The Chris Voss Show - The Chris Voss Show Podcast – Relationships? Which Brain is Talking?: The Ultimate Guide to Happy, Healthy & Successful Relationships by Christoffel Sneijders

Episode Date: January 9, 2025

Relationships? Which Brain is Talking?: The Ultimate Guide to Happy, Healthy & Successful Relationships by Christoffel Sneijders 3brainsintelligence.com Amazon.com Unlock the Science of Connection: Transform Every Relationship with 3 Brains Intelligence ❤️ What sets Relationships: Which Brain Is Talking? apart from every other relationship book? It introduces the revolutionary concept of 3 Brains Intelligence—a science-based, actionable, and transformative framework that goes beyond emotional intelligence to show how our three distinct brains—Head , Heart ❤️, and Gut —govern every aspect of our relationships. Unlike surface-level tips or one-size-fits-all strategies, this groundbreaking guide dives deep into the neuroscience of connection , helping you uncover the root causes of miscommunication, emotional disconnection, and recurring conflicts. Rooted in cutting-edge research, this book reveals that the key to lasting connection lies in understanding how these three brains influence your thoughts, emotions, and decisions. By tapping into 3 Brains Intelligence, you’ll gain insights and tools to create harmony within yourself and with others like never before. What You’ll Learn That Other Books Don’t Teach You 1️⃣ The 3 Brains Intelligence Framework: Discover how your Head Brain (logic), Heart Brain (emotions), and Gut Brain (instincts) independently influence and shape your relationships—and how aligning them leads to deeper connection, better decisions, and more fulfilling relationships. 2️⃣ How Emotions Are Shaped: Go beyond “love languages” or gender stereotypes to understand the core mechanics of how emotions and decisions are formed. Learn to align your three brains to create harmony within yourself and with others. 3️⃣ Beyond Emotional Intelligence: Emotional intelligence is just one part of the broader 3 Brains Intelligence, which integrates IQ, interpersonal & social intelligence, love intelligence, and even body and instinctual intelligence. It addresses the full spectrum of emotions, decision-making, and communication, empowering you to resolve conflicts, foster connections, and thrive in all areas of life. 4️⃣ Universal and Inclusive Framework: Whether you’re improving your romantic relationship, navigating family dynamics, deepening friendships, or excelling at work, 3 Brains Intelligence applies to all human interactions. 5️⃣ Breaking Through Emotional Blocks: Learn to identify and resolve the hidden influences of past trauma, subconscious patterns, and societal conditioning that hold you back from authentic connection and leading your life and work as you truly desire. 6️⃣ Practical, Measurable Change: With exercises like the 3 Brains Preference Assessment, you’ll uncover your dominant brain, recognise others’ decision-making styles, and apply strategies to improve communication, enhance relationship behaviour, and build stronger, healthier connections. Why This Book Will Change Your Life This isn’t just another self-help book filled with abstract ideas or one-size-fits-all advice. Relationships: Which Brain Is Talking? combines science, real-world examples, and actionable tools to teach you not just what to do—but why you act the way you do and how to change it at its core. By mastering 3 Brains Intelligence, you’ll: ✔ Break the cycle of miscommunication and recurring conflicts. ✔ Build lasting, fulfilling relationships and meaningful connections in every area of your life. ✔ Align your Head, Heart, and Gut brains for greater self-awareness and relational harmony. Packed with relatable stories, science-backed insights, and practical step-by-step exercises, Relationships: Which Brain Is Talking? provides the tools to break free from old patterns, align your 3 Brains Intelligence, and create the healthier, more fulfilling relationships you deserve. About the author Christoffel Sneijders was born in Amsterdam (1965), the Netherlands,

You wanted the best. You've got the best podcast, the hottest podcast in the world. The Chris Voss Show, the preeminent podcast with guests so smart you may experience serious brain bleed. The CEOs, authors, thought leaders, visionaries, and motivators. Get ready, get ready, strap yourself in. Keep your hands, arms, and legs inside the vehicle at all times because you're about to go on a monster education roller coaster with your brain. Now, here's your host, Chris Voss. Hi, folks. It's Voss here from thechrisvossshow.com. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, that makes it official. Welcome to the show. We certainly appreciate having you guys, as always, for over 16 years and 2200 episodes.

