The Church of Eleven22 - [BONUS] Relate: a conversation about your love life - Episode 06: The Vow

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

1122 family welcome to love week on relate that's right it was not only valentine's weekend but pastor joby preached on the vow and that wedding day that went oh so perfectly i'm sure today we are going to dive deeper into what it means to live in a covenant relationship versus a contract and we're going to hear how pastor jobi and gretchen do that in their daily lives as always you can catch up on all things song of solomon and relate by going to c oe two two dot com slash song of solomon Today we're here with Pastor Joby and Gretchen and our special guests and friends, Chad and Mallory Neesmith. What's that? Now, Chad and Mallory are from Jessup, Georgia, which I'm sure I'm saying that wrong. Can you tell me how you say it? Justup. Jessup. You've got to kind of get in there with it.

It's Jesus with a P. Yeah. Oh, Jesus with a P. There you go. Well, since you did come so far, we actually have a small gift in light of Valentine's Day. A small gift for you. Chad, you can wear this whenever you like the classic heart head fan. You can pass that down. I know you want that.

but you're not going to be. We are talking about a movie next week. Yeah, save that for that. It even matches my shirt. Yes, yes. And then we have the most disgusting chalky Valentine's Day candies where you guys can create love messages. You also have to pass this down.

You don't get to do that. We're so excited. So we know your incredible disciples. You're doing a work up in Jessup with some disciple groups up there. And 1122 is just on the move, right? Yeah, we, it's Ridley growing, and we have a great. group of friends up there who watch online. We have something to come with this regularly down to watch the sermons and it's just amazing what God is doing up there. So cool. So because it is Love

Week and why not, we're going to play couple versus couple newlywed game and the theme is going to be wedding since we're also talking the vow. So in front of you, each of you have, each couple has a piece of paper and a marker you can designate who's going to be the writer as both wives just naturally picked up the marker. I'm going to ask three questions. and then you as a couple will answer it based on the other couple's wedding. So you will be answering based on how you think Chad and Mallory's wedding one. Are we good with the Margarie? I could get it open.

I was just listening to Hercules. You were Hercules. Yeah, either. Any next week. Okay, so you'll answer on behalf of the other couple. So here are the three questions, and we'll give you some time to write it down. Number, you need me to explain it again? Yeah, we were. I was impressed with my wife.

I'm going to ask a question about a wedding. You're going to answer what you think Chad and Mallory. wedding was like with the question. And they're going to answer on behalf of you. Got it. Okay? All right. Question number one, what was their first dance song?

Number two, what kind of food did they have at the reception? And number three, what kind of wedding venue did they get married at? So barn, courthouse, field, okay? We'll give you a minute. While they're answering these questions, check out this short clip from Pastor Joey's sermon on the vow this weekend. If you're having a problem in your marriage, very few people have marriage problems. Marriage problems are things like, uh, he doesn't.

doesn't know which way to do to toilet paper. Okay, beards are good, mullets are bad. You understand? Like you lay it over the top and over the back. Boom, I just solve your marriage problem. All right? But ultimately, if you got a problem in your marriage, what you really have is a gospel problem. You see, because, and I know what some people will say, yeah, but you don't understand. What if I get mistreated? Okay. Well, ultimately, what a marriage is this. Remember, we've talked about this several times. In Ephesians chapter 5, verse 21, Paul says, husbands and wives submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. So how did Christ love us? Did he wait until we did our end of the bargain? And then he swooped in and did his end of the bargain no way. But God demonstrates his

love for us and this that while we were yet still sinners, Christ died for us. And when we understand that truth of the gospel, then we know how to love our spouse in a covenantal way, just the way that God has loved us. That's how we're supposed to love. So here's the point. Here's the point. Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. A contract says, if you, then I. And again, if you're in that kind of relationship, it's a constant tug of war and you always feel like you're negotiating. All right, well, you can spend that money, but I get to go do this. Okay, but if you get to go do that, then I get, and you're like, well, this is weird, man, this is weird. This is like two hostile nations trying to figure out how to live peaceably with one

another. That is not God's ideal for a marriage. A covenant is no matter what I do. No matter what I do. All right, we're back and we gave them some time to answer their three questions and answers have all been locked in. So I will ask the couple what they're going to answer the question and then you'll lift up your paper and show what you what you answered. So number one, what was their first dance song? So China Mallory, what was your first dance song? We didn't have one. Oh, didn't have one. Okay, what'd you guys put? The boot scooting buggy. That feels right.

