The Church of Eleven22 - Wk 3: Dating

Episode Date: January 31, 2021

Our world’s way of dating is hook up, shack up, break up, repeat. God’s way is pursue, progress, propose. Period. Click Series Resources to download the series journal, watch RELATE and more.

All right, here we go, church. I hope you're ready to study the Bible. If you've got yours, Song of Solomon chapter 2 is where we're going to be. We're in the third week of this series, and we, today, in case you are a little slow on the uptake, are talking about dating, and what the Bible says is about dating and who and when and why and all the things. And the one thing, though, when you teach the Bible about dating is the Bible does not talk specifically about dating the way we think about dating. There's no place in the Bible where Moses goes up to Sappora and was like, hey, would you like to spill the story? split a blooming onion at Outback. That's not in here. But dating is not a status like we treat

dating. Dating is a process, a process of discernment to, and it's really like a means to an end. And the end is, should we get married? And so we are going to talk about dating for singles and talking about dating to married folk, okay? Because married people, you're not supposed to stop dating. You were supposed to continuously put yourself in the kind of environments where your relationship can grow and bloom. And so what I hope to do is for you singles, whether you're like, you know, young, single, or maybe you're single again or whatever, if you're kind of on the dating scene and you're not married, pretty much what I want to do is deconstruct everything this world tells you about dating because it is all a lie and it's all pretty selfish.

And it will teach you some horrible habits because what our world teaches is basically that the way you date is all about you. And it's hook up. check up, break up, repeat. Hook up, check up, break up, repeat. And I want to deconstruct that and then reconstruct it in a biblical way where we can honor one another and serve one another and date with honor. And then I also want to encourage the married folk, again, to continue to date your spouse. Now, one of the things that I have working against me that we talk about all the time is this myth of the one. Because you believe if you can just meet the one, one, one, then everything will be all right. and you feel like that dating is the process by which you try to find this mysterious one.

I had somebody come up and tell me, I wish we were all born with just a tattoo on our head. And then when we met the matching tattoo, you'd be like, well, you must be the one. Let's get this going. That is not the way it works. And so Jerry McGuire has been lying to you. Hollywood has been lying to you because the problem with the myth of the one is what you begin to believe is if I just meet the right one, that everything will be all right. and the reason everything's been wrong is because I hadn't been with the right one.

And you began to think that if I fall in love, then I'll fall in line. And the problem is, is you think that you can treat all the wrong ones wrongly because the day that you meet the right one and you make a promise and you make a vow, then everything else will be all right. The problem with that, the problem with that is that practice always outperforms a promise. that practice always outperforms a promise. And if you've been practicing things this way, if you've been practicing being selfish and taking,

and you think on one Saturday you can show up to the church or wherever you get married, and you can get all dressed up in your tucks and bring all your boys from college there, and that, darling, you can pour yourself into that little dress that you've been dieting so hard to get into, and you can dress all your friends, your bridesmaids that look like a bunch of skittles,

put them in goofy-looking dresses. I know what you do. I see you. Saturdays. And if you think that moment, you could just make a promise, you can make a vow, and somehow it's going to undo the selfish behavior that you've been acting in all those years, and now you're going to be ready to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. I'm just telling you, practice always outperforms a promise, because you may have great intentions, but intentions are pretty worthless. And it is your direction, not your intentions, not your

feeling that determine your destination. And we all know this to be true. If you go out to I-95 and you turn north, guess where you'll never end up? Miami. I don't care if you pray about it. I don't care if you believe you're going to Miami. All of that is irrelevant. I-95 just doesn't go that way. And if you, if you buy in to the mode of dating that our world offers, I'm telling you, it leads somewhere, it just doesn't lead where you want to go. The good news, the good news about what we call the path principle, that it is direction, not intention, that determine its destination, is by the power of the Holy Spirit and the gift of repentance.

You can change direction at any time. That from this day forward, you could do things differently. You could do things God's way. And I'm just telling you, the greatest predictor of your future is your past. Coach Lee used to tell us, if you fumble in practice, you're going to fumble in the game. So don't think you can fumble around with. other people while you're dating them, and then one day be the husband and wife God has called you to be. In fact, I don't even like the way we talk about it because we have this myth of the

one and we'll use phrases like I fell in love, as if it was an accident. Like I didn't mean to. I was walking by. I didn't notice. I stumbled this chubby kid in a diaper with wings that couldn't even help him fly. Shot me in the butt with a long bow and it wasn't my fault. It just got on me. And I got love all over me. So now I love you. And so if that is the, the, if that is the basis of your relationship, the problem with falling out of love is you meet a whole lot of people that get up, dust them, dust a little love off, and they go, I ain't in love anymore. And the problem is, maybe I didn't meet the right one. So what I need to do is find me another one that I can fall in love with. That is not what the scripture is going to

describe love as. Now, we spent two weeks, not on finding the one, but becoming the one that's worth finding. So now they are going to go on a date. Solomon and the Schuomite woman are going to go on a date. And so, singles, I want to talk to you. I want to challenge you. By the way, how many singles that might be interested in dating in the house? Raise your hand. If you were a single, raise it high. Okay, keep that thing up. Just right there, plenty of time to look around. Y'all need to look around. I'm trying to help you out. I see it, Bay Meadows. Come on. All right, Arlington. All right, got it. Good luck. Maybe I'll pair off by the end. Rumor has it. I have not, I'm not totally sure. Rumor has it that there was a proposal.

after the 9 o'clock service in the lobby out here. So, praise God. Now, so I want to challenge all the singles to date God's way and then married people. I want to challenge you to up your game because I'm telling you, what happens often is that married guys, old Christian church married people. Men get lazy?

