The Church of Eleven22 - [BONUS] Relate: a conversation about your love life - Episode 10: Til Death Do Us Part

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

Hey 1122. Welcome back to relate. This weekend, Pastor Joby laid out what it looks like for faithfulness and fidelity to be the foundation of your marriage. Last week, we got to hear from Elder Rusty and his wife Amy on growing old in love. And today we have another one of our incredible elders, Glenn and his wife Joy. Glenn and Joy have that marriage that it's what feels like we're all going for. They're sold out for Jesus. Their kids love them and the Lord. And they clearly love one another. So no pressure, but we're glad you're here today. Okay. All right, so we're going to get started. Today's Icebreaker, so everyone will answer, when your spouse is not there, so maybe they're out of town, or wherever they are, what is something you realize that they help you with that you take for granted?

So when your spouse is not there, maybe they're out of town, what is something you realize that they help you with that you normally take for granted? Glenn, we're going to start down there with you. Okay. There's not a whole lot of time that Joy's out of the house and I'm around. So usually these are the times where I'm thinking,

I'm gonna get all kinds of things done. I'm gonna redo the backyard, I'm gonna clean the attic. And then I realize that there's all these things that happen because she's around and now I have to take care of. Just little routine things during the day, whether it's feeding the dogs or taking out the trash, but I guess I do anyways.

It just seems like the day just goes on and on, all of a sudden it's kind of over with. So it gives me an appreciation for how much stuff she just does during the day that makes things happen. It's good. Okay, Joy, how about you? Well, I saw that question and I thought, do you, is the travel nine months of a deployment? Right, there you go. Or is it a nine-day trip? Because those needs are very different.

That is true. You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. So for me, I kind of went both ways. On the nine-day trip, the things I miss about Glenn is that, you know, even when our kids were little, he was my friend and we would communicate it. night and just kind of we've always had a lot of fun together. And then when he was deployed, which he did several of those nine months stints away from the family, those, those were darker times that, you know, what I missed, not to go too crazy deep, was just a relationship with my husband.

He was gone. And it wasn't in a time where it's 2021 where people can communicate. So those were some long periods of silence. For sure. Okay, what about you, too? When Gretchen's gone, which is rare, I have zero plans to accomplish anything. And that's pretty much what I accomplished. But what I miss is just she does all the cleaning, and apparently I'm a slob.

I feel like I just sat there, and then the whole house is a wreck. And I'm like, how does this? I was just sitting here watching TV all day, and I'm a mess. So. Because you have two little tornadoes. going around you.

That's true. Okay, what about for you, Gretchen? Every time you go out of town, something breaks. Right, of course. For sure. The last time was the garage door broke. Oh, no. It's either that or the AC or...

Hot water heater lasted the time for that. Hot water heater. Big things. And it's usually two days after he leaves, and you're just like, why? Why is it always... Or a snake is always in our backyard. I had to call our neighbor, I think, over last summer, four times to kill a snake in our backyard.

Oh, my gosh. He was gone every single time. So, yeah, I appreciate the fact that he fixes things and he's on it when they do break. When he is home. That's because the snakes flee when I'm there. Right, right, right. The servant crusher is in the house. Yeah, yeah, okay.

All right, so Joy, Glenn, we know how awesome you are. You're an elder over our church, and you have been plugged in with our church for many years. But was there ever a time in your marriage where it was not going awesome? And if so, why did you choose to stay committed to one another? I'll speak to that. We were in San Diego, and I was on a pretty hard duty where I was gone a lot. And we just weren't, our lives weren't terribly synced up. I mean, she's home with three kids, five, three, and a baby.

and I'm gone most of the time, either actually gone for days on end or just gone during the workday. And I can just remember, it was kind of funny because we laugh about it, I'm getting ready in the morning, and I actually say to her, I go, I feel like right now you don't really even like me. She goes, yeah, I love you, but I don't really like you. I could see you. I had to think through that, but it kind of led itself to a conversation.

