The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #004 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: October 14, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com & Blue Chew! Go to www.stamps.com and use CODE: CHURCH Go to www.bluechew.com and use CODE: JOEY The Mind of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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What's happening? Joey's joy. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. Wednesday the 14th to March. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. It's been an interesting week. Let's start with what's been crackerlacking.

For starters, I want to apologize to you guys. I did not go to my friends awake It wasn't that I did out of You know I didn't want to be there or whatever Monday was a holiday And the kids were all from school My wife had already made plans My wife had a full fucking day

We were supposed to go down the shore With another family and a kid The rain to ruin that But anyway you put it You had a 6 o'clock meeting with some moms And the neighborhood To plan some shit I'm happy they involved her

I was dressing ready to go. You know, it's a 55-minute drive up there, but she didn't get home to like 10 to 7. I would have never made it in the rain and whatnot. You know, my heart goes out to the Holloway family. You guys know how much I love them. And the other thing is the truth. You know what, man?

I fucking hate wakes. It's just, I forgot the bad part about living in New Jersey that there's a lot of fucking wakes and you got to go to a lot of wakes. And let me tell you something. Nothing bothers me more than fucking wakes because it takes me back to the original four that I went to. A, my father when I was three, B, Anthony Bauxano in the eighth grade, B, my mother in 79, D, fucking Dominic Specialial in fucking 80. So I had Anthony Bousanel, I had two kids I was best friends with, and my mom vanished within fucking three years.

You know what? My wake day is done. Every time I go to a wake, I drag that fucking cat back in. That luggage gets in, and for two days, my head is all fucked up. And I don't need that. I need to be tip-top magoo for you, motherfuckers. I don't need to be dragged because it reflects in my writing. It reflects on who I am. So my heart goes out to the Roger Holloway family.

I mean, the Holloway's gone. Timmy's still around. You know, I always talk about Timmy, and I talked to him. I checked up on him yesterday. He felt so awkward. even go. You know, Timmy's gone through a lot and I'm here for him and he's here for me. So that's what this is all about. You know, going to a wake and making believe is bullshit. I set a prayer here. I lit a candle here and my day was fucking complete. And that's how I made

my fucking piece with it, you know. So I'm always straight up with you guys. I want to let you know what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, what I'm doing. Just so you know, listen, we're all human here. Just because I go on stage, just because you see me on the TV, doesn't mean I have the same things that you guys are going through. I go through all that shit. I'd read those Patreon emails. People are having

a hard time. And I get it. Some guy wrote me an email about he wanted to come see me last Wednesday in Point Pleasant, but the fear struck again. I get it. I almost fucking made a you turn 18 times. So we're all coping what's on our table

right now. I'm just here to make a little easier for you. If I could take your mind off for an hour, we got a fucking hour. Since it's Uncle Joey's joint today, we're going to smoke a fucking dude. Why not? I got the weed that fucking Trump smoked when he got rid of COVID. So what the fuck are we doing here? What are we going to do? Sit down and just talk to each other. Listen, if you got offended by Bill Burr's monologue, go fuck yourself. It's for the point better yet? I've never fucking enable somebody, go hang yourself, because it ain't going to work out for you,

you're right? Bill Burr is a fucking brilliant, fucking comic. Bill Burr is one of the most brilliant comics working today, okay? He's married to an African-American woman, he's cool as fuck, and he went up there and gave it to... I read some guy that, after his first

three minutes, I had to turn it off and shut off. Well, listen, do yourself a favor right now. Get a shot of COVID and stick it up your ass and go for broke, because you ain't going to make it. It's going to get tough, you know what I'm saying? You're just not going to make it. Bill Burr is fucking amazing and what he did was fucking brilliant. And you know why people got pissed off? Because he wasn't fucking lying. See, nobody ever wants to hear the fucking truth.

Nobody ever wants to hear the truth. God forbid you tell somebody their fucking truth. They want you to blow smoke up their ass. We're in a society that you can't. Who gives a fuck what they said? Who gives the fuck what they said? You got kids? You got bills to pay? And what do you give a fuck? I haven't watched Saturday Night Live just for Bill. Let's get something straight in my world. They should be honored that for fucking the first time in years, they had a real comic on the fucking stage.

Don't get me wrong. They had Chris Rock on the stage, but he was a staff member at some time. I'm talking a hardcore fucking road comic that's a fucking savage. It's Bill Burr. Just him being in those sketches with those fucking, you know, I-O people,

whatever the fuck they are, Improv Olympic and whatever. They're both for sale. There's a reason. That business is going out of business. There's no business. It's a bunch of people sitting around watching their guys doing sketches. Fuck you, bitch. I go on stage by myself with a microphone, my balls, my heart,

and what I got to say. You can't beat that. When you're fucking on a set, you got some guy writing lines for you. For all you comedic actors that they call stand-ups, nothing bothers me more when they call a guy like Will Arnette. Sweetheart of a guy. A comedian. It pisses me to fuck off. He's not a comedian. He's a scripted comedic actor. We are stand-ups. We are in the fucking bows with walls behind us with four people in front of us vying for whatever, 15 bucks or whatever the fuck you are.

It's a different animal. So remember, sound out of life and stand-up, two different fucking situations. That's a bunch of people that get together in Chicago and they go to Second City and they train for four or five years. on how to do sketches or whatever. That's great. But I came from a different fucking school. I came from the school. I'm up there by myself. I'm taking all the heat myself.

And I congratulate Bill Burr for doing what the fuck he's doing. Who gives a fuck? They're trying to cancel him on Twitter. He even fucking curse. He didn't even curse. And you can see the audience is even a little mensomort like,

we don't know if we should laugh. Get your life together. This is the one big change I've found between LA and me being here right now. People got a sense of humor again. You could say stupid little things and people giggle. In LA, people look at you. Listen, I never fed it. I never, I never fed it, fed. I was never a part of their circle that. No matter what I did, and I didn't want to be a part of that circle. That was the problem. I used to get invited to those Hollywood parties all the time. I didn't fit.

