The Church of Eleven22 - Wk 3: Parents and Children

Episode Date: October 7, 2018

Amen and amen. Is that true or what? Good. Gracious. Hey, church, how are we doing? Everybody doing all right? All right, I have a treat for you. I promise by the time we are done here, you are going to be saying thank you to me. As you know, we've been walking through Ephesians. We talked about wives. We talked about husbands. And the next part in Ephesians 5 is about parenting. And since I'm only up to the 12-year-old level, I have a 12-year-old and a 9-year-old as a Friday, I'm pretty clueless as to what to do. And so I thought I would bring in an expert. And he's not just some random expert that's written, by the way, over 60 books.

But Pastor Dougfield used to be on staff at Saddleback Church, a little country church out in California if you never, never heard of it, with a guy named Rick Warren. And even more importantly, in my life, for whatever reason, right when I got out of seminary, I learned a whole lot of Greek and Hebrew and not one thing on how to actually pastor a church. And so I read a book by Doug Fields that changed the way I thought about discipleship, about how to create environments to bring people from come and see to come and die. So I went out to California just to go to a conference that he was leading.

And by God's grace, Pastor Doug Fields kind of grabbed me and put me under his wing and mentored me for about a decade. And not only is he an incredible communicator and an author. In fact, in our lobbies, we have a few of these books left, intentional parenting, that he and his wife Kathy wrote. And so you're going to want to hustle out there and get one. I think we only have like 25 left here. because 722 bought like 250. And so sure enough, you're going to see why as soon as he starts preaching here. But even more importantly than all that, at least in my life, he taught me how to win at church and not lose at home.

He's been married forever. He's got three kids that love Jesus and are grown. And he has been one of the most influential pastors in my life and ministry. And so 1122 at all of our campuses, would you please stand and welcome, Pastor Doug Fields. You're so nice. Thank you, Brian. Well, good morning, everyone. Please sit down. That is. Joby is so nice. But when I met Joby 20 years ago, he was humongous. Like, he had the biggest muscles I'd ever seen in my life. His ears had muscles. They were so big. And he didn't know what a full shirt was. It was all tank tops. And when he said, you will mentor me. I was like, yes, I will. Yes, I will. And we've been friends for 20 years. I'm so proud. of him. And I already know that I love you because I love him and he loves you and the way he talks about you with tenderness in his voice and tears in his eyes just makes me so happy to be here. I told my son, who's 27, who's known Jobby since he was a little boy, I said, I'm speaking

at Jobi's church this weekend. And Cody, my son says, is he still huge? And I said, well, kind of in a different way now. But he's still. wonderful, okay? He's still wonderful. So I am so pleased to be with you. Thank you for let me be part three of this incredible series as I've listened to the messages. You are under such fabulous teaching. You know that, don't you? Okay, you know that. And you know that this is like one of the most talked about churches in the country. And I told Jobie, I don't care how big it gets. I don't care that it's named like one of the fastest growing. You got to love your wife and be a great dad. And that's the number one priority. Everything else will fall into place. And I love that he has done that

that and even said that to you all. So, hey, raise your hand if you had a parent. Let me see. You had a parent, okay? Keep your hand up if your parent was perfect. Okay? All right. How about this? You are a parent right now? Raise your hand. Okay, those of you are not raising your hand, everybody raising their hand who's a parent, they can feel like trash half the time of their life. I mean, when you were a parent, you never feel like you have got this whole thing figured out. You are a single parent. God bless you. I don't know how you do.

I think parenting is tough with two. When you were a single parent, you were one of my heroes in life. How about empty nesters? You're an empty nesters. Let me see who you are. Yeah, these are the people smiling. They're just happy. You know, we became empty nesters last year as our youngest got married.

People all over the world, it doesn't matter where it is. All over the world, when they hear you're an empty nestor, the number one question people ask is, who knows? Do you walk around the house naked all the time? Okay. Everybody, I don't know. where that came from. I just think it is weird question to ask a stranger, okay? And the answer is yes, okay? But I didn't have to wait until they were empty nesters to do that. I did that when they were little, okay? That way they wouldn't bring their friends over. So it was very, very strategic.

How about boomerang parents? Any boomerang parents, you thought you were empty nesters, then they moved back in with you, they just came right back. Well, hey, well, no matter where you are, how about those of you raised your hands? You don't have kids. You don't have kids. You don't have have kids. You're thinking, why did I come today? Okay, what time is the game on, right? Well, those of you that don't have kids, sometimes you look at us with our children, with these, pious looks of condemnation, like, oh, I would never do that. And you're fun people to be around, really. One time my family of five was sitting in a very fancy restaurant. It's called Denny's. I don't know if they had them out here. But we were at Denny's, and this lady was,

seated next to us. And soon as she was seated next to my family of five, she got the waitress and asked to be reseated because she didn't like the noise and the food flying and all that type of thing. And then what I did is I asked to be reseeded next to her, okay? Because that's what pastors do. We help people grow. So for those of you that don't have kids, don't check out. Because unless you are a total hermit, you are going to be interacting with kids as an uncle, as an aunt, as a coach, as a mentor. Now, I'm as a grandparent. I mean, all the stuff I'm talking about today is how do we really care for kids? What all kids need from caring adults. Now, Joby introduced me as an expert, and I just need to let you know I'm not an expert. I used to be an expert. Then we had children.

