The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #003 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... This episode is bought to you by Lucy.CO, CBD Lion & DraftKings!  Go to www.lucy.co and enter CODE: JOEY Go to www.draftkings.com and enter CODE: CHURCH Go to www.CDBLion.com and enter CODE: JOEY The Mind of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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The joint is about to begin. Hey, look who it is. What's happening? What's happened, you bad motherfuckers. Uncle Joey here for Uncle Joey's join us Monday, the 12th of October. I hope you had a great weekend. Your family, you're safe. The whole fucking bullshit.

Thank you for all the condolences from my friend Roger Holloway. The wake is tonight from 4 to 8 up in Northburg. And the problem is there's no school today. and I already made plans with the girls and another family and their kids to fucking go down to the beach and spend the afternoon. So hopefully we'll get back in time. I could jump on my car and go up there. You know, Roger was a dear friend.

Part of the reason I'm still fucking here and where I got my comedy chops was from fucking Roger. So I owe him a lot, a lot of Christmases at his house. A lot of holidays, thanksgivings. You know, he was just one of the families where I grew up and one of the houses where I grew up in. I mean, his parents are gone, but I still got to do what I got to do.

You know what I'm saying? It's that easy. You know, death is going around a lot today. A lot of people contact me. Joey, my uncle died, my aunt died. I mean, the guy I bought the house from lost his father, August 1st, and his mother, September 6th. 17th. And, you know, this just goes back to talk about what happened. Like Roger, you know,

he was fine. He was sober. Everything was great. 20 years part of a church went down to Katrina, help people get it together. And then one of his parents passed. And the second one of his parents passed. And let me tell you something, man, there's nothing like pain. And unless you've pain, you know, all these fucking experts, oh, alcoholism is a disease. Drug abuse is a disease. Yeah, that's all great and dandy. If that's how you feel about it. But I think it all stems to pain. I mean, when it came to me doing drugs, it came to fucking pain. I was walking around. I was fucking, you know, remember when they had those pain specialists in Florida and people were moving to Florida, oh, my back hurts, my soul hurts. That wasn't the pain they were there for.

they were there for some internal pain that you don't even know about you don't know about it way afterward when you quit doing drugs and that pain comes up you address it and you move the fuck on and then you wonder to yourself oh it's a miracle I don't do drugs no more

no no the miracle is you figured out where the fucking pain was and you solved it when you take it you take an aspirin you're like how do I know where this aspirin's going if I take an aspirin how does it know that my fucking foot hurts well it's the same thing with pain

Listen, man, I had a lot of fucking pain going into comedy. Debt to my mother, father, fucking divorce, losing a child. You know, I had tons of pain and I made it work for me. Yes, I also spent the half a billion dollars on cocaine trying to numb me to fuck down. But it wasn't a miracle that I fucking got clean in 2007. It wasn't, it was a miracle. What it was, was I realized what the pain was, dealt with it, and moved on.

Long was the pain of my mother and father. That's bullshit. I mean, you still feel it from time to time, holidays, certain things. But was I walking around? My mommy died, unless you wear it like a fucking badge on your fucking sleeve, then people are going to know. The last big chunk of pain that fucking made me go through comedy, was my war with my ex.

And I don't know what happened. I mean, me not seeing her, you know, made my addiction fucking go on fire. I'm going back 2004, 2005. My addiction was so out of control that it's just, why even go into the stories? You've heard them all.

But they were out of fucking control. Me sitting here looking back at 13 years ago, somewhere along the line I must have wrote in a journal, that I was over my daughter or something like that and I got to tell you something, the pain disappeared. And once the pain disappears, you won't need fucking drugs no more.

At least I don't listen. I got a couple pains now. If you smoke weed, I don't even consider that a fucking drug. For you people who make a big deal about smoking weed, give yourself a fucking break, okay? Legalizing weed. I've been watching marijuana.

people smoking marijuana, and Tyler's close to five. And I gotta tell you something, even as an outsider looking in, I used to go to the movies of my godfather, and he would smoke a joint right in front of me. And he would giggle. And then afterward,

we would go to Tad Steakhouse and get a fucking steak or something, and Long Manhattan. So what crime had he committed? What else did he do on the weed? He did nothing. It just makes you fucking chill out. Speaking of weed,

I don't want you to think I'm fucking being a half of fruit kick. Let me tell you something. After Wednesday's podcast, I was spraying that spray, right? I had that spray in that desk. I brought that from California with me. I bought the regular spray, the 1,000 milligram spray, and I brought the sleep on. Because all the products in California, especially edibles, are making a sleep product. Even ABX. My man, Justin at ABX, they're making a capsule. There's 50 milligrams, 100 milligrams, but they also make a 10 milligram that's just,

for sleep that they put melatonin in there and camomile and every other fucking thing you know last week i put up a video for on it on it's got some great fucking uh whatever the fuck melatonin turkey juice in the fucking thing you just do just do six sprays of the on it fucking turkey juice whatever the fuck you're going down trust me last week i had one night where i did three things under my tongue of the cocoa tincture. Okay. I ate two of the cocomo two milligram T-8C pills. I got a cup of tea. I went into the living room. I don't know what I was watching. And 10 minutes later, I woke up with the tea spilled all over me. I had tea on my socks, tea on my sweats. I had tea fucking everywhere. That's how strong this cocomo shit is mixed with the melatonone. I need all the help I could get at

