The Church of Eleven22 - [BONUS] Relate: a conversation about your love life - Episode 01: The Man

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

This week Pastor Joby and his wife, Gretchen Martin, sit down and answer questions about their relationship and others related to week 1 of the Song of Solomon series, "The Man".

Hey 1122 family welcome to relate where we're going to have a conversation about our love lives today I have Pastor Joby and his amazing wife Gretchen with me and here at the church of 1122 we are a movement for all people to discover and deepen their relationship with Jesus Christ and over the next 10 weeks as we study the book of Song of Solomon which is an incredibly relevant book in the Bible about your love life and like love life we are going to get the opportunity each week to dig deeper by asking questions and hearing some thoughts from Pastor Jobi and Gretchen and some other friends along the way on all things regarding relationships. My name's Ali and I'm going to be your host each week which basically means you get to send in your highly personal exposing deep

questions and then I'll be the one to ask them like they're my own. It's going to be awesome maybe for you guys and me. But in all seriousness I am super excited for this show. So Pastor Joeby and Gretchen. This is the first time we've ever done anything like this. Totally. Tell us what you hope people will get out of this after watching each week. I'm thinking what might happen in our time together is that, you know, I mean, I just preached the text and that's primarily a one-way conversation. It's more of a, it's more of a conversation than you realize because I can kind of read people's faces and, you know,

expression, so you are kind of talking back to me. But you don't necessarily get a conversation. You to just stop, raise your hand and say, I have a specific question about that principle you just laid out, et cetera. And so maybe this will be an opportunity to put some handles on that. And this will be available as long as there's an internet. So one of the things that I've found, I don't know if you've ever done this, like you listen to a sermon or a talk, or particularly about relationships. And they're sometimes in your life where they're more applicable than others. And so, for instance, in a few weeks, we're going to talk about how to fight. Well, I'm sure many of you aren't fighting at all right now. And so you think I don't need that, but there may come a time in your life

where that week, it may not happen the same week that you need it, but six months from now, you could come back and listen to it, and we will have it all recorded. So I think it'll be a very helpful tool for our people, not only to deepen our relationship with Jesus, but deepen our relationship with each other. For sure. And you all have been married how many years? 20 years. 20 years. So that's 10 times the amount I've been married. I've been married just two years. Do you have any advice for us? Yeah, I'm the biggest expert now. No, I will withhold all advice until at least five years. And I will just say, from my experience with you two, my first impression of your marriage was back at Beach Church when 1122 is a service.

And Gretchen had just started on the worship team. And you would get up almost every time for your sermon. And you almost had this look of awe. And you wouldn't say anything for a little. And then you would just say, I'm married to her. And I remember thinking, I hope I find someone who looks at me the way, like, when I'm doing what the Lord has called me to do, the way that you were looking at Gretchen.

And so I just thank you for that. And now it's just so fun for me to experience that in my own marriage. So I'm excited for this show. It's going to be amazing. Before we dive into anything too exciting, I want to hear from each of you one thing about the other person that you love that maybe no one really knows. Okay.

You or me. I'll go. Okay. So Gretchen is a, beast in the gym. Now, it's obvious that she's, like, in shape, but there's a lot of in-shape people, but they just kind of like, you know, eat good and wiggle around or whatever. But I'm talking about med ball slams and sprints, and I'm talking, I mean, big, sweaty, mess, stinky, she doesn't smell super good at all, kind of like asparagus, and it is, like, if I tried to

keep up with her, I would die, I would die. And I'm not even saying it's, like, super sexy. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying it is the intensity at which she works out is like, holy goodness. So it's just been always something that I've loved and respected. And I don't know if people know that. So that's the thing? That's the thing, ma'am. That's why I don't work out with you.

I'm just trying not to be too fat. That's what I've decided to. Yours is too intense. Well, I was going to say you're very sensitive and you cry a lot. That is true. That is amazing. This is great. Not about random stuff.

Well, sometimes. Like when he watches like a puppy commercial? A cat commercial, definitely not. We know that to be true. Not a cat commercial. You're sensitive. He's very sensitive. He's a sensitive guy about things.

It can be random things. There's something just strikes him in a way. And typically it makes him think about me or the kids or, you know, and then he just, he loses it. Love that. Do you feel like that's gotten more so as you guys have aged together? Yes. He wasn't like that, like when he was...

