The Church of Eleven22 - [BONUS] Relate: a conversation about your love life - Episode 09: Maturing in Love

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

1122 family welcome back to relate we are in week eight of song of solomon talking about maturing in love last week we talked all about how to fight and we had a professional family and marriage counselor rebecca maxwell here and she gave some incredibly helpful and practical advice on how you and your spouse can fight in the most honoring way if you missed it i highly encourage you to go back and view it all right back to this week maturing in love we have some very special guests with us today rusty and Amy Pritchett. Rusty serves as an elder over our church, and together they make a dynamic duo as a marriage. I'm so excited to get to hear from them today. Before we dive in, we like to break the ice a bit with a little warm-up question. So in front of you, you have a piece of paper and a marker.

You are going to answer this question secretly without your spouse, seeing what you write, and you can't deliberate with one another, okay? So here's the question. What is your favorite memory you have with your spouse? What is your favorite memory you have with your spouse? And while we give them a moment to think, check out this short clip from Pastor Joby's sermon on maturing in love this week. So here's the point. Your love can grow old,

or you can grow old together in love. It's your call. It's your call. You see, again, your marriage, our marriages are a picture of God's covenant love for us, that God continuously loves us, that God, at great expense to himself, does whatever it takes to rescue us

and redeem us and chase us down and pursue us. And that's how we're supposed to love one another. All right, we're back. And while we were away watching the clip, our lovely guests, we're writing down what their favorite memory they have with their spouse is. So we will start down at this end. Elder Rusty, what did you write as your favorite memory with your spouse?

I just picked one. There's a lot, all of them I couldn't really talk about here. So it was lunch after our first date. when I so I both grew up in Gainesville but we had met the night before at the honky talk for the first time so I invited to lunch the next day

No yeah but it wasn't called the honky talk it was a bar where the band I worked for played so I invited lunch next day we just met there it was first time and so I said why don't you come by my house and

and have lunch with me and so I waited and I waited and conveniently when she knocked on the door, I had just gotten out of the shower and only had a towel. So convenient. Soaking wet. And you can't blame the guy for trying. She's just like, go get dressed.

I mean, I had muscles with me a day. It's true. But I really, but it says a lot about her because it didn't work. That was a good memory. That's awesome. Okay, Amy, what did you put?

Okay, so I put being at Lake Alice in Gainesville also when we first met and just sitting and talking talking for hours and really just talking around the lake, Alice. But we really got to know each other and became friends. And it was the foundation of our relationship, I think. So good.

That's cool. Love that. All right, you two. Passed, Joby. What did you put? I put none of your business. My favorite memories of Gretchen. Okay.

I know things about her. And you put exo, XO, X. Isn't that how you do it? Just to cap it off. Yeah, man, I talked about it. And the sermon, right? Like, as you're, you know, there's things about her that only I know. And they're the best memories.

Okay. Would you put the same thing? No. No way. Trip to Asheville. Oh, yeah. Well, they kind of go together. I was going to ask you about Asheville, but maybe we should just be about it.

That was great. I think we're going back this year, too, aren't we? Yes, we are. All right, we're going to dive in. Why are you blushing? I'm brushing. I'm a little uncomfortable. I have to sit so close to you.

Okay. All right. Rusty and Amy. We're talking about maturing in love, right? Have you been in any seasons of life where you found maybe your love growing stale? And what did you do to get out of that season? So we kind of talked about that.

Stale isn't the word that comes to mind when we're talking about our relationship. We've had good times and we've had some pretty crappy times. But I wouldn't say stale. There were times where we had to be more. intentional than others to keep our friendship and our marriage in a good strong place but I don't feel like we ever got stale for me it's more like a kind of a simmering volcano it was never I mean I got burned I got stale on the work I

got burned out I got stressed out by finances I got but you know we between the two of us it was never that way we just you know it was a If anybody gets credit for us being here today, it's just him and her. It's not me. Absolutely. She put up with some stuff there that I would just internalize stuff, you know, and it was crazy how far apart we were.

