The Church of Eleven22 - [BONUS] Relate: a conversation about your love life - Episode 11: How to Raise a Daughter

Episode Date: March 22, 2021

What's up 1122? Welcome to our final episode of Relate. We started with what it looks like to be a godly man or woman. Then we talked about everything from dating to sex to fighting to how to mature and grow old in love. And here we are culminating our time together with a very special episode on how to raise a daughter. If you've missed any of our episodes, you can always go to COE22.com slash Song of Solomon and watch or rewatch all 10 episodes. This weekend, Pastor Jobi preached on how to raise a daughter and we decided we just, couldn't do this episode without the help of a very special guest. Today we have Reagan Martin with us. She is the daughter of Jobian Gretchen, the sister of JP, and the most confident shining 11-year-old I've ever met. You ready, Reagan? Yes. All right, let's dive in. So we're going to do a little icebreaker to get started. So you each have a piece of paper in front of you. Reagan, you have two pieces of paper. And so you're going to write what your favorite thing to do with your mom is on one and what your favorite thing to do with your dad is on the other, and then you both will write what your favorite thing to do with Reagan is

on your paper. And while they're writing, check out this short clip from Pastor Joby's sermon this weekend. The path to happily ever after is paved with patience, purity, protection, and provision. The path to happily ever after is paved with patient, purity, protection, and provision. I just want to close by being very practical, and I want to talk to three groups of people, Okay, and these aren't Bible verses. This is just however many years of ministry experience I have. I want to talk to moms and dads.

I want to talk to the brothers and I want to talk to the daughters. To moms and dads. And mostly dads. Here's a few things you can do to raise a godly daughter, okay? One, love mama. I mean love your wife.

One of the best things you can do for the heart of your children, for the heart especially of your daughter, is put into practice what we've been talking about for the last 10 weeks. I mean doad over her and love her and kiss her and compliment her and don't be afraid to make your kids go. Second, not second and important, it's just the second one I'm going to talk about. Dads, what you need to do for your daughters is point them to Jesus. Pray for them, pray over them, preach the gospel, read the Bible over your kids. I look this up today. There is a 0.03% chance that your kid will play pro sports. There is a 100% chance that your kid will stand before Jesus one day. Third, dads, prioritize your

kids. Prioritize those little girls. Give them attention, play with them, be more concerned about the time you spend with them than the money you make. And a lot of times, man, a lot of times dads will overwork at the expense of their kids and then blame their kids for it. Please don't do that. Well, I do all this just so y'all could have nice things. I bet you if you let your kids vote, they would do with a lot less nice things to just have one more Saturday a month for you. I promise.

I promise. And the way a kid spells love is T-I-M-E. That's it. The way a kid receives love is time with you. And then honestly, have a little bit of fun. Dads, ask yourself this question. When's the last time you had fun with your daughter? When's the last time you did something with her that she wanted to do?

And the things that she wants to do are terrible. I mean, are awful. The dumb cartoons are so dumb. I don't know why you like them. And the little coloring thing, it's just terrible. But that's not the point. It's that you just do things with her. And dads, I don't know how to emphasize this enough.

Speak life into your children, particularly your daughters. All right, we're back. have our answers all written down. So we're going to start with Gretchen. So what is your favorite thing to do with Reagan? Oh, on shopping trips. Oh, shopping trips. And Reagan, what did you write that your favorite thing to do with your mom is? Uh, get my hair done. Okay. Shopping trips and getting your hair done, this could kind of go together. Okay, Joby, what did you say is your favorite thing to do with Reagan? Well, I almost put fishing because we just went fishing at Disney and we crushed it, but I didn't think she would think about that. So I put cuddle on the couch. We were

watching Mandalorian right now and we just watched what Wanda Vision and so just to sit and okay Reagan what did you put I like to go to Top Golf with you that's great because you could probably beat me so you all like things that cost money

both yours all you all us have to do with spending money that's great yours is the only one that's right okay okay so Reagan we're going to start with a question for you we've been able to see and hear all about Joby and Gretchen's marriage throughout this series, but now you are our actual eyewitness, you see them on a daily basis. So what is your favorite thing about how

