handle this 2d screen we're used to seeing three-dimensional faces and interacting, and our brains are used to getting data. So when I'm looking at someone and talking to them, I'm seeing how their eyes move, their facial structure, their body language, and I'm getting all this data.

And that's real important for my brain to have in engaging my brain, engaging their brain, and just learning this communication style of interacting with human beings, which you have to do in the world. You can't just walk around like this all day long at work. Your boss won't like it, maybe. I don't know, unless you do social media for him or something. But it's really important, and it helps develop our brains as well by seeing 3D visuals of people and everything else.

And this really mucks with us, not to mention the blue light and, you know, the fact that you can't sleep. If, you know, the worst thing I can do is turn on my phone in the morning when I'm not, when, you know, or in the middle of the night when, you know, I'm like, Oh, check it off notifications, you know? And, uh, and then blue light hits you like, Oh, I'm awake now, you know? And, uh, so, you know, it know, it's a lot of this going on. So you've got different techniques that people use.

There was a question I had for you. How to create more formative school connections. Now, is that for the parents to get more involved in school, or is that for the kids? It's more for the parents. And the reason I say that is because oftentimes, you know, parents don't know what to do. And they're hearing the information from their kids, you know, about, you know, I'm being bullied or this is going on or so on. And so the parent comes in red hot and demands that things be done.

And it's not our nature to be against each other. You know, schools are really making or trying to make an effort to be in connection with parents because we're both after the same thing. We both want our children to be successful. And so this is really about getting some skills and strategies to be able to go in to the school mindfully and on? Because, you know, from time to time, there are situations that we don't know anything about in the school. We don't know what's been happening with your child because your child hasn't been sharing it with anybody. Because it happens because they're trying to work it out themselves. And sometimes they feel, and particularly in bully situations, they feel like if they report it to somebody, then it's going to be worse.

And my suggestion to that is, yes, let's report it so that we can help that child who's also the bully. Because we've all heard this phrase about hurt people hurt people. So we need to be able to help that child as well because if there's stuff that's going on in his or her life what they're trying to do is to get that hurt away from them so they'll shoot it on anybody else that's around them yeah so we need to we need to to dive in from both sides to help your child because your child is being bullied and to help that other child as well to say, what can we do to help support this child and maybe perhaps their family if there's a dysfunction or there's stuff going on or the child has lost somebody

and they don't know how to deal with it and they don't know who to speak to and they don't know that they can get some help. There you go. You know, you're so right. Hurt people hurt people, which explains most of my relationships and why I'm single. I'm just kidding. That's probably somebody who's like, yeah, that's true. But I remember one episode that I had that did land us in the principal's office

was we were getting bullied by these twins. And they were, I think, a grade or two over us. And they would, you know, push us into lockers. And they were just really mean and vicious. And I don't know why they took a shine to us. But they did. And it was two twins. And so we finally had an episode where we just had enough of it.

We got at the principal and said, you know, this is something that has to be done here. And we're just kids. We didn't even tell our parents. And, uh, and so the principal got involved and, you know, got the, got these guys pulled together. And he later told us, he, he says they're being beaten up at home by their parents. So they were going by their dad. I think their dad was being, was just physically abusive to them.

And so, yeah, it was just being passed down through the thing. I remember, you know, my mom taught for, I think, 20, 25 years. And I remember she talked about how it went from, it used to be to when parents would come in, they would listen to her. And she was the authority on, you know, what was going on with the kids and the school and stuff like that. And then the model slowly flipped over time where parents really kind of expected parent, uh, teachers to, to like basically raise their kids and be their parents for them. You know, they would show up and, you know, why isn't my

kid passing his test? This is your fault. And it's like, no, your kid isn't studying or doing their homework and they're just mucking about. Cause don't know maybe you're not being a good parent at home and you know it's not our fault but i mean we can't you know and then the participation generation kicked in and you know all that stuff and it's just freaking really hard to be a teacher and uh i imagine a principal in schools well it's even more challenging now because of the diversity in a classroom. And by the diversity, I mean, you know, special needs, different kinds of cultures, language challenges, you know, kids who are having a challenge just even being in that grade. And then, you know, then you have the other end of the spectrum where kids are doing really well, but they're not, they're not being paid attention to either. And the expectation is just to give them more stuff because they're smarter, so they can do more things. And that's,

that's not where it is. And then, you know, the teachers have way more responsibility now in terms of, you know, filling in forms and, and, you know and doing everything with less services. And that's really part of the challenge in each, whether you're in a province because I come from Canada or whether the United States because I do some work there, things are getting to be so heavy for teachers. And so they are burning out too, because they are the giving kinds. The majority of folks that are in any profession are really the giving kind, right? And so they want the best for the children, and they're going to coach them, and they're going to,

you know, go off to their team events or dance or drama or whatever the activity is. And they're giving and giving all the time. And yet that's oftentimes the response they get is, you know, what have you done for me and my kid lately? And there needs to be a balance there because that's part of a parent responsibility too, is to be able to say, how can I help my kid at home with what they're doing or not doing? And not in an aggressive kind of way, because that doesn't work either. And that's why I talk about courageous conversations, because we need to change that. We need to disrupt the old behavior and the old attitude and come in with it differently.