We've been bringing the Chris Voss Show, and we've been bringing you the smartest people, the brightest minds, the people who share their journeys, their cathartic moments, how they got through them, and they're here to help you get through whatever you might be going through as well. Although, if you're stupid, I don't think we can fix that. You know, stupid is forever. But we can make you a little bit smarter uh just by listening to the show for a chance chris foster like who's gonna fix chris he's pretty dumb uh chrisfoshow.com and

you know all the good stuff anyway we have a fine young man we're gonna be talking to today excuse me christopher snyders is joining us on the show with us today we'll be talking about some of his insights and how you can improve the quality of your life through some of his technologies and things that he utilizes he is a renowned expert in human behavior and transformative change he's got a rich background in psychotherapy, clinical hypnotherapy, somatic therapy, energy therapy, coaching, and NLP. He empowers clients worldwide to overcome challenges such as leadership issues, burnout, PTSD, anxiety, trauma, and addictions. As a founder of International Three Brains Intelligent Coaching and Leadership Academy, an executive coach and visiting professor at IE Business School in Madrid,

and author of the bestseller Relationships, Which Brain is Talking? He's impacted over 13,000 people globally in 30 years, inspiring profound professional and personal growth. Welcome to the show. How are you? Wow. Thank you so much for this introduction, Chris. Yes.

Good to meet you in this morning. And it is a pleasure to be in your show because I know your show is one of the best out there. And I listen to it. Now, do we want to lead off with your book, Relationships, Which Brain is Talking? Of course. I follow your lead. Okay. Yeah.

So you've got a book on Amazon. It came out February 28, 2023. Relationships, Which Brain is Talking? The Ultimate Guide to Happy, Healthy, and Successful Relationships. Give us a 30,000 overview. What's inside that book what's inside it now maybe you know let's go back in when we were young Chris the book and men are from Mars Venus females are my females was popular so actually described men and females are different yeah actually my book

almost really says the opposite and say we're all the same because we have three brains, your brain in your head, brain in your heart, and brain in your gut. And the only difference actually is how we use them and how we're educated and socialized. And why is it so important? Because everybody has a relationship, mostly with a partner or with your kids or with your other family members brothers sisters parents but also in the real place yeah sorry go ahead you say what makes it different if you know that we have three brains they have different kind of responsibilities in life they come aware if you have communication with somebody or you like to connect with somebody

you have to work with somebody and you know which of their brains is more dominant in their life you can connect with them much better and it doesn't matter if they're from china from the netherlands from the us female or male because we all have three brains so you don't have to look anymore from the outside actually disconnecting from the inside. And it makes a massive difference, actually, how every relationship can be successful. And so there's three brains that you talk about. This is kind of the cornerstone of your coaching and what you talk about with people and stuff. So you have the brain-brain, the heart-brain, and the gut-brain. A lot of people we've had on the show have talked about how

the gut is kind of your second brain there where uh you know what you put into gut determines you know it can affect like brain swelling and everything else so so true and there's there's a little difference in that part although they're connected so what we put in is say also say the microbes and the bacteria you have here in your gut system, in your intestines. When I talk about the brain, it's actually in your whole viscera, so underneath your diaphragm, it has 500 million brain cells. One, of course, for your digestive system and keeps you alive. But secondly, actually, to keep you alive and make decisions that are good for you.