And then when they became teenagers, I actually became the dumbest human on the planet. But now that they're all in their 20s and they're married and they're having their own families, I'm back to being smart. But I wish you could hear this message from my wife because she's the real parenting expert. And she'd rather die than speak. And so I just take notes from her. I tell people that if parenting was high school, she'd be the valedictorian. And I'd be the guy in the gym class trying to burp the alphabet in front of my friends, all right? But what I'm going to teach you today, I've stolen. I've stolen from Kathy, I've watched her, and I've stolen in. And I've also stolen it from God's word. See, to win, in relationships, to win with kids of any age. You have to have, first thing is, if your note takers,

write this down, you need to have strong belief. Strong belief. And this is not you believing in a child. Oh, you're a great little singer, Lucy, keep singing. No, do that. That's fabulous. But that's not the type of belief I'm talking about. I'm actually talking about the belief in your role as a parent. Parents, if you don't believe that you are the single greatest influence in the life of your child, you have trouble coming your way. You're going to be nothing more than a shift manager, your own bed and breakfast. All research reveals that parents are the most influential person in the life of their child. The only time that changes is when you back out for whatever reason. You're too busy or you're passive aggressive and your kid's not giving you the love that you think you deserve and say,

well, I'm not going to love that. Whatever it is, culture is going to be happy to step in and take your place. peers are going to be happy to step in and take your place, but you are the greatest influence in the life of your child or your grandchild. You have to start there with strong belief. I love this Instagram that I found. It says, Dear Mom, thank you so much for being my mom. If I had a different mom, I'd punch her in the face and go find you. Love Brooke.

See, what Brooke is saying is what all your kids believe. They want their their, they're, they're, their parents to be their heroes. Just before the church service started, I was talking to Jobie's son, JP, and I was asking him questions, and he would answer, and he'd just look at his dad. He just, he just look at his dad, because his dad is his hero. Now, it's real evident at this age right now, but it'll become less evident, but still in his heart, his dad is always going to be his hero, his mom's going to be his hero, because kids are a big deal to God, and that's the way that he set up this whole family structure.

Take a look at Mark 9, verse 36. It says Jesus took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking him in his arms, he said to them, oh, this is everybody who didn't want the children to come to Jesus. He said, whoever welcomes one of these little children

in my name welcomes who? Me. God in the flesh. And whoever welcomes me does not welcome me, but the one who sent me. Jesus said, when you welcome a child church, you welcome me, friends. that is a high calling. That puts a parent's job in perspective. Being a parent is part of your life.

It's your destiny. I even believe it may be one of the most spiritual things that you ever do is to raise a child in the ways of Jesus and modeling that in a very, very real way. So if you are a parent, here's what I want you to do. Everybody raise your right hand, repeat after me. Parents raise your right hand. Let's repeat after me. I'm a big deal. You are. And if you actually start believing, have that strong belief that you are a big deal, you're going to show up different as a parent. And again, I'm talking those of you that are older parents in here, and you've got older kids. I meet people in their 30s, 40s, 50s. They're still waiting for their parents to show up in their life. They're grown, and they're still waiting from mom and dad to

have that influence and be that that hero in their life. And so when you are a parent and it's a big deal to you and you say it's a big deal and you believe it's a big deal, here's what you start doing. You start putting the value of your parenting above your paycheck. And so when people ask you what you do, you don't refer to your career. You say, oh, what do I do? That's easy. I'm in charge of socializing three Homo sapiens in the dominant values of the Judeo-Christian tradition in order that they might be transformers in the utopia that God prescribed. And what do you do? And then just stare at them. It's awesome. I'm just a lawyer. Okay. Say, once you have a strong belief, that's key. You've got a strong belief in your role as a parent. Then you add that strong belief

to the reality that the world is changing and kids are growing up in a different world than you grew up it is not the same world that you grew up in right you know that when grandma said log on she was cold okay and it's just a different world and some of you're going to get that in a little bit later and that's fine okay right the world has changed the world has changed but kids themselves have not changed all that much Look at this quote. Youth today love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, no respect for older people, and talk nonsense when they should be working. Sounds like some kids you know, right? You know who is the author of this quote? Socrates. That's 500 years before Jesus. Basically is what's saying, kids have been driving adults crazy for a long time. And your kids are

asking the same fundamental cultures change, but kids are asking the same fundamental questions that you ask. Who am I? Does anyone really like me? Am I okay? And can I get allowance for not doing anything? Okay, these are the same fundamental questions that they're asking for identity and purpose and meaning, all right? And I want you to get this. It's up on the screen. The best way to understand kids is not to learn how different kids are today, but to have a good memory. Parents, if you can just remember the feelings you had as a fourth grader or a seventh grader or what it was like going into high school for the first time in ninth grade, if you can remember the feelings, those feelings are going to be very similar to what your kids or grandkids are feeling. See, I watch parents get mad at kids,

you know, that are concerned about their appearance or their status or their labels. And say, you're so immature. And I want to say, oh, really, really, because you weren't like that at all, right, mom? Right, Dad, you had no concern for appearance or labels or status. Well, of course you did. We all did. Okay? I know I did.