If we would have had one, that would have been in. For sure. That's one point for us. Okay, that is one point for us. Okay, Joby and Gretchen, what was your first dance song? We didn't have one either. What? She was sick.

Oh, yeah. You guys, in your wedding days. All right, well, what did you guys put? Faithfully by Journey. Oh. Yeah, that's so good. Wow. Okay, so neither have you had a first dance song.

Okay, number two, Chattamaui, what kind of food did you have at your reception? Italian. Oh, really? Curveball. So sophisticated. We went with fried chicken. Also, it feels right. What kind of Italian, just like pasta and stuff?

Where was it at? I don't know. It's like a... I don't know. It was kind of a fried chicken. It was like chicken marsala where they frat it, portion of them out. Still fried. Still fried.

Chad's an excellent cook. I try. I try. Real fancy. All right. Okay, Joe and Gretchen, what was your food at your reception? We had the little wedding wieners. That, and then we cut regular sandwiches into triangles and put a toothpick in it and make them fancy. And Gretchen doesn't remember because she was sick. I wasn't there even.

I wasn't a youth pastor. We got married at the church I worked at, and then we had our reception in the gymnatorium. Excuse me. You're ruining the next question. Oh, good. What did you guys make for the food? I put triangle peanut butter in jellies. because he talked about the sermon.

That is correct. It was probably, I'll listen to the sermon. It was probably mince or cheese. All right, okay. Salad. Number three. China Mallet, what kind of wedding venue did you get married on?

We actually got married at the Lottner Museum in St. Augustine. Oh. What did you put? A barn. Their wedding was way classier than one. I don't know how you got there, but

okay, Joe being got married. Where did you guys get married? by the way. Jim notorious. At the church. We got married in the church. The church family life center. Church.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, yeah. So we pretty much want. All right, so pretty much. So, theme 33 and seems like you should do another wedding so you can have a first dance. We do. Okay.

All right. We're warmed up. Let's get into it. Pastor Joey, we hear you tell your story of your something of a wedding day. Terrible. But Gretchen, we need to hear it from you. What was it like being sick all day? Like, what was your wedding day like?

Well, it started the night before. So I was, I woke up in the middle of night sick, like actively sick, if you know what I mean. Actively sick. I don't know what it was. It could have been food poisoning. It could have been like a 24-hour bug. I called my parents who live like an hour away from me. And I said, I'm sick.

And my dad's like, oh, you're just nervous. I was like, oh, this is more the nerves. Trust me, I cannot get out of the bathroom. It's that bad. So I called Joby, or actually no, I showed up. I showed up. Just showed up. He was in the house we just bought, and he was just on a mattress amongst boxes because we moved in.

I was still in my apartment. I drive there, and I was like, I'm sick. And he kind of was brushing me off until I went to the bathroom, and he heard that I was sick. And I was like, I don't know what I'm going to do. Next morning, my mom shows up because she realizes there's something wrong. it's a Saturday, and the little town we're in, there's nothing open on Saturday. Like, I would have had to go to the ER, waited hours. So this doctor in our church saw me, he said, you can either be asleep going down the aisle

or throwing up going down the aisle, which do you prefer? And I said, I will take my chances on sleep. So I got a shot of Finnegan and didn't even make it home before, being out. He took me. Like so much for seeing each other before the wedding, right? So he took me to the doctor, brought me home, put me in the bed. At this point, it's probably, I think our wedding was supposed to be at like 1.30. It was like 9 o'clock at this point. I'm sleeping. My mom's like, you have to wake up. You're supposed to be there already. And so I get in the shower. I pass out in the shower with shampoo and my hair. My mom. Do you remember this? Like, were you like lucid or you're like asleep? No, I was with it. I was with it. My mom drags me back to the bed. And then he finally gets me and brings me to the church with dried, like shampoo had dried in my hair. That's interesting.

Not dry shampoo. I mean, shampoo had dried in my hair. And so this lady meets me to do my hair, and they all feel so sorry for me, and blah, blah, and they're, like, pumping me with Coca-Cola to get me to wake up. And meanwhile, our wedding time had passed, and they, they, They had made the announcement, hey, Gretchen's here. She's sick. She's been sick all night, but she's here.

In order to do this, they said, we're going to go to the gym notarium and have our reception first. So they went and ate. That's why I don't even know what we had for our reception. Come back, and because I was so weak, my mom and my dad both walked me down the aisle because I refused to go down the aisle in a wheelchair. I refuse. And then we did it super fast. We eliminated any song.

