The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #001 - WELCOME TO UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: October 5, 2020

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Don't go to some fucking liquor store and buy it or some guy named Peppy and nothing happens to you, okay? So knock it off. CBDline.com slash shirts. Now let the motherfucking podcast begin. Candles are. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. I know this is not

what you expected. You expected glamour and dancing girls and bitches lighting their pussies with firecrackers and shit. But that's not it today. Today we're going for bare fucking bones, okay? What I mean with bare bones is everything's on order. For some reason, this fucking COVID put everything, the cameras can't get here, the iPad can't get here. The electrician couldn't come for two weeks. So I said, fuck it. I know you guys need the podcast. You need somebody to talk to, you've been sitting there going, Joey, what the fuck you've been? For starters, I've been working the plan. I had a plan from day one, and I'm happy. I fucking stuck to it because I was a fucking mess. Okay, the anxiety started hitting me in L.A., then it downed a little bit when I

knew I was going to move. But once I did do the move, it caught on fire like those fucking fires in California. It did not. stop. Once I moved in and got settled, I started working the steps like I told you. The first move was just to get out of California. The second move was just to decompress. I'm very happy I spent those 10 days in corporate housing. I was shitting bricks. I ain't going to lie to you. I thought I had made a mistake. I was double thinking myself, which all of us do. We all put our pants on the same fucking leg at a time. So I was, you know, I, I didn't mind moving. It wasn't me. It was that I was taking my daughter and my wife and I didn't know I was going to affect them.

But those 10 days in corporate housing over in Middle New Jersey there were the best 10 days of my life. All we did was walk and fucking barbecue and fucking swim. I went to see my friends maybe two times during those 10 years. days but that was all I did well just to get the LA stink off me just to get the Maluk eye off me had to kill a couple fucking chickens Santa Ria style had to do what I had to do just to get that LA fucking dirt off me then we moved into the house August 31st and then we had a fucking wait for the furniture till the fort so for four days we slept on fucking hand mattresses I needed an acupuncturist and 22 fucking chiropractors every

fucking morning, okay? It was close to the floor. It was a fucking nightmare, but we did it. Then school started. It's only going two days a week, but those Monday and Tuesday, I got her in school or the only two days I got to run. That's it. The rest of the time, I got to share it with my wife. I can't put all the burden on my wife. You dig? Number three, now they're going to school four days a week on the 19th, and that gives me more time to hang out with you cock suckers. But that was the plan. I didn't want to get off a plane and jump right into the fucking fire. My head wasn't even involved in it. I couldn't even fucking focus on anything. Thank God. Thank God for fucking Alphabrand. Thank God for notebooks. Thank God for walks. Thank God for friends. You know, it started with one friend and two friends would get together. Then three friends. Then I felt comfortable again.

You know, the news destroyed me in L.A. I have not turned down the news one. time. I don't know nothing about nothing. And guess what? I don't want to know because it's got nothing to do with me. I'm not a member of the Republican Party, the Democratic Party. I'm a member of the felon party. So that means they ain't got nothing to do. They don't fucking even consider me. People ask me, you're going to vote. Mike Tyson's voting. I don't give a fuck. I don't want nothing to do with nothing. All I want to do is do podcast, smoke reefer and be a father to my daughter. That's it. You're asking me, Joey, where's the reefer? There ain't No, Rifa. This is my fucking house. I can't be smoking Rifa with a seven-year-old upstairs. She's

on the play date. That's why I'm down here yelling and screaming. That's the other problem I have. My office is in my fucking house, so I can't be lighting fires and fucking going off and torture motherfuckers. But I worked the plan. And that's what I was trying to say to you. Then after that, I shot the movie out of quarantine. Listen, I really wanted to shoot this movie. If I tested positive, I wouldn't be able to shoot the fucking movie. So I tried to do everything I can in my power just to stay clean. Mask, washing my hands, not that much contact. Boom!

My sister-in-law dies. I got to drive to fucking Delaware, which is a hot state as it is. You get fucking COVID just picking up a piece of paper in fucking Delaware. I had to go to a funeral parlor wearing mask, so I thought I was a Ghana right off the bat. I want to give condolences to my family, my sister-in-law, and I hope she's resting in peace in heaven where she belongs. But beside that, I thought I was at Ghana. Then I went to a family reunion,

and there was a ton of fucking people there. People hadn't seen in years. I tried to wear a mask as much as I can. When people are drinking, there ain't no social distancing. I wasn't drinking. I was freaking out in a fucking edible. I had seen people. I saw people hadn't seen in 30 fucking years.

the edible scrambled my fucking mind when I saw these people. I dug into myself, I got very insulated. Finally towards the end is when my old self came back and I started enjoying myself and it was a big mistake. And not only did I eat the edibles, I gave it to my fucking family members.