night. And like I said, I can't through the sleeping pills at night because I'll fucking die in my sleep and I don't need, I don't want to die right now. But last fucking Wednesday, I'm fucking around with you guys, you know, doing all these. Who the fuck do people think I? I get all these emails, Joey, you're in New Jersey, like they're haters. Joey, you're in Jersey. What are you going to smoke now? That's what I'm smoking now, cock suckers. A vapor. Nobody even knows nothing. I can put it in the car with me. Nobody knows nothing. You can blow this in the cop's face. They're like, what's the matter? I got asthma?

Fuck, no. This is what they gave Chris Chris Chris here's the fucking hospital, but he went in there, that fat fuck. Anyway, here's to you, cocksuckers. A.B.X. Edibles on a beautiful Monday morning. Fuck. You're like, Joey, why would you ruin your day? Fuck you. I'm getting my day started. Right,

Jack. Some people take vitamins. I open up with a fucking edible of life and death just to get the party started. So I do that fucking spray. I'm fucking around with you guys. What could have been 10 in the fucking morning? I don't know.

About 3 o'clock, I'm at the park of my daughter. My wife looks over me. She goes, what the fuck have you been smoking? I go, nothing. I haven't smoked since my little breakfast fucking joint. And she goes, you got to see the look on your face right now. You are fucking hired and fuck. and all of a sudden I sat there at the park

I'm making believe like I'm looking at trees and bluebirds and shit and I was just looking out into the fucking abyss I'm like I am fucked up so we had to come home and get changed and we went right to the park it was one of those days

listen when you're a parent you're just running all day especially in New Jersey you're fucking running all fucking day so I we came home I took like a piss wash my hands. Mercy put out a little kickboxing suit,

and we went over the kickboxing. When I went upstairs to wash my hands, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like fucking a body was floating. I mean, my eyes were popping out of my head like Marty Feldman did fucking an ounce of blow. Both of them were popping out of my fucking head. I had to put visina and I had to put cream under my eyes.

just so I was presentable enough to go to her kickboxing class I don't want those people talking bad about me especially when my daughter's there you know but when I came back I was like I was fucked up and I didn't make it the Vinnie's and it went fucking great man

so ha you motherfuckers thought I was gonna get all fucked up and not make it the Vinnie's like right now I'm just eating in that over because I know what my day is like I gotta go away with the girls I'm gonna probably end up walking fucking three miles my hamstring is going to hurt

I'm not going to give a fuck because I'm going to be too fucked up to even think about my hamstring and then I'll probably have my friend pick me up and we'll shoot up to the fucking wake together I'll see some friends I'll give some hugs I'll be in a covoidial situation

but we make up best when you're in a covalial situation you get home and you burn your clothes you understand me it's like you killed your girlfriend and buried her in the woods same thing you fucking burn your clothes sneak his socks You don't want none of that formaldehyde COVID mix on your fucking clothes.

You know what I'm saying, or in your lungs? That formaldehydes a motherfucker compared with the fucking COVID. All those people went to wakes. Half of them fucking died. You imagine dying because you went to see somebody dead? How dumb do you feel in the casket? I should have mind my business and stayed home and watched the 6 o'clock news. What the fuck?

But he was my brother. He was there for me from the ages. I mean, I knew Roger from probably McKinley, but we reconnected in high school. And it was, you know, I think of my life and I wonder how the fuck I didn't go the easy way out. Like, I just didn't go the easy way out. I had every opportunity to go the easy way out. And because anybody who's lost, the mother knows, the overwhelming pain, especially when you're a fucking child. You know, let's face it.

Yeah, I tell you guys, I was a man at 16. I was a retarded fucking child. I was just learning. I had to become a man overnight. And I don't know how I fucking did not jump off a bridge. But I'll tell you why. Because I had friends like Stinky. I had friends like Roger.

I had friends like Fernie. Had friends like fucking Mike Runny. I had friends. I had friends that kept me entertained. And this is why I tell you, even with this COVID right now and this isolation, It's not going to work for you. You got to be around some people.

I'm not talking. I don't want you to go down to a fucking protest and jump upside down and fucking, you know, state some stupid shit. The depunk to believe. Yeah, that's great. That's going to work. I want you to just go, you got a friend. You got a cousin. Start by going and talking to them one-on-one.

On a one-on-one basis, buy them a cup of coffee. How cheap are you? Buy him a cup of fucking coffee. Talk to them. Start this rap game. How do I know? Because I know how to get out of a hole. I've been in thousands of fucking holes.

You want to get out of a hole? You got to do it the right way. You got to write, you got to talk to people. I mean, six weeks ago, look at that fucking tape I made from corporate housing when I'm smoking outside. Look at the bags under my head. Look at my hand shaking.

