The Chris Voss Show - The Chris Voss Show Podcast – Daniel Tolson of The Tolson Institute

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

Daniel Tolson of The Tolson Institute Danieltolson.com

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Today, we have an amazing gentleman on the show. Daniel Tolson is on the show with us. He has served as a consultant to more than 15,000 companies and individuals throughout Australia, New Zealand, Taiwan, Malaysia, Singapore, United Arab Emirates, Italy, Great Britain, Ireland, and both North and South America. Imagine the stamps in his passport. He's a business influencer. He impacts millions of people a year. He's studied research and written and spoken for 20 years on the topics of time management, goal setting, strategic planning, sales IQ, business model innovation, and emotional intelligence. And he's here on the show with us today. Welcome to the show, Daniel. How are you? I am fantastic. Thank you for having me here.

What a beautiful introduction. There you go. You guys, your PR agent wrote it for me. She's a good girl. My deliveries. I'll take that. So you're coming to us with an Australian accent from Taiwan, as we talked about in the pre-show.

So this is, you are a multinational, is that the right word? Person. Yeah, I think it's the international man of mystery, like the old Austin Powers, Daniel Danger Tolson. Let's find out who you are and what you do. Give us your.com so people can find you on the interweb, please. Come and check me out at DanielTolson.com, D-A-N-I-E-L, Tolson.com. That's the best place to find me on the internet. There you go. So why did you hate Australia

and leave it? No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Was it the Vegemite? The Vegemite? Was that what made you leave? The Vegemite, the thicker the better, but it's the bloody blowflies. The flies, you talk, and when you're in Aussie, you've got to hold your top lip over your teeth so you can't let the blowflies in your mouth, and then

they get up your nose. You've got to leave at some stage. Come to an island where there's no flies. I have a lot of friends in Australia, and they sent me Vegemite one time. And I did a whole YouTube video on it. And nice, the Vegemite. But I love my Australian friends. So let's talk about you and what you do and how you do it. Well, I got a phone call at 4 a.m. in the morning.

I was living in Dubai, and I was part of Emirates Airline and I do peer support. So when there was an accident on the aircraft, I'd get called out. And I got a call one morning, 4 a.m., and they said, Daniel, it's the duty controller. This is not a peer support call. So whenever you hear the word not,

you still hear peer support call. And I thought, okay, what is it? They said, there's been an accident. It's your fiance. And I was like, oh, that's not what I want to hear so I quickly rushed down to the hospital and there's my fiancee in the stretcher in a cast from her ankle to her hip and she's had an accident on the aircraft and so for the following two and a half years she's in and out of surgeries being flown around the world just to heal and through through that time, everything that I'd been learning as a coach, I started to apply in my own life. And I started to notice that through what I'd been able to help my wife with, so many other people needed to get this peace of mind,

especially when they go through these traumas. And so eventually she lost her job. She'd come close to miscarriaging three times. And I was really concerned, if I am still working, am I going to see the birth of my daughter? Probably not. So I resigned from my job, co-leading a team of 17,000 people and went in the deep end of business, head first. And so did you start your own company at that time? I'd called myself a wantrepreneur. I had left my job and I really had this fear of losing my stability. So although I had made the decision to leave, my head and my heart were still in the Middle East. So for the first six months of

building my business, it didn't go to where I wanted it to go. And I remember saying to my wife, I can't breathe. I'm feeling sick. She said, let's take you to the hospital. So I went to the hospital, chest x-rays, blood tests. And they said, Mr. Tolson, there's nothing wrong with you. It's all in your mind. So they said, you need to go and see the psychologist so i went and saw the psychologist and they said you're depressed so although my wife had been through this trauma i'd been through it as well and i hadn't dealt with it so my first six months in business i really just wasted my time and so that was my awakening i've really got to sort myself out to make this business work yeah it's hard to tell other people how to be successful if you're not. I suffered depression through my companies and my

business, and I probably medicated most of it the wrong way with vodka, which is not the way to solve depression, people. Just take that PSA. It gave me something to do between 30 and 50. Then where did you go from there? Things just went downhill and they really went downhill really fast. So I was grieving the loss of my career and I was angry and I was really angry at my wife because she had an accident and then I had resigned from my job. So by the end of the year, I'd run out of money. I spent all of my savings and I said to my wife, we've got to leave Taiwan and we've got to go to Australia.

She said, why? And I said, because at least in Australia, I can get social security. And if I can get some money from the government, then I think I might have a good chance at really giving my business a fair crack. So we went back to Australia. We've got a 10-month-old baby and we're on social security. And this is just the first couple of years of marriage. But I made that commitment that I would succeed.

And in my first 100 days in Australia, my business really exploded. So once I got back to Australia, people understood the concept. And back then, 2013, 2014, people really didn't trust the internet. People didn't really want to work online with my type of work. But face to face, the business just exploded until it collapsed after six months again and then we do some challenges yeah i started to sell everything i started to sell my tv my furniture my surfboards my wetsuits my computers and i said look we've got to get back to taiwan we won't survive the holiday season in Australia. So we got enough money.

We went back to Taiwan. I took a job teaching English. I was moonlighting. And then we lived with our grandparents. But it gave me another shot at building the business. I just didn't want to give up, but I had to find another way to achieve success. And then what happened? Then I taught English for a while.

And then I started to do webinars. And I built this little studio. And it was a Coca-Cola box. And I put soundproofing inside it. And I put my microphone in there. And I started to do webinars and I built this little studio and it was a coca-cola box and I put soundproofing inside it and I put my microphone in there and I started to live stream and nobody would turn up to my webinars but I started it's like my office and I started to do these webinars nobody came up but I started to record the content and put it into ebooks and somebody got my ebook and they went this is this is incredible. Can I buy it from you? I said, no, why don't you just hire me? And so the person hired me and spent about $100,000 with me on this book that I recorded off a webinar. And so I thought to myself, I'm just going to keep creating content and keep putting it out there. And all of a sudden I started to get the traction.

I started to get recognized. I started to grow. And then I started to build a business in the United Kingdom. So I started flying from Taiwan to Sydney to the UK. And that's when I got my growth, 2015, 2016, after years of failure. That is awesome, man. Isn't it weird how just suddenly you want the lights click on? I call it the lights click on concept where you're pressing all the buttons, you're trying to make everything work. And then suddenly just you hit something or a combination or putting yourself in the right moment for the opportunity to hit that you've worked hard for, and then, bing, the lights go on. You're like, I don't know why I pressed, but something worked.

It's fascinating. I remember my boy, he was born in 2017, and in that first year, those kids got no motor skills, and they're like zombies, and they just slap everything. That was what it was like in business. If I can just hit that, and hopefully I get a response. That's only after the vodka. Yeah, but the judge says I can't do it anymore, so I have to stop assaulting people. I'm sorry.

Go ahead. Yeah, it's an interesting time where you've got to try so many things. So I really knew my numbers back then. I knew that most of the businesses wouldn't succeed past two years. So my first goal was don't fail. It wasn't like, hey, make a million bucks, just don't fail. And I got past two years and I thought, okay, now I'm good. In the following two years,

this is when you start to make a little bit of money. So I knew that in the next, from the third to the fourth year, if I made enough money and I could keep the doors open, then I could probably see it through to the fifth and sixth year. I also knew most businesses don't make a profit till the seventh year. So I knew if I could just hold on to the seventh year, most of my competitors would have fallen off. And so it was just like, I just got to hold on long enough.

I used to have fingernails. They've disappeared. They've gone. But I held on long enough till I got to a stage where people just couldn't compete with me anymore. Because of my knowledge, because of my resiliency, I wouldn't give up. And I'd learned so much about failure that I had so many stories to tell. And I started to connect with people. So it was my best schooling. All the failure was the best schooling. And I can profit from that pain today. I've done that as well throughout my life life between business I've started and everything else.

In fact, what was funny was this last October, I turned it into a book and like all the stories of the people who tried to sabotage me, screw me, kill me, knock me off. I'm like all the stories that I was like, man, that person did that to me. They made great stories in the book

and so now I have them to tell and where I'm like, wow, I should probably mail them all a copy of the book and be like, thanks. Thanks. Thanks for trying to stab me in the back. I got a book out of it. But no, this is really important because a lot of people, they see successful people and they just go, oh, he just woke up one day, had breakfast and boom, there he was. They don't understand that part of that failure, part of that testing, part of that trial and error is a part of doing business. I had a lot of small little failures when I started my business. I've had failures after when we had an empire of different companies. We try some, we were like, yeah, let's go into computers. That's

a bad idea. So you're evidently, according to your PR that was sent to me, you're considered one of the world's number one business coaches specializing in emotional intelligence. What is emotional intelligence? We should probably leave that floor, foundation. And then why is that important and what really helps you become number one in that? I grew up in a very interesting business. My mom was in porn. My dad was in porn.

And we had a porn-breaking business. My mum was in porn. My dad was in porn. And we owned a porn-broking business. And in the porn-broking business, yeah, we were porn stars. I mean, you say it like it's a bad thing. I like the shock value of it. People go, porn? Oh my gosh, your mother? Oh. And we had to be street smart. My parents were not educated formally. So my mum was a hairdresser and my father was a farmer. And then we got into the pawnbroking business. But you had to be strict.

And what I noticed at that age was you had to really be able to read the emotional makeup of other people. And we would meet fascinating people would come in and they'd say, I can't afford fuel today. Can I get a loan on my $25,000 Rolex? And so you're trying to process this. Okay, you got a $25,000 Rolex. And so you're trying to process this. Okay, you've got a $25,000 Rolex. You can't afford fuel today. And they say, look, if I just hock my watch and get $50 for fuel, I'm going to go land a million-dollar deal.

And so a part of you says, yeah, bullshit. But the other part says, hey, everything stacks up. The way the person speaks, the way they present themselves, this watch is obviously not stolen. So there's no risk for me. If you don't come back i keep your rolex so they'd go out they'd make a million dollar deal they'd come back and they'll spend five thousand dollars in the shop and so you go wow and so we saw these different

people coming in and we saw people who were generational social security families so people who just didn't have a hope to start with, but they started to turn their life around. I've got clients who used to borrow money in the pawnbroking business who are now my consulting clients because they've built themselves multiple six-figure businesses. So at that stage, we had to be street smart. And emotional intelligence is, firstly, it's understanding who you are and why you think and feel the way that you do. Everybody tried to talk my parents out of being pawnbrokers. They said, oh, that's the scum of the earth. You're going to deal with the scum of the earth.

That's a disgusting career. But my mum and dad knew who they were. They were confident within themselves and they said, we're going to turn this into a seven-figure business. And they went and did it. The second part of emotional intelligence is self-regulation. All of us have to face four big fears. The fear of being taken advantage of.

If you can't solve that, you can't succeed in business. You can't hire people. You can't delegate work. A gentleman said to me today, he said, when he had a fear of being taken advantage of, he wouldn't ask for help because he thought if I asked for help, people are going to take advantage of me. So you've got to regulate these emotions. And then thirdly, it's motivation.

Awesome sauce. We've got somebody chiming in, being consistent and persistent, and some wonderful comments on the show. Sensational. Both came to win conference. Super inspirational. Thanks, Jenny. Jenny's a superstar.

She received an award from the King of Malaysia when she was a nurse. Yeah, she's a superstar. Wow. A real superstar. I haven't gotten an award from the King of Malaysia when she was a nurse. Yeah, she's a superstar. Wow. A real superstar. I haven't gotten an award from anybody. I still keep calling the Queen Elizabeth to see if she'll like me as a sir, and she said something about how she doesn't like my Facebook posts, so whatever.

But she's reading them evidently, so I don't know what any of that means. So emotional intelligence, I don't think a lot of people think a lot about this and understand the importance is, in fact, I think a lot of people are emotionally dumb. If you don't have emotional intelligence, I don't think a lot of people think a lot about this and understand the importance is, in fact, I think a lot of people are emotionally dumb. If you don't have emotional intelligence, are you just, I don't know, dumb? Some people call it emotionally disabled. Disabled. I think that's what I'm going to start saying on Facebook.

That's going to be my comment reply to some people's posts. You are emotionally disabled. How does one determine where their emotional intelligence level is at? Like, how do I know where I'm at? Is there an IQ level for this? How do I determine if I've got the circle squared properly? And then how do I determine if I need more? Well, the interesting thing today, we can actually measure emotional intelligence.

So just like you can test IQ, you can test your EQ. And my clients complete what's called an emotional quotient, and it measures their emotional intelligence in the five key areas. First of all, secondly, self-regulation. Thirdly, motivation. Fourthly, which is social awareness, which is the ability to read the emotional makeup of other people. And then fifthly, social regulation, your ability to communicate.

And then with this technology, we've had more than 35 million people complete these scientific reports over the past 30 years. It then measures your level of emotional intelligence against other people in your community. And so then you can gauge where your strengths are and where your weaknesses are. And the fascinating thing, Chris, is a high emotional intelligence is not always better. Sometimes a low emotional intelligence serves you better.

And I'll give you an example. I was working with a company there in America, and they had a turnaround expert. The turnaround expert could come in to a business that they'd purchased, and could fire the whole workforce and he wouldn't lose sleep about it because in the area of empathy, his score was low. So he didn't really care about the emotions of other people. And that served him well because he would have to fire people and let people go. But he wouldn't lose sleep about it. Whereas somebody who's got a high empathy, it can be so high that they become an empath and they go, oh my gosh, I can't do this. This person's going to get upset. Their family's going to be interrupted and they can't deliver on their job because the emotional intelligence is too high. Yeah, it started out that way. I may have started that way in business.

I think the first time I fired somebody, I actually cried. And then after a while, I just got to a point where I'm like, you didn't deserve it, so get the hell out. But self-reflection, empathy, is that a big part of it then? Huge part. So self-awareness is having self-empathy. It's understanding your strengths and weaknesses. When I grew up, I was diagnosed with learning disabilities at age 11, and I was put into remedial therapy for five years. So throughout my life, I just wanted to be somebody else. I just wanted to be like the others. I just wanted to fit in. But as I learned about emotional intelligence, I started to realize I don't want to be like anybody else. I want to be me, but I've still got to answer the question, who am I? And so then I

went on the path and you can start to learn about how you face problems and challenges how you influence people and contacts and once you figure out who you are and how you're unique you can then leverage those strengths and then we play to our strengths that's really important and so people how do people do that do they sit down and self-reflect or if they can self-reflect and try to figure it out you got to get the baseline it's like when you're losing weight people say i want to lose weight how much i don't know how much do i don't know the first thing is you got to jump on the scales and one hard thing for a lot of people who have low emotional intelligence is they can't self-reflect so what tends to happen is when they complete an emotional intelligence quotient for the first time, all of their scores are totally unrealistic.

How well do you know yourself? 100%. How well do you deal with people? 200%. And so they come in and they go, oh, my gosh, I'm a rock star. But then their life results don't measure up. So I was working with a company in Australia. We measured the emotional intelligence of one of the leaders,

and his score came in at about 95. Now, at 95, you should 95 now at 95 you should be a billionaire and you should be a celebrity and i said to him i said down by the river there yeah i said to him i said does this make sense to you he says no that doesn't make sense to me that doesn't sound like me i'd say to the boss does this sound like him no way this guy is emotionally disabled he's almost emotionally illiterate he's like a computer. He's cold. And so he went through the report and went, that's definitely not me. So we taught him how to self-reflect. 90 days later, he came in and his score was 76. We went back through the reports and he said, Daniel, this is awesome. This is who I am.

And then the company said to me, what the hell have you done to our team? He was like 95, 90 days of training. He's now 76. And I said, forget about the score because he over-evaluated himself at the start, but now it's accurate. And then he became one of the top leaders in the company because he had an accurate self-assessment. Yeah. My problem isn't about self-reflecting. It's trying to figure out which one of my multiple personalities are the ones I should self-reflect on. There's the one that says kill all the time, which the judge says I can't listen to anymore. But no, let me ask you this, because this is interesting.

Women process emotion, and I think they're better at it than men are because we're a little more in our rational minds. I think we're both in different hemispheres of the brain. Are women better at this self-awareness and emotional intelligence than men? Just naturally because I think their brain sizes for emotional processing is 30% larger than a man's. Wow. I don't know.

For processing the brains, you're right. The emotions are processed in the right brain, and then the left brain is your logical and analytical brain. For me and my clients, I live in a bit of a bubble, Chris, where people who come to me are already more emotionally aware, whether they're aware that they've got fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs. So when they come to me, I get about 70% women coming to work with me and about 30% men. And my men aren't those dog-type guys. They're more of that Sigma-type guy who is emotionally aware already and says, hey, what's blocking me isn't my product it's not my service I'm my own worst enemy so for me I tend to

see about 70% women and about 30% men and it varies because of life experience we have two bits of technology we can measure emotional intelligence today through your voice frequencies so we can get our clients to speak into a mobile phone for 90 seconds, and then we can measure their emotional intelligence through the brainwave frequencies. And what happens with life experience, if you have a traumatic event, you tend to take that event, you tend to repress it, and you put it over there where you put all the other stuff you don't want to deal with. And that can impact somebody's level of emotional intelligence. So all of our traumas have their roots in the first five to seven years of our life.

So depending on how many traumas a person has, it will really impact different areas. It will impact those five different areas of emotional intelligence. Wow. I didn't know that. I learned something new. I know that traumas are a big thing that affect their- What happens is, let's say we get 100 points of energy to use. Every time we repress an old memory with unresolved emotions, it takes a lot of energy for the body to repress the emotion and hold it down.

What the body naturally wants to do is bring it up to the surface for rationalization. But people say, I don't want to think about that anymore. I don't want to go there again. Let's just repress it. A lady i was working with not long ago we measured her emotional intelligence we had a look at her emotional life journey now your emotions and the emotional experiences actually get imprinted into the amygdala which is a part of the brain and it gets imprinted onto your deep subconscious level and so when you measure this we can see these irrational emotions still being active when we measure the brainwave frequencies. And one client, I said, hey, let's go back. We've

got to figure out what was happening to you at age five. She couldn't recall anything that was happening at age five. And then all of a sudden through self-reflection, she realized that she had been abused. But still 35 years later, she's still repressing that memory. And because she couldn't understand herself, she found it very hard to understand others. So what she saw was, hey, my business is not successful, but what was invisible is that she's repressing these traumas. And again, doesn't want to be taken advantage. This is really amazing. I've known a lot of stuff, but I didn't really connect to the dots and you're connecting a lot of dots for me i've been actually reading recently i think i'm almost done with it the laws of human nature by i believe robert green and he was talking in the book about

the shadow selves and trauma and how just like you said the trauma of childhood can be can make it come out all sorts of different ways that you. And over the course of my business, and one of the things I've always tried to resolve is people that have those shadow selves, where they work for me, that you hire them, everything seems great, and then all of a sudden, one day their head turns around, and they're spitting out green pea soup,

just like, what was that moon movie? Jesus Christ. And I've had that. I've had that happen in my relationships and stuff. And I've sometimes missed the warning signs and stuff. But this is really interesting because, yeah, you're identifying that same sort of thing where the traumas really have to play that out. So to achieve good emotional intelligence, do you need to go back and clean up some of that trauma mess then? You've got to understand your past. So one of the clients I've

worked with recently, when we used the artificial intelligence to measure his emotional intelligence, his core emotion is romance. And I said to him, I said, hey, this is really interesting. Your core emotion is romance. Let's just understand your past. So we went back through and the technology I have, it measures your emotional intensity from the time of birth up to your current age and when we went back and we had a look at these emotions his mother left his father so he had no father his mother went in and out of relationships with men but he fell in love with the men he saw all these father figures but all these men met the mother then left him he went and love with the men. He saw all these father figures, but all these men met the mother, then left him.

He went and lived with his grandparents. He loved his grandfather, cared for him, but then his grandfather passed away. And so he was always looking for love. And then once he got into his teenage years, he was just in and out of relationships. He was like a serial dater, in and out, always looking for love. And so for his whole life, he's's searching for love and he's preoccupied with that and he can't succeed in other areas until he finds it but then he falls in love but then somebody's not loving him and then he's worried they're gonna leave me so then he sabotages his

relationship which impacts his career and then he looks at that he goes dan he goes you figured me out he goes i've been trying to solve this for years. He goes, you've done it in an hour. And then what he did was he then could learn to regulate the emotion. Because let's say we get a positive emotion. Let's say I get excited and I'm trading stocks and shares. All of a sudden, I get excited. Money in, money in. But then I haven't followed my strategy and I blow it. So we're going to be mindful of the emotional intensity and we're going to be aware of our own biases.

Yeah, it's really interesting. We all do that. And it's funny because we're trying to avoid the situation and resolve the trauma and resolve that missing part of us from our childhood. But by trying to resolve it, we end up overcompensating or overreacting and then driving people away, which reinforces our whole problem. And we're just stuck in this infinite loop. I remember one time I had a girlfriend, she would wake up like every night for the first few months that she moved in and have these dreams that I was cheating on her. And she'd had a whole history of people that had cheated on her in her past. And which is really weird because she had good parents.

I don't know what happened there. But eventually the accusations of me cheating all the time, and it wasn't just that. It started moving to other things too. But eventually you just got so tired of being accused of cheating. You're like, I should go cheat because I'm already guilty. To fulfill your own prophecy. Yeah. For me, I just left and said, no, you're going to move out.

And we're done here, honey. And there's a lot of other things that came out. But I think a lot of it was that core thing. And I don't know. I do know from what we're talking about here. It's interesting because she sabotaged the whole thing. I have another friend who is the gal he married. I'm not picking on women here, by the way, guys.

Men and women, we both do this. But a good example that was just real extreme was this gal had been married five times. My friend was to the fifth. And in every relationship, he couldn't look at a woman. He couldn't just glance. If she caught his eyes, it was hell to pay. And she literally drove every husband that she was with to leave her because of the accusation of cheating. And it's all because we're trying to resolve that child thing. So I don't know, maybe I need to, anytime I go dating, do people with business, they need to go through your emotional intelligence class because I'm learning a lot about this lately. It's phenomenal. Another thing that, another layer, which people aren't aware of is that our

fears, our doubts, our limiting beliefs can be passed down through the generation. So we've heard it in the Bible. They say the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. We've heard it say the sins of the father become the sins of the son. And so with science, what they've been showing us today, that fears can be passed down through the bloodline. So you may have this irrational fear, yet you've had the perfect childhood. You've had the perfect life. It could have been passed down from your mother. It could have been passed down from your grandmother. It could have been passed down

through the great-grandfather, and now it gets reactivated and triggered in your lifetime. Wow. So when I do my work, we do a lot of regression. And I met a guy in the UK, and he said to me, he said, Daniel, he said, I want to come to your course. And I said, come. He said, well, I've got no money. I said, find a way to get here. So he sold his car. He walked in, and he said, well, I'm an atheist.

And I said, well, congratulations, I'm Daniel. And he said, well, do you know what an atheist is? I said, not really, but I'm sure you're going to tell me. He said, well, I don't believe in God. I don't believe in any of this past life stuff. And I said, well, it looks like your life's not where you want it to be. Could you have an open mind for the next three days? And he laughed and he said, yeah, absolutely.

So we started to do a regression therapy. And he says, you wouldn't believe this. And I said, I think I'm going to. He goes, I'm recalling this memory from 2,000 years ago. Now, this guy's name's Paul. And in his mind, when he's doing the regression, he was alive 2,000 years ago. And he goes, you wouldn't believe it. I'm alive.

I'm one of the followers of Jesus. And they've asked me, do I know Jesus? And I denied him. And he just started to cry. I've got it all on video. And he's starting to cry. And I said, what's the emotion? He said, guilt.

So he felt he had been carrying this guilt through past lives. And as he went through other past lives, he saw all of these other experiences where this same problem kept coming back lifetime after lifetime. Now, I'm not here to say that past lives exist. I can't prove it. But if we believe it at a subconscious level, then it's true for us. And the unconscious mind is symbolic, so it doesn't necessarily mean it happened,

but the language of the unconscious mind says, hey, if you get that you've done this for the past 2,000 years, you can solve the problem today. Yeah, it's interesting about that. I don't know about that either. I know I hang out with Jesus, but he does my lawn. Anyway, but the one thing I've been learning more and more is that even when the mind imagines stuff or envisions stuff, probably is a better word, like with TV or any other sort of medium that we consume, when we experience it, the mind doesn't know that it's not real.

Like when you do, I forget what it's called, when you do forecasting vision, like Olympians will play through the mental rehearsal in their mind. A lot of these things your mind doesn't know. Sometimes they're real and you can fool it. And because of that, it's almost practice and put you in a state where when you do finally do it, you're not like new to it. You're like, okay, this is, we know what to do. And it kicks into gear. Can I give you the perfect example? Sure. Perfect example. A guy called me and he said, Daniel, I've got anxiety. I said, about what? And he said, I've got anxiety about

cheating on my girlfriend. And I said, to me, it sounds like you want to. And he said, Daniel, I've got anxiety. I said, about what? And he said, I've got anxiety about cheating on my girlfriend. And I said, to me, it sounds like you want to. And he goes, no, I don't want to. And I said, so what's happening? He said, look, he said, my girlfriend's fallen pregnant. And she said to me, don't pity me. You can leave me. You don't have to stay with me just because I'm pregnant.

I'm going to keep the baby even if you don't want to be with me. Now, he knew the relationship was over, but he couldn't deal with it. Now, he was also a yoga instructor, and so he'd have these beautiful women come into his studio, and he was so tempted to hit on them. But so he didn't hit on them, he was jerking off seven to nine times a day in the yoga studio. How old was this guy again?

Yeah, old enough to be in trouble. Well, he's somewhere in his 20s, clearly. Yeah. And he's going for it. And I said, what's that about? He said, if I don't have that sexual drive, I won't shoot on her. Now, when we got to the base of it, he wasn't feeling anxiety. He was feeling guilt.

And there's five types of guilt. When you think and fantasize about breaking your own moral code, it will make you feel guilty because it's exactly what you said. Your mind doesn't know the difference between something that's happened and something that you actively imagine. And the final part, emotionalize it. Yeah, because that emotion is part of the visualization that you should do, right? That's why the mental rehearsal is so important. A lot of people just visualize, but they don't emotionalize it, so it has no power.

So when you look at these Olympic athletes, and I was an Australian champion athlete, and I used to do the same process, you've got to visualize it, but then you've got to feel the success. You've got to feel yourself getting up on the podium, getting the gold medal, and that's what brings it to life, and then it activates your entire nervous system. Ah, that's amazing.

So now, was the baby his, or was it not his? It was his, but he couldn't come to terms with that she was going to leave him. Did that have anything to do with his childhood either? I never got there with him, but it could trigger off a fear of abandonment. And remember, the root cause of all of our emotions are in that first zero to seven years. I could give you a beautiful story that highlights it. Please do. In regression, a client says to me, she goes,

Daniel, I can remember the time of conception. And I said, what's happening? She said, my father's asking my mum for sex and he's pressuring my mum for sex. And my mum's saying, I'm fertile. If we have sex, I'll fall pregnant. We've got got a child already we can't afford to have another one and she recalls that conversation at the time of conception three months later she recalls another one not three months later but in the same regression three months after the mother comes home says the father

i'm pregnant she says the first thing my father replied was, get rid of it. That's not something you want to remember, man. Yeah. So all of her life, what did she struggle with? She struggled with rejection and abandonment. And it was the thing that she had just to keep learning to solve over and over again. Now, this is in a regression. This is at a live event.

We've got this recorded. And then I said, look, go home and ask your mother. Now, interesting thing, I've known this woman for 30 years. I know her family, but we don't know the inner workings of the family. She went home. She asked her mum. She said, mum, I need you to be really honest with me. I had a regression at this event.

This is the first memory of conception. Her mother validated the conversation. Wow. She said to her mum mom this is what happened at three months the mother just broke down emotionally started crying she said who told you that she said i remembered it now her father's dead but the mother recalled everything and so later on in life her father uh was diagnosed with cancer and inside of her she's true still trying to prove love and she said to herself nobody should have to die alone and within about six months she had been diagnosed with cancer herself and she said

to me she said daniel at a subconscious level i'm still trying to prove to my father that i'm worthy of his love that's insane that's crazy but that's how the that's how the human brain works i remember neil pierre the drummer for rush his his only daughter, they only had one child. His daughter was going off to college and she rolled through the midsection of a freeway and was crushed and passed away. And the mother was so heartbroken. There was no other children. That was the one child. And so distraught that she literally within six months got cancer and died.

Just like that, she basically just almost willed herself, it seemed to be, to die. And you hear that a lot, too, a lot of old couples that have been around forever. One person dies, the other person dies. It's almost like they will themselves. The mind is a powerful thing, which is really interesting when you think about it destroying its own self. But I guess in the world of the mind, you can do whatever you want. Well, we say the mind is a very poor master, but it's a very good servant. So whatever you tell yourself on repetition, it will create for you.

There's stories of people getting locked in refrigerated train carts. They're not even turned on, and they talk themselves into death. In some of the cultures in Australia, we have the Aboriginal medicine man. And if the medicine man appears in front of you, in about 24 hours, you're going to be dead because you believe that if you see this medicine man, you're dead. The same happens up in Papua New Guinea. If somebody points the bone at you, you're going to die. And these people, their body starts to shut down.

Wow. Fascinating. The inner workings of the mind, we're just scratching the surface. We don't really know how it works. We've got the basics of it, but essentially, if you can picture it in your mind internally, you can then create it externally. And so a lot of people, they have these big dreams like Walt Disney.

He saw it in his mind before it was a reality and it had to come true in here. But he used his mind for success where other people use it for failure. So a lot of people sit around and say, are they going to reject me? They're not going to accept my offer. Who's going to work with me? And then they go out and it just becomes their reality. And like your ex-girlfriend, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy yeah yeah it was like at the end it was like all my boyfriends have cheated on me i found out i should have found this out earlier on because i didn't

realize what was going on at the time or maybe i just didn't care but no then i was like wait what all your boyfriends you know no you're doing the self-fulfilling prophecy thing on me man like you're that's just gonna keep being your. You may give me an interesting epiphany too, about visualizing stuff. I never really thought about how connecting the motion, maybe just automatically kicked in. Cause you're like, Hey, I want to be up on the thing. I don't want to make a lot of money or have this success or drive this nice car. But I don't think I really thought about putting the motion into it. Maybe that happened just as a byproduct by accident. But I can see now that it's much better to inject that in.

So you have the visualization. And when we talk about visualization, people just think it's just a picture. But you can do six things inside of your mind. You can create pictures. So what you have to do is when you create your internalization pictures, you've got to see yourself in the picture. That's the key. If you're not seeing yourself in the picture succeeding, then your mind doesn't know that this is for you. Secondly, we can create sounds.

So if you want to create a really good visualization, you've got to bring in the auditory component. So let's say you want to win a championship. You can hear everybody clapping for you. Woo! And then that starts to change the emotion. You've also got feelings, and you've got to bring that feeling into the visualization. There's smells, tastes, and even self-talk.

And when you do those six things, that creation process takes place really fast. The second part is you've got the emotional state. So you've got to bring in the emotion. And the emotion is like the accelerator pedal on this. The more that you emotionalize it, the more that you verbalize and external it, the faster it impacts your nervous system and then you start to create new behaviors.

So you create a picture, you combine it with an emotion, and then you start to create behaviors, and then you see results. That's the creation process. That is awesome. That explains why I'm feeling good. I make a lot of money. I seem to always make more money. It's the same as a steamroll.

Sometimes you're like, what is it? Is it good or bad? You say people have six things. I can do 36 things because I have six personalities doing six things. But anyway, let's sneak this in here too. One of the questions that I had for you was, how does this affect like your business, bad hiring decisions, leadership and stuff in the workplace? Because you help people with that as well.

Business owner came to me and he said, look, Daniel, I'm doing 45 million a year. I'm doing good. He said, but I feel like there's a glass ceiling. He's like, I just can't seem to break through to this next level. He goes, I've tried all the business strategies, but I've never worked on myself. And then he said something interesting to me. He said, you know, Daniel, the fish rots from the head down.

He said, I've got to change who I am for my business to grow. We worked together and we helped him change his attitude. Now, attitude is, hey, you've got a bad attitude. It's not that. It's our angle of approach. How are we approaching people? How are we approaching the pace of the environment? How are we approaching things? So we helped him become more aware of his strengths. We started to identify his limitations and then I showed him how to overcome his mental and emotional blockages. Within a couple of years, his business is doing $110 million.

Same business, same system, but he had really changed himself. And this is the key component of emotional intelligence. You can't give what you don't have. You might say, Daniel, you're a top guy, and I'd say, if you like me, can you lend me a million bucks? I'd love to. I just don't have a million I can lend. I'd say, Chris, you're a good guy. You're successful.

Can you lend me $100,000? You say, Daniel, I'd love to lend you $100,000, but I can't give you $100,000. I don't have a million I can lend. And so Chris, you're a good guy. You're successful. Can you lend me a hundred thousand? You say, Daniel, I'd love to lend you a hundred thousand, but I can't give you a hundred thousand. I don't have it. So the point I'm trying to make is we can't give what we don't have. So when business people come to me, they, first of all, they reinvent themselves because they have their own biases. And if they have a bias in the hiring process, they'll hire the wrong people. Another client said to me, Daniel, he said, I can flip a coin and I've got a 50-50% chance of getting the right person.

And I said, what's the flip of the coin? He said, my bias gets in my way. I keep looking for people like me to come and do business with me. He says, but I need people to compliment me. So using these sciences, we measure people's level of emotional intelligence before they come into a business

to make sure we're getting the best teams, the best players. And if you want to build a winning team, you've got to get the best people. And with science, we can reduce that hiring risk. We can reduce the risk of a bad hire by up to 93%. Wow, that's awesome. And that saves a company huge

because the average company a hiring mistake will cost you five times the annual salary so if you're paying them 100 grand and you get a hiring mistake then you're going to lose 500 grand but it takes you 16 weeks to get that person out of your business so during that 16 weeks your business goes into a decline so that's what i help them solve yeah or sometimes they slum it for a while and you're already in decline and yeah, getting rid of them is hard. And then you got to refill the position and yeah, bad hires are just the worst. And that's what really interested me when I was thinking about this and Robert Green's book was, like I said, we'd hire people

and everything would go fine. And sometimes I just have sales guys that had some sort of, you know, issue where they'd make a lot of money. I remember one time I had a guy walk into my office. He come to me, he was living on his friend's couch. He'd done some telemarketing work for us and been a good telemarketer. And he come to us and says, hey, I want to be a loan officer for your mortgage company. And I'm really broke. I'm living on the couch of my friend. I'm behind. He's behind thousands of dollars in child support. He lost his car. He was like really broke. I'm living on the couch. I'm behind. He's behind thousands of dollars in child support. He lost his car. He was really screwed. And so I said, we know. What the hell? Let's give you a try. You're a great telemarketer. And the same sort of phone skills apply. So we put him to work.

He starts making a lot of money with him because we had a great lead gen system and telemarketing unit. And within two or three months, he's got his draw paid off. He's doing really well, bought himself a car and everything. Comes to my office and he goes, Chris, I'm really having trouble right now. And I go, what is it? And he goes, I've caught up all my child support. I bought me a car. I got my own place now.

I got all my bills paid for the first time. I can't motivate myself to pick up the phone and sell. And that we can predict before somebody even comes into your business today. That would be nice. There's a test for that. And it's actually called a metaprogram. It's a function of the mind. And it's the way that people are motivated. And this type of motivation is motivated by the stick. So the only time that they succeed is once everything's stripped away from them. However, we can predict this before they come into a business. That would be good.

Because I would have that so many times. Anthony Ramos calls it the thermostat effect, but I think what you're talking about more better defines it because there's not much you can do with thermostat effect. You're like, what do I do? I just, I don't know, fire them and then tell them to come back in a couple of months when they're broke again? It's fascinating. I worked with a real estate agent. He was like that. He would only fire when he was under pressure.

And so what he would do is he'd create situations in his life, self-sabotaging behaviors that would force him to get close to being broke or he would wait for somebody to say, you can't succeed, you're going to fail, you're never going to make it. And then it's, I want to prove you wrong. And all of a sudden, he proves them wrong, but they're not watching. And then they lose motivation, which is like, hey, you told me I couldn't do it. Now I did it. Now you're not even watching me do it, and you don't even care. So they go from failure to failure, from place to place, and they love to hear that. So sometimes they can be great employees, but as the leader,

you have to understand how to motivate them. So my job is to say to the owner, hey, this person's going to get results, but your motivation style has to change for this person. You've got to constantly tell them, you can't achieve this. You'll never achieve that target. And then what happens is they're always proving somebody wrong and they get to be right. And then you become a great leader. Ah.

See, I've played that game with people where I've learned that there are some people that were in my office that, and I didn't really understand what we were doing other than it worked. And I'd have to do the takeaway or the abuse, which I never liked doing. But I'm like, it seems to work for them. You do that guy thing where you're just like, yeah, you suck and you're not going to make it. And suddenly they turn on and then you're like, it seems to work. It's a weird stick and stick process. It's for the leader and especially if that's not how you're motivated,

it feels like a conflict, but it's also a very tiring type of motivation because it's like, what can I tell them now? Are you going to fail? Are you going to screw it up? But then you start to feel guilty. You're like, how can I say this to people? But it's what they need. When I was working at Emirates Airline, I co-led a team of 17,000 people.

And I would get 17 new recruits with me on a flight, and all of them had to be motivated differently. So I had to master motivating my team. However, thanks to science today, we can predict it and make it really easy. That's amazing, man. I need that for a lot of different things. I remember years ago, I had a flight stewardess that I dated and she, if I was really nice to her, it would just not work. It would just be hell to pay and problems. But if I was really verbally mean and abusive and threatened to take things away or leave, she would, she would be totally in love with me. And it was really extreme. It wasn't like, it was like normal stuff. It was like, really? I almost had to schedule like the verbal, it wasn't so much abuse, but just,

I don't know, just being a real jerk. And finally I just had to quit it. Cause I'm like, I just can't do this. This isn't healthy for me. I don't, this isn't the type of person I am. I like to have somebody who's a little bit more balanced in my relationships, but it was interesting to me what sort of love pattern she had. And it'd be great to predict those things. a little bit more balanced in my relationships. But it was interesting to me what sort of love patterns she had. And it would be great to predict those things. So can I put this on my Tinder profile and just have people fill it? You just put me on the profile with you. I'm married.

And I'll give you some good advice. And when the girls come through, we'll get them to do an emotional IQ test. And then I'll teach you how to communicate with them. And then you'll be the greatest lover ever. As long as I don't end up married, I'll be okay. This is a bit of science that I've got here, and what we do is when we do these profiles, it actually shows us how to communicate to people.

Based on this person's profile, you've got to communicate to them visually, auditorily, kinesthetically. It's like for me, I'm a kinesthetic learner, but I internalize information. So I want to be given the steps, and then i want to step away process it and then come back out so that's how i learn but that's how people need to communicate with me to get the best out of me so in our relationship i understand my wife's communication style she understands mine and we don't have those conflicts as much as other people we still have conflicts but she understands how I need to process my wife's auditory external.

So she wants to talk and she wants an answer now. She'll ask me a question and I'll be inhaling. I'll be going, and she'll be like, why aren't you answering me? I say, remember, your auditory external, I've got to be able to breathe before I talk. And then she laughs. She says, yes, husband, that's right. But I still need an answer now. There you go.

No, that's really interesting. I'm the same. I'm the way where if I need to learn something, I have to be hands-on. Like you can't tell me. If you start telling me, so here's how you operate the gears of the car or whatever. I'll just start glazing over. I'm like, I can't put it together in my head. But if you give it to me and let me play with it and tinker with it, I can get it right away.

Boom. That's it for me. And yeah, that's kind of interesting. I never really thought about relationships. You need to worry about the auditory, kinetic, and visual stuff. It's, I don't know. Life is so complex. Can't we just get an easy button?

I wish we could. I wish we could. It'd be nice to have one there on the screen. This has been a great discussion, Daniel. We could probably talk forever, but we want people to, of course, call you up, get to know you better, go to your website. Anything more you want to plug as we go out? I think the best thing for people is this year, you've got to get clarity on your goals. Remember that your goals are your future, and you're going to spend the rest of your life in your future. And you want to make that future incredible.

So get clarity on your goals and then learn about who you are and who you have to become to achieve those goals and to live the future life that you want. There you go. That's awesome. Great stuff. Give us your.com so people can find you on the interwebs. Come and play.

DanielTolson.com. D-A-N-I-E-L-T-O-L-S-O-N.com. There you go. Daniel, it's been a wonderful day with the show. Really insightful show. I love this. It's been beautiful. And let's get you to take one of these mind reports one Monday and we'll see all these

relationship traumas. We might find out. You're probably going to read it and be like, this guy, we should just put him down. It's like an old horse. We should just shoot this guy because there's no saving this. Which is probably where I'm at. If you talk to every ex I've had, they'll probably say the same thing. But anyway, Daniel, it's been wonderful having you on the show.

Thank you very much. And continued success. Also to my audience, go to goodreads.com, 4Chest, Chris Foss, see everything we're reviewing and reading over there. Also go to youtube.com, you can see all the wonderful videos we have. You can see Daniel's beautiful motif that is in his back. He should probably get at least a 7 or 8 with Room Raider at this point.

And then also, go to our groups, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram, see our stuff we're doing on LinkedIn as well. Stay safe, be good to each other, and we'll see you guys next time.