They were all fucked up too. I got a brother that just disappeared for like six hours. Then they came out of a bush. I'm like, what the fuck of you? He goes, man, what did you give me? I gave him those ATXs. tablets, those 2,000 milligrams. Those things aren't fucking around, Jack. You eat two of those. They'll put you on a bus with kids with fucking helmets and special needs. They ain't fucking

around, you know what I'm saying? Those things are real. I'm not offending nobody here with special needs. I got my own problems too. My grandparents are second cousins. If anybody's retarded, it's me. So I got the right to talk about retards or fucking half-freeze, whatever the fuck they are. I got a ton of shit problems of my own. I don't need no aggravated. That's the thing I'm not fucking cleaning up my act I don't give a fuck it's 2020 if you get fucking you know sensitized or whatever that's not my problem that's your fucking problem that's your fucking problem I'm a student I'm a student of the fucking 70s I'm an old fucking man and I'm not fucking getting fucking I don't even know what the word is for you fucking

people that's not gonna happen you either take me as I come I'll go fuck yourself I'm not gonna fucking change for you people because your feelings get home because We're gonna walk out? Who gives a fuck? Walk out, bitch. How is it feel when you don't got no insurance, you blue head, fucker? You know what I'm saying?

We're gonna walk out. What the fuck is wrong with people? Get your fucking life together. You're getting paid. Shut the fuck up. Put your phones on. You don't like what the man says. Put your phones on.

What the fuck is wrong with you people? Offended. You're gonna walk out. Walk out, bitch. It's a tough motherfucking world out there trying to get insurance. What do you get that? COVID bill. So you better listen, you better shut your fucking mouth and you

fucking don't let that. Listen, do what I do. Change the channel. You've been stuck in a hotel room and Telemundo's on and you can't find the remote control. You better jump out the fucking window. Change the fucking channel. That's it. That's why we're here. Anyway, back to the fucking story. I did the soprano movie. I'm fucking ecstatic. It's over. That gave me a bunch of A fucking tremendous boost of confidence because that's what I needed. I need to get my fucking confidence back. And then we moved in and I'm like, where are we going to do the podcast?

So I divided three different fucking rooms for you people. I dedicated three fucking rooms. It's going to be a cold winter. You want content. I'm going to give you some fucking content, okay? I'm going to give you all the content I could except porn. Uncle Joey's too old to be doing porn. My dick is shrunked up.

It's getting old. It smells funny. Nobody wants to do porn with an old man As much as you people like to see it No porn here But I'm gonna shoot fucking content as much as I can On Patreon, we're gonna do the record of the week I can't do it on YouTube

You get flagged and they want to throw you under the fucking jail So I gotta do it on Patreon The Patreon tiers are three Five, ten and fifteen dollars Start in October 12th We're gonna switch it all around Everybody gets a fucking bargain Okay, you do what the fuck you want to do

I'm not forcing you're doing you're putting a gun to your head or nothing. So after the movie, what was the next step? The next step was getting on stage. And I did that two weeks ago with Rich Voss and my dear friend Jimmy Florentine and my dear friend Rich Voss. They invited me to do an outdoor thing for Uncle Vinnie's.

I got there. It was a fucking parking lot. People had chairs. Let me tell you what my biggest fear was, guys. I wasn't scared of bombing. I bombed before. If you're fucking afraid of bombing, don't get involved.

this shit. You got a bomb. I wasn't scared about bombing. The stage was up against the wilderness. Like, it was a fucking wilderness. A couple of comics went up before me. I'm sitting there going, what the fuck? The biggest fear I have is that a bear is going to come out and drag me into the fucking wood. So now I'm on stage and I'm feeling like one of those facts from Vegas. Remember that dude? The Schrefield, Lloyd, whatever the fucking name is. The tiger came out and ripped his fucking leg off. That's what I'm on stage trying to tell jokes and all I'm thinking about is a fucking bear coming out and grabbing me and shit I called Rich Voss next to that girl Rich you know thank you for the gig dog for a minute there I was fucking scared I thought I was gonna fucking get attacked by a bag because you're lucky he didn't come to the gig two weeks ago

he goes there was flying squirrels and bats he goes I had to put my hood on or a bat would get stuck in my head that's it once he said bat that's it I ain't doing no outdoor gigs But I am doing every Wednesday the month of October at Vinnie's just to get my fucking feedback on the ground. Just to, so if you want to come down, I only see 36 people. So it's a small crowd. It's spaced. Hopefully you won't get COVID. I'm not looking to get COVID.

I don't want you to get COVID. I want you to be healthy so you can feed your families and you can have a great Thanksgiving and a great Christmas. I don't give a fuck about this COVID shit, all right? You've got to live your life. Put the mask on Wash your hands Don't finger bang nobody You're not supposed to

You see some chick Finger me for $2 You don't want to finger that There's COVID in that fucking hole Don't touch that shit And try your best That's all you can And if you do get it

Let me tell you something You're not gonna punch the fucking ticket It's been mutated so much now That you're gonna get sick My heart goes out to the president My heart goes out to Cam Newton My heart goes out to anybody Who's gotten this fucking rotten disease

Because you don't need the aggravation It's been scary, and it's been a heavy toll on people. You know, I guarantee you that they got to tell you how many people have died of a heart attack. You know why? Let me tell you something. The only reason why I haven't died of a heart attack is because I got Keith Richards, Ozzy I's born heart. That cocaine heart, that shit, that had to help me. Number two, I walked the hills of North Bergen as a kid.

