The Church of Eleven22 - Wk 3: Husband and Wife

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

Wives, submit to your own husband. Submission means to “make your husband feel like the man.” Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:21-24, 33

Amen and amen. If you got your Bibles, and I hope you do, Ephesians Chapter 5, and even if you're the kind of person that doesn't normally open your Bible when I say do that, I don't know what's wrong with you. However, this week I need you to do it. Get out your phone, go to it, get the Bible in front of you, because I need you to see that these words are actually written. I'm not making this stuff up, okay?

We're just going to read straight from the text, and we are going to talk about husbands and wives. We're in this series called As for Me Me in My House. It goes all the way back to the book of Joshua, when Joshua, the leader of the nation of Israel at that point, at the end of his life, he takes the nation of Israel to this place called Shechem. The hill of blessings on one side. The hill of cursing is on one side.

If you ever come to Israel with me, I'll take you there. And he draws a line in the sand for the nation of Israel. And he says, choose for yourself this day whom you will serve. And he lays out one of two options. And one of the options is you can serve the idols that your father served, but as for me and my house we will serve the Lord. And a part of what I need you to know here is when he made that declaration, it was late in his life. There were probably hundreds of people in his family, well over a hundred at least.

And he is declaring the faithfulness of God in his house. That's what this series has been. That not only in our own household would we follow Jesus, but this house, as for me and my house, as for us and our church family, the Lord's house, we will serve the Lord's house. we will serve the Lord, amen? It is a declaration of the faithfulness of God. This year, we've been talking about abundant life because we're in this two-year journey called the 10-10 life.

And the reason that we've done this series right now, as for me in my house, is because how many of you know some people that love Jesus, but their home life's a dumpster fire? It's hard to live the abundant life if it ain't good at home, amen? I'll say it this way. If mama ain't happy? nobody's happy that's a fact that's what the bible is going to allude to and god's plan for you

god's best for you is that you would honor god if you're single that you would honor god with the gift that you have as kids and that your marriage would honor god and we have a thief an enemy and he only comes to steal kill and destroy and one of the targets that he has been coming after from the beginning of human history is our marriages. I don't know if you've ever thought about this, but the way the Bible starts, there's a marriage, then there's a war. The way the Bible ends is there's a war, then there's a marriage. There's a wedding feast.

It's a really, really big deal. That marriage was God's idea. Marriage is God's idea. Marriage is a gift from God. It is the primary picture in the Bible of God's covenant love between himself and his people. the church. And so no wonder the enemy has been attacking marriage. And not just out there in that crazy world, but attacking marriage inside the church. Listen, the thief can try to redefine it, but God gets to decide what marriage is. The Supreme Court does not have the last word on what

marriage is. They didn't make it up. They didn't invent it. God invented marriage. Our flesh can try to twist what marriage is into some kind of ultimate form of selfishness and idolatry what happens. but God uses our marriage for sanctification. And the world can try to diminish marriage and say, well, it's just a piece of paper. It's not that big a deal. But God in his word says that it's a big deal. It's a covenant, not a contract between a man, a woman, and the God of the universe who made them. That's what marriage is.

So what does an abundant marriage look like? Ephesians chapter 5 is going to explain it in great detail. God's purpose for marriage, the role of husband, the role of wife, wife and the role of the Almighty God in our marriage. If you back up to verse 15, chapter 5, verse 15, Paul makes a shift here. The book of Ephesians is really divided into two sections. The first half is the gospel. The second half is the application of the gospel in our lives.

In verse 15, he says, look carefully then how you should walk. Not as unwise, but as wise, making the best use of the time because the days are evil. And then he's going to look at how we live wisely in your marriage, and how to raise kids and at work. That's what he does. Then you get down to verse 21, this is a very important verse. It says, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. So before he tells us how to be husband and wife and how to be parents and how to work together,

he says the banner over all of this is what we would call mutual submission. Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. So first of all, I would say this. If you don't revere Christ, I don't know how to tell you to be married. If you don't know Jesus, I don't know how to tell you to be married. I'm not saying you can't be married. There's a lot of people that are married that don't know Jesus. And it's just kind of a crapshoot.

Hopefully you chose wisely. Hopefully, like, your personalities line up and you learn some good communication skills. But what the Bible says is that husbands and wives are to be, pay attention to this, especially husbands, mutually submitted to your spouse as unto the Lord. Another way to say this, let me just put this on the bottom shelf for people like me. You know what a good marriage is founded on? A really good friendship. Under the authority of Jesus.

Because you know what really good friends do? Really good friends defer to one another. You know what submission? Submission's an attitude. Submission is when I make your deal a bigger deal than my deal. That's what it is. It's not like somebody's greater than and less than. That's not what it is.

