The Church of Eleven22 - Wk 5: The Vow

Episode Date: February 14, 2021

Marriage is a covenant not a contract. A contract says, “If you...then I...” A covenant says, “No matter what, I DO.” Click Series Resources to download the series journal, watch RELATE and more.

question now. Introduce yourself and tell him how long you've been married. Hey, I'm Paul Larson, and I've been married to Sally for 37 wonderful years. I'm Cameron Merritt. And I'm Jacob Merritt. And we've been married nine months. I'm Glenn Doyle. I'm Joy Doyle.

And we've been married for 35 years. So if you could boil down, you say you're married two years. Almost two years. You had to give me one piece of marriage advice. Well, disclaimer, I don't feel like anytime anyone has asked me a question, I instantly say, like, I don't feel like we can give any marriage advice. But I think we've both talked about that it really matters who you marry. Like, you've got to, who you marry, that's who it is.

And so you can do everything else right, but if you don't like that person, you know. I would say the most important thing is your personal relationship with the Lord. and I think for a while in our dating relationship, our most important thing was each other. Over the past few years, I've been learning. The most important thing is that one-on-one relationship with the Lord. I would say become very good friends so that you can talk to each other and share

and be open and authentic to each other. We value our relationship. between each other more than we value anything else on the earth. I think just investment in the other person and trying to, you go in planning on giving 100% today. I hear it with people that are newly married, a lot of, you know, well, we just, you know, we're both equal in the marriage. You are. But the truth of the matter is you can't be on your A game 100% of the times.

It's also an idea of not keeping a scorecard. with each other, not holding on to wrongs, also not, you know, provoking each other when we're not in a particularly good place as part of them. You know, be quiet, just give each other some grace. Amen and amen. How are we doing, church? You ready for this? Hope so. Grab your Bibles. We're going to be in Song of Solomon chapter three. As we get started, I want to say what's up to our students that we're at one weekend. Glad you guys are here. Gathered at all of our campuses. In case you don't know, our over 400 students and adult leaders gathered for the weekend to discover and deepen a relationship with Jesus Christ, and we had 20 of our students

surrender their life to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. So, way to go. Also, if you are a high school and middle school student or own one, and they are not plugged into our student ministry, you are missing an incredible opportunity to help raise a kid in the gospel. So please join our student ministry on Wednesday nights. Today, we are going to talk about, we're going to talk about marriage. And by the way, I didn't really intend for it to work out this way, but happy Valentine's Day. And if that's news to you, that's all right. You still have some time to rectify it, just so you know. St. Valentine is the patron saint of lovers, epileptics, and beekeepers. Did you know that? And they chopped his head off in 269 AD, which I think is why

it's Valentine's Day if you're like, I'm not even getting a card. Well, get ready for heavy head chopped off, all right? That's pretty much how that goes. So we have been following through the lives and times of Solomon and the Schuomite woman. And week one, we talked about what it means to be a godly man. We two, what it means to be a godly woman. This godly woman was smart enough to understand that she had some goats that needed to eat, and he had some shepherd's tents, they had some food. And so she positioned herself in such a way that they would run into each other in the field.

They kind of got, they had eyes for each other. They went on a date. Remember that? He came bounding over the hills. And they went on on a date. And then one thing leads to another. She gets all heated up. She says, I want you come to my mom's room, which is kind of weird, but I guess it was the open

room. And he said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, do not arouse or awake in love until it so desires. Just as a warning, next week, it's going to desire. It's going to awake. We're going to talk about the honeymoon. And these have all been PG-13-ish, but next week specifically. But today, we're going to talk about their wedding day, the day they get married. And so I hope, what I hope to do is to paint a picture if you're not married yet and want to be

married, I hope to hopefully paint a picture about what you're getting into, that it's a covenant, not a contract. And if you are married, I want to hopefully remind you of what you promised the day you got married. And I do want to say this. If you're single, if you're single again, if you're a widow, just hear me, please. Where the ideal is unrealized, grace amounts. And if it's really tough for you right now, I promise you, I promise you, I promise you. There are people less than 10 people away from you that I watched singing just a minute ago with their hands up saying, Nothing, nothing is better than you, Jesus. And so just know that, and that we are your church family,

and we are here to put our arms around you as an extension of what God has for you. And no matter how hard it is, whether you're divorced or whatever happened, no matter how hard it is, I promise you, I promise you, I promise you that there is no person that can do in your life what Jesus Christ can do in your life. Amen. Amen. So, as we talk about being married, pray for all the things. the married people, good Lord, we need it. All right, chapter 3, verse 6, we'll pick it up here.

This is her talking. This is the day of their wedding. And she says, what is that coming up from the wilderness like columns of smoke? She knows that their wedding day is a divine appointment. It is not just a legal interaction. You see, when she says it's like columns of smoke all throughout the Old Testament, when Moses led the people of Israel out of Egypt and they crossed over the Red Sea and they were wandering around in the desert, the Lord would lead them in the day as a pillar of smoke. And that's what she's saying. She's saying as he is coming to our wedding day, he is being led by God. This is a divine appointment, not just a legal contract. Did you know that in the state of Florida, all you need to get married is you got to go get your marriage license. You've got to wait

three days. They'll give you a marriage license. And then anybody with a notary public can marry you. that you could walk down the aisle, frozen food section of Publix, get to the place where they sell the lottery tickets and stuff, and they can notarize your marriage license, and you could have the reception right there, okay? That's all it takes. But what she is saying is this is more than that. This is more than just a legal event.

This is a divine appointment by God. Now, I have had some people ask me this question. Do we have to get married legally? Can't we just be married in God's eyes? I don't know what that means, okay? Because what's happening in God's economy is one man plus one woman become one, become one. That means financially, that means legally, that means physically. We're going to talk about that a lot next week.