All that was taking care of when I go to a psychiatrist all of a sudden where I got, I went to a voodoo doctor now. I went back to basics. Alpha brain, notebook, rapping with people. Not on the phone, not texting, showing up to the house with a fucking mask on.

Let's go in the backyard, get a little vitamin fucking D, and let's talk. I went from one to three to four to the Florentine little gathering, which I almost passed out from my fucking anxiety. Almost passed out from the fucking anxiety. And little by little, I've been able just to conquer little things.

And I did the movie set, which was fucking scary. You know, I got the same fear as you motherfuckers have. I don't want you to think that I walk around with a body armor shield on. I don't give a fuck. You've got to be cautious now. There's supposed to be a second wave coming. I don't want you guys to get caught in that second wave. So you avoid colonial situations, whatever the fuck, cabodial situations.

That's it and that's that. There's things that you have to do and just go well fucking prepared. I mean, I'm plugging my ears. I'm plugging my nose. I'm doing everything. I'm going in there minimum. I'm going to go in, walk straight to the casket, kneel down, say my prayers, put something in the fucking casket.

I don't know what yet. I got to figure out what he liked. Maybe chocolate bar. Who the fuck knows? Go shake the family's hand. I'm going right back outside and breathe. Anybody who wants to talk, we could do it the fuck outside. Let's get some pressure here.

sitting in this fucking den of COVID waiting for fucking Hunan Brett to hit me in the fucking neck. Because somebody's got to be there all fucked up on this shit. But that's it and that's that. That's part of my fucking journey to go over there tonight and pay my respects to a man who basically saved my fucking life. I can't tell you how many fucking dinners I had in his life. I can't tell you how many nights he made me fucking laugh

when the last thing I wanted to do. is fucking laugh. But that's the way it goes. You got to do what you got to do. It's time for a little nicotine gum. I'm going to show you this Lucy how it works. Very nice. Pomp it granted. He just fucking pop it. And nobody gets that fucking feelings hurt. Fucking delicious. Fucking delicious. No sugar. So you're fine. You won't get no fucking calories. The worst thing you can do, who the fuck knows? Nothing. So enjoy your Lucy Coe pomegranate gun. You're going to fucking be happy. I referred you. So in the middle of all this last Wednesday, B and I, I came to a conclusion of something.

I went. I went to Mersey's kickboxing class. We either alternate, you know, why both of us go there. I mean, there's only a couple chairs for parents. And, you know, if I'm going to go 4.30, maybe at least my wife could just stay home, get the house ready. show cook so sometimes this time we both went together we're like fuck let's both go down there you know i'm fucking high than fuck i'm trying to keep it together thank guy for vizine cold water to the face and other fucking procedures i used little neck ice to the neck i fucking went down there and they had a nice little kid class going they had about six kids you had to sit inside and watch them the windows were open but it gave me a chance to look at my daughter from the outside.

Fuck. She has gotten big. You know, like I'm looking out of going. And then when it kind of time to strike the punches and to kick, I was like, holy shit. She's fucking not bad at this. Now, do I want her to be a fighter? No, do I want to beat people up?

No, I just want to know how to protect herself. So she's not scared. I mean, last week, I had her running with fucking boys. I don't give a fuck. She'll probably be over there today. No, tomorrow. Tuesdays as we go over there and they fucking skate and they fucking jump up and down.

And they do, listen, those motherfucking kids do everything in one afternoon. They're like us. This is Jersey. This ain't California where the kids stay in on the computers watching their father's bad TV shows. This is, these kids are out. They play with football.

They play baseball. They're on scooters with helmets. Then they throw the scooters away. Then they get on fucking bicycles. Then they're fucking, then we order a pizza through. Then it starts to get dark and they bring out all these fucking trucks and shit. Jimmy Florentines got a hill. These motherfuckers get in there and they swing them.

Then they push themselves back up. They do this constantly. And I'm sitting there going, her mother will kill me if she knows I got her outside on the street doing this with cars. Fuck it. This is why I moved here. So she could fucking be a fucking, you know, a hammer. of God. I didn't want it to be one of those fucking sissy girls

from L.A. Oh my God. I got to tell you about my Instagram friends. Fuck you. You fucking moron. You. The nanny that raised you and the fucking woman who spits you out of a pussy that didn't really want to have you because she put a fucking Mexican nanny on you. What good is that shit?

I got nothing against Mexican people. They're great nannies. But why have a kid if you're going to have a nanny? Unless you're fucking Donald Trump or somebody fucking important. Why the fuck you have three or four fucking nannies. Get your life together. Raise your kid, you dumb motherfuckers.

That was the problem in L.A. All those kids were raised by nannies. Then they come around my kid and they're acting like fucking savages. And my kid will look at them and go, what the fuck is going on with these people? There's no connections. You know, there's no connection.

The kids got a conduit between them and their fucking parents. Who the fuck has a conduit between them and their parents? Don't get me started. Anyway, aren't the brighter fucking things? I'm looking at her. I have a little anxiety. That fucking spray didn't help. The reefer didn't help.