You do, man. We get lazy. We can take her commitment for granted. Black, of course you know, I love her. I mean, I do the wheat eating, and then I put food on the table. All right. You know possums provide food for their families.

We might want to up our game, just a hair there, scooter, right? And then ladies, you know, good old church Christian women get crusty. We're going to come back to that one. So they're going to go on a date. Chapter 2, verse 8. This is our third lap through these verses, but we're going to look at it now. We've talked about who he is and who she is, and we're going to see them go on a date.

It says this. She's speaking. The voice of my beloved, behold, he comes, leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills. He's about to come pick her up and take her on a date and notice, ladies, she is excited. She is pumped. Behold, there he is. And notice him.

He is excited to take her out. That in a very staglight, just oozing masculinity way, he's skipping over the hills to come get his girl. Do you understand? I don't know. This doesn't sound very spiritual, but dating ought to be fun. There ought to be some excitement there. If you are single and going out with a girl and you're like, oh, I got to take her out again, then you have a problem there.

They are excited to spend time together, and this is very, very important. They understand, they're going to understand that dating is not a status, it's a process. It's a means to an end. It is a discernment process. And ultimately, what they are discerning is not, are you the right one for me? What you're ultimately discerning is, can I be the one for you? Can I be what the Bible describes as a husband or as a wife? it is a very, very high calling.

And they are excited. Now, a couple things. I get some questions for some singles. Like, all right, who should I date? Well, I would just say, pay attention to who God puts before you. You see, the Bible says that we are to run the race that he has marked out for us.

And so, as a Jesus follower, as you are pursuing Christ, as you are being faithful to God's call in your life, running your race, then occasionally as you're running along, you look to the right, you look to the left. And if you see a young stag or you see a honey over here

and they are running the same race as you and at least relatively the same pace, then you should run over there next to them and run the race together a little bit. That's how this thing works. In fact, one of the things I just want to rebuke you on, ladies, is please, whatever you do, do not use my list that I got from the Bible

to encourage our men to be godly men. Some of you, I've heard you're using this thing like a sledgehammer to beat you. down every young man here that's trying to go in godliness. You got this thing like you're doing American Idol. Like, nope, you missed that one? Nope, yep, you missed that one? Because here's what I want to tell you. A bunch of you grew up in youth group and you've been praying for your husband to come and your boaz is going to show up one day and you've been praying for him. And I'm telling you, your youth pastor was great and your list is ridiculous. Some man could show up with the spirit of

Elijah in the body of Tim Tebow and you're like, I don't know. I don't know. Okay. Just breathe, darling. okay? If he's running the same race as you, heading in the same direction, then just be ready. Psalm 343 says this, oh, magnify the Lord with me. Let us exalt his name together.

This is a great way to think about dating. Who is a person that God may put in front of you that you could magnify the Lord together, that you could exalt his name together? And again, I'm telling you, when Boaz meets Ruth, in the book of Ruth, I don't think she would have made it. his checklist. She was a Moabite. That's a super shady place to come from. She was a foreigner.

She was a widow and she was a day laborer and he was the king of Israel. But when he saw her, what we're going to find out is this Shunamite woman is that when Solomon, the king of Israel, he's going to see this day laborer working in his vineyard and he's not going to be like, nope, she doesn't meet the criteria that I have been expecting, but he pays attention to her. So run that race and then invite somebody to come run along with you. Now, I will say this. There's a bunch of reasons not to date. A couple, just as frank as I can be.

If for you, if you're single and dating always equals sex, stop. You're not ready to date. You are not ready to pursue a relationship with one of God's daughters or one of God's children. If you think all you're going to do is take, take, take. You are not ready. Stop. and then come back next week, we're going to talk about fleeing sexual immorality all next week. Also, if you are not ready to be married, then you are not ready to date.

Because dating is a, it's not a status. It's not something to do on Fridays when there's nothing else to do. It's not something for you to be entertained by. If you were a serial dater, if you just like the game of it all, then you are not ready to date, and especially one of our 1122 girls. So stop. And so, because here's the deal, you are not looking for a boy. friend. Boys shouldn't date. You are looking for a man to be your husband. In fact, men, if you're not serious about growing up and being the man that God has called you to be, then you are not ready to date. Listen, girls want to marry a man and make babies. They don't want to marry a baby and try to make you into a man, all right? So, now, and if you're married,

if you're married, never stop dating. Never stop dating. Never stop pursuing your wife. Never stop putting yourself in the kind of environments where your relationship continuously blossoms. This is what we have been called to do. And husbands, I know you got it in you. Up your game. Wives, get excited when he ask you out. Behold, here he comes, like a young stud, bounding over the hills. That's what's happening here.

Verse 9, he's showing up to take her out on the date. My beloved, this is her talking about him. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, there he stands behind our wall. wall gazing through the windows looking through the lattice. You know what's happening here? She ain't ready. He shows up right on time. She's still getting ready, you know? I don't know if you notice, fellas, but you know how long a woman needs to get ready? Five more minutes. That's all she needs, okay? You got it? Whatever it is, you can start today for next Tuesday.