This is where I fit. I fit in perfectly right here. All the people around me, Staten Island, Brooklyn, New York, New Jersey, they understand my sense of humor. I understand there's. I went to a second grade party Friday night with the second grade teacher.

She had all the students there. It was outside. They were playing the night before, fucking whatever. And I started talking to some of the parents and I was blown the fuck away. They were all a breadth of fresh air. Why?

Because it wasn't about Instagram friends and it wasn't about, oh my God, that's, you know, I'm over all that shit. If you're over 20 fucking one, get your shit together. If you get insulted about words or whatever, it's time. It's time to say, you know what, I got to throw my hands up. This is bullshit. You're going to cancel Bill Burrow or whatever. You can't do it. You're in no fucking danger.

It's never going to fly. So you little cancel people Go back under your fucking huts And go watch fucking walking dead Or whatever the fuck it is That you fucking half of fags watch You got me all fucking fired up already On a fucking Wednesday morning cuck suckers

Huh? Why are you gonna fire me To fuck up on a Wednesday morning With your little you get insulted over words Your mother told you sticks and stones Will break my bones Words will never hurt me If you're under fucking dirty And you never heard that

Go smack your mother in the face Because that's the first thing mom tells you when you come home crying like a little bitch they say it look like a monkey you do look like a fucking monkey now suck it in go out there and play i used to have big fucking ears when i was a kid i looked like something from a different fucking planet i still do i don't give a fuck call me whatever the fuck you want sticks and stones will break my bones words can never hurt you if a guy is not even talking about you what the fuck are you so worried about oh you There was men yesterday, writing shit.

Give me a fucking breather, man. If that's your way of getting pussy or standing by women, it's your actions that count, okay? So I don't want to hear nothing about nothing. Let's spark this number. It's Wednesday. Where the fuck are you going?

What are you doing with your life that's so fucking special? You're going to sit behind the computer with your white shirt on the pajama bottom, scratching your fucking balls. You didn't wash. You just put water on your hair so you could zoom all fucking day. Knock it the fuck off.

Tell whoever you're zooming with to go fuck themselves. You ain't got time for this shit. You're all zoomed up. You know what I'm saying? How many people are going to die from Zoom addiction pretty soon? Pretty soon there's going to be fucking ZA. Any day now. Any day.

Wait till these flags get a road going. ZA. Zoom Anonymous. My name is Joe. And I've been addicted to Zoom for fucking eight years now. Get the fuck. Give me a breather, man. Fuck you in Zoom.

Here's to you, motherfuckers. Hope you're having a great day. Hope you're smiling. Hope you have love in your heart. Because that's all that matters right now. During this COVID, you broke. Who gives the fire? Everybody's waiting for an unemployment check.

Good luck. Whatever. The least you can do is fucking just smile for one minute. And give you a soul a breather. You're going to live. If Chris Christy live, you're going to live. If that fat fuck lived with asthma and sleep apnea and fungi toenail just like me, you're in no danger. You're sitting at home 84 pounds. You don't want to leave the house because COVID's outside.

Listen, give a breathing. Now, if you live in L.A. and you live in New York, you can't go out at night because somebody will hear you in the head with a brick, okay? Rick Moranis and won't be doing any movies soon. That motherfucker got sucker punched up in the Upper West Side. If you're living on the two coast, once it turns dark, mind your business. You know what I'm saying? You don't know nothing. You don't want to know nothing. You don't even want to get food delivered because you don't know if the guys are delivering. and food is gonna fucking rob you. That's how serious it is in New York. But here's to you, motherfuckers. On a beautiful fucking Wednesday morning.

Mmm. Oh, this is the shit. This is the Chris Christie smoke. Before they let them out, they gave them this and a cheeseburger. And they said, it's time to go home, Chris Christie. They hear him like three white castle burgers.

That motherfucker was happier than fuck. Tremendous. Fucking tremendous. I don't know why is that. We can do this in America. I'm 57 years old. Listen to me. All you motherfuckers are the anti-American, whatever. I am 57 years old.

Like I told my daughter the other day, what other country can a 57-year-old go up on stage with no material talk shit and get paid? America. What the fuck are you doing? What are you complaining about, bitches? Who gives the fuck who's president? You got to run your own game.

Your game is life. That's all that fucking matters. Somebody being there, you motherfuckers are arguing about politics 10 hours a day. You're fucking just talking for talking. Talk about the most important things in your life. Your kids, your wives, what you do for your life. That's it.

Everything else I don't want to hear about the GOP or they're holding back. Who gives a fuck? Get a gun. What do you bother me for? I'm waiting for my unemployment check. I hope to buy a gun because you got to earn, Cucksucker.

You're making a $9 a lot of car payments. You know what I'm saying? Look at this smoking here. This is the way I like it. Now we're talking about Uncle Joey's joint on a fucking Wednesday. If you haven't seen the Comedy Store documentary, I made it to episode second, and I just made a comment like I was lucky to be on there.

And my boy, the director, Mike Binder, call me, is like, are you fucking crazy? You're all over. I just was making a joke. Listen, in today's world, you never know where you're going to end up. You know what I'm saying? You cut a movie, you're not guaranteed to be in it, especially with all the chitter-chat that's going around.

People are scared now. So I'm very happy that Mike Binder put me in that documentary because he knows that I was at that comedy store for 23 years of my life, the same way he was. We all have our fucking, we all have our personal Vietnam stories

from the comedy store, whether they're good or bad. But hey, I'm here in this house because of the comedy store. The comedy store was that influential in my life. The comedy store documentary that last week's was Freddie Prince, was so good that I came downstairs, I cried,

and I fell in love with comedy again. And that's what I wanted to do during this COVID. I didn't care about the business side of it. That had nothing to do with it. All I wanted was to re-fall in love with comedy again. I don't know if you're a musician, I don't know if you're an artist, you're a painter, you draw, whatever, you're a circus act.

