The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #006 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: October 21, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... This episode is bought to you by CBD Lion, MVMT Watches & Manscaped!  Go to www.CBDLion.com and enter CODE: JOEY Go to www.mvmt.com and enter CODE: JOEY Go to www.Manscaped.com/JOEY And don't forget.... The Mind of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, the 21st of October. We're here for another fun-filled episode of Uncle Joey's Joint. I hope you guys are doing alright. I hope you're staying safe, and I hope you're doing all that shit. I am feeling T-Tot-Magu. Thank you for all the compliments you've been sending me that I look a lot better. Let me tell you something.

I feel a lot better. I had a... a heart doctor appointment my last appointment with the doctor in L.A. And we did it on the phone and I had to give them like my blood pressure reads for what's going on. And because I usually take the blood pressure

in the morning and at night and I have to log it down. Everything in my life is logged the fuck down, guys. I got to write everything to fuck down. I've been doing it for years. But we had like a little, you know, interview on the web zoom. And he was laughing because I mentioned him

on the Rogan podcast. He said, you never got so many calls on one day to thank you and all this shit. But he asked me, he goes,

you know, I can't give you any more colonopin or your other medications. I can't prescribe him over state. You have to get

some new, a new doctor, which I made an appointment yesterday to get a new primary and do a colonoscopy. You got to put that cam up your asshole.

It's a fucking bad feeling. You just go down there, they put you to sleep. They put a cam up your ass look around, but you got to do that. If not, you know, you're going to find problems later. I'm way overdue.

I haven't done one in my seven years. I'm thinking about redoing my knee in December, and since we're going to be in, what's the fucking, why am I going to be out there fist fighting for and whatnot? I'm thinking of a lot of things, but he asked me, he goes, how are you doing with the Kalanapan? And I go, I got to tell you something. I have an eight one in about eight days.

And he's like, what do you mean? And I go, I just de, you know, like I de, I de, uh, got off those things. I had him. He would give me prescriptions every three months, so I was just behind on him. I never really took him unless I was going up on stage or whatnot. But once fucking COVID hit,

I was doing the prescription, which is for a fucking day. And then I cut off at six. And from six to fucking midnight, I would just sit there in a panic attack, and then I would have to start eating edibles. So he asked me, goes, you know, how you've been doing?

And I go, I still got the, you know, A month supply, maybe, two-month supply. And he goes, what happened to your anxiety? And I go, I don't fucking know. I guess I wrote it out. I fucking, you know, between the breathing, the riding the bike, the writing, the fucking Patreon, and just doing what I'm supposed to do, you know, I just got rid of the fear. What I basically did was all these people like, hey, man, what are he doing next to me?

I'm just doing it day to day. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing next week. I just go from day to day. By the way, I added two more fucking nights at Uncle Vinnie's, November 18th and November 25th. So if you're in the area, it's only 38 seats. Don't fucking kill yourself over the material. Since last fucking Wednesday,

I've been writing little things down every day. But again, this week I'm going to go in there a little bit more open, a little bit more loose. It's not Carnegie Hall. You know, it's just 38 people, and I'm just fucking working out. That's why I kept the tickets low, because I'm just working out.

A lot of people show up, you know, so that's a good thing. Last week, Gomez, Eleanor Carrigan, Jimmy showed up. You know, this week we're going to have a nice house down there. So they have been fun, but I'm not ready to take it. Like, I have fears, but I don't have fears. I'm cooler on my house and stuff,

but I still look at my briefcase, my suitcase, and I'm like, I'm not ready to pack that. Do I look at my, I sleep apnea machine and I'm like, I'm not ready to pack that either. So for right now, I'm very cool going to Vinnie's on Wednesdays, that it doesn't overstep my fucking boundaries. I think if I see 100 people, I have a heart attack anyway. So for right now, the fear in my everyday life is gone. I still have little fears or little things. or they might not be fears. I might just have fucking burnt out.

I think I burnt out a little bit much on the road. And I just want to pull it back for a while. That's what it could be too. So besides everything else, I have no fear. My daughter is now in school. Four days a week, Cuckuckers. In California, she would have been looking at a war right now, thinking about an episode of the Twilight Zone.

But thank God we got it to fuck out of there. Because, listen, I don't know much about fucking, the space or the moon or fucking politics or the GOP or who's putting in a bill. But I know what a little kid looks like when they're fucking depressed. I know what she was going through. So now she's a fucking brand new kid. And as a father of your father, you see that as a blessing. I mean, she's a brain.

Whatever happened in L.A., those six months in the fucking house and the swings being tied up and people wouldn't talk to or people would go up to it without a mask. Those days are done with here. Those days are done with. And I'm going to tell you something. The surge is all around the country right now, including fucking New Jersey. There's hot spots popping back up. It's getting colder.

