The Church of Eleven22 - [BONUS] Relate: a conversation about your love life - Episode 05: Sex

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

Hey 1122 family welcome to relate where we're having a conversation about our love lives each week we have deeper conversation about what we're studying as a church in song of solomon you can catch any previous episodes at coe 22.com slash song of solomon thank you for sending in your questions each week it's been amazing to hear the vulnerability and realness in them today along with pastor joby we have two faces you may recognize dan and christin knight they're married and they serve as our 1122 online hosts each week. They're an incredible part of our 1122 family and we're super excited to have you here this week. We're diving into the topic of fleeing sexual immorality. Now, this content is considered PG-13. So if your kiddos are watching, it's PG-13.

And now I've given you ample amount of time to send them into the other room or put in your headphones. Check out this short clip from Pastor Joby's sermon this weekend. Well, let me just tell you what I believe. Okay. What a lot of people in our culture is, is they have a certain behavior, and then they shape their beliefs to match their behaviors. So whatever it is that you believe about what marriage is and all of that, sex and sexuality, my question to you would be, why would you believe that?

Have you ever asked yourself, why do you believe it? Is it just because of the culture that we live in and what you see in every movie and every TV show and on the news? Well, for the believer, for the person that claims Jesus as their Lord and Savior, we say that he is our king, he is our authority. And here at 1122, me personally, I'm a Bible guy.

I believe that God has given us this word as a gift, and it is my authority, and it is my standard. And of course there's going to be some stuff in here that I don't like and I disagree with and my behaviors don't match up to it. And so then I have an option where I can just mold my beliefs to match my behaviors. This is what our culture has done.

or I could surrender my behaviors to what I believe about Jesus. So again, everything that I'm going to say is because the Bible, not our society, is my authority. Friends, we have some heavy questions this week. And I have to say when I was reading through them, you can just hear the desperation and vulnerability in these people's lives and reaching out and just wanting answers and how they can pursue a life of purity. And so we're going to get into some really real things and it's going to be heavy, but I really think we're going to give everyone at home handles to how they can pursue this.

We ready to dive in? Let's go. All right. The number one question we got was there are so many things that land under sexual immorality, married or not, sex before marriage, adultery, pornography, flirting if you're married, the list goes on. Pastor Joby, in you and Gretchen's lives, how do you put in practical boundaries to flee sexual immorality. I think part of the reason we have the marriage that we have now, almost 21 years in,

is because we have guarded our intimacy and exclusivity like crazy. And especially, particularly knowing my past, a lot of the mistakes that you've made in the past should inform some of the guardrails you put in your life going forward. And so I am a bit of an extremist when it comes to, I mean, we work together, so you know this. I'm never alone with a girl ever, ever, ever. ever. Now, I am the lead pastor here, so I get to make up my own rules, but that is a rule. And so I don't counsel women, I don't pray with women. I just don't, I'm just never along with a girl. And so, if you do that, it's really hard to have an affair if you're never alone with somebody. Also, Gretchen and I, we talk openly about what's okay and what's not okay, and we talk openly

about, I don't know, what I would call dangerous people, and you know who that is. And then if ever, for some reason, we have to break one of our man-made rules, and I immediately tell my wife. One time we had an intern, and she got in a car accident, and I was driving by, like on Beach Boulevard. And so I didn't pull up and be like, well, I hate it for you. I've got this rule. We can't be alone together.

I just called Gretchen and said, hey, Maria got in a car accident. I'm going to give her a ride home, but I just wanted you to know right then. And so we have warred against that in our world, because there's just been a lot of people in my position that have made very, very unwise decisions. And it usually starts with one small, how far is too far, where's the line,

they flirt not flee, and so I am a Pharisee when it comes to the boundaries that we have in our life. It's really good. And Dan and Kristen, you have a story of the Lord's redemption, particularly related to sexual immorality. Can you tell us the journey you walked

in this journey with sexual immorality? Yeah, absolutely. So Kristen and I met 14 years ago online, and we fell hard and fell fast, talking to each other on over the phone until 5 o'clock in the morning. And after just a couple weeks of that, we decided to get together physically, and her and I made the mistake of having sex right away. And that's sort of the foundation of our relationship. And over a span of a decade or so, we continue to try to do it our way. Her and I both grew up in the church, but we also grew up in the American culture, which was certainly encouraging us to continue to do what we were doing,

despite watching our lives get harder and harder around our relationship. And in that time, we had our daughter. And you hear Pastor Jobi mentioned that there's no accidental kids, but there's certainly accidental parents, and we are that. And it wasn't until we moved up to Delaware and we got plugged into a discipleship group that we started to have brothers and sisters in the church really wrapped their arms around us and encourage us to take steps into doing a God's way.