And yes, they are influenced by what we eat and what we don't eat because those affect the bacteria in your gut but besides that part they can make independent decisions already so it's actually it is they're both connected but they're different so so yeah and so you help people identify these is eating right then basically part of the gut part of that brain foods absolutely if you talk about say healthy decisions in general healthy food helps because everything you eat will be say digested by the bacteria in your in your intestine system and the more healthy bacteria have in your gut system and the more healthy also decisions are and what

you said earlier if you eat too much sugar is too much fat it creates a different kind of set and actually what actually what your gut bacteria can do. They can connect to the wall of the gut to actually the nerve systems, the 500 million brains in your gut, create a nerve connection and your gut brain, the 500 million brain cells communicate actually upstairs to your head brain. So your gut bacteria can actually influence what you think and how you think and what you like and what you don't like, so there in that part, what you eat is extremely important.

Yeah, it definitely makes a difference what you eat. You know, I give up drinking years ago. Um, I eat healthy foods. I eat healthy foods. I eat live foods. I go to the local farm and buy healthy lettuce and different things like that. It really makes a difference in how you feel, your energy level, and, you know, your gut's happy. You're not sitting there with what I call a rock gut where you're just like, oh, God, what was that Taco Bell that I ate? Why did I do that to myself, you yeah absolutely yeah absolutely and that's what you right away say it your

digestive systems are taking so much energy and it needs the right bacteria to digest it that will start sending information to them and what you say is also true our three brains take up to 40 percent of our daily energy by all the things they do. So the moment you put, say, something not the right, let's say, food in yourself, it needs a lot of energy actually to get rid of it again or to transform it. Hence, you feel tired, you don't feel healthy, you don't feel energized because the energy is actually sucked out of the other parts of your body. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And it just really helps. I mean, when you're young and everything works right, you know, you don't have to usually, I mean, you should worry about what you're eating. Actually, it affects your metabolism, your body, and everything else. You talk about how your head serves your strategic partner, offering logical reasoning and analysis to deliver the best strategy or predictive outcomes possible. Now, does that serve the same for both men and women?

Because I know women are emotionally based, so their emotions are their one priority. I like to right away correct you. Women are not per se more emotionally based. In my book, there's also research done by two tribes. They're genetically almost the same. In one tribe, say, the females are seen as second-hand. In the other tribe, the females are seen

as number one. The men are second-hand. Actually, when you see when they're older, they behave just like they were educated. The men are more emotional. The females are less emotional. In the other tribe, the females are more emotional and the men are more emotional the females are are less emotional in the other tribe the females are more emotional the men are more rational it's actually when you talk about three brains yes we have a genetic preference that females

are more caring in the park because they also can get pregnant and they deliver babies and we already help them to produce them but that's only the sexual part it is how you train your heart rate just imagine how females are educated in general when they're young and you go and you see a little baby in a stroller and there's a say a blue shirt like i'm wearing is the boy or girl everybody says boy if it's pink it's a girl and from the day we are in this world we're actually put say labeled to act in a different way if a boy comes home with an with a bruised knee because he was playing soccer we say oh wow this stuff of you good good job when a girl comes home with a bruised knee because he was playing soccer say

oh no girls should not play soccer why don't you play with your dolls? So we create actually to make them more caring. When you go to the head brain, your head is always logical. How much are you trained to use them? The funny part is the moment, say, you train a lot the heart or the gut, the head brain becomes start, say, advising or the heart or the gut the head brain becomes start say advising or the heart or the gut brain of course the head brain is actually a great advisor to do the best things you like to do and if you're educated and socialized to be caring and be soft and social

most kind of stuff yes your head brain will that. Your gut brain will not do that. Say, go to the LBTQR STUI fix things, and I make a joke because I always mess up somewhere at the letter 5. You will see that, say, in communities,

the gender does not relate really to how much emotional or not emotional we are. Because they actually allowed or allowed themselves to release much more, say, the emotions or be a little bit more tough. So, what was the other thing that you had? You had the head, you've got the gut. The gut and the heart. And your heart um being