You're going to just take five more minutes. So what you do here, this is just, this is just help for you, okay? So make the reservation at eight, tell her it's at seven. That's not lying. That's biblical. This is what he's doing right here. And then you'll come across this page. Take you time, baby, whatever it needs, it's going to be worth it. That's what he does. Verse 10, My beloved speaks and says to me, this is him asking her out. Arise my love, my beautiful one, and come away. Because up to this point, they've all been together. There's groups of people, you know, her friends speak, and he's going, all right, now this one is just going to be me and you. They're moving from like casual public encounters to being exclusive. He speaks tenderly with her.

and men, I would just say this, lead. Lead. Whether you're single or married, ask her out on a date. Be specific. Have a plan. To go somewhere sometime is not a plan. That's just like, uh-uh, don't do that. And here's why, here's why.

In fact, if you're a husband, I'm going to give you permission right now to not even listen to any of the rest of the sermon. If you are a husband right now, I want you to get out your smartphone or you can look in your journal. We put a cheat sheet in there in your journal. Date ideas for you. Why? Because you're not very good at it, okay?

And for the rest of the time, plan a date. And here's why it matters, because your girl, every girl in here, her fundamental question deep in her soul is, am I lovely, am I valuable? And what happens when you give all of your best efforts at work, because here's what happens, man, she has seen you lead at work.

She's seen you make plans, come up with a strategic plan, she's seen you make decisions. She never hears you when you're talking to your employees or your team. I don't know, whatever you want to do. She never hears you say that. She hears you say, this is when we're doing it, and this is the deadline, and here's what we're going to do. Ready, break.

And then she looks at you and you're like, okay? Lead. You see, your girl wants to be pursued. Verse 11. Here's what happens. For behold, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, the voice of the turtle dove is heard in our land, the fig tree ripens its figs and the vines are in blossom. They give forth fragrance,

arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away. What time of year is this? This is springtime, man. This is the best time of year. Everything's coming to life, the days are longer, the sun is warmer, and what he is saying here, he is saying, I, what, dating is a process, it's not a status. I am going to create environments whereby we can get to know each other and our relationship can bloom just like a garden would bloom. They are moving from casual encounters to courtship on purpose. And again, you're not looking for a girlfriend, you're looking for a wife. You're not looking for a boyfriend. You're looking for a husband. So single men, single men, no serial dating. If you just like the sport of it, you're not ready to be a husband. And you need to use dating as practice for what it

will be one day for you to love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. So be a man. Stop flirting with emotions of our girls. State your intentions and pursue and pursue. Now again, sometimes you see the bumper videos that we show. And so if you feel like God told you to marry somebody before you've ever been had a conversation with them, I would just encourage you like, whoa, there, sea biscuit. I'd keep it to yourself. That's just on me. In retrospect, like later, if you get married, feel free to share that information. And I'm not saying God didn't tell you to say it. I'm telling you don't tell anybody. Okay? You might freak people out a little bit. But fellas, single men, ask a girl out on a date. You can use the words.

And this means you should be specific. There should be a time. There should be a place. And then one of the ways that you can honor the girls here is that you need to give them enough time to think about it and pray about it and you need to honor them to give them a legitimate out because here's what's happening you've been working up the courage to ask her out for like a month okay it's like you're ready to land this plane and your flight path is coming from way back here and you've been working and your disciple group has been prepping and you even practice on your brother you'd be like all right pretend like you're her uh hey you know you're doing your thing right and then you're just going to lay it on like in disciple group. It's a lot of pressure. One of the ways you can honor her is give her a legitimate

out, give her plenty of time. But don't, come on, don't be a boy. Don't be a boy about this. Don't be like, oh, hey, so I was thinking maybe we could like hang out or something sometime. Hang out or something sometime is not a date. Okay? Look at your calendar. There is no some time on the calendar. there are dates and times like next Wednesday I got tickets to that kind of thing I would love if you would come with me on a date state your intentions clearly and give her enough time to reject you and I'm telling you man I'm telling you something happened in the last hundred years when social media replaced socials men lost a serious skill I mean there was a day where every week you would go to the Friday dance you'd see you're like hey want to do it

She'd be like, no, be like, okay, and then you, how about you? Okay? And you worked on that skill, because I know some of your boys are like, she might say no, bro. And if she rejects you, don't blame it on Jesus, okay? It's on you. Just dust yourself off, stay in the game. But ask specific dates. Single women, one, trust in Jesus.

Trust in Jesus. Know that no man can complete you. Jerry McGuire is a false prophet, all right? You are not an incomplete being waiting for some dude to fulfill your soul. Have you met a dude? Look around. You think this is going to complete you? Are you being, and look around.

This is the best Jacksonville has to offer. These are people trying to be awesome. You understand what I mean. Trying to be godly. And look, man, I mean, this is what you're working with, all right? You are not an incomplete being. Only Jesus can complete you. Don't put up with a dude.

acting like a little boy. Don't put up with, uh, you think maybe sometimes somewhere maybe we could hang? No. You ask specifically when, specifically where. And listen, fellas, I'm not trying to make it more difficult for you. Okay, girls, all you're going to do is you're going to encourage him. Because the crazy thing is about men, man, they almost always will put forth the least amount of effort for it to like check the box. This is just true. You ever ask your husband or like, hey, will you sweep? Does he sweep like you sweep? No, it's just one line through the middle. Well, I did it. Okay, so what you don't want to do is put up with this bar way down here. You are worth being pursued. Just help him out. When you say sometime, what time do you mean?