She was just like, don't let the sun go down your anger. But like you talked about last week, about stabbing somebody with the sword, I will be very careful that I didn't say anything that could hurt you. You say, I hate you, that sticks with you. So I wanted to wait 30 days and just process it. She was not good to sleep on it, and I was waiting 30 days. So three weeks would go by, and she'd say something. I'd say, well, you remember three weeks ago when you did this?

And then last week you did this, and she's just like, so it was never stale. That was not stale. It was just us dealing with stuff, you know. Yeah, that's good. Okay, so Jobian and Gretchen, how do you guys make sure now that your love doesn't grow old? Go ahead, babe. You go to Asheville. Yeah.

Do a lot of Asheville. Trips. No, I think, honestly, watching the two of you and how you treat each other is huge for, you know, a couple that, I mean, we've been married 21 years, but even couples that are, have been married a lot less. You got to look up to people like that, you know, and realize that the way that they treat each other is the way that's going to keep your love from growing stale or old or. go to a bad place. Yeah, man. We've known you guys since 2003 when you had how was their kids youth pastor.

And their oldest one was being terrible. To you. To me. That's how we first met. But like Gratchett said, was that like 18 years ago? We've been looking up to you guys since that time.

I mean, honestly, the way you doed over your wife, I mean, for real, man. And then in addition to that, you know, when we planned to the church and I asked Rusty to be an elder and he said yes. And one of the things that happens like with the elders to me, they ask a whole lot of questions about what kind of husband I'm being at home. And so it just kind of helps it be in the forefront, you know. And then a bunch of our elders model that too. But I don't know.

We've never gotten to a stale place. There's times where we can just like, like you see the real good or really good. real bad. There's not a lot of middle. You know what I mean? But, I mean, we'll fight with the best of them. But there's not like a lot of just, like, no, there's none of that. All right. So we got this question in, it says, my husband and I just had our son in May of 2019, so about two years old. And while there were expected challenges that come with being new parents, like not sleeping for the first year, he's getting older and we have some time

to step back and breathe for a minute. We are struggling with lack of intimacy, emotionally and physically and prioritizing our marriage over other relationships like our son, our immediate family or friends. Any practical tips or suggestions you can give to reconnect and how to approach this type of conversation? So we'll start down there with the Pritchitz. Anything you got for this couple? I think one of the things that's worked for us is we've got this vacation rhythm that we do,

that even when our kids were younger, we would do a family vacation with them. And then she would have a girl's weekends. It wasn't a matter of keeping records, but I might have a golf weekend. She'd have girls. Just a little golf weekend. But then we would have that Pentecostal, me and her kind of, we'd say, maybe we can. But that, if we didn't take that time for us, if it was just kids, everything around the kids.

So to that person, now while they're young, go ahead, establish that rhythm. And it is. the guy needs to have some time on, the girl needs to have some time on her own, and with the family, and then together. I think it's important to be intentional. Like, sometimes schedules get so busy, and people get so busy, and you find other things all of a sudden are just taking up all your space. And, you know, if you have a two-year-old, you're tired all the time anyway.

So you just be intentional about making a date night. And even, I mean, when we used to have a date night in the beginning, when the boys were were little, we couldn't afford a babysitter and a date night. So it was like, give the babysitter, pack the cooler, we'll go to the beach, and I'm not going home until the kids are asleep. Yeah, so I think you can do as you can do. And just make something where it's just the two of you. So where you're talking and you have a chance to just be together and reconnect, because it's a lot as a new parent and starting businesses and all of that. Remember the time we were, we got caught parking behind the food line?

They couldn't believe we were married, but we're like, she's my wife, but we couldn't afford to go out. So we were just... Oh, my gosh. That's amazing. I'm not allowed to open your mouth again. No, it's great. I love it. Anything you guys could offer to this couple?

That's it, man. You've got to schedule your priorities, not prioritize your schedule. You got to just put them on the calendar. Yeah, for sure, you've got to do some, like, vacations without the kids. One of the best things you can do for your kids is to... show them the world does not revolve around them, look them in the face. I'm like, we are going somewhere awesome and you are not coming with us. Peace.