But that doesn't mean, because this is often where sometimes people get a little confused. Oh, well, then it's wishy-washy and I let them do everything. No, because part of what I hear quite frequently, and it's frightening for me when I hear this so often, is, oh, well, my kid is my best friend. It's like, are you kidding me? Like there needs to be, let them be your friend when they're 30, where you can sit and have a drink with them, have dinner,

reminisce about your life and have a good time and enjoy each other. But right now they need those guidelines. They need that safety net so that they know that there's safety for them. So that if they've had a terrible kind of day or week or month or year, they know that their home is a safe place. But that's not happening quite as frequently because we often get kids who feel that their school is safer than going home. And the scary part is here in America, it's not because uh you know with the school shootings that's another thing these kids are dealing with that that i never had to deal with i the worst horror i had

was you know hiding under the desk from the nuclear bombs from russia yeah that was that was it there was nobody coming into school or school lockdown practices and you know here in america we've got you know we have some real problems And I can't imagine going to school every day worrying about, like, what I'm worried about in school is nothing compared to what these kids are worried about. But I like how you've reengaged the way to have conversation with them. And based on your experience of 35 years of being a principal, and I imagine having to talk and, and, you know, figure out what's going on with them and try and help them has really given you a lot of great data that you put into this book and into the coaching you do as well. Tell us a little about the coaching and what opportunities people can have to reach out to you, schedule a call with you. Looks like you've got

some events on your website as well. So I currently have a 12 week program that I do that's called, well, I renamed it, I called it 90 Days to Connection, but really it's about bridging the gap. And that's, you know, that's one element. I have the opportunity as well to do a VIP so that if a family is really wanting to accelerate that help because they've been trying to do it by themselves for so long and they want an opportunity to be able to spend two or three days together and really focusing on what goes on. And that includes the children as well so that they get a chance to be engaged with these conversations to understand each other's perspective, then I do that as well.

And I also do individual coaching if people feel that that's something that they would prefer because sometimes people just don't feel comfortable in group settings because my 12-week program is designed as a group, and then it moves into a year if people are interested in in continuing along with that and would you say the best advice is don't wait till things really get ugly try and be preventive take preventive support to this you know you know when you you reach a point I remember I got with my parents where I didn't want to talk to them and all I had to do with them

and, you know, was a rebellious teenager although I really wasn't that rebellious compared to what goes on nowadays. I was actually pretty tame looking back. But, you know, they were ultra-religious so they didn't really appreciate me listening to

ACDC and Van Halen and, you know, all that. And, you know, the, the goat sacrificing and stuff that I was doing in my room, uh, with the satanic, uh, whatever. But, uh, you know, I, we had, we had a tough time with us as teens. Um, we did. And, you know, I just reached a point that it was just broken. There's just no repairing it. So I think that's a great PSA message to people. Get help, seek help, and reach out before it gets to be too late. You know, your kid's dressing as an emo and I don't know, whatever.

I probably shouldn't shame that. There's probably some, I don't know. Is there anything good that comes out of emos? It was of a time, right? And it's, yeah. Don't let your kid listen to to cure. Come on, man. I'm telling you, although I wrote this book focused on teens because I love them so much and I spend the majority of time with them. These conversations can start when kids are five and we can be still having conversations like this when we're 55.

Because the book I'm writing now is called Courageous Conversations in the Workplace. Because we know these similar kinds of things occur in workplaces and people also don't feel like they have anybody to speak to or that their voice is valued or that they have any meaning or purpose in their workplace. And then what happens with that is they take it home. Ah. Yeah, I think we need this because we've been trying to figure out how to tell Bob to quit cooking fish in the microwave every day. So especially on Tuna Fish Sunday, Saturday, I don't know, I'm just making shit up. So there you go. But this is really great and insightful.

I'm glad you provide this thing. Maybe I should just get a car, some cards for you so I can pass. I'd be delighted to do that. In fact, the card that I do have that I give to people gives them the five strategies of dedicated. Really?

There you go. There you go. An extra large business card, but it works for me. There you go. Is one military school. One of them? No, it's not.

No. No, I think that was one of your strategies. Well, you know, it was, but I just opted for that. I went out for milk one day and never came back. So I'm going to read your book, and then once I find whatever address they're living at now,

I might come back with the milk. I don't know how that works. Thank you very much for coming on the show. We really appreciate it. It's been a lot of fun, Elizabeth. And I'm glad I'm not in further any trouble or any punishment. Is there any punishment that needs to be bestowed on me from the principal's office?

No, I don't think so. I think we've had a good conversation about it. I think you have mended your ways, and you're off to at least making an effort to do good things. I'm making an effort. Thank you very much, Elizabeth. Your.com one more time as we go out. Courageousnetwork.com.

There you go. Thanks so much for tuning in. Order up the book wherever fine books are sold. You can get it on Amazon and all those great places. Courageous Conversation by Elizabeth Bennett. Available November 22, 2022. books are sold you can get on amazon and all those great places courageous conversation by elizabeth bennett available november 22 2022 and i love the concept of the new book because please come back for that because uh you know i need to have better figure out how to have better comment you know there was a there was almost a fight that broke out in the senate today between a senator and

someone doing a witness i'm not seeing that video yet but maybe and then there was a i think a kidney elbow kidney thing from uh speak the old speaker of the house uh mccarthy and somebody else so maybe after you do the book on business and how to you know not get into fights there you can do one for congress or something i don't know well i'd certainly like to do that because the piece that no seriously because our our youth are seeing that yeah they're seeing the dysfunction in leadership and we need to be able to change that yeah i mean i i think there's been fights in the senate and the congress before but like the 1800s or something like to see someone was just doing some redneck sort of trailer park in the senate and like they're like oh we'll fight you right here and got up and and i guess bernie sanders had to jump in you know what bernie sanders suddenly you're trying to you know i don't know do you fight so yeah we need to just all be better

to each other and you're right apparently kids don't need this as a thing. So there you go, folks. Go to goodreads.com, Fortress Chris Voss, LinkedIn.com, Fortress Chris Voss. See the big 130,000 group on LinkedIn, the LinkedIn newsletter, Chris Voss, Facebook.com, and Chris Voss 1 on the tickety-tocky. Thanks for tuning in, everyone.

Be good to each other. Stay safe. And we'll see you guys next time.