You know, once you get involved in the game, you forget what the game, about it becomes money and Netflix and this guy wants to do a special with you and this guy's doing this and sometimes on all that catch up you forget about the love that you had for that art you know taking things for granted you know you got your wife you got your girlfriend she does this you do that did and all of a sudden boom one day she's dead and you realize you took it for granted i took comedy for granted for a long time not because i'm an asshole just because there was so many other things going on.

I'm happy things slowed down. And I got to fall in love with comedy again. You know what part I am with comedy right now? We're holding hands walking down the street. We haven't even fucked. I haven't even seen her tits yet. I haven't even gone to try to go to the first base. We're just walking and talking about what interests we have.

I'm falling in love with comedy again. I'm telling you this from the bottom of my heart. For a while there, I was a little disqual of, enchanted, it was a stand-up. It was the business side and the bullshit and you gotta fucking sell tickets. I wanted all that to disappear. I wanted just to fall in love with comedy again. I ordered the fucking book again. I fucking went back to square one. I mean, I'm digging it. I watched the Rodney specials. I watched Bill Berg, Indiana. I actually watched Saturday Night Live, which I fucking won't even put on. You know, I put on the first.

week for Punkie Johnson the girl she's from the comedy store I give her all my fucking heart and soul and congratulate her but becoming a member of Saturday our lives so I watched it because of her but after a while I just saw her first sketch and then I fucking fell asleep or something and I watched it this week because of Bill Burr you know I've been watching a lot of stand-up lately a lot of Hicks a lot of Kennis and a lot of dice a lot of Richard Pryor The other actually came in here and put a Richard Pryor album down. Fucking lowered, turned off the lights,

and just sat here high as fuck and listened to his, was it something I said? I'm just re-equaining myself with comedy again. I'm just falling, I'm doing those four shows in October, and then I'm pulling back. It's like she had to go on a trip. You ever start dating a woman? It all said right in the middle where you start,

when you're ready, ready to fuck her. All soon, she's got to go on a trip for work for four weeks. that's what's happened to me. So now that's going to drive me even crazier. I'm going to write, write while I'm doing the movie. I'm going to write. I got some good ideas cooking. And then we'll see what December looks like.

If December looks good, we'll go fucking, we'll put a couple jersey dates together. My man Sam Tripley's got the comedy dojo. You know how much I love Sam and how much he was there for me. I might as well go with Sam at the comedy dojo. I'll keep doing Uncle Vinny's joint My boy Danny just contacted me He's got a couple weekly rooms All over the fucking state

You know, he's not gonna put my name on the flyer I'm just gonna pop up and do 10 or 15 And I'm very happy with that But I'm getting a chance to fall in love with comedy again And that is fucking great man And that's good for you motherfuckers And you know what else is good for you motherfuckers But I don't give a fuck

That's a triple threat now What are you gonna do? Take away the joint. You'd have to fucking bring 10 Puerto Ricans to take this motherfucker away from me. And guess what? They don't want it. Because this shit is packing fucking heat today. What do you think I'm doing? What do you think I'm showing up with some fucking Susquehanna, Jersey, we grown in Morris Plains. Oh, fuck yourself. You know me, motherfucker. This was cut before the fire a long time ago. I haven't spoken about it, but I do miss some of my friends in California. I told my wife, the other day that I felt bad that it didn't work out. It didn't work out. You know, what are you

saying by working on? Mercy graduate in high school, me being in fucking 67 or whatever the fuck I'm gonna be and us moving to some retirement community. And that's it. That's why I, and me living in LA being at the store, you know, I felt like in a way I failed, but we didn't, but I miss it. of the people I miss. I miss Brent from subconscious jujitsu. That was my brother all the way to the end. I miss Roy from Corona Muay Thai. I miss my neighbors. I miss fucking back to wellness. That's where I went for acupuncture. That's why I went for my chiropractor. I miss bully busters with Kita. You know, I miss so many people. Eddie Bravo I spoke to yesterday. I missed that crazy conspiracy

I missed Sam Tripp, leave it all my heart. But I'm going to tell you who I missed, and I didn't know I missed them until yesterday morning. And I even talked about him with Jimmy Florentine when we went down to the record store. I want to thank vintage vinyl and Woodbridge for hooking me up with the fucking goods yesterday. And trust me, they still got other 50 albums I got to buy.

just went light yesterday because I had my daughter with me. So I couldn't act like a fucking asshole, like geek out in front of my daughter. But my daughter found something. She found both longest yards together. The one with Adam Sandler and the one with fucking Bert Reynolds. So I gave a copy of it to Luke, Jimmy's boy, because he loves the fucking movie. So I said, you got to watch the original two, which he probably won't like. Because the 70s of movies were a little slow.

They got their message through to here, but movies were just a little slow. I was telling you know Jimmy Florentine on the ride down that I was just scared of being you know not scared I was I was sick and tired of being alone yeah I had Lee and I had my man Steve Simone

and Dean Delray who I missed with all my fucking heart I missed the comedy store with all my heart I'm gonna tell you was a good guy and if you got a chance I knew you're gonna watch anyway the cabin with Bert Kreisher Burt Crashin put me in the first episode

Between you and me again In my fucking delusional Marijuanaed mind I thought they were going to cut me out Netflix, whatever I was expecting to get the cutting fuck out of there But oh my God Somebody sent me the link this morning

They sent me a link a few days ago To watch it earlier And I watched it and I was very surprised And I think it's a great fucking show And Bert was very, very good to me look at a man, I appreciate you guys that went out to Akron, Ohio last week. This is Jimmy Florin. And he told me, like I told you, motherfuckers.

