The Church of Eleven22 - [BONUS] Relate: a conversation about your love life - Episode 07: The Honeymoon

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

Welcome back 1122. It is honeymoon week here on Relate. Today we are talking about what God says about the gift of sex and marriage and how you may be able to spice up that sex life that has grown a little cold. All the husbands just got very excited. But before we jump in, check out this clip from Pastor Jobb's sermon this weekend on the honeymoon. And listen, man, I get it. We're wired differently. And I know I'm going to speak in generalizations, but generalizations are generally true. That's why they're generalizations. I don't know if you know that. And yeah, we're wired different, man. God's generalizing. Generally speaking, God's wired is different. All right? Maybe you've heard this before. This is true. Most of the time, this is true. Men are microwaves and women are crockpots.

That's just how it is, man. You know how long it takes up a heat up a microwave? In six seconds, anatomically, a man can be ready to go. All right? Don't matter what you're doing. You're going to be doing your taxes and your wife's like, you want to? Be like, yep, I'll pay the fine. What are we doing?

Let's go. It don't matter, man. It don't matter. It's just true. Women are, you know, women are crockpots. All right? Do they heat up? For sure, but there's a lot of ingredients and then you just got away. Is it ready? No? Okay, all right. Ready now? No? All right. Takes a minute. So here's the point. The key to great sex is being a great servant of your spouse. It's not about taking. It's not about getting some. It is about giving of yourself. I love being compared to a crockpot. What a metaphor for us.

You're welcome. Today we have some dear friends, Sean and Katie Wilson, with us. You may be wondering why them? And I'm glad you asked. Sean and Katie met on spring break together. She saw him sipping a pinia colada, shirtless, sweaty on a cruise. They fell in love, saved themselves for marriage, and just had their third baby a couple months ago.

So they're doing something, right? Well done. Did I miss anything or that about covers it? That pretty much sums. I was not only shirtless, I was wearing a speedo. And I think what did she, I was smoking a cigar and reading. a book on Warren Buffett, so she thought, I just checked every box. She said, this guy one day is going to get his act together.

I was also by myself on the Lido deck, which I'm sure really boated well for me. I feel like we could end now and just, you know. All right, so it is honeymoon week, and we are going to dive into some fun questions, but before we get into the spicy stuff, I want to hear about your honeymoons. So, Sean and Katie, where did you go on your honeymoon and what did you do other than each other? Oh, wow. It's Halloween week. I have some sex puns here.

All right, where'd you go? What did you go? What did you do? Mexico. We went to Cancun. Did an all-inclusive resort. Yeah, and drank a lot, sat on a beach, did other stuff. ate a lot. We went to Plyadele Carmen as well.

We drove to Pliadal Carmen, and Sean learned that he can't drive Mexican six-ship cars. I really felt at the time and still do that I could drive just about anything. I learned there that the stick shifts and manual transmissions are a little bit different in some foreign countries. We found ourselves out one night, and I couldn't put it in reverse. Katie was in a slinky little number with some high heels on and could not. I don't know how to drive a stick. And so we're stuck there, and I said, baby, I don't know any other way to tell you. You're going to need to push the car back while I put it in neutral.

And I've got one foot out like this trying to Fred Flynn's done it back, just a hair. and she's out there. While we're out, we've been married for like 36 hours or something. Days later, I realized it was a really simple trick. There was like two little hooks. Pull it up and... This car isn't working. I don't know if it was more humbling for her or myself. Oh, it wasn't humbling for me. Right. I'm sure.

So, lesson learned. That's awesome. Wow. Joey and Gretchen, where did you guys go on your honeymoon? Jamaica. Started our many Jamaica adventures. Yeah, we stayed an all-inclusive. It was the first time we'd ever stayed all-inclusive.

We were like, oh, my gosh, we can eat 12 times a day if we want. This was amazing. And you were just sick, right? So you were coming off, you were ready and had a big appetite. Yes, we actually postponed our honeymoon a week because we were afraid he was going to get it. So we postponed it. So it was a week after we got married, and it all was well.

And of course, out of all people you guys met Pastor Wayne, and now we take trips to Jamaica every year, which came out of your honeymoon. You're like the only couple I know who's basically started a ministry. out of your... That's when we met him. Which feels right for you. Well, Gretchen used to be terrified of flying,

and she would have to, like, medicate to get on the plane. But then the anxiety and the medication would attack, and anxiety would win, so she would white-knuckle it the whole way. And then the moment we would land, she was relaxed and just... It was like our wedding day,

and she was almost unconscious. And I'm, like, kind of carrying her through the airport. I don't remember. She didn't remember the bus ride to the resort, or any of that. But when we get to the resort, I was like, baby, it's not nice. the hotel, I mean, between the airport and here, we should do something about it.