I remember when Maroon was in, some of you? This is, you know, that was very, I was very concerned about status and Maroon was in for one year. 1980 and I wore it as much as I could but growing up in my family just a little insight into my upbringing it was a little tough kind of an abusive home only in that my dad was an accountant and so he was real cheap and he didn't want us to buy any labels or any that type of clothing that everybody else was wearing that was tough my dad the accountant but my mom was a seamstress so my dad would say when it comes to labels and stuff. We can't afford it. And my mom would say what? I'll make it for you. Now you know I got

beat up a lot in junior high, okay? And so does anybody remember OP shorts? Okay, if you don't know what OP shorts, they're, they look like this. They're very cool in the 70s. O.P. Shorts, O.P. stood for Ocean Pacific, right? And all the cool kids had them, but they were $28. And my dad said, there's no way, which would be about 80 bucks today, I'm guessing. And 28 bucks, and my dad said, no way, we're paying 28 bucks for half a pair of pants. You know, that's not happening. My mom says, don't worry, Doug, I'll make you a pair. I'm like, Mom, no, don't make me a pair.

So my mom makes me a pair. The next day, she puts them on my bed, and they look just like O.P. Pants. I mean, cordurore, just like O.P. But no. Exactly. No O.P. And I'm like, Mom, there's no way I'm wearing these.

These are just shorts. They're not O.P. All the cool kids wear O.P. Shorts. I'm not these. So she takes them back. She embroideres then on the pocket. I get them back the next day. But not O.P. Because she was concerned about the infringement police coming to our house and arresting her. Instead, it was a D. So from a distance, it looked like an O.P. But you got up close. It was a D. Okay? For Doug's pants. Okay. But that was, I mean, I still didn't wear them because I didn't want people getting up close and seeing it. I mean, it's so insappearance. If you begin to remember some of those feelings that you had for appearance and status, and then all of a sudden you understand, you start looking at kids and they're wearing, you know, jeans with rips and holes and they sag down, you know, boxers up here and the bottom.

I mean, they're not wearing that because it's comfortable. Okay, I've tried. I tried the sagging look. And my wife was like, Doug, you're scaring the kids. No, they're wearing it because it's about appearance, all right? So fill in the blank of this famous parenting expression. When I was your age, you were never their age. Parents, you've got to understand that.

You're never their age. It's like comparing Little League Baseball with Major League Baseball. It's similar game. Nine players, three outs per inning, run, hit, steel, inject steroids. but it's a totally different context. And when it's a different context, it makes it a different ballgame. So parents, grandparents, so many help you understand this. You were never their age in this age.

You're never their age in this age. It's very important to understand. So when you understand your strong belief and that culture is changing, you were never their age in this age. Instead of being fearful as a parent or grandparent, or teacher coach or mentor, aunt, uncle. Instead of becoming fearful, you become intentional. Now, what is an intentional parent?

Joby held up the book that the workbook that Kathy and I wrote about intentional parenting. And intentional parenting is intentional. And it starts with this. You begin with the end in mind. That's what an intentional parent does. You begin with the end in mind. Now, this is not a new principle.

This has been around for a long time. time, those of you in the marketplace, in your business, you already know your exit strategy, right? You know how long you're going to work, what your 401K needs to be, who you're going to sell off to, all that. You know your end game, but why don't we do this in parenting? Because this actually, by the way, this is not Doug Fields's wisdom. I stole this from God's word. Look what it says in Psalm 90. It says, teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Parents. Parents. Be wise because those days are going by so fast. They quickly disappear.

You have 6,552 days from the time your child is born until he or she graduates high school. Or another way to say it is 936 weeks. I just became a grandparent about 100 days ago. And so I'm a grandparent. I'm poppy of a little over a three-month old child. And so what I did is I bought my daughter and her husband, my son-in-law, I bought him a jar of marbles, 936 marbles, each marble representing a week of the child's life. Okay? Oh, I know.

She's unbelievable. And I feel bad for the rest of you, grandparents. Your kid is not as cute as mine. Okay. But she is 15 weeks old, and I don't know how well you can see it against the carpet, but they're 15. marbles outside of that jar all ready. Now, some of you look at that and go, that's depressing. Like, why would you want a parent to pull out a marble each week? Because you know what I want them to do? I want them to pull out a marble a number of their days so that they might be wise.