From now on, Jimmy comes into your neighborhood, you do me the personal favor. You just pay for a ticket or wait after the show and go buy a shirt or see D.G. Go support. Yesterday, I went to buy albums with him. And on the way back, we stopped by his house. And this is interesting. We were talking. One thing led to the other, and he showed me an album.

He goes, you see this guy? He goes, I already bought this album on fucking iTunes and Amazon, but I don't have the album. I bought it because the guy is such a great fucking guy, and I want to support the band right now because they can't do it. That's Jimmy's way of thinking. You know, I bought a couple of albums or something like that, but I didn't buy music coming from that perspective from new bands.

I just got turned down to a couple new bands this morning, and I'll be buying their albums, support them. And I know you can't support everybody. I know that you guys are fucking working hard for your dollar. But I want to thank you for supporting Jimmy Florentine. The other guy, Bert Kreischer, you motherfuckers are already a pain to go see him. But I want you to know how good of a guy he is. You know, Bert, every Christmas had me over.

He had my family over every Easter, you know, all limits, you know. Illa, in fact, Illa used to go over. Fucking mercy goes in my room. room that starts playing my toys. You know, Mercy, just kids don't listen. My daughter, if I buy her a toy, it's good for two fucking days. And then she forgets all about it. For six weeks, I had her on the fucking tick-tac toy fucking video. And I told I would buy that thing if she behaved on the whole trip from California, Georgia, and she was a fucking angel. And one day we were making a run for something. And I go, hey, look at Target right there. Let's go in there. And I took her into Target. And I told

to do what you need to do, get a couple of fucking dolls or whatever. She brought them home. I didn't see her the rest of the day. Now I go on there, she's playing with Legos. She hasn't talked about it. That's kids.

You know what I'm saying? So when we would go over to Isla's, to Burt's, she would go right to Isla's room. My daughter's scared of dogs. My daughter wasn't scared of Bert's big fucking dog for no reason. She would go into Ireland's room and play, and I would hang out with Bert.

Good man. Good man. And I miss him. I miss Dio too. But I missed my times over at Burke Kreishe's house. So when I watched the cabin, the person that came to my mind is like, rest of soul. You know what I mean? This in a positive way.

When Ralphie May fell into his dollhouse outside his house when he, when we were younger years ago, we had a fucking dollhouse, not we. Burke Kreisher and his daughters had a da house outside his man cave. And as we were walking out, me and Bert were talking about whatever, where Ralphie was waddling behind us, and all of something, we just hear, and we turned around, and Ralphie's like, get me out of here, Blair.

I slipped in the darkness, and we had to carry him out there, and the dollhouse was smashed. I was thinking about all the nights. I went over to Bert Crisis House with my family. It was just to do stupid shit, but one Christmas, guys, Christmas on L.A. is like fucking 60 degrees, you know what I'm saying?

it might turn to 50 or fucking the wind blows or something. But this one time we went over there, tremendous. And they had the pool open. Uncle Bert starts fucking around, saying, I'm thinking of jumping in the pool and all this shit, right? So a kid jumped in the pool and all the other kids wouldn't jump in. And Mercy goes, I jump in the pool. And Bert's like, I dare you, Mercy.

And Mercy's like, watch this. And she fucking, this is a Mercy's like three guys. Mercy loved to fucking swim and jump in water and stuff. It's nighttime. It's fucking cold out. They didn't believe in Mercy's like, I'll go in there. They're like, Mercy, mercy, mercy, go, go, go. And my daughter started looking at the water.

And she started getting fired up. And all of a sudden, she started fucking running to the thing. And before she ran the pool, she stopped and she goes, Dad, hold my ring. I gave her some fucking little fucking ring. She got in a crackerjack box or some shit. and she hit the pool and we fucking died of laughter. And those are memories.

We didn't have to tape it. We didn't have to take a picture of it. We just laughed our asses off. And ever since that day, Bert and Mercy got tied in. So she asked me about a week ago, how's Uncle Bert doing? So the whole thing. So, you know, man, I said some things a few weeks ago about L.A. And I realize now that I do miss some of my friends.

And it's fine. We communicate. We talk, we chit-chat from time to time. And that's it. I checked up on Theo. A lot of you people said, check up on Theo. I checked up on Theo. He was fine.

You know, he's going through what you're going through. Do we make the right decision moving here? What am I going to do with my life? What happens in six months? Do I take the vaccine? What the fuck? It's just too many fucking things. So people are at their fucking peak.

So I get it. I get it. if you're upset. I called everybody I can. I check in. I check in with Lee. I check in with Steve Simone. And that's it. That's the best you can do. I'm fucking stoned already. I love it. You know what I'm saying? Don't take much these days. I've been kind of, you know, you can't smoke all day because I'm busy. I got the kid, I got the wife, I got shit to do in the daytime. But when we do have a little chance to take Tate like this, we got to smoke a little number from time to time, just to throw you off, you know what I'm saying? Just to let you know,

still got you. I feel good. I've been working out, but even right. My sleep has been fucking tremendous. You know, I get a good seven hours straight now. No more staying up late nights. No more nothing. If you see me up late night, it's because I probably fell asleep like at 9.30 and now it's 3.30 in the morning. I'm more like lurking like a fucking animal. That happens to me. And that hasn't happened in the last couple of weeks. I thought, I think it happened like two I woke up like at four and I'll stay up I'll play instead of laying there and fighting myself and being angry Fuck it I get up I read a little bit and I fuck around and tweet and get everything ready so when I come back later on Everything's fucking done for me tomorrow. I got an appointment with the heart doctor

To make sure everything's all ready. It's by fucking Zoom from California so hopefully he fucking I gotta go on Zoom so hopefully he fucking submits of me to a doctor here. Not that my heart is bad or whatever, but all this anxiety hasn't helped. So I'm in the same position as you motherfuckers. But like I said, you can't be, like that guy that sent me to take me.