That's 15 years of student ministry speaking because what you want for your kids as they grow up up more than anything else is for them to feel secure and nothing will make them feel more secure than mama and daddy loving each other. And it matters like crazy. And the other thing, too, if you play it right, you can enjoy the busyness of your kids' lives together. Like when JP was doing travel baseball and stuff, we would take, we would, we would, you know, do that stuff together. It wasn't like an either or thing.

You know, we might stay an extra day and do something together. And we're riding all over town now going to all kind of gymnastics and weightlifting and all that stuff. But, you know, even if it's just getting the car and we ride together, you just need to find those kinds of times where you can make it work. Yeah, you got to get creative. For sure. Okay, so knowing how long both of the kids. you have been married. So we have 21 years. You just celebrated an anniversary, right? 21 years. And what? 68.

34 for her, 34 for me. So 68. Okay, so 30. 34. Okay, so knowing how long you've been married, if you could go back and write yourself a note on how to continuously cultivate your marriage, what would it be? And we'll start down there with you, Rusty. I would write a note to my younger self to listen more to her. You know, At the time, she really is wise counsel. I didn't know it at the time. I value her independence more today than I even cared to listen to at the time. But I think the last thing I really wanted,

somebody that just did everything I wanted to do and couldn't make a decision without me, she was independent almost to, it was a good thing. I didn't recognize it as much that time. But I would tell myself, I'd say, hey, man, pay attention to your wife. I used to say she's right again, dang it. But she is, so I wouldn't keep things from her. I kept some very stressful, internal, financial things inside of me

that I thought I was protecting her. I didn't want her to have to worry about it. But when this pastor preached about some of you people selling your houses and some of you people quitting your jobs, and that came up and we wanted to make sure our house wasn't an idol, well, that's when it all came out. And it was a tough time. And so I would tell my younger self,

don't keep those things for the reason I kept them. What about you, Pastor Joby? Don't be so selfish. I mean, I would just evaluate, especially early on, it was just how is this affecting me, you know? And, I mean, I wish I would have told myself, why don't you just do one little thing every day to serve her? Like whether it's just wash the dishes

or just one thing, every day to serve her. Instead of coming home, looking to be served, why don't you come home and just look to serve? And just one small thing every day. It makes a difference over time, right? Right. Okay, what about the wives? What's something you would tell your younger self? Mine would be similar to what Jaby said, selfish. Like, I would be taking care of the kids and the family,

and it was like all these different hats of, am I at work, am I at home as a mom? Am I a wife? Do I get to get dinner on the table? Like I felt like I had to do everything and everything had to be perfect. And I was doing it all my way. And it wasn't always what my family needed. Okay. What about for you? Definitely, this one's a no-brainer for me because when I was younger, I was very careless with my words toward Joby.

And I think that I would go back and, completely change that because he is a words of affirmation guy. And I would just get so frustrated because he can argue the pain off the walls. I would just give up and just start saying mean things. And it really affected him and he finally came out and told me that, you know, however many years later. And we did the five love languages and I realized, oh my gosh, he's words of affirmation. And I've been doing the complete opposite of that. So, it's good. Totally would change that.

That's good. Okay, so what are the things in this world, and there is a wide array, but what are some things that can get in the way of intimacy with your spouse as you grow older? Like, what are the things in the world trying to take your attention away from intimacy with your spouse? And Gretchen, we'll start with you on this one. Well, speaking from a female point of view, I think what the world says that you have to look like and be like and act like is probably a really hard one for a lot of women, especially after

they've had babies and things change and things get bigger and things get lower. And honestly, I think that you have to realize that your husband loves you just as much now as that wedding night. and none of that matters what the world says that you have to be and how you have to measure up, that doesn't matter. That you cannot let that affect your intimacy with your husband. That's good. Anything you want to have?