The vowels, I didn't even repeat. They just said them. And I said, yep, we're doing this. Yep, sounds good. Check, please. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And at one point, I mean, when I'm laying in bed and Jobi is there beside me, like, what am I going to do? I was like, we are getting married. Right. One way or another. Even if they have to come here and marry us right here, we are getting married today. So good. Yeah. Okay.

Okay, Chiana Mallory, how many years have you guys been married? 10 in November. Okay. And tell us what was your wedding day. Was it all sunshine, rainbows, perfect day? So to give you a little back story, when we met, we met on April 2nd. He proposed July 1st, and we got married in November. You know, you know.

So it was super fast. So he still obviously didn't know each other very well. Our families didn't know each other well. The night before our wedding was the first time he actually met my brother. and so he kind of hazed him all night long before the wedding. Oh, goodness. So my first memory of our wedding is I finally meet him, and I look at his eyes, and I'm like, he didn't sleep at all last night.

It was like smoke coming out of my ears. So neither one of us, like, I guess living in small towns, you just kind of assume all southern, good southern people love Jesus, and neither one of us know. what that looked like to actively pursue him. So therefore, the wedding was just like, this is what we were do, like, we're crazy about each other, blah, blah, blah. And, like, we hired somebody to marry us.

So we didn't do, like, the pre-marriage counseling or anything. Never met this man in my life before. I have no idea what his name is or anything. And so looking back, everything was very backwards for us. Absolutely. This is a weird time of my life. I mean, I knew that I wanted to marry Mallory and that, you know, she was wonderful. I didn't know exactly how that was.

That was how this road was started and it was awesome, you know, and we got married and it was real quick. And I'd already been married one time. She was my second wife. So, you know, we wanted to do it in a fashion, it wasn't as big and it wasn't, you know, just all that flashy, so that's why we got married out of town, and just a few people came. Nice. Okay. All right, let's get into some questions. So, Pastor Jobi, how do you trust that what you promise and say on your wedding day is going to last through all the changes and seasons of you and your spouse? Yeah, I don't know what the questioner means by is going to last. Like, it sounds like an over-romanticized

view of marriage as a contract, where he's not. you're talking about some kind of feeling or emotion. And so the way the question is asked versus what the word vow means are so opposite one another. What you're saying when you make a vow is I promise, not a contractual agreement, if you do your part, then I'll do my part. So if you change, then I might change. But you are vowing till death do is part. I mean, in the vows that I read, part of the things that I ask the couple to vow to is that I'll always. laugh with you, grow with you, cry with you, do whatever it takes to continue to be your husband.

And so I think the underlying idea behind the question is a big problem when you begin to think, what if this changes in a few decades? Everything is going to change in a few decades. That's why you make a promise or a vow before God saying, no matter what the circumstances are, I promise, I'm with you till death do us part. That's good. Grouchon, anything you can add to that? No, basically, exactly what he said.

I mean, marriage was God's idea, just like sex was God's idea. So if you're not going into it thinking this is forever, then why get married? It's a God's design, and God's design is forever, one man, one woman, one lifetime. And if you really have to start that and you're dating, you have to start that thought process before. You can't be like, eh, if it doesn't work. out, it's just like a contract, you know. Right. If you go into a marriage thinking that, it's over.

It's already over. Right. Mallory and Chad, how do you guys personally focus on your marriage being a covenant versus a contract or how have you in your 10-plus years of being married? Well, one of the ways that I do that with her is she's a very special person. And I look to try to just let her be herself and try not to change her because I'm, You just can't do that. Only God can change people.

I can't change her. And I love her just the way she is. She's got great qualities that most people don't have. She's very outgoing. She's beautiful, of course. And it just makes it easy to focus on her because she is so perfect in my eyes. Ow. Most question.

Mallet, how do you guys personally focus on your marriage being a covenant versus contract? Or how have you? I'd love for you to share. some of your story. I know you guys have walked through some hard stuff. Yeah. So initially, like I said, neither one of us knew the Lord like we are trying to do now, if that makes sense. In the beginning, it was just like you get married and you stay married. My parents have been married forever, his parents have been married forever. And so that was kind of the goal for me, even though it had nothing to do with God at the time.

now reflecting back on like the past several years since we found the Lord in church and like God is the center of everything. It allows me to see him or help him be the man that God created him to be. And so just coming to church and leaning in and even knowing the language covenant versus contract, I've never heard that before in my life. And so yeah, it still comes out, you know, like take out the trash or do this. And then we busts. that laughing and it's like, is this a covenant or a contract? And then we giggle and then move on. So just even knowing that language and what it actually means and in our marriage

just allows us to have a firmer foundation in covenant versus contract. It's good. After we started coming to 1122, we renewed our, you know, faith in Jesus. We put him as the Lord of our lives and it really started following. them it made it so much easier for us just to love each other for for who each other is and just try to follow out those vows and understand that you know we're going to make mistakes there's going to be things that happens that we're going to love each other no matter what so chad mallory i know that or i assume in your wedding vows you probably vowed for better

or for worse and you've been through the better and worse and part of that's what let you hear right Could you share a little bit about that part of your marriage and how you ended up here at 1122? Yeah. Several years ago, shortly after we got married, I had a back injury and I went to the doctor and he gave me a big old pile of pain pills. So make a long story short, I ended up getting addicted to them and needed some help. We wanted to go to a Christian-based... facility. They had one here in Jacksonville. And through that, I started really finding the Lord

again. And one of the things that they did was they took you to church. They drove by tons of churches to bring us to 1122, and that's how I found the foot. And so, Mallory, what were you going through then? Turmoil, like literally hell on earth. You know, we just had a daughter, and so I had her. and from his previous marriage there's two children. And so seeing what they went through with bouncing back and forth between mom and dad and, you know, all of that stuff, that was the last thing I ever wanted for her. And while he was away, it really allowed me to focus on myself and what I wanted for my life. And if that included him or not, I wasn't really sure the time apart was the best thing that could have ever happened to us,

because for a long time, we didn't even get to talk or communicate. Like, he was doing his thing, I was doing my thing. He didn't know if I was at home. I didn't know if he checked out. Like, we just didn't know. And, you know, I just prayed the most dangerous prayer I've ever prayed in my life. And don't know if I'd really recommend people to do it, but I basically was like, if you're real, like, reveal yourself to me.

And in that moment, like, the weight of, the Lord and Jesus and the whole story just stamped me guilty. And for the first time ever, I was able to look at him on an even playing field instead of what I had demoted him to be because his issue was so big

and hyper-focused that he was the problem all along. And then through that moment, I was like, you know, I'm just as wretched as he is. And I didn't even have that terminology till coming to 1122

and discovering a relationship. Like, none of this made sense at the time. Like, I didn't know what it meant. I just meant that I was an awful person and Jesus was real. And so I needed to focus on that. So I really didn't focus on our marriage. I didn't focus on him.

And I didn't pick him. Like, I picked Jesus. Like, that moment in my bedroom. and I just chose him and he, you know, redeemed it all through lots of time and therapy and counseling and lots of lots of work. You know, it wasn't easy and it still creeps up and whispers and all of those things. But, yeah, it was really hard, but worth it. It's amazing because you really had the choice to choose contract or covenant. He didn't uphold his end for better or for worse.

and you could have said, well, then I'm out. And instead you chose, I'm going to trust this Jesus, who I feel is real and commit myself. And now you guys are some of the most dangerous family to the kingdom. And the work you're doing. I mean, it's just, it's amazing to see how the Lord has just redeemed all of that. So what about for you guys? In your daily walk, how do you pick covenant over contract?

Contract has never been in my vocabulary from the beginning. I kind of same thing. I came from a family. I mean, there was no divorce in my family and everyone stayed married, whether they were happy or not, forever and ever. That wasn't my goal either, but, you know, the first five years of our marriage

was not amazing. Like, we really had some hard conversations and said some hard things to each other and questioned why in the world did we do this? And, you know, it really was for five years, but I knew, I'm in it, it never even crossed my mind that it wasn't going to work out. It was just, how are we going to make this work for the rest of our lives? And so that's, I mean, that's a covenant.

Like, you're, you figure it out, you know, and you stay together. Covenant is together. So that, you know. That's good. Anything you want to add? Yeah, man, I'm the worst. I mean, I am. I think we all walk towards the altar thinking covenant,

and we walk down the aisle immediately thinking contractual. Because what contractual thinking is, that you begin to think about yourself and what you are or not getting. I mean, if you look at, and I don't want to, I want everybody to send in their questions and be honest, the majority of the questions that we get revealed that most of us are thinking about me and not us.

