The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #001 - Welcome to The Check In!

Episode Date: September 5, 2023

We're back! After a few years off Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are back together for The Check In! The Check In will be a weekly podcast where Joey and Lee chat about life, sports, comedy and more. In this episode we talk about everything from how Joey wanted to be just a junkie and a comedian, what Joey would do if he saw a mouse in house, and our picks for week 1 of the 2023 NFL season. We are so happy to be back, thank you for Checking In!   This podcast is brought to you by:   Manscaped - Use code JOEY to get 20% off and free shipping at Manscaped.com DraftKings - New customers bet $5 on any NFL team and score $200 in bonus bets. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app and use code JOEY

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Hit the refresh button with Manscape. Just to give up. If I was Joey to do it, I could fucking rule the world. I feel you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to show! What's up, beautiful?

What's up, buddy? It's good to see you. Thank you for calling. Absolutely. Always. We always chat. Every night we chat for like an hour, 20 minutes.

We talk about comedy. The bets, Lee lost, shit like that. We're just going to get together now once a week and do a church Zoom, and it's going to be based on just current events and sports, since you guys

know, we're just two fat bums that don't know about nothing about nothing, but we're going to give you the best picks of the year, you understand me, and it'll cost you zero. I love it. I love it. September 5th, the summer is over. You can't dress in white no more.

and Christmas is straight ahead and if you're in debt, I don't know what to tell you. You know what I'm saying? It's Tuesday. It's over, Jack. So let's open up the church. When you usually go to church,

they give you community like in the middle. You know, they warm you up. They got to kiss your neck. Not tonight. We're going in with the Tom Segura capsules, 200 milligram ABX. Don't be showing up with a 50 that, Lee. You gave it to me.

Look at you gave me the same. crazy jar and there's you put a little nug of weed in there just a tiny little one these are all these are my favorite me too what's happening brother i'm thrilled i'm so happy to be back football season i know you're excited about your comedy career i want to congratulate you on all the work you've been doing a lot of people don't know that while you were sitting in that room con and everybody you were taking notes from the best from ralphi may to see o'clock Vaughan, the Tom Segura, to Rogan. Look at us. You fooled us all, cock-suck.

I just absorbed it. I always love stand-up. And then I took a, like, I basically quit. I thought in my head that, like, the, whatever, like, the cool things I got to do with you, like, doing, like, I know you know. But, like, what I've seen of the way headliners have treated me is something like I hope I can do. But that show that you, Steve and I did at the Wilbur, I don't know what it was. 2018, something like that, 2019, whatever it was,

I thought, and it still could be, I thought it was the pinnacle of my short comedy career. And when we came back, I was like, you know, fuck it. I did what I am going to do. It's fun. I'm never going to be like a working stand-up.

I thought it was a fucking crazy idea. And I didn't do it for like a year and a half. I had a retirement show, which is, fuck. It was stupid. And then one day my mom called me. And she was like, listen, I think you're a little bit depressed.

Because my mom, and my mom doesn't, she would have never thought I'd be doing stand-up, but she was like, listen, you've been a little bit basically to use your words of bots. Like I've been, I was just a little bit not into it. And I started up. And then I came to see you with Athena. And we went to a comedy club in Jersey. And as you always do, just surprise me. And I was going up.

and I fucking bombed and I freaked out, but I was just, I was back. And I've been back, like, really back for a year and a half. And I, I fucking love it. How many mics are you doing a week now? I try to do six to seven. I can double up. I can double up Wednesdays.

I can double up maybe Thursday sometimes. I've been really lucky. Josh Wolf has been, like, my savior. He's been so cool to me. him and Jake, we've gone on the road. There's a couple clubs around here. There's one in Chickapy that I've been doing a bunch. It's been great.

There's a club up in Saratoga, New York that has been really cool to me. It's really cool. I don't know if the word community is right, but like people, it's just nice the way comics help each other out. You hear a lot of stuff on podcasts of like comics being shitty to each other. Well, you don't hear a lot of is like comics, are actually pretty fucking cool to each other. Like our buddy Augustino just got me a weekend in Plano, Texas. So I just did that last weekend.

I've been doing a lot, man. It's been, because, you know, I heard you for years talk about, like, the steps you take. And when I started, I was just doing open mics. And then I would get little by little. And the past couple months, I've been busy. I've been like one or two weekends a month pretty much. And what I like the most is that you're doing dive bars during the week. Oh, yeah.

You know, people who are weird up front. You walk in there, you're like, what the fuck is going on with my life? But then on the weekends, you have a chance to go up in front of real audiences with Josh Wolf. And that'll, you know, when I was at your level, three, four years, I was still in Denver. And I would just do, you know, Mexican rooms with Jimmy Abeda. and I would do, you know, anything I can do to 25 bucks. And then on the weekend, I would get sets at the clubs. It would either be the George McElvey's Comedy Club,

or sometimes I'd go to Comedy Works. No, not the Comedy Works, the place in Colorado Springs. They gave me five minutes. Right. And would you, like, in a month, how many club spots would you have back then, do you think? Would it be every weekend? I wasn't a clubber when I was in Denver.

I was an open micer. And then I was doing like, Witsen wouldn't hire me because I started there. I was a doorman there. They wouldn't give me any love. And then you had the comedy club that belonged to George McKelvey. He put me up. He gave me guest spots.

And the comedy works would have a tremendous headliner in the weekend. So there was nothing. That was Denver. Okay. When I moved to Seattle, my whole game changed. I went up from, you know, yeah, I still did a couple one-nighters. I did bases, army bases. But three or four nights, I was at the comedy underground, which at the time was an A-minus room. But, you know, there were people going through there, Louis C.K. Mark Marin at the time. There was a lot of guys that you see today that are thriving that went through there. And that's where I met. them. That's crazy. Like it's, do you remember, because all I think about right now, like, it's, it's just, though, like, I just, I, all, the only word I can use to describe it is, like, want. Like, I just have such a desire to be on the road every weekend. And I, I look at these things, and it's just like, I don't know, it's like a magnet that I feel like it's pulling me,

but I'm not anywhere close to it. I don't know how to describe it. I was dead. And it's an addiction Yeah. It really is. Like you get so, you know, listen, man, to get anywhere in comedy, you have to be married to it. You know, it was pretty funny. I was watching Winning Time with the Lakers last week. And he got offered, Magic got offered $25 million for 25 years.