That means emotionally, relationally. Two families become one family. You go from two homes to one home, one bedroom, one bed, the two become one. And when people ask this question, it makes me scratch my head and say, what's actually going on behind this? what are you trying to get around here? Because it's usually some kind of financial situation or legal agreement or something like that. And which I would say, listen, listen, fella, the Bible says that we're supposed to love our wives like Christ loved the church. And he did not find a work around to be able to adopt us into his family without giving all.

That he gave all of himself to adopt all of us into his family. And if you're not willing to take on all that it means for her to be your wife, then you're not ready to be her husband. And so she looks at this and says, what is that coming up from the wilderness like columns of smoke again? This is a divine appointment. Perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all the fragrant powders of a merchant. He smells good, fellas try to smell good.

Verse seven. Behold, it is the litter of Solomon. Now the word litter doesn't mean that, like, him and his dogs are coming. That's not what that means. A litter is like one of those, have you ever seen one of those couches that, like, the servants carry and somebody's sitting up on top? That's how he's rolling in, okay? He's coming in on one of those things.

It says, Behold, it is the litter or the couch of Solomon. Around it are 60 mighty men. How many groomsmen did you have? This brother's got 60, and listen to who they are. Some of the mighty men of Israel, all of them wearing swords and experts in war, each with his sword at his thigh. They don't doing concealed carry. They're doing an open carry.

They showed up to the wedding, swords out. Can you imagine coming to your wedding and all your groomsmen got like AR-15s and 300 wind mags and sawed off shotguns and, you know, whatever, Glock 45s. Pulled out, ready. Why? This is kind of a big deal. Look at why. Against terror by night.

Let me ask you this question. Who in your life is fighting for your marriage? Do you have people in your life fighting for your marriage? Because I'm going to tell you what? You got somebody fighting against it. Think about how the Bible starts. There's a wedding and then there's a war. The devil does not show up in the Bible until Adam and Eve get married.

And then the first thing he goes after is he tries to get in between them. Who do you have in your life that is fighting for your marriage? If I do your wedding, this is what I do. I don't do as many as I used to. But when I do one, I do the question of intent. You know, the bride comes down with whoever's walking with her, and everybody's standing up there. And then I say, do you take this man?

And she says, sure. I go, do you take her? I do. And I leave them and I walk around them and I look at the crowd. And I say this every time. In a world that does not help people stay married, will you do your part to pray for, to encourage, to love this couple so that they can fulfill their marital covenant till death do us part?

If not, they want to un-invite you to the reception. Everybody's like, ha, I'm not kidding. And then everybody goes, we do, but do you really? Who do you have in your life fighting for your marriage? And here at 1122, we try to make it so easy. Listen, if you're online, you click one button, you can zoom in with some other people and get to know them. If you're in any of our physical buildings,

you could stop by the Connect Center on the way out and say, if you're a married couple, this is for anybody, but you can say, we need some people fighting for our marriage. And I know what you say, you're like, well, I'm too busy. I promise you this. You find any married couple, and they've gotten in the ditch a little bit,

and they wish, they wish, they wish. They could go back in time and find time, and they're busy. scheduled to surround themselves with some people to help them stay married. See, I got elders over me, asking me all kind of probing questions. I got friends around me, and they're helping me stay married. I was at lunch with Pastor Ben Williams, maybe it was breakfast, probably six or eight months ago.

And he always asked me, how's it going at home? And I'm telling him, I'm like, you know how hard it is to live with Gretchen? And I'm, and of course he knows, he's been singing with her for like a decade. I mean, you know what I'm talking about, right? and I'm griping at him, and then what I'm needing, what I wanted him to do is be like, you are so right, because you're a godly man, I'm going to pray for you. That's not what he said. He poked his finger at me and said, you can do better. Y'all, I'm his boss's boss. You know what I'm saying? I got to fire him right then. He don't care. He don't care. He just said again,

I was like, are you being serious? He goes, you can do better. And then that night, when I got home, guess what, I got a text, about 1030 that night. Did you? do better. Do you have somebody like this in your life? Solomon's got 60 men with swords drawn saying we are fighting for you. Verse 9, King Solomon made himself a carriage. This is how he's going to ride in from the wood of Lebanon. He made its post of silver, its back of gold, and its seed of purple. I think Rick James is his interior design. It sounds awesome. Its interior was inlaid with love by the daughters of Jerusalem, go out, O daughters of Zion, and look upon King Solomon

with the crown, with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, on the day of the gladness of his heart. This is their wedding day. God is into weddings. God is pro-wedding. Jesus loves a good wedding. You know how I know this? His very first miracle was at a wedding.

I don't know if you know this, but Jesus was hanging out at a wedding and they were drinking wine, and they ran out of wine. And his mama said, son, come here. They're out of wine. He says, woman, what's this got to do with me? And she looks at the servants and says, do whatever he says. And you know what he does? Guess what, Baptist?

You know what he does? He gets some dirty water and makes more wine. You hear that? What would Jesus do? When you're out of wine, he'd get more wine so the party can keep going, praise God. You understand? That's why I'm a recovering Baptist because I bleed a Bible. All right, anyway, he's into it.

Now here's the problem that I see in our modern day marriages. The average wedding costs 30, $44,000 in Florida last year to get married. It's crazy. $34,000. And here's the problem I see. The couples get engaged. They're all excited.

And you spend all this time, effort, money. I mean, working on the details and where the forks go and how the flowers going to be and who's going to sit with who and the band and the tent and the hole. I mean, you spend all of this effort and, you know, what color are you going to put your friends in and make them look real goofy in their dresses and what's your dress going to look like? all this stuff, and everybody spends all this effort on the wedding. And I mean, it's over like that, wedding. And they spend almost no energy and preparation on the marriage for the rest of your life.