And so in that process, we decided that we were going to make a commitment to stop living as a married couple until we got married, to try to restore some of this intimacy. And through that process, after we got married, we were able to enjoy each other in that way again. And so I can tell you

that we are a living testimony of God redeeming something that we made a mess of, and he's really turned it into a beautiful thing. Yeah, we had to put our disobedience down and pick up the obedience of chasing after God and trusting that what he says he means, fighting against our flesh, and both seeking simultaneously him.

And the more Dan sought him and the more I sought him in that problem, process, this is what happened. And he redeemed it. He restored it. And, you know, doing it our way, we have wounds. You know, we have wounds that we've had to heal from. But being, making the decision to be obedient and just trust him was life-changing for our relationship and our marriage. And was it easy to do that? No. No. No, I mean, well, you go from something that you've already, for like a better words, experienced, right? Over a period of time to say you're not going to experience anymore.

And the cultural says, well, you've already done it, it's fine. Maybe you should have done it that way, but you didn't. So just keep experiencing it. It's very hard. It's very hard to stop doing something that you've been accustomed to doing, right? Especially when you are around each other all the time. That was really, really hard. But it was worth it.

Yeah, it was worth it. Anything you can add to that? Yeah, I would say, man, God bless you. And honestly, you got a stud of a man that would love you enough to be patient. I mean, it's hard to put it in reverse. It's hard to unhold hands. It really is. And I talk a lot in the sermon about how God created sex and intimacy to be intertwined.

And when you get it out of order, you can chase all the intimacy out. But you use the word, man, God redeems, right? I mean, isn't that the result of the gospel? That all of us at some level have failed when it comes to sexual immorality, and all of us can be forgiven and redeemed. And there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. And this kid that you didn't plan, God has a plan for him. I mean, if you look, Solomon, who built the temple, his mama is Bathsheba.

And so if you don't know that story, look it up, it's shady. and the New Testament is not ashamed of her either. She is listed in Jesus's genealogy as a part of how the Christ showed up here on the earth. And so God is sovereign even over our mistakes and habits and sins and all of those things. But man, God bless you. It's not how you start that matters, man. That's how you finish. Yeah, thank you.

That's good. It's really good. And Chris and I loved when we talked before, I think you said, the moment you laid down disobedience and picked up obedience started the clock on restoration. And not that it made it easier, and I know you guys failed and God's grace abounds, but I love that idea that God is in the business of restoration and redemption. So good. Okay, so our next question, Pastor Jobi, we will go to you for this one.

We got this from someone who we won't name, but acknowledge some really hard stuff they're walking through. And I know they're not alone in this. So they said this. I'm really struggling, maintaining mental health and loneliness as I continue to battle my sexuality as a Christian who has chosen celibacy because of you. of the fear I won't be able to love a woman. Any words of encouragement for depression, anxiety, homosexuality, alcohol,

and wanting to get help? Well, first of all, my heart breaks for this person. But one of the things that our world teaches us is that a lack of sexual fulfillment somehow equals a lack in the human experience. And yet Jesus was celebrated his whole life and he was fully God and fully manned and lived life to the full.

and only he can fulfill those places in your heart that you're looking to some other things to fulfill. And as a married man that loves my wife very much and gets to act on my sexual desires with my wife, she still cannot fully and finally satisfy me, only Christ can. And so I would say, in regards to depression, anxiety, sexuality, alcohol, all of those things, we've just been studying the Shema for two years. and this is the way to come at it.

What does it look like for you to love the Lord of your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength? So the heart is, do you have healthy relationships with other people? Because companionship can be fulfilled without sex and sexuality being involved in it. That's the heart.

Soul, are you doing the work with Christ, abiding in him? Because apart from him, there's no hope. You can do nothing. So that's the soul. Heart, soul, mind. You probably need to see seek professional help to make sure that you are thinking the right thoughts,

that you are filling your mind with the scriptures, those kind of thing. I would find a Christian counselor. And then also strength. A doctor can help you make sure that everything's working the way God designed it because when sin entered the world and the world was cursed, not only were our relationships cursed, but things were cursed at the macro level and at the micro level. All the cells in our bodies don't do exactly what they are supposed to do because of sin.