And he was talking to the girl cookie that he ended up marrying. And he's like, listen, man, I'm married to the fucking Lakers. And if I'm married to the Lakers, is anybody who wants to be with me, has to be married to the Lakers. And I got to be honest with you. That's what happens. You are married. After three or four years, you get married to it.

And I look back at my career now and I think about, there was a girl who hit me up about a year and a half ago one night. I hadn't spoken to her in a long time. She got my number from a friend of mine in Boulder. And she was saying that she was thinking about me, that I was always sweet when I was with her. But she could always tell I wasn't boyfriend material. And she goes, it was a shame because I really liked you.

And we spoke for a little while, you know, like I said, I was married to comedy at that time. I was in such a hole in my personal life that stand-up was all I had. And whether it was a bombing or a good set, here's the, it's better than sitting on your couch. Whether I bombed or had a good set, it was way better to staying home. Plus, I got a better chance of getting cocaine if I went out. ain't no cocaine in your kitchen, you know what I'm saying? It's not going to fly you're up in the pot. So.

And the thing that like I, the way I feel now, it's not that like I don't want to spend time with my girlfriend. It's not like that you didn't want, feel like you hated your girlfriends, but it's just there's not, even for five minutes. Like that, and I don't know about you. Because like for you, you're like, you're a calm person when we hang up. But like, you know, you're like an extra. extrovert in a way, like kind of 50-50. I'm a full-on introvert, but there's something about me when I get on the stage. I'm not yelling.

I don't have like the stage presence or whatever that you do, but I don't have the second thoughts or like the doubt that I have in real life. I don't know what it is. I don't, it doesn't. And I'll say, say, there was a girl in Plano who just had her tits out and everything front row. And I would have never even looked at her in real life. but I made a joke about tits, and I said, not as good as yours.

And, like, it was good. It was, they loved it. But, like, I would have never said that to her in normal day life. But there's something about that I feel getting on stage that, for some reason, I can say it. You know, it becomes an altered ego. You know, it's crazy how my alter ego was me in real life. But when I went on stage, believe it or not, the alter ego I had on stage, wouldn't say this shit

that I would say in real life. Wow. You know? I mean, you talked about it. My alter ego, I wouldn't talk about abortion and I wouldn't talk about fucking Nazi and Jews. That was never going to be coming out of my mouth.

So for people who say they have all this freedom with stand up, I still had personal beliefs that I didn't want to talk about on stage. And those were the two of them. And you build around it, you know. It's so weird. the journey that is stand-up comedy, whether you're doing improv,

whether you're a writer, it's, you need to get beat up a little bit to realize your real value. And, uh, it's, it could take a long time or it could take a short time.

It's really up to you what you want to do with this. And that's anything in life. That's anything, you know. So, I wanted to be a junkie and I wanted to do comedy. I didn't want real life. I didn't want to be responsible.

I had a P.O. box and a pager. What does that tell you about somebody? I don't want nobody bothering me. I'm on a mission from Satan here. You know, and I was doing triple runs and all these things. But looking back at it now, yeah, I was married to it. Do you regret it? Yes and no.

What parts do you regret? I regret that I forgot what a life was like. That's why people are in shock right now. Like you're not doing stand-up. Because after the pandemic, I remembered what life was like. I never had a fucking life, guys. I haven't had a life since 1979.

All right. That's the truth. That's the honest-to-God truth. I haven't had a home. You know, so it's just really weird how things fucking just work themselves out. I didn't have a home. So for the first time, after the pandemic, I came here, and I was

like, I enjoy watching TV with her. I enjoy doing all these things. This afternoon, tonight, we're going to go see the Equalizer, her and I. Oh, it's out already? Yeah, it is out. Fuck yeah. I can go see it. So, you know, she's 10, but she likes a man on

fire, and this equalizer, whatever it's fucking called, reunite her and him. Oh, she's in it? Yeah. That little girl's in it? Oh, shit. Yeah, no Mexicans this time. Just straight up bond and fucking,

I think Denzel's killing Russians in this time. You know, he ain't going after the Mexicans. Thank God. The Mexicans have had it hard enough. Oh, that's so cool. Like, yeah, you, that's when, it's been really cool. Like, we went like, I don't know, maybe a year without seeing each other. And then I come down.

Now I'll come down like every 60 to 90 days. What you and Mercy have is very, very cool. Listen, man, I had a chance at being a dad. I blew it, and I didn't want to blow this one. This meant more to me than anything in the world. So, you know, listen, she's already starting it. She's going to be 11 in January. She's already got girlfriends coming over.

And, you know, today I took her to lunch. She had a white skirt on with a green blouse. You know, I thought she was going to play fucking tennis. I thought she was going to the U.S. Open. And the truth of the matter is, she's getting older. and still hang together, but in time, she's going to be a part. I'll force her to do little things. You know, I drive it at MMA.

I drive it to a few things. You know, tomorrow I got to go close shopping with her. You know, I take it a couple different stores, and my wife takes her for the more personal stuff. I'm enjoying it. Do I miss anything? Not at all. I do not miss being involved in a strike, which we'll get to.

because I'm sure a lot of people want to see what our views on on the strike. And to no bail shit in L.A., like, I'm very happy down here. I don't go up north a lot. I don't go up to the city at all, basically. You know, I have a life down here. My job is a podcast now. I'm going to start rewriting a book. I'm going to start writing a book on comedy, on the journey, on the psychology.

of it, you know? When you see a pitcher, it's a pitcher, but then you go see Roger Clemens pitch live. And it wasn't that his pitching was so good as his psychology of the game. What do you mean by that?

He would fucking terrorize batters with intimidation. His body language, he never smiled on the mound. It was all a psychological attack on the batter. After he would throw the ball, he would walk towards

the batter to try to fuck with him. And while he walked back, he would keep his eye on the batter. It was mental warfare. And you think that got in their heads? You bet you fucking ass. He didn't win the Cy Young Award because, you know,

and this, I've watched how people have used a certain it's not psychology. I've watched how people have stuck to a code. and they flourish that way, i.e. Led Zeppelin.