People are starting to get comfortable. People are starting to let your guard down. Listen, guys, don't let your fucking guard down. You see what happened with Rogan, with Jamie. Jamie's got it. You know, you're out there dicking around and, and Rogan's got a portable. fucking tester. You could just go in there and test everything. So you can have all the testing you

want. You can have all the stuff you want. You never know when you're going to bump into it. So please stay cautious of this shit. I don't want to, I don't want to picture you from fucking FaceTime with valves in your nose telling me, Joey, this is my last week, make me a video. I can't have that. I can't have that. That's why I have not had guests on yet. You know, I never liked fucking Zoom. I just don't like fucking Zoom. If we got to do it, it, we'll do it, but I'm not fucking too crazy about it right now. I have a couple people have contacted me to maybe zoom in. I'll start doing a couple of those pretty soon. But right now I'm just finding my voice on here. There's the beginning of Uncle Joey's joint. I'm just

trying to find a fucking voice. I'm not trying to fucking knock it out of the park or whatever. Yes, I had a co-host and I still have a fucking co-host. You don't want to say nothing? That's fine with me. You know what I'm saying? We're just here. We're just existing and we're pushing it through. I want to thank you people who have joined the Patreon and have gone through levels and whatnot because I'll tell you what, man. Half that money I paid taxes on.

I'm going to end up paying taxes on. But the other half of that money, I have helped some people who are having a hard time. You know, you know, we got Mike. We got last time, my man made me music for free for the podcast, and I took it from him this time. I knew, you know,

everybody's having a hard time. I called them up. I said, what do you want for the music? Whatever. We donated to the Mark Weiss Museum. Every Wednesday, I hire one of my nephews or a friend

who I think is struggling, and I have him give me a ride to Uncle Vinnie's, and I pay him as a driver. So I want you guys to know that you're helping out a lot of fucking people here with Patreon. The same way I helped you guys for free on YouTube. I didn't give a fuck. I got up at 6th of the morning.

That was my duty. I'm not rogan. I'm not Bill Burr. I got to work for your fucking love. I got to work for it. You know, I just didn't, you know, I'm not Chappelle. I'm not that lucky.

Never wanted to be them. I wanted to be Joey Diaz. So Joey Diaz turned a little different. I did it a little different. I had to attack you guys from a different fucking perspective to let you know I'm not just something why I can do.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm fucking out of my bird. But I ain't no fucking whack I can do here. I just, I have a heart like everybody else and I'm human. and I want to say what the fuck is on my mind, like I said last week. So if you got me on Patreon, you guys are doing a great job. I thank you with all my fucking heart.

Whether it's a dollar, or we raised the three, five, ten, fifteen, whatever. You guys are helping on a lot of people. And I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart, because I know how I fucking feel. I know the look on their faces, you know, when I tell them, listen, I'll do this for you. I can feel it. And it makes me feel good that I'm helping people during such a fucking horrible time. You know, and I crack jokes about unemployment, and I crack those jokes. I'm not insulting anybody.

I told you guys back in March to stop fucking around. The unemployment was going to be a fucking nightmare. The P.P.E loans, people are still waiting from this governor's holding on to them. Listen, just find a different way. I'd rather you find a different way and struggle for a month. struggle for six or seven months waiting for a check that might or might not fucking come. Correct? I'd rather you jump on the path. Listen, I was a fucking mess until I started this podcast going up again until I started getting back on stage because I got back to the movements I was doing.

You know, I didn't know how much of a big change it had been on my psyche that I wasn't able to do fucking stand-up comedy. It's, you cannot imagine me just. cutting your fucking legs off. If you're an IT guy, you can work from the house. But if you're a fucking attorney right now, you could do work from the house, but your work is on the fucking courtroom. My work is on a fucking stage.

You know, yeah, I could do a podcast and I could do other things, but let's figure this all out. For the last 39 years, my work has been on a stage. So I cut my leg, I got my legs cut off just like you guys. We had to do ulterior methods. You know, I wanted

to fucking have a bar for a fucking podcast. The bar is still there. We couldn't get everything in time. Macbooks are out. COVID won't deliver this chair, the wiring. The electrician took four fucking weeks, you know. COVID's putting a toll on everything. It's like I got a designer also and then I paid him. Instead of giving you that same fucking Jesus with the machine gun that my wife made with some fucking thing, we got a graphic designer for you. We paid him out just to help you guys. You guys saw a design on Patreon for the church uh for the uncle joey's joint and we got more church shit things coming but again it's the fucking covid that's slowing everything to fuck down my patches were made in hong kong i think like two

doors down from hunan from huwan so whatever the fuck so if you bought a fucking patch don't don't sniff it because it might have covid out of it god knows it came from china after shit you motherfuckers were getting we're getting from fucking covid so uh getting from china i'm sorry I don't mean to call China COVID down. I'm sounding like fucking Trump. I'm just fucking saying that half the shit we got was from China and now we're realizing.

I don't have a generator coming until February and I got a storm lurking outside the fucking Pacific, whatever. So, you know, everybody's behind on everything. So when you hit, if you're on Patreon and you hit me for the shirts, I don't have an idea. I don't have any fucking, they're still sending the samples over.