Whatever I'm going through didn't help. Me getting on stage on Uncle Vinnie's that night didn't help. I had all these things going through my mind. But the fucking thing that stuck out the most through my mind was watching Mercy. And thinking to myself the second chance that I've gotten in life, I don't really understand if you guys know the second chance. got thrown at me in this beautiful life. I lost a daughter.

I was in prison. I had no fucking prospects. I got on stage lost, just like the way you guys are at 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, you lost. You might want to do music. You think you want to be in the travel resort.

You have a friend whose uncle works at fuck in the stock exchange who said he'd get your job making six figures. You're all over the place. What you need to find is your passion, what you fucking love, and then run from there. Listen, when you find what you love, you'll do it for free. If you like sucking dick, if you like sucking dick, right? Like if you wake up in the morning and go, hmm, I wish there was a dick I can fucking yank on right now.

Fuck it. Sunk 10 dicks a day for 500 a pop. That's $5,000. You're making money. Even if you take a day off and go down to one dick, it's not fucking bad. You know what I'm saying? You can take care of that cavity. What I'm saying is you've got to find your passion. And your passion will make it do it for free.

Whatever your passion is, you don't give a fuck about it. Do you like digging? Go dig. And then eventually you go to a funeral parlor, a funeral grave place, and go, I like dig it. Well, we use big machinery. I don't give a fuck. I want to dig six feet holes every day. Go dig. I'll pay $8 an hour.

Go dig. And you dig and you made, you created something yourself. Do you know what I'm saying? Are you fucking with me? Or am I talking to myself? I think I'm talking to myself. I think that fucking edible is hitting in already. I don't know what the fuck's going on or wherever we fucking were.

But fine with your passion is. I'm looking at this little girl and I'm like, how fucking lucky am I that I got this second chance of life? And I attacked it like a soldier. I did everything by the fucking book. You know how proud I am? Do you have any fucking idea? I was never, ever, I've never been proud of myself at all. Longest yard, all that shit.

Fuck it, it's just another day at the fucking park. But to me, to have a household that there's love in the house, that I have a little girl that's happy, that's got a smile on her face, no more living in L.A., no more. She would come home and she picked up on it. How does a fucking seven-year-old girl pick up on it? She didn't call him,

Gentiles or fucking white people. She called them fancy people. I don't like those fancy people, Daddy. They act too fancy. So she read it. Listen, my best little friend is an African-American girl, and they go meet each other every fucking weekend. That's where they are now.

They went to a pumpkin patch today to pick apples and whatever the fuck. My daughter's cooler than fuck. I raised the like that. But again, my point was that I got a little. second chance and I fucking jumped all over it. And you know what? It proved one thing to me that there is a fucking God in this guy. There is something, Buddha, something. Everything happens for a reason, man. You know, my friend Mike, my brother Mike, his wife died. He can't figure it out. Nobody can figure it out. You know what happens? Years from now, you get the answer. Everything that happens has a

repercussion. It is going to affect you somewhere else later on and it's going to lessen that pain. You're going to get a lesson from it. Are you with me? Like for years I was angry at my mom. I went off kilter. My natural compass was off. My inside was off. My belief system had been down. I kept pushing, push and pushing. I found comedy. I found comedy. Got at least that You know what I'm saying? That put a little bit of a smile on my face. I didn't like being 25 and thinking I had to go into a job every day,

five days a week, eight to five, and when I'm 65, they give you a goddamn watch and they send you on your way. And you have the right to tell somebody, oh, I worked with you a lot for 35 years. Who gives a fuck? You went and did something for somebody else for 35 years. What did you do for yourself?

That was the main fucking question. Did you do anything for yourself? Did you draw up base? Did you take a vacation? Did you start your own little business? This COVID opportunity right now is going to give you guys a lot of there's no work. You know, half he has lost your job. Half he has got furloughed. Now what are you going to do? Take the little savings you got left. You know you put a little money away and get the simplest things and start your fucking life.

Whatever you want to do, whether it's pictures, photography, jumping off clips and taking pictures. now is the time listen to me we got shut down with a lot of places to do the podcast a lot of avenues no Macs

no whatever we're running here on basic fucking we're running here on a fucking iPhone why because my passion is to get the word out

to you people I don't give a fuck how we get it to you people if you want I can go get a fancy fucking studio and ha ha ha ha water with lemon

in it to impress you and you know all the thing. I'm not here to impress you. That ship sunk fucking 20 years ago. I'm not here for the fucking Johnny's. I'm here to share love with you on Mondays and Wednesdays. I'm here to talk to you. I'm here to make you laugh,

make you cry. Just have a fucking good time. That's what Uncle Joey does. Whether you're in or not, I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. This is what I'm trying to do here. Anyway, I don't know if any of you guys saw the comedy store documentary or you're watching it or you're into watching it i suggest you watch all five of them

learn they tell you some of the history i mean last week it was basically the beginning of the store and the freddy prince incident a lot of you people did not know i mean half of you don't even know freddy prince is you know freddy prince junior and even he fucking kind of disappeared he's still around I think he does a podcast with Josh, but it covered the end of Freddie Prince's career. Last night, I had a ton of shit going on, so I haven't, I taped it, but I haven't watched it,

but I'll tell you what, if you're not watching it, watch it. Because you're going to learn a couple things about that fucking place, that place. And yeah, you guys have been hearing it for fucking 30 years from either Rogan or my podcast or other podcasts, but now you get to see it. You get a little look into the comedy store. What happened there?

The events that happened there, the first wave of Hicks and Kettison and Dice and fucking Lenny Clark. Then the Pawnee years, and then it comes up to our years. Hopefully they used me if they did good. If they didn't, let me tell you something, I was there from 97. I got nothing to prove to nobody. you want to see me footage at the store or you didn't see the footage at the store

who gives a fuck come see me live that's where you'll see the fucking comedy store capish motherfuckers capish that's what I'm talking about here we're all fucking good because I had a great time at vinnis I really fucking did it was uh if you see I've gotten every time you see me it's not that I'm looking thinna, it's nothing I, I'm going to fucking whatever school. It's that the relief, the tension, and the stress has been pulled off me. You know, just getting on stage, just getting that monotony going, that rhythm going. That is exactly what I fucking needed.

You know, between doing the podcast for you guys last week and getting on stage, I want to thank you. I really want to thank you. You guys think, you guys are sitting over there thinking, fuck, no. You guys are helping me. You guys are my Dr. Melfy. You understand me? I come here once a week with no attitude.

And I talk to you straight from the fucking heart, straight from the gut, letting you know what the fuck is going on. Because what are you on from me? I got nothing to fucking tell you. I'm just trying to tell you the facts as they come in and whatever. I talk to Lee.

He's doing okay. He's starting a Patreon. He's getting this podcast where he's going to revisit all the church episodes, the drugs he did, little things that you don't know happened before the podcast. Maybe a camera blew up, maybe something happened. Just to explain each podcast,

he's going to go through an 800 fucking podcast. I want to wish him luck. He's going to do a Patreon where he's going to do Jumping Jacks on fucking Zoom. So that's going to be great. Listen, I know you like porn. Give it a breather. Lee doing Jumping Jacks on Zoom.

It's going to blow your fucking mind, okay? That's where the real fucking laughter comes. That dude is a fucking trip. So for you people who ask me all the time, have you spoken to Lee? Yes, I speak to Lee twice a day. I love him dearly. I'm encouraging him.

I'm scared for him that fucking drive with the blizzard behind them. But that's the way it fucking goes. But, man, I want to thank you guys, especially the Patreon people, you know, the messages, you know, just me interacting with you. Even on Facebook, you know, Facebook,

those three weeks that I didn't have a computer, I mean, I'm just buried in messages. So if you've sent me a message on Facebook and I haven't gotten back to you, it's because I didn't have Facebook for three fucking weeks. I don't have it on my iPad. The only thing I have on my iPad is Twitter and fucking Patreon. Just to keep a light because I was going on the road,

I don't want Facebook and all that. And then next thing, you know, I'm on the road and I'm on social media. I'd rather use the road just to write, come up with new ideas, fresh concepts, whatever. You know, outline my book. I was telling my friend before I started here that that's something that I've been outlining again. I've found what the cutoff point was. This story is just going to be from July 16, 1991 to present. See, we were trying to put too much stuff.

My childhood, all those stories you've heard over the years, and stand-up comedy, and stand-up comedy. Excuse me, let me put this gum to the side. And stand-up comedy, whatever the fuck we're talking about, all into one. But now this changes. This fucking changes the fucking game. So my stand-up, you know, I'm going to put,

on the computer, I got little different pages. I got stand-up comedy today. I got all this stuff. And what I did was I took the book, and it starts off with me getting on stage. The difficulties I had was getting on stage, and then we work forward. The divorce, the pain, what fueled me, you know,

what really had me. A lot of people don't know is that I had this personal war going out of my stepfather from the time my mother got fucking put in a hole to 1985. I had this personal war that had this money coming to me. And between you and I guys, I did have the money coming to me, okay? Not the amount I thought I had, but I did have some money coming to me. Let's say $150,000.

I mean, my mother had some property in Florida that she had sold. She had the house. She had the bar. There was a little money there. I got dick from it. And I was angry. And I was frustrated. and I was confused and I was hurt, you know.

So I staged this personal war with my stepfather. I went to Colorado and learned how to be a hit man and how to shoot people silently and all this shit. I was a fucking mess. I was just a young mess. So for you guys on Patreon to the following and you send me messages telling me that you're going through this and that in 1983,

I was training to be a fucking hit man. You know what 1983 puts me at 20 years old? You want to talk about fucking confusion? I wanted to be a fucking hit man. How broken are you at 20 that you want to fucking kill people for a living on contract? And I was training for it. I was learning how to use every weapon.

I had a friend that just fucking, you know, was a fucking Vietnam vet that his specialty was killing. and this is what I wanted to do. So my plan was to go back to New York in 84 and fucking shoot him. But you know what? I didn't have the ballast. I knew I knew that he was a lot slicker than I was.