His manager did something that nobody ever did before. He would get paid up front for the shows. He wouldn't let them do any TV shows, no fucking midnight special, none of that stuff. He had a code. He had a certain code. And would stand up, it's not even a code. It's just, it would be good for the open mic,

to understand these things about stand-up. And I don't want to get into them right now, you know. But what do you think about this fucking strike? Because people hit me up every day. And they ask what the strike is about, blah, blah, blah. And I'd be honest with you. It's about fucking dough, right? Somebody don't like somebody's dough

isn't somebody else's fucking pocket. I mean, it's going on whatever, four months for the writer's strike. and two for the fucking actor strike, maybe, yeah, two, two months. And I got to be honest with you. And I know I'm going to get a lot of backlash for this and people are going to bust my balls. I'm really concerned about the little businesses.

You know, we lived in Burbank. You know, we live close to Burbank. I mean, we were twice a fucking month. You know, and even if I live here, I still became connected to that area. And especially in Burbank, I think about tacos, 1776 That's where people

were going to eat all day From the studios I think about that dry cleaner That's open 24 hours Who do you Who takes clothes to a dry cleaner At three in the morning A Coke fiend and actors

You know like a like a studio You know Right The next day to prepare I like that place They had Oreos for free They what They had Oreos for free

That store I used to go in there And just steal an Oreo Jesus Christ Christ we Who steals a fucking Oreo? have to have some decency at some point. But that's who I think about. You know, listen, again, I'm going to get some backlash for this or somebody will be mad at me for saying this,

but I've seen some of those writers on Facebook, and I know a lot of them. And a lot of them. And a lot of them are hurting, but a lot of them have trust funds or they're like everybody else in Hollywood. They're living off credit cards. And they figure. get out of way to do it. And so my concern is that those small businesses, I mean, they just recovered from fucking COVID. They just started making a profit from fucking, you know. So that's who I think about, the little people, the above, the below the line people. You know, I'm always very honest on podcast. I saw something that disturbed me in the beginning. They said the average SAG actor makes $65,000 a year.

I lived in their life for 23 years. I've been a member of the union for a little more than that. And I got to be honest with you guys, I only made over 60,000 three years. Right. The rest of the years, I was at 20,000, 30,000. And I had to book a commercial for that, you know, just to give the people at home an example. When I got to Hollywood, a guest star was anywhere from 20 to 25 Gs a week. now a guest star is seven fucking thousand you know so over the years and listen

COVID banged out the budget you know let me tell you what happened with COVID they had to have a budget for COVID but COVID's gone now and they're still singing the COVID budget so somebody's taking this fucking money okay and I've done you know I paid my dues I did a lot of $100 a day movies and you know you have to pay for your own dry cleaning I mean one question comes to mind and I got I want you guys to know this. I had to pay for my own plane ticket to do a De Niro Stallone movie. Now, at the time, I was under the ether, and I really wanted to do the role. And I had free points and shit. You know, I got like a free ticket out of it. And they put me up in the hotel because I had a

Houston address, you know. But think about that. I did a heavy million dollar budget, and I had to pay for my own motherfucking plane ticket. You know, again, I'm not crying, but think about that. Well, I think the $60,000 thing is skewed because of, like, Will Smith making $20 million a movie. So, like, that came back, and they spoke about how actors barely make insurance. You know, during the pandemic,

the Screen Actors Guild decided to pull away residuals from counting towards your insurance. That kills a guy like me. Right. What percentage? After like 20 years, what percentage of your income was residuals, do you think? Right now?

Listen, I shot one movie this year in an episode of Law & Order. I don't want to divulge what I got for the movie, and I don't want to divulge what I got for law and order. But I'm not driving them to say these bends. You know what I'm saying? So I'm still eating Krispy Pizza like a motherfucking freehold. So, dude, you could win the lottery

and still be eating Krispy Pizza. Yeah, no, but you know what I'm saying. I don't have a personal chef, nothing like that. And like this year, I got insurance this year. I lucked out because I shot a film in June. So I got insurance. And now they extended it for three months for the strike. So that means I get insurance now until a fucking San Giro day.

Nice. I'm still waiting on residuals from Law and Order. Hopefully I'll get some residuals from this movie. I don't have to tell you that my longest yard is on every night, guys. I'll always eat tiny food because the longest yard is on every night. And my residuals big every once in a while, but guess what, bitches, you'll see it this week on CBS at 8 o'clock. And that's a nice stuff for Uncle Joey.

Okay. Do you switch to the channel if you know what's on? What's that? Do you switch to the channel if you know what's on just so like the viewership goes up? No. I would do that. No, no, no, no. I don't listen.

I saw that movie when it came out and then I didn't watch it again for years. And when it would come on TV, I would put it on for like a second. And it wasn't until about three years ago that I rewatched it. And I was like, Jesus, fucking Christ, you know? It's going to be the 25th year anniversary

or the 20 year anniversary is in two years. But next year is the 20th year that we shot the movie. That was 25th. fucking years ago. And they still played a fucking movie every goddamn fucking night. So I'm really happy about that. And I, you know, I hope that

the strike doesn't break the union. You know, the writers, the WMP, whatever the fuck it is, made a statement that they were going to break the writers. They were going to make them sell their homes and shit. That's a cold-blooded fucking statement. Yeah.

That's like whether the the way I look at it and I was never part of union but before I met you I moved to LA to be an editor and I got to work on some pretty cool reality shows but I also interviewed for a lot of shitty and I worked for a couple of shitty ones and they would hit you up and it's non-union like there's one fuck them there's one that you watch poker on ESPN I won't say the name of the show it's a big show you see it all ever all the time they wanted to pay 900 a week which is not just for a reference back this was 15

years ago, I was already making $1,200 a week. And for a union, you're making $2,000 a week. But they do that because you don't work all the time. You have to take months off. And the thing that bugged me was there's always going to be people who just because they're

Oh shit. It's that time, bitches. I wish I had some. But there's always going to be people who take jobs that are too low paying. And I feel bad for like the restaurant people, too. but I also, I feel bad for the people who are moving to L.A.

And like, I don't, I mean, not that I don't care about, like, the Will Smiths and Tom Cruise, but they're going to be fine. This is for the people who are making 10 grand a year. Like, that's what I think it's for. And I think I don't like how the studios and the production companies, all they care about, and I get it, their business, they got to make whatever they got to make. But they're not honest. honest about it. They make it seem like they don't have it. They have it. They have the money.