My anxiety tackled me again. Listen, we're all going to be scared. And we all have our fears. I want you to tackle them in different levels. I don't want you going, well, okay, I'm going to tackle my fears. I'm going to go from being at home for a month. the giant stadium to see guns and roses, you'll fall apart.

Just take little baby steps. The store, a circle of three, a circle of six, then go home and be scared for a week or so. Test yourself, you'll probably be getting fucking paranoid. And just linger out, guys. These four walls, they only get smaller when you're going through what you're going through. The four walls just get smaller.

So don't let yourself get caught up in four fucking walls. go outside stand on the side of the fucking building there's no COVID on the side of your building there's no COVID on the side of your house it's just you want you to breathe look at the sun it's raining today in jersey if you think i don't go out because it rains it rain Monday you should have seen me i was fucking everywhere rain don't fucking kill you depression does you fucking hiding does you're not expressing yourself that's the shit that kills you you not letting out you're stress that's what fucking kills you you're not working it out writing it out riding it out. That's what's going to put you in a fucking hole. Not the fucking, you know,

oh, I'm going to die from COVID. No, you're not. Chris Christie made it. We're good. Once you saw that motherfucker walk out of the hospital, you were like, who, unless you're in worse shape than he is. You know what I'm saying? But if he made it, he's fine. Trump's 74, overweight, he's fucking fine. Listen, guys, I think the media played with our heads a little bit. I think that the debts were exaggerated. You guys all know this. And I think that right now, it's the virus is fucking, you know, mutated. And it ain't taking people.

Take your chances. Get your life back. Go get your life back. Oh, you lost your job. Start from scratch. Go get a new fucking job. Oh, you don't like your job? Well, this is the time to get the job you fucking like.

Right or wrong? It can't get no worse than this. So go for what you fucking go for. It can't get no worse than this. Listen, in 1991 I got on stage. I had a job, I was making good money, I was flipping cars, I was doing rooves on the side. I wasn't fucking, you know, Jeff Boas,

whatever's name is, the guy that owns Amazon, the little Cuban dude, but I was making a little bit of cash. But was I happy? I was fucking miserable. I was fucking miserable. And then to the grace of God and my ex-wife, some way I got up on stage at the comedy works in Denver. And, you know, it didn't take a fucking genius

when I walked off that stage. I didn't know if this was my calling, but I knew that it was what I wanted to do. I knew I enjoyed roofing, I enjoyed working with the family, I enjoyed working a day job, I'm not a lazy person. But at the same time, I want to do it. I wanted to do comedy bad. I did it a couple times after I got on stage the first time.

I did a couple times in August. I came back to New York in 91 and snuck some spots in some places. I was fucking terrible. But I knew it's what I wanted to do. Now I was in a dilemma. How was I going to do comedy, have a child, and, you know, maintain a relationship with a wife? When you're 28, that's a tough dilemma to put together.

Now I do it because I know exactly what my duties are. You can't waste time. When you're 28, you don't know that. You still want to go to your buddy's house and watch the game and play fucking Nintendo, whatever fucking football, you motherfuckin' or whatever. Once you get a family, all that ends. You know, all that ends.

You got to put all those things aside. I wanted to do comedy so bad, but I had so many fucking things on my plate. I didn't know where the fuck to start from. When I walked in that fucking house, October 15th, which we want to come on the anniversary on fucking tomorrow,

when I walked in that house, October 15th, they got lunch, something I forgot. And my ex-wife was standing in the kitchen with a piece of paper. We had a kitchen, and then we had like a little desk next to it. It was just like a two-bedroom condo in Boulder. and she was showing me this loan that I had taken and paid back and why I had taken it.

If she was making such a big deal about it, I mean, there was no argument or nothing. She just said it was time for her to take a break and for us to get separated. When she said those words to me, guys, it's like the most bittersweet moment in my life. I mean, I didn't want to lose my wife, but I did want to do fucking comedy. I mean, I didn't want to lose my wife. but I did want to do comedy. Over the weeks, she told me, yeah, you're still going to have a relationship with your daughter,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I went right for it. Why? Because when we got separated, something happened with the roofing company. All of a sudden, they had a big job in Jersey, and they couldn't take me because they already had an estimator and a roostocker over there.

So I was left without a job. So as soon as all this happened, what do you do? me to cry? I lost like a $70,000 a year job in 1980. Fucking 1991. Did you want me to cry? Yeah, I'm just going to feel it in my pocket. But no, it was the perfect time to get in the comedy because I had nothing to lose. So right now, guys, you got nothing to lose. If there's something you want to do, this is the time to do it. You're on your fucking grandmother's couch anyway. It can't get no worse than this.

They won't even take your ass at the shelter. So you might as well go with this for right now and take a chance. Why you can do it. I don't want you to think that having fucking $10 in your pocket is going to change your life. No, it's not. You're still going to have the same problems

you've always fucking had. We think those skeletons just miraculously disappear. They fucking don't. So what you need to do is grab your notebook, start writing and move forward. I don't care whether you want to be a painter, whether you want to do beats.

You know, I was a song to go online here. They want us to do beats. He doesn't know where to start. I said, fucking do beats. I don't know. There you go. It starts with a fucking beat. And then figure out the synthesizer.

I don't know that world. I don't know nothing about that world. I can't walk him through them. But don't hit me what you want to do. It's time to do it. You know what I'm saying? I want to do a thousand things. I wish I would have done a thousand things.

I wish I would have went down wine and I had some oranges and shit, but that never happened, okay? I never had an orgy in my life. It's disgusting, especially now to think about it. Let me see what else I want to cover with you guys here today. We got that. We got that. We got that.

We got that. Oh! Oh, I want to talk to you something about very important, all right? The Patreon tears. Listen, I love doing Patreon. I love you motherfuckers to debt. You guys were my therapy, August, September. You guys were my therapy.

