The Chris Voss Show - The Chris Voss Show Podcast – She Looks Fine, By Roberta Campbell Knechtly and Paige Knechtly

Episode Date: August 12, 2022

She Looks Fine, By Roberta Campbell Knechtly and Paige Knechtly Shelooksfinebook.com A Mother and Daughter’s Journey Through a TBI Roberta was living her best life as an empty nester until she received a call that would change her life forever. Her daughter Paige was hit by a vehicle in a crosswalk. Paige, an independent young adult, became dependent on her mother again. Roberta reentered the world of caretaking. Both lacked the tools to understand what was happening. For years following the accident, their lives changed in ways they could never have imagined. Roberta thought Paige looked fine; Paige was wondering when she would feel normal again. Both didn’t understand the invisible brain trauma that persisted. In She Looks Fine, Roberta and Paige openly share their journey through a TBI together, so that you can understand, accept and support your loved one even though they may look fine.

You wanted the best. You've got the best podcast, the hottest podcast in the world. The Chris Voss Show, the preeminent podcast with guests so smart you may experience serious brain bleed. Get ready, get ready, strap yourself in. Keep your hands, arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. Because you're about to go on a monster education roller coaster with your brain. Now, here's your host, Chris Voss. Hi, folks. It's Voss here from thechrisvossshow.com. Thechrisvossshow.com.

Hey, we certainly appreciate you guys tuning in. Thanks for being here with us today. It's another wonderful, glorious day in the Chris Voss Show family. Remember, the family loves you but doesn't judge you. Not at all. Not even the slightest way. Unless you're really a horrible, bad person and you're evil to other people, we might judge you slightly.

But that would be me personally. That wouldn't be the show. Remember, the show always loves you as long as you tune in. And refer the show to your family, friends, and relatives. Go to iTunes. Give us a five-star referral over there as well. We certainly appreciate it. Go to goodreads.com for it's just Chris Voss.

See everything we're reading and reviewing over there. Go to all our groups on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram, all those crazy places the kids are playing. The big LinkedIn newsletter, of course, as well. You can just search Chris Voss, The Chris Voss Show, and you'll find everything we're doing there. For the show, we certainly appreciate it. Today, we have another amazing author. We put these folks into the Google machine and say, brilliant authors. And they just come up and we invite

them on the show. It's like magic. It's the magic of the interwebs that just comes. See, if you were watching the video version of this, I'm doing the David Copperfield sort of hand movement. So definitely tune in for that. People are like, I'm doing the David Copperfield sort of hand movement. So definitely tune in for that. People are like, I'm not tuning in for that. You're either watching on YouTube or you're listening in your car. There you go. So today we have an amazing author on the show. She's the author of the book that will be coming out September 9th of 2022. Roberta Canelti is on the show with us today. Her new book is called She Looks Fine, A Mother and Daughter's Journey Through TBI. And she'll be talking to us about her new book and

everything else on the show. She is an educator, author, and entrepreneur. She studies personal development and is passionate about health and wellness. She is a devoted mother of two and committed to educating others about the invisible nature of a TBI and continues to research alternative treatments for healing. Welcome to the show, Roberta. How are you? Thank you so much, Chris. I'm good. There you go. And did I get the pronunciation last name correct? I think so. Yes, you did. There we go. I always make sure.

So give us your dot com so people can find you on the interwebs and learn more about you, please. So on Instagram, I am SheLooksFineOfficial. On LinkedIn, Roberta Canelti. And that's K-N-E-C-H-T-L-Y. Facebook, the same, Roberta Canelti. And my website is www.shelooksfinebook.com. There you go. And what motivated you on to write this book?