I've been going to North Bergen once a week lately. Just once a week, that's all you need in my hometown. And when I drive those hills, I look at them and I go, I cannot fucking believe. I used to walk up these fucking hills backwards, because the wind was blowing and you didn't want the wind hitting your face. I would walk up those hills with a bottle of vodka and Gatorade in one hand. You understand me? That's how much how good I was. So my fat little heart couldn't, the 21st of August, I had an anxiety attack so fucking bad that I had to go lay down with my door to watch cartoons because I thought I was going to die.

I might as well die at her bed. She was watching like Big City Greens or something. My heart beat so hard on the 21st because I thought I made a mistake that my chest hurt for the rest of the fucking weekend. That's how high my anxiety and my stress levels were. You know, I put myself on the scale.

I gained weight. That means the cortisol is loose because when you have fear, you produce cortisol and your body can't break shit down. I also joined the gym. I also got my bicycle I also got my punching back so all these things were

part of the steps before I could even get in front of a fucking camera for you cock suckers so what we did was this I'm gonna put up on my Patreon I'm going to put up a film a little video of the studio this is the starter studio today

this is bare bones this is like having a can two cans and a fucking string we'll communicate that's it this is it You guys want lights and flying sources. Go fuck yourself. Go put on NBC. This is a podcast.

This is me and you against the world talking. That's all this is. So we're going to start back here for today, October 5th, October 7th will probably be back here. And then we're going to add things to it. You're going to see the buildup of the podcast just the same way you saw the church buildup. Number one, you're going to add some music. Number two, we're going to add some more lighting. Number three, then we're going to make the move to the bar.

And you guys are going to fucking love it. But I'm doing these now just to let you know Uncle Joey's here and we're going to be fine. We're going to be fine. Everything's beautiful. I'm back. I'm naturally back. I'm having a great time with my family. I want to talk to you about something real quick.

Lee's not going to be on this podcast. And you guys know, with all my heart, I love that little fucking cock-sucking Jew. I called him this week for Rosh Hashanah. He's up there in Milwaukee. He's got another month to work. At least 32 years old. I remember being 32 years old. I remember being 20 years old.

And working for a bookmaker. And he paid me well. And my job was easy. And even at 20, I was doing it. I did it for maybe nine months, eight months. I was making 140 a day plus tips. whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was a great job, but I always knew in the back of my mind that

what happens when these guys get busted or when they quit and I go apply for a job? What am I going to tell them I've been doing for the last fucking two years? Running numbers? That's not going to work. That's why I left to Colorado. When I left in April of 83, I left because not that I was stuck in a job, but it was a job that was just a job for me. I didn't want to do it forever, you know.

I felt that Lee wasn't as happy as he was when he first got on. I mean, listen, for me to bring Lee to this neighborhood, this is a family fucking neighbor. Lee would die aboard him here. We got deer, we got a couple of raccoons, and that's it. There's nothing down here. He'd have to be closer to the city, and the city is a fucking mess right now. Believe it or not, I care about Lee, and believe they're not, Lee's a mark. They'll chase him and beat that point.

poor kid up to death and I didn't want that to happen. I felt guilty enough leaving Dean Delray and other ones of my buddies in L.A. I felt guilty enough, you know, but with Lee, I made sure he left because I didn't want him staying in L.A. Steve Simone left. I still talk to Lee. He's still one of my best buddies in the world. I just thought it was a good time for Lee to move on. And I called him a few weeks ago. He went to see Sam Tripley up in Madison and they took a picture And his smile was fucking amazing. And I called him the next day and I go, Where are you?

And he was in my hotel room. That's when he got stuck in the hotel room with the stairs. So he didn't leave because he had stairs. The stairs were torturing him. The Hindus ran it. Everything is not like Curry. I loved it. They were torturing him.

So I told him one day. I go, hey man, do you have access to that picture? And he looked at it and whatever. I go, look into your smile on that picture. I haven't seen that stuff. mom a long time. I go, you know what? The podcast with me, the church was great for you for a while. I thought Lee would come from me one day and say, I need to move on. You know, I'm going to start my own podcast. I'm going to start my own network. I'm going to start my whatever. But I didn't,

he didn't do that. He just worked for me. And I kept getting guiltier and guiltier. You know, he had a couple of side jobs, whatnot. But it was basically Sunday and Tuesday, and then there's five days that you sit around. It's like my daughter. I can't have Lee sitting around for five days down here. There's nothing to do. He'll die down here. There ain't nothing to do.

I'm barely keeping it together. Thank God I smoke weed and I drop an edible from time to time. I go for a bike ride. You know, and number two, I got Jimmy Florentine. Guys, let me explain something to you right now. I know you guys are tight with me. I know you guys dig me. I need for you to do me a favor.

because sometimes in life we don't know. We just don't know. This whole move, like I told Brendan Schaub on Monday last week on this podcast, this move was eminent for me. This was coming no matter what, whether it was COVID or not. I was coming March 9th, March 10th, I was coming here to do Nyack, March 12th, and then to shoot the movie on the 16th and 17th. But those other days, I was going to meet with a realtor.

And we were going to look at houses in Dumont, Kreskill, you know, Tannac, Tenafly, towards up there. There's another place, not Alpine or not Englew Eclipse or nothing like that. There was places up there, little pockets that had great schools, Leonia. I'm close to the bridge. I'm close to the city. I'm close to my friends, but not close enough. You know, that type of shit.