I'm going to hopefully get the samples for you. guys long sleeve hoodies this week I'm gonna look at the three different materials they give me whether it's gilden whatever the fun I'm gonna get you the best possible shirt I can it's gonna be a long sleeve you get that with you and then if you want to buy hoodies for the mind of or hoodies for the joint all this should will be available in time right now we're all waiting I think my wife reached out to a fucking thing and they had tons of extra large tons of Excel two and three and four fat people would have had a party there would have been curtains for years but they had no mediums and no largest so we're

just getting thrown into that fucking thing so work with me you know I'm a solid motherfucker you will get your fucking t-shirt you will get your fucking merch but just work with me because everything is fucking slow right now the only thing I can promise you I could give you is this something happens we could always give you this we could always put a fucking video on youtube just to keep you together keep your fucking sound and keep you happy that's what i'm trying to do it's just keep you guys happy and keep you motivated on all we're living is for the day just for the day people are hey what are you doing Saturday i have no fucking idea i know what i'm doing this Saturday I got the

double combo from debt I got kabib gagey and the honeymoon is archie bunker. I'm not going nowhere fucking Saturday night. That is the fight of the fucking year. Who's going to win? I have no idea. I have not seen the fucking wands. You know, if I'm not doing nothing Saturday night

or I don't make plans, maybe we'll do a little live stream, just of Kibibh and Gagey right off the phone just to fuck with you motherfuckers. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing Saturday. I don't know what I'm doing fucking Friday. All I know is I got to get a P.O.

and I gotta get a haircut this fucking week. Something's got a fucking give. That's all I fucking know. I don't know nothing else. I don't know nothing. People are you coming to this restaurant? I don't know nothing. Tonight I go to Vinnie's.

That's all I fucking know. I don't know nothing. I got a kid that fucking gets home at 1230. And from there on, I got nothing for you. So if you bother me, you fucking call me, I don't fucking know what to tell you. I got a kid that comes home at 1230. And then she goes back on her Zoom.

From two to three, thank God, that's fucking over. No more fucking Zoom for the kids. So now she gets home at three. Thursdays, she starts going to the little after-school program, and that gives me a little bit more time. But pretty much, I'm living day-to-day. These fucking agents calling me, you want to go to Pittsburgh?

I don't want to go nowhere. I don't want to go fucking nowhere. You just keep calling and keep asking and keep getting offers. You knock yourself out. I'll tell you whatever the fuck you want to hear. I'll tell anybody whatever the fuck. they want to hear. But in my world right now, I always live like this. I always live day to day. Why the fuck are you doing? You know, what are we going to do three years from now? I don't know.

The other day my wife came down. Oh, my God, my brother's going to lose his job in five years. In five years, he'll figure something to fuck out. But right now, you got to work with what's in front of you. I'm concerned about my daughter. I'm concerned about my family. I'm worried about you guys. I mean, you guys have been family with me, well, for 10 years now, we've been fucking going back and port. That's my concerns. When you guys send me emails,

you know, I get little fucking emails. I read them all, you know, I read them all. And I see what's going on with you, and I can't really fucking, you know, I got too many of you motherfuckers that I'm dealing with. But one thing for sure, my heart goes out to Bicheros. I love your debt.

My man Jay contacted me yesterday. And they found something, and he's going to be fucking. You know, when I first read it, I was a little upset. I liked the Micheros out of fucking Pittsburgh. But the problem was, I know he's going to be fine. I couldn't let him know how upset I was because there's really nothing to be upset right now. Have you got cancer?

I have a friend that's been free base and coke. He's been rubbing coke in his eyeballs. This kid's been on drugs since we were sophomores together. We did Coke the first day together. He just got cancer. He went for five treatments and they were gone. And this guy is in no condition to do anything. He understands me.

He's got Coke teeth. He's got the whole thing. So if he could beat it, you guys can beat it. I have faith in God and I have faith in the science and medicine today. It's like if you get COVID listening. It's not the end of the world. The flu kills more people. I just don't want you to go through that.

I don't like hospitals. It's not so much. I'm scared of COVID. It's 100. No. That's what the media wants you to do. To be fucking petrified, to drop everything you got and to instill fear into your life. Have you seen that fucking video or that thing by Paul Harvey if I was the devil?

Have you guys ever seen that fucking video if I was the devil? He fucking made this in like 1950. Paul Harvey is a guy that does a one-hour radio show. I don't know if he still does it today or not. I discovered Paul Harvey in 1983. in Snowman's Village, Colorado when I was working, that was an odd carrier. And people would listen to Paul Harvey, that one hour,

whatever the fuck Paul Harvey got to say, he's got to say. And he did this thing, maybe 1951, I think. You have to look it up. And it's like a podcast, 15-minute thing where he says, if I was the devil. And he starts with this long fucking sentence

about what he would do if he would do, if he would be the devil, and half of it is what's going on with this COVID right now. I mean, if you think about what's going on right now, you've all, all years have lost a relative during this through this, whether the COVID or not the COVID.

I've lost maybe four people throughout this whole thing. Two of them, since I've been in Jersey, which is two months. So I've been losing one person a month. That's under fucking 60. So it's just going around guys. The world is turned up on its access. Nobody knows what's going on.