And that's how the mission trips started. He's like, I can't believe you're not nervous on the bus ride because that's way worse than flying. I have never feared life like I have on a Jamaican bus trip. Yes, up in those mountains. Oh my gosh. All right, okay. Sean and Katie, from your personal experience, so you saved yourselves for marriage with each other. Why was it worth it to pursue purity until marriage?

I genuinely, I feel like I've always remembered, I became a believer early in life, and I believe that was a call on my life. But at the same time, I honestly did not think it was attainable. I remember all these like pledges, these like abstinence pledges. To my knowledge, I never signed one of them. Even like as a young guy, I thought, I didn't seem like that's going to work out very well. And I like, even then I remember, like, I don't want to like commit to something. And then, you know, we've all met people who, you know, put the promise ring on and then take it off and all, you know, that kind of thing. who signed these things, and I felt like that was putting a level of pressure.

But I also thought that it was like, it's real easy in a moment to just say, okay, I'm going to do this thing. And I don't know that that really works for anybody. What I found, well, I shouldn't speak to other people. What I found for myself is that just like any sin in our life, we've got to die to ourselves every day and wake up and do that. And I also just think that it was by the grace of God that gave me the strength when necessary and then other time just gave me the provision,

and we were talking about this the other night, that just I feel like in so many cases in my life, it was just evident that God was at work in those times. Because I feel like, you know, the difference between abstaining from that and having purity is, you know, is a real different thing. But for whatever reason, he did kind of walk me through that and always gave me the strength and provision.

Yeah, I think that God really desires holy purity. and I think that our reality of purity is a lot of what Jobb talks about in our sermons is that we're fleeing from sin instead of flirting with it. And for me, it was wanted to be a good girl, right? Wanted to have that performance. I wanted to be able to say, check, did that. And I didn't really desire God's purity the way I think he really outlined it. So I think that it's a really beautiful thing to do.

and I think that it affects our marriage in a really great way to not bring in anything else into the bedroom. But the biblical standpoint of it was not really presented to me. It was just like a, don't do it. That was all the conversation was. It's shocking you made it with the Speedo in mind. It was a true stumbling box.

I think I owned these boots at the time too. And if you can't get lucky in these boots, you just hang it up, my friend. Okay, so the number one question we got, Pastor Joby, this is for you, and you address this in the sermon a bit, but within the context of marriage, what is allowed in the bedroom? Well, yeah, it's a great question. Again, it comes back to the idea of how do you see sex. The sex is not gross, which honestly, some of the early church fathers thought it was, you know, thought it was a result of the fall. and so they kind of treated it that way.

That kind of thought made it all the way into like English thought and puritanical thought, you know. And so some people think it's gross, and then we live in a culture that treats it like a God and spends way more time thinking and talking about technique than intimacy. But the question for married people, for sure, the things that are out of bounds is sexual immorality,

which for sure includes other people or pictures of people or videos of people, any of that kind of thing. But fundamentally, you know, Paul says in 1st Corinthians 6, he's quoting some kind of the popular ethos of the day and says, all things are lawful for me. And then he follows up with,

but not all things are beneficial. So the key question is, is it beneficial to your spouse? They used to never do anything that's degrading. And ultimately, what you've got to do, we've been talking about this, the whole time. You just got to flip the way you look at your marriage upside down. Instead of saying, what do I get to do? The fundamental question is, how can I serve? So couples that have a good

sex life, I'll talk about it. I'll talk about what's okay, what's not okay. And ultimately, you're not coming into that conversation saying, can I do this? It's more like, how can I serve you? And those are two fundamentally different ways to think about it. And if there's anything that makes your spouse, if it's not beneficial, if it makes them feel degraded, anything like that, then I would remove that from the playbook. I mean, that's really helpful to many people at home. And I mean, many people who send to that question have been married for many years. And I feel like they've never gotten any biblical guidance on what, I know what we're not supposed to do, but, you know, what are we allowed to do?