I talked about it this weekend, but I think men tend to lose creativity as it get older, and they just, you know, when you were younger, you would pursue and do the cooler and get a blanket and go to the beach. You do stuff. Now you just come on and sit on the couch, and then when you want to make out, you just sort of like ring the bell, you know. You're just like, can we? No.

And then we got to keep that creativity alive. And then I think women, as they get older, they lose spontaneity, you know? Like when you're all young and fun, you know, you can be all flirty, whatever, out. And then you get old and married, you're like, what are you doing? This is the kitchen. That's not where that happens. You know what I mean? And you get all, like, just inflexible.

Inflexible. And so you just got to like, I mean with your attitude, you just got to, like, stay creative and stay spontaneous. Anything you guys could have? Business gets in the way. And then when you're done being busy, you're tired. So, again, intentional. Be intentional and make time for each other. And one of the things that I love with us is he always makes me feel special.

I mean, we've been married 34 years. randomly I still get flowers for no reason. Or he surprises me with taking me out of town for the weekend. Or picks a place and we're going out. I mean, like, he's really romantic. And I like that, especially after 34 years. Yeah, for sure. And I think that that's intention.

He knows that it makes me feel good and he does it. And you were a Florida football player, right? Yes, sir. And yet somehow you're in L. here. I'm not sure how I slip on. But we call that the Holy Land. Yeah, it's something. But yeah, if like a big old tough football player type guy can do it, then surely we all got it in us, right? You know. She said, I just how I wrote it up for you. I just, I think the thing that gets in the way of intimacy is me and my selfishness basically,

but when I'm the old, am I trying to please man or am I? my soldier for Christ because, you know, there's people will tell you, the world will tell you, well, man, you work hard, you should do this, so what if you play that much golf or so what? But I can be distracted even when I'm around her. We are doing, we have set aside Sunday afternoon evenings as our time together, our Sabbath time. And we rarely schedule anything else that time. We've done that for a long time. and just and it'll just be the two of us whether we're just I just I really like hanging out with her

you know that's the thing it's like it's never it was never stale it was just it's um I guess like a lot of people it sounds like we were both in relationships when we met you know and we became friends first and we've never lost that to me we don't ever go out to dinner and just sit there like what are we going to talk about there's always something to talk about it you know yeah did you believe what he said tonight at church always something okay So we're going to have everyone answer this one too because I just love all of you answering all these. What is something that your spouse does

that stirs your affections for them? So something like, it's not different than the warm-up question. Like a small thing, like she makes me coffee every morning. He holds my hand when we're walking down on the street. What is something that your spouse does that stirs your affections for them? Gertz new more sir? Yeah, okay.

Honestly, just the way that he treats the kids. and the good dad that you are to the kids. And to me too, but when I watch you with the kids with Reagan, and she will, I mean, she's going to be 12, and she'll crawl up in his lap as if she were two, and he lets her. And she pets him on the face, and he loves it. And just the way that he treats Reagan

and the way that he treats J.P. He's so intentional about every sport that he does, everything that he's involved in. And just, he loves the children so much that it just makes, just makes me so happy. And, you know. It's awesome. I was getting a little emotional there. You know, some people cry. I'm not a cry. I'm not a crying. You're crying.

You're crying. Uh-huh. Nah, man. Did you see Gretchen touching my knee just as you were asking that question? It's just a little stuff like that. It's not, that's not in a sexual way, but just when she just kind of, kind of like reaches out. She kind of does it almost like unconsciously or I don't know or subconsciously right. And so she just like reaches out and just kind of to make sure I'm there, that. And then when she gives me compliments, like if she tells me the sermon was good or something like that, that's what. That's why you teared up when she's saying how much when you love the kids. Correct. That's how much he loves the kids. That's awesome. I know.

It's amazing. Yeah. Listen, I, I've, I've been in meetings where we, we, have to stop because Pastor Lee has to go watch JP run track or whatever it is. And we're all like, this is awesome. I love that we work at a place that values that and that you do that. It's a great example for many of us. For sure. Okay, what about for you guys? Do you want me to read the question? It's an easy one for me because I've got 31 of them here on my phone. I mean, literally, I can read them all. I could pick a number. She's the most non-judgmental person I know. That just stirs me. Her generosity.

She likes to savile with me. I already said that. Not materialistic. Her inner beauty. Her outer beauty. Her skin. Her love for the Lord. The way she values family.

I mean, I could just go on and on. I just came from a sermon, as you know. Waking up with her next to her every day. She's a great cook. She loves to dance. She likes to go on bike rides. Her honesty, her independent nature. I talked about that earlier.

Her work ethic, her adventurous spirit. She's securing her own identity. Doesn't waste energy comparing herself to others. She never complains. She's an incurred. She offers wide counsel. I've said all those things. I've just stirred a lot.

We argue sometimes about who is the most blessed man on the planet. I think it's me because I've had more years. He thinks of him. So there's a lot. I love that. Well, that's hard to be. It is a little hard. So, gosh, there's so much.

Like, I love the attention that he gives me. I love when he looks at me with those blue eyes, and it's like he's looking right through me. And he likes his blue eyes. But the way that he cares for other people, he cares for me, and he always makes sure that I have everything I need, and especially lately, with the things that we've been going through.

Like, he's been the most amazing person to have by my side, my husband. And he loves me. Like, there's no doubt in my mind, he loves me because he just treated me so tenderly when we went through some surgeries and different things that we had to go through in the past couple months. And that just stirred me. But he just, he cares for other people, and he cares for our family.

And even though our boys are grown and they're both married and have children or have one on the way, the time that he spends with them, and he continues to porn to them. They look up to their dad, and I just think he's been an amazing role model, and I'm so blessed for that, because my dad wasn't always there.

So to have that kind of father for our children means a lot. We really, both of us came from divorced families, and we kind of early in our marriage said, let's break that cycle. We've worked on. Yeah, and I would say I'd like to encourage everybody watching. Gretchen mentioned this right at the beginning,

but we've been looking up to this couple for almost 20 years, right? And this is what we want to be like. And, you know, I think we're on our way, but this isn't a recent endeavor that they've been influencing us for a long time. And what I would say to everybody watching is you should find some couples like this in our church

and there's a bunch, literally hundreds of people that have been married at least a decade longer than you have. And this is why disciple group matters so much. It's one of the reasons we do intergenerational disciple groups. There are some people, and here's the thing. You find some great couple. They don't think they're great.

They think they're just struggling through life like everybody else. But you should just go and say, can we spend time with you? Can we take y'all dinner? Can we come walk your dogs or do something to get in your life, babysit your kids, whatever it is, just so you can try to get some. some of it on you.

And it's really, really, really important for your marriage. Thank you. Thank you. Well, you guys, I feel like I could sit here and listen to what you love about each other forever because, and I feel like a great homework for all of us married would be to have that conversation. Look your spouse in the eye and tell them what stirs your affections that they do. I just feel like I'm getting all choked up over here and my husband's not even at the table

right now. So thank you so much, Elder Rusty and Amy. Thank you, really. Thanks for having us. such an example of what we all want. And so thank you for being here. Pastor Jobi and Gretchen, any final words you'd have for those that want to grow old and love. Don't give up.

Amen. Don't give up because it gets hard. It's not always easy. I mean, we make it sound like rainbows and butterflies all the time, and it's not. And you need to know that it's not always easy, and you're going to fall down and you're going to make mistakes, and you're going to hurt your spouse in some way. because we're human. We make mistakes.

But you just don't give up on each other. And you let it draw you closer to your spouse and not further away. That's good. Yeah, and our love is not supposed to grow old. Again, the Bible says that God is love and God doesn't grow old or stale. That we grow deeper and deeper and deeper in our relationship with him, and that should be reflected in our love for one another. That's right.

That's good. Well, thank you so much for all of you tuning in. I hope you feel challenged, encouraged, and hopeful for all the years ahead in your marriage. Join us next week as we dive even deeper into the idea of Till Death Do Us Part. We'll see you soon.