They just don't want it. They want their profits to be whatever they want. So I definitely, I don't love it. I'm happy that for like podcasters and for other people that maybe they can grow during this time. But no, I don't. I, the, the way that like corporations are, are trying to fuck with us, I don't like it all. I've said that thousand times. We're living in a time that this is unacceptable. As Americans, this is unacceptable. You know what?

But you know what? Who gives a Frenchman's for? Thursday night is the Kansas City Chiefs against the Detroit Pistons, against the Detroit Lions. Let me tell you. That's a good game. And I know you guys are going to look at me and go,

you're such a fucking hypocrite. No, again. when Lee and I used to do the podcast and Lee would tell me he'd watch football on Sunday and then he'd go, you know, we might be, shut the fuck up, Lee. You're not part of the Miami. You're not part of the fucking New England. Yes, I am.

Look. Stop it. So, you know, I used to say, Lee, you watch, because for 30 fucking years, I didn't watch football. I would watch a game here, a game there, you know. I wouldn't watch football. I was in a hotel room writing fucking jokes. And I knew if I watched football, I wouldn't write no fucking jokes.

I moved here three years ago. Once I moved into the house, Jimmy Florentine invites me to his house on a Sunday football. And I was blown the fuck away by the two TVs, the food, the fucking shit that comes out of their mouth. I didn't think they had guys like that anymore. He's got two guys, the Jewish guy, and my other buddy who goes over there. They fucking, these guys go off on everything. The announcers, the cheerleaders, everybody burns in hell with these fucking savages. And I just started watching football again on Sunday, not 10 hours work.

I'll do something on Sunday with the family. And then I'll go to Jimmy's at half time in the Miami Dolphin game, watch the Miami Dolphin because they're a Miami Dolphin family, the Florentine crime family. I watch the beginning of another game. Then I come home. And then maybe if the game, seven o'clock game is interesting, I'll put that on at night.

But it's not like I've been watching 10 hours a day. I don't have the NFL package, even though I'm thinking of getting it this year. Ah, I love it. I've gotten into baseball again. See, that's the one that's hard for me. I like basketball again. I paid attention to basketball. I started playing attention.

So I don't know what the future brings. You know what I'm saying? I'm just knowing I'm having a good time raising a fucking child. and I put my bets in from time to time with the motherfucking best. Draft Kings. So now for a word from our sponsors. Yo, football season is back

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Use code Joey. All right. We're back, you savages. over here chit-chatting about the usual shit. Now we've got to talk about who you like this weekend, Lee. I know you've looked. First of all, Lee calls me this morning. He goes, so we do a segment on who's going to win that Super Bowl?

You're going to have a hard time picking a fucking Thursday, all right? Why worry about the Super Bowl? You know, fucking Henry Houdini, so knock it the hell long, you know? But now I agree with Lee. Maybe we should make a Super Bowl prediction. Yeah, I Magic screen here Actually, Draft Kings, I look today

It's on your fucking phone Okay, and you can look at the odds To see at any time The other thing I would like about draft kings If you're sucking at baseball football Walla, hit the fucking casino Me with this draft king's fucking casino, I love the fucking thing

But anyway, I'm so jealous They need to get it in Massachusetts They still don't have it in Massachusetts I have draft kings, but I can't do the casino. All right, here you go. Add plus 200 to any team's odds to win. Told you. 2024 Super Bowl. So, boom.

Come on, give it to me, cuck, sucker. Where is it? All right. They got a bunch. You got the Kansas City Chiefs. Jesus Christ. The Chiefs are plus 600. The Eagles are plus 650.

They got the bills at plus 900. And they, you know what? I like the Bengals. And this is where, like, I get greedy. Like, this is why I always lose bets is because I love boost like that. Because they have the Bengals at plus 1,100 right now. And if you put it the bonus, they'll be plus 1,300. I see that one.

The top 10 teams, Kansas City cheese, Buffalo bills, Cincinnati Bengals, the Jets, Detroit, Philly, San Francisco, Dallas, Baltimore, and the Miami Dolphins. Who do you see taking the Super Bowl this year, Tarzan? Do you think Kansas City could do it again? Do you think this is the year

that's Savage over at Cincinnati? I'm leaning towards Cincinnati or Philadelphia. What's that, brother? I don't think Baltimore. I like Baltimore. Baltimore's always fucked with us, the Patriots. But I like Philly or Cincinnati. I don't like Philly was so close last year I like Philly a lot it pisses me off because they beat they beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl

I like I really like Joe Borough I was going to ask you that you used to call me when Tom Brady was on a Patriots and be like that's like what white excellent like you said you think like you love Tom Brady almost as much as I did but like now like is there a quarterback that you like now I like the kid from Cincinnati you know you love the guy from Right now, if you bet the Detroit Tigers, Lines. $25, you win $575, okay?

Yeah. What were you saying, my brother? Look, look, Philadelphia Eagles has a great quarterback, but he's been very busy during the offseason. Like, he's doing commercials and, you know, his, you know, everything went up a little bit. And sometimes those guys lose a little bit of focus. So I still love Philadelphia.

Don't get me wrong. If anybody could fucking steamroll this league, It's Philadelphia, you understand me? Kansas City, they always show up one way or another. Buffalo, I don't know. I love Buffalo, but I think they had a bad break last season. I think they had good momentum. So, yeah, you were saying that Philadelphia, you love Philadelphia.

Love Philadelphia. I love Philadelphia, but, you know, he got a lot of publicity this year. I saw him last week during the Philly, whatever, preseason game. He had the earrings on, you know. He looks like he's been using Manscape on his face. And, yeah, and I love the guy. But I'm looking at that also. There's a lot of things you can look at right now.

How do you like, what do you think about the Lions? Because I think the Lions are tough. The Lions showed a lot. That's why I pushed the Lions because if you're going to bet $25 and win $575, the Lions would be that bad. If you bet Kansas City right now and you bet $27, you get $77. Hold on.

You got $177 with my fucking glasses. God damn it. Anyway, we're back here. If I bet $25 bucks on Kansas City Chiefs, I go for $175. If I bet, look at this bet here, $25 on the Miami Dolphins, I get $650.