But I would also want to say, but there's nothing wrong. There's no Bible verse that says you can't, like, put a pole in your room and get a leather mask with a zipper mouth and swing from the chandeliers and dress up like cops and robbers or whatever, man. I mean, do your thing and some cowboy boots. Like, for real. And there's usually typically, I mean, you know, this is a little bit of an overgeneralization, but there's typically one person that's a little more adventurous than the other person. Adventurous. Right? I'm just choosing my words wisely, okay? But there typically is, right? And, but we're supposed to submit to one another. out of reverence for Christ.

So the less adventurous person be great to sort of push the bounds a little bit, loosen up a little bit, you know? The key is to talk about it. And I mean, to really talk about it. Like a football coach

would talk about a football game afterwards. You know, they would review film. That's a good play. That play is not a good play. Now, I'm not saying that you should film it and put it on the screen and be like, you know. What we have here,

that's not what I'm talking about. about, but I am talking about it is a good idea for your spouse to say, that was a great play. We should run that play a lot, and that play should never be in the playbook anymore. That's not awesome. That's good. Okay, so Gretchen, I'd love to hear from you on this. For couples who maybe had good intentions to pursue purity before marriage, but ended up breaking those boundaries and slipping into temptation, but now they're married, what advice could you

give for them to get rid of maybe feelings of condemnation and moving forward in intimacy with their spouse? Well, I think you have to first forgive yourself because you know that the Lord is forgiven you and that your slate is wiped clean. But I also believe it takes time and it takes a lot of communication with your spouse because whatever it is, whether the married couple had sex before or multiple partners before. Whatever it is, communication is key because you're either both feeling that guilt or whatever or one person is and the other person needs to build that person up because you knew that going into it.

So there is no condemnation in Jesus. So just make sure there's none from you either. That's good. You know? Yeah, it's really good. Pastor, Dobe, anything you could add to that? I'd echo what G said. You need to confess and repent.

And gross things grow in the dark. And so if you've stumbled, you confess those things, you repent together. And husband, you should take the lead. And then just know that when the whispers of condemnation start creeping up, that is not the language of the father. That's not the language he speaks. The language he speaks is, it is finished. And just like Gretchen said, if Jesus forgave you at the cross,

then who do you think you are to hold a higher standard than Christ's death and resurrection. So you need to just receive that forgiveness and practice sharing the gospel with one another. It's really good. And then also the Bible says love keeps no record of wrongs. So once it's confessed and repented of, then there's no reason to like bring that back up

and invite those ghosts back into your marriage. Amen. But I think that goes for all of us. We all have things that we need to, in that arena. I mean, it's not just this actor, this actor, you know, we've all got things that we need to confess and repent of and talk through. And, you know, even for those of us that, you know, I feel like we got invited to this thing because we kind of checked this box. But that doesn't mean that we don't have like, because we didn't have sex before marriage that we didn't have things to work through and confess to one another. So I really, I was just thinking about, you know, those without sin cast a first stone.

And we've all got some work. in the dating and, you know, courtship process in that arena. For sure. Okay, so we know men and women are different. Pastor Joby describes us as crockpots versus microwaves, but it's the emotional versus physical. The list goes on and on, and it's a good thing. But so Sean and Katie, in your own marriage,

how do you cultivate intimacy, which is like the church way to say it? But what we're really asking is how do you maintain a spicy, healthy sex life? Oh, me? I think I had to stop coming up with a mental checklist of things he needed to do so that I'd want to do him. You know what I mean? Like, well, the trash shirt didn't get taken out, did it? Well, that's not happening. It's really easy to blame the household for what's going on in the bedroom.

And that's not the place of the bedroom. It's for us to get together. and I cannot do my job well as a mother if I'm not reconnecting with my husband. And I know he can't be sent out into this world doing ministry or work in any area without me being at home and being a rock for him. So I just had to maintain being open and communicating and talking and being really honest when I've had three children on top of me all day and then you want to also be on top of me.

Pray for her for a minute. I'm climbing all over and kind of. So sometimes, you know, Mama needs a minute and a glass of wine and then I'm with you. But more is more. I really do believe that. I think even when you don't feel like it, sometimes the reward of that intimacy,

which is the goal and the point, and it's not just a physical act that you're getting what you want. And yes and amen, it feels good, but it doesn't, that's not the point. So, spice, it's real spicy. I don't know about the spicy part, but I would say, do the dishes. 50% of the time, it works every time.

It helps. It does help. We invited this guy. I think it was me. How many give us you? I think that's the second snort so far. It's so good. We've got a snort count going.