That was all going to go down, March. and then we were coming as a family, April 4th, to buy the house. And we're going to move. This is common knowledge. Me and my wife had been talking about this for years. My wife had wanted to come here for years. So the move shouldn't have been a shock to anybody because we were doing it any way you put.

In fact, it was going to probably be we buy the house in April, spend the summer in L.A., and then we were going to move like August 15th. It was going to be the same result. So a lot of people didn't know that. You think that I was leaving anyway. And at that time, if there wasn't COVID, yeah, I might have brought Lee. If there wasn't COVID and we could still rock, we were closer to the city.

Lee has access to New York City. He could do his spots. But down here, I'm an hour away from the city. He's not going to do nothing. There's no young kids down here. You either go to high school or you're my fucking age down here. That's what they have down here. They don't have no bars down here for young kids.

They got nothing. So I didn't want to waste any more Lee's time. We did an eight-year run. We did close to 900 fucking episodes. We have nothing to be embarrassed about. We went out the right way like gentlemen. We let you know. There was no misunderstanding.

And the beautiful thing is, he's still my fucking brother. So don't worry about Lee. Lee's doing great. I miss him. And he'll be watching this. And eventually we'll zoom him in on one of the podcasts, just to make you guys feel. better. I want to talk to you about something that's really important here that I've just figured out.

This whole move wouldn't have happened without Jimmy Florentine. I don't know if you know who Jimmy Florentine is or who isn't. Let me tell you what Jimmy Florentine is. He's a great guy with a great fucking family. When I tell you, if he was running for president, I would vote for him. He's that good of a guy. He's opened up his home. And, his family to me. I know all his brothers, his sisters, his sister-in-law sold me the house. This is a phenomenal guy. If you don't know who Jimmy Florentine is or what he's been on or what he's done or his comedy, do me a favor. Check him out. Support him. If he comes to your time, I know he's going to Akron next weekend. He's got a couple dates. Always support Jimmy

Florentine because when you're supporting Jimmy Florentine, Rich Voss, those guys, you're supporting Uncle Joey. Those guys made it possible for me to move down here. All I had to do is called Jimmy Florentine one time because once the Corona hit, the hot spot was up there. So now we were fucked. We're like, what the fuck are we going to do? We can't move into a hot spot in the middle of a fucking Coronaville. So I remember. that I had a brother who lived down here and I enjoyed it because he used to sell fish. And what this cocksucker would do was wake up like at four, get to the city like a 445, we would go to a foot and fish market, we would get some fish, go get a fucking egg on a fucking roll,

we would deliver the fish at eight or ten restaurants and we'd be back down here by 1.130. He had a special shower put in his garage. He would take a shower because he smelled like fish. And I would take a shower because I smelled like fish. And then we'd jump in the fucking pool. His wife would come out. We'd hang out there. And then whatever fish of the day, he put on the grill while we were swimming,

the fish would be cooking. We'd get out. We'd fucking eat some fish. We'd hang out. And then at 8 o'clock, I'd borrow his car. They had a drive-through Carvel. This was when I was about 3-8. I would drive through Carvel.

I couldn't even hold the steering wheel because I would buy a cone and a milkshake. I'd have to drive like one of the fucking little dinosaurs, whatever the fuck you go. One of those little guys with little hooks. I would just have to elbow my way out of the driveway, eat the fucking cone, and then on the drive home, I would drink the milkshake and I'd walk in with the milkshake and they'd say, that's all you got was a milkshake, yeah, that's all I got. Fuck you. I got a double cone with sprinkles and whipped cream and shit. I was busting the calorie meter and bust into that.

diabetes zone. I've only been to Carvel one fucking time since I've been here, even though Lee gave me a $100 gift card because that's how Lee thinks. Lee thinks I was going to go to Carvel every fucking day and be Johnny Diabetes. What the fuck do you do with a $100 gift card and Carvel beside fucking kill yourself? You know what I'm saying? That's how sweet he is. That's how he's thinking is. He's like, I'm moving a jersey. I'm getting a $100 carvel card. Who the fucking gets a $100 carvel card? I got like a $96 balance. Carvel. I took my daughter and me and my wife split a fucking tone. That's it and that's that. But like I was saying to you, when this happened and I couldn't move up north, I called Jimmy.

And Jimmy was like, I'm on it. My sister-in-law is a realtor. I put my wife together with his sister-in-law and the rest is fucking history. So if you're looking for a house called Trish Florentine, okay, cocksuckers? What do you think you're dealing with? Joey fucking bananas. I even got realtors in my fucking world. That's how we're fucking doing it. When I'm fucking around here. So I called Jimmy Florentine.

We looked at some houses. I lined me and my wife. We liked this one. A friend of mine from North Bergen as an inspector. He came down. He did the walkthrough for me. He took a thousand pictures. He wrote what work needed to be done in the house.