guided by empathy and connection uh prioritizes the impacts our decision how do we get better at being empathy uh empathetic and and uh achieving connection a great question say if you say the song of the head is the logical advisor it's the, by the way, in our whole body that knows tomorrow and yesterday. It's the only part that can do cause and effect analysis. That's one. The gut brain, as we started off with, is actually our survival. Our immune system is located in our gut. That makes sense because 500 million years ago, it was a separate entity. Everything in this world came to this world as a digestive system. Every single cell gets nutrition in, gets race material out. So that's a gut feeling. It's all about survival, me, myself, and I. That makes sense, because if you

like to be a Formula One champion, you need to be number one. If you like to be the CEO, you have to be number one. So it supports us to be number one. Three breeds. So let me come back to your heart, to your question. The heart is all that connects. When we were born, Chris, how independent were we? A giraffe

can walk in half an hour. It can run out a lion. Now, we an hour. It can run out a lion. Now, we humans, before we can run out a predator, it takes at least 10 years. So we are born and raised, actually, to bond. To bond with our caregivers, with our parents, otherwise we will never survive. Put a baby outside, when it's born, put it outside, it dies within a day. Because it cannot take care of itself.

So the most important thing for us humans and actually for mammals is bonding. And there where the heart brain comes in. The heart brain is all about connection. I've got a broken heart. My heart says yes to the person. The leafy Newton John was singing it already. My heart says yes, my head says no.

When she was singing about John Travolta in Greece. And there's one thing about something you think, okay, that sounds great, Chris, is there science behind it? The bonding neurotransmitter is oxytocin. Oxytocin is not produced by the gut. The gut cannot produce oxytocin. The heart can actually synthesize oxytocin is not produced by the gut. The gut cannot produce oxytocin. The heart can actually synthesize oxytocin, just like the amygdala can synthesize oxytocin. So the heart is actually capable of releasing oxytocin that keeps us, that is the bonding hormone and the lichen hormone.

So neuroscience actually proves the three qualities of the three brains so that makes it even more beautiful wow so let's talk how did you get into this business how did you get into coaching how long you've been doing it what were some of your influences your race and in the journey you went on to get here to be honest i started as a commercial engineer in studying that because i'm more logical oriented. Started in software design, but actually came aware while making software that I was always talking and connecting with people. And so I almost wanted to duct tape me so I could just program instead of talk. So when I came aware, actually, I really liked people.

Went into sales, and when I was 30, I had the opportunity to join the best company in Europe in leadership and sales training and also being coached. Bless you, Chris. Excuse me. And I came aware, I really knew that that's my real passion to help people. Even from a young age, I was more the helper. Why would you? Bless you again. And that's almost 30 years ago

and i really have like this is my passion i love to help people because if you make people better people they will influence people to make better people and at the end companies are better the world is. Yep. And that's also my vision behind it. My life purpose, let's make this world a better place if possible. That's definitely important. Yeah. So the last 30 years I've been doing that, and as you said at the beginning, I studied many, many, many disciplines.

There was one reason on what makes people really what makes people tick what makes people change of course there is billions and billions are spent yearly on coaching on training on development and at least 70 percent has just wasted the money because people don't change and i always came aware why don't why why why don't change? If you know that there's something healthy or good, when we spoke about food, why don't people do it? After all my surveys, I came aware eight years ago, you have a heart brain, you have a gut brain, and everybody knows if you're hungry and going to the grocery store

and you see some yummy, sugary, fatty stuff, and you're hungry or you see a yummy, sugary, fatty stuff, and you're hungry, or you see a salad, nine out of 10 will go to the yummy, sugary, fatty stuff, because that's what your gut brain actually says, I want it. So again, the gut brain and the heart brain actually are in our, you could say, our emotional instinctive brains that actually override the head. Hence, if we change those, we can really change for people their development. Then it starts happening. And I worked in Australia where I lived as a therapist.