I don't know. He's definitely more sensitive than he was. 20 years ago. He was having a daughter, that's what it was. Yeah, yeah. True. So, Gretchen, we hear all the time from Pastor Jobie on stage, how he stalked you, but like in a cute, like not super creepy way.

and took you to Chili's and all the things but no one has ever gotten to hear your take on your love story so can you tell us how you met and how you fell in love? Well I mean you've said it in many different ways in many different times so honestly I mean just to be frank I was engaged when we met scandalous yes scandalous

and it was I was engaged guy that I had been with my high school sweetheart and through college and just that's just kind of what you did you just but I was never content with it um it was not I can that's a whole other episode um but we met in the gym and yes he asked me for a spot and that's all true and I didn't think anything about it I just went along my way I was engaged you know and then probably two weeks weeks later, three weeks later. I managed the health club that was like the sister club to that club. So I never worked out at that one because I couldn't because people were always on me. So I would just go to this one. And so I would just show up randomly and he was there again. I didn't remember him. And he was like, hey, gotcha. You remember me? And I was like, love that.

What's your name again? Yes. Yeah. That's what I do I had her. Yeah. Yeah. But then, I mean, we just talked. And, I mean, every now and then we would just talk in the gym and talk in the parking lot. And that was about it, you know.

And then I was going through a rough time in my relationship anyway. And so for me, it was just the breaking point was I can't, I can't marry a guy. You know, I just can't marry a guy. a guy if I'm not sure that this is the guy I want to be with for the rest of my life because my mom always said it's better to be single and want to be married than to be married and want to be single and so for me that take write that down right that's a great quote yeah and um so anyway that's that's that's another episode broke the engagement off and then eventually we started hanging out and dating and um he took me to chilies a few times maybe olive garden

Oh, stepping in up. Yeah, step it up a little bit. Unlimited. You're like, we'll take more salad and breadsticks. Yeah. Right. Yeah. It was a very short engagement because we both knew he was in a relationship kind of similar to mine before as well.

And I mean, I think we just knew. We were like, he said, you be you, I'll be me. And if it clicks, then great, you know. And that's what we did. I mean, we just didn't try to hide anything from each other. It's awesome. Yeah. No one needs the games, right?

No games. Love that. So, Pastor Job, you always say to be the one your one is looking for. Right, is that it? Sort of. Be the one. Be the one. The one you're looking for is looking for it.

It's a lot of double things. I actually heard Andy Stanley said it for some ever heard it. Okay. But now you've said it enough times you can claim it. Correct. So what are some of the things that you did way back then, way back then, that to start to be that? godly man that you were trying to be the one your one was looking for? Honestly, I was just, fundamentally it comes down to this.

It should be serious about your relationship with Jesus. I mean, that's the first thing in what I just preached, that his name is oil poured out. And that means purified oil. And the only way that you can be pure is to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. And that legitimately was the most important thing in my life. Yeah. And I was not trying to like figure out a way to get the girl.

by changing who I was, you know. And simultaneous to that, I was growing up and just taking the responsibility of manhood, you know, getting my own place and having a job and paying bills and some of those kind of things. So I think if you think, the problem is if you began to think, how can I get somebody to be into me?

That's very different than how can I become the person that God has called me to be run the race? He's called me to run. And then occasionally look around and see who's running. the same, not only the same race, but the same pace. And then like Psalm 34 says, let us, let us magnify the Lord together. That's what that means. So ultimately, it's just basic discipleship, man. Just get to know Jesus and be the person that Jesus has called you to be. And then put yourself in environments that if you see someone, like you mentioned in your message,

if you see someone at the doors that you think is attractive, then probably loves Jesus. you should sign up to serve. And you see in Song of Solomon, they were both doing that, right? Like, she is like, well, my goat's got to eat somewhere. Maybe I could bring him by the Shepherd's Ten. She's like, and he says, you know where the Shepherd's Ten is. We'll just run them down there. So, like, I straight stalked, I mean, I stalked Gretchen, and we didn't even have Facebook.

Like, I couldn't figure out any, I had to just keep a gym bag. It's really physical stalking. It's really hard to stalk back then. Totally. But at least I was a youth pastor, so I didn't have, like, a real schedule. True, true. So I could just swing by the gym three, four times a day. Right, called discipleship.

Totally. And then when I saw the little Honda Accord, then I heard French horns, and I would go in and we would just talk. That's incredible. And so Gretchen, in your experience, especially, I mean, what a unique perspective that you were engaged? And so you were going through, there's many layers to that for sure. And so what did you feel like was different about when you started talking to Jobi

and maybe when you started becoming interested in him, what did you feel like was different about him? He loved Jesus. Bottom line, I mean, I could see from the beginning his heart, and I'd never really, I'd never dated a guy who had a heart for Jesus like he did. And so I didn't even realize, I grew up a Christian for sure, but not like the deep relationship that he had with the Lord. And so he just showed that to me from the beginning.

And I was like, that doesn't come around very often, you know. And so for me, it was just his heart for Jesus. And he was a stud at the same time. Of course. So. It was the tank top. He had muscles. The tank top.