Listen, when you have 14.5,000 people, what's 10% of that? That's emails. And you guys know, if you're on my Patreon, I answer back emails. Some of very simple emails, but some of you guys lay heavy shit on me. If I tell you my fucking schedule, you would die with it. Day on nights, I sit down at 9 o'clock on that computer. I kiss my daughter good night, and I wrap up that computer at 1 in the morning. I mean, and that's just answering emails.

Now I still got to do a podcast, and I still got to fucking do an intro for you guys, which I love. I love doing all this stuff. I love being in the car and hearing a new song and going, oh, I'm going to use that for the intro tomorrow, or I wake up. That intro's done very organically. I wake up in the morning, what song do I want to hear? This morning I gave you what I gave you. Bam, there you go.

There's no drama. All I'm trying to do is get you started and take your mind somewhere else in the morning with a little bit of music. You know, I used to do it on fate on Twitter where I put the saying, and then I put videos up with the songs I'm feeling with this like a combining.

It's tremendous. You know, I'll put on something. And what I'm saying, is what I'm fucking feeling what I got to do today like I work myself up today's a no nonsense day they ain't giving away shit I start calling myself a piece of shit you got nothing coming you got to do it you got to do because it's true everybody's walking around thinking you got something coming nowadays you got nothing coming you know when when this fucking pandemic is always going to throw you out of your apartment if you didn't pay rent it's that simple I know people who have not

paid rent since fucking April and the landlord said this is great when your lease is over, you gotta go. You know, somewhere along the line, you're gonna have to face the fucking realities of this COVID situation. So I want you to plan for it. Listen, people have couches. Don't be fucking so proud that you can't ask. Don't be so proud.

That's what I'm seeing. I saw that in California. All those hi people, all those fucking nitwits now got to deal with their jobs and they don't have jobs and they don't have the fucking means to keep literally. up in Studio City. Trust me, I had neighbors that were fighting for their life to put two nickels together. Now, they're gonna really fucking see it

because it affects your image. See, they live for the Joneses out there. I don't live for nobody. I live so my daughter can fucking eat. You follow me? I live so my daughter could eat. I drive a Subaru. You don't see me parry trooping in fucking Hawaii.

I don't give a fuck. I'm here with my family. That's the one thing I can do. But those people in L.A., The people that were in my name, but they have a certain image to keep. Who do you think is paying for those fucking nannies? There's been more fucking Mexican nannies deported on purpose.

I guarantee those fucking white people called the cops. I got an illegal nanny here. Come get us so I can lose the $1,200 a fucking month. Because they're running like three nannies. I swear to God. So a bunch of nannies had to get fucking fired. People's had to start drinking. You know, alcohol sales through the fucking roof.

I spoke to drug dealers. cocaine sales are through the fucking roof. You're smoking, I'm smoking. We ain't all that broke. We're living off of something. Some of you motherfuckers got reef of butt. The most important thing is you living for the Jones motherfuckers? It's going to be a little tough now

when the Jones are related to COVID. Huh? How does it feel now? Talking about your boats and shit. Forget that shit. Forget that shit. Now those L.A. people are going to fucking feel it with all their bullshit. And listen, my heart goes out.

to them. They drank the tea. In 2005, when I drank the longest yard, I drank the tea. But in 2006, when I realized I was still the same piece of shit I was, it was all over. The tea fucking wore off. And I realized what that game was about. And it's about fucking just doing what you're doing, pushing the fucking forward. And you can't worry about what this guy is doing or that guy. Oh, he's got a new car. I got to buy a new car. You don't got to buy dick. Fuck him. What else you don't know is that motherfucker's paying $800 a month And you can't borrow $800 You come to me and say, listen, I can't make my Ford payment

It's $2.40, I'll give it to you. $2.40 ain't shit. But you come to me for an $8,000 card payment. I might lend you half the first time. The second time, I'll suggest that you light the car on fire or we can light it on fire together. I know exactly how to fucking do it. I've looked out of our cards on fire before.

It's no big deal. Right now is a good time to look at your finances and see what you, you know, what you can live off of and what you live off of it. Cable is fucking high. I look at cable every day and I go, why the fuck do I pay all this money? I only watch one fucking channel and that's just once a week. I watch CBS 60 minutes once a week. If I watch football, it's at Florentine's house or something like that, I don't watch that much fucking TV. Last time I went upstairs, my wife was watching some lady with some tattoo on the leg.

Get the fuck out of here. right down and went back to answer the fucking email. I don't watch fucking TV. So if you're not watching that much TV, cut, cut, cut, cut. You don't got to deal with the Joneses no more. It's fucking COVID, cucker. And that's it. I don't even know what else to fucking tell you.

I'm nice and fucking eye. Rule number one, don't get high into one. It's been happening to me the last couple times. The last two podcasts I did, I paid for those motherfuckers after the cameras got turned off. The first one was that spray day where I did about 19 sprays. I didn't feel it like 3 o'clock

And fucking Monday, Sunday's podcast I ate a 200 milligram capsule I'm not doing that no more fucking at 10 o'clock in the morning That was a big mistake I found myself nodding during the fucking Miami Dolphin game Like a heroin junkie had to get up And fucking eat 22 chicken wings

Thank God I didn't gain no weight And weight watches is all right with chicken That doesn't have the sauce on it But we all got fucking problems But I will tell you one thing. If you have a chance this weekend, or if you don't have a chance, or if you just find somebody with Showtime,

I think you can fucking pirate the app. I don't fucking know. I don't know nothing about that. I just have, you know, a lot of people email me and said they saw me on it. If you get a chance, watch the last three episodes. And if you get a chance, watch all the five episodes.