your mom and dad love each other? I love how it's not like awkward when it's all three of us or four of us, including J.P. all together. And yeah, basically that's great. Yeah, so you all can have fun together the four of you? We don't make it weird. You don't make it weird. You're not like, yeah. basically. That's good. That's good. Some kids don't enjoy spending time with their parents. That's awesome that you do. Okay, we got this question sent in. It says, Pastor Jobian Gretchen, could you please discuss how to raise a daughter valuing and loving herself while also understanding and teaching the gospel that we are fundamentally sinful? What are some specific ways that you guys do this? Well, the gospel is the answer to the fact that we are fundamentally sinful. And I guess what they're going, the question is talking about, You know, how do you speak life into your kid and talk about the image of God in them and they're fearfully and wonderfully made and all that and not neglect that they're also wretched,

black-hearted sinners? And at least in our house, I don't know that we have to like teach that a lot because we seem to experience it often as just parents, right? So if you love your kids and you discipline them and hold them accountable to living life and right relationship as a family member, then the fact that we're all sinners, seems to come up plenty. And we need to spend more time about why we need God's grace. And that's why Jesus died on the cross for us.

And when we sin, which we all do in my family often, that we need to confess and repent. So I think it's more, I think more is caught than taught in regards to the gospel with your children. That's good. Anything you got? No, I think when I read that question, my first thought was because we are, we have such a sinful nature,

that's why we teach Reagan that she is fearfully and wonderfully made. Because I think that the fact that she knows that, even later on in life, when, you know, a sin is committed against her or she is making a decision that could be a bad one or a good one, her knowing her worth and that she's fearfully and wonderfully made and that she's valuable and that, she loves Jesus is actually, hopefully that's going to translate into the future stuff. And one of the things I don't think we've ever done with our kids, at least I hope not,

is that we've never looked at our kids and something they've done and said these words, I am so disappointed in you. Because that is like the most anti-gospal thing you could say to someone. What you say is that was wrong and your decisions have consequences, and these consequences are to coach you and correct you, not to just punish you. but if we're trying to like raise our children in the gospel Romans 8 1 says therefore now there's no condemnation for those who ring Christ Jesus it doesn't say there's no consequences so oftentimes we sin and there's consequences

but because Christ was condemned in our place then we therefore are not condemned so it is a very anti-gospel thing for a mom and a dad to look at their kid and condemn them and to say I'm disappointed in you that I mean you want to talk about leaving some serious scars not just with your relationship with your kid but also your kids understanding of the gospel, then you tell them how disappointed you are. But instead, you remind them, this is why Jesus died, that decision that you made was wrong, and here's what we're going to do about it. That's good. Okay, so in this world, this crazy world, how are you guys raising an 11-year-old girl in a world that has an impossible standard of beauty? It is impossible. All we can do

is say you are amazing, you're lovely, you're beautiful, and I think she knows, and we let her know that those standards are not real. None of that is real. Instagram or TikTok or the magazine or, you know, whatever it is, that the impossible standards are not reality and that God made you exactly the way he wanted to make you. And we're also not allowing the world

standard to dictate what our standard for our daughter is. So, and it's where, I mentioned in the sermon, and so moms and dad, stay in the fight. Your kid's worth fighting for, particularly like the clothing outfit, modest, modest fight. It's worth the fight. And Reagan is growing up and she looks way different than she did even a year ago. And she's turning into a young woman. And there are many times now where I say, nope, that's not going to work. you know and she's like well that's all they have and I'm like well do you want me to go shopping

because I can go find clothes for you so we can do it that way right or you know and so and I'm cool with being trendy and all of that sort of stuff but if you lift up your hands and I can see your belly then we're not wearing that and so at any point worship could break out and you could be there with your hands up at any point you got to be ready so you got to be ready and so but we have I don't let I don't let what everybody else is doing define what we're doing in my house Right, that's good. And it's worth a fight. And I will tell her, especially when she gets mad at me, which is fine, she can get mad.

And I just let her know, you are so valuable. And because you were valuable, you're going to be treated as valuable. And this is what this means. Okay, Reagan, so you are one of the most confident young women I've ever met. I love it. Where does that confidence come from? Well, there are points where people at school pick on me and stuff. and usually if it's a boy, he just likes me.

If it's a girl, then it's either her jealousy speaking or someone's picking on her the same way. But also my mom's very pretty, and even if I have a fraction of her beauty, then I think I'm very beautiful. Oh, you're talking. The best. I love that.