But you know, the people that you like to hang out with the most in your life are the people that treat you and defer to you with honor and respect. They do. Really good friends treat each other that way. And what we have been called to do is put Jesus in the middle and then act like it. Because if he is the Lord of your life, husband and wife, the closer you draw to him, the closer you will draw to one another, submitting to one another out of reverent. for Christ. This is not manipulation. This is not a hostage negotiation. This is not about how you can be

served by the other person. It is primarily how I can lower myself, can humble myself, and submit to my spouse. Why? This is a crazy thing to think about. Because Christ submitted himself to us. And you're like, what? Yes. The Holy One, the second person of the Trinity. God Almighty, sovereign and in control. you know what he did. He made your deal a bigger deal than his deal. We had a sin problem, amen. And you know what he did? He stepped off of his throne, took off the crown, laid down the diadem, was born in a manger,

dressed himself in humility and humanity, lived a perfect life, and then submitted and surrendered himself to the will of God so that you and I could be reconciled unto the Father. And because of that, that is what is supposed to drive our marriages. Not what I'm getting out of it, not what she's getting out of it, but that we submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Then you get to verse 22. It says, wives. All right, wives, you ready for this?

Lean in, okay, you love this. I know you love this. Your favorite verse in the Bible. I'm sure some of you have it, this bedazzled on a sweatshirt or something, okay? Did you know, every time the Bible talks about what's called the household code, like how husbands and wives are supposed to get along, it always starts with the wife. You know why? Because you are the thermostat in your house.

You set the temperature in your house. Again, I've said it before. If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy. This is what Paul is saying. Not in those exact words, but this is what he means. So he says, wives. And for the next few verses, he's going to talk to you. Which, by the way, one of the things I would encourage you, when you read the Bible,

you should pay attention to the verses that are talking to you. And you should not quote verses that are about somebody else to somebody else. So husbands, if you're quoting wife verses, it's already over, bro. You lost. Tap out, okay? It's over. So what I decided to do is to actually bring a wife up here on stage, not my wife. But you don't have to be a thing to teach the Bible, okay?

The Bible can stand on its own authority. But I thought it would just be a really good idea for all of us in the room. to hear what these verses mean from the perspective of a wife. So would you please welcome to the stage, Tanya Annas. Tanya is a member of our staff. Tanya's been married to Ben for 22 years. He's sitting right over here. Ben was on staff with us for a while.

Now Ben works for Compassion International, so he is near and dear to our hearts. Tanya's been on staff for six and a half years. She runs our 1825 ministry. If you're not involved in that and you're that age, you should be. And she'll be here in the lobby afterwards if you want information. She's got three sons. Micah Gabriel Gideon.

She graduated from Furman. Go paladins. Go paladins. And she's awesome. And so we're going to hear from Tanya. Give it up from Tanya one more time. Now, all right, Tanya. Let's read the Bible together, okay?

I love this. I love that. I don't have to preach on these verses right now. This is going to be awesome for me. Ready, wives, submit to your own husbands. Thought I'd get an amen there. No? Okay, no problem.

Wives, not from a man, dummy, all right? There'll be a time of confession and repentance at the end of the service. If you're not here, you're in trouble. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior now as the church submits to Christ. So also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Well, that sounds delightful. So fun.

Well, tell us all about it. Yeah. So this was one of those verses that I used to think, you know, it probably would be very much. easier if it just wasn't there. However, if I believe that every word in this scripture is true, then that's true as well. And so I need to pay attention to it. And as I began to dig in and lean into this scripture, I realized what Pastor Joby just talked about, that this one scripture is a part of a much bigger narrative, that we got to look at the scripture in the context of Ephesians and the context of all of scripture and in the context of which it was written.

I think sometimes we just hear that and we start and stop there. But the Lord is saying, come to me, lean in, hear from my word. And submission is a lifestyle of all believers. And so when it turns and says, wives, submit to your own husbands, it's an opportunity to lean in and first ask the question, what is submission and what is submission not? And so I'm going to start with what submission is not. So submission is not inherent inferiority. It is not about value.

It's not about being. It's not submission to all men. It's not submission to all husbands. If you're a single woman, it's not submission to a boyfriend, maybe one day possibly husband. It is not about suppression or control. It's not deny who you are, wives. It's not get smaller or be passive. It's not ignore the gifts and the calling and the abilities that God has given you.

And submission doesn't look identical in all marriages. It's going to look different based on the needs of your household. Submission, it's not about our husbands being required to make all of the decisions. However, as the head of our household ordained by God, he will be held accountable to all of the decisions that are made in our household. And submission is not putting the will of our husbands above the will of God. So those are just a few of the things. Submission is not.

Now, what is submission? Submission, first and foremost, it is an act of obedience to God. It is free and voluntary. There is a choice that we make when it comes to submission. We've heard Pastor Jobi say it before that submission is not submission until you disagree. So when the disagreement arises wives, we get to decide how we're going to respond in that moment.

submission it is an invitation to our husbands to lead it requires grace it requires forgiveness it requires strength submission is issued to the wives husbands are never told to tell their wives their wives to submit as we've already heard so it's issued to the wives and submission it's about roles and functions god delegates authority to this the husbands for the flourishing and for the health of everybody under that household. So as we begin to understand a little bit more about what submission is and what submission is not, we begin to recognize that the command to submit to our own husband's wives, it's not about being the supportive little woman.