Tank top and muscles. And the 902-1-0-Go-T. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a lot going on. He totally. Syburns and go-tee?

Well, yeah, 9-0-1-0. Is that a thing? Is that a thing like Joe Gart? Yeah. And you were into... You guys are too young. You're too young for this. Yeah, I'm a little too young for that.

Google it. And you were into the sideburns and goatee? Well, I mean, everyone was about that. Really? That was the thing. It's hard to picture. But now it's big beards, the thing. Which I think we're going to look back...

You just basically connect it. But that is the thing now, I mean, beards. And we're going to look back in like 10 years. Right. Yeah, like a Civil War General, I think. All right. Let's go a little deeper. So, so... Tell us, what is your advice?

And I think a lot of people can relate to this. We got this question sent in. What is your advice if it feels like your spouse is critical of everything you do? It's like the worst. We were at this prayer breakfast thing, and this guy was talking about relationships, and he said the number one predictor of divorce is contempt. Not how much you argue, not what you argue about, not.

of all the things that cause you to be fractured or separated, it is contempt. Now, the Bible has some pretty strong words about if you live with a critical person, things like it's better to live on the corner of a roof than when the nagging wife, it's better to die in the desert than live with a nagging wife. I mean, there's a pretty miserable existence. And God's like, no, seriously, just get your stuff and come with me. We're going on a camping trip. Where are we going to go?

you're going to die in the desert and the ravens are going to pluck out your eyeballs. But that is going to be better than this. Now, I think if you can get under it a little bit and understand where it's coming from, then you can help solve it. But I will tell you, it's hard to be friends with somebody and to love somebody that is just constantly telling you what is wrong with you. But oftentimes that comes from a good place. See, the man is called to be the leader, to love his wife like Christ love the church.

But right after that in Ephesians 5, it talks about that Christ washes his bride in the water of the word to present her as spotless and blameless. So there is this reality that God is supposed to use me as a sanctifying agent in my wife. What most guys do, if it's a guy that is the critical one, what most of us do is we do what Adam did, we abdicate our responsibility in one of two ways. Either we're too afraid to say anything, which is bad. I mean, think about it. The enemy is talking to Adam's wife, and he says nothing, and he's standing right there.

And I think there's a bunch of dudes, and they're just afraid of their wife, or they're afraid of rocking the boat, so they just don't say anything. And then often what happens, just like Adam, he doesn't say anything, doesn't say anything, doesn't say anything, and so that when God shows up it says, what happened, then he goes to blame. And so if you live in one of those extremes, that's pretty

much misery. Now, if it's a wife that's being critical all the time, again, I think it comes from, I mean, Eve was created to be a helper. And when sin happened and God cursed everything, he also cursed the relationship. And he says to Eve, your desire will be for your husband, but he will rule over you. That word desire does not mean like I want you. That would be a curse. it means like a desire to overthrow. And so oftentimes when wives criticize husbands, they think they're helping. But he feels like it's a hostile takeover.

And ultimately what every man needs from his wife is he needs to feel like the man. Like if you're a believer, every husband that's a believer has a Holy Spirit. We don't need our wives to be the Holy Spirit for us and tell us everything we do wrong. Now that doesn't mean that God doesn't use this. I mean, think about this, okay, leave the marriage part out of it.

If you were just friends with somebody, hopefully you'd be good enough friends with that person and you would have the kind of relationship where you could speak into each other's lives and it wouldn't come across like a critical heart towards one another. And you would want friends to do that. Well, how much more do you want your spouse to do that? But you've got to do it in such a way that the person hearing it can receive. receive it. So it's got to be super gentle. Timing matters. And then ultimately, one of the questions you've got to ask if you're criticizing your spouse, is it just your personal preferences or you're

talking about a precept of God? Because if they just do stuff that gets on your nerves, suck it up. Change your nerves. I mean, the Bible says love bears all things. Love believes all things. Love never fails. So, and I promise you, it just never works either. No one's ever criticized. anyone into personal growth and change and a deep and abiding relationship. All you do is just nag that thing to do. Yeah. Gretchen, can you talk to us a little bit about from the women's perspective or a wife's perspective? I mean, sometimes if it builds up or you've been thinking about it for a while, you know, you're just, there's things you want to say. Do you have any advice for wives in helping to practice supporting you are the man and not maybe criticizing? Yeah.