Okay, so a bit of a follow-up question. Pastor Joby, we got this. How can I get my wife to have more? sex with me. Words direct to it. It's a great question. So you should ask her. Answer carefully.

Yeah, but you should ask, I mean, seriously, it's a great thing to talk about. It is, first of all, it is a really great thing that this husband loves his wife and it's into his wife. There's a bunch of husbands that aren't. They don't treat their wives that way. And so one of the things that I would say to the wife is, first and foremost, like, be careful what you complain about, right? You have a husband that desires you.

really positive thing. I mentioned it, I think, weeks ago. That couple should probably read a book like The Five Love Languages, because the goal is not to have more sex. The goal is intimacy, and the more you build intimacy than sex is the follow-through and not the main event. And so

that still needs to be the way you approach it. Gretchen said something to me years ago that helped me a ton. She said, I want to feel like you got turned on because you were pursuing me. You're not pursuing me because you got turned on. And that was, because, man, in my house, I mean, because, you know, you think about it, right? You've been told all these years, like, no, you can't have sex, can't have sex.

And then one day you get married and you're like, all right, green light. And then you're sitting in your house and you hear the shower come on. You're like, somebody's naked. Is that how old men's greens works? That's how mine works. And I'm old, man, I'm 47 years old. I still feel like. I tell her all the time, I was like, if you'd have told me when I was 17, I would be married to this.

And yeah, I hear the shower come on and I'll just go wondering in, be like, hey, how you doing? Okay, so. The plan my showers care. I thought that room for one more? The idea. So I, but that conversation helped us a lot. So it's really good. So the dishes thing, if your wife is an acts-and-service kind of girl, then you need to start that pursuit by taking out the trash and filling up the car with gas.

or if she's a quality time kind of girl, then, and again, it's not so that you can have sex later. Intimacy is more than just what happens in the bedroom. As guys, we need to be on our game all the time, not just when we want something. And another follow-up, Gretchen, this is from then a wife. What do I do if I don't want to in that moment, not ever just at that time?

Not never, just, yeah, not just at that time. Just right now, I guess how do I, what if I don't want to do it in that moment? How do I say no, but not forever? Well, I mean, I always go back to communication because there's a way to say no, and then there's a way to say no. There's a way to say no to where your husband can get it and understand, and then there's a way to say no that's just going to dig you guys into a further ditch. I think that I learned that about halfway into our marriage,

and we communicated. And I said, look, when you come pursue me at this time, it's terrible. And then I feel so bad that I, you know, turning you down and you don't understand why. But here are the reasons. So wives have to be really diligent about saying, these are not good times for me. And I promise there are legitimate, not good times, husbands, for wives to have sex. And it's just how it is. And so for a wife to communicate that to a husband, it really helps because I think he is more in tune to her physical, emotional self.

And he, you know, he will, he'll get it eventually, you know. And it's because a guy can, a guy, there is no bad time for a guy, right? Like a microwave. Right. But also you have to communicate about. if you don't want to do it, not just in that moment, but if most of the time you don't want to do it, you need to talk about, husbands just imagine

if you were not satisfied every single time you had sex. And that happens a lot with women, and would you want to have sex or keep having sex if you weren't getting what you want out of it? That's why you have to communicate completely. And what about if you don't feel like it? when we went through pre-marriage counseling, I remember our counselor saying something along the lines of,

if you waited for both of you to want it every time, it would rarely happen. So what, Pastor Eby, can you speak to that? If you're not feeling it, is it still an active service that you should engage in? Yeah, I do. You know, in the sermon, I did go over 1 Corinthians chapter 7 that talks about husbands, your body's not your own,

it belongs to your wife, which I don't know why that verse is in there. But I guess there's some guys that way. I'm not, I don't know. But there are times where, yeah, man, you're thinking about your spouse and not yourself, but that doesn't mean like he or she owns you. So you are your own person.

And a part of what Gretchen's saying is right on. There's a big difference between no and not now. It's a big difference. And as much as we all joke about how physical guys are and all of that, it is so much more than just a physical for us. It really is. And it takes some serious vulnerability.

to pursue your wife. I know you don't think it does because you're married, but it does. It takes some vulnerability to reach your hand out there and you get it slapped a couple times and then next thing you know,

it's T-Rex arms and you're not fully going for it. And then eventually some guys are like, I'm not going to go, I'm not, it's not worth of rejection anymore. So for sure, there are times when, you know, one of the spouses is just being a good husband,

being a good wife, like the Bible says in First Corinthians. but if that is primarily, if that primarily describes your sex life, something is wrong, like really wrong. Just like Romans, the book of Romans, is God's standard for righteousness. The song of Solomon is God's standard for marriage.