That's biblical. To look at that marble and go, okay, a week is gone, to reflect on it, to praise Jesus for what happened to beg for a heart of wisdom. That's wise. That's what wise parents do. Not the dad that I saw this morning at McDonald's. When his four or five-year-old son, they were having breakfast together, and he was on his phone the whole time. He doesn't realize he's losing chips of that marble all the time. That's an opportunity that is wasted. And actually, what he doesn't know is he's training his child to do the same thing as soon as that kid gets a phone. Okay. This is, This is important stuff. And, you know, parents are going to lose their marbles anyway.

So why not just, you know, get them used to that? I was a youth pastor for years before we became parents. And actually working with teenagers was our primary form of birth control. And but what I did is I studied. I studied good families and I studied rough families. I studied troubled kids. I studied good kids. I was just trying to figure out what are these.

these good families and good kids have in common. And so when Kathy and I started a family, we began with the end in mind. We had our end game. We call them the five Cs. I'm going to share them with you, not so that you copy them. You're welcome to if you need a starting place, but you'd come up with your own end game, but I want to illustrate what I'm talking about. And the five Cs, the first one was this, was confidence. We wanted our kids to be confident, not arrogant, but actually have a healthy view of themselves. Second thing we wanted is character. Every parent in the world wants this for their kids. They want character, right, wrong, knowing good, from bad, that type of thing. Anywhere you speak to parents, they want their kids to have a sense of character. Third would be

convictions. This is why you bring them to church to understand beliefs. You can have character, but what's a character based on? If it's not based on a biblical worldview, what happens is kids can fake a character for 18 years and be good in front of mom and dad, but that if they don't have convictions, you send them away to a college, that character will fold up, and not hold up without convictions. We live in rich Southern California, maybe a lot like Jacksonville. And the fourth C is we wanted our kids to have compassion.

We wanted them to see that this is not the real world, the little bubble that they live in in Orange County in the shadow of Disneyland. We wanted them to see that people are hurting all over the world and what does it look like to meet the needs of hurting others. And the fifth was competence. And that we wanted them when they were graduating to be able to use their God,

God-given gifts, not to be excess baggage, but to actually make a difference in the world, to be an ambassador for Jesus. Now, basically, what we did is we parented toward those five Cs. That was our end game. And I actually stole this from First Timothy, because if you read First Timothy, you'll see Paul encourages young Timothy to develop in these areas as well. And so what we did is we came up with 10 actions. 10 actions to help us move towards these five Cs.

And these are what we think are 10 actions of an intentional parent, grandparent, coach, mentor, teacher. I don't have time to go into all 10 of them, but I want to give you enough and taste it. If you like it enough and you go, okay, that makes sense. You can grab the workbook or go online and find it and learn on your own. Now, these 10 actions, here's what I would say. They just enhance the odds. They just enhance the odds that you're going to meet your end game as a parent. because parenting, it's a mystery.

But you do the possible, these 10 actions, why God does the impossible. But I want to be able to say at the end of the day, the 936 weeks, that we did the best that we could. We began with the end in mind. We sought God's wisdom. We counted the days, and we went after it. Does that make sense? Okay, here's one that I think all kids need is encouraging words. If your child is breathing, he or she needs your encouraging words, mom and dad. You're the most important person in their life. Why wouldn't they need those words? You know, encouraging words is like food for the soul. And most children are starving. You know, two weeks ago, Jobie was talking to women and saying, ladies, your man needs encouraging words. Well, if your man needs it, why wouldn't your child need it? Why does your man need it? Because he's still a child.

Okay? Guys, we are. We still have that childlike inner world that needs to be fed and encouraged. We just have a more grown-up body now. Your child needs that. Words are powerful. Your words can be pointed and positive, or they can be sharp and scarring. You get to decide as a parent. Again, the scriptures say this. In Proverbs 12, it says, thoughtless words cut deeply like a thrusting sword. But the speech of the wise is a healing bomb. Words are powerful. Words hurt. Whoever made up that fable, sticks in stones will break my bones, but words will what? Never hurt me. Ha. What an idiot. Okay. No, I'd rather be hit with a stick because that bruise will go away. Some of you are still living. You're adults and you're living with emotional wounds from words that were said to you that you can't escape.

All right? And words are so powerful, parents, that they actually can shape the direction of your child's life. I believe this with all of my heart. You can disagree with me on this, but when you get to heaven, you'll see I was right. Okay? That when you talk about your kids, parents, when you introduce your kids, quit using modifiers. I hear this all the time at my church. Pastor Doug, this is my daughter Jill. She's shy as Jill coweres behind mom's legs because Jill has heard that modifier a million times. This is my, this is my son Carlos. He's my wild child. As Carlos lets out a demonic laugh and lights a palm tree on fire, okay? Your words are powerful. And so here's what your words can do. They can either build confidence or destroy hope. What kind of parent do you want to be? You want to build confidence or destroy hope?