You know, so four years ago, September 9th, my daughter was actually hit by a car while crossing in a crosswalk and suffered a traumatic brain injury, among other invisible injuries. And it was tough. Like we had a really difficult time. I had no clue what I was doing and did not understand a traumatic brain injury whatsoever. And after like two years of still not knowing and not understanding, I started digging in. And the more that I learned, the more I knew that I had to spread the information that I had learned. So to raise awareness for traumatic brain injury. And then, yeah, my daughter started some different treatments and started feeling a little better. And so, yeah, my daughter started some different treatments and started feeling a little better. And so we started that process about a year ago.

You're living your best life as an empty nester. And then all of a sudden this, this accident happens to your daughter. Tell us a little bit about that and how that took place. Yeah. So both of my kids were in college at the time and I had just sold my house that they had not grown up in their whole lives, but the second part of their lives. And I was ready to like move on. So I'd been a hairstylist for over 30 years. I started teaching hair extension classes and started traveling all over the United States and having a ball. I was like, this is it. This is my time. And I was in California actually when this happened. And so I got the call there and it was a long, it was a long haul trying to get home

to her. Wow. You know, you, you raise your kids. You think they're out there in the world. You know, sometimes you worry about children when they're small because, you know, they always do stuff when they're small and get in trouble. But all of a sudden this hits you. And do you end up being a caretaker at this point? Yeah. So, gosh, she was in and out of the hospital for a couple of weeks. And, of course, I was by her side the whole time. And then we brought her home and she was like, oh, you know, thinking, I'm going to go back to my apartment.

Then we're like, wait a minute. I don't think that's going to happen. So, yeah, four years later, let me just tell you, she's still with me. And we're still in this apartment here. But it all happened how it's supposed to. And we've been able to take our time with her healing. And so she was able to finish college, too, under disability services. Nice.

So let's talk a little bit about TBI so we can lay a foundation to that. I didn't know about TBI until, like we talked in the green room before the show, I had a friend in my late 40s and his 60s who fell, had a brain injury, and then started, you know, we used to go out and hang out in Vegas. We used to have coffee all the time and shoot the stuff and hang out. But then after he got TBI shoot the stuff and hang out but then after you got tbi you couldn't hang out let's talk about what tbi is so that our audience can get kind of a understanding about how how massive it is and how life-changing it is and i believe it's permanent you know okay so

that is definitely debatable but the thing is you don't even have to hit your head wow right so it's a blow to the head or a lot of automobile accidents even if you don't even have to hit your head. Wow. Right. So it's a blow to the head or a lot of automobile accidents. Even if you don't hit your head, just that movement of kind of going back and forth as your brain inside is kind of jiggling around. Right. So that can cause a traumatic brain injury as well. So they're typically classified as mild, moderate, or severe. So, and honestly, even people with mild brain injuries have a difficult time. And it depends on what part of the brain that you hit, what part of your head that you hit, that affects you in many different ways. Unfortunately, my daughter, we believe she hit her front forehead on the windshield and then kind of threw her back and then she cracked her skull in the

back. So she had a double. And so the frontal, I think, affects more of your personality. And that was tough because my 22 year old daughter started acting very adolescent. And so, which isn't kind of typical sometimes for someone to do that. I didn't know, I didn't understand it. And the emotions, I mean, they get very angry. She got very angry. And the thing is that everybody's injury is different. So I can't talk for everyone, but this is what he experienced.

Yes. Yeah. So she had a migraine, like a horrible migraine. And typically, I think what causes that, I'm not a doctor, but I think it's the swelling of the brain. So you can have bleeding on the brain. Yeah, she had a horrible migraine. When she was in the hospital, she couldn't even open her eyes. She had to wear an eye mask.