We're like, okay, we're going to get through this season, and we did. And, you know, kind of, it was a little bit of, we need to make sure we're being a little more intentional, perhaps, with how we're spending the time we did have together together. Because we were kind of just living parallel lives in the time that we felt like. For sure. For sure. Anything you went out? No, I would just say that that was a time that we were living in the same house, but we're, you know, kind of co-located, is what I would call it. but we were not in a good, solid relationship with each other,

or Jesus at that point. And so I would say that we suffered the consequence of that taking a side step. And so, yeah, it was not a great time. And so how did you come back from that? What would you do to get back to your? Well, I'm a child of divorce, so I believe you're either going to have a homicide, like you said Sunday, or we're going to stay. married. And that, you know, everybody comes at this differently. Glenn came, you know, his family,

his parents were married until they both died. And so in his mind, he didn't even know what divorce was. But for me, I, when I went into this marriage, I thought I will never do that no matter what it takes. And so people respond to divorces of parents in different ways. But for me, that was like, we're going to figure this out. It might be high. It might be low. But we are not, I'm not repeating that cycle. Yeah. I think we're probably mature enough, too, to know that we're not in a great place right now, but it's a season, and we're just going to do our best to, you know, stay as connected

as we can to press on. And it wasn't too much longer, and that season ended, and we were able to spend a little more time together. Yeah. It does help if you're in the same house for a little bit. Yeah, right. All right. So a lot of the questions today, we're covering the whole gamut of scenarios, much of which

you discussed in your sermon. So the first one has to do with being a widow. So we got this question. It says, I'm 70 years young. I love that. I'm 70 years young, unexpected widow of 15 months. My husband and I were married 34 years, and I miss him so very much, especially during this series. My grief counselor said, I'm at a good place in my life, and I owe that to surrendering my life to Jesus,

and faithfully listening daily to old sermons. I pray every day asking God to guide me on what to do next with my life. We were supposed to grow old together. So Pastor Joe, we will start with you. What do you do when death actually parts you? You cry a lot. I mean, it's really, that's so sad, you know? Like when I read that, it's just that my heart just goes out for the person that sent that in.

And God gave us emotions to navigate life. And so there's nothing wrong with being sad. I know it's not fun, but Ecclesiastes 3 has a whole list of different emotions that God gives us. And I think there are no bad emotions, and you should feel the feels when it's appropriate. And so when you feel like crying, you should cry so that when it's time to rejoice and thank God for the blessing of 34 years of somebody that you love and miss, that's a really good thing to give God praise for. And then the Bible says that God has a special place in his heart for the widow. So just know that that the Spirit of God will comfort you. And then also Paul, he's talking about it really on the front end.

about being single, but he does say that when you get married, you divide your potential in half. And as a married person, you can't do nearly as much for the kingdom of God as you can as a single. So maybe one of the things that you should pray through is to figure out maybe God has something in store for you in the church or in the kingdom that you didn't have time for when you were married. It's really good. Joy, anything you could add to that? Encourage this woman who's kind of looking at her second season of life wondering what to do. You know, I read that and of course I cried, I'm a crier, but that's how it is. But no, first I want to say to whoever that was, I'm sorry. I mean, that is, that's heavy.

And that I agree with exactly, and my thoughts were exactly what Pastor Jobi just said, is that it's time to dig in and see what the Lord has and surround yourself with people that are going to encourage you in that way. I mean, be, get in the herd, so to speak. Don't, you know, the enemy will trick you. He'll say, oh, well, now I don't have a husband. I can't go to dinner with my friends that are still married or whatever. He'll, he wants to isolate us. That's like step one.

So I would just encourage her to not get isolated and get with some good ladies that can encourage her. Yes, that's so good. Pastor Joe, we will have you answer this. This question is not about joining our lives together. It's about God's law versus man's law. Is it possible to marry with a biblical ceremony and not have the legal documentation? No. Unless you're braveheart.

Tell us more. Great movie. Great movie. So the fact that the question was asked that man's law is somehow opposed to or versus God's law is the opposite of what Romans Chapter 13 says. And Romans chapter 13 says that God has instituted these laws to enact his will. And the reason I said, Braveheart, unless you were insubes, some sort of tyrannical, governmental situation where you put your spouse at harm if you

legally married, then they got married secretly in the woods for that reason. I think God might be okay with that kind of thing. But man, that is not what we're talking about here in America. What we're talking about is, listen, when you get married, you're becoming one. That means same address, same bank account, same bedroom, same name, and that includes legally getting married. there's always something behind that question man i don't know what it is but there's some some like i want my cake and eat it too thing going on there that people are that that is different than i'm giving all of me to all of you and i'm also receiving from me all of who you are all the benefits all the love and all the baggage and all the debt and all the you don't get alimony

whatever that thing is that people are trying to like get around there's no like we're married in our heart that's not a thing it's We are married in all the ways, and legally is one of those. You look like you have some thoughts. I would love you to share. Yeah, girl. No, I think it's interesting that you said that. I mean, what would be the reason to not get legally married?

You're right. There's something. There's a lot behind that question. For sure. It's definitely an exit plan, I think. I think that's just an exit plan. Easy exit. Okay.

Gretchen, we're going to start with you on this question. this is in regards to infidelity. What do we do when we want to stay married, but because of infidelity, we are finding it very difficult. We have little to no trust, we have built up resentment, and lingering unforgiveness,

how can we move forward? Carefully, slowly. I think it's going to take a lot of time. Infidelity is almost like going, you're almost going through a loss, it seems like, because you're having to start over. with your own spouse almost. So this happens

and you choose to reconcile and it's like you're starting your marriage all over again. The trust, even your whole relationship, trust first. And that takes the longest time. So I think that honestly, it's going to take time, it's going to take counseling

and if you're not in counseling, you need to get in counseling. And you need to listen to each other and you need to forgive whoever wrong to you and you need to seek the Lord first. That's good. And, you know, in the entire thing, if you're not seeking the Lord, it probably won't work out. Yeah. Glenn, any thoughts you could share?

What advice did you have for the husband trying to lead through this in a marriage? Yeah. First of all, that was really, really well said. I agree with that, Gratian. I think for the husband, there's going to have to be a humility that is, that he hasn't offered to his wife before. This action is probably a secondary action to an issue of pride, to an issue of I want, I deserve, I need.

There's a significant betrayal of trust. There's a lot of work to do, but I think it's going to start, and I appreciate in the question that it said, we want to make this marriage work. So if you want to make this marriage work, you are going to have to humble yourself before the Lord. You're going to have to humble yourself before your work.

for your wife and begin to rebuild and try to figure out together how did we get to that place. How did I, the adulter, get to that place? But it's going to, we have to humble yourself. Yeah, that's really good. Okay, our next question is from a woman who had an almost 37-year marriage and is feeling like it's dead. She says, during our younger years, we stuck it together just for the kids and now for the grandkids.

We know marriage is a covenant and all our lives. think we could get out of it, so we stuck it out. However, the real question is, is there an escape clause if it is absolutely 100% mutual? I know we hear from your teaching that if the tomb is empty, anything is possible, but we are two worn out, tired, middle-aged people with feeling like no hope for more than anything of a meh sort of relationship. So sad, man. So these questions are like the worst. Wow, we got the downer week, didn't we? The short answer is, no, there's not an escape cause.

Because what are you trying to escape from? That our love should not grow old and tired. The Bible says that God is love and he doesn't grow old and tired. That our relationship with him is supposed to grow in knowledge and depth of insight. And that's what's supposed to happen in our marriage too. But even if it doesn't, and even if you don't like each other, you're looking through this filter of my covenant is about how this person makes me feel you know, and nowhere in the Bible does the Bible talk about love that way, that you,

this couple should just love each other. And I'm not talking about hearts and candies. I'm talking about be patient and kind. Just do 1st. Corinthians 13, serve one another. And then watch what happens. Maybe you will rebuild a friendship, but regardless, you'll be faithful unto the Lord serving one another until you die. And that's what you do. Now, you could choose to try to stack some logs back up on that fire that at some point was there and maybe the Spirit of God will blow on it and it'll...

I've seen crazier things happen for sure, right? I mean, surely if the couple that sent the previous question can make it, then you two that are just kind of bored and tired and then also remember what Jesus said to you if you're tired? He says, come to me. All who are weary and heavy burden and he would give you rest for your soul.

So it's come to Jesus and then start loving, like, love like as in a verb, loving one another. Joy, anything you can add? Well, I will say we have our 35th wedding anniversary Monday. Nice. Congrats. Thank you. It's awesome. I'll be at the retreat center.

Perfect. Which is awesome, actually. Which, no, and all seriousness, I was thinking about, we have actually a lot of friends that are in that season. and those are kind of questions actually I get more regularly than you'd probably think. And so, you know, for Glenn and I, we looked at this season of life as an opportunity for us to dig in and really serve the Lord. And when you do that and you see your husband doing that, it's a, it gets fun. Like, you get excited because you got the same. thing going on. And I would say if you want to, you know, light the fire a little bit,

no joke, in all seriousness, start serving the Lord and quit serving yourself. And when you do that, you will find new exciting ways. And I also would say on a practical way, you know, just because you've done it that way for 37 years, figure out a new way to do it. I get excited. There's a whole world out there. And people, people and relationships, and this should be an opportunity where you go, hey, guess what, the kids are gone? We can have a date day. We don't have to, there's no carpool. I mean, if you look at it from opportunity rather than, oh my gosh, I've given my whole life to my children, well, bad on you for doing that, I will say, and if you're doing that, stop. That's a whole other sermon.

But I'm not the preacher. Okay, let's preach. You're good. Go for it. is that, though, invest in each other along the way, and that probably won't happen. But at the end of the day, if you're serving self and not Jesus, that is just what's going to happen. Gretchen, can you speak a little to those that are in the midst of the kid season, where it feels like maybe that could be pulling them away, pulling you away from marriage and that temptation to focus all your efforts on your kids? Can you speak to that a little? Yeah, because I don't understand the question that we just had because,

From the beginning, we have always said our marriage comes first. Our marriage comes even before our kids. And I know some people go, oh, that's a terrible thing to say. But if your marriage doesn't come first, your relationship with your kids, it's always going to struggle. And so we have always said, we come first. And our marriage comes first. And you're not going to give up on your kids. You don't want an escape clause from your kids.

right, or your grandchildren. So why would you, why would you want that from your spouse? When you get married, you're married for life, you know, and that's what God ordained, and that's what he wants for us. Yeah, that's really good. So, I mean, I think that from the beginning,

if people are in that time in their life where they have little ones, you've got to take time for your marriage. And if you don't, something that Rebecca, said last two weeks ago or whenever it was something that she said was if you don't deal with the problems now you're going to find yourself 20 30 years from now with a hill of problems that you don't know what to do with and it sounds like that that could be the issue there is just

that they've not ever dealt with it so sure I can deal with it when the kids are little and let the kids see you put your marriage first yeah that's good that's great true Okay, so our closing question on a bit of a lighter note, leaves everyone with some encouragement. Okay, so aside from your relationship with Jesus, no Jesus joking here, what are one or two words that describe the most important thing about your marriage?

So when you're dead and gone, what is one thing you want people to say about your marriage? We'll start down here. That we put each other first. See previous answer. Yeah, I mean that I want people to say, that they saw how much he loved me and that I loved him and that hopefully in turn our family however many grandchildren or whatever that is see the fact that it all started with the love

that we had for each other. That's awesome. How do you talk about? Yeah, I'm a I am addicted to my wife and in all the ways in all the bedroom ways that we've been talking about for the past several weeks, but then also just like, we're really good friends. You know, I think that sums it up more than anything else. I would rather spend time with her than all of y'all. And that's just true. We had a lot of fun together. Yeah. It's awesome. Okay, what about you guys? I think the same that we were committed and we had a lot of fun along the way and we enjoyed our life here on this earth together. And And then when it wasn't so fun, we stayed the course because it's not always fun.

I think also practically we are intentional about being kind to one another. And my hope is that our kids and grandkids will see that. We honor each other. And it's a harsh world out there or the way that people act and talk to each other. And inside our house, we're kind to each other. It's really good. well thank you guys so much I would say as a newly still pretty newly married how long how long?

Well like two to half years now we're still we go with the house because it gives us more streetcred but I would just say thank you like I look at both of your marriages and I want it and so all of these answers and even all of the heavy questions it really helps so many people because you have what all of us want and so when we get to hear your wisdom it just means so much so thank you and for those of you at home if you've heard anything today and are thinking that you'd love to do something to work on your marriage, we have some resources to help you grow and cultivate your marriage. You can check out co-e-22.com slash resources and click the marriage button and you'll see a list of books and podcasts

and workbooks, all the things to get you going. So thank you for tuning in with us today. Next week, we will be back for our final relate episode, which is crazy. We have a very special guest. She's about four and a half feet tall, love sparkles and doing handstands. M has amazing parents. Yes, Reagan Martin will be with us telling us all about how to raise up the next generation. Am I right? That's accurate, right? That is very accurate. She's an expert.

I may just be out of a job next week. All right, we'll see you next week, church.