And listen, man, I've done some doozies. I've done some dozies weddings. I don't do as many as they used to, but man, I've done them on the lawn of the TPC. That's, you know, at sawgrass. That's fancy, man. Have orchestras out there. And ice sculptures and everybody. looking good, I've done that. I did one in, I did a destination wedding in Mexico one time at a

resort. That was pretty cool. In fact, Gretchen and I were so into that when we got there about three days early just to pray over the place. We showed the Spirit of God was present. That was cool. I did one at the Biltmore one time in North Carolina. This couple, they go to our church, they rented out the Biltmore. We did it on the lawn of the Biltmore. The people that worked at the Biltmore said, we've never seen anything like this. It was crazy. The girl came in on one of those Budweiser horses, big Clydesdale drone thing. It was unbelievable. Last year, by this time last year, I did Tebow's wedding, down in, or I was part of it, down in South Africa. He married Miss Universe. I've never seen so many beautiful humans in my life. They had an African choir,

they had an orchestra. At the rehearsal, I sit down, and it's Harry Connick Jr. Oh, of course it is. If it wasn't for all the gators, it would have been one of the greatest events I've ever been to in my life, man, they were everywhere. So I've done some doozies like that, and I've done just a bunch of those regular old, like, like not just regular, like just real casual, just a couple people on the beach or in people's backyard, didn't even dress up, didn't even tuck your shirt in, you know, that kind of thing. One time I was doing one and I asked a guy, who's going to be your best man? He goes, well, it's going to be my dog.

I was like, what's his name? He's like, no, my actual dog. So you're kidding me. He's like, well, he's a damnation, so he looks like he's got on a tucks. It'd be great. Sure enough. the Casamarina doing the thing, and all the people walk in, and here comes the best man. The dog comes walking in with the ring tied to his collar.

That dog walked up there, kneeled down by me, sat down, never moved. He was the best behaved one, and the whole wedding party, ain't going to lie. Okay, so I tell you all that just to tell you this. Pay attention, especially if you're engaged. Your wedding has zero impact on your marriage. So, let me say it again. Whether you had the ice sculptor or not, whether the flowers bloom or die, whatever. That event, your wedding, has no impact on your marriage. In fact, save you some money.

Make you put a down payment on a house or something, $34,000. That's crazy. And here's how I know. Here's how I know. Because my wedding day sucked. Oh, it was awful. It was a nightmare. I've been telling you about how, gee and I got to where we are. I met her in the gym, told you that. I proposed it in the gym, too, because I'm romantic, so get over it. We dated for a little while. I proposed shortly after we started dating. We were scheduled to get, she said yes. We were scheduled to get married February 26, 2000, which is awesome.

Because whatever year it is, that's how long we've been married. So that works how good for me. I'm not good with my man. And on the day, on the week we were getting married, we bought a house together. And on the Friday, before our wedding day, we had a youth event because I was a youth pastor. And it was called move Pastor Jobby stuff out of his apartment to his house. That's what it was called. We had sign-ups and the whole thing.

It was great. So we moved all of my stuff over, which could fit in the back of like a truck, and then we moved all of Gretchen's stuff from her apartment. We needed like three U-Hauls, from her apartment to our new home. And we left in her apartment just a couple of mattresses for her to sleep on that night. We do the rehearsal, everything's fine. And then about two o'clock in the morning, I'm asleep on the couch in our new house because we were supposed to get married Saturday afternoon, immediately drive to the airport and fly to Jamaica for our honeymoon. And so I didn't even like unbox anything. It's just a train wreck in this house.

And so I'm sleeping on the couch and the back door opens and Gretchen walks in. It's like 2 o'clock in the morning. And I was like, what are you doing here? And I know some of you wake up, you just wake up, okay? Some of you wake up every day and you're like, good morning, Lord. And some of us wake up, we're like, good Lord, it's morning. Okay, I'm like that. They're like levels of hibernation that I come out of, okay?

And so I'm not exactly sure what's happening. and I'm like, what are you doing? She's like, I'm sick. I'm like, girl, you ain't sick. You're just nervous. Just sit on the love seat and I'll talk to you in the morning. And then she goes into the bathroom and I hear, blu-splash, and I'm awake. And over and over, she's sick. I mean sick. Like 24-hour stomach flu, mission trip. I drank the water. You ain't supposed to drink. B-la-sick. You understand? All right, she's not here, so I don't tell her I said that. And I'm like, oh, no. And for every 30 minutes from then until dawn, she gets up and she gets sick in the bathroom.

And so when it got to be a decent hour, like 5.30 or whatever, I called her mama. I was like, it's nice that we need some help. She lived an hour away. She started heading my way. I started calling some doctors in our church. And we live in this little tiny town. Doctors weren't open on Saturdays. We didn't want to do like the ER kind of thing because it's our wedding day.

We're supposed to get married, I think, at like, 2.30 that day. So we go to this doctor's office, this nice guy from our church. I scoop her up and take her in and lay her on the little, you know, that weird bed thing with the paper sheet deal. And she's sick. And the doctor says, I can give you this shot and you won't be sick, but you may be unconscious. Straight up. She's like, I'll take it. So, and bro, he was right.

She's gone. So I scoop her back up and go put her back in the truck, drive her to her apartment, lay her down on her mattress. Her mom's there. She's like, I got her from here. You go get ready. Okay. So, Gretchen sleeps. Past noon, about 1 o'clock, 1.30.

Again, we're supposed to get married to 2.30. Wakes her up. Her mama wakes her up, says you need to get in the shower. Gets her in the shower, she gets her head all suds-up, and because of the medicine plus the dehydration, she goes down in the shower. Boom, her mom gets her out of the shower and just puts her back to bed, shampooing her hair.

It gets all dry and crusty, just like she dreamed of her whole life. You understand? Meanwhile, back at the church, the people are showing up. Because, again, I was the youth pastor. It's a little town. It's a relatively big church for that little of a town. We had 700 people show up to our wedding.

I know. We didn't invite them. They just thought they were invited. And I think they thought there's no way anybody to marry this dude. I've got to see this with my own eyes. So they show up. About 2.15, Gretchen gets to the church. We got 15 minutes to get ready.