And the noise, the sound sensitivity was absolutely horrendous when i brought her home just when the microwave would like beep when it was finished she couldn't she couldn't take that sound wow there's a lot of things that we've learned and we're still dealing with this four years later um when i was saying that it's debatable whether it's permanent or not, I've heard different people say that you can, I guess, cure yourself of this, and we're still trying to figure that out. Definitely. Maybe when you're younger, and I guess the severity, I didn't even know there was differences of severity. And my friend that got it, he had fallen and I believe hit the back of his head. He woke up in a pool of blood and he had brain bleeding or bleeding in his head that they had

to go out and I think drill a hole and drain. And so yeah, you can have torn tissues, bruising, bleeding, and other physical damage to the brain. And then I'm just reading here on the web, there's lots of different ways that can affect you. Cognitive, perceptual, negative thoughts, relational, interpersonal communication, environmental, sensory overload. That happened to my friend's sensory overload. The reason I mentioned we would go to coffee a lot. You know, we go to Starbucks, hang out there. It would drive him, you know, suddenly we couldn't go to Starbucks anymore. Or if we did, we have to sit on the far end of the patio. and the noise of people, the noise of the clamoring of the, of the, you know, the coffee shop and stuff would really get to him. And he'd have a really hard time. And I had

a hard time understanding it because as a person, you're just kind of like, I don't know, there's a bunch of noise here, but it would really, you know, it would get to a point where we just stop hanging out. Behavioral self-control, time management, effective mood swings, these are five different dimensions. I'm reading off the internet of TBI irritability. So you're not probably trained as a caretaker and being a caretaker is a whole lot more work and what's the word I'm looking for, a weight than most people realize until they become a caretaker. Oh my goodness. So luckily I did join some support groups because then I would have thought I wouldn't have understood it at all. But when I heard other

people saying the same thing that they were dealing with. That kind of, that helped me. So I'm still in the support groups. We still chat about that. And oh gosh, no, I was not prepared. And I don't think that I'm the most like patient person to deal with all of this. So I was like, wait a minute. I definitely have grown over the past four years and she's she's doing pretty good she's she co-authored the book with me there you go because i felt like as i started writing this i thought people need to hear your side because what i was thinking and what was going on wasn't the truth. So she would wake up, you know, so she wouldn't want to get up until like noon. And as parents were like, get out of bed.

We're like, what are you doing? But they need, like she needed that extra sleep. Yeah, to probably heal. And, you know, it's, so you talk about that in the book. It goes through your guys' journey together. Yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah.

She explains things from her side. And we really, about a year and a half ago, we were really butting heads because I didn't understand it. I still fully didn't understand. That's why I kept digging in and doing some research. And the more I understood, we actually became closer. That's really good. Yeah, we do have a close relationship. Now, you know, she still has pain.

She still has chronic pain. She does, of course, have neck and back issues and she has nerve damage on her left foot. So there were other things in there too. But she doesn't complain a lot. And that was the thing. People were like, well, you know, but she looks fine. Oh, there you go. The title of the book.

Yes. And I'm going to tell you, the people, the other caretakers from my support group said, you nailed it on that. We hear that all the time. You know, that was the thing. I had a hard time with my friend. I'm like, oh, he looks fine. You know, I mean, if you have a brain injury, you shouldn't be walking around. I didn't understand what TBI was. I know.

And then he sent me some videos and some stuff, and I started to get educated. And then I was always compassionate to him. But it is hard to understand, especially if it comes out of left field. I'm reading here on the Internet, an estimated 1.7 million people sustain a traumatic brain injury each year. About 5.3 Americans, million Americans are living with a TBI-related disability. It's just a mess of things that this can affect. Sensations, so hearing, vision, sensual sensation, body awareness, even smell, emotion and behavior, of course, depression, anxiety. I'd be depressed if I got hit by a car, of course. Irritability, anger, impulse control, personality changes.