I mean, we haven't gotten one question that says, how can I serve my husband because he's so amazing? Or I marry the best girl on earth, and I want to be able to prove it. to or even better. How can you help me there? Almost every question we get. And when we get into it, when we fight, it always comes down to this.

I'm not getting what I want. And the moment I even think that in my head, I am not getting what I want. And it's not supposed to be two eyes. It's supposed to be the two of us became one. And I just need those reminders. And then you can share your, your wants and hopes and dreams and like this is kind of what I was hoping for in our marriage

with your spouse I mean you love somebody and they share you know their hopes and dreams and wants then you want to serve them by making those things come true that's very different than heaping expectations and ought to's on your spouse and I drift there mentally all the time because we're selfish so I have to take those thoughts captive remind myself of the calling to be a husband. Nowhere in it, in the Bible, does it talk about like what the husband receives? It talks about the husband serves. There's two very different ways of thinking about it. It's really good. Expectations versus desires, you know. Correct. Like expectations never gets you anywhere. Yeah. Okay, so Chad and Mallory, we'll have you

answer this first. For those of our couples listening who are engaged and planning the day of their dreams. What could you offer them as they're preparing for marriage over the wedding? What is something that they could focus on, or maybe you wish you could have focused on as you prepared to get married? Well, it certainly would have been easier if we'd have had God at the forefront of everything, which we didn't at the time. One of the things that I would do is make sure that when you're getting ready for the marriage,

you focus on any issues that might be already arises because you know what they are whether they you can see that contract about relationship coming up because people you know will start asking you to do stuff and if you're not comfortable with it then you know you probably need to address that before you get married because like I said earlier you're not going to be able to change somebody once you get married once you say I do they just don't start doing exactly what you want them to do quite the opposite actually I mean I mean I I would focus on if there's any issues that need to be addressed, I would go ahead and get them out in the open

because they're going to come to light sooner or later. So, you know, before you get married, before you've got to get all that out on the table and just put it before God and see what happens. Yeah, I would definitely say God at the center, for sure. I would evaluate who the people are in their lives and their influence that they have, such as friends or family or whatever.

And then I would listen to act like men together. And I would get out a sheet of paper and make tick marks of does he check off all these things? And if not, then reevaluate it. Because that series, we're working there, we're getting there. And that series totally, totally changed our lives. And it's amazing. Because a lot of men don't know how to act like men,

based off of how they're raised or whatever the circumstances. And the way Pastor Jobi lays it out in that series is truly what the core heart of every woman desires. Jobe and Gretchen, anything you could offer to our engaged couples? I think if you focus too much on the wedding day and getting married and not focus on the end goal, then you're missing something there. You know, I think the question said,

planning the wedding and all of that, take it from us. It won't go the way you want it to. It might be little things. It might be little things. It might be big things. But focusing more on the relationship that's going to last forever

versus the act of getting married and the whole pomp and circumstance around it is huge. And then seriously, what you said, a lot of times you start to see those little things that don't quite come out, but they're there, and you really need to address that before you even make that covenant. For sure. Okay, so our last question, Pastor Jobi, we ask some version of this almost every week, but where can people start, whether it's the couple that's been married for 30 years,

an engaged couple, or any singles, where can they start in hearing, the couple who's hearing this and saying we have found ourselves in a contract, but we want to start living in a covenant. Where can you start? So the problem is, is our world says, I think I need a new spouse. But the good news of the gospel is, is that you can have a brand new marriage with the spouse that you made a vow to love till death do you apart. So it doesn't matter how you start. Like our good friends over here, it matters how you finish. And so, I mean, kind of the bedrock of what it means to be a Jesus follower is that you. you stop, you change direction, and you begin to follow him. You quit going the way you were going,

and you start going his way. That's called repentance. And so if you are living your marriage as a contract, then I would say stop, confess, repent, change direction. If you need to, renew your vows so you know what you're doing this time, and then act like it. And then just with the help of the Spirit of God in you, then begin to not just believe these things about marriage, but behave as if you're going to love your spouse like Jesus loves you. So good. Well, thank you, Chana Mallory, so much for coming all the way down to Jacksonville today to spend some time with us and sharing your story. It's been such a joy to hear from you. And I know everyone at home has valued it as well. Thank you to all of you at home tuning in and being part of Relate each week. Our prayer is that your marriage would be

a reflection of Christ's love for us where you can confidently say no matter what I do. Join us next week as we dive deeper into the honeymoon and how sex is a great gift from God. Don't miss it. Have a great week, church.