What are we going to do, right? At one point, I called her on the phone. It was about 2 o'clock. I was like, how you doing? She's like, we will get married today. I don't know where it will be, but we will get to marry today. I was like, that's fine with me. She gets there, and a team of like hairstylists descend on Gretchen, like a NASCAR pit crew,

just, e, e, e, e, trying to get her prepared. And then me and my boss, the senior pastor and her grandfather who married us, we have to get in front of the church and say, we have an announcement to make. There will be a wedding today. It's just not going to be right now. We're going to have to delay this thing for an hour. Now, the good news is that we were broke. so we couldn't afford a reception.

I've been to your reception. They're real nice. Ours was at the church's gymitatorium. It was like a gymnasium auditorium cafeteria. So it smelled kind of like a basketball sock and lasagna. You know, it was nice. And we couldn't afford any like, well, one is the Baptist church so you couldn't have wine.

And so we just had like punch and those little wedding wieners that you stabbed with the toothpick. And then we'd have like PB&Js cut into triangles with one of those toothpicks with a flag on it, make it nice. You know what I'm saying? That's what we had, pimento cheese, stuff like that. So the whole, all 700 people got up, went to the gym. Everybody, you know, ate their little food and they were little sandwiches and came to me

and was like, wow, are you sure she's going to make it? I'm like, who are you? Get out, you know? It's terrible. Then, once she got good enough to walk down the aisle, we said, all right, back to the sanctuary. We all go back to the sanctuary. And so she still didn't feel good at all. And she had to decide how she was going to come down the aisle.

She wasn't sure she could walk by herself. So they thought, we'll put her in a wheelchair and wheel her on down, just like she dreamed, right? So we cut all the stuff. We had some people sing. Then I got in there, and there were no vows. There was not a sermon. It was just, do you, yep, do you, yep.

Check, please. That was it. So her mom and dad walked her down the aisle, and some people were like, oh, look how symbolic. It was symbolic of don't fall down because she couldn't make it up there herself. And then we're standing there face to face, holding hands. And I remember thinking, oh, no, I'm in direct line.

Like, if this goes off again, I'm going to have the Matrix. It's not okay. So we get married, we both do. She's worn out. So we do sit in wheelchairs and they wheel us into our reception, but we're out of the wedding wieners and the little sandwiches and all that stuff. So we cut the cake for pictures and then we're out.

That's it. We're done. And so my students ruined my truck, so I couldn't ride it. So I had to borrow somebody else's. And I get in a borrowed car and we drive to our new house that we just bought. And I got to move some stuff around to lace the mattresses on the floor. And she lays down in her wedding dress and we take a nap. And then I wake up and it's like 4 o'clock.

And I got no internet, got no television. I'm thinking, what am I going to do all day? So I called a hotel. hotel rolling up and said hey i just got married i need i need like a honeymoon suite they were like we got the one for you elvis state here i thought well what could go wrong there and so we wake up gretchen scoop her up put her in the truck we go there we go to the honeymoon suite it's super nice kind of swanky we come in actually when i called them there like we heard of your story we're gonna this one's on us okay that's word travels fast so we're sitting down and she's like you know what

i think i could eat some toast and i'm praying for a rally you understand come on lord how about a rally She eats a little toast. She's like, oh, that didn't make her feel too good, so she lays down and goes to sleep. It's my wedding night, and I'm sitting in the bed next to her. I've never been this close to this hot of a woman in my whole life, and I got a ring on my finger, and she goes night-night. And I thought,

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You are hilarious. Love is patient. True love waits. And so I turned on the television, and the movie, the sixth sense is on. And I watched a movie about dead people. And I still hate that movie. Okay? Now, it was awful. I tell you that, to tell you this, my wedding was awful. Awful. I wouldn't wish that on any of you. Makes a great story now. They got I'm a preacher. But it was awful.

And my marriage, though not perfect, because we're two imperfect people, I love that girl so much, we'll be Mary 21 years next Friday, okay? And I'm telling you, I don't mean like we're surviving this thing. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about she legitimately is my best friend on the planet. For anybody that gets to be her friend, you're a blessed person. She's so funny, she's so smart, she loves the Lord, she's so talented. When the Bible says that Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed, I know what that means. That doesn't just mean they didn't have clothes on and they were okay with it. That means that, like, I know what that means with her, because because nobody knows me like she does.

She knows all my faults, all my problems. She is a picture of the gospel, because even though she knows all that, I wake up every morning, and there she still is. With me. And 21 years in, it's better, it's better, better, better, even than when we first began. So your wedding day has virtually no impact on your marriage

and what you want to get right. What you want to get right is you want to get your marriage right. And Dr. Paul was right in that bumper video. Ultimately, a great marriage means that you're really, really good friends. The only way for you to be good friends is you cannot go into this thing like it's a contract, like it's a legal contract. You go into this and you stay in this as a covenant. So my advice is this. Listen, if you're engaged, fellas, listen, the wedding day is for her.

She's been dreaming about it forever. Okay? She got her first wedding magazine when she was 11. She put pillow cases on her head like it was a veil. she has been dreaming of this day. So listen, just do what she wants, man. Stand where she says, stand, wherever she says where, say what she says to say, and you'll make her the happiest woman on the planet, okay?

The wedding day is for her. Ladies, the wedding night, your husband has been dreaming of this his whole life. So just stand where he says, stand, wherever he says where, do what he says do. You'll make him the happiest man on the planet. Praise God. So your wedding, the act of in and of itself, I think we get so worried about all the other stuff that goes along with it. We forget what the moment is, and the wedding itself is supposed to be a celebration of what your marriage ought to be, a reflection of God's covenantal love towards us.

And the problem is this. We all walk into it thinking covenant. And we say I do, and we walk out at the church house wherever you get married thinking contract. We do. You see, the reason that we say covenant is because you made a promise. You made a vow. And if I did your wedding or pretty much any of the pastors on our staff, if we do your wedding, there are some things that we require that you promise, that you vow.