How we were going to fix it? blah blah blah blah blah blah boom we're here how do you like me now bitches so this is the studio for maybe the next two and a half three weeks and then we show you the big fucking the bar the bar is tremendous we're not going to do no smoking weed even though they're going to vote it into the ballot i talked to murphy the other day we're going to stuff some fucking ballots for the marijuana thing you know me dog I'm gonna keep smoking pot because wherever I'm standing it's legal that's just the way it is I got like a three by three cube around me wherever I'm standing marijuana is legal a lot of people it's like it's

like being on Star Trek when you're with me a blue light comes right next to you and you could smoke in that blue light and nobody will say nothing to you I don't give a fuck if you're a police officer and you want to say something to me if I'm driving I'll take the fucking punishment but If I'm just sitting on a corner, walking on foot, smoking a joint out in the fresh air of love and God's love and air, I got it coming to me. Don't even fucking say two words to me. You got bigger fucking things to fry. There's somebody driving with no insurance.

Go chase them down. You're going to come bother me because I'm smoking a fucking drain. It's 2020. Come on. Give me a fucking break. How bored are you? You know what I'm saying? And I support the cops fully.

I support what you do. I support your work. You know, I'm not here to defund the police. You know, you can't fucking be mad at all of them because of two bad fucking apples, all right? You know, most cops are fucking great. I'm friends with a ton of cops. I get most of my information from cops.

I support them in any way they can. You know, I'm a felon. And when a felon tells you I support cops, what does that tell you? I support them. So go fuck yourself, okay? You can't round them all up. It's like anything else.

What are you going to say? Cuban people are bad because of Tony Montana. Go fuck yourself. They're not bad. Oh, Cubans are bad. I know one Cuba. Joey Diaz. No.

Cubans are decent fucking people. I just turned out to be one of the pieces of shit. Right? The same fucking thing we're talking about here. As long as we've got that settled. Now you know what I'm talking about. I ain't mad of nobody.

I'm happy with everybody. The stress levels are down. And guess what? I'm ready to fucking take over. Like, I'm ready. I'm ready to get my peace. I'm not looking to be Dave Chappelle or Kevin Hart or Joe Rogan.

I never was. I just wanted a little piece of the fucking pie just to let me know that I was on the right track that my work did something. It did fucking something. Look at the background. You got Deflepp, Lepp Lepp in Dry, one of my favorite albums.

You got Led Zepp on 2, the album that started for me. I'm going to get into that later about the album of the week. But Led Zepp 1 2, the first time I heard Led Zepp on 2 made me smoke weed, so I had to put it up behind me.

A game of death is behind me The last Bruce Lee picture This is a poster given to me By Mr. Alvarado Whatever is fucking now I can't think of his name Fucking great kid I'm too fucking stoned I don't know what happened

And over here I got fucking ACDC Bonfire What are you fucking nuts A little something for Dean Delray Out of respect I miss Dean with all my heart I know you guys are still supporting I'm on Patreon and whatnot

I miss that dude We talk every day. I know he did a gig at an amputeteer the other night and whatnot. And that's it and that's that. This is going to be the simple fucking studio.

But the next time you come on the podcast, there'll be something else. Then the next time there'll be music. Then the next time they'll be fucking every time

we're going to get stronger for you. Okay? I just wanted you guys to understand where I'm at. I want to close you one thing, though, that I realized that I didn't know I had no fucking idea

and I might as well talk to you about it right now cocksuckers because it's Monday this is what we do on a Monday morning what I want to talk to you was I feel like I lied to you people I've been thinking about this for the last two weeks

because I didn't know it I feel like I lied to you people over the last when I started moving I started finding shit and I started reading creepy shit and I started ripping up a lot of shit and if I got a burnt it on fire I would have burnt it out of fire I found old old notebooks all the notebooks I

had when I started from 91 I collected those notebooks and all those notebooks got taken away when my apartment got towed when I had that apartment because of car that I lived in on Ralphie's block and they towed my headshots they towed all my fucking VHSs they took all my clothes. I mean, they took everything. So all those notebooks were gone. But what I did find I got some shit to show you motherfuckers. In this move, I found like the box of my old call sheets. I have a call sheet to every project I ever worked on. What's a call sheet, Joey? It's like your name, with who you're working with, what scenes you're doing, who the director is.

what time you're starting, what the temperature is going to be for the day, what the high and low is, what time the fucking thing ends, you know, the three scenes, it's call sheets. I found a fucking envelope of all my fucking call sheets from Marin to fucking the longest shot. I didn't know how many days on the longest shot. I found all the fucking call sheets. I found the call sheets for the first job I ever booked 19 Wheels of Justice. I found shit you wouldn't imagine, but I also found old notebooks. Old notebooks that went back to 99.

And I got to tell you something, I read through my old golds and through my old fucking, like what I wanted at that time. Dog, some of the shit was creepy. I mean, I had to like fucking look at it and go, this is when I was getting high, and I would write those journals. Holy shit. I started reading some of those fucking journals and my heart broke.

I mean, towards the end of me getting the eye, it seemed like I just wanted to fucking die. It seemed like what I was reading was fucking scary as shit. You know, and I thought about those, we did these series with Joe Rogan, Red Band Hasm. I think Red Band has even posted it up. We've discussed this before. In like 2006 or 7, I'm like a fucking Coke Bender mixed with fucking Vicodin and alcohol. I did a show with Joe at the House of Blues. We did like two nights, and I disappeared after the first night.