And we're not here to figure it out. We're just here to plow fucking through it. I don't want you sitting there fucking being, you know. I wonder what the fuck has going on, nothing. Nothing that we know about on this fucking nothing. It's a coronavirus. It came from here. We don't really even know.

I don't believe dick guys. I don't believe dick anymore. I wear my mask. They tell me if I need to go into a business. I need to wear a mask. I wear my mask. If I see a circle of people, I slip my mask up. I don't get myself into cavoidal fucking situations.

You know, I love to be able to go do a show for 250 people. But me, knowing me, who I am and Joe Diaz, if one of those 250 people get sick because of me, I'm not going to feel too good. That's not what I do. I'm not going to feel too good. So before we do that, 38 people in a room that seats 180

doesn't scare the fuck out of me. I think Uncle Vinny's just doing a fucking great job. They're sticking to it. It's these fucking galvone greedy motherfuckers that are playing Russian roulette with people's lives. I won't tolerate. I just won't tolerate it. You don't need to fucking see.

You know what? I have a great time every night. I sit down and I put a different hour month. I smoke a joint, whatever the fuck I do, and I listen to an hour. I'm just as enjoyed as if I go to a fucking concert. You see Guns and Roses trying to sell tickets? You see all the top bands trying to sell tickets.

They're not. Because they know they don't need the aggravation, the insurance. But what they don't need is they're fucking anything on their conscience. I don't want to invite anybody on a comedy show. And you go back to your grandmother and she punches the ticket. And there's no Thanksgiving because some stupid joke, Uncle Joey was going to fucking say. It's not worth it to me. and it's not worth it to you guys.

For 38 people, I'm fine. Everybody around me is like, don't you want to do that, down there, they cheat 80. Listen, two more weeks, you can't do no shows outside. You're going to be a fucking penguin. These animals are going to get hungry, they're going to come out early. I'm not doing no shows outside.

I love it. Don't get me wrong. If this is still the way it is next year at this time, I'm doing an outdoor fucking tour if I'm ready. If they allow it, I don't, you know, the numbers got to be. kept small because it's those big fucking super spreader events and I don't want to be a part of those that's it and that's that I miss you guys more than you miss me live you don't think I miss going

on stage tearing it the fuck up I fucking miss it but right now I'm not in the condition the country's not in the condition so for right now we'll just sit back look at each other we'll do the podcast if you want to fuck around you come on Patreon you can ask me a message on Twitter Facebook, I'm around. But for right now, that's all we got. Tip Top Magoo. We're going to keep this going because I want all years healthy. 2021 is going to be a great year. Listen, 2020 is in the books already. You got to assume if you're still thinking, I have a date December 18th with my band and Canipsi. But listen, get rid of that idea. That's not going to happen. You and your fucking band you know get to the garage put mask on and get the fucking rehearsing those fucking songs right now a

band is writing right now a band is putting melodies together right now a rap is putting beats together you're in your house that the what else do you do what else you want to do nothing you can do you want to invite plenty of people for your house and then have a crime stopper across the street call and say you're doing functions at your house pasadena lena i just avoid all that shit i keep it to myself. Saturday night there's a fight. I like to watch it here, but I just move to the area. I would also love to go to a bar, maybe sit outside, maybe watch the fights, but I know at 8 o'clock I'm going to freeze to death. I don't want to be inside a place with a fucking mask on, not being able to drink or eat. So I might as well get the fight, watch it at home, combine it with the

honeymooners my regular. So I'm going to have a great fucking Saturday night. Oh, and if you see I'm not talking about food. I'm trying to cut my way down. I'm trying to keep it down. I'm just talking about entertainment. I'm trying to entertain myself. What I am doing, in other words, is I'm trying to live a life, so I have material for you. I ran out of material. I've already told you all about my fucking life for the last fucking 56 years. It's time to do some new adventures. I went to museums. I've been to record shops. I've been laughing. I've been giggling. I've been keeping it a fucking, you know, if I don't have to go, but I also believe in my sanity. The same way I believe in my daughter's sanity, that you have to talk with certain people

to keep up, you have to rap. I believe in that too. So every day I meet with somebody, a neighbor, I got my man Frankie down the corner, I got my man Rudy up the corner, I got Steve around the corner with his wife, they're all cool people. I take my bike and I ride and guess what? I call for them. A 57-year-old man ringing your dad. doorbell going, hey, I'm not here for your kids. I want to see what you're doing. And they freak out. I do it to all of them. I ringing that doorbell. They come out. We fucking talk shit. I haven't unleashed a refron them because I don't want to scare them. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to make friends, so I don't want to give somebody a 200 milligram edible. And they end up in Mount Sinai.

And then I'm like that fucking Jew that went skiing and New Rochelle and came back and infected the whole fucking neighborhood. Now people throw an eggs on them and it's not even Halloween. You know how many eggs? They've thrown at that fucking Jews' house up in New Rochelle. He's got eggs thrown out his house fucking every day since he fucking spread fucking the COVID to the community. I wonder where the fuck that motherfucker is now. If I was him, I would move to fucking Bulgaria. That's like making a bad fucking movie. And then going out the next day and people like, oh, we saw your movie. We got to go. And they get in the fucking car. It's the same thing. If you spread COVID in the neighborhood, you ain't going to

be light too much. It's the same thing with me. I got to start out light. When I go out, this last party I went to last week, it was a little like outside cookout in the daytime. They had a big screen TV. I'm not going to lie, dear. I showed up with a bag of 20 milligram animals. At the end of the night, I mentioned it. And some people said, let me try, you know, and I just, so right now, I can't be killing people yet at L.A. style. You know, I can't pull an Ari on bird out here. It just would crash. Who the fuck I'm trying to be out of here?

I'm trying to be a responsible parent. So I haven't even showed up with the ABX or whatever the fuck they are. The ATX, ABX, edibles. Those little 200 milligrams will fucking bury them. I haven't done one in like two weeks either. Listen, I have to give those ABXs. They're just too fucking strong. If you're in the mood to really see the fucking devil,

See, now that I don't do it Every day, I see what's true I'm sitting here going, wow, what the fuck Was I thinking eating three of those? Where the fuck was my head at that day? I can't, I can't no more I'm on a light schedule now I have these little fucking pro tabs I gave my man Mike a couple the other day

And hey, you got to worry about because I actually think Pro tabs put something in their stuff Because you get T8C high but you go like this other high, like you're scratching your neck type of heroin high, like something ain't fucking right. So there's something else in those pro taps. I can take like two or three of them just to keep the blood going. It's only 75 milligrams.

But once I fuck with over four of those things, no bueno. No, bueno. I start fucking speaking low, no bueno. My wife called me out last week. Fucking Lee said something to me. He goes, you sounded. Fucked. Last Wednesday after I bombed, I needed something to bring down the pain.

You know what I'm saying? Sometimes when you bomb, you can take it, and sometimes you can't. I took it. Don't get me wrong. But at the same time, it hurt my fucking feelings a little bit. Why is it that every time I want to do a podcast, the Mexican shows up with the weed black machine. You understand me?

No, shit. Every time this fucking, every time I do a fucking podcast, this fucking Mexican shows up on a fucking Tuesday morning. Why is he always that? It's either the Mexican dude or my daughter is jumping up up. I can't win, but that's what happens by not having an office. But again, this is just the beginning. Guys, this is just the beginning of this evolution. If you know anything about me, we grow, we grow, we add, we grow, we add. It's just doing it to find my voice until I find my voice. When we started,

we had different pictures up. I had to add the picture of Joe Rogan. I saw fucking evil that men do. I'm like, what am I thinking? Where's Charles Bronson? I'm going to let these people know. I'm not from the fucking fabulous four or, you know, the wrestling. I came from fucking killers. That's why I came from. Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson and fucking the other fucking James Colburn. Those were my people. These new movies, oh, the rock, I'm not impressed.

I love The Rock. I got nothing against The Rock. I watch all his fucking movies. I watched Jumanji with my daughter. I love The Rock, but I came from a different. I didn't come from The Rock. I came from Charles Bronson with wrinkles and a gun. You know what I'm saying?

was doing steroids that day. They showed up with wrinkles and a fucking gun. Now, that's why I'm from. All right. So, I don't know nothing about the rock or none of these fucking Sabwarfare fucking actors today. I like them. I like them, but they're not the guys I grew up with. I grew up on fucking savages. Bronson, Coburn, McQueen, you know, Clinice Wood, these guys, if you know anything about their personal lives, they were smacking people, guerrilla punching people, fucking Clint Eastwood pissed on a director's grave when the guy died with Steve McQueen Steve McQueen

These guys were from a different cut They're from the cut I come from You know, you're going to treat me like a man I'm going to act like a fucking man And you're going to act like a man These other people, you know These are like Sabwarfare type actors You know, they care about shit

Goge, you can look through you too Charles Bronson didn't care about nobody Guy never did a fucking PSA in his life He didn't care about missing kids He didn't care about hemophiliacs. He didn't give too funny fucks about nobody. These guys do it to make you fucking like them. The guys I grew up and did what they did

and either you liked them or you fucking don't. You know the big difference of my daughter here in California is? This is the difference. And I didn't know this until I observed. And this is what I was looking for. This is the result I was looking for. Like you tell people, you know what, man? I really don't think California.

was made for kids. You'll say like Joey, you've got Disneyland, you got Knott's Berry Farm, you got all these fucking attractions for kids, they're there to entertain kids. They don't teach kids how to entertain themselves. That's what's been missing in society lately. You know, I'm going to talk about this bit in front of you guys.

It's a bit that I'm working on, but it's also the truth. I've been here for two months, and I've been watching these kids in the neighborhood. Great kids. Great kids. Luke Florentine, great kid, his friends, great kids. They're fucking savages, you know, not in my block, but Jimmy Florentine was close to me. His block is called Little Rascals' Block.

Because they got kids from five all the way to like 12. They all play together. They have a little hill. Yesterday, my daughter went on that hill. Dog, she did that fucking school. If she didn't go back and forth on that scooter 20 times, she didn't go back and forth. You know those fucking dudes who walk with that one leg, but they walk slow with that one fucked up, wooden leg.

If my daughter has a wooden leg, that bitch is going to fucking move with it. You should have seen her and the other little girl and those little boys. They push that scooter with that one leg. That one leg's going to be bigger than the other. They don't get up and down. I talked to quarantine last night. I go, what's going on over there? He goes, Luke has passed down.

Fuck, my daughter's still awake, but she told me at dinner time. She's like, Dad, I went up and down that hill 20 times. I saw it. And one time I saw her run up. Kids are taught here how to entertain themselves. And wait till the snow comes out. That was a difference between California. They were there to entertain you.

You had to pay $144 to go to Disneyland and walk three hours in the sun and pay $7 for a water to get entertained. I didn't want to do that anymore. I wanted my daughter to learn how to do that. entertain herself the same way I entertain myself. The point I was getting at, you know, I watched these kids play, and they're great, and I love them. Even the kids on my block, I'm fucking great. They got bikes.

My daughter, like today, my daughter plays on the block today because the other boys do all the shit today. So there's only one girl on Jimmy's block. But today they get serious to guys. They don't want the little girls out. So today she stays in this neighborhood here. What the fuck was I going to tell you? I know I was going to tell you something. But I fucking forgot.

You see what happens when you smoke weed over the ears? Oh. It's just a little bit left, so... Who knows? In an hour, my eyeballs would be fucking purple. What it would a fuck? I don't even know what I was talking about. I was talking about my kids and shit.

Let me drink some water here that remind me. When we went out as kids, like I see my daughter, and she looks at playing and is going out to play. And I'm really happy. We get invited to social distance fucking bar. distance fucking barbecues and all this shit these people are doing it right but there's a difference between the generation now the youngest generations and i spoke to a friend of mine yesterday just a double check and he's going to call me back today because he was like you're not wrong but i don't

see it that way i go over who else would have done these things when kids go out today to play they go out to play when we went out as kids We went out to die. Like, you hugged your mother really fucking good. Like, you know, I know you guys saw that documentary on Action Park. You know, again, I only went up there one time, but they went there for you to die. Like, I don't know how many kids broke necks there and ankles. And it was well fucking hidden.

They didn't give a fuck. And the kids will probably tell you, you know what? I'm not going to sue the place because I had a good time while I was doing it. I went there to die. You know, all you kids said at a 19, I feel suicide. This is because when you were 15, you didn't play to die. When we were out, you know, we threw snowballs out of each other with a rock, and they're frozen. We dip it in water.

That's six fucking stitches right off the fucking back, you know. I didn't know nothing about playing fucking monopoly. You would think I play Monopoly? You would think I play Monopoly? Guys, I'm embarrassed. I play Monopoly before the fucking hotels and I'm bored. That's it. We've got to get out.

We're sitting in a basement playing fucking Monopoly buying hotels. What am I, the guy from Virgin? I don't need this shit flying around. I'm a kid. I want to go out and fucking throw records and rocks of people and get chased by people. I played to fucking die. We threw shit. You never heard my stories. We had Mr. Martinez.

That guy would kill people. I would throw things at him. I would throw things in this fuck. I would light piece of paper on fire and throw them in this fucking basement. Since I'm six, I'm playing to fucking die. I wasn't playing to fucking have a good time. You want to have a good time? Get yourself a fucking peti-ihuahua and a hat with a propeller.

and you know do what you do but i'm not looking for a good time like that i'm looking for a good motherfucking time it's when i get up on stage i don't go up on stage to fucking die and that's what happened last mcindsay my energy just wasn't there i went up there like talking to him like i'm talking to you here this ain't no fucking chit-chat i got to be an animal up on stage i don't go up on stage well something funny happened to me today nothing fucking funny happened we're going at it today. Let me tell you what fucking happened today. And that's what I was missing from my set last week, too. I didn't have that fucking anger. I was too relaxed. I was too, uh, you know, I got to be worked up to go on stage. I got to be angry at something. I got to find something to be

angry at. When I was in the sixth grade, that motherfucker buried borrowed my comb and didn't give it back to me. I got to get pissed about shit like that. You ever get pissed about something that ain't got nothing to do with the price of eggs. That's me. That's why when I drive to a gig, I like peace. This week, the reason why I have a driver is to help people out, like I told on Patreon, and to just be personal with somebody for a night.

These are my nephews. They're young. They've heard things. You know, they don't really get to know me. So I call them up. I say, take me down. I give them a surprise at the end of the night. I didn't really need that.

But it doesn't matter to me. It doesn't matter. matter to me. I just want to make somebody's day. I don't have that much time anymore that you know, because of this fucking COVID, you don't get a chance to make people's day no more. Yeah, I can call, you know, I check them with Dio, I check them with Joe, I check him with the boys. But like I always preach to you guys, you got to make somebody's day. It's tough when you don't see nobody. It makes somebody's day. You could call them and giggle. You know, I've given CBD products to our neighbors around my house. Like I said, I have been the,

perfect neighbor so far because this is in California no more. The people I had his neighbors in California except for Susie and Ron next to me were total fucking pukes other than a puke neighborhood. I had gay Bob up the corner, but nobody liked him because he was fucking gay. You know, you know, in California, they'll live for gay people, but the real crazy gay guy on my block, nobody really liked this. He was a little bit too crazy. You know, what's the either you like gay people, you know, I don't care how they come. That's why when you LGBT people complain about me a crack a joke, you know you're wrong, because I love you, and the crazier you are, the more flamboyant, the more I love you. If I saw a gay guy walking down the street with his

dick out, I would take a picture of that motherfucker to put it on Twitter and laugh my ass off. I love all that shit. The gay people I hate are the uptight gay people that think that they got something over you, they think they're special for being gay. Now, I ain't. got no time for you. The gay friends I have are buck wild. If they get a fucking venereal disease, they just move on. You know what I'm saying? They don't call nobody. They don't send a memo. They're out busting assholes and fucking giving out fucking sandwiches. They don't give a fuck. Anybody read that Rob Halfa book yet? Oh my God. Oh my fucking God. I was talking to Jimmy about one of the chapters where Rob Halford, I guess goes to Chicago every year.

And every year when he lands for the tour, the guy cuts his hair. And the guy kept busting his balls a little bit every year. Like, hey, you know how people sexually come on to you? Like, hey, so when you're going to give me a go? I guess after like a couple years of hearing this shit, Rob Hoffman said, you want me to go home with you? I'll go home with you. He fucked him so hard.

He broke his o-ring. The guy that's sit in the hospital for a week with a busted asshole. That's what I wanted to read. That's what's interesting. That's the shit they never put in people magazine. You understand me? For years, all we ever heard was that Richard Gere put a mouse in his ass and went to fucking...

They've been telling you the same lie for 30 years about Richard Gere, my man. That poor Buddhist, that he put a mouse up his ass. And he had to go to an emergency room in San Francisco and take it out. That's what I've been living on for 20 years. Finally, a new gay guy comes out with a whole new story that he busted somebody's fucking asshole, and he put him in the hospital for a week. That's a fucking story right there.

Not something I like to do, not something I like to mimic. I'm not in business to bust people's assholes. That's not what I meant to. I think I've done anal one time. I didn't like it because she was laying there like tapping out. Like, it's too much drama.

Just stick it in your monkey and let's get this party over with. I got to put Vaseline on my dick or some type of lube and sticking in your ass with a condom and then you're all jiggly, you're squirming. That's not comfortable.

That's not sex. those porno girls i don't know how they put a dick in their ass the guy's banging them and they're smiling and then their asshole stays open for a fucking hour i don't know how they do that shit i don't want to be involved that shit that's never been my game i'm a catholic i don't want to fucking know 50s you know what i'm saying if these fucking priests want to fuck peter that's their business i come from a different side of the fucking catholic uh spectrum it was weird i had to talk with somebody that day and they recommended a book to me and this is the craziest thing i've heard I don't even know who recommended this to me.

But in these days and times, people come up with the weirdest fucking shit. Somebody was talking to me about that there's either a book or an article or something out about the apostles that instead of drinking wine, they were really drinking mushroom juice

and that everything that happened with Jesus, they just saw that trip. Interesting. Interesting. I can see that shit happen because I've eaten some medables. I've been in some situations. I've seen people do some crazy shit from breathing fire to people's eyes spinning out around their fucking head. I've been there. But to fucking be through a mushroom trip or something that experiences seeing a guy get beat up, crucified, put in a hole and then floating away. If that exists, can you please let me have some?

Because that's just too heavy. I could see if you ate a mushroom and saw Jesus get beat up. Then I'm in with you. But now you're telling me that the reason you saw Jesus turned fucking bread into fish and turn water into wine is because you're on mushrooms is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my fucking life. Unless they were on window painting,

acid for a fucking two years. I don't know how that could have fucking existed. I have no fucking idea. But if that's what you want to believe, that's what you want to believe. Like I could say, I could see one day going, yeah, I ate mushrooms and I saw Jesus fly off into the fucking clouds. I could live with that one. But as far as that whole experience, him getting beat up, Mary Magdalene, wiping his face, him being in the cave, getting dragged, you know, getting stabbed, you know, getting stabbed, getting fucking nails put in his hands. That's some fucking serious acid right there. To live through all that,

those are three days alone. I don't know about you guys. You eat three days of fucking hallucinogenicetics just Friday or Saturday and Sunday. You'll be bleeding shit from Monday to fucking Friday. I don't know how they fucking made it to Easter to see how the fuck Jesus came out. I don't even know why we're talking about this conversation.

But this is the shit people talk to me about and I want to bring it to the table. If anybody else has heard about it, Please give me a message if they could simplify this from me because I'm fucking confused. I have to keep it simple. You know, I put up two articles last week just to justify my existence. I put up the Cuban Superman, the Superman of Cuba, and it broke it down for you, people. You know, I wasn't fucking eating an edible and made it up.

You know, the story I told on the cabin with Bert and the other story is the one I talked about on my boy's show the Honeydew podcast. I talked about that guy, you know, I did time with that always showed me naked pictures of his girlfriend, and she was hot, and I'm like, you're working over your head. This is not going to work out for you. And then the pussy was so good, guys. He escaped from jail.

He was in a different jail that I was in. I went to Camp George West. They put him in some medium security jail. And this knucklehead, when this, girl from left him escaped from jail broke out drove for fucking hours stole a car from canyon the city drove up to boulder he went on to a fucking he went to lee hill road or off an offsted of leahill road one of the many roads behind fucking boulder he saw four kids shooting practice target and he went up to him with like a fake fucking badge or whatever he said he said guys this isn't uh land for you to be shooting on you got a

put your guns down on the floor real quick while I inspect you or whatever the kids put the guns down he got it all the guns up he made the kids turn around then he shot him execution style i put that fucking story out there people like that never happened thank god one fucking guy one fucking guy actually came up with the article and i put it up and people like joey what the fuck life have you lived i'm trying to tell you i'm not here fucking around i bumped into the best in the world and I bumped into the worst people on the fucking world. The best and the worst all at once. That was a horrible fucking night in Boulder. My daughter at that time, not mercy, the one that don't talk to me, had to be a year old. So it had to be 91. It was warm out. It was very nice

out. We were selling cars and all of a sudden fucking cops were all over the place. And I remember that they sent us home from Boulder to Toyota. That's why I worked at the place. I was a salesman at Boulder to a guy named Jim Handy, who I still speak to, by the way. And he was the guy that turned me onto goals and doing all that shit. We just spoke about two weeks ago. My heart goes out to Jim Handy.

He's a good man. And I left him over there in Pismore Beach by himself. But I love him to death. I love his kids. But I remember with me, Jim Andy, and the fucking, they kind of closed the dealership. because the guy was on a loose. Nobody knew what the fuck he was.

And then he was spotted at Kmart, which was the same Kmart. I called the cops from him when they were looking for me and bolder. Do you remember that story? When I told you I was in front of Kmart, calling the cops and they were going into Albertsons. I was in front of that Kmart.

That Kmart was across the street from where I lived. So supposedly, after he shot the four kids, he went into the Kmart and bought more ammunition. And then the cops were over there. So there was cops all over my fucking house. Me, I always got a piece, and I wasn't scared of the guy. I knew the guy was crazy. I was a pussy.

He wasn't going to shoot me, but I went home. I got my guns ready, and I think that night I actually had a little bit of powder, and my wife was upstairs sleep, and I went in the back room, even though I was in the halfway house, and I did a couple bumps. I got no reason to lie to you guys. You guys know about my drug crazy path, and the next morning they shot him maybe three quarters of a mile down from the Kmart. There was a little jazz bar that they knocked down way before I left Boulder in 95.

I think that's why they knocked it down because they shot the guy in front of that well-known jazz bar. And they felt like their reputation was ruined or whatever. But yeah, they shot him in the fucking neck. And when they went to surgery that night, the guy that shot the four kids that the cops were looking for, the only, that's what they didn't tell you in that story. the only person that could operate him that was qualified was one of the kids' fathers that he had shot him. So he shot a kid and one of their fathers was a surgeon that could have saved them, and he declined to save him. That's what they didn't tell you in that story, and that's what came the days afterward,

that they were thinking of charging the father because he took an oath and all that shit. So it's pretty interesting shit. So that's why I posted those two hours. articles just so you guys could see that shit the shit about Jesus eating mushrooms you know listen I was really raised Catholic I was really raised to believe and after everything I've been through in my life I do believe there's something out there you know what I'm saying but I don't believe that the apostles ate a fucking mushroom trip for a fucking month and a half while Jesus is doing all these fucking magic tricks and that they saw that under mushroom condition

I'm not going to accept that as a Catholic. That's fucking blasphemy where I come from. And that's it and that's that. I don't know if you guys noticed that the fucking director of the Exorcist retweeted me and Joe Rogan doing a fucking thing on him. And I've never been so happy in my life. His name is William Freakin.

He was the director of the Exorcist and he was the director of the French Connection. This guy was a bad motherfucker. And about two weeks ago, I got a call from a friend of mine, John Salami, that he goes, you're not going to believe it. Fucking William Freaking just retweeted you and Rogan because I was giving Rogan on the airbeat

about what I think was the exorcist. You guys heard the earbeat before about me telling you the exorcist is one of the greatest stories of all time. He fucking retweeted it. And I hit him back with a thank you and they hit me back with a thank you. So my week is fucking good last week. I forgot to tell you that shit, motherfuckers.

What do you think you're dealing with Joey Bananas? your shit. You like the little little fucking sweater with the international line of don't you? Look in the Hanson player. This is an old fucking sweater. