The Chris Voss Show - The Chris Voss Show Podcast – F.A.R.T.: Top Secret! No Kids Allowed! (1) (The F.A.R.T. Diaries) by Peter Bakalian

Episode Date: May 3, 2022

F.A.R.T.: Top Secret! No Kids Allowed! (1) (The F.A.R.T. Diaries) by Peter Bakalian When a young teen discovers a top-secret parenting manual, it’s kids versus grown-ups in this kooky, illustrated middle grade thriller with nonstop, seat-of-your-pants action that will delight fans of Jarrett Lerner and Stuart Gibbs. When a tween boy [Codename: Furious Popcorn] picks up what he thinks is a cookbook and finds a diabolical parenting manual, his world turns upside down. The Ultimate Guide to Hacking Your Kids was written by an organization called F.A.R.T. (Families Against Rotten Teens), a secret society of grizzled parents whose origins date back to antiquity. FP is determined to get to the bottom of this, but when he begins investigating F.A.R.T., the manual goes missing, his parents deny knowing anything about any kind of book, and—maybe strangest of all—kids at school start listening to their parents and teachers. What kid would ever do that? F.A.R.T. proves to be more than just some gassy acronym and parental rules and regulations when FP and the Only Onlys, his best friends since preschool, discover F.A.R.T.’s grand plan: a brain modem that can turn kids into well-behaved zombies! This wacky crew has no choice but to find out who’s behind the nefarious organization and save young people the world over from total F.A.R.T. domination!

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So we're excited to announce my new book is coming out. It's called Beacons of Leadership, Inspiring Lessons of Success in Business and Innovation. It's going to be coming out on October 5th, 2021. And I'm really excited for you to get a chance to read this book. It's filled with a multitude of my insightful stories, lessons, my life, and experiences in leadership and character. I give you some of the secrets from my CEO Entrepreneur Toolbox that I use to scale my business success, innovate, and build a multitude of companies. I've been a CEO for, what is it, like 33, 35 years now. We talk about leadership, the importance of leadership, how to become a great leader, and how anyone

can become a great leader as well. Or order the book wherever fine books are sold. We have another amazing author on the show today. He's the author of the newest book. You can pre-order it now. It's coming out May 3rd, 2022. FART. F-A-R-T.

Top secret. No kids allowed. The FART Diaries Under Hardcover Peter Bakalian You got it You got it on the show Thank you There we go You normally ask that before the show

But we jump right into it So he is of course going to be on the show As you can already tell He's intervened with himself Which we don't mind at all He is an Emmy winning Writersriters Guild-nominated screenwriter who began as an intern at Walt Disney Studios in Burbank. He later joined the production team of Thundercats at Rankin Bass Productions

and went on to write for Curious George, The King and I, Santa, Baby. Is that Santa Baby? Santa Baby. Oh, Santa Baby. Big and small and Clifford's puppy days. In addition to his family, he loves the same things he did as a kid, unlike me who hates everything he did as a kid. World's Fairs, when he can find them,

surfing, pinball, and restoring bicycles. Welcome to the show, Peter. How are you? Thank you, Chris. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it me appreciate it there you go thanks for coming we certainly appreciate having you on do you collect pinball machines or something you know i had a pinball machine and the problem with owning a pinball machine is that once you beat it you don't respect it anymore and so you get bored with it and you've got this it's like uh how people have exercise machines in their houses that they never use you start putting things on it as a table. So that's why pinball arcades are kind of sacred to me.

I'm on the Jersey Shore where we grew up playing pinball. And there's a wonderful museum in Asbury Park. If one has the chance to go, it's really terrific. Awesome sauce. So what motivated you to want to write this book and why did you title it Fart? Well, I guess the inspiration was my, he turned out great, but like every parent, you worry, any new parent, you worry, and they don't come with a manual, kids. Although people put out parenting manuals telling you that they're going to work and all this other stuff

and nothing quite was connecting. And I was very nervous. And one night while I was driving home, there was this commercial that came on after like 11 p.m. So, you know, it was the cheap time. And it said, parents, you can have a well-behaved child in less than 30 minutes. We know the secret. We're scientists. Order the last parenting manual you'll ever need well i almost drove off a cliff i thought 30 minutes i'll give these guys you know thirty thousand dollars you can tell me and then it hit me what if my kid reads it right he'll know the secret or they'll use it against me yeah so um sounds like my first nine ex-marriages yeah so luckily i sort

of uh calmed down and i realized this just had to be hype it was another vegematic kind of thing but it got me to thinking that if there were such a manual such a manual real what would it look like and it would have to be a secret manual and not the way that these loudmouths were going about it. It would have to be not scientists. It would have to be parents. It would have to be kid-weary, grizzled parents sharing every dirty trick they ever knew about raising kids and keeping them in line. It would have to be a secret society. And I came up with the name FART, which is Families Against Rotten Teens.

Ultimately, that's what you're after. And that sounded right. So if kids found out about FART, no one would believe them because it's such a, it's an infantile thing to say, you know, there's an organization called FART and no one will believe the kids anyway.

So you couldn't, you can't buy this manual. One day a book will come in the mail. It'll look like a cookbook, but you open it up. It's actually your fart manual because you're a parent and fart has always kept track of everything. And you get your manual and you're in, you know, you're part of it. You're part of the conspiracy. And it's great unless your kid finds out. And in this book, a kid finds out and has to prove that it exists. And that's what kicks off the book. So it's really two books in one. It's an adventure, and it's also this manual.

We've actually got part of the manual in the book. So is it a story of the kid who finds the manual, or is it a manual hidden in a story? It's a kid who finds the manual and he loses it. Oh. Or he doesn't see it again. So he stumbles upon it. He only gets a glimpse of it. So he and his friends are out to prove in this

first book that fart really exists. So it's like trying to prove the Illuminati exists. It's kind of those conspiracy things where nothing is as it seems. It's a paranoid mystery. So for kids, you know, and I guess that's going to be nightmare fuel for some of them. But it claims that there's a vast parental conspiracy. And, you know, there really is a vast parental conspiracy.

When parents all get together and the kids are on the other side of the yard, parents are always sort of talking to each other about what works with their kids. And it's stuff that you never see in manuals. So the bottom line is, it's written almost in the same vein as Mad Magazine or National Lampoon when I was growing up. It looks like a manual. It seems actual bona fide. But it's, of course, kind bona fide but it's of course kind of ridiculous but it's got to be fun and that's that was the whole point it's just a it's just a laugh a good

entertainment piece who's it targeted to what what age group well it it's appropriate for middle graders and up and i think the publisher is using that as their touchstone but it's just funny and it's it's pretty accessible i mean i i i don't know if i should mention diary of a wicked kid but i just did that's kind of the gold standard where you've got something that's there's a lot of illustrations and graphics in this book as there is in that one and it appeals to a broad spectrum i think a lot of parents are going to get a kick out of it but it is written for kids i'm seeing some of the different pictures that are in here and it's it's written kind of like in a diary format diary

exactly diary too it's very kid graphic friendly very and as stuff and has a lot of funny stuff in it i'm seeing i'm seeing a lot of the mad magazine sort of stuff in the back of it yeah that's the the manual is in the back we finally reveal it. That's it. The manual's in the back. We finally reveal it. I hate to give away the story, but, you know, along for the ride. That's cool. That's cool. But, you know, you asked me who this is for.

It's for reluctant readers. I was a reluctant reader growing up. Uh-huh. And, you know, because I'm reading comic books and Mad and National and put in this stuff. That's what I was doing. And, you know, which is fine. But, and my son was a reluctant reader. I mean, he reads now.

I read now, obviously. But that's, that's really who I want to get to. Yeah. I mean, I was a reluctant reader. I hated reading about history and, you know, all the stuff they gave me in school. But yeah, it was a mad magazine and, and all the variations of mad that were out there. Was it, what was the other ones? It was Mad Magazine and there was...

Cracked? Yeah, Cracked. They have a YouTube channel and all that stuff. They do. Cracked and Mad Magazine. I was so heartbroken when I found out it was shuttering. I think they're just putting out old episodes now or something. But yeah, it's definitely fun and interesting.

And I love some of the funny stuff that you put into it. FART, Top Secret No Kids Allowed, Families Against Rotten Teens. What are maybe some favorite little stories you want to tease out? Well, I could talk about some of the content that's in there. The original title of the manual, which FART was not the original title. The original title of the manual, which FART was not the original title. The original title of the manual was How to Raise Your Rotten Kids Until They're Ready for Jail, which, you know, the publisher thought was a little harsh. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

That is funny, though. Yeah, well, you know, you got it. I actually thought that's what you're supposed to do, but I don't have kids. So that's probably why. When you open the manual, it looks like a manual. Yeah. And there are advertisements and products in there that only parents can buy. There's also tips from other parents.

One of the tips that a parent gives in there is that if you want to look like a genius to your kid when he comes up to you to help him with his homework what you should do is quietly buy the teacher's edition of whatever his textbook is oh get the answers and then you can talk to your kid like you so your kid will be in awe of you there's a little stuff like that and you can use just to you know keep your kid off that there's an ad for a service called perma smile which is a dental service which will give your kid a permanent smile it's like worth the budget but they will smile forever and so it's nice having a pleasant kid around you know yeah uh there's a camera that will stop kids from doing a photo bomb basically the camera can detect

when their faces are starting to contort into a nasty expression. And the camera will shoot out 40 gallons of compressed water. Holy crap. Yes. 40 gallons? That seems like a lot. Well, it's compressed water. I thought my parents were awful.

I mean, my parents weren't awful. They spank us every now and then. They'll make it through. 40 gallons. There's a thing called hypno trip where you put you tell your kids you're taking them to a very expensive theme park and you pile them into the minivan and you insert the hypno trip dvd and depending on the hypno trip dvd that you've chosen is where they're actually going to go. So, you know, the minivan has those screens that come down. You put in the DVD and a hypnotist comes on and tells them that they've gone to this theme park.

They've eaten everything they wanted and, you know, they've gone on every possible ride and then they'll wake up. They think they've actually done this. And the DVD comes with commemorative pencils that you can give your kids. So it's like they had, they got something something they got something yeah something for not being annoying during card i actually like this you know i never had kids and my nieces and nephews sometimes would would call me up and be like our parents are being mean to us and i'll be like well if if you want to come over to my house you know it's a fun palace over here. We have like video games and everything else.

I go, but you'll probably end up having to stay in some of the crate cages that we have for the dogs when they're puppies. Because I can't have you running around the house making a mess. You're going to have to go in the backyard where the dogs go. And you're going to have to probably, I don't know, set up a lemonade stand if you want some food or something. And you've got to figure out a way to raise some money. I start telling them all this just straight, plain and straight, right? Yeah, yeah. And they just sit there in horror and just go, you know.

Then they run back to their parents and never let Chris babysit us. It's Uncle Buck, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll call up my brother, you know. Hey, you want me to babysit your kids, man? I mean, I'm going to Vegas. Maybe I can give them some lessons at Spirit Rhino or something. And then they're just like, never let Chris.

And it's beautiful. Now if I could just get people on to call me when they need to move. But this might be a book that I could use to make sure that, you know, they want to come around. I'll be like, oh, it says in the manual that I should do this. So there you go. Yeah, this does, they want to come around. I'll be like, oh, it says in the manual that I should do this. So there you go. Yeah, this does look like a lot of fun. Looks like a lot of cool stuff that's in here.

I would have fun reading it because it's just pretty goofy. And the secret thing of, see, now you have me wondering if my parents were part of the Illuminati as well. Maybe there's something I don't know. I can't tell you. See, I am a parent, and I really can't tell you. Oh, so it's one of those, if I told you I'd have to kill you sort of things. It's ours.

So is this your first book? It is my first book. Awesome. I've written mostly screenplays, as we talked about, you know, for Curious George and Santa Baby and all this other stuff. You know, the interesting thing, when you're writing screenplays, you're writing, if you're writing for a show, you're writing for characters that already exist. There's a formula to the show, and there's not a lot of room for you

to do anything all that's original except whatever the plot is and whatever you can get those characters into. And when you hand in the script, you never see them again until it goes on television, and it bears very little resemblance to whatever you wrote. And it's a little frustrating, although it pays well and it's quick. But it's very frustrating that if you really want control, you have to sit down and write a book. And you really make that happen. So you create original characters.

And the only thing you answer to is a story editor. And I've got a great one at Simon & Schuster, Karen Nagel, and they really want to bring out the best in you. It's very different from television. Very different. Really different. So I wanted to really try it. So I set aside a good chunk of time and wrote the entire book. It wasn't a book proposal. It was the whole book. And that's what I handed in. And I said, this is what it is. It isn't anything else.

You know, a lot of times you go to a, if you're going pitching an idea to a studio, in my former life anyway, they'll say, you know, that's great, but can you do it this way? Can you add this? And can you try that? And after a while, and in the end, it's not even yours anymore. You don't even know what you're writing. It's great, but can you do it this way? Can you add this and can you try that? And in the end, it's not even yours anymore.

You don't even know what you're writing. It's goop. So this was kind of liberated in that sense. And who knows? I hope someone gets a laugh out of it. It was a lot of fun to write. It definitely looks fun. Do you see it becoming maybe a series or are you going to work on other projects?

It is a trilogy. Oh, okay. So in the first part, the first book, they have to prove that FART exists. In the second part, they've got to figure out how to stop it. And the second book is how they actually create a revolution

and the third book is how it all resolves and reveals what FART actually is. The other kicker in the book is that FART is getting more high-tech and they're moving away from the manual, and they're going into what they're calling the brain modem. You just insert a chip into your kid, and with a remote, you can actually get the kinds of results

that you want with your kid. And I thought this was sort of a stupid pipe dream until I realized it's probably more possible than the manual. I don't want a reading these days. The other thing I always threaten my niece's nephew with, I'm like, well, my kids are still at military school. They'll be there until they're 18, and then I'll go see them and see how they turned out. Have you guys ever considered military school?

They run off. So this is going to be fun. It'll probably make a great movie. It could. It's very visual. As I said, there's a lot of graphics and illustrations. The initial reviews that have come back from reading it,

people pre-reading it, is that it moves very quickly. I was very happy to hear that. Each chapter throws you into the next, which is what you'd hope for, kind of a page- turner. But I'd be very content if we get the trilogy done in a way that everybody's happy with it and kids enjoy it. That's really why I wrote it.

There you go. There you go. Anything more you want to plug out on the book, Peter? No, no. You've plugged it away beautifully. It is fun to look at. I can see how it's a fast read because the pages are short yeah there's a lot of words lots of pictures and it gets into fun stuff you're holding dynamite in

your hands uh yeah this is the easy eye edition right here oh yeah oh holy crap i know we went big this is the this is the official fort logo. The folks at Simon & Schuster came up and said, this is just a great job. I don't know. I kind of want to get this on T-shirts or something. I wonder how many parents are going to buy this book thinking it's real. Well, good. Maybe it is a manual for these damn teens. All my parents' friends, they always post on Facebook,

I don't know about these teen years. And I'm like, well, they did have birth control. So your fault. It was available. Anyway, it's been wonderful to have you on. It was wonderful to have you on, Peter. Do you have any dot coms? I think you have one coming up or a place to find it on the interwebs.

We're going to have a couple coming up. a place to find it on the interwebs. We're going to have a couple coming up. One is peterbicalion.com, which is going up Monday. There is going to be a link on that website where kids can go to it, and there will be a link where they can hack into FART's website. Oh, wow. That's just about done. And part of the story is that these kids actually hacked into Fart's website. So we're creating the backdoor into Fart that kids can break into.

And then we're on Amazon right now. Just put in Peter Buckeye and they're all good. Awesome stuff. That sounds like a lot of fun, man. It's got a three-dimensional virtual aspect to the book. Kids love that sort of stuff i mean nowadays you know i would love that if i when i was reading jr toki and if i could have gone on some website yeah i don't know seen more and stuff you know back when i had jr

toki books they didn't really have any graphics they had the maps and that was about it well you know i worked for rankin bass productions and they did the hobbit oh yeah the first hobbit back in the 70s it was sponsored by xerox of all people and uh they they worked with the tolkaim estate and all that other stuff to do that very interesting and so what the thing was you know that property was never you could never put it on real film because everything was so elaborate to get it right. And now with digital, they can actually do it, just like you're doing all this Marvel stuff. But at that time, animation was the only way to do it.

No, totally. Well, thank you very much for coming on. We really appreciate it, man. Chris, it was my pleasure. Thank you so much. Thank you. And thanks to my audience for tuning in. Go order the book. It's available May 3rd, 2022, so you have time to get your preorder put in. FART, F-A-R-T, with dots, top secret.

No Kids Loud, the first book in the FART Diaries series. Also go to youtube.com forward slash Chris Voss, hit the bell notification button. Go to goodreads.com forward slash Chris Voss to see all the places we are on the Internet. Thanks for tuning in. Be good to each other. Stay safe. And we'll see you guys next time.