It is very interesting. You know, I sit here, and I say shit sometimes that it's not alive, but it's not correct in the way I say it. I was part of something. I wasn't part of a crime organization or the mafia. I was part of the fucking comedy mafia. I was part of something that was so fucking big,

and now that I'm here and I see it, I was so proud of. I was so fucking proud of. I didn't do a lot of good time. in my life. But life, God, Buddha, whoever the fuck led me to the fucking comedy store. Just led me to the comedy store. You know, I got off that fucking, I drove down with my girlfriend the stripper in a trailer who were pulling a fucking Mazda. Excuse me, and we landed, I gotta be honest with you, we landed in LA at 715 at night. God, I'm a little.

A 101 exited. We didn't know we were going. We had a trailer. Yeah, one of those fucking RVs. We were fucking tow in a fucking car, and we had a dog in the RV. I didn't know where the fuck to go. We pulled up on Fairfax Boulevard.

We disconnected the car. We went to Al Capulco, a.k.a. The Sycamore Tavern with Sam Triply ran. That's what that what place was, Alcapulco Mexican restaurant. It was all you could eat. I fucking went down there with my girlfriend.

I ate dinner. And there was only one place to go on that Monday night. You know, January 29th. There was only one place to go. And I went right to the comedy store. And they didn't let me park on the lot. I had to pay the park and walk in like a civilian. But I walked around the back and it was just amazing.

I saw a couple of comics. I had known James Stevens, the 30. It was Monday night. I think it was an open mic night. I met Wheels. I saw the guy from The Last Dragon with Eddie Griffin. I saw Eddie Griffin. Didn't say anything to anybody.

I just sat there and I watched the show. I talked to Bill Barris. I forget that. That's his name, Barris. I forget now because I'm lying. And Don Barris. I'm sorry. Don Barris.

I spoke with Don Barris. It was funny. I was just watching a video about Van Halen on Jimmy Kimmel. And I don't know if something had happened. And they were running late. And it's a fucking video of Don Barris with a suit on, pushing the fucking crowd back as a Jimmy Kimmel warmup. Fucking tremendous if you could see it.

I saw a couple great videos this weekend. You get a chance. If you want to watch a real podcasting, the beginnings of podcasting, there's a fucking how it stir. with Artie Lang and Robin, and Dice calls in because Artie Lang did a gig for Dice, and Dice never paid him to five grand. It was two weeks later, and Artie got mad.

Listen, man, to do a good podcast, you got to watch the old Howard Stern shows, because that was the beginning of the podcast, and they didn't know it, because it was a different level of opening up. Artie was really doing some, you know, I haven't heard. from Artie. I reached out to him a couple times. I hear he's doing well. I hear he's scared of COVID. He's taking his, he's taking care of his mother. But most importantly is that he's clean. But I don't give a fuck what you motherfuckers think of Artie. Ardy's made some mistakes and he's done some heroin. So what? Who gives a fuck? When Artie Lang was on Stern, those are some of the best

fucking years of radio as far as I'm concerned. You won't argue with me, argue with me. And there were the beginnings of podcasting because it wasn't like, hey, you just heard Eric Clapton, slow in. No, it was just these guys talking. And he went from this chubby little Italian guy that was doing blow and gambling. And right before your eyes, he changed this to this guy that was now wearing sunglasses and was talking about going ahead and getting heroin and shit like that it's brilliant if you're starting a podcast if you're thinking a starting one if you're doing a podcast if you think you could be doing a little better let me tell you what I because listen three quarters of the shit I do here is stirring and rogue and combined that's it and I add my own personal flavor

and I talk from the heart and my balls well let's be honest with you You know, we all have influences for something. For comedy, it's always been Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor for me, you know. For music, it's always been, you know, Eric Clapton, David Gilmore's guitar, you know, fucking bottom's drumming, you know, Robert Plant, what he does on stage with his body, you know, it's always been something. When it comes to podcasting, my two fucking heroes were how it's, Stern and Joe Rogan.

I mean, they just, somewhere I wanted to be in the middle of that. I don't have the intelligence of Rogan. I don't have the interviewing skills with Howard Stern, but I got the heart, and I've studied them both, and I try to bring that to you guys.

So always remember that. Before you go into something, you've got to have a guide. Some guy that you're watching that you're going, hmm, is that he's doing it. I'm a fan of that motherfucker. I like what he's doing, but I would do it differently. That's where the art comes in.

That's where the word art comes in and creativity. You know, this is what this has been, you know, this is not a brain surgery here, guys. This is not brain surgery. This is a wall, a couple of iPhones, a fucking portable mic that's on the fucking thing that picks up everything. I mean, last time I went to tape a fucking thing for you guys, and I go up sitting and tell my wife. to turn the TV down. That that fucking microphone. You can't have a conversation.

If you have a conversation down the block, the FBI can take into that microphone, clean it up, and hear the fucking conversation down the block. These mics are great. This ain't no fuck. Cost $49.95, $69, $69 on fucking Amazon. You're looking to start a podcast. Just go to fucking Amazon.

I promised you guys. I didn't want to come up with glitter and glam. I will promise you one thing, though. I think for the Kabib fight, I'll have the bar ready for you, motherfuckers. And I'll do like one of those fight-type things. We'll watch the fight. With the last five fights in the card,

I'll talk about it, I'll get somebody to come up, you know, it won't be a big-time production or nothing. But by that time, I could probably give you the first glimpse of the bar. That's what I'm going to use it for. For sporting events, maybe we'll do a movie podcast sometime, and we'll do it in there. The wheels are fucking spinning, sucker. I'm not just sitting here fucking, you know, jerking off here. I'm fucking thinking. I'm

thinking of better ways to, because I think they're going to lock things down. Somewhere, I hope not, you know, my daughter's going to school. I hope a kid don't fucking sneeze. First kid that's neat, you know, I'll lose my, my daughter sneezes. She got fucking allergies. That's why she drives me crazy when she sneezes too. But, you know, if they close this down, which I hope not, I hope that I'm not crazy. You know, I don't know how cold December and January is, but I just want to keep doing with this with you. This is it.