And the second night, we did it. And I just was the day after you get high, you know, you have no. fucking chemicals and you have no serotonin. You're not happy. You just, you've used up everything. Like, you just killed it. I was numb. I remember going on stage and getting off and them asking me, like, what's the problem? And me telling them, like, I was just sick and tired of fucking this life. I really was. In 2006, I was sick and tired of this fucking, not comedy and not my life, that I couldn't get away from the cocaine. But you had to read the shit I was writing in 99 about. Like I had the notebooks. I cried. I fucking cried. I couldn't believe that that's what my mind was at.

And I kept reading and I kept and I this shit got intriguing. Like this shit got interesting. Like I didn't want nobody to get their hands on this shit. I started reading this thing like a fucking Hitchcock novel. I just could not let it go because I could not believe that I was in that bad a shape and mentally and emotionally, I mean, the only thing that was keeping me abroad was stand-up. And then I read the notebooks after I met my wife. And, you know, I had respect for her. Like, I could read in the things that I liked her.

You know, thank God. I had a like that. I mean, she was my girlfriend. But I could see me the writing of me from liking her to falling in love with her. That's pretty fucking amazing. Like I saw the writing cross over. Then there was a big gap in notebooks. Like for some reason, there was like two notebooks that were missing.

And I picked up again when the cocaine, I was free from the cocaine. That's why I tell you guys, you got to write those journals. And when you finish, just put them in a draw. And just keep writing and put them in a draw, and put them in a draw. And then when you have a time, put them in a box and put like a note of what years of these work. If I could do it all over again,

I would do it that much better. I did the best I could for what I knew. But now at 57 guys, you got to keep a journal. You got to keep a journal to see where your heart is on a daily basis. And why you feel that way. I'm telling you, it's like documenting everything. I read shit that made me fucking cringe of what I was thinking. I was not right in the fucking head.

But when you read the paperwork from 2006, The journal from 2007, when you read the journals from 2009, it's like a different fucking person. You could see the influence that drugs had over my mind, my creativity, everything that's surrounding me. Drugs were a major part of it. It's a fucking nightmare to read. But the truth that I wanted to come to you with, something I found out in those motherfuckers. I've told you guys for years When I got into comedy

It wasn't to be Dave Chappelle It wasn't to be Richard Pryor Or Lenny Bruce Or Lenny Clark for that matter I just wanted to get saved I just I wanted to be a human being

I just wanted to be I didn't want to be a mayor I didn't want to be a president I didn't want to be a people looked up to I just want to be normal I just didn't want to steal I didn't want to fucking do drugs Is that too much to ask

I just wanted a job I didn't want to be rich I didn't care about boats I didn't care about nothing I just wanted to function like a human being without fucking drugs the Riefer please the Riefer's kid stuff

that doesn't affect you at all if it does it affects some people from time to time you gotta give it a breathy even I give it a breather from time to time some days I don't know when the last time I took an edible was I had a Monday Monday I took an edible

oh my God I was fucked up I took a little Florentine's son, his sister, my wife, and my daughter, and we all went out to eat because Jim Florentine has a son and he's a little older than my daughter, but they get along. He's got the patience of the same. So we all went out to eat. And I took the edibles like I thought. I was a little bored. It was Monday. I had done everything I had to do. I worked out. Something else happened Monday. Something happened. Oh, not to compress the guy. Somebody else is supposed to come. Oh, that was a Jewish holiday. So Mercy was home. So threw my fucking day off. So that's what it was. My day was thrown off completely. I couldn't do what I had to do. And I looked in the draw debt. And I saw there was some fucking old school edibles in there. I had a mix because I brought a few different types from L.A. with me. The number one ones are the fucking the ATX, those 200 milligram. Those orange scary things they're fucking scary i didn't even take one of those i didn't even take one of those i took the ones from the whatever labs that i have that they're 25 milligrams each but they put something else in them i don't know what they put in them but they put something else on them i'm telling you right now uncle joey knows and somebody put something in those motherfuckers and now they got a hashtag so what did i do i fucking took four hashtags off the bat

I put the video up. You guys saw it. I put four hashtags off the bat. Then after the video turned off, I decided to eat two more because you know I'm a fucking cavone and it didn't stop there. They sent me a little chocolate bar.

I don't know how many milligrams it was. It didn't matter at that point. I ate that too. Next thing you know, I'm fucking falling asleep everywhere. I am fucking nodding like a junkie. I do not remember. the diner. I don't remember eating. I don't remember what the fuck I ate. All I remember is when I went to

weigh myself in on Thursday, the dude told me you gained weight. What the fuck happened? I go, I have no idea. And yesterday, two days ago, when I went to Jimmy Florentine's son's game, he's like, Uncle Joey, those disco fries were great. I go, what disco fries? He goes to the ones we ate on Monday that were the best disco fries I ever had. I go, we had disco fries. No wonder I fucking gained weight. Jesus fucking Christ, disco fries are what they give you with a cheeseburger deluxe. Okay, let me tell you something. There's other reasons. But I love New Jersey. They have a thing called the Cheeseburger Deluxe. I have not gotten to get it yet. I have been to a diner. I go get breakfast to the diner. Nice diners here real close to the house. My daughter loves them. My wife loves them. I have

not but in the old days if you got a cheeseburger deluxe it was a cheeseburger with steak fries not those little california hiv fries they give you i don't like those skinny fries take those and shove them up your ass if you're gonna give me a fry give me a fucking fry not that i need to eat a fry i'm just telling you right now in the old days i don't need to eat fries right now but i did eat them the other day so you take fucking you take fries you put mozzarella cheese on it you belt it and then you put fucking gravy on it. That's a disco fry. You understand me? You have no fucking idea how good those things were. So when the waitress came to the table, they're like, I'll take a cheeseburger. I go, two orders of disco fries for the table. Because the kids were there.