You know, I'm 57 years old. I see the move before it even unfolds. If I make a turn onto my block, like when I lived in L.A., what do you think I left L.A. for? Because I didn't want to be there no more? No. because I saw the move coming. It doesn't take a fucking genius.

And now I get calls from LA every two days, from people telling me that there was a carjacking. Yesterday I got a call. You remember I told you, motherfuckers, when you pulled out of the podcast street and went on to Chandler. There was a bridge over Chandler, and there was homeless people there,

and every night they would start a little fucking fire. Like it was the Cups. I've been just sitting around, like, ah, you know, roasting fucking their fingers because they got no marshmallows. What the fuck are you roasting? You put like your finger in there with sugar and sucking on it. You're homeless. You might as well go for broke.

Who knows what the fuck these people were doing? But then I told Lee one night, go, Lee, when you go home tonight, check out the fucking underpass. See how many people live under the underpass and make sure they got a fire? That motherfucker called me that night. He was Joey, they got a fire going again. Well, guess what happened? They did fires, fires, fires.

Now, it's fucking 80 degrees that night. It's 90 fucking degrees. You're in California. Why the fuck do you have a fire? So, I guess that all these homeless villages developed under these bridges. And I guess about two weeks ago, somebody let them all on fire

with the homeless people in there. Homeless people are fucking scatter me. That is the mind of Los Angeles right now. This is what I'm telling you, fucking people. I didn't leave there because I left there because it was turning into a different direction. Hey, a lot of you guys are living in New York or just moved on in New York.

Go to New York at nights. Look what happens. Look what Bill Burr said in this fucking thing the other day. Rick Baranis got punched. the head on the upper west side it couldn't be no better than that but that is what's going on that's what's going on in all the major fucking cities is just tough top top creepy fucking shit so i'm telling you listen i don't give a fuck get everything ready get the bbby gun ready the gun ready the bow and arrow the bazooka start working the spitball machine again when was the last

time you shot a spitball. I shot a spitball last week just to practice just to get them and fucking, you know, people's eyeballs. Because remember when you were kid, you were great with the spitball, six feet away. You could shoot a motherfucker like nothing. I don't care what you got to do. You got to protect yourself and protect your family. When I talk to these people in L.A., they're waiting for a delusion that's never coming. There's people that are actually waiting in L.A. They're saying, let's let everybody else go so we get all the acting and stand-up comedy, First of all, they just denounced it probably not going to be any fucking stand-up in L.A. until about fucking next June.

I was doubting for you. And New York, they just said something about fucking no theater until fucking September. So for me, a guy like me, what does a comic do? What is a comic do? Now a comic has to rearrange his fucking life. Okay, he has to start doing outside shows, you know, for our, ever long they fucking take it, put them up yourself. You got to put your own, I don't know,

they have different systems like Tom Seguro's doing to do live shows, get four of your friends, get the camera work and fucking do a live show and charge 10 bucks admission. But one thing about this pandemic, at first, I looked at it as a breather, but now I'm looking at it as you've got to live your life. I know people that haven't left their fucking,

bedroom since this happened. I know people who haven't left their fucking house since this happened. And I got to tell you something, I'm a fucking scary cat pussy. I left the house against my best wishes because I knew I didn't want to fall into that fucking trap. I mean, it's very easy to wake up going front of the news, have them fucking piss on your leg and crawl right back into bed. Trust me, there were days I wanted to do this. with this fucking pandemic. But I tell you what would have happened if I would have gone back to bed.

That's the beginning of depression. That's how you get your depression started. By getting up, eating something, saying, I failed today, and then going back to bed. That's the roots of depression. That's the roots. Well, I don't know how bipolar, bipolar, whatever, but that's the roots, because now they have bipolar depression.

Jesus fucking Christ, what's next? Stuttering bipolar depression. So while you're saying, sitting there fucking stuttering, you got to depress, you got to tell people, you know, it never ends with the diseases. I'm talking about just regular depression where you see yourself going nowhere, you know, you don't have the energy, you don't even understand why you want to do what you're doing. That's the worst kind of depression. So from the beginning of this fucking pandemic, I made sure to get up, take a shower.

As if you're going to work. As if you're going to work. You should be taking a shower anyway, you filthy motherfucker. What are you going to do? Walk around with stinky, but you don't take a shower and then go to pee at six o'clock, and you feel the side of your thigh, and you feel that fucking nut butter on your leg.

You wouldn't have that nut butter on your leg if you wash your balls for breakfast. Because when you wash your balls for breakfast, it stimulates the ball salad, you fucking cover it up with some fucking soap and it keeps under control when you don't take a shower and go out at six and you come back at six o'clock pee and rub that fucking nut butter from your leg and see what it smells like it don't smell right that's not fucking normal that's why you take a shower before you leave the house especially

women I don't want to see that prinkle cut when I'm standing behind you at the bagel store that you just got up with that rotten fucking pussy and went out you got to wash that fucking monkey. The same thing you gotta wash that fucking helmet. You gotta bathe every day. Twice a day. I don't give a fuck about water shortage. Oh well, if we bathe twice a day, there won't be any water in 2016. Fuck them. Fuck them. Let them worry. Take a bath with ice cubes. I don't give a fuck. Climate change, climate control. Get up, take a shower. As if you're gonna go to work. Okay? As if you're gonna go to work. You're gonna write in a journal. As if you're going to go to work, you're going to drink some fucking coffee. As if you're going to go to

work, you're going to open up the front door. Look outside and say to yourself, it's fucking Monday. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. I don't care if you're mined is $16 in your checking account. I don't give a fuck if you haven't paid rent in six months. They can't put you in debt as prison. It's still a beautiful fucking day to be alive. You look outside and then you figure out what the fuck you want to do. If you got a day job, you do your day job from the computer. But this is the time to start working on that website you weren't thinking about for a year. This is the time to start work.