It is about sending our men out into the world with the knowledge that they have what whatever it takes to conquer whatever comes their way with Christ as their foundation and that we believe in them. It is not for me to view myself as less than or smaller, but rather to be a reflection of the gospel in my husband's life. Submission is to build up and enable my husband and our household to flourish. So in the beginning, God created male and female. He created same and different and God looked around at all of creation and he said, it is good, it is good, it is good, and he gets to Adam and he says, it is not good for man to be alone. And he says, let us create a helper suitable. And now what he's saying there is not let's create a lesser skilled individual

to help the most more skilled laborer. What he's saying and the word that is used there is an Azar Kinecto. And an Azar is someone who stands side by side face to face, It's an essential compliment. It is someone who contends for and contends with her husband. It's a high calling that we have as wives. And the challenge that tends to arise for me, and I suspect for many of you wives, the challenge when it comes to the call to submit to my own husband is when I want to submit based on his behavior as my husband.

That's when the challenge comes up. the position of head of household was given to my husband by God, even if he doesn't fulfill that in his actions or his role. What I can't control is how well or how poorly he does as my husband. What I can control is how I will respond as his wife, as God has called me. Around here we say a lot of times that we are a movement for all people to discover and deepen a relationship in Christ. That's what we're about. and it matters a ton, no matter what season you find yourself in.

But I will say as a wife, it matters so much because when I know where my value, where my worth comes from, when I understand that God is the only one who can complete me, then his love unlocks submission in my life. And in Christ, I'm free to walk alongside of my husband in humility and in love to encourage his flourishing and what God has called him to. And when I know who the Lord is and I know who I am and truth of that, I don't have to fear submission. If I know and trust God, I can trust him with my marriage.

Amen. Amen. So 21 says submitting to one another out of reference for Christ. And then I think what's happening here in the text is in 25 in following, it's going to say, husbands, here's how you do this. And then to the wives, in 22 and following, it's like, and here's what it looks like for you. By the time you get to verse 33, it says wives respect your husbands.

So what does it mean for the wife to respect her husband? Yeah, so respect is an expression of submission. When Paul writes this passage, what he's doing is he's getting at this core question that men and women walk around with. I think women, we walk around a lot of times wanting to know, am I loved? Am I valuable? Am I lovely? And the person that we need to answer that question the most, first off, is the Lord.

But then we need to hear that from our husband. We want to know, husband, would you choose me all over again if you had to do it again? And men, wives, men walk around every day going, do I have what it takes? Do I measure up? And they're not just asking that question at home. They're asking that question at work. They're asking that question with their friends. They're asking that question all day long.

And so when Paul gives us this piece of scripture, he's saying, hey, wives, here is how you can love your husband according to how God has created him. And then the same for husbands. Here's how you can love your wife according to how God has created her. And so as wives, when we are told, see that we respect our husband, we've been given this incredible helpful instruction that holds, it holds responsibility, it holds opportunity, and it holds power. As wives, we can build up or we can tear down our husbands.

We can strengthen or we have the power to hobble in a way that goes far beyond what happens only in our household. It will reach out into every area of his life. Men equate respect with love because what it does is it answers the question, do I have what it takes? Do I measure up? when we hear this thing happy life happy wife i used to kind of just chuckle and roll my eyes but i've realized what it means at the heart of it is men judge their success in the household based on the happiness

of their wife that is at the root of it and so as we lean in or as i leaned into this i got to this point where i kind of had a moment where i went uh-oh he was right all along he's been telling me how to communicate with him and i didn't believe him because i was looking at it from my wiring. And I've learned, you know, in my marriage, I can't just wait for him to get it right first. God has given me a focus. And so I have a role in this marriage that is not dependent on his role. It's dependent on what the Lord has called me to. And at this point, I think sometimes the question can arise. There's two responses that might happen when we hear wives see that you respect your husband. One response might be, but what if I don't?

respect him. And maybe, there may be seasons that some of you in this room are walking in where that feeling of respect is much harder to get to. And so respect, first and foremost, is a reflection of our trusting God. It's not about a feeling. But maybe you find yourselves in your marriage in this crazy cycle where he is not extending respect and therefore you're not giving love and then he is not, sorry, flip that around. He's not giving love, you're not extending respect, and then the cycle just continues, and one of you has to choose to get off of that.

Feelings, follow our actions. So if your response is, but what if I don't respect him, it might be an opportunity to think about, what are you thinking about when you think about your husband? How are you talking about him? How are you talking to him? It could be that you're in a season of marriage

where additional resources are needed. Ben and I have done marriage counseling. We talk about it regularly of, is this a time what we need to do it again? There are seasons when extra help is needed. And then also, respect, it's not passivity. And so if there is a lack of emotional or physical safety at home wives, it might mean that respect for your husband looks like setting boundaries and beginning to fight for your marriage.

Not with your husband, but for your marriage. And then other wives, we say, but I do respect my husband. So check, right? I've done it. Me too. I respect my husband. However, as many times as I may tell him that, I can accidentally communicate something different.

And so what I'm going to do is I'm going to help you wives out as I was preparing. I thought, gosh, would somebody just tell me what this looks like? So wives, I'm going to give you six ways that you can express respect to your husband. And I'm going to move a little bit fast on this. Number one, wives, we can respect his judgment, his knowledge, his opinions, his decisions. When it comes on calling on his opinion on something that I don't have information about already, it's really easy to defer to his judgment. The strength comes when I defer, even when I think I already know the answer.