Again, scriptures, Proverbs 12, the words of the wicked are like a murderous ambush, but the words of the godly save lives. What are the words that your kids are hearing from you? If I put a transcriber in your house to just capture all the words that are spoken for a week, and then we transcribe those words, and on one wall we put all the positive words, on one wall we put all the negative words, what would it look like in your house? what are your kids hearing from you mom and dad how many of you by show of hands how many of you would rather be around people who like you than people who don't like you who'd rather be around people who like you yeah right your your kids are the same way they'd rather be around people who like them

so if you're always on them and always shaming them and always using words to coach them up really what you're training them to do is to avoid you because your words are are pushing them away. Now, your kids are going to fail, and so you don't want to, when they screw up or fail, you don't want, good job, Jimmy. Okay, you've got to, what is affirmation, what does encouragement look like that isn't based on performance?

How do we raise up a generation of kids that aren't a bunch of people-pleasers just waiting for, you know, mom and dad to say something when they do something good? I mean, you go to their little league game, and they get two hits. And after the game, you're like, you're the best hitter on the team. Way to go, buddy. What if you said, I love watching you play? I love watching you play. See, because he's going to get two hits one game and he's going to strike out three times the next game.

That's life. Life is filled with a series of strikeouts and home runs. But if every time he played, he heard, I love watching you play. It's not based on hits or strikeouts. It's just pure words of encouragement. What they need to hear from you is, I love you and I believe in you. And you've got to figure this out. I mean, Jesus said the words that come out of your mouth are a reflection of what's in your heart. So if you said to me, well, Doug, I'm just not a words person. I just can't produce good words.

I would go, that means Jesus needs more action with your heart. Because when Jesus is in your heart, he's giving you the words to say through the power of Holy Spirit. You with me? Here's the second thing kids need. It is genuine affection. I mean, from the moment that we are born, those of you that have children recently, you know how quickly doctors have figured out this whole idea of skin touch, right? We have this skin need. It must be, it must be fed a skin hunger. And so what they do is they take the baby right away and they put it on the moms and the dad's bare chest so that kids' skin hunger must be fed. fed at an early age. It must be fed at every age. Because if they don't get that genuine affection,

they're going to look for it in other ways. If they don't get appropriate affection, ladies, you are much better at this than guys. I mean, ladies, you're much better, most things, when it comes to parenting the guys. Not all things, but most things. Affection is one of them. Moms, you are just, how God has wired you to be nurturing and caretaking. You're so good at it. and it comes natural to you for some of us guys it wasn't modeled by our dads and so we're not exactly sure how to you know we're not exactly sure what what to do there which is why never in the recorded history of the world has a child been you know hurt playing in the front yard and run into the house and yelling for dad okay why do kids not yell for their dad because their dads don't care okay I mean at least my dad didn't

I'd be coming in crying, where's ball, where's off? Shake it off, son. Shake it off. Rub some dirt on it. Dad, I'd like to shake it off, but the bone is sticking out. And I can't. Get out of the way of the TV, dish me up some ice cream. Okay, you know, that was my dad, all right? So, dads, I don't care if it wasn't modeled for you, figure it out. Because if you can't be affectionate, what's going to happen to your boys is your boys aren't going to be able to express themselves emotionally. If you can't be affectionate to your little girls, they're going to express themselves sexually. You know, most promiscuous teenagers point back to an absentee or non-affectionate father. They need that skin hunger fed, and they're going to find it fed someplace, some, somewhere. So practice. If you're not,

practice today, even just walking out to your car, put your arm around your kid. When you're watching TV, watching the football game, throw your leg over, you know, whatever it is. I mean, figure out some sit next, but whatever. If you don't know what to do, trip and fall on them, okay? And just hold them down for a little bit, okay? And just, oh, sorry, I can't get up. You know, but so start somewhere. That's all part of parenting is, is start somewhere that something is better than nothing. Here's the third thing all kids need is they need serious fun. And really, the only criticism some Kathy and I have got from other people on in this book, Intentional Parenting, is this, people say, how does this make your top 10 list?

Really, how does fun make your top 10 list? And typically people that ask that don't really fully understand child development. Because in today's world, today's kids are more stressed out than any previous generation. You don't, you Google it. Google delayed adolescence. You know, delay, they're saying adolescence goes into 28 years old. You know, why are people 10 years ago were getting married at the age 22? now they're getting married at age 28.

Childhood is being extended because kids are so stressed out that they're not growing up the way that they should. We live in a faster-paced world than ever before. This little device right here is the end of innocence. We're always one-click away from being exposed to something that is going to change your world. And everything is happening so fast. Kids, information, technology, the whole bit. Kids are stressed out. Plus, I think we live in a generation of insecure parents.

And insecure parents put pressure on their kids to perform and to become great so that parents will feel better about themselves. See, some of you, you haven't really called this out by name yet, but you are parenting for the approval of other people. And every time you're parenting for the approval of other people, you're adding pressure to your kids and you're actually, your insecurity is creating shame in them. And so what's going to happen, instead of you paying for your own therapy right now, they're going to be paying for therapy for the rest of their lives. They're so stressed out that we've got to have some serious fun. Implement fun times in your family.