The Miami Dolphins, if Tua stays healthy, they've got a tremendous offensive fucking juggernaut. And they could be somewhere, but Tours, I like him. The kids got fucking hard. He got bounced off his head a couple times last, you know, the fucking protocols and all this shit. In the old days, they put that motherfucker back in. They give him a little fucking smelling salt.

You get like Sally's panties and put it under his nose, and it comes right out of it. And boom, we're back like fucking herpes. That shit is strong, dude. Josh Potter brings that on the road with him. He doesn't do like Red Bulls or stuff. The smelling salts. That stuff is strong.

But I like golf, like that, the quarterback for the Lions. Like, I just like, like, like, L.A. threw him to the side. I like the coach of the Lions. I don't know what it is. And it's hard for me. I can't root for another team. But I don't think the Patriots have a shot

in hell. Well, you never know. Let's talk about the Patriots Sunday. They're going up against Philadelphia at home, and they're retiring fucking Brady's shirt. So you look at a game like that, and you're like, Philadelphia is going to steamroller. Yeah, you think so.

God knows if somebody puts a leprecha up fucking Tom Brady's ass and knows out there, and New England wins 44 to nothing. What's that going to look like? That's why I'll stay away from that game. Right now, the only game I'm thinking about for Sunday, early games, game is I like the Jaguars.

Really? Who are they playing? They're minus five against the Indianapolis coast. On Thursday night, I'm going with nobody yet. But let me put it today this way. Kansas City's playing at home. It's the season opener Thursday night. You know, you never seen a bookie with a fucking part-time job. All right.

I mean, it can't be that simple. They're given six and a half. What can you see? I don't know what the over and under is. For which one? For Kansas City, Detroit on Thursday night. This Thursday. 53 and a half right now.

Okay, there you have it. So, you know, those games, those specialty games usually go, if on a regular day, I could see fucking, you know, Detroit scores some points. And I don't have to tell you what Kansas City could do. So 53 looks like a fucking fart in a cup. It ain't no big deal. But at the same time, I don't know. What if fucking? Detroit comes out and puts on 26 points, and they score three,

and you got 29 for fucking total. So there's so many crazy things that can happen. I will not look at Thursday till Thursday this week. Right now going into Sunday, I love fucking the Jaguars with my little blonde dude that can throw the ball. And you'll do the line? Yeah, Indies five, five points, minus five. And then Monday night you got a great game.

Again, this is a sentimental game. You got 9-11, New York City, Aaron Rogers, starting at the giant stadium against the fucking Buffalo bills. You know, I mean, who could pick this one? So I see. The overrun is lower, though. It's 46. Yes, that's why I like this with the over on this. But right now I like the over.

Let's see what happens over the weekend. But that's who I would go with. Listen, it's a, I've told you motherfucklings for years. If you're going to put some bets in, it's like the crucifixion, right? Thursday, they put one nail in your fucking head. Friday, you think you're going to win back some money, so you bet college basketball, whatever. They put another nail in your coffin. So now you're hanging up with one nail.

And then come Saturday, you're fucking bet again. Now you got two nails in your hand. Then Sunday you lose the first game. That's a nail in your foot. afternoon game, that's the other foot, and then you lose the Sunday game. That's just a chisel to your fucking head. And now you better pray for fucking barabbas

to get you out of a pinch for Monday night so you can win back. If not, you've got to pay that book on Thursday or in today's Fan duel, Graft Kings, all these casino things. You know, they take it right out of you, which I appreciate these

because I don't got to see no guy in a diner on Thursday. Right. My little $25 bed and I, know where I stand. Now, I have a few questions. Hit me. Would you, do you usually bet early season? Because to me, like anyone who, I can't imagine betting preseason.

But even like the first week. Preseason, you got a monkey on your back. I can see you a young guy. And I betting a fucking horse or something. All right. But first season, listen, Baltimore is given 10. 12 points to Houston. That's a lot of fucking wood.

On paper, I could see Houston, you know, Baltimore beating them by fucking 80 points. But 12 points on open, and watch, I'm going to bite my tongue. I guarantee fucking Baltimore beats them. I wouldn't do it the first week. I wonder if like unders are more popular. Like at the beginning, not popular, but like if you see a lot of unders in the season, in the preseason, because like, or in the first couple weeks. The problem with football is, listen, they're going to kill you one way or another.

It's like Blondie. You know what I'm saying? Blondie's going to get you on. way or another. So football's going to get you one way another. It's up to you how long you want to get in there. You know, everybody talks about a bankroll, this and this. Well, now it's your ATM card, right? You put your ATM card there and you fucking, they bang you out. So you're not going to go into big time debt unless you steal grandma's ATM card, which I can see a lot of knuckleheads doing that shit. But, you know, this, when I was a kid, I didn't, I fucked up with gambling so much. and I didn't do it again.

And then I went to work for a sports betting service and I sat behind the lines and I saw the mentality of it. And you start to understand the gambler. And that's the last thing I want to do. I don't want to become a gambler. But I don't mind putting $25 in the game to make it more exciting.

Oh, I love it. I love it. You know, what I like about drafting, they have the fucking quick GSPs, the same game parlays? Yeah. All right? those things are fucking tits

because you can bet ten bucks on one of those things like right now like the you know one of the football ones I saw was check this out they have and you can bet this tonight they have what the fuck is it

like the guy from Miami to leave the league in scoring whatever his name is Malik I don't know Tyree Kill to lead the league in receiving yards. It's betting plus 900, right? You throw $10 on that, you throw a $20 on that, you win $200.

That's crazy. If you throw a $10 bill on it, you win $100. For $10 to watch it, kick it off with Kelsey. Travis Kelsey to score first touchdown, plus $500. Right? So like, but do you, how many bets will you put in in a week? Like, what do you think is smart? Like, if you're just having fun, that's something different.

But if you're trying to actually win, do you do like one bet, two, like, what do you normally do? I go with what I like. Okay? I go with what I like. If I wake up one morning and I'm like, I look at, first, for me, it starts with Yahoo. I click on the Yahoo and I see the matchups. You're the only person who still goes to Yahoo. You know me.

old school motherfucker. I still got a hop-mail. What do we get in there? You know what I'm saying? And then we take it from there. And then if I see something that looks interesting, I'll see what time it's at, and I'll see who's pitching, who's, you know. And usually in baseball, you've got to give a run and a half, but you

start to know teams. Like this year, my biggest thing I had was Cincinnati. Cincinnati either loses outright or they're going to beat you by one run on a month, They're going to come from behind. They're very exciting. They're having a great time when they play baseball. You don't see that much.