Because you ain't got dick. When you ain't got dick, you ain't got nothing to lose. You think I started stand up with a testeroza and a fucking, and like a butt left? No. When you start something, you started at bare bones, just like this fucking podcast. I could have waited three weeks and came at you with lights. cameras and a bar and booze, whatever. Fuck that. You don't need that.

What we need right now is communication. What we need right now is to help each other. What we need right now is to look at each other. Not a text to check in. This is a fucking personal check-in from your uncle Joey letting you know. I'm still slinging dick and giving out bubblegum. And it's because of you guys. So I intend you to be doing the same for me.

You like the new setup? Ah? Look at that. I got Bruce Lee. I got Sinda Squid Moncrief over here fucking tremendous I'm gonna have Julius Irving there but it's not finished yet

but I'm gonna have all my idols I got Palisades Amusement Park where I grew up I got my man Charles Bronson look at him like a bad motherfucker that he is and I got me and Rogan and fucking Vegas doing our thing and look at this new picture

this new picture is the snow chasing Lee as he's driving across country and going oh my God I can't believe Well, no. This picture's ACDC, June 30th, 1979. You ready for this? Four days, maybe five days before I saw him, August 4th, 1979, with Ted at Madison Square Garden. Asked me, Joey, do I give a fuck? I'm just telling you, you know what I'm saying? Because I'm a nice fucking guy. That's it. What else do you want from me, man? It's going to be a fucking great week. The Patreon moves up today. three, five, ten, and fifteen beans. We got nice hooded sweatshirt for you for the $15. We got nice long-sleeve tis for you. And we're going to keep doing what we're doing,

giving you nothing but content. Like I told you, it's going to be a cold fucking winter. And you know what? I'm going to need you as much as you're going to need me. So we're going to work fucking together. I'm going to create this fucking basement into a content fucking, fucking studio of love. You understand me?

I hope you enjoyed the album of the week on Patreon. I'm trying my best. This week we'll cover another iconic album, one of my all-time favorites. I put it on the other day and I got to tell you something. I had like a fucking tear in my eye. Because it is true. Music

is a part of your childhood. It just taps into a special time. And it's not all the time. It's not all the time. It's sometimes You just catch that fucking magic. You put on an album and you're like, fuck. I still remember being on the corner with one-eyed Louis and, you know, this guy and it was cold.

And we stepped on dog shit. This is great, guys. This is great that, you know what? We're doing this with a fucking iPhone, an Amazon microphone, an Amazon microphone, an Amazon. We should just call this the Amazon podcast because this is brought to you with low fucking, it's not even low quality. I mean, the iTunes, the iPhone camera is fucking tremendous. You're hearing me. I'm looking good.

And everything's great, guys. I just want to check them with you and let you know that you're doing fine. You're not fucking dead. Listen, we lost Eddie Van Allen last week, Roger Holloway, and my man Whitey Ford. This has been going around. It has nothing to do with you. Do not let it affect. who the fuck you are and what your goals are.

You understand me? It's not letting me affect of my goals are. I'm a little scared. The numbers might come back. They might not. What do I look like? Dr. Fouchy to you?

I don't give a fuck. All you can do is take care of you. Wear your mask. Wash your hands. Wash your hands before you touch your dick. You don't want somebody sucking your dick and getting COVID because they suck your dick. And they got to trace it back to your dick.

And you imagine that? People knocking on your door. Hey, Charlie, you got COVID on your dick. You need that problem in your life. Wash your hands before you let the poor girl lick your fucking nutsack. And ladies, you too, don't finger-bang yourself with your filthy fucking fingers after fucking Nancy Wu gave you a manicure. And then you want me to go down there and lick your fucking monkey.

And next thing you know, I got Nancy Wu's fingers in my mouth. And I'm coughing and I'm spreading fucking shit. Relax. You got to wash your hands before you touch your pocket. private parts. Same thing for your asshole. You ever fucking go to wipe your ass and toilet paper slips and you get that thing in your asshole and then now what? Now you want to walk around and give people directions by pointing. Knock it the fuck off. Wash your fucking hands, you filthy cocksuckers. As of right now, all I got is Uncle Vinny's for the

whole month of fucking October. Again, I got this Wednesday, next Wednesday. and Wednesday to 28th. Then we have an election month. Hopefully this movie comes through. This is not going to affect our podcast. This is not going to affect anything. In the middle of all this pandemic and stuff, I know you're having self-doubts.