Do you mean like a.m.? Do you mean p.m.? Do you mean daytime? Do you mean nighttime? And when you say, do something somewhere. Just, I need a few more specifics about that. Okay, ladies, just don't do his job for him and don't put up with this. You are worth the pursuit. And singles, date in such an honorable way. Date in such an honorable way. date in such an honorable way towards one another that if you decide to not date anymore you don't have to change churches, you don't have to change campuses, you don't have to change service times,

you don't have to see them in public and be like, nope, not going down that aisle anymore, okay? Honor one another, because I promise you it's better to be single and want to be married than married and want to be single. You heard anew, you hear that, mm, all right? Because there's some married people right now praying, dear God, I wish you'd just send a meteor, take her out,

for your glory and my enjoyment. Now, married people, married people. They are going on a date, and there is this environment where their relationship is blooming, and we are to continuously put ourselves in those kinds of environments where the marriage continues to bloom, because oftentimes what can happen is we kind of take our spouse's commitment for granted. And we just sort of presume upon their faithfulness.

And what will end up happening is you just kind of become a butler and a maid and, you know, you do to wheat eating and she pays the bills and you just sort of cohabitate. And that is not God's standard for marital love and intimacy. So married men, listen, listen, dude, you got it in you, man. I know you got it in you. I mean, you got her to say yes to you. You must have had some game. there had to be some point. Think about all the effort and energy when you were trying to subdue,

because that's our command, subdue and cultivate. And we do real good at the subdue part, right? I mean, we track them, we stalk them, we study them, we do things. We would never do, go see the dumbest movies. Go see the notebook. Remember that? All of us my age got married on the notebook. Dumb old movie. I'd never go see that movie. Nothing blows up. No matter how tough you are, you feel like crying at the end, you be like, maybe when you go crazy, I'll still love you too. You make all these, eat frozen yogurt till your brain freezes out, all right? But ultimately, the reason she said yes to you

is because her fundamental question is this, am I lovely, am I valuable? And again, what she sees is that you have the ability to be creative and to lead and to be proactive and to pursue. And when we put all of that effort towards work or our hobbies, our dumb hobbies, or those kinds of things,

and we neglect them, it devalues them. So married men, go for it, all right? Ask her out on a date. Take a shower. She says his name smells like purified oil. Don't go smelling like two cycle oil because you just got off the boat. You understand? Value her.

Take her out. Married women. Don't be crusty. I'm telling you, if a guy gets lazy, Christian women just get inflexible. Right? Because I'm telling you, if he's got two working brain cells that are working together during this series, and he's got blood in his veins, and he's got a heart in his chest, and if he's got the Spirit of God in him, he's going to try. Because I'm trying to encourage him to try, and he's going to drive him today. He's going to be like, all right, baby, you don't go. You want to go on a date?

And listen, man, you get an opportunity to respond with encouragement there. Don't be like, well, I guess. I mean, last time you asked me out on a date was the last time we did Song of Solomon series, years ago, and I guess we'll go, but just go to the same place and wear the same thing. I don't ever care about it, just drip, drip, drip, drip. Mama, let me ask you this. How much fun are you to take out on a date? You can say out or amen, but it's just true. She is excited.

She's like, here he comes, bounding over the hills. She's coming to get me. She's excited about this. You see, the reality is that you will never neglect your relationship into that deep abiding marital friendship that God has in store for you. It takes lots of work. It takes lots of effort. The primary illustration that the Bible uses for the marriage relationship is a garden.

Nobody has ever neglected a garden into flourishing. Come on, we live in Florida. You've never neglected your yard into yard of the month. What happens? If you take your eyes off of your yard for a minute where we live. I mean, you've got to have sprays and fertilizers and professionals to help you. Because if you look and be like, I'd look like a little spot there, and then go on vacation and don't do it.

anything about it. You come back and what? You got to re-sod. You never neglect your yard into a thriving, flourishing yard, and the same is very true of a relationship. And progressive dating is where you will love your wife. If marriage is a picture of our relationship with Jesus, then dating is the picture of the Spirit of God pursuing and wooing us. Don't ever stop. You see, I told you a bunch times. Gregson and I met in the gym. And I would stand in there and talk to her when I first met her. She was actually engaged. And I thought, what's your man got to do with me?

So I had to work that out for a little while. And so we would just stand in the gym for like hours and just chat and chat and chat. Then she finally ditched that guy, you know, God bless him. And then we were just like friends, you know, we were just friends. But if she had another friend like me, I'd kill him. You know what I mean? That kind of friend. And we met in Roanoke, Virginia.

I was right out of seminary. and Roanoke's built in this valley, the Roanoke Valley, and there's two mountains on either side. One's called the Mill Mountain. I don't know what the other mountain is called. And on one of the mountain, the Mill Mountain, they had this star. They built this star. It's like a 30-foot, there it is. It lights up every night, and it overlooks the valley.