And anything outside of that is abnormal. And you should seek help. And a part of what Gretchen is talking about, we talk about this. How do Christians, how do they find out how to have good sex if they're not? I mean, because most of what the world offers is pretty outside the lines.

You know what I mean? So this is why I think community matters like crazy. It would be really great if you were in community with some other married people and you had a problem that you could talk specifically and vulnerably about your sex life. It's really good. Okay, so last question. Everyone's going to answer this. We're going to start down there with you, Katie.

Everyone's going to give your top tip for a great healthy sex life. life. And we're starting with me. And you're up. Can you repeat the question? Can you give us your top tip for a healthy, great sex life? Now I'm sweating. So you know how when you're getting

married, and typically if your girlfriends are really fun, they throw you a lingerie shower? Can we just say that about 10 years into the marriage, you should get another lingerie shower? I really feel like what was in style 10 years ago is not

working for me anymore. Dress for the job you want. But I really think that that mentally puts you in a place you know, I'm not wearing that when I'm feeding my kids, right? So when you go and change, it really does shift

your mind and I think that, you know, look good, feel, good, play good, right? Love that. My man. Woman. Not a man. I, um, I, um, I think have fun together. When you're laughing,

when we are genuinely laughing throughout the week or throughout the day, things just go better. And then, you know, it all just ties together. When that is true, you know, that, that to me, that is not intimacy in the only form of intimacy, but it is, I think, at our marriage and I think many others, yeah,

it is a great indicator of how we're doing if we're genuinely just having fun together and laughing, I think we are going to probably have more sex, it's probably going to be better. And then honestly, when we have that level of intimacy, everything is just better. And we've got three little kids. We've got three kids under the age of six,

and things are certainly different today than they were 10 years ago. But it's great. And I think there's got to be a level of like adulthood. You know, as a man, you've just kind of got to understand where you are, and then you've got to be more intentional

with some things. But also, if you're not having a level of intimacy kind of outside the bedroom, I think it's just going to be hard to then try to make up for that there. It's a big part of it for sure, but if we're not, like,

if we're not connecting that way, and I think, again, one of the ways I know that we're connecting well is when we're just laughing and having fun together. That's awesome. And that goes to what you were saying about pursuing

and then sex is kind of the follow-through of that. Correct. Okay, what about for you? Talk. Not just during sex, though, that's good, too. But, I mean, you've got to communicate, right? Just talk about, like, what's good, what's not that good?

Like Gretchen was saying earlier, if the wife is being pursued at times that are inconvenient and the husband, I know, talk about that. And then the other thing is, man, you're not in a hurry. The point is not the finish line. It's not. If the point is intimacy, then, then don't be in a hurry.

I mean, really. Sometimes it can, especially for married people to have been married a long time, you just get in these routines, and it can almost become transactional, you know? And you should just hang out for a while. You should just be there for a while. There's no need to be in a rush.

And then that's a great time to talk about your relationship, too. That's good. Everyone said everything. I think it starts outside the bedroom, and if it's not good outside the bedroom, it'll not be good in the bedroom. But you do need to talk to each other,

about, I think specifically about sex and what the other one likes and doesn't like, and what works and doesn't work. Because a lot of times he might be thinking, oh, I'm killing it. This is awesome. And she's gone, not really doing it for me, but she's afraid to tell him. You know, and you shouldn't be afraid to talk about it. Yeah. And say, okay, this is what works.

This is what doesn't work. I like this, don't like this. and it has to start outside of that room. That's great. Well, thank you guys so much for being here this week. This was easily one of my favorite weeks so far. And to all of you at home, so in closing, we actually have a small gift for you.

Here at the Church of 1122, we are a movement for all people to discover and deepen a relationship with Jesus Christ. And a part of that deepening is supporting a healthy sex life. And so the crew of Relate, here's Robbie, give it up for Robbie. We got you some chocolate, just to say thank you and we support your marriages and your families and we'll end this show quick so uh anyway thank you all at home um join us next week and we will have a professional marriage and family counselor

rebecca maxwell here with us to talk about healthy conflict and how to fight ironic that it's coming that week after the honeymoon week um you don't want to miss it we'll see you next week church