Fuck those self-doubts, motherfuckers. Fuck those self-doubts. You've got to grab your balls and tell yourself you're going to push yourself through this. You've got to keep yourself in control, especially if you have the family, because shit runs downhill. If you walk around looking like Johnny Morth,

your family's going to feel like Johnny Morth. You got to walk around like he just hit the fucking lottery. Like the guy knocked on your door with that big fucking check so your family doesn't feel what you're going through. It's in the air, but it doesn't have to affect you and your family. You could treat this fucking differently. I know I have, but I'm not going to lie to you. When I first got here, I was walking around scared shitless.

Fear is not in your family. fucking vocabulary. When you see the shirts that come out for this stuff, which I posted on Patreon, you'll see all the shit you have to conquer in the circle that was the mind of Joey Diaz, whether it was the drugs, the kidnappings, and there was only one kidnapping singular. I'm sorry I put that thing up the other day, but it's always nice to fucking kidnap a fucking drug dealer who would kidnap a governor. What the fuck? What would you do with that governor? What would you do it? What are you going to hold the fucking ransom?

Who's going to give you any fucking money? Who's going to give you dick for a fucking governor? Who wants a governor in their fucking basement? You know what's going to come at you? FBI, zingers, they're going to fucking destroy you. So for you to think that you're going to... That's a bad idea. Listen, it was a bad idea when I kidnapped Bella.

It's a bad idea to kidnap anybody. Just shoot them in the leg, take what they got and go home. What are you going to take from the first? fucking governor nothing i mean she's cute what are you gonna do you gotta fuck are you filthy fuck give yourself a break who the fuck kidnaps a fucking governor this what i'm talking about here we're going to shit people but we got uncle joey's joint to keep us hocus pocused it's at the end of his rope i got you got a little recharge i don't even know what this is popping up here whatever the fuck this is what is this shit here maybe it's for your ears maybe you put some in your

fucking ears. What the fuck knows? Hey, this shit goes fast. You know what I'm saying? You know with me nothing fucking last. I just wanted you to come at you out of fucking Monday morning. Talk to you about what's going on in my life and just remember one thing. I got a second chance. I got a second chance of being a father. I got a second chance of being a husband. I got a second chance of being a human being. I got a second chance of fucking just doing everything you know from prison the whole thing if I could do it can you imagine what the fuck you could do I got a fucking GED can you imagine what you could do with a family and support and the love that you have around you stop looking outside for shit what you're

looking for is right within it's within your family it's within yourself you just got to stop fucking around and smoking dope and telling me Uncle Joey I got Pineapple Express. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Tell me that you fucking got a hundred on your fucking paper. That makes my dick get happier. That's what makes Uncle Joey happy. That you young motherfuckers are pushing it through here.

Enough with the bullshit. There's nothing going on. Club MTV is gone. You can't jump up and down right now. There's nowhere to go. You're living off virtual classes. Now is your time to put your hustle together. If you want a graphic design,

if you want to draw. This is the time because you know what? You ain't got nothing to lose. And when you ain't got nothing to lose, that's when you're at your finest fucking moment. Like me, what are you going to take from me? Hey, come on here and say whatever the fuck I want. What are you going to do?

Throw me into jail? Not anymore, guys. It's my fucking world, which means it's your fucking world. I'm with you, you're with me, and these punk-ass business want to be with us. I'll see you guys. Wednesday morning,

tip top fucking Magoo, ready to fucking go. You understand me? I love you guys. Have a great fucking day. Have a great week. Remember, today, the Patreon teas go up to $3.

If you're a dollar guy, you get grandfathered, and I'm not mad at you. You still get the bunch of stuff. If you want the deer abbey, it goes up to five. I get a thousand emails a day, guys. We got to trim those down.

And I also, I'm adding, The music show, and I'm also adding a live fucking little get-together for you. You just don't know when it's going to happen. It's going to just pop up because that's how I fly. I don't know when the girls are going to leave, so I don't know when I can smoke a joint with you guys. So they'll be around also on Patreon. But beside that, for you podcast, motherfuckers, I love you.

We're working on Uncle Joey's joints, T-shirts. We're working on a lot of things, but it's one thing at a time, all right? this week we added some light we added a little curtain we're gonna put this one together right before your fucking eyes every week we're gonna get stronger and stronger and we're not gonna utilize the bar except for sports companion shows how's that one for you we'll have a good time we'll do a little drinking we'll sell some tickets and that's how we'll do the fucking bar that's how we'll do the bar besides that you got me uncle joey's join is here number fucking three We're doing what we're doing to the best of our abilities.

Just to show you, you don't need to fucking... All this shit to fucking get your word out. If you want to get your word out, it's right in front of you. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you for listening to Uncle Joey's joint. And don't forget to support our sponsors, whether it's fucking CBD Lion, whether it's Draft Kings,

or whether it's Lucy Co. Do not forget to support them. Thank you very much. Have a great week. I'll see you, Motherfuckers, Wednesday. All right, I want to thank you for listening to Uncle Joey's joint today. It's a beautiful fucking Monday.

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