I mean, they got beat up by fucking, they're on a West Coast trip now. They got beat up by San Diego. I don't know who they're playing tonight. I have no fucking idea. But like today was a great day to gamble because you had four baseball games. And it was a beginning of college football. And draftings was giving you 50% profit boost for baseball.

So you put 20 bucks on some. you're collecting, you know, 58, at least I'm doubling my money. I'm not going to put $25 to win fucking 42. I'm not taking that sweat. I got to double it. Even if it's $62, I double it, you know? That's how I look at things. I'm not looking to become a millionaire.

I'm just looking to have some fun. If I'm bored one day, I look at the thing, boom, Bob, beef. And you fucking, there you are, like Johnny Bamboo. It doesn't matter if I bet five or a hundred. Baseball gives me so much anxiety. If I bet baseball as much as I'm going to bet football, I would die of a heart attack. Because baseball takes so goddamn long that I can't,

it gives me anxiety to watch it. I don't know how you bet that. First of all, you know, I don't, it's not like I do it a lot. I don't have the baseball package. So I can't really watch the game. So if I can't watch the game, I can't really cheer for them.

You know what I'm saying? Next year, I'll watch the series, and you can't, listen, baseball will kill you because it's every day. Yeah. Every day. So don't even think about it. If you look at something one day and it looks good to you, for me, it was Baltimore this year, Tampa Bay. I mean, you bet the Yankees, it's like giving away money to charity. You know, you can't figure.

Finally, they beat Detroit yesterday with Derek Cole, Gary Cole on the mound or whatever. Yeah, baseball is going to suck you dry. It's like basketball. It's every day. Fucking, listen, you get me a guy with a turban who reads fucking minds. He's not going to bust out fucking seven winners a week, okay? That's why when you see a psychic sign go in there, fuck with him. Listen, give me the next week on the track.

They're all stumbled. They can tell you about a great nephew that's looking for you in the spirit world, but you can't tell me the fucking winner. Give me a break. All right. if you're a psychic, you throw and eat at me. Yeah, why has no one even, I've never even heard that? Why is no psychic doing sports?

Because it's, listen, Michael Jordan couldn't win and he played the game. Arch Leicester couldn't win, and he played the game. You had about five or six athletes that were legitimate fucking gamblers. And listen, come on, who doesn't bet on themselves or teams that you know what they're about? So if they can't beat it, who the fuck are you to think? Well, I got to assist them. Yeah. Your system is a fucking loan from grandma in about a year when you're fucking, you know, selling blood at the clinic. Did you see that, like that article, like Phil Nicholson bet like a billion dollars?

I think he said it was bullshit, but I believe it. Yeah, these guys, you know, listen, when you have that, I am not a degenerate, but I've seen degenerate gamblers. And the number one, the degenerate gambler I saw is my mother, the horses and baseball. That's the recipe for fucking death right there. you know so I don't like it's hard to say because she like just the idea of a phone

would have fucked her up but like what do you think like something like that like being able to bet from your house without having to go anywhere what would like what would your mom have thought about that well listen it's not like I could go on the computer and just make the bet

and tell them I'm going to pay him on Thursday right today's world's a little different I mean you have people gambling look with New York made the first three months of gambling. It's unreal because people are gambling now that were never gambling before. Never. They started during the pandemic because they were born.

Whether it was playing cards with a live dealer, you know, playing car, whatever. It's entertainment, guys. It's entertainment. Yeah, if you're a poker guy, you might make it to the finals, you know. I don't know how that works. I don't like cards. I don't know anything about cards. every once in a while go on casino

Blackjack Casino I play like 50 cents blackjack I get my ass kicked I don't know what I'm doing I'm not holding I'm not calling I even tried to play the dice The computer almost fucking blew up You know I don't know much about it I didn't grow up playing cards and dice

You know I'd love to tell you that I played in an alley that wasn't me So But yeah it's just responsibly It's like drinking It's like doing coke you do coke one night a week you light your nutsack on fire, you jump up and down. When you do it six nights a week, it's going to end bad.

You know what I'm saying? Anything you do six nights a week is going to fucking end bad. You can drink vodka every night. Oh, well, nobody will smell it. Well, when do you start pissing blood? Then you'll smell it. Blood mixed with alcohol. I know a couple Russians that smell like that.

Bloody vodka, you ever smell them? It's like a fucking, they smell like a fucking bloody married, but without the celery stick. Anyway. I'm just imagining a, I don't know, a ball set getting lit up fire. So yeah, that's where you're at this weekend. And listen, you wait all year for this.

There's people that wait all fucking year for this time of the year. I love football. Hummus goes up 20%. Not in my household. It's fucking onion dip. I want to smell of sour cream farts. Like, do you have anything? Like, like you said, we're both sad fucks.

Like, that's, I don't do it anymore. But my favorite thing to do when I lived in L.A. with you on Sundays was to get at pizza and wings and chips and cold soda, and I just sit there, and, like, I literally could have, like, my skin could have grafted to the couch. I love, there's nothing I love more than pizza and wings. Like, what would you get, like, if you were going to go to town on football? If I was going to go to town on football,

I'd get some fucking fried rice from, what's his name, Peking, when Teddy Freddie, Mom Betty over at Kings, get a couple fucking, on all their spare ribs. Yeah. But I won't do that. I don't do that because I don't like eating in my fucking I don't like eating downstairs I'm from this motherfucker

and I don't want them in here I'm down to one cat so I have friends in this area that have little mice in the winter I see a mice I call this fucking house I like this motherfucker out fire I see a mouse so really yeah I don't like mice no one likes mice but what do you do what do you do I just told you I would like the fucking house on fire I don't like goddamn mice.

Scarface didn't like Colombians. I don't like mice and flies. I was down the out of banks last week, and I took some mushrooms like I did tonight. And I'm sitting there getting sun, listen to music. Madonna, I'm listening to fucking Michael Shankner. But the whole time, I'm just killing flies. Then landing on my thigh,

and I would smack them, take the wing off, and put them in between my legs. By the time I finished, on the mushrooms, there was like 11 flies buzzing around. So they were still alive. So I put them in the fucking jar with one inch of water. And I put them outside.