And so a lot of people had physical abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse, all that kind of stuff. And say, where is trauma stored? In your heart and gut mostly. We know it, what happened, but we feel it in our body. At the moment you can disconnect it in your body, then it just

becomes a memory and whatever they had is gone. And that really sparked me better also in the journey to the three brains and to do what I do. Because if you help one people to get his or her life back again after being sexual physical emotionally abused that's a massive win because they can have normal life again for the rest of their life oh yeah teach a man to fish and you can feed him for a lifetime i suppose

is that uh is that the right analogy yeah. It's a beautiful analogy, Chris. So, yes, I know I gave you a whole story. I thought I would give you the whole story so at least you know where's the A and where's the Z in the story. Oh, wow. So talk to us about some of the offerings that you have on your website. I see a lot of different offerings. How are some of the different ways you help people and what they can find on your website in courses or trainings etc etc coaching as you said in the beginning i help people's individual and in teams so people can sign up if they like to become a better coach as a professional coach

or as being a leader and have to coach people in my certified by international coaching federation with free brain coach certification training so people learn actually how to coach people knowing that we have three brains and how do you make them change and that's freaking amazing and the other offering is always a request one one-to-one with people saying coaching or therapy to make to make that happen and that's the easy one and when when you spoke, when we started with the book, Relationships, which Brian is talking, I would say that's the easy entry for people. If they just like to have a 10 or,

it depends if you're Kindle or more or on paperback, a 10 or $20, it depends on what does it work? What am I? What is more dominant to me? And how is my partner or my colleagues? I would say that's also my passion and I would love

to say everybody who listens to you buys the book, not because they get rich from it but for one reason they will improve every relationship they have and every relationship with their kids, their parents, their partner, their colleagues will become better. In the end, you you me and all of us will benefit from that so i see on the website you've got three brains coaching and so you've got a three brains coach

certification master coach certification tell us about break those down for us so people in the audience can understand what they're about. So if you look at the three-brain coach certification, what makes it special, Chris, and what is beautiful of it, and we spoke about LP, you can't come aware which brain is talking. So when you talk to somebody, you actually come aware or can't come aware

are they more talking from their head brain, their heart brain, or their gut brain. And if you know that, you can come aware either more talking from their head brain their heart pain or the gut brain and if you know that you can come over here hey how should you connect with them or where is say where are they stuck to change because if somebody's only talking from his head it could be the heart and the gut are not involved in the discussion. So it could mean that after discussion, the heart and gut say, no, we're not part of it, but actually we don't like it.

We don't change. Huh. So that's part of the thing. Yes. And it's the same to come aware. I always say as an example, what happens in love people, say you are a head brain dominant person if they have a

more heart brain dominant person and they communicate and the heartburn person likes to please the heart that the head brain person says you know why don't you go out for dinner the head brain person would say oh wow but i was actually doing my emails i was still doing this so i don't know actually this is rather spontaneous the heart brain could feel say right away pushed away but actually what happens the head brain cannot be spontaneous it likes to know the best answer so we'll never say yes or no on the right spot. But the heart brain likes to be acknowledged. So if you don't hear a yes right away, it feels pained. So knowing which brain is talking helps you actually become aware

how the person responds and how you should interpret that response. Because if you ask the heart brain person, hey Chris, what would you like to eat? And the heart brain person says, I person hey chris what would you like to eat then the heartburn person says i don't know what would you like to eat no no i asked you first you know i love what you love so you choose no no i chose what you say you choose and you get the discussion of 10 minutes because the heart brain does not like to choose it likes to please you yeah so and if you see that then say this is then personal relationships but if you see that, then say this is personal relationships. But if you do that in business relationships,

it can be the same. I'll never forget I was coaching somebody who's a risk manager, extremely headbrain, and his boss was rather annoyed because he was never spontaneous. I said, that makes sense. A risk manager is always about safety, but you don't make risks.