I'm not saying because of your particular sin, I'm saying because we live in a broken world. The whole thing's fractured. And so I would pursue this. I would be around godly people. I would be in God's word. I would seek Christian counseling and I would seek a doctor's help. And all of that is your pursuit of loving Jesus with all. So good.

Kristen, what could you offer us? How do we love our brothers and sisters going through this or anything when it comes to sexual immorality? How can we love them well here? I think we have to start by realizing how God loved us, right? That's where we start, right? Like, me not deserving it, and whether it's homosexuality, idolatry, whatever, like Pastor Jobi referred to in the sermon, you go back to what Paul said in Corinthians, there's a list that we all can check one or the other.

But we have to start loving, we love by loving this. how God loves us, right, without the judgment, just displaying that grace upon them, wrapping our arms around them, providing that community for them, a place where they can openly share what they're battling them, what they're battling with, and helping them find the resources to get over that struggle, to feel that they have a partner, right, someone that they can talk to, but that's also going to point them back to who God is, reminding them that what they're experiencing is not who they are, but focusing on whose they are. That's how we love them.

So shifting a little bit to... Shifting a little bit to the context of marriage, we got this quite a bit. Pastor Jobi, how do I heal from infidelity or sexual immorality in our marriage? Where do we start? Again, first of all, I would say, I'm so sorry. I mean, this is a part of what Paul means when he says, when we sin, we sin outside our body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body, that it really does ding the soul. And Jesus said it was such a big deal that if you could not continue, then he could understand why.

But that always must be the absolute last resort and not the first response. the first response is exactly what you were saying. No matter how bad we've been hurt or the relationship has been broken, the way that we love is because he first loved us. And ultimately, we have been unfaithful to God and look how he loved us. I mean, in fact, there's this whole book in the Bible in the Old Testament where God calls the prophet Hosea to marry Gomer. First of all, not the best name.

If you're looking for a daughter name, maybe don't go with Gomer. And she's a prostitute. And then he marries her. brings her home, makes her his wife, and then she does what she's only known to do, and she abandons him and goes back to her life of prostitution. And God's call in his life, again, man, he's like a preacher. He has my job. He's a prophet in the Old Testament. And she is on the auction block, and he comes back and pays the full price to buy her back into his family, not as a slave, but buy her into his family as his wife. It is a picture of the gospel.

and so the place to start in healing is not focus so much on what your spouse has done to you but be really focused on what it means for you to be a husband or what it means for you to be a wife and again that you submit to one another not because they're submittable to because none of us are none of us are worthy to be submitted to but that we would submit to one another out of reverence for Christ and you've got to I could introduce you to dozens of 1122ers where there was unfaithfulness in their marriage, and today they had very, very strong Christ-centered marriages. So I'm just, I promise you, if the tomb is empty, anything is possible.

If God can breathe life into his dead son, then he can breathe life back into your fractured marriage. And he, listen, Jesus was a carpenter. Before we went to the ministry, that's what he did. He put things together. And at the cross, that's still what he does. He takes broken things, and he puts them back together. And so there is hope for you, don't ever give up hope.

So good. Dan, any other wisdom you could offer here for our couples who are feeling maybe hopeless and where they can start? Yeah. So like Pastor Jobi, I just want to, my heart goes out to you. I've been through that before. I'm a child of a parent or parents that went through that. And I understand the devastation that that wreaks on people. So I want to just encourage you in this that be reminded that,

your identity is in Christ and what he did for you and who he is. It's not in any transgression. You may have committed any sin you committed against somebody else or a sin that they may have committed against you. And just be encouraged and reminded that Jesus loves us and forgives us infinitely. Pour into that, lean into that,

and he will strengthen you and give you what you need to forgive and move on and to move on to restoration. So hang in there. We love you. We're here for you. and it will be worth it. And I would say to the person who is being forgiven, if you're going to reconcile, the person being forgiven.

1, Corinthians 13 says love is patient. And because of your sin against your spouse, you have created a deep, deep wound. And the wound took one, as soon as they found out, the wound was there. And healing takes a long time. And there may be scars, but no problem, man. Jesus is into scars when he returned from the grave. He was identified by his scars.