And so even if people are like, hey, we're going to write our own vows, I'm always like, that's fine. But the problem is you never vow anything. You're always just like, I love you so much. That's all they are. Okay? So when that part's over, there's some. stuff you promise. So here's, if I do it, this is what you'll say. I take you to be my lawfully

wedded husband or wife, secure in the knowledge that you will be my constant friend, my faithful partner in life, my one true love. And on this day, I give to you in the presence of God and all of these witnesses, my sacred promise to stay by your side as your faithful wife or husband. In sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow through good times and bad, I promise to love you without reservation. I promise to comfort you in times of distress. I promise to encourage you. I promise to laugh with you and cry with you. I promise to grow with you in mind and spirit. I promise to always be open and honest with you and I promise to cherish you for as long as we both shall live. And with this ring, I the wed. You see, that's a promise. You see, a contract

is if you, then I. And a covenant is no matter what. I do. It's very different. In a wedding, a marriage is supposed to be a reflection of God's covenantal love for us. God does not have a contractual love for us. He's not waiting for us to get our act together and then he demonstrates his love for us. That's not the way it goes at all. And if we live, if our marriages are defined as a contract, I'm just telling you, the moment you come in with a contract, if you, then I, then the things that leave immediately, are things like love and intimacy and vulnerability and transparency and gratitude that just go right out the window.

Because a contract is, if you, then I, and a covenant is no matter what, I promise. A contract's between two people negotiating. A covenant's between three. You and your spouse and God himself becoming one. A contract is temporary. Like if you get a better option, you can break this contract and go with the other one. Don't you know this? We're Jaguars. A covenant is long term. A contract is breakable. A covenant is unbreakable. A contract is for me. A covenant is for us. A contract keeps a record. Listen, we have contracts, right? You've got a contract with J-EA. Don't you keep a record? Like if they don't give you your electricity, do you then give them your money? No. But a covenant is the other thing. way around. A covenant keeps no record of wrong. In a contract, the goal is to win. In a covenant,

the goal is worship. Let us exalt his name together. And what I want to do is I want to remind us, if you're married, I want to remind you of the covenant that we made with our spouse to the glory of God. You see, I've never been to a wedding where they actually use contractual language. Can you imagine? I mean, we always use covenantal language in every wedding. day, but can you imagine if you went to a wedding and they got to the part of the vows and the pastor let them do their own vows? They said, we've written our own vows. And he said, okay, go ahead, say your own vows.

Can you imagine if you're sitting there at a wedding and it was actually a contract? And she says, all right, if you make enough money, I'll sleep with you when you want. And he goes, all right, if you don't gain too much weight, I'll stay faithful. She goes, all right, if you don't lose your hair, I'll cook dinner. If I was there, I'd be like, whoa, time out. Nope, uh-uh, what are we doing? What are we doing? If I was attending the wedding, I get up, where are you going?

I'm going to get my toaster. I ain't giving my to these people. Ain't no way it's ever going to make it. That's going to my house right here. So we would never say these kind of things on a wedding day, but this is how a whole lot of married people treat each other, like a contract. You see, the crazy thing is, is we walk into a marriage with our side of the contract all filled out.

We do, we do. and I'm not saying it's illegitimate. There are some legitimate hopes and desires and wants. They are, there are, okay? There's some legitimate things that you were hoping your marriage would do for you, and I'm not saying they're illegitimate, but what I am saying is when we walk into our marriage with our side of the contract all filled out,

and we lay it on the shoulders of our spouse, what we do is heap upon them in expectation that I don't know that they can ever, ever, ever live up to. and what begins to happen the moment that our normal hopes and desires become expectations of our spouse, we are living in a contractual way, and when you have that kind of contract with your wife or husband, it creates a debt, debtor relationship. And there is no place for you to love one another with a debt, debtor relationship. Why?

Because he owes you, or she owes you. And here's what happens. and even if they do the things that you expect of them to do, then you're not overwhelmed with the sense of gratitude. Wow, I'm so grateful that you did this for me. Why? Because that's what they're supposed to do. Because that's what husbands do.

That's what husbands do. That's what we talked about. That's what they do and leave it to beaver. Wherever you get these ideas of how people are supposed to act towards one another, I'm telling you, the moment you do this, it's a debt-debt-a relationship, and love cannot flourish there. See, because then there is no space for people to just serve one another. It's like, let me ask you this.

See, we have contracts in our life. You've got a contract with your cell phone provider. Do you love AT&T? No. In fact, when is the last time they have ever reached out to you? Have you ever gotten an handwritten letter? Hello, this is AT&T, and we just want to thank you so much for your faithfulness in payment. No, the only thing they do is if you don't pay, then guess what happens?

They call you on the phone. Hello? This is AT&T. A real person? That's weird. Because when I need you, all it gets a robot, but when you need me, a human cause. That's crazy. Or I know your HOA is called a covenant, but do you love your HOA? Because it's not a covenant. When's the last time your HOA president showed up to your house and said, we know things must be bad here, you have some struggles? So we cut your grass and we trimmed your head just for you because we love you. No, they're lying. all they ever do is keep the record of wrong and point out when you don't do it right. You see, this is what expectations do.

This is what contractual thinking does to a marriage. So the large majority of meals cooked at my house are cooked by Gretchen. I don't really cook. I can kill and grill, but I can't really cook, okay? She cooks all the time. Now, here's the thing. If I get home, is it an okay desire for me to want to eat food? For sure it is.

But when I begin to lay that desire on her as an expectation, then what happens is if I walk in the house and there's food ready and I begin to think, well, she owes me that. I mean, you're a stay-at-home mom. I make the money. You make the dinner. If you think that way, then even when she does an act of service like that, then the best she can do is just get back up to par to ought to.

And love and gratitude cannot flourish in ought to. These things are very, very, very different. And the gap between what you expect. and what you experience is pain. And here's how I know that every single one of us begin to think contrastually. Listen, I'm telling you, I'm the worst in the room. I am the worst in the room.