Our husbands, we can trust their judgment. They're not our children. So we don't tell, we don't instruct, we don't order. I did not write this part. It's for her. And I also want to say, as I'm going down this list, I'm the worst. I am the worst. There are things on here that daily I go, uh-oh, I'm doing it, and I'll still do it. So I have not figured it out. The Lord just has revealed much of the areas in where I'm missing the mark. We can trust his judgment by giving weight to what he thinks is important, listening.

moms, he loves your kids too. He may not do it like you do, but he loves your kids too. Number two, the second way we can respect our husbands. We can respect his abilities and his accomplishments. We can trust him to figure it out. When we say things like, but I just want to help, we may be communicating distrust. Or I'm just trying to understand, I do that a lot, may be communicating distrust. The act of trusting him in the small things is an act of trusting him in the big things. We can call out his giftings.

When we see something that our husband is gifted at and wired for, let's tell him. Let's respect his abilities and accomplishments. Number three, respect and communication. No matter what we think we are saying, in the end, what matters is what he is hearing. So is he hearing disrespect? is he hearing disappointment?

Is he hearing an attack? 93% of communication is nonverbal. It goes far beyond the words that we say. So are you rolling your eyes? Am I being short with my answer? Do I cross my arms? Do you avoid eye contact? Wives, here's a question that I have to ask myself,

do you smile at your husband? Smile at him because you delight in the man that God has given you in the covenant of marriage. Number four, we can express respect in public. The way we communicate respect in our marriage and in our home, it matters. It also matters in public whether he is with us or not. Teasing our husbands can be maybe a fun little thing that we do every now and then, but be careful, because if we are teasing our husbands about something

that he may feel like he should be able to do as a provider, it can be extremely painful. The way we talk about our spouse shapes our feelings. It shapes our emotions towards our spouse. Number five, we can respect his needs. Our husbands need a place where they can feel like they're not just

one misstep away from blowing it. As we said, they walk around all day going to do what it takes. And so in the household, they need to know that they're not just going to blow it at any little turn. So they need space to be themselves. Our husbands need space to think about nothing. I don't know how it's possible, but I've been told it's true. They need space to think about nothing. Again, all day long,

they're trying to prove that they've got what it takes. So when they come home and they just need a minute, give them a minute. Me too. I have to do that. Our husbands, they need to provide. and that need to provide, it is wired into them. And wives, it's not just they need to provide the basics. They actually want to provide what we want. The caution is, are we communicating that we care more about the things than we do how hard they work to provide it? Our husband's wives, they need to be wanted.

When we see his sexual needs, as purely physical, then we may begin to see it as optional. Our husbands want to be desired by us, and they need it. And then I'd ask this question, are the needs that you are meeting for your husband, the needs that he needs met? With Ben and I, he does not need me to make dinner every night. Praise the Lord, because that is my least favorite place to be and do is cook,

so thank you. But what he needs is for me to come and sit down with him. and to gauge in conversation and to talk, not just be near, but to engage in time with him. So wives, are you meeting the needs that your husband needs met? Great conversation on the way home. Number six, be laughing. I know why I would be laughing because sometimes I know what he's going to say, and if I'm honest, I don't want to hear it because I know that I might not want to do it.

But wives, that is an expression of trust in the Lord. Number six, we can respect our husbands in our assumptions. When we assume he needs to be reminded, what he hears is, I don't trust you. Instead of assuming that he is choosing not to help, maybe we start with the assumption that he doesn't see it. I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret. I did an experiment with my husband one time. He has this habit of leaving cups around the house, and I've heard that. this might be a common thing.

But I did this experiment where I thought, you know what, there's a cup sitting on that mantle. I'm going to see how long it takes for him to notice that cup. It was a really disappointing experiment. I was the only one in the experiment. He never noticed the cup. So now is it more important that he picks up his cup or that I show that I trust him and love him?

And I just pick up an extra cup. Thanks for letting me share a secret. How about instead of assuming that he's being offensive, perhaps he's being defensive. Did I come in the house stressed out? Did I come in already shouting out orders about what needed to get done in the home? Maybe he's being, you know, protective and not coming at me. He's responding to how I came in.

And then the last assumption that I'll share is don't assume the worst. Begin with the assumption that he has good intentions towards you. Before you seek to be understood, what if we seek to understand? seek to understand where he's coming from in the situation. Respect is a noun and a verb. It's an action and an attitude. So I know that I know a bit of your story because we hired you to run 1825 and you're crushing it. You're doing a great job.

Thank you. And so I know that a part of your story getting from Georgia to hear was you living out submission and respect. That's what sat you in the seat. you're in. Could you tell us a little bit about that personally? Sure. About nine years ago, Ben came to me and he just said some things. He felt like the Lord was calling us to something potentially different. And honestly, in that season, everything was going really well. We lived very close to my family, his family was not too much further. I was in ministry and it was going pretty awesome. There was no reason to say it's time to move. But he kept saying this to me and eventually

I was like, okay, I'm going to pray this with you. And so we began praying, God, we just want to be where you want us. And about a year into praying that prayer, I realized I had not fully put my yes on the table in that prayer because I thought, why would he call us anywhere else? And so after a year of praying, we just want to be where you want us. I had to add on. And if it's not here, God, would you make me willing? And so I followed my husband's lead in that prayer, and after two years of praying that, some dear friends of ours who are part of this church, the Maxwell's,

Sean called and said, Hey, Ben, I'd like you to come check out this opportunity at the church that we're a part of. And we knew about 1122. We'd heard about it from the beginning. And so Ben came down, and he interviewed, and the Lord made a way where he was offered an opportunity to come on staff. and I remember we were out somewhere, I think, in North Carolina, and Ben looked at me and he said, they've offered me the position, and I said, we're moving.