Scars are no problem. Open wounds are a problem, but you need to give your spouse space and time to heal at their own pace and not be quoting verses about forgiveness and all that stuff. You should give them space and time, and you should love them like Christ love the church, or you should still submit to them as unto the Lord, depending on whether you're the husband or the wife. Yeah, it's good. Okay, this is our last question. We got several questions regarding sexual assault and trauma. And we know that can feel like a lot of shame

and like sexual immorality was inflicted on you even though you didn't commit something. And we also know statistically speaking, one in five women experience some sort of sexual abuse or trauma in their life. So, Kristen, we're going to start with you. What words of encouragement can you give to anyone tuning in who's experienced sexual trauma of any sort?

Yeah. First, I'm sorry that you had to experience that. And unfortunately, I too am one of those one in five women that have experienced some type of sexual trauma. And so I know what it feels like to carry that shame, to question who you are, to carry those scars, to be confused, and want to look in the mirror

and what you see back is not what God sees you. And I would say, don't be condemned by that because it's not who you are, right? It's not, that wasn't right what happened to you. You didn't deserve that. What you are is the daughter of a king, right? He loves you, right?

And so I would say that wean into him hard, hard lean into him hard and know that he loves you what you are telling yourself because I've been there what you're telling yourself that you're not

what you're telling yourself that you're incapable of because this happened to you those are all lies that's just the devil speaking that to you so I would encourage you to lean into him and if that's still happening to you tell someone tell someone we have resources at the church

reach out to someone and pray like crazy because that takes time. You know, I still carry wounds, right? It's still a healing process. But praise God that he continues to do his redemptive work to remind me of whose I am. Pastor Job, anything you can add? I'm so sorry.

I mean, what God has given us as a gift, sex and sexuality that has just been trampled on by the enemy. And I would say this, you're not dirty. You're not. If you're in Christ, you are washed clean, and only Jesus gets to tell you who you are. You're not damaged goods. Nothing is wrong with you.

And I would also challenge you. Bad behavior today is not excused because of anything that happened to you in the past. It's not going to make it better. It's not. It's only going to exacerbate the situation. And to the men listening, I would tell you,

oftentimes we are complicit to the environments that make these kinds of things happening. If you're looking at pornography, then you are participating in the abuse of women. You are. That is somebody's daughter. It is not make-believe. Those things are really happening on camera. Most often those people are drug and they are stolen. I mean, it is not okay.

And so oftentimes we entertain ourselves with the very things that we condemn when we hear about it in other people's lives. it is not okay. And if you were raising a little girl, I'm telling you, you better plant the anchor of the gospel in her heart so deep that she knows she is fearfully and wonderfully made, that his works were wonderful, that she would know that full well. And you better honor mama. Because listen, man, this is how, the way young men learn to honor women

is the way you honor your wife. And so at my house, look, I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I sure do hope and pray that I paint a picture of what it looks like to honor Gretchen so that when that boy I'm raising, that when he's with any other girl, the only thing that he knows to do is to honor them because they are all, just like you said, man, they're a child of the king. So good. And I would encourage anyone at home, don't do this alone. Like Kristen said, if you're struggling, we'd love to walk alongside you as a church. You can go to COE22.com slash care and fill out that form and someone will reach out to you. We're out of time for today. Thank you.

so much for the openness and the realness. I know it's just giving people so much encouragement and hope at home. Any final words you can speak just on how our people can pursue purity? At some place, because the word that Jesus uses that we translate sexual immorality is the word pornao. It's just a junk drawer. It might mean thought life. It might mean activity.

There's all kind of things it means. It means anything outside of God's ideal. And so ultimately, we have all failed and fall short of the goal. of God when it comes to God's best for us in regards to sex and sexuality. So we're all in this thing together, man. We're all in this thing together. We are all sinners in need of a Savior. And so the enemy will try to lie to you. He will try to get you to focus on the things in your past, and he will speak his native tongue, which is lies and condemnation. Condemnation is a building term. It means unfit for use. But in 1st Corinthians 6, Jesus looks at that same

building your body and he goes no no no I'm not slapping a condemned sticker on it I'm going to move the holy spirit of God into what the enemy said was condemned and I'm going to call that my temple that you are not your own you are bought at a price you're a temple your body's a temple therefore glorify God with your bodies and don't forget in addition to the sermons and relate the journal is a great place for all things song of Solomon this week on purity it has four quick on pursuing purity and an action step that has our list of sexual integrity resources if you want to dive deeper into anything we've talked about here today. Like I said, we're out of time, but we'll be back next week with Pastor Joby, Gretchen,

and friends to talk the vow. Maybe we'll even reenact your wedding or something in your fuzzy road. We'll see you next time, friends. Have a great week.