The moment we begin to think about what we're not getting, what we're not getting, then we're thinking like a contract. I'm not getting what I want. Well, here's the problem. When you got married, two eyes don't get together. There's just one we.

There's no eyes. In God's economy, one plus one, equals one. And so we have these wants, we have these desires, we have these things, and what we ultimately tend to do is lay that as an expectation on our spouse. And when we do it, we live like a contract instead of a covenant. And listen, if you're having problems in your marriage, very few people have marriage problems. Almost every marriage problem is actually a gospel problem. Marriage problems are things like, which way does the toilet paper go? Does it go over the top or on the bottom?

Let me just clear this up, okay? Beards are good, mullets are bad. That's how that works, okay? I just solve your marriage problem, okay? Gospel problems are when you make it about you and what you're not getting, because Ephesians 521 says, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. And then it's going to say, wives, submit to your husband as unto the Lord.

Husband, love your wives the way Christ love the church. So let me ask yourself, how did Christ love? you. That's how we are to love our spouses. Did he wait for you to do your part and then go to the cross to redeem us? No, no, no, no. God demonstrated his love for us and this. While we were yet still sinners, Christ died for us. That what the gospel commands us to do as married people is get over you. Get to lay down all of your wants and desires, and it's not about you. That you're not thinking of what am I getting out of this. What you were thinking is how can I lay down my life to serve her. In John chapter 13, Jesus is about to have communion, the last supper with his disciples.

And the Bible says, knowing that all authority in heaven and earth had been put under him and to show the full extent of his love for his disciples, he got up from the table and he did not look at them and say, hey, I'm not getting what I want. He dressed himself as a servant and he washed his disciples' feet. This is what a good gospel marriage looks like that we are serving one another. Like when Christ died for you, It was not contractual. It was covenantal love. So here's the point.

Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. The contract says, if you, then I. And let me tell you, if you live in a contractual kind of way, there will be a constant tug of war. There will be constant hostage negotiation. All right, well, if you spend that money, then I get to, you know, that kind of thing. Here's the problem. Here's the problem with a contract. Is if you live, like a contract, there's a winner and a loser.

and you don't want to be a winner in your marriage. You know why? Because you'll be married to a loser. You'll wake up every day with a loser. And that does not, that is not a conducive environment for love. And a covenant says no matter what I do. You see, regardless of the response, regardless of the response, a covenant says, I'll go first. I'll go first.

Instead of tug and tug a war, I'll lay it down and I will first serve. you. So, wives, let me tell you some common expectations that you bring into marriages. And again, they're not illegitimate desires and wants and hopes, but when you lay these as expectations on your husband, then it creates this debt-debted relationship. Not people mutually submitted to one another out of Christ, but you owe me. So one of them that happens is this. It has to do with money. It has to do with money. I thought you'd make more money at this point. Or, when we moved into this house, you said it was a starter home. Well, we've been starting for 12 years now,

but my dream home is out there somewhere. And the moment you begin to lay those kinds of expectations, I'm just telling you what begins to happen. Every single one of us live on this continuum between entitlement and gratitude. And the more you walk towards entitlement about how big your house is or what color your refrigerator ought to be or whatever it is,

the more you walk away from gratitude. And I am telling you, unconditional love walks right out of the door with it. and here's some of the pushback I've gotten from some Christian women like pastor I hear about you and Gretchen and good for y'all and latida but listen to me if I just tell my husband no matter what I love you no matter what you do I do I mean I don't think you understand he will go play golf every day he'll never spend time with us

he'll work all the time he'll do his dumb hobbies and he will never ever take care of us, and I don't think you understand what he was like when I met him. He was a Neanderthal when I met him. I've been training this idiot for 13 years to sit up straight and chew with his mouth closed and which fork to use and how to speak in complete sentences. And he's really grateful for the pressure that I put upon him. I'm telling you he's grateful. If he was here right now, he'd tell you. I'll tell you what. Come here, come here, come here. Come on. Come on. Come on. Tell it. Speak. Speak. Okay. Now, you laugh.

You know what that's called? I know it's called dog training, but you know what else it's called? It's called parenting. That God gives us these little immature humans, and through a mixture of reward and discipline, we grow them up in maturity, which is very, very appropriate for parents with their kids. It's very inappropriate in a marriage.

Nobody wants to be married to their mama. And he will never be able to be the man God has called him to be until you lay down the reins and allow him to be who God's called him to be. One other complaint I'll get is this. Good old Christian church ladies have called me up. Hey, Pastor Jobb, I need you to talk to my husband. What's up? He's not the spiritual leader in my home.

All right, tell me what you mean. And then I have some very bad news. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that the man is the spiritual leader of his home. It just says he's the head. I mean, he takes responsibility for everything. everything. Now, the discipleship is part one of those things, but ultimately, here's what happened in the evangelical world. We don't like the word leadership, we don't like the word submission, we don't like the word head, so we just made up a soft cell, spiritual leader. And what you really

mean is, I'm going to lead everything else, but I want him to handle the prayer time. What the Bible tells men to do in Ephesians chapter five is it gives us three things to love and take care of our family. It says that we are to love sacrificially, that we are to provide and we are to protect. And oftentimes I'm talking to these ladies, and because their husband, he's like coaching tea ball, and he's loving his kids, and he provides, he works really hard, and he protects, he's taking care of his people, and because of the environment that he creates, she gets to go to 19 Bethmore Bible studies all over the city. And she knows all the theological terminology, and she can pray these incredible prayers

about sanctification and justification and justification and all these kind of things. And Ted don't know what she's talking about. And the crazy thing is, because he has been loving, providing, and protecting, and has created this environment where she will always know more Bible verses than he does. And so instead of pointing out all the things he's not doing right, what about a little gratitude for some of the things that he is doing? And you want your husband to lead, invite him to lead. I wish he couldn't hear this part right now. So fellas, quit listening. Most of you aren't anyway. It's fine. It'll be all tuned in next week, but that's the different thing. Okay. So here's how simple you can go. Okay, you just say this.

hey will you pray for me about and give you something specific and then he's going to go uh-huh and walk away and i know you meant like right now out loud he's going to leave okay and then don't go get him like come here no not like that here's the oil put your hand here you know none of that okay and then the next day here's what you do even if it's not true i give you permission this one time okay and be like hey i know you were praying for me yesterday because i could feel the prayers and if he if he just even leans it you know what was then make out with him here's why He's like a puppy. He will repeat what is rewarded.