And there wasn't a lot of debate. We just knew that the Lord had called us to it because we had spent two years before the Lord, laying at his feet. And so when this opportunity came, what we knew was that our family was called to come to Jacksonville. We knew that Ben was called to come be a part of the staff at 1122. I knew that I was stepping out of over 13 years of vocational ministry and that I didn't know what would be next. And so for the next three years, I kind of just said yes to what the Lord called me to.

And I wrestled through a couple of questions. I wrestled through the question, God, I know you're good, but are you good to me? And God, I know you have a purpose, but do you have a purpose for me? and if I never get to do the thing that I think you have made me to do again, are you enough? Are you enough, God? And I share those questions because I suspect husband-wife, single, dating, married, whatever your season, those may be questions that you find yourself needing to lean into as well.

Do you really believe he is good? Do you really believe he has a purpose? and if all the things that you thought maybe one day never happen, is he enough? And after three years, the Lord and his kindness opened up an opportunity for a ministry that when we moved here, we said, we'll never ever do. Three years later, I was invited to step into an opportunity with 1825 ministry, and it's just been the kindness of the Lord. But it did all start nine years ago with a prayer and listening to the voice of my

husband. Amen. And you're crushing it and you just crushed it. Can we say thank to Tanya Annas? Thank you, thank you, thank you. All right, husbands. Husbands, get your Bibles out, get your pins out. We're not done. We could just pray and leave, right? Wouldn't that be great? Husbands, if you weaponize Tanya's words this afternoon, you're a loser, okay? Don't do that. Verse 25, Paul shifts to husbands. Now listen, we're One of the things I would highly encourage you to do is when you're reading these verses is you get really focused on the ones written to you. See, actually, husbands and wife loves these verses. We just love what the verses say about our spouse. Husbands love the part about wives submission. Wives love the part about sacrificial leadership from the husband. But we need to use this book primarily as a mirror, not a microscope to look at other people, okay? Husbands. Earlier when it was talking to the wives, it did say that the husband is the head. of the house. So the reality is, brothers, if you're a husband, you are the head.

You'll either be a good one or you'll be a bad one. There's only one of three options that's going to lead your house. Either you will lead your house in your flesh, which doesn't go good. It usually comes out in chauvinism or abuse. Or God will lead your house the way he has designed it. Or the devil will lead your house, period. Think about this. When Adam and Eve are in the garden,

enemy attacks, and who does he attack? He first goes after Eve, and you know what Adam does? Nothing. That's the problem, and oftentimes it's still the problem. If you, husbands, if you don't take responsibility for your home, the devil will gladly step into your place and take responsibility for your home. This is probably why he is attacking Mary's the way he is. Now listen. He says, husbands love your wives, as Christ love the church and gave himself up for her. Now, when we hear today, in the 2023, when we hear husbands love your wife, that does not sound radical to us at all. The radical part is what we just heard about wives submit to your husband. In the first century, when Paul was writing this, you know what the radical part was?

In the first century, when women couldn't vote, when women couldn't speak in court, when women weren't citizens, they were for sure second-class sentences. They were seen as property for a wife to hear in the first century, submit to your husbands, they would think, well, of course, that's just the way the whole world is set up. They would see that as normative. The radical part was this. But husbands, if you're a Jesus follower, it's totally different for you. You don't treat your wife the way the rest of the world treats their wife as a piece of property.

You love your wife. How, Paul, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her? I mean, really, is there any more than we can say than that? Think about this. How did Christ love you? Well, first and foremost, that Christ has an initiating love, that Jesus goes first, that Jesus pursues you, and Jesus continuously pursues you. I mean, one of the first commands that Adam was given was to subdue and cultivate.

Christian husbands, we're pretty good at the subdue part. Do you know how I can tell? Because I can see you and I can see your wife. and I can tell you outpunted your coverage something fierce. So here's what I know happened. Back in the day, when you met her, you up your subdue game all the way. Because we're hunters, we're gatherers. We know how to go after a prize, right?

And what begins to happen when you first meet her and you think, oh man, you begin to pursue her, you begin to hunt her, you begin to study her, you begin to wear clothes with buttons and no team logos on it. You begin to coddle together a little money and take her. out and spend money on stuff you would never spend money on, right? What grown man eats frozen yogurt? A grown man trying to subdue, that's what? Watch stupid movies that you didn't even like and then you acted like you did. You'd be like, oh, that notebook, baby. When you go crazy, I will show up and read your crazy self for the rest of your life, okay? But aren't you glad

that Christ's pursuit of us didn't end at the cross? That he continuously pursues? You see, we recall to subdue and cultivate. Christ pursues us. That's how he loves us. Christ continues to pursue us. That's how he loves us. That Christ goes first. That's how he loves us. That Christ chooses us. Aren't you glad that Christ doesn't just reflect the way we act towards him? That regardless of how we act, he pursues us and he has an initiating love towards us, that Christ forgives us, that Christ takes responsibility for us, that Christ takes responsibility for things that are not his fault. This is how we're to love our wives. Husbands, when you get to a conflict in your home, you've got one of two options.