You mentioned like the front of the brain, different things that can affect that. Cognitive function of memory, attention, processing speed, problem solving, language, physical function, strength coordination. And yeah, if you've got damage to your body as well, you know, and there's, they can become confused. You know, that was my friend when he would get too much input. It was almost like some of my friends who have, I can't, I can't think of it on the spectrum there, but if they get too much input, they get too much noise, they, they shut down. They can't function. People that are on the autistic spectrum, some of them, they just get too much stuff. And it can affect multiple lobes in the brain. I'm seeing about five or six different ways that this can be damaged. So it really is crazy. And it's good that you're shining a light

on this experience. And also your journey as a caretaker. My mother's been a caretaker of my two sisters, both in care centers for most of their lives. I was a caretaker for my dog during hospice care and cancer for about a year and a half. And it's a journey just for yourself in and of itself. Talk a little bit about that, Samara, if you would. Yeah, I think it was really tough too because she did go through a major depression. And as a caretaker, you just, you feel so helpless. You don't know. And I would try everything, right, to just try and cheer her up.

And it's been just having that communication and knowing when she wants to talk and when she doesn't want to talk. And giving her space, but yet letting her know that I'm always here for her. What are some stories that stick out in your mind in the book or you think the readers will be enticed by, or maybe some examples that will touch readers? Oh goodness. Let me try to think here.

After I wrote my book, I forgot everything that was in it feels like it's been forever doesn't it yeah no process well it's good that you're shining a light on this so that people can people can get an idea of what goes on and maybe they can understand other people have tbi because you know it it's it's hard it's a hell of a journey like i say i was just reading here on the internet it can take sometimes at least five years for someone to kind of go through at least some healing and kind of get their legs back underneath them and help in asking her to write the book uh and co-author the book how did you how did you juggle the duties of your writing? You know,

here's my experience and her writing her experience. Is there, is there a different voice in the book as you go through, or did you collaborate together in, in, in narrative? Oh my goodness. So I,

I didn't know if she was going to make it or not for a while because we were kind of waiting on her. And, you know, it evolves, right? That's how when you write a book, it just, you have an idea. And it kind of stayed on course. But then we threw in her like four chapters, you know, turned one chapter turned into four. There you go. And so she, it's like, I was a little worried that she wasn't going to be able to finish it. And then when she finished it, it sounds amazing. She sounds amazing.

So I said, I, I don't know how you pulled that through, but you did. And it had to be at the right time for her. I think that was the most important thing. Mm-hmm. So she tells some of the book through her story, her journey. Does she talk about just her experience? Does she talk about interacting with you and helping get through the process of building a relationship with you that you guys can understand each other? Oh yeah. Oh yes. We talk a lot about that. And so the thing, what was interesting is, and I've heard this a lot with other people that have dealt with traumatic brain injuries. It seems like it's very misunderstood. Like we, we were at one hospital and were sent home and then I knew she wasn't okay.

So I got her back to the hospital, and I've heard this from multiple people. So being your own advocate and really doing your research, that's one thing that I want to stress, is that if you think you're not okay, then you keep going back, right? And finding the treatment that you do need. What advice do you give to people that maybe end up caretakers, they know someone who has TBI? What's some advice maybe that you've shared in the book that can help people, you know, we can tease out a little bit to, you know, if you know a friend who's TBI, you know, I had to with my friend who's TBI. And if I ever have any future friends or TBI, I know, you know, how to give them that kind of space

and understand and be empathetic towards what they're going through. Yeah. So I've actually had several people reach out to me and I'm so happy that I've been able to give them some information about what I just knowing what I went through and and and recommending the support groups so being around other people that have dealt with that so you can understand it a little better and just you know nutrition was so important. She lost her taste and smell. Oh, wow. So, and so all she wanted, and she talks about this too, is like pizza and milkshakes for a while.

And she, she has a degree in health education. So that was not her. Wow. Yeah. She's Miss Vegetarian here. So. Wow. and health education so that was not her wow yeah she's this vegetarian here so wow that'll catch up to you after a while you know i'd be guilty though yeah she did she put on some weight she felt horrible about herself she was depressed it was like everything together and she definitely goes into detail in the book about that. That was some really tough times. I think it's hard for a woman, too, because, I mean, there's a lot of value placed on how you look or a lot of pressure in society on how you look.