The sun beamed on them all day. I came back two days later. They were a complete different color. You know what I'm saying? They had that disease Michael Jackson had. It was that skin got all light. What's it called the Montesopelia? Bittaligo?

Billelago. Yeah, it looks like they had Villaligo and shit. The stuff you do to flies, dude, is out of, why do you put water in there? I don't like fucking, I don't like flies. I don't like mice. Okay. I don't like rats. I'll take a snake. You got a snake?

Send them over. Really? Yeah, you got a raccoon, a baby raccoon. I'll raise that motherfucker. A skunk be sent it. I'm in. I'll put them in the back of my hat and go out with people. I don't like mice either, but. That's what people should get a fucking skunk to self-defense. A lot of people don't know how to handle that. If I'm going to mug you and I see a skunk behind you, I'll ship my pants.

I'll stab myself. I don't want to get hit with a... I got to go laying tomato juice. I don't have a dime. What do you think I'm robbing you for? like a guard skunk could you train a skunk to do that yeah i had a friend and well he was a counselor a camp counselor at five-star basketball camp i'm sorry about the thing i think i have a walk in the moly i'll find out next wednesday uh he had a skunk Kenny dinard from duke had a skunk he had a skunk and he had carry it in his in his hood on his sweatshirt and the skunk and you'd rather do that and have a mouse one time?

Yeah, because they dissent them. They take the scent out and they can't spray you. Then you go to a fucking a sporting goods store where they have hunting material and you can buy the scent in a little jar and you put that outside your mother's door one night and fuck with her a little bit, you know what I'm saying?

She gets up in the middle of the man. Is there a skunk in the house? No. I swear this a skunk. Yeah. Have you done that? That seems like a trick you would do is just walk around with the scent and leave it at people's houses. No, I went to a sporting good at the time. Leavis in West New York, New Jersey.

And the guy had it there. And I bought a little thing. And I don't know. I'm not going to tell you the whole story because it's not good. But I whipped it at somebody. They must have taken. Yeah, I didn't know the person. You know, it was during a transaction.

One of those, you know, I got a gun. CBS. It was a CV as a transaction. Yeah, it was like a little transaction. You give me a little CBS card. By the way, I don't know. by no way is this a promotion. I love CVS to fucking,

you sign up for that package they have. You love this package. Yes, like $12 a year. And you get like coupons for everything that you need. Like when I get coupons, it's like fungi toenail powder, fucking micaract gum, you know,

fucking sunglasses, you know, shit like that. It was like when we met. You told me like, listen, I want to send you to $5. They've been,

doing, I can't imagine you liking the deal at CVS. I do. I take the deal. It's a tremendous, I'm an old man guy. I'm not 28 no more. I'm not 38. I'm not 38. I'm not 58. I'm going to tend the golden age of 60 years old. As a matter of fact, I got a $2 discount on my movie ticket. You understand me? Shit. That's how I'm pimping it now. And I re-signed up with T-Mobile because I haven't been to sprint like 10 years. So I went back. I have T-Mobile now. You know, T-Mobile, became sprint. I was going to say, I think you have sprint. They cut my bill in half, bitch, because I'm over 55.

Wow. Come on. I added another line. I got another number now I can maneuver with. Do you like being 60 now? Do I like being 60? What are my options? It's not like you cannot like it. What do you want me to do? Fucking put on nice shoes and go out and hang out of the ball with young people and make believe I'm fucking good. Why? After a while, you know, That's my biggest fear is smelling like an old man. You ever smell an old man when you were a kid? You're like, God damn. That's why.

I don't want to smell like an old man. I take showers. I wash my feet. I fucking buff them out now because I don't want to smell like an old man. So I don't want to get... You got to put in the weed in the same jar with the foot stuff. Oh, no. I put it in the same container.

When I got back from North Carolina, I buffed out my toenail. That little sand in there is ready for you. I got that fucking, that toenail dust to put the next block. blunt, forget about it. It's like smoking a mushroom, too. And that's what I tell Lee, my toenails are like a mushroom. Like, if you take some of, like, if I put some of that

toenail dust in your water, you're seeing fucking Chinese people now a while. You're hearing seeing swords and flying fucking stars. You say these things like it's a positive. It's not a positive.

It's not a positive. I don't want to see Chinese people. Listen, it's always good to have Chinese people around. They show up with spare ribs. No, I like it when they're just around like normally. I don't want to see like flowers. I could go for some. Freddie makes the best pork fried rice with extra egg and sprouts. You've ever had your fucking life. A bowl of wonton soup. And I'm ready for fucking war. You understand me? I don't go for Freddie for the entrees. No.

I go for Crown Palace for my entrees. The shrimp and lobster sauce will put hair on your nutsack. even if you got sarco pinia down there whatever fuck the missing there's no s in there i don't think you got one letter right is there copena oh my god but like you changed my life at freddies because i never i love uh... wonton soup and i love hot mustard i've never put it in the soup before that is

no i ever said that come on that's jewish type stuff that's why i like about steady fridays you're surrounded by jews They know what time it is, bro. The word surrounded is an interesting choice. What's that? The words, like, surrounded sounds like it's dangerous. Nah, not. Surrounded by Jews.

Listen, if you're surrounded by ISIS, that's dangerous. Being surrounded by Jews, you're in fucking heaven. One's a dentist. One's a lawyer. One guy has a sneaker shop. You can't fucking lose here. Surrounded by Jews. That fucking edible kind of hit me.

but the mushroom hit me a little more I'm ready for fucking war I like these this is the laughing gas I don't know what the rainbow ruts it's strawberries with skittles in it is that the white one no that's the pink one the strawberry one

why would it be fine okay it's pink that's white truffle and then the one is really good it's like caramel like a chocolate fucking tremendous and then the other one is like a crispy chocolate and I like that too I like Silly's brand too I had some silly's brand too

I had some sillies when I was down in North Carolina. I ate the fucking strawberry and cream. I was the referee of a kid's flag football thing, right? Because I couldn't run because my knee in the dirt. Yeah. Oh, was that at a school? Like, it was like an event or it was just your family? We took down there.