Okay? And he's going to be like, go all right. This spiritual leadership stuff all right. Okay, that's what I'm saying. All right. I'm not saying your desires are illegitimate. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not, I'm not, ladies. I'm not saying your desires are illegitimate. I'm just saying that he will never be able to fully and finally satisfy him. Ever. Husbands? Well, ladies, every husband brings really three expectations into the marriage. You probably don't know this, okay? The three major expectations.

that most husbands bring into the marriage is this. Number one, sex? All right, there's just one. That's really it. There's not three. There's not. So husbands, let me talk to you. Okay? It's not an illegitimate desire. We're going to talk about it a lot next week. But the moment that you got married and you put a ring on her finger, you did not make her a sanctified prostitute that owes you anything. They're going to get married here in chapter three and all the way for the rest of the song of Solomon. The standard is that he continued. pursues her with tenderness, continuously pursues her with tenderness. And if you think she owes you, then, and please don't ever quote, quote wife verses to your wife. If you, if it starts out wives, then husbands, like I can preach on it and you can meditate on it, but you don't ever talk about it. That's not how it goes. Because what begins to happen is she begins to feel, use and abused like a commodity, even though she's your wife. And if you begin to begin to,

to have strings attach your thinking contractual. Well, I put a roof over your head and I took you out to dinner. Pastor Jobie said that if I take you on a date, this is supposed to happen, so when's it going to happen? And what I've heard from some very godly women is sometimes men make their Christian men, make their Christian wives feel like they're on the clock, that it's like the NFL draft. And you're counting how many days it's been.

Ms. Martin, you're on the clock. Tick, tick, tick. And that is nothing but pressure and pressure and pressure. telling you where the pressure increases, the gratitude and love decreases and leaves. That is contractual. They don't owe you anything. And fellas, let me tell you what your wife wants. She wants you to lead. You make clear decisions at work, make clear decisions at home. Pay attention to what's happening and lead. And she does want you to lead spiritually. That's one of the aspects. You don't get to abdicate that responsibility. And so you do read your Bible.

you do, and thank you for being here and listen to the sermons. You could take a note every once in a while. That'd help you. And pray for your wife. You want to grow the intimacy in your relationship. Pray out loud over your wife. And it's not that hard. I'm going to teach you how.

I wish she wasn't listening. Today, before you go to bed tonight, you grab her by the hand and you say, baby, how can I pray for you? Now listen to this. She's going to say words. Pay attention. And then, listen, you don't have to believe one thing or know one thing about anything. You can do this.

She's going to say words, and then you say, dear God, and then just say the words that she said. That's it. And listen, ladies, don't be like, don't correct them. That's not what I said. Don't. Just stop, okay, let it go. Dear God, just repeat. And then at the end, amen.

And then when you look at her, she's going to be crying. And you're going to think, did I mess up? No, bro, you didn't mess up, okay? lead lead lead you see when two people love each other they spend their lives not looking at their own contract and saying how can I get what I want but when two people love each other they spend their lives trying to peek on what the other person has written down on their contract what their hopes and desires and dreams are and you're not so much worried about what you're getting what you're not getting, you're trying to figure out how do I leverage my whole life so that she can have

her hopes and dreams fulfill. So what do you do with these legitimate desires that you have? Because again, if you treat it like a contract and you bring the contract to your spouse, it will kill the intimacy in your relationship. So what do you do? Here's what you do. First and foremost, some of us need to confess and repent for the expectations that we have laid on our spouse. Some of us today, like husbands, you want to lead in your home? Be the lead repenter. Be the lead confessor. Say, I am so sorry.

I've expected these things. And here's another thing that happens. Husbands are usually the worst. We fall into roles and routines, which we have to have to live, okay? And then what happens is one spouse loves and serves the other person. They just do it. It becomes so common that you forget to be grateful for those things. You should confess, I am so sorry.

that I have not been grateful for, like in my house, like laundry and all of those kinds of things. Okay? Confess and repent. And then also, again, the Bible says that we should be naked and unashamed. It's a great opportunity for you to share with your spouse the hopes and desires, and here's what's important, that they can do something about. Because it does no good if Gretchen said, you know what, I listened to the sermon today, great sermon, and I've had this desire since I was a little girl. Go ahead, baby.

What is it? wanted to be married to an NBA player. Wait, what, huh? No, whoa, what? I can't grow a foot and learn how to play basketball and try, you understand. So what do you do with your unmet desires and your unmet expectations and your unmet hopes? Peter says this, clothe yourself in humility. All that means is, I'm going to make your deal a bigger deal than mind to you.

He says, clothe yourself in humility. Then he goes on to say, cast all of your desires upon him because he cares for you. Now, most of the time what we do when we cast our cares upon God is we cast it like a rod and reel. We cast and we reel it back in. That's not what it means. They didn't have rotten reels back in the day. That we should sling, we should throw, we should cast. All of those desires, all of those unmet expectations, all of those hopes that we should cast upon him.