There always has been. It's a biological thing. So that's always a challenge, you know, and, and probably, you know, the emotion of, you know, eating emotionally, I probably was guilty of that sometime in my life where, yeah, yeah, you're, you're, you're eating emotionally and, you know, depression is, is such an ugly thing. And, and I, I, I can't imagine not going through something like that and experiencing severe depression. I mean, I don't have a TBI and I'm severely depressed. Oh, one of the things I do want to say is that I had to take guitar lessons because I felt like she needed to do something right. And she had this guitar that I had bought a few years prior

and it was just sitting there. So I said, hey, this is kind of your opportunity. And so she did that for a little bit and she said, no, really not for me, but she likes to sing. So she started writing her own music. Yeah. And then she actually, she has her first album out. Oh, wow. She's got an album out. Yes. wow. She's got an album out.

Yes. And that's what people don't understand. It's like, how can you have an album out, but you're saying you still don't feel good all the time, right? Yeah. But that's how, that's just kind of how it works. So, yeah, she's been working on her music. She writes all of her music and she actually has her song coming out on september the 9th which is her four-year anniversary in the same day that our book is going to be released and that is that is her song called fearless well that's good so and she's pages

vocals on instagram that is awesome well she's found a way to you know do her thing then and and. And, you know, I mean, you can, I mean, people can do stuff. You can compartmentalize and when you feel good, you work on stuff. And when you're not feeling good, you can do stuff. What are some other things that you're also working on? You're kind of developing this into a bit of a brand or coaching may help people in the future? Yeah. So last year I started a personal development program, something I've always been interested in. And, you know, I've always watched the secret with since it's been out since like 2006, I think. And I would watch that all the time. And so last year I just started this course with Bob Proctor and it was so eye opening.

It was exactly what I needed. And he taught us how to, that meditation was so important. I didn't realize. So I started meditating and that's actually when I had the idea, the intuition to write this book. So it was just kind of one of those things that happened. And then this year, Bob passed away in February. And then I was asked to co-author a tribute book to him. So you're co-author a tribute book to him.

So you're co-authoring a book. When does that book come out? So not for sure. I believe hopefully by the end of the year. Okay. So excited about that. Just had to write really my experience and how much I've changed in the past year since I started his program. And I mean, I'm going to tell you, that was huge.

Yeah. Realize what a, like a coach or a mentor, how much they can help you. They can really improve your life. Yeah. I, I've, I've changed a lot. And so I'm still in this personal development journey. And I'm actually studying with Kathleen Cameron right now. She was also a student of Bob's. And I love the, we go a little more into depth with the spirituality.

And tapping into just your inner self. And it's been, it's been very healing also, also writing the book was very healing. But I believe this journey now is going to lead me to the mentorship myself so that I can help others heal from trauma and just improve their, you know, self-confidence and all those things that I know I needed help with. It's quite the journey. Right? I mean, it's quite the journey. I know what this is like to go through to become a caretaker.

No one prepares you for it. There's no, there's only classes you took in high school where it's like, hey, guess what? You're probably going to end up being a caretaker. No one prepares you for it. There's no, there's only classes you took in high school where it's like, Hey, guess what? You're probably going to end up being a caretaker. Is the book going to be available on Amazon and most bookstores, et cetera, et cetera? Yes. So it's available for pre-order right now on my website, but pretty soon it'll be available for pre-order as well on Amazon. There you go. There you go. Amazon, wherever fine books are sold. Because we always tell people, stay at those alleyway bookstores. I went to an alleyway bookstore

and I stepped on a nail and I had to get a tetanus shot. So don't do that. I think someone stole my watch. I'm just kidding. That's like a joke we always do on the show. Always go to the fine bookstores. Never go to those alleyway ones.