You can be right or you can be a husband. Those are your options. You can be right or you can be a husband. A part of what it means to love our wives as Christ love the church means that you and I take responsibility for everything, even when it's not our fault. And you're like, where do you get that? Jesus Christ on the cross. That Jesus steps out of heaven.

And he walks into this sinful world and was sinned his problem? Was sin his fault? No. And he could have been right. He could have looked at us and says, it's not my fault. It's your fault. When you get your act together, then you can come see me. Peace, I'm out.

I'll see you later. Actually, I'll never see you because you're going to hell. I'm going back to heaven. But that's not what he did. That he became sin for us, that we might be imputed with his righteousness, that he took responsibility for things that were not even his fault because he loved us, that Christ serves us. That Jesus, in John chapter 13, the Bible says,

knowing all authority in heaven and earth had been given unto him, he got up from the table, this is right before they have the last supper. And the Bible says he shows his disciples the full extent. of his love. And you know what he did not do? He didn't preach a sermon. He did not point out how they're wrong and he's right. That's not what he did. He dressed himself as the lowest of low servants and he washed his disciples feet. And then he goes on to say, I have set for you an example. You will be blessed if you do likewise. Husbands, to be the head of your house does not mean that you demand respect. To be head of our house means that we wake up every single day,

dress ourselves in a towel and get on our knees and we serve. our wives with the grimyest job that there is. That Christ prays for us. That right now, Christ is seated at the right hand of God the Father interceding for you. Do you pray for your wife? Do you pray for your wife? I mean, out loud, do you pray for your wife? And I know sometimes fellows are like, well, I ain't good at praying.

Well, get good at it, man. You're good at all kind of dumb stuff. You can change your own oil, know what the NASDAQ's doing, okay? You can learn a thing or two. And it's not as difficult as you make it. Let me tell you, I'm going to give you the opportunity to do this at the end of our service today. But what if every single day you just simply ask this question, honey, how can I pray for you? Now listen, fellas, here's what's going to happen.

She's going to say words. Listen to the words that she's saying. And then hold her by the hand. And then you just say, dear God, and then just repeat verbatim the words that she said. You have to add no commentary to it whatsoever. And then you go, amen. And when you say, if you haven't been doing this much, when you say amen, you go, look, she's going to be crying. And you can be like, what's wrong?

Because we think tears equals wrong. Nothing's wrong. It's really right. Okay? It's really right, man. Because it is the primary way you can fight for the heart of your wife is in prayer. And then, listen, wives, listen to me, listen, okay, love you. I love you so much.

While he's praying, do not correct his theology. do not correct his grammar. When he gets it wrong, he's going to get it wrong. That's not what I said. Don't do that, okay? Men are like puppies. They repeat what is rewarded, okay? So when he gets done, you just go,

Herrick and Lee's, Hercules, all right? And he'll do it again. Christ prays for us. Christ fights for us. He doesn't fight with us. He fights for us. Christ protects us. This might be the biggest one.

Christ values us. Tanya mentioned it, man. And deep in the heart of every woman is this question, am I lovely, am I valuable? Only Jesus can ultimately answer that. But husbands, you have been placed in her life to be the loudest echo of the reality of the gospel that she is valuable. And you know why she's valuable? The Bible says in 1st Corinthians 6, you are not your own. You were bought with a price.

You know what the price that God was willing to pay for you? the blood of his son, Jesus Christ, that we need to be screaming into the life of our wife. You are valuable to me. Husbands, value your wife. Are you echoing how valuable she is? Just like Christ has valued us, are you valuing her? Does she have a no-compete clause in your covenant? One of the worst things you can do is treat your hobby as more valuable than your wife. I mean, does she feel like she's second to golf?

Come on, man. Listen, you're not even good. You're not good. You're not that good. You're not. There's like two good with people here that play in the tour, and they're not even here. They're out actually playing, okay, because that's what they do for a living. You're not good.

And not only are you not good, you're not going to be good. And even with your lies on your scorecard, you're still not good. You understand what I'm saying? Now, listen, everybody, if you're married with kids, you get one. hobby choose wisely okay but you better make sure she feels more valuable than whatever dumb hobby like me deer hunting or you playing golf or whatever it is you see we are to love her as Christ love the church now I know what some of you're thinking some of you're like well pastor I'm sure that's easy for you because we've seen your life she's lovable she's beautiful

she's talented she sings live worship all those years she just writes divos I'm sure it's your house Every day you just wake up and your kids come sitting around go, Mother, would you sing some hymns and psalms and spiritual songs while dad shares the word with us? And that's exactly how it goes in my house every day. And then some of you were thinking, but I don't know, but you don't know my wife, Pastor. You don't know my wife. I'm married crazy. When she speaks, she spits venom out and puppies die and angels lose their wings, and she delights in that.

Okay? That could be true. I don't know. Maybe you chose poorly. I don't know, okay? But even if that's the case, when the Bible talks about the bride and the bridegroom, who's the crazy one? Who's the evil one?

Who's the one's got a long way to go? It's us. And aren't you glad that Jesus didn't wait until we got our act together for him to respond to us in love? He doesn't have a responding love. He has an initiating love. He goes first. And if you're like, well, how far do I take it? Jesus took it all the way to the cross.