I knew they would lose their mind. My daughter lost their fucking mind. You understand, my daughter has stopped using ketchup. That's an insult to California. That's how bad the food was in California. That my daughter hasn't even used ketchup. since we moved to Jersey. She's like the food tastes like something here, Daddy. That's right. We're in fucking Jersey. Even, I tasted a baked potato last night.

My wife made a baked potato. She bought it shop right. I even asked, I go, is it me? Or does this fucking potato taste better? The potato is delicious. I only ate a half of baked potato. The points, the weight watching points. It's five, you eat a half.

It's two and a half. Give it three. Fuck it. What do you know? Maybe you eat a fucking minto out of the day or something. You got an extra point in there. But I got that fucked up. My wife said something to me.

She goes, you know you were fucking hammed. Then we came home from the diner, and I sat on the chair in the living room and just passed out. I woke up like a two. Everybody was gone. There were one minute I was watching cartoons with my daughter, and then everybody was gone. And the next morning after breakfast, my wife said to me, what happened to you last night? I don't know. I ate four of those things, maybe six, maybe eight.

I don't fucking know. Because once I eat them in the afternoon, I'm a Ghana, because I'll keep popping them. I forget that I popped them. And I'll pop everything. I'll pop one of those. I'll pop a high blood pressure pill because I'll start thinking that I take my blood pressure medication

and then I take more and then I'm walking around all fucked up all afternoon. I got problems. I'm the first one to admit it that I got fucking problems. Don't even let me tell you about me eating the viking by mistake and going on a bike ride. I didn't even told you that one yet during the pandemic. I had a thousand accidents. I melted the tea kettle at the fucking corporate housing because I got so high and I couldn't hear the tea kettle going off without my hearing aids.

I got stories, bitches, but we're going to wait and give you those later. These are the stories of the corona fucking pandemic, the things I went through. You know how many nights I got up? The first two weeks of the pandemic, I must have gained fucking 20 pounds. I was up. I don't even want to tell you how much weight I gained the first month after the pandemic. because all I was doing was eating edibles and fucking eating. Then we started working out, then the anxiety went down.

I started riding my bicycle, and we got the way back to normal. But I've had fucking adventures during this pandemic. Every time my wife goes to bed at 9.30, you might as well raise the insurance on the house. You don't know if I'm going to burn it down. Dog, I melted the tea kettle. Do you understand me? I was so high.

I fucking was watching TV, and I couldn't. I was making tea to relax. And I couldn't hear the fuck. When I went back there, the thing was twisted. It had collapsed on top of itself. The whistle wasn't even working. It was going like, whew, whew, it was fucked up. I poured the tea.

I didn't say nothing to know, buddy. I had to pick it up with a fucking towel. It was so hot. The next morning, my wife came out saying, what the fuck happened to the tea cat? I don't know. I couldn't fucking hear it. So now if I make tea,

I stand there like a soldier because I don't want to burn my house down. I got to stand there for 10 minutes and wait until the whistle goes off. like the asshole that I am. I got problems. What are you going to do? If you're going to smoke grief, you've got to hydrate cock suckers.

Anyway, so what story I want to tell you that was a lie was? I didn't say it as a lie. I just didn't even know. When I got into this thing, I got into this thing to be exactly where I am today.

I didn't get into this thing because I wanted to drive a mazorati. I didn't get into this thing because I wanted to be a movie star I didn't get into this thing because none of those reasons I got into this thing to be somebody

to make my friends proud of me these friends that I've been seen lately that I go to lunches with or dinner with from time to time listen the page has been flipped one of the reasons why I didn't want to move to Colorado to New Jersey was

because the truth was finally going to be told you know I did some fucked up things when I was a kid here I don't expect the fucking parade I don't expect the parade I do expect some people that actually wait for an apology I've apologized to as many people as I can I've sent cards to as many people as I can but I know me coming here for a weekend and me living here is two different stories you know so I've been hearing a couple things lately

blah blah blah blah blah so i keep my things light but the truth of the matter is i want it to be in this position what position is that a position where i can make the friends that i do have the friends that i go to dinner with and whatnot when we're eating and somebody comes to the table and they said hey i like you on the rogan podcast or i like you on marron or whatever i look at my friends and their fucking faces light up. And that means more to me. Remember, these were my friends when I was robbing people.

They didn't become my friends after I got a Netflix special or after I had a podcast or after I was on Joe Rogan special. These guys were my friends when I was straight up robbing people and they knew it. But they knew where my heart was.