Figure it out because here's what social science teaches us, that when kids experience a degree of fun, it releases their anxieties, it diminishes their fears and it lessens their hostility and anger. The Bible says it like this. A cheerful heart is good, what? Medicine, yeah. But a broken spirit saps a person's strength. I actually believe those of us who are followers of Jesus, we ought to be leaking fun everywhere we go. Because we have not only eternal life, we have life today. But somehow in our little Christian clubs, we have figured out that the more serious you are, the more mature you are. We know that's not true. The more mature you are, the more boring you are, okay? The opposite of funny is not serious. The opposite of funny is unfunny.

Okay? Unfunny. And many of you experience that every week with Joby. So when I use humor in order to keep people awake, that's why I use humor, that's why Jobie's funny. I mean, he uses humor to keep you awake so you'll listen a little bit more. But offstage, I'm not like a person who's cracking jokes all the time. And in my church, when people meet me out in the community, we'll talk a little bit and they'll go, oh, you're not as funny in person as I thought you were. I'm like, well, it's my day off.

You're not as attractive up close as I thought you were, you know. Whatever. So just like you, as a parent, I have to figure out how do we infuse fun into our life? How do we get them to giggle and to laugh and to play and to celebrate and be adventurous? Because parents, here's the deal. If they don't find fun at your house, they're going to find fun somewhere else. and it may not be the type of fun that you want it to be. So, you know, the question is, what are you doing to ensure that there's fun happen in your house?

And don't think that this is a shallow idea. I would give this one serious consideration because it's very deep, and it has the power to change the way your child grows up. Here's another thing that I think all kids need from parent, grandparent coach, mentor, teacher, aunt uncles, what I call delicate discipline. Delicate discipline. You can't fully love your child if you don't provide discipline. See, love and discipline go together.

Now, you can read about biblical discipline on Hebrews chapter 12. Read it on your own. But let me give you my definition of biblical discipline. Biblical discipline is guidance with love, not punishment in anger. Guidance with love, not punishment in anger. A lot of the Christian communities like, spare the rod, spoiled them. the child, you know, and like, yeah, but they don't understand that the rod that they're talking about was what shepherds used to guide sheep, not to beat sheep, okay? It wasn't like beat sheep into submission.

No, the rod was used by a shepherd to guide the sheep onto the right path and to keep them from from danger. So biblical discipline is guidance with love, not punishment and anger. And this is not a pro-spanking, anti-spanking. We tried it all. We had things. three kids. We tried spanking. We tried no spanking. We tried letting them spank us. I mean, we, you know, we tried everything. You figure that out. That's not my point. My point is, is discipline in anger. Discipline and anger doesn't work. Look at Proverbs chapter three. My child, don't reject the Lord's discipline and don't be upset when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he what? Loves, absolutely. Just as a father corrects a child in whom he

delights. When children aren't disciplined, go to any McDonald's playland, you can see that, okay? When children aren't disciplined, they're psycho crazy, running around, swinging their diaper, whatever it is, you don't look at that child and go, oh, what a psycho kid. You go, where's the parent? Now, with discipline, the reason that we use the word delicate is because with children, you have to be very delicate. I mean, their bodies are fragile, but their spirits are more fragile. Their spirits are more fragile. And in Ephesians chapter six, you've been looking the last two weeks at Ephesians chapter five in marriage. Here's what the scripture say about parenting. Now, a word to you parents, don't keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and

resentful. Rather, bring them up with what kind of discipline? Loving. Loving discipline. The loving discipline the Lord himself approves with suggestions and godly advice. See, loving discipline moms and dads is not discipline in anger. Now, I'm not saying you're never going to get angry. That would be stupid. Of course you're going to get angry.

I'm suggesting you learn to discipline but not in your anger. Not in your anger. The type of discipline I see is not a discipline of love. It's a discipline of compliance. It's a quick fix. And I would say this, please stop yelling at them. Yelling doesn't work. There is no empirical evidence that yelling works.

No empirical evidence. And many of you are yellers because your parents were yellers. Now you're going to raise another generation of yellers, and it doesn't work. It might get them to stop doing something in the short term, but that's quick-fix parenting. That's not intentional parenting. But when you yell, you wound them, you scare them, and you shame them.

And all research reveals that angry discipline results in embarrassment, humiliation, violence, and it produces angry kids. See, because when you're a yeller, and seven, percent are yellers. It's just statistically. And they're yellers because they didn't know any other way. They were taught by their parents to be yellers. They don't know that it doesn't work. I mean, it can stop a, you know, a kid from standing on the couch, but it's quick fix. It's not discipline in love. They don't hear your words when you're yelling. They hear your spirit. And see, as they get a little bit older, when they see you lose control, they begin to respect for you and then your parenting is in trouble okay now we've all blown it in this area

that's why we all get a we get a fresh start let me give you a little tip you don't have to discipline in the moment of the infraction you don't have to do it okay you're not a cop you're a parent you can send your yourself to time out or send the child to just you don't have to discipline right now because you're angry cool off I learned this from my dad and I wouldn't even say my dad was a great, great disciplinary parent. He'd yelled, he screamed, he spanked a whole bit. Here's what my dad would say, Douglas Montgomery Fields, I got all three names. He was yelling, go get me something to hit you with, which is think about the logic on that one, okay? But just anyway, go get me

something to hit you with. And that was back in the era of the 60s and the 70s of belts and whips and a hose that was bent over and sticks and something to hit him with. So what I realized, the longer I took to get the object to be hit with, the more cool, the easier it went on me. I learned that. I like just walking slowly. So when I would come back like three days later, with an oversized pillow, you know, my dad was so much more gentle. See, if you want to kind of go to the how, I think the best type of discipline is what I call discipline by choice. Let me give you a definition of this. Discipline by choice is, one, a fair consequence.

