The Church of Eleven22 - S01 E21 - Marriage

Episode Date: April 28, 2020

Hey, church family, it is time for Devo. This one comes by special request. Ephesians chapter 5, we are going to talk about marriage. I was actually on an elder Zoom call meeting earlier in the week, and one of the elders just said, hey, anybody else kind of getting a little snippy with your spouse? And because I don't know that we are used to spending this much time together, and it was pretty unanimous around the elder table via Zoom. We all raised our hand. I saw this thing online. It said, during Corona, my wife and I played this game called, Why Do You Do It That Way?

And there are no winners, which is so true. So what I thought we'd do is get a little refresher here on the roles of husbands and wives in the scriptures. So Ephesians Chapter 5, the great news about the book of Ephesians is the book. The first half of it is about the gospel, gospel, gospel, gospel, gospel, Ephesians 2, that you and I were dead in our trespasses, but God, rich in mercy, saved us that we are saved by grace through faith, not by works. And then when he gets to like chapter 4, it takes this hard turn and now talks about what we should look like as saved people.

And then as he's landing the plane in chapter 5, he's going to talk about all the different roles that we have, and then finally he'll close it up with the spiritual warfare and the armor of God. But we're going to talk about the roles of husbands and wives. Now, you've heard me mention before. I don't necessarily love the subject headings in the Bible. They are helpful, but sometimes I don't think they put it in the right place. Because what Paul is doing here is he's going to talk about three different relationships. Wives and husbands, children and parents, and bond servants, and masters. In our context, it'd be like employee, employer. But where it really starts, the wives and husbands talk, really there's a banner over all of these relationships. And that banner is verse 21.

So before we talk about what the husband's supposed to do and what the wife's supposed to do, we talk about verse 21 says this, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. a good marriage really boils down to a good friendship that's rooted in Jesus Christ. That husbands and wives are supposed to be mutually submitted to one another. And to submit simply means to make your deal a bigger deal than my deal. That's what it means. So one of the things that you have to do, especially, when you open the Bible, because sometimes, man, the moment we open the scriptures,

especially to wives and husbands, our minds can go to all kind of different places, okay? And some of us have these like preconceived notions of what marriage is supposed to be like, and it has more to do with leave it to beaver and things that we heard growing up than it does God's way for a man and woman to glorify God in their marriage. But it starts with this. It starts with mutual submission. and the reason that you submit to one another is not because you're submittable to. It's because of Jesus, that you put him in the middle and you treat each other like Jesus is in the middle. And in your marriage, I'll tell you this, the closer and closer and closer you get to him,

the closer and closer and closer you will be with one another. And the more you focus on each other, the problem in your marriage is not communication issues, and the problem in your marriage is not because you're not getting what you want. That's what's causing all the fights. But the root of it is, is you're not submitted to one another out of reverence for Jesus. Then it starts in verse 22 with the wives. You know why? Because it always starts with you, wives.

Maybe you've heard the phrase, if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy, that's a fact. You set the temperature in your home. You just do. And so it starts with you. And he says this, wives submit. to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church,

his body, and is himself its Savior. Now, it repeats. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Now, let's think about a couple things here, wives. First of all, this was written in the first century. Do you think that was a radical teaching in the first century? Not at all.

I know it sounds radical today, but when this was written, it was just normative. In fact, one of the Greek words for wives in the first century, it really meant like property. And so nobody was hearing this thinking, oh, gosh, this is crazy. What is Paul talking about? Now, a couple of things. Nowhere in the Bible does it say women submit to men. All of us submit to somebody. the only man that you are supposed to submit to as a woman is your husband.

Wives submit to your own husbands. There is no other situation where women submit to men. In God's economy, look, you want to be the president? I would vote for you right now. You want to be the boss? You should be the boss. A lot of you are incredible bosses. But when it comes to your home, wives submit to you.

to your husband. Now, we just were instructed that we're supposed to be mutually submissive to one another. And again, submit this does not mean that he makes all the decisions. It doesn't mean he makes the big decisions. It doesn't mean anything like that. It simply means this, your deal, I'm going to, I'm going to treat your deal as a bigger deal than my deal. And this is the way God has established it. For the husband is the head of the wife. Now, sometimes you'll hear, Christians say, well, the husband's the spiritual leader of my home. It's not what the Bible says. The Bible says he's the head. That means he's just the leader, not just of spiritual things, but he is responsible for all the things. Now, you guys are smart people. You can divide up the chores,

and somebody can cook and somebody can clean. And in my house, we have pretty traditional roles, but it's because I'm not very good at cleaning and cooking. But however you divide it up, Now where, how you do that has nothing to do with God's design for marriage. Wives, submission to your husband is his invitation to lead. That's it. It's when you make this decision, ultimately, ultimately, here's what it means. If I could just make up my own definition for submit. When you submit to your husband, you are making him feel like.

the man. That's it. That means you're not correcting all his stories. You're not nagging him. You know what the Bible says about a nagging wife? It's better to live in the corner of a roof. It's better to die in the desert. It's like dripping water. Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, when you nag, nag, nag, nag, nag. Now see, the hard thing is, is that every wife was created to be a helper for her husband. But when the curse came, you feel like you're helping. And for him, it feels like a hostile takeover. And again, he's just trying to tell a story at a party, and you're just thinking, he is so lucky to have me because I am here to correct all the details. And every time you're correcting all of his details, which don't matter, he's telling a lie anyway because he's trying

to impress his buddies. And every time you do that, it feels like an aggressive hostile takeover, like you're going to pat him on the head and say, hey, you're too dumb to tell stories. I got this. That is not this. I know it's kind of funny, but here's what submission. is when you can't open the jelly jar and you say, well, you get this for me, honey, and he pops it open and you go, Hercules, Hercules. I'm telling you, the way we are wired, it's just supernatural what that kind of thing does. Now, all right, wives submit to the husband. If you didn't look at the text, you would think it would say husbands lead your wife or husbands,

you're the boss. It doesn't say anything like that, boys. husbands love your wives as Christ love the church and gave himself up for her. So our standard is Jesus on the cross. What does it mean to love our wives? It means to lay our lives down. Now, most of us, especially 1122, most of us would be willing to like take a bullet for our wives.

You know, somebody runs in the house with a gun. You better get in front of her. But we're not going to have that opportunity, most of us. us. So what it means practically is we lay our lives down every single day. That we lay down our preferences and our wants and me first. We lay down those things as if she is there to meet all of your needs. We lay those things down so that she could be lifted up. And I'll tell you, when you've got in an argument, you've got two choices, men. You can be right or you can be a husband. Those are your options. And here's what I mean.

man, and I'm the worst at this, so I understand because I love to be right, and I want to be right, and I am right. But Jesus was right. But instead of being right, he laid down his rights, became sin, and went to the cross. Do you see that? And that's how we're supposed to love our wives.

As Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, and he goes on to say, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water, with the words so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. Let me ask you this. When husbands, when your wife stands before the Lord, will she be more like Christ because she was married to you? And I don't mean will she be more like

Christ because she suffered in a beating and you were her cross that she had to bear. I don't mean like that. I mean, did you pray over her? Did you wash her in the Word? Was she sanctified because you were a good gift from God in her life, loving her and caring for her? You see, he says, in the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no one has ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it. just as Christ does the church. Here's what this means. See, ladies, this won't make sense to you.

When the Bible says, for no one has ever hated his own flesh, you are like, I hate my flesh all the time. He's talking to husbands here. Think about how fat and hairy your husband is, and yet he gets out of the shower and he's like, yep, still got it. He ain't got it, but he thinks he's got it. See, we love us. And here's the thing.

Every single man, we are experts at taking care of us. We know what we like, we know what we don't like. when we get thirsty, no one has to tell us we're thirsty. Listen to this man, when you're thirsty, who has to tell you? Nobody, you just know. And what do you do? You drive it along in your truck. You pull over and you get you something to drink.

And you know what you get you to drink? You get you what you want to drink. In the same way, just like you've become an expert at taking care of you. Your new job is to be an expert at taking care of her. in the book of Peter, First Peter, Peter says, husbands live with your wives. It gets translated as a weaker vessel, but it doesn't mean like, it means like more delicate. It literally means husbands live with your wives as unto knowledge. In other words, that we are supposed to become students of our wives.

And we are supposed to learn them so well that we know what they want and we know what they need even before they tell us. And just like we have become experts at taking care of our own bodies, we are to nourish them and cherish them. Then when God gave Adam Eve, he said, it's not good for man to be alone. And so he gives him this soulmate, this helpmate. And then he gives him this commandment, subdue and cultivate. Adam, your job, I've given you this garden. And you two, together as partners, are supposed to take the raw goods that I have. have given you and reallocate them for human flourishing.

Husbands, that's our job, that we have been given this wife, this gift from God, and that our job is to create the kind of environment in our world, in our homes, where they could flourish to be all that God has created them to me. I don't know that I'm doing a very good job at this, but I hope and pray that one day, years and years and years from now, that my wife would look back and think, one of God's greatest gifts in my life was that he gave me that husband because that husband nourished me and cherished me. Man, have you been doing that lately? Have you been creating the kind of environment where she can be the best version of her that God created her to be?

That's what it means to love our wives. It says, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as Christ does the church. Because we are, members of his body, therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, leave and cleave, and the two shall become one flesh. That means that when they consummate the marriage by having sex, one plus one equals one. Now men, most of the time, we get this out of order. Okay? And I'm not even talking about premarital sex, though that is a part of it, but that's not what I mean. about in our marriage sometimes. What we want to do is we want to start with the hold fast and cleave and then maybe work on the love our wives as Christ love the church.

Men, let me promise you, the more we do verses 25 and following, the more we will be at verses 31. The more we nourish and lay down our lives and cherish, the more likely will be holding fast. It goes on to say, this mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Notice it doesn't say wives love the husband. There are many places in the Bible where the wives are told to love their husband. But ultimately, wives, you know what your husband wants from you? He wants to be respected. He wants to be respected. that ultimately, if I could boil all this down to just plain speak, it would be this,

that if you want to be a good, godly wife, then you help your man understand who he is in Christ, and you make your man feel like the man, the way you talk to him, the way you talk about him. And husbands, you want to love your wife, because do you know what she wants more than anything else? I know you want to be respected? I want to be respected. I want my wife to think I'm the man. And you know what she wants from you? You know what Gretchen wants from me? They want to feel valued. They want to feel valued. You know why my little girl comes running in the living room

and does dances for me and twirls around and says, look at me, Daddy, it's because she wants her dad to look at her and say, you are valuable. Look, man, those little girls never, ever grew up, and we're married to them now. And they are not looking for their worth in our opinion. They're not. Their identity is in Christ.

But husbands, your wife wants to feel valuable. feel like she's got a no-compete contract with everything else in the world. Like second to Jesus, she is the most valuable thing in your world. So if you're struggling in your marriage right now, I can tell you why. Now, there are degrees to this for sure, but if you're struggling in your marriage, it's some degree of this. She doesn't feel valued and he doesn't feel respected. And what's the cure?

Some of you need to go to counseling right now, okay? But ultimately, what you're going to get to, in counseling, you're going to get to the bottom of it. It's this, is you better put Jesus in the middle, and submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. And listen, if the tomb is empty, anything is possible. If God breathed life into Jesus and he started breathing again

and rolled away the stone and walked out and was resurrected, then he can breathe new life into your marriage. If the tomb is empty, anything is possible. So wives, respect your husbands. Husbands, love your wives. And may Jesus be glorified in it all. Let me pray for our marriages.

Your Father in heaven, Lord, I thank you. The marriage was your idea. And that a good, godly, gospel-centered, Christ-focused marriage is the depiction of the gospel to this world. God, I pray for our marriages. I know that the enemy would like nothing more than to tear apart a whole bunch of marriages at this time. And Lord, that's probably why Paul,

you instructed Paul to after he talked about marriages and parents and kids and being at work, then he talked about how to stand against the enemy. Lord, I pray that we would not give the enemy a foothold in our marriage, but that we would put you, Jesus, in the middle, and then we would submit to one another out of reverence for you. And God, may you be revered in our marriage. And God, for the marriages that are struggling right now, Lord, would you do a mighty, mighty work?

Maybe you would use this time that the husband would lead the way, that he would be the lead apologizer, that he would be the lead prayer, that he would take the lead, that he would go first, that he would pursue, just like you did, Jesus, and coming after us. And he would go after his wife again. And God, I pray that you would give her a sweet spirit. Lord, I pray for miracles in our marriages to your glory. I prayed in Jesus now.