It's not going to be no fucking big lights in Hollywood Purdue. I don't need the aggravation. All we're doing here is fucking communicate. And if this is the easiest way to do it, so be it. You got everybody here. You got Bruce Lee. You got Sid the Squid Moncrief. You got Palisade Amusement Park.

You got my man Charles Bronner. and you got ACDC five days, four days before I saw him the first time. That's June 30th. I saw him August 4th. What's the fucking difference? Who gives a fuck?

It don't make me no better than you motherfuckers. All I'm saying is we're here and we're queer. The joint is fucking done. Episode 4. What did we learn today? If you got offended by Bill Burr,

just fucking jump off a bridge. Leave me to fuck alone, okay? Leave me to fuck alone. Number two, Burke Christ is a bad motherfucker. Give him the respect he deserves. He comes to your town. I don't care if you go after the show and just buy a $10 hat.

Support. Number three, watch the Comedy Store documentary. It means the world to me. It means the world to me. Download the Showtime app. Showtime's got some great other shows on there also and watch that documentary because it means the world to me.

That somebody took the time. It means the world to me that after I punched the ticket, people are going to watch that fucking thing and go, wow, we didn't know he was a part of that. Yes, I was. With all my felonies and all my problems and all my addictions, I was still a fucking part of that. You know, I came there, I don't know, 15 years,

or maybe, I don't know, 10 years after Kennison's fucking crew rolled out of that. We came up there with a whole new crew in 98, and we took it straight to 2007. I took a couple of years off. I came back to the store in 2013, and dog, I closed that motherfucker out on March 3rd. So guess what? I'm like a fucking captain up there

at that fucking comedy store. I paid my dues. A lot of people became regulars and didn't fucking make it out. I walked off that stage in March 3rd, the same way I walked out of that podcast studio. With my head held high, I gave you the best job I could give you.

And I walked out of there with fucking dignity into the fucking... sunlight you can't fucking beat that guys and that's all i'm trying to tell you don't ever let nobody tell you it's time to go like i'm doing right now i'm gonna bow out of this one because i'm a little too high i love you motherfuckers with all my heart thank you for support and the sponsors this week's is blue chew you got to work on your dick and stamps dot com you got to help your business game you want to sell globes get to sell them fucking globes get stamps dot com That's it and that's that

I love you motherfuckers with all my heart Patreon 3, 5, 10, $15 You get the album review You get the fucking lens You get everything And everybody gets a little work money Everybody gets a little fucking dip

You know, it's just This isn't just going my pocket I'm not being I spread it around a little bit People need money, people need help My man one by one podcast is helping me Thank God He's one of the most creative

guys have met in fucking years. Great man. My man Lee is up in Milwaukee. He put out a new podcast. Please support him because we're going to be going back and forth. And once he gets to Boston, I'll be doing Zoom appearances on him. Even though I don't like Zoom for Lee, I'll do whatever the fuck he needs because I want him to tell his friend. Lee's podcast, I hope, he does it like Aerosmith did their book. Two guys telling their view on that particular night. And I'm like Ralphie Knights or whatever I could call it. But do me that favor and support Lee Syed. Anybody else are you supporting during this time?

You know I give you my fucking soul with this. You know I answer my messages on Patreon. We cut the messages from $3 to $5. And it's now called Dear Abby. And I did that for a reason because I want you to contact me with real problems. Not what kind of weed you smoke and Joey. I already post those pictures up.

so we switch that up. On the $15 tier, you get everything, and you get merch, but you do not get it until January 1st. This is what I'm saying to you. Why? Because we're backed up. We got the design. What do you want me to do?

Put it on my fucking forehead? I can't do that. It only comes in Excel and large, but let me talk to them. I got a lot of fucking X-O-3s and X-O-4s that I know are going to want stuff. So I'm going to try to fucking do that for you also. Okay. The $3 one, you guys are the dollar ones that came on.

You're getting everything except the album thing, the live videos, and the messaging. Why? Because you guys are the ones that were messaging me a lot. And the people that were giving more money weren't messaging me at all. So I had to cut that down a little bit. If you want to talk to me and keep up the conversation, you're going to get everything else in the fence. So what do you give a fuck? I'm going to talk to them today about hats and try to get those out sooner than later.

And that's it and that's that, guys. I'm trying my hardest to bring you comfort, to bring you happiness, and a fucking little laughter for a couple minutes every week, all right? Go to patreon.com slash Joey Diaz. The podcast, this is always free. I don't give a fuck. Nothing interferes in this. This is my communication with the world.

I put it up on Patreon also, so I don't have to fuck around with it or whatnot. But that's it and that's that. Listen, it's the 14th of fucking October. We're halfway there. We're two months away from a new year. I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Have a great motherfucking weekend. I'll be lurking this weekend.

I'm going to hit you with a little surprise video or surprise something. You'll get an album of the week. Maybe. I don't know. I'm only giving you two a month. But I might drop three on you because I'm a nice guy. You know what I'm saying?

Stay black. day. Have a great weekend. Uncle Joey loves you. All right, cock suckers, like I told you in the beginning, Uncle Joey's joint is brought to you by Blue Chew. Remember when your dick would be hard just because the wind would blow, just like that. Your fucking dick would be hard. You would rub it through your jeans. You didn't know what to do. You get all the stress, you know, COVID, the whole thing. All of a sudden, you start getting the week become, the wood becomes a little weak. Fuck all that shit. I got a fix for that problem right now. It's bad enough you can't go to work. It's bad enough you fucking can't go anywhere At least you got to give mama a little stabbing and that's where blue chew comes in

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Uncle Joey's joint loves your cock suckers. Stay black. There you go. I don't want to be like that guy in the C-O-P-D commercial. Grandpa, you can't blow out the candles. Go fuck yourself.