Okay. I was like, how did you just end up the referee? Steve and Nuno were the quarterbacks. And I was the referee. One of the kids had a final. 15 yards for unnecessary roughness. I had a whistle. You know what I'm saying? I was fucking...

But I took mushrooms before I went. I usually take mushrooms and stay home and my fucking business. I don't want to bump into nobody of mushrooms. I fucking went over to the field and next thing you know, I was watching the grass moving. I'm like, this is no bueno. And would you run around as the ref? Like you were running around on

mushrooms? No. I can't run around because I have that fucking cough and I think I got, you know, the fucking... But you were wrapping on mushrooms? Huh? You were roughing on that silly bar? Yeah.

What do you think you're dealing with Joey bananas? I just told you that. Didn't I cut, suck? But that's crazy. I can't imagine, like, what, like, I freak out. Like, I would freak out being around the kids at that age. Did you throw a flag at Mercy? No, Mercy caught one of the balls.

You know, she did okay. She was not, you know, she was... The kids just, the one kid picked them up and three. them down. It was, you know, momentum. You know what I'm saying? So. Okay. So you let it slide. What about the football game? Cocksucker. What are you picked for a week?

Okay. Let me pull it up. I like, um, bam. I, I, I, I want to say the Patriots, but I don't think I can. I like, you know what? I really like Detroit. And I'm trying to like, see, I go for, like, I try to go for, like, kind of not upsets. but I don't like winning like you said like five bucks

I think I think the the Jets might win the Jets are a slight underdog right now over Buffalo I think they want I think I think they want him to when I like I think Buffalo is a better team but then I don't know what's going on I heard whatever their star wide receiver is like he wants to leave digs and now he wants to leave let's see like I whatever I say you can just bet against me because I'm I'm going to lose I want you to be organized.

I want you to look at Thursday's game first. If you like Thursday's game, then you touch it. If you don't like it, you stay the fuck away from it, and you watch it at halftime to the end of the game. And then you look at Saturday, but there's also college football on Saturday this week. So there's college on Friday. There was college on, well, last week I'm talking about.

So this week you have college football. If you think there's something in college football you like, then you go. If not, you wait for fucking Sunday. I don't know shit about college football. Let's start with the first game on Sunday, the 1 o'clock game. And then you see how you do and you see how the day is going. If there's a bunch of upsets and shit like that, now you know.

So now you're going to the 4 o'clock with different thoughts. That's why I don't like giving out a bunch of picks. I like giving out the game I like for Sunday. The main game is the Jaguars. And then, you know, I don't know what the Sunday night game. as yet and I have no fucking, I know Monday's September 11th and they're playing a giant stadium

and it's the home opener of Aaron Rogers which people got them winning the Super Bowl for a certain whatever. I got no opinion on it. You know, let's see. I think he's a little older and I think he's going to get chased around there, but

Tom Brady fucking managed to do it. So look at that game. One o'clock. Then go to the four, then go to the four, then go to the seven. If there's nothing there, but you're waiting for Monday night, then you bet Monday night a little heavier. If you were going to bet 25 on Thursday and 25 on Sunday,

and you didn't touch it, now you got 75 for fucking Monday night. So you can bet yourself a little parlay with three legs, you know, how many touchdowns is Aaron Rogers going to have, bet the Jets or the side and then over? And you got a three-way fucking parlay. How's that for you? A three-leg part.

L.A. That's, you know, and whatever site you're on, they'll take care. I prefer draft games. I've been working for them. I've been with them for five years. One is a consumer. Or four years, one is a consumer.

And then I reached out to them because I like what they do. So that's Uncle Joey. You know what I'm saying? I love it. But I don't, I guess I'll pick one game in the week. And I'm going to pick the, I think I like that one. The bills and the, and the, and the, and I think,

I don't know if it's fucking rigged. I don't want to say that, and that's Monday, I guess. I don't know if it's rigged, but I think of the storyline. I think they want Aaron Rodgers to win that game. And it's nothing, it's just, it's the same thing with the strike. The stars win.

That's, I just, I, You got any dates this weekend? You got any dates coming up this weekend? This weekend, I don't have any dates. My next big one, I have a, show in Worcester on the 16th at Pepe's Takaria, or Pepe's Dolce Bar. That's the big one. And then the fun one at the end of the month, September 28th through the 30th. I'm at the Omaha Funny Bowl with Josh Wolf. That's a good fucking club. You're going to have a good time.

Yeah, I'm really excited about that one. And I get to do a longer set because unfortunately Jake's not coming that week, but it's going to be, it's going to be Josh and myself. And I'm really so excited. All right. Well, we'll talk about September 28th. And then even at September 5th, we're 23 days away. I want you to give me what's coming up next. This weekend, you're a fucking... That's all I got.

I'm looking for the people at home. I started doing book signings. Mm-hmm. And I really enjoyed myself talking to the people. It was a labor of love. You know, some of the agents were like, you have to charge for the book signing and then charge them for the book.

And I'm like, no, I want to talk to them by myself. And I didn't get there. a fucking idea that these people wanted stand up. But they did talk about the church a lot. And that's why we're fucking here. You know what I'm saying? So, thank you, Lee, for agreeing to do this.

We're just going to do much week. We have no pressure here. Right? We have no pressure anymore. We don't give a fuck. We just want to talk to the people that love us. We'll talk to them, and we're good to fucking go. Yeah, I love talking. On Tuesdays, right? We'll post on Tuesday.

Every Tuesday. For right now, we're just going to start with one a week and see how it goes. You know, Lee's got a different schedule. I got a different fucking schedule. So we'll take it from there. And without further ado, Uncle Joey loves you. Tell him, Lee, you love him. I love you guys.

So excited to be back. And we will see you next Tuesday. Tip, top, motherfucker, McGoo. And now for a word from our sponsor. Stay Black. It's Tuesday, September the 5th. This show is brought to you by Mansfield. Don't lie. You're probably been using Manscape ball shaver on your face. That's okay. I do it too. So now it's time to pick up the beard edger. It's a cordless trimmer that gives you 20 different hair cutting lengths all with one guard. No more messy draws full of extra add-ons. Listen, I use the beard adger. I trimmed my armpits with it. It's fucking tremendous. This baby has a long lasting battery and a strong motor that will get you.

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