He took it all the way to death. So I got good news for you. If it kills you, your vow was till death of your part, so you get out of it after that. All right? Now, in actuality, listen, I know there's some outliers. I know there's some outliers. But the vast majority of us, I mean 99.9% of us for sure. Me, including, you know what we ought to do?

We ought to wake up every single day. Look at the wife of our youth. delight in the wife of our youth and be overwhelmed with gratitude to God. God, I cannot believe that you would give me such a gift like this that loves me when I don't deserve it and serves her tail off. I mean, without her, when you said, it's not good for man to be alone, you were talking to me. Because, I mean, I am such a slob. I am so selfish.

My kids would probably starve to death in their own rooms if I wasn't married to Gretchen. And yet husbands, oftentimes what we can do is we can get hyper-focused on that little point-0-1 percent that didn't go exactly the way that we had prescribed it and ignore all of the goodness that she is bringing into our life and our church and our family. Amen. Amen. Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. And then he tells us how to do that, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing. that she might be holy and without bluish.

You see, when the Bible tells us, tells men to subdue and cultivate, that you and I aren't supposed to just track them and get them to say I do, but we are supposed to create the kind of environment where they blossom into everything God had in mind when he came up with the idea of her. That's what this is talking about. I hope and pray. I still got a long way to go, man.

I mean a long way to go. But I hope and pray that a thing that would mark my life is that when Gretchen and I get to the end of our lives, that she would be able to look back and say the greatest thing that ever happened to me was meeting Jesus. And then second to that, I'm so glad he put that man in my life to help me become who God had created me to be. You want to find a successful man in this world? You forget titles and treasures. You find out, you find a man with a worn out Bible and a smiling wife, and that's what's success is in the kingdom of God. Amen? And so, fellas, you are to leave. And some women's Bible study

made this up a long time ago and they'll say things like, well, the man is the spiritual leader of the home. It's not what the Bible says. The Bible says the man is the head. The spiritual leadership is a part of that. But he is responsible for the whole thing. The whole thing. Now, the husband does not have dominion over his wife. The husband and wife, together as a team, have dominion over all of creation. And that is very, very significant. But are you loving her? Are you praying for her? Are you washing her in the word? You want to be a leader at your house? How about this? How about be the lead prayer? How about to be the lead repenter? How about to be the lead worshipper? How about to be the lead churchgoer? That you don't abdicate that kind of responsibility and she's dragging you

and the babies. Quit being a baby dragging y'all to church. But you, you don't. You don't abdicate that kind of church, but you would step out and you would lead and you would say this is important to us. Then he says this. He's going to tell us how we can love our wives. Verse 28. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh. Now wives, who is this talking about? Just talking about. Just talking about husbands. No husband has ever hated his own flesh. I don't know a wife that likes her flesh. I don't care how in shape you are. There's this one little you're like, but when I turn all the way around and do this, I get a line and I don't love it. Okay, so every woman

hates her own flesh. There ain't a man in the house that doesn't love his own flesh. They're way too proud of their own flesh, are they not? Think about your husband, ladies, big old fat, hairy, bald-headed. Doesn't look nearly like what you married back in the day. and yet he could catch just the right reflection on the hubcap, and he's like, look at there, he still got it. All right. That's what he's talking about.

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Let me just break this down. Here's what he said. How many single men in the house? Raise your hand if you're a single man.

Raise your hand. Oh, come on. Okay, be proud. Cool. All right. The most self-centered, selfish species on the planet right there, single man. And no problem, man, no problem, no problem.

All right. See, two weeks ago, we talked about single, you got time, you got energy, you got effort, you used to serve the church. But the day before you got married, fellas, you know what? You were an expert at taking care of you. You had spent your whole life learning how to take care of you. You knew what you wanted and what you needed, and nobody else had to tell you what you wanting what you need. We were driving down the road, if you got thirsty, nobody had to tell you

you were thirsty. You knew it. I'm thirsty. And what did you do? You did whatever it took to meet your wants and needs. So you pull over to the gas station, you walk in and you pick you something to drink. And you know what you got to drink? You got exactly what you wanted because you are an expert at taking care of you. What Paul is saying here is you want to value your wife, you want to love your wife, you become an expert at taking care of her wants and her needs. And she's not going to give you nearly as many clues as you think you need. But you know what you learn? You learn the things that are important to you. I mean, you learn, because I know what some of you're like, you have a pastor is complicated. So it's fantasy football, but you figure that out, okay? You know when the deer

walk and the turkeys gobble, you know when the waves crash. I mean, you know, whatever it it is that you want to learn about, you have enough time to figure that thing out. And what the Bible is saying is the way to value her and to love her as Christ loved you is you learn to take care of her wants and her needs, just like you have learned to take care of your own. And I know you're like, oh, that's, but it's complicated. I get it. It's real complicated. I know every single night you're like, roll into dice. Come on happy next morning. What am I getting? That's going to be a lot of options, right? I get it. I get it. But again, instead of Instead of sitting there figuring out how is she going to meet my wants and needs tomorrow,

what the Bible says is, no, no, no, brother, you hold up the mirror and say, no matter what, man, and honest to goodness, what all of us should do as husbands most of the time, 99% of the time is wake up every morning and just delight in the wife of our youth once again because God would be so gracious to allow her into our life. And he says, the way you do this is you nourish and cherish, nourish and cherish. That word nourish means to provide. That's what it means. That word cherish means to protect. So what it looks like to love your wife is to provide, to protect, and to promote.