I love that. Okay, Pastor Jobi. We got this question sent in. If you are someone who is raised with parents that were divorced and did not send a standard for pursuit love and dating, especially in the terms of an absent father, what are some of the ways that you can pick out red flags early on in someone pursuing you when a standard was never set?

Well, I am the child of divorced parents, and it does impact in seriously negative ways, you know? But one of the things that the gospel teaches us is that God can redeem anything, that God is in the business of taking two broken people, and putting them together and creating one great marriage. I mean, he did it with us. And so I think that that kind of generational sin through the blood of Jesus can stop with you. And so you've been sitting under this teaching of what the Bible says the standard is for pursuit

and to propose and then until death through us part. And so you can't do anything about yesterday except learn from it or be forgiven of it. But from this day forward, then you can walk in a manner or worthy of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Awesome. Amen. Love that. Reagan, what are some things you love about your dad? Okay.

So, I know when he's on stage, he's always, like, tough and stern and stuff like that. But when he's at home, he'll, like, I love it when he'll, like, well, like he said, like he wrote on his note, like, when we'll watch Mandalorian on the couch and cuddle, it's my favorite thing. his smile. It's the best smile ever. Oh my gosh. I mean, in pictures he never smiles. He does like that half smile and it's like he. But

there's not a lot of people can't pick on me like this. Not many people can make him smile like her. Maybe me. Toby's like, can we please move on to the next question? Okay. You're the best.

So this says, hello, I'm a single mother. of a five-year-old girl. Stop. The single parents are superheroes. I mean, and I don't think I do a very good job of addressing it, and a part of it is just because it's not our experience, you know what I mean? And a lot of, like, what I'm teaching the Bible

and talking from our own experience, it's usually just this is the experience I know. And so I do want to say to all the folks that tune into the sermons and to this, I mean, if you're a single parent that you are a superhero, I don't know how you do it, but by God's grace, he'll get you through it. Sorry. That's great.

That's okay. Thank you for saying that. So a single mother of a five-year-old girl, my ex-husband is a non-believer, and we have joint custody of our daughter. I've been struggling lately with how she's being raised in two different atmospheres. I try to instill biblical values, and slowly but surely she's learning all about what Jesus has done for her, but my ex wants nothing to do with the church. Is there a way to have peace about her salvation and whether or not she will stray?

And how can a parent navigate the relationship with the other parent who is raising them differently? Yeah, so your ex-husband is an adult and you just have to have an adult conversation and agree to co-parent this kid. And regardless of what your ex-husband believes, that doesn't necessarily impact your kid's belief. And yes, they will stray because we are all strayers. That is by nature who we all are, which is why we need the gospel of Jesus Christ. But I do think that you can come up with a game plan to say, this is how I want to raise my daughter. even if your ex-husband is a non-believer,

I'm sure he's at least like pro-citizenship and you can talk about things like the fruit of the spirit. We want our kid to be, without even using that language, we want our kid to be more loving and kind and gentle and patient, you know, those things. And the empirical evidence all shows that kids raised in church are more apt to be those things. So they can stack hands there. And that God saves.

It's God that saves. doesn't save last names, he saves first names. And nobody inherits their salvation. That it is their own personal response to the gospel. But what we can do as parents is we can like take the kindling and put it around their little hearts, you know, like bringing them to church and having them involved in our kids' ministry and student ministry and praying over them and reading the Bible with them, trusting that the spirit of God will one day like that fire.

But you can't like the fire for them. That's good. Gretchen, any encouragement you can offer? I was going to say that, what he said at the beginning, you know, they're both adults and hopefully he is okay with her, bringing her to church or it's only going to benefit the kid, right? You know, so I don't, I think that he needs, I mean, he definitely needs to, you know, get it together and say, I'm okay with this, even if he doesn't agree with it.

And you never know. Like, her, her bringing Jesus into his house might do something. for him. For sure. That's right. That's good. Okay, Reagan, what were some things that your parents did that helped you understand who Jesus is? So, also the same people that you see on stage singing and preaching, they're the same people at home. They're not anything different than they are when they're up there. But also, every night will pray a Bible verse. And, you know, we'll go over Bible stuff always, and they'll take me to church and stuff,

which is really great. What's your favorite thing about church? I like the worship. Do you? And you've been serving a lot lately? I was going to say serving. I feel like you've been all about serving lately with Abby. Where do you serve?

I either serve with the preschoolers and the two-year-olds, or I serve with, I help Abby walk around. And sometimes you're in the online room, helping the production. You're all over the place. And the parking lot. Putting up signs in the parking lot. I love it. It's awesome.

So part of what we do is we just try to have our family be involved. I don't think that I'm called the ministry and everybody else is just my family. I think that God called the Martins to this ministry that is 1122. And, you know, J.P. plays a role in student ministry. And we all have our own role. Yeah. Yeah. I know I love Reagan.

And I feel like your mom will say like, okay, it's time to leave church. You're like, I don't want to leave church. I want to stay. All the services. Okay. For new Christian parents that didn't grow up in a Christian home, what advice do you have for them to help their children follow after Jesus? You teach your children just the way that you're learning. Like you're learning too.

You're new. And that's the way that you are growing your faith and you're learning more about your relationship with the Lord, then just you're that. Do the same thing with your kids because if you're hungry for it, they're going to see that anyway. That's right. A couple of resources would be

the Jesus story book Bible is incredible because it takes all of the events that happened in the Old and New Testament and it points them all to the cross. It's super gospel-centric. And as you're like Gretchen was saying, as you're teaching your kids,

if you didn't grow up in this, if you're teaching them some of the Old Testament Bible stories, you know, you'll be learning them too. Also, if you're a part of 1122, you have access to right now media. And there's all kind of Bible studies and stuff there and sermons and all that, but there's also like age-graded stuff. So you could watch like Bible studies for your kids, whatever age they are, and that's available to you right in your home, right now media. That's great. Reagan, what is your advice for someone raising a daughter right now? So the best thing I would think is if, let's say you're having an argument with your daughter, they don't,

you know the things that you don't like, like when she storms off and slams the door? She's not going to do that if you don't. She's not going to do that if you don't raise your voice at her. The best thing she wants is for you to have a conversation with her, like, why do you do this? how are we going to stop doing this and stuff there are some instances where you can raise your voice a little bit but most of the time that's something that she would not want but also

I love you straight list of you I love you yeah she ain't talking about me you know no remember the thing you told me yesterday oh the best thing a girl wants to hear is when you're ready to talk I'm ready to listen

That's amazing Love that It's really helpful Yeah because we process things so differently right I mean an 11 year old girl and a 47 year old man May have different processes Yeah and you may need a minute Yeah

That's really helpful A lot of times if my dad and I get into arguments I need a minute to think about what just happened Okay this is our final question No pressure Pastor Jobi if you could boil your whole sermon down to one thing on raising a daughter, what would it be? It's going to be a bit of a Pauline run-on sentence, but... Okay.

Because she is an image barrier of God, and because she has been purchased by the blood of Jesus at the cross, she is valuable, she needs to know it, and she needs to be treated that way. So it really just comes down to that. valuable and you should be treated as valuable. That's good. Well, you guys, this concludes our time here on Relate. Reagan, thank you so much for joining us, all of your amazing

wisdom, and Jobby and Gretchen, this has just been such a fun series to walk through all the different aspects of our love lives, so thank you so much. Joby, any final words as we close out our Song of Solomon series and Relate series? The thing about teaching

Song of Solomon is, I mean, we did 10 weeks on all these different seasons in life and aspects of life. One of the great things about the miracle of technology is there may be a week that was not pertinent to your life right now, but as long as there's an internet, it will be available to you. So there could be a time in the future where you go back and listen to some of this because God is a timeless God and he might have a word for you then, even though we're saying it right now. So I'd encourage you to go back and listen. You wouldn't believe the amount of people that have come up to us for years and you

years, right? And said, we watched this or whatever, back at Beach, right? Yeah. And just, yeah, I mean, just keeps going. For sure. That's pretty great. And to all of you at home who have been on this journey with us over the past 10 weeks, thank you so much. We truly believe marriages are being restored, dating standards are being raised, and families are being transformed. If you've experienced life change at all throughout this series or any time during your involvement with 1122, we would love to hear your story. You can go to co.e22.com slash stories and tell us how God has moved in your life. We love you all deeply and we'll see you soon.