Two, that's clearly communicated ahead of time. And three, it's connected to the offense. So clearly communicated ahead of time. Parents, when you're angry, you're mad, you're like, okay, you can't have your iPad for a month. And they're like, I didn't even know that. I mean, that's not helpful. If you have a little three-year-old that's running over the cat with the trike, you know, take away the trike. Don't take away TV for two months.

That's connected to the offense. See, but when it's clearly communicated ahead of time, what happens is it puts you and your child on the same team. See, typical parenting is me against my child. But when the consequence is clearly communicated ahead of time, then it can be you and your child against the consequence. So, for example, curfew. You know, our curfew rule was you coming late for curfew. you're in the house for the next three weeks. That was agreed upon ahead of time.

I mean, they weren't happy about it, but that's what we came up with. They knew it. So if my child came in, 10 minutes late, I didn't have to meet him at the door and shame him and posture and position and yell. I could actually meet him at the door with compassion. Like, oh, buddy, I'm glad you're home.

I mean, normally you make such great decisions, and I just got scared a little bit when you were in here. I love you so much. And then I started getting sad for you. And I just hold them a little bit, okay? I'm getting sad for you. And it's like, because now you have to be at home with me and mom for the next three weeks, okay? Now, enforcing discipline as a parent is, you know, you figure it out age appropriately,

but enforcing discipline is a difficult thing to do. But you're not going to be an effective parent if you can enforce discipline. And in all the discipline that we did with our children in our home, never once, never once did they say, thank you, Dad. Seriously, you're a great parent. I mean, I mean, I knew the consequence ahead of time, and I decided to, you know, go against that. And now I face the consequences. And I think, wow, I am so blessed to have you as my dad. Okay. No, nobody has ever said, like, and someday I hope you write a book on parenting. No, they're mad and they storm upstairs and slam the door, whatever they do. But whose fault was it? It was theirs. They made a choice. And parents,

If kids don't make choices and they don't experience consequences, they will never learn responsibility. So, those of you with little kids, and you do the counting game, which I understand that, do the counting game, but get to three. Okay, get to three. Somebody don't let me get to three. Do not let me get to three. One, two, three. Maybe you didn't hear me. I don't know.

Was I not loud enough? Because if I get to three again, there is going to be a cyclone of fury that comes out of and you do not want to face a three. One, two, two, two point one, seven, eight. I mean, you're inventing fractions. Parents, get to three. Get to three and allow the child to experience the consequences. Because without experiencing consequences,

they will never develop responsibility. And here's what you need to understand. Consequences actually build self-esteem. Consequences build self-esteem. Because it helps a child understand that there is a connection between, their decision-making and what happens to them. So, Mom, I've been picking on dads a little bit, but Mom, when the school calls, because little seven-year-old Tina forgot her lunch, and you're like,

oh, oh, she forgot her lunch? I'll be right there, okay? And then you grab the lunch and race it to school so that little Tina gets her lunch, because if she doesn't have lunch, she will what? She will die, okay? You go straight to death, all right? Yeah, typically most tender parents say she'll starve, okay? She'll go hungry or maybe starve and eventually get to death. But yeah, moms, you're like, oh, she'll starve to death. No, she won't. Okay, I've done a lot of research on death by starvation, okay?

And it takes 65 days for a person to die. So when little Tina comes home hungry, maybe she'll begin to realize that, oh, that's my responsibility. because mom and dad do all this stuff to keep the house going. They buy the food. Mom even makes the lunch for me and sets it out. All I got to do is grab it and put it in my backpack. That's my job. That's a good thing for a child to learn responsibility.

Now, some of you've been listening, you're so good. I can see it in your face. I mean, you're leaning in. Your parents, you're like, okay, this is helpful. This is helpful. And then some of you are, you feel shamed right now. You're like, I don't encourage. I'm not good with affection.

I yell. I mean, if I really love my kid, maybe I just give them up for adoption. Here's what I want to say to you. All of the stuff that I'm talking about, it's only going to matter if you get the right relationships right. If you get the right relationships right. And what I mean by this is the most loving thing you can do

is to fall deeper in love with Jesus. It's the most loving thing you can do as a parent. See, the closer I get to Jesus, the more I experience him. And the more I experience him, the more love I have to give to my children. Because on my own, just on my own power, I don't have the patience, I don't have the wisdom, I don't have the forgiveness, I don't have the love that makes me an intentional parent. So when you make Jesus the focus of your life, what you hear about every single week from Jobie when you come here, watch this we get the presence of God in our life and he promises his power so we get his presence

and we get his power and as a result of living with his power and his presence we produce the fruit of the spirit and one of them is peace okay peace and i think what your kid needs is a peaceful parent. You're never going to be a perfect parent. By the way, perfect parents, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. If you pretend to be perfect, you just produce intimidation and shame on your child. They don't need you to be perfect. They need you to experience peace. Why? Because you can't have a peaceful home until you're a peaceful parent. And see, your kids need a peaceful home. Why? Because they're at war all day long. You tell me it's not a war for them, being bullied, being shamed,

pressure being made fun of, the competition, the stress, all that's happening in their school, the grades, all that is stressful to them. But if they know they can come inside and shut the door and drop their backpack, and they're in a peaceful house, not a perfect house, a peaceful house, because their mom or their dad love Jesus. And they understand that there's a battle going on out there. And that is a home that kids want to grow. grow up in. And if you are a, if you're a single parent, again, I just want to say you're heroic. It's very difficult for you to do. See, because what kids need the most in a lot of this type of home is they need a parent to be present. And sometimes single parents can't be present because

they're working two or three jobs in order to pay the bills. And if that's you, I actually think, in God's sovereignty that your children are going to grow up with an understanding of what you sacrificed and they're going to call you blessed. What kids won't appreciate is the mom and the dad who didn't work in order to survive, but who worked in order to drive the nicer car or live in the bigger house and were never around and then blame their kids. You know, if you weren't playing club baseball, then I wouldn't have to work so much or whatever it is. See, parents, what your kids want is they don't want your money. They want your presence.

Presence matters. Presence matters. And this is built into the whole theology of who God is. It was his presence that got the world started. It was his presence that created the cosmos, this playground that we live in. And then he loved us so much. What did he do? He became present in the form of Jesus.

God became human and walked among us, John 114. And then when he left us, and he died and resurrected, what did he do? He left us with the presence of his spirit. See, presence is a big deal to God. So getting the right relationship right is so crucial to parenting. And not just that relationship, but I would say the beautiful thing about the church is that your children need the people that you're sitting around. All studies reveal that, healthy kids, no matter where they come from, watch this, healthy kids, no matter where they come from, Cambodian refugee camps, projects in New York City, upper middle class in Jacksonville, they have other adults in their lives beyond their parents. All healthy kids have other people in their life. That's why grandparents and aunts and uncles and coaches and mentors and teachers are so important. That's why this church body is so vital to kids. I, think, I think what a cool church it would be, that if every child in this church loved coming here

because of the adults, that you didn't talk down to them, you got to their eye level and talked to them. The kids knew, they maybe can't describe, they couldn't handle 38 weeks in Romans, they can't tell you what sanctification means, but they go, when I go to 1122, there's something different about those adults, they like me. Because then what they're going to realizes they like me, but they also love Jesus, and that's going to help their theology. And as churches grow big, the most difficult thing to do is to keep kids after they graduate. The younger generation is not impressed by a big church. But you know what keeps them is when they feel part of a family.

And that's what your kids need. People who don't raise their kids in the church, I think they're crazy. My kids are who they are today because they were surrounded by small group leaders and amazing Sunday school teachers. And that's what the church does. It's what Jesus did for you. You learned this in Romans chapter 8. You received God's spirit and he adopted you into his family. And not only did he adopt you into his family, he gave you full rights to be his children. Isn't that beautiful? And that's what your kids need. And that's what 1122 wants to offer you in partnership with what God is doing in your life.

And so as we close, I want to invite some of you. You are a responding church. Some of you need to just come up here and you need to pray for your kids. If you're a single parent, come up here and let somebody pray over you. Maybe you come up as a couple and you pray for your kids. For some of you, you've been living in shame. You're hearing this stuff and go, I'm not doing any of it. Okay, great.

Start over. Have a prayer of confession. I don't want to be a yeller anymore. Because if anyone is in Christ, he or she is a new creation. The old has passed away. Behold, the new has come. Quit living in the past. and look forward to what God has for you in the future.

Make sense? Who wants to be an intentional parent, grandparent, coach? Yeah, me too, me too. Jesus, may we be different because we were here today. Thank you for your love for us. That your love for us is not based on what kind of parent we are. That your love for us is not based on what we look like or whether we yell or not, or how much money is in our savings account, that you love us

because you have adopted us into your family, that you call us children. You are a loving and gracious father. So now, Jesus, I pray for every parent, single parent, grandparent, that you would give us a vision of what it looks like to love the children that you have entrusted to our care. we feel like we're doing it wrong as parents. And I pray that you would open our eyes to what we can do right, that we would do the possible while having faith that you would do the impossible.

So for every parent who's struggling, Jesus, I pray that you might refresh them, that you might restore them, that you might give them new ideas to love their children like you love us. And we pray this in Jesus' name. And God's people said, Amen.