You should pray out loud to God and say, God, I'm a little frustrated because I'm a Christian, we don't get mad. I'm frustrated because here's what I'm not getting. and so I am casting this upon you. And it goes on to say, because he cares for you. And then what you do, have a good gospel-centered, godly marriage, is then you have conversations with your spouse. Hey, share some of these hopes and desires. Not because I'm the end-all-be-all to meet all your dreams,

but I would love to spend the rest of my days serving you in these ways. And that's different. You see, probably the number one question, that we get around here, especially when we teach on stuff like this, is, how do I know if this is the one for me? How do I know if I should marry this person? Well, the problem with that is ultimately when we ask the question that way, we're thinking contractually. Because we're thinking, how do I know if this person will make me happy? How do I know if this person will do for me what I'm hoping and dreaming and desiring? That's the wrong question. The question, root.

in the gospel and covenant is this. Not will this person make me happy, but can I vow, can I promise to love and serve this person till death do us part? So, married people. We need a little realignment. You know, like occasionally you've got to take your car in and align the tires, balance the wheels?

Because just normal driving, right? If you live in Jacksonville and you drive by 95, you're going to get out of alignment because it's going to be in construction until Jesus returns. That's just how it is, all right? And so, and it just kind of regular driving just knocks it out of alignment. And if you don't do something about it, you take your hand off the wheel.

It'll go right into the ditch. And your marriage is the same way. I mean, right now I'm pretty pumped up to do the covenant thing, but I'm telling you, by Tuesday, I will begin to think about what I'm not getting. And the moment I begin to think about what I'm not getting, I'm putting an eye in the middle instead of the cross in the middle. And that's a covenant, not a contract. That's a contract, not a covenant. And so what we need is just a realignment. That's why it's important to be under the teaching of God's world.

word, to constantly be realigned to God's covenantal love towards us. The Bible speaks a lot to married people about realignment, about remembering your covenant, remembering when you stood in that altar and you made a vow and you made a promise. And the reason that you can keep your promise, the reason that you can keep your vow is because Gretchen and I love each other because he first loved us. because God is a promise keeping God and he kept his promise to us. Look at Proverbs chapter 5.

It says this. Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth. Husbands, rejoice in the wife of your youth. You remember how covenantal you were when you were trying to get her to go out with you? You remember how you didn't say this is how it's got to be, it's going to be my way?

No, no, no, man, you were on your best behavior. You saw dumb movies that you would never, I mean, you saw so many romantic comedies, which are neither romantic or funny. You know what I'm saying? You ate so much frozen yogurt until your brain would freeze to death. You'd go to these restaurants.

She would say, no, it's great. They don't even have entrees. It's just apps. And you're thinking, what? And you would eat at places like this. It'd be like $100 for some little mushrooms with some p in it, okay? That's crazy.

What am I doing? What you were doing is you were just, you were excited to serve her. Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth. Some of the problems in marriages is you quit rejoicing, man. You just quit having fun. This thing should be fun.

There should be a lot of rejoicing. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. And it goes on to say, A lovely dear, a graceful dough, let her breasts fill you at all times. Did you see that? At all, let me read it again. Let her breast fit.

You want to talk about rejoicing. Let her breasts fill you at all times. Like Sunday afternoon, that falls under the all times category. Students are talking about married people, okay? With delight, be intoxicated always in her love. Look at the three words to describe covenantal marriage. Rejoice, delight, intoxicated. In other words, when you get this thing right,

when you're just trying to not take, take, take, and you're not doing for me what I want, but you're just trying to serve, serve, serve, there's rejoicing, there's delight, and there's intoxication. That the buzz of your marriage is never supposed to wear out. It's not. And when it does, you just got to remember, you just got to be re-aligned. And so remember your vow.

Remember. I mean, I remembered almost 20 years ago, standing there, holding Gretchen's hand, looking at her, thinking, if you're sick all the days of your life, I don't care. I want to love you every single one of them. Every day the Lord gives to me, I want to love and serve you. I promise.

And the only reason I'm able to do this, not because I'm awesome, I'm the worst. But I can love you because he first loved me. And the way that he loved me, I'm going to love and cherish and honor and support you all the days that he will give us. That's the vow that we make. And the reason we make it is because that's the problem.

that he's made for us. And so the way that we're going to close is I just want to remind you a little realignment here. And so it would be a really great idea if you're here with your wife that you would hold her hand right now. Okay? And if your kid's sitting in between you, just hold it on them, all right? Just reach across their face.

All right, it'd be a good, make them feel weird. And I know what some of you are. Some of you're like, I know you fault on the way here. I know you hate each other right now, boy, and there is no fight like a good Sunday morning on the way to church, like an archaeologist dig up the past, fight, right? I get it, man, no problem. But still, hold her hand. And remember, remember, remember that day in the presence of God and your friends and family,

because at the cross, Jesus says to you, I do, that you can say to one another, I still do too. And we, normally we sing right now, but I'm not going to let you sing the song. You'll screw it up because it's real good, okay? One of our worship pastors, Michael Olson, wrote this song years ago. He used to tour around with Michael W. Smith, and he wrote this song for him, and he is going to sing it over all of us. And the message of the song is simply this.

I am forever yours. I am forever yours. And the only way that can be made possible is because of what Christ has done on the cross for us. So Church of 1122, may you not live in a contractual kind of way, if you then I. No, no, no, no. May we love one another the way Christ love us with an everlasting covenant. Let me pray for you. Our good and gracious Heavenly Father God, we love you more than anything because you first loved us.

Holy Spirit, I pray for the singles right now. you give them a comfort that transcends understanding. God, I pray for the marriages that span all the emotions. Some of them are squeezing hands right now, and it's going really good. And, Lord, we rejoice in that. And then, Lord, I know that there are some marriages, and they feel like they're hanging on by a thread, and some even think they're dead.

Well, God, I pray that the Spirit will speak to that marriage and let them know if the tomb is empty, anything is possible. That this moment may be a moment of repentance, that they would turn back to you, they would rip up the contract and they would remember the covenant. And that, God, if you can breathe new life into your dead son, you can breathe new life

into a marriage. And God, I pray for the marriages of 1122. Lord, I pray that we would reflect your covenantal love towards us because we are forever yours. We prayed in Jesus' name. Amen.