They knew what my past had been and they knew I was a little fucked up. But they let that slide. They knew what my heart was. And now today they see me. They see me with a daughter. They see me with a wife. They see I'm not doing drugs.

You know, they see that I'm fucking doing something with my life. And they see that I did something with my life. You know, Tuesday I went up to my mom's grave. The fucking flower shop was closed. Sure. 9.30, they went on vacation. 9.30. That's the day.

So whenever that was Wednesday, I went up there. The fucking flower shop was closed. I ended up going on my buddy's house My buddy's funeral parlor And hanging out with him Yeah, my buddy has a funeral parlor And I grew up with him And I went over there and sat with him for two hours

And talked with another friend of mine That I grew up with And then I went I was gonna go get Cuban food But there was too much fucking traffic So I said fuck it, I made it right And I went to this little restaurant from Spain And I was sitting there

And just a friend of mine Called me out of the blue I called a couple of friends. One friend was on vacation. I couldn't get a hold of him. And a friend of mine called, and I said, I'm over here, come over and join me. You know, I hadn't seen him. He came over and sat with me.

And all of a sudden, we ate. And while we're eating, I asked the waiter for the bill. And the waiter goes, it's been taken care of. And I go, there's nobody here. Who the fuck are they taking care of it? And he goes, the owner did. And I looked at the owner, and I left a nice. tip and I went over and I shook the but that's not the moral story the moral

of the story is you should have seen my friend's face he couldn't believe it he's like who bought you fucking dinner I go I don't know and when I went over and shook the owner's hand I came back my buddy had a smile from here to fucking here like this is one of my friends that we used to drive into the city with and do some crazy shit with when we were sitting and when I went back and sat down the table he had a grin from ear to ear he was happy. I could tell he was so fucking proud.

So right then is why I noticed that I got into this to make my friends proud. I wanted to do something with my life. So, yeah, I never thought I would be an extra or any of that shit. But you know what? At the end, I made it to where I am. And my Dave Chappelle?

Not really. and my fucking, my man, Bill Burr, not really. I'm Joey fucking Diaz. I don't know how I got here. I got here through hard work, minding my business, sticking my fucking nose to the fucking grind, and doing spots in writing and never giving up. No matter what I read in those fucking pages,

I never gave up. No matter what I felt, I never gave up. And that's why we're here. And this is why we do the fucking podcast. So I want to apologize to you guys for saying that when I got into this I just wanted to be normal No, I wanted to do something with my life Because I had to prove to my friends that what they did for me Wasn't in vain

They did something for me I wanted to prove to them that they had made the right If they made all mistakes in their life, that's fine But they made a right choice by friending me that means the world to me and me doing what I'm doing what I'm I'm doing today means the world to them that they were a part of it. And that's it and that's that. This has been Uncle Joey's joint for this week. October 5th, 2020. The pandemic is still on, but they can't stop us.

You understand me? We're going to keep doing these. I don't know if it's Monday and Wednesday. I don't know if it's Tuesday or Thursday. I know what it is. And you don't know what it is. We just want to show up on your fucking screen and you're going to watch it and you're going to enjoy it and you're going to have a good time.

and that's it and that's that. Will we have guests? Yes, we'll have guests. Will we have videos? Yes, we'll have videos. Will we have explosions and fire? Something's going to happen. You know what I'm saying?

Something will happen. We'll get the chick to come down and finally fart in Lee's face. We'll do some type of live podcast for you guys, some Christmas extravaganza. I'm just playing it with the pandemic. I don't want to overstep my boundaries. I know you guys got your schedules and your lives.

I'm just here to give you a little bit of fucking, in, you know, one hour to maybe relax, listen to me, get your head together, say to yourself, hey, I thought I had it bad. This fucking guy's really retarded. You know, just whatever you want, this is what this hour is for. Again, you go to patreon.com slash Joey Dears.

If you want more videos or more content, this podcast, Uncle Joey's Joint, is free. It'll always be free, and it'll always come at you at YouTube. Do not forget this Wednesday, The 7th of October, 8 o'clock, Uncle Vinnie's, the 14th, the 21st, and the 28th, all Wednesdays. 38 tickets, $20 to get in, working out with Uncle Joey. Nice and easy, no fucking drama, okay?

Number one, I want to thank my sponsors, all of them. They all stuck around. I don't know what the fuck people are talking about. Manscape, Draft Kings, the fucking hard-on people, everybody stuck around. So I don't know what the fuck I was reading online the other day, some people that he had no sponsor. I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. Today's show is sponsored by my fucking family, okay? My peep since day one.

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because I'm used to California time. I had to cut it back. Oh, I got to spray one of these just for Lee, just to make sure he's not in the area to clean off the ESPi Dost-Mallos, you know what I'm saying? You always got to think of Lee. Anyway, so I was having a hard time sleeping. I started taking new moods.

It helped. It was really good. Then I got sent to melatonin These two together Forget about it You're sleeping in fucking 10 minutes You understand me What I'm trying to say to you is

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I'm paying over there, Patreon. You got to give me something for free. There you go. You got the podcast of the week. We're going to come at you twice a week. I love you, with all my heart. Thank you very much for being a part of it and stay black. We'll see you in a few days.