I don't know. Are there alleyway ones. I don't know. Are there alleyway ones? I don't know. That might explain those slander alleyway lawsuits, the slander lawsuits I keep getting in the mail. So there you go. You got to love it. What have we touched on about the book that you want to tease out to people to entice them to pick it up? There's a lot. There's some twists and turns in there. Let me tell you, there's something about me in there that is a lot of people don't know. And I'll just tell you, I'm able to understand traumatic brain injuries a lot better now. And I'm glad that I do because I had realized some things throughout this journey. And I think it'll be very interesting for people to hear that.

I think it definitely will. If people can understand what goes on with this and help others share the word, you know, I mean, like you mentioned, sometimes it's very subtle. Sometimes it's very powerful and overcoming and, you know, people, people struggle with this. And I think being caretaker too is another way that, you know, people struggle. I didn't know what to do when I became a caretaker. I really wish I would have sought more psychological help during it. I wish I would have dealt with my depression. You know, when you're seeing something you love, that your child, for me as my dog, you know, and it's fading away and disappearing, you know, it's hard emotionally and mentally on you.

A lot of caretakers, people that are out there that are caretakers, you know, I think there's a highest amount ever right now of people who are taking care of their elderly parents, maybe parents that are going to dementia and, you know, their ailments. You know, it's hard. And people don't realize how hard it is on you. You know, not only is the person who's going through the experience going through their journey, you know, you have your own journey you're on, and no one prepares you for it. And there's not a lot of people that understand what you're going through. They're just like, oh, I don't know, just have a coffee. You'll feel better. It's, it's, it's hard and it's difficult

and it weighs on you. You know, it's, it's, you know, in my case, I was watching something die and disappear before my eyes. I could see the cancer growing every day. That's, that was kind of different than when you see somebody who like your book says she looks fine. You know. I could see the cancer growing every day. That was kind of different than when you see somebody who, like your book says, she looks fine. I could see the cancer growing every day. So it was always there staring me in the face going, I'm killing your dog. And pretty soon, you won't have a dog. And I win. That's a whole new level of mentality. Same thing with my two sisters in care center that my mom goes through. She can see the decline. And it's really tough. So it's not only a great book about TBI, but it's also a great book on the caretakers of any sort of thing that people are

going through. They kind of understand the psychology of it. And then of course, you know, understanding that just because you look at someone and they seem fine, yeah, they might be going through something. Exactly. I think it's just watching our journey and because we were, we've had, we've been in some rough places and just hearing my daughter write about that, that was hard for me hearing her talk about the depression and, and everything that even though, you know, it reading about it was another thing. But when you see how far we've come and the healing that we've done, I think we give people hope. And that is what we want. Hope is, of course, one of the greatest gifts. I'm not sure if it's the greatest gift. Maybe life is.

I don't know. But it's one of the greatest gifts to human nature. Because as long as we have hope, there's kind of always a future, at least something we can aspire to. Anything more we want to touch on about your book before we go? I think we got it covered. We got it eased out wonderfully. There you go. Do you still do the hairdresser touring,

and are you still doing that business of helping other people do that work? So I'm still working in a salon a few days a week. I'm not doing the hair extension education right now. So that all kind of slowed down a little bit. But yeah, still doing the hair and see where this takes me and I'm ready for my next journey in life and very optimistic and ready to move forward. And, yeah. There you go. There you go.

Well, it's been wonderful to have you on the show, Rachel. We certainly appreciate you sharing your journey. It's one thing to go through it and then it's another thing to talk about it and share it with others. But, you know, hopefully that will be the light that inspires the world and gives them hope. So give us your.com so people can follow you on the interwebs and find out more and pre-order the book. Yeah, so www.shelooksfinebook.com. There you go. There you go.

Thank you very much for coming on. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. Thank you. And thanks to our audience for tuning in. Go to youtube.com, 4chesschrisvoss. Go to goodreads.com, 4chesschrisvoss. See our big 100,000 group on LinkedIn, the LinkedIn newsletter.

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