And secondly, he's extremely head-brain dominant, so he likes to know to give you the best answer. Spontaneous decisions won't happen. They can only be spontaneous when you say it's a brainstorm session because then every answer is allowed. So that's an example. And when he knew that, every time he spoke to the guys, let's brainstorm what he actually said to the guy, be spontaneous in your answers, but he knew that it

will not work. So let's brainstorm. Let's just talk about the IDs. Everything is good. Everything is good. And the relationship improved massively and the risk manager really could bloom to his qualities because he was not afraid anymore to give an answer. So if you know which brain is talking, it helps a lot. Now, that's part of the training and then how to coach people on it. Just to mention, you had something happen,

that you have a limiting belief. You know, I need to eat healthy. I need to eat a lot of meat. I need to eat a lot of veggies. Or, you know, we have to have the lot of meat, I need to eat a lot of veggies, or you know, we have to have the best project, we have to win. If those beliefs you have, it makes it extremely hard actually to change or look from a different perspective. And all of those beliefs I just mentioned are actually all in the heart or in the gut. So if you know

that you can coach people, hey, how can you change that belief system, knowing that the sword in the head or in the heart or in the gut? And then they can look at different opinions anymore. Yeah, I like the wing, but it's not important for this job. So that's actually what we do in the training to help people. Get them trained, get them coached. So what kind of clients do you usually look for if someone's listening in the audience?

How do they know if they're a good fit for working with you? Yeah, you hear me now saying, actually the best fit is if people really want to change. And it sounds obvious, but what I mean is that is you know i'm willing to change i don't like to have say some solutions i know and then say i did a course and i know it but really i like to make the difference i like to change then you could person so if you look in the business world, there's almost everyone who says, you know, I liked I have an ambition, ambition to improve myself or to improve the job I do, or to visit people

I work, if that ambition is there, you're the right fit. If you'd like to follow the training, it's actually, you know, I don't like to be one on one, I like to learn the techniques and the tools and the mindset for that. And I like actually being a group with mind-like people managers leaders coaches who have that and actually then in the training we can coach each other and actually also have the benefit oh that's good to have um so people can reach out to you what's the as we go out tell people what the best way to onboard with you uh how to reach out to you find out if you're fit

and check out some of your services as well so the easy ways to fit chris and we made the jokes about our names chris is for us most easy but your phosphorus double s is already hard my snyders is impossible to pronounce so my website isintelligence. And if you type or Google 3brainsintelligence, you find me. You find the website and you can find me because there's my WhatsApp, my email, my phone number. And right away, and I would say that is fun, there's a free 3brains dominance test in 16 languages. And you can just 10-minute test and you can become aware,

hey, which of my brains is actually dominant in my normal decision-making without that I really think about it. And why is it so good or so much fun? Because most people say I'm more head or more heart or more gut-oriented, if you would ask them. A lot of times, they could be true but a lot of times you also see that people just misjudge it because and god as i said the head is always supporting the heart of the god sometimes people

say i'm more logical oriented and actually they're not more logical oriented only their heart a lot of times ask the head, give me an answer. And they think they're logical, but what the head actually do is supporting the heart, and they're totally heart-brained people. If you know that, you know actually what are my strengths, what are my general pitfalls, and in communication

with other people, where should they be aware of, and where should they not be aware of? And it's a pre-test, no strings attached, but it's a pre-test no strings attached that's a lot of i would say this is a lot of fun to do so to come aware what's happening inside you so three brains intelligence that makes life so much easier uh so uh pretty insightful so uh as we go out give people the dot com one more time and we'll round out the show Yeah, so the three brains intelligence dot-com And you find it. Well, thank you very much for coming the show. We really appreciate it man. It's been very insightful

It was all pleasure Chris and I wish you a lot of luck and have great interviews because now People listen to you and they find your show is the most interesting one to get information from. So I hope I've fulfilled your interest and your objectives for the show. Let's make people aware how they could make their life better. So check it out, folks. Order up the book where refined books are sold as well called Relationships. Which Brain is Talking? The Ultimate Guide to Happy, Healthy, and Successful Relationships.

Out February 20th, 2023. Thanks to my audience for tuning in. Go to goodreads.com, 4chesschrisfoss, linkedin.com, 4chesschrisfoss, chrisfoss1, the TikTok, and all those crazy places on the internet. Be good to each other. Stay safe. We'll see you next time. And that should have us out.

Great.