Well, I mean, just for that question in general that was asked, I think there's got to be an underlying issue there that that needs to be addressed and they need to dig deeper in there. Like, why is, why is the spouse criticizing all the time? Like, what is the reason behind it? Like, is there, is there a grudge being held? Or is there something that happened in the past that has not been resolved? is their bitterness toward the spouse? There's got to be something in there

is it the way that they were raised and that's all they know to do that they saw their mother or father doing that. There's just an underlying issue that probably needs to be addressed. But to be the supportive wife and not the nagging wife

can be difficult because there is this inner thing that, you know, to overthrow or, you know, to overthrow and to take control and to submit and let our husband's lead can be really hard for some women. It really can. And so, honestly, I would say communication is the first thing. You have to communicate with what each other's desires are for each other, you know?

Not so much expectations, but desires. Like what I want out of this. is for you to do this, or what I don't like is this, or this makes me feel this way. And it just all comes down to communication, but it's really for a woman to support the husband and not be the criticizing wife, it just comes down to love, communication, respect.

It's good. Bottom line. Gretchen Olson asks me, and categories matter. too. Like if Gretchen wants to criticize what I'm wearing, please. I don't, she's like, can I tell you something about your outfit? I'm like, I don't wear outfits. I'm a man, I have clothes. What's wrong? And she's like, that's not, that doesn't work. Right. And I'm like, okay, no problem. But honestly, I mean, it's a weird thing. I'm like with the preaching and all the, I mean, I'm in front of way too many people. A lot of outfits. Tons. A lot of

clothes. Right. And I don't care. You'd be amazed how little I care. So I've invited her into that area of my life. Please, I just don't want to look dumb. I'm not trying to look cool. I just don't want to leave them. Okay. But then there are other times where she will just say, can I share an opinion about church? And then I get to say, and honestly, it just kind of, sometimes it depends on timing

or my mood or do I feel like I have the emotional energy to hear this right now? And then honestly, timing is a big deal too, as little as I do not want to hear about a sermon improvement on Thursday night. That is off limits. because we've got until Sunday. But please don't let me look dumb before Sunday.

So on Saturday we'll bring this thing back up. Does that make sense? For sure. And I think you should negotiate those things. And there's some things and it's just like, hey, please tell me these. And other things, I would appreciate it if you ask me if you could share these kind of criticism. I think that's a great tool for everyone at home to ask if you can get, if you can enter into this category. right now. This is the right time. For sure. Yeah. For sure. Okay, so bringing us out of that heavy

topic, which this is still relevant to many of our men, it seems as though girls never go for the nice guy. And so how do you be a godly man without getting friends owned? People need to know this. All the single men at home are asking this question. First thing, I would say, who told you to be nice? Nice has no place in the kingdom of God. We are supposed to be kind and gentle. We are supposed to know the difference between when to be tough, and there's the time to be tough, and when to be tender, for sure. We're supposed to provide shade of the apple tree, all of those things.

That is nothing to do with being nice. The Bible says from the days of John the Baptist until today, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing and forceful men take hold of it. That it takes forceful men and women to accomplish the great commission. But the underlying, the underlying, Part of that question is, should I try to change who I am in order to get a date? No way, man, because then you'll never be you to keep her. So just be the you God created you to be.

And if you're a nice guy, join a disciple group with a bunch of grown men and get after the Great Commission, go on some serious mission trips to places where nice things don't happen. Volunteer in one of our ministries here where we're like pulling women out of sex trafficking and things, they ain't nothing nice about being a Christian. Now, kindness and gentleness for sure. I don't think Jesus was nice. He called the Pharisees brood of vipers, flipped over tables,

and yet when it was time to be tender, he looked at people and said, who's condemned you? Neither do I condemn you. That's different than being a nice guy. Yeah. But I went to the nice guy. Look how nice I am.

He loved Jesus, but he was not the nice guy. I mean, I think even as a woman, I don't want to be described as nice. I don't think nice is biblical under for anyone. It's just kind of weird. It's blank. But yeah, what they're getting at is, you know, how do I, how do I be a godly man?

You can't blame, if a girl doesn't like you, you can't blame it on Jesus. It's good. It's good. That's like a whole sermon right here. Don't blame it on Jesus. So if you're getting friends owned, there's a reason. and just don't look too deep into it.

Yeah. Like maybe she's not the one. Yeah. Just go on. Don't dwell in it. Good. Well, you guys, we are out of time for today. I feel like we could talk about this for hours.

But we, next time we're together, we'll be talking about what it means to be a godly woman, which I know Gretchen will have all the insight for us on that. And thank you for those of you at home for joining us today. What a privilege to hear from Pastor Joby and Gretchen. Thank you so much. And next week, I hope you'll join us. We will have our dear friend, Pastor Ryan Kwan,

come to talk to us about singleness, which will be awesome. If you heard anything today and you are like, I have a question about one of the future week topics, we would love for you to send in your questions. You can go to co-e-22.com slash Song of Solomon and fill out the form there. Don't be shy, church. We're so excited for what God has for us,

and we'll see you soon.