But you have to have all three. Because there are some people, and you provide, and you think that's enough. Well, she ought to know I love her. You know, I pay the bills and provide the food. Cool. Food and shelter. You know possums do that for their family. families. You might want to up the game a little bit, all right? But there's also cherish. Some of you,

especially some of you younger, some of you, some of you cherish, but you're not providing. That's not love either. In fact, Paul says to Timothy that the man that does not provide for his family is worse than the unbeliever. So not only do you provide for her and not only do you cherish her, but you also promote her, promote her. Promote her. And then look what happens. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother. I could do a whole sermon on that. The moment you got married, you left the in-laws, and you began your own family.

That's a good spot for an amen, especially if your in-laws are here. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh. This is talking about consummating the marriage in the bedroom. Husbands, oftentimes, we get this totally out of order. We want to skip all this love and cherish and value like Christ has pursued us, and we just want to jump to the one flesh part. That is not the way God has designed it. In fact, if we would get really, really, really focused on husbands love your wife as Christ love the church, then the way God has wired us as human beings, when we put Jesus in the middle, when he is the pinnacle of our marriage,

the closer we draw to him, the closer we draw to one another. This is way different than getting some like communication tips out of a marriage book. This is submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Because when we do that, the closer we draw to Jesus, you know what begins to happen? The fruit of the spirit begins to be produced in us. I love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. You will be more lovable and more able to love the more like Jesus you are. therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh

this mystery is profound and i am saying that it refers to christ in the church however here's his summary statement let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband it's love and respect love and respect love and respect love and respect in Christ she needs to feel valued in Christ he needs to be respected the root of all of your marital conflict is this she feels devalued he feels disrespected it could be as simple as like a toilet seat issue which I you know that's the thing not that big a deal it's not the end of the world but it's a thing or it could be as extreme as infidelity but it all comes down to this Love and respect out of reverence for Christ.

That's it. Put Jesus in the middle, submit to him, draw close to him, and watch what he does in your marriage. And listen, I know that we've got all kind of different folks from all kind of different backgrounds. And some of you, you've got good marriages and this is just kind of a little, oh yeah, you know what? I kind of need to tighten up and tune up. And some of you feel like you're in impossible marriages. But I've got a good word for you, too. If the tomb is empty, anything is possible.

And if God can breathe new life in his dead son, that he can breathe new life into what feels like a dead marriage to you. Trust me on this one. And so one of the things we do at the end of our services is we respond by bringing our first and best, by singing unto the Lord, and we respond in prayer. I'm telling you,

the two things that have revealed my need for the gospel as much as anything in my life is one trying to raise teenagers and two my utter inability to do what the Bible says to do in loving my wife like Christ loves the church it is way easier for me to preach this than live this and so every single time it comes up every single time it comes up I have to admit once again I don't I ain't got this I ain't got this God I need your help in a tanking tangible, actual, practical way this week so that I can do what your word says and I can love Gretchen Martin the way you have loved me. And that's why we pray.

Husbands, if you're not holding your wife's hand at this point, I'd invite you to go ahead now. You missed your opportunity already, but that's fine. Go ahead. Reach out, grab your hand. I'm going to give you an opportunity to lead as we close the service. If you're single, if you're single, why don't you come and you kneel? before the Lord, your God, and if you want to be married, say, God, would you help me become the person that you have called me to be, and would you help me release this, like, always looking

around for somebody else? And if you're married, husbands, this is your chance to pray for your wife. A couple of things, man, the good news is the band is so loud, she can't even hear you that good anyway, all right? Just pray. Also, I know there's going to be a bunch of people up here. So can I invite you to do this? All you real young and fun people, like with Bendie?

knees and stuff. Maybe you take the carpet spots and you let the old folks come up here to the altar and get on the knee pads, okay? And if you're like, am I old, you've been older, longer than you know, okay? But how many of you after hearing God's word on this know that we need some help from the Almighty God? Amen? Amen? That the enemy is at war against us. And so let's go before the Lord, our maker on our knees in prayer to war against him. Would you please stand and let me pray for us. Our good and gracious heavenly, Father Lord, I thank you. I thank you. that this is love, not that we love you, you loved us first. And because you love us, we can love one another.

So, God, for anyone here that's not right with you, Lord, I pray that they would get right with you so that they could be the right kind of husband and wife that you have called us to be. God, by the power of the Holy Spirit in the lives of the wives, Lord, would you help lead to respect out of submission? to the Lord. And in the hearts and the souls of the husbands, Father, who need to be the lead prayers and the lead repenters and the lead apologers, God, would you help lead us to love our wives just as you have loved us wholly and totally and completely? And God, we need to do for us what we can never do for ourselves. Lord, if we walk and totally and completely. Lord, if we walk in,

out of this place and we just try harder, God, it'll fail once again. Spirit of God, would you move in us that we would reflect to this entire world what a covenant love between an almighty God looks like towards his people. We pray this in Jesus' name. Amen. So, church, we're going to respond. We're going to sing, we're going to bring, we're going to pray. Let's respond.