And we were talking about it, and the star came up, and she was like, you ever been to the star? And I was like, oh, what's that? What happens at the star? I know what the star was all about. I was a youth pastor. That's where high school and college kids would go up there and make out. That's what happened at the star. But when she says, you ever been to the star?

I never been there. What happens at the star? Sounds like a lovely place. Do you know the direction? Come away with me. Let's go to the star. And we were leaving straight from the gym, had a workout clothes on,

and it was like early December. It's kind of chilly, you know. We're going up there in the afternoon, and we get up to the star, and it's cold. It's colder than we expected. And she didn't have a jacket, and I had a sweatshirt on,

so I gave her my sweatshirt. You know why? Because men don't get cold. They're getting them on you. That's how that works. So she's got a lot. on my sweatshirt and you know we got plenty of room you saw the picture i mean this is like the size of the stage but we you know i was like i may have overplayed my chilliness and oh so chilly won't you

just we took about one square foot and there we are you know and eventually she turns around and we're talking and conversation's going great the silence is going great and at one point a shooting star no joke just boo and i thought all right lord's just winking at me and then i heard this little chchch over here and it was a buck and a doe just walking and some of you People would be like, Pastor, what do you think that means? And I remember thinking, that means I should put a tree stand right up here later, come back. Then after a little while, man, we looked at each other, and I was locked, and her head tilted one way,

and mine went the other way, and you know what happened? That's none of your business. But let me tell you what was happening. Is that I was saying, come away with me, and I was putting ourselves in proximity to one another exclusively whereby we could get to know one another. and I'm telling you, man, we met, and even to this day, I'm obsessed with that girl. I mean, obsessed with that girl. And so I told her, I mean, I would, we would go on like two dates a day.

I mean, we would. I would call her all the time. In fact, I was a youth pastor, so my schedule was a little more flexible, and I'd tell my boss, I'd be like, hey, I'm going to be out of the office working on my ministry. My ministry was Gretchen. I was trying to get her to marry me. That was my ministry. And there should be this kind of, like, fun to it, okay? there shouldn't be this excitement to it.

If you're a Christian, dating is an opportunity not to take but to serve. It's an opportunity to practice, Ephesians 521, to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Because ultimately a good marriage is a submission competition. You're trying to outdo one another. And if you date like this world tells us to date,

all you're doing is saying, are you good enough for me? And that sets you up as like a, an idol to be worshipped. And any time you idolize someone, when they let you down, you will demonize them. And that's what you'll take into your marriage. But as Christians, this is the opportunity not to ask, are you the one, but to ask yourself, can I be a husband or can I be a wife to you?

And so look what happens on their date, verse 14. Oh, my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the crannies of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice. Your voice is sweet and your face is. is lovely. Here's what he's doing. He takes her out and he says, all right, listen, darling, I'm going to create this safe environment and it's safe for you to come out. And notice, notice what he says. I want to see your face. I want to hear your voice. A part of what we're going to talk about next week is the problem. If dating is a process and not a status, when you add sex,

when you add physical intimacy into the dating process and you're not married, you hijack the whole discernment process. You hijacked the whole thing. You see, what he's saying is, I want to create that kind of environment where you can be you, and I want to learn who you are. I want to see your face, I want to hear your voice. The first actual date that Gretchen and I went out on. Again, I was a youth pastor, so I saved up for weeks, invited her to Chili's, took her out. You see, because I wanted to get to know her. And, like I said, she was coming out of this long relationship and I was coming out of a long relationship. I'd been dating a girl for about four years. And the problem was, is that in both of our relationships, the people they were going out with

in their own right, they were fine, they were, you know, good citizens and all of that. They just weren't quite right. And we both felt like we were spending an exorbit amount of energy to just, if we could just change these two or three major factors in their life, then they could work out with us. And have you ever tried to do that with anybody? The answer is yes, that's what you've try to do every time you dated somebody the world's way. And it's exhausting, isn't it? It's like training a puppy. Every time you take your eyes off, you'd be like, oh, I'm got to put the nose in it. Nope, don't do that anymore, okay? It's not good. And people should not be training other people. So there was all this frustration. So we're sitting at Chili's, and I said, all right,

Gretchen, what if we do this, okay? I know this sounds crazy, but what if? What if you don't try to date me? and I don't try to date you. And what I mean is this. Every time I've ever gone out with somebody, I only exposed to them the best things about me, and I try to hide all the things that are shameful that I would hide. And what if, what if you never fake it?

What if you never fake it? What if you, just be you, authentically you, and then I'll do the same. And if we did this, now this is crazy, it probably won't work out because the odds of this working out are really, really low. And if it doesn't work out, fine. I don't have a ton invested here. I think I can get out of tonight for about 40 bucks,

okay? Because I pre-ate before I ate a whole can of ravioli, so I would just get an appetizer, and you're insecure, so you ordered a salad. That's fine. I hear you stomach a gallon. Don't worry about it. So I think 40 bucks. I didn't even, I ordered a water, put sugar in a lemon in. Loom. Lillotine, that's how we roll. You understand. So, $40 is what I had invested. And then if we see each other in the gym, it might be a little bit awkward, but here's what you don't know. That's not even my normal gym time. I've been stalking you, and I I've been working out at a really inconvenient time for me, so I can just go back to my normal time.

I'll never see you again. So that's what we have on the line if it doesn't work out. But if it works out, and the real authentic you digs the real authentic me. We'll never have to fake it for the rest of our lives. And that's how we started. It was crazy.

You know what we did on our next date? On our next date, we confessed all kind of sin. That I would never tell anybody that I was trying to get to marry me. because everything I was telling her would disqualify me like crazy, things that I am ashamed of apart from the fact that, therefore now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ, Jesus. We just laid it all out on the table.

And we continue, we continue to date that way. So we were ridiculously honest with one another. And ultimately what we were doing is we put ourselves in environments where I would say, come on, I want to see your face. I want to hear your voice. And I want this to be the kind of place where I can tell you who I really am. Like my struggles and my temptations and the things that I'm excited about,

those kind of things. And next month we will be married for 21 years. Okay? 21 years, right? Now, and we have, I'm just telling you, she's my best friend on the planet. And I don't say that in some kind of goofy, you got to say that at church kind of thing.

I'm just telling you I like her better than I like you. I just do. My best friends are here. I love to hunt with them and do dumb stuff with them. And all of them are dumb compared to her. I'm just telling you I would rather be with her than any other thing. I feel more free with her.

And we date all the time. We go to the beach. There's a date for you. Just go to the beach. We live at the beach. People come from all over the world to sit on our beaches and we drive by them all the time. Just take a girl out there and plop a chair. And when we go, man, I still want to create the kind of environments where I can see her face and hear her voice.

I ask open-ended questions. If you can do anything for the glory of God, what would you do? What are you most afraid of? If you won the lottery, what would you just spend it on? And she'll say, well, we don't even play the lottery. I'm like, that's not the point. Well, we ain't going to play the lottery. Come on, answer the question.

That's what we do. And sometimes we do, we do like inexpensive dates. Let me tell you what we're into right now. Man, Wednesday afternoons, our church has this thing called student ministry. It's incredible. And they make disciples and all that's fine. I don't even care what they do here. I can drop my kids off for like two and a half hours and be gone.

I'm telling you, I wish they made a lock-in every Wednesday night. I'm going to talk to somebody. Start at three, pick up at midnight. That's what I want to do. And we drop them off, and we do happy hour because it's cheap. We're in there with all the old people. Everybody in there, they're having dinner, and we're just hanging out on these Wednesday dates. The other thing is that Fridays, thank God we live in Florida, where kids go to school.

And on Fridays, our children are in school, and I have a day off, and we just have Friday dates. And it's great, man. We just getting these kind of environments where we know each other. And sometimes, man, sometimes we ball out, man. Sometimes, you know, I save up and make a reservation and get like a nice steakhouse and roll in there. And I'm telling you, part of the reason I do it is I just want to value her. Take a shower, put on a, like, I tuck my shirt in for dates, put a jacket on. Y'all wouldn't even recognize me.

I can get in and out of there without anybody saying hey to me. It looks like Joby, but he's too dressed up. And so, I do, and I valet. I feel so weird, I pull up. I'm like, I can't believe I'm about to give you $6 to part of my truck right there. It's 19 steps. but it just feels awesome when the guy opens the door for her and she gets out, you know? And then we sit down and did you know there are restaurants in Jacksonville without televisions?

Did you know that, fellas? You got to research it. And I try to get in the corner, it's just me and her, and I order wine. I'm just going to be honest, I'm not even that into wine. I'm not. Some people are way, I'm not anti it. But on the date, man, I order some, I textpedia and be like, all right, what should I get? And he tells me, and I order it, and I swirl it around, sniff it.

Okay? Because this romantic, that's just what we do, man, it's what we do. And I hear some people, some people are like, yeah, but pastor, we can't really do that because we got kids. Oh, bless you. Listen, you know one of the worst things that you can do for your children is raise them in an environment where they believe the world revolves around them? One of the best things in the life of my kids is on a pretty consistent basis. We look at them and they say, where are y'all going? We're going out.

Where are you going? To your favorite restaurant. Can we come? not. No. And don't even call me. 9-1-1. If you need me, call 9-1-1. We ain't even talking to you, okay? Because you don't, and I'm not, man, we are not perfect. I'm not trying to hold us up as the primo example, but I'm just telling you, the Bible says rejoice in the wife of your youth. And I'm telling you, I got a good one, and I rejoice in it, man. We have a good time together. That does not happen by accident. It doesn't happen by accident. And again, again, if you've been

neglecting it for a decade or so. Ladies, if he turned, if he's trying to change direction because the Spirit of God is convicting him right now and he asked you out on a date this week, okay, just help him. Remember, he's like a puppy. He will repeat what is rewarded. So you just, whatever he gets right, just Hercules, Hercules. And then you might be like, hey, maybe next time we could go to a place where they don't bring the food to the window. We might could go in.

You just help him along, okay? Whatever it is. See, because the process of dating is really a process of discernment. And you're discerning who this person is, and can you be a husband or wife to this person? I can't tell you the number of times that 1122 single girl has come up to me. Pastor Jobie, I met the one. I'm like, okay, let's talk about that for a second. She goes, well, I love him.

That's great. What do you love about him? Oh, I love him. I heard you. What do you love about him? I love the way he makes me feel. You just said, I love me. and he's a means to that end.

What do you love about him? Well, we have a song. Oh, God. Okay. You're putting yourself in this kind of environment where it's safe for you to reveal who you are in their presence. Verse 15, catch the foxes for us,

the little foxes that spoil the vineyard. For our vineyards are in blossom. Dating is not the time to avoid conflict. Dating is not the time to avoid conflict. Dating is the time. time for you to practice solving problems together. Because the reality is this. Listen, I used to do a lot more premarital counseling and I would sit with a couple and I'd be like, all right, tell me about your biggest fight. And I'd be like, oh, Lord, help you. I'd pick one for them. You understand? I would

dig in there and just have them disagree about a thing. Because here's the thing, man, when you're asking the question, is he the right one? There's only one right man. His name is Jesus. Everybody else is wrong. Everybody else is sinful. No one is moving ready. Everyone is a fixer-upper. I hope you realize that. And the Bible in Song of Solomon is going to give us one chapter on the honeymoon and two chapters on how to fight. Don't tell me God doesn't know what he's talking about, right? Married people. And what they do is they are practicing solving problems together. The couple joins up and I think they're calling out to God. Lord, help us catch the little foxes. There are some issues in our relationship that are eating the buds before they bloom. And so it's us

against that issue. So make sure, make sure, make sure in your dating, it is not a time to avoid conflict. It's time to learn how to have healthy conflict. And then look how it closes. My beloved is mine and I am his. You see, they are moving towards oneness. This is a countercultural idea in our society. In God's economy, one plus one and the covenant of marriage equals one. It's not independent. It's not codependent. It's interdependent. You're moving from me and you to us. This is the direction they're going. He grazes among the lilies. You don't have to be in a hurry here, okay? You don't have to be in a hurry. Verse 17, until the day breathes in the shadows flee, turn my beloved and be like a gazelle or a young stag on cleft mountains. Let me tell you what that means.

The ESV translates it cleft mountains. Literally in Hebrew, it says, let my beloved be like a gazelle or a young stag on the mountains of Beather. In Hebrew, the word beather means separation or twins? She's saying, after a long date, where he has created this safe environment and says, I want to see your face, I want to hear your voice. And she's like, why don't you come like a young stag on the twin mountains? And you're saying, Pastor, what does that mean? It means exactly what you think it means. Okay? I know. So, singles, Let me tell you, what we're never going to see, what we're never going to see in the Song of Solomon

or anywhere in Scripture is anytime these feelings of attraction towards physical intimacy well up in people, you're never going to see God come in and slap their hands and say, how dare you feel that way? In fact, God designed it that way. And so be here next week, because what we're going to talk about is sexual immorality because sex is for married people.

Not used to be married, not going to be married, not married my heart. There's no such thing. Married people. a covenant between a husband, a wife, and God. And so sex is like, it's a gift. It's a gift from God. For procreation, praise God. Kids are a blessing.

And recreation, amen. And so the question we're going to deal with next week is not, where's the line? Like how far, what can we do? No. The question is, when's the time? Now, married people, I want you to see this. Married people, when you go on a date, this is the natural direction of the date. it's not the appetizer it is the dessert and so if you're married i would say i would quote james

the brother of jesus be ye not merely hearers of the word but do what it says and i know some of you visiting are like martha we found our church this is the best church i've ever been to in my whole life all right come back next week here's the point whether you're married or single our world's way of dating is hook up shack up break up repeat hook up shack up break up repeat that's what this is what this world offers us. And if you date the way the world tells you to date, you are practicing for your divorce. You are.

Because it's all about me. It's all about take. It's all about prove that you're worthy to be with me. It is a despond of selfishness with a back door wide open in case you get a better offer. That's what this world has to offer. But God's way is to pursue. It is to progress, to put yourself in the kind of environments

where you can get to know each other. It is to propose. I want to make a covenant with you for the rest of my life. And then period, until death do us part. Now, one of the things, especially in January, you hear some churches talk about, which is super legit, is they'll say things that we're going to take our city for Christ.

We're going to take Florida for Christ. We're going to take the country for Christ and come up with some serious evangelistic strategies of how to takeover for Jesus. Do you know what Jesus in the Gospel of John said? The number one best evangelistic strategy would be in this world? He said this. They will know, the world will know.

They will know that we are Jesus followers by the way we love one another. You want to change Jacksonville? You want to change our country? You know where you start? You start in your home. Can you imagine how this city would be different if every believer in the city submitted to one another, their spouses, submitted to one another out of reverence for Christ.

If every believer in this city loved his wife as Christ loved the church, and every wife in this city graciously submitted and encouraged her husband, let me tell you what would happen. The people that we work with, the people that we do life with, the people that we see all over the city, way before they believed what we believed, they would want what we have. They would say, how do you do that?

And singles, can you imagine? if every Christian man at 1122 treated every woman that he went out with, he treated her like a daughter of the most high king, and he didn't just try to take, take, take, take, take like a little boy. But he stood up and he acted like a man, and he honored and valued every woman here in Jacksonville. Let me tell you what would happen. Atheist dads would start praying or wishing or whatever an atheist does. And they would start wishing. I may not believe what these people believe, but I hope my daughter marries one of them. because it's just different.

That's God's standard for us. That's God's standard for us. Man, one of the great privileges of pastor in this church is I've got to meet some awesome people. And I want to tell you about one of my heroes. And you may think, when I say a hero of mine, you may think, is he a preacher? He's never preached a sermon that I know of.

Is he a church planner? Nope. He helped me build a church one time. He's never planted one. He's not a theologian. I doubt he's ever read a theological book, ever. He's a builder. The same, Scott Putnam.

He's 59 years old. He's been married to Tina for about 35 years. And when you meet this guy, you don't, you don't, I mean, he's super fun dude, but he's tough as nails too. He's tough as, he's one of those kind of dudes. Fellas, you don't know what I'm talking about. When you shake his hand, you're like, what are you trying to hurt me? What are you doing?

His hand is like concrete. When I shake it, I feel like the big, I mean, I'm a relatively tough guy, and I feel like I'm putting my hand up there for a man. Hey, will you just get the nail? You know, it's terrible. I shake his big old hand. I'm like, good, great. It's like a bear paw, okay?

And when you'd meet him, you wouldn't automatically think, well, this fellow oozes tenderness. I mean, he's a good old boy. He's got more guns and he's got fingers. He gets his groceries with a shotgun or a stick in the string. Like, he's just a good old boy. Drives a big old truck, all this kind of things. I like him, okay? Tough as nails.

But when I see him around his wife, Tina, they're like, they're like newlyweds all the time all the time i mean they walk around holding hands and he's got his arm around her and everywhere i go they're there together just enjoying one another and when i see them i think that's what i want to be like that's my goal that's what i want to be like and the other thing that's crazy is he has adult children and about a million grandkids and they all want to hang out with when he and tina and in my mind that's success in this world that after you've been married 30, 40, 50 years, that you still doad over one another

and your adult kids actually want to talk to you in real life. And he does, man. And listen, man, that's my goal. That's my goal. I can't wait until me and Gretchen are just old people, right? Just sitting at the crackle barrel, just sharing teeth. It's getting eaten the pancakes, whatever we do. You know, I'll prop her up on my walker, take her wherever she wants to go, man.

That's the goal, isn't it? And I told Scott I was going to mention him in the sermon, and he hates it, man. He's like, man, don't tell nobody about me. And I said, dude, I don't ask you permission. So he sent me this text. And I did not ask permission, and I don't. If you text me, it's sermon material. Just know that, okay, warning to you.

And here's what he texted. He says, I feel really guilty that you want to mention me when you talk about dating. I'm the world's worst at taking Tina out on dates. But I do try to make her feel like she's the most important person in my life because she is. I try to do the little things, like open doors for her. I send her a text every morning just to say I love you. I never leave the house without kissing her goodbye. I tell her I love her often and I try to compliment her a lot.

I try to keep doing the things I did when we started dating and I think that's why we've been married for now 35 wonderful years. And for all the things I do for her, she does them for me too. Is this not the goal? Here's what I would say you. that that is God's standard for marital love. And so anything outside of that is abnormal for what God has for you.

And so listen, man, you see what Scott did, it Scott rejected the way of this world. And Scott pursued and continues to pursue. And he progresses the relationship and he continues to progress. And he proposed, put a ring on it, and then said, period, till death do us apart. And so this is God's standard for us.

Single men, cowboy up. Be a man. Ask her out on a date and honor her throughout the process. Single women, do not lower the bar. Only Jesus can complete you and fulfill you. Married folks. If marriage is a picture of God's love towards us, then the way we continuously pursue one another

and are excited about one another, and we put ourselves in environments where our relationship continuously grows. It is a picture of God's relentless pursuit of his children. In 1122, if we can begin to line up our relationship lives the way the scriptures lay it out, we have no idea the kind of impact we will have in this city. Would you please stand and let me pray for us? Our good and gracious, Heavenly Father, God, I thank you. that we can love you because you first loved us. Lord, I pray, Spirit of God,

that you would comfort and convict the singles here. Lord, first and foremost, they would find their identity in you. And, God, I pray that they would just run the race that you have marked out for them. And then, God, they would pay attention to who you place before them. And God, I pray for the people that have been married for a long time or a short time.

And Lord, I pray, I pray that people, people would change direction that husbands would go to their wives and they would say, I am sorry, I value you more than all the other things in my world, second only to my relationship with Jesus. And then God, you would give, you would give wives this forgiving spirit and they would rediscover one another in light of your love for us. Holy Spirit, I pray, I pray, I pray that you would be a balm of Gilead to people that any time we talk about dating, it equals hurt. Lord, I pray that you would meet them right where they are

and that you would let them know that you are always with them. You never left them. You would never forsake them. And God, I pray for the marriages at 1122. I pray that our marriages, not that we're perfect, but it would be a shining light in a dark world of what love looks like. We pray this in Jesus' name. Amen. Church, we respond to the gospel. It's what we do. We sing. We're going to join our voices together. And ultimately, a big part of what this song says is I'm not going to build my life on the trappings of this world. I'm going to build my life on the good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ. And so when we sing it, we sing it like we mean it because we mean it. And we're going to bring our ties and our offerings as an act of worship. If you're a regular here, most of us do

that digitally through the app. And we're going to pray. We're going to pray. Whether you need direction in your relationship life, whether you need the comfort of the spirit in your relationship life, I would invite you to come and kneel before our God and king who says, cast all your cares upon him because he cares for you. So let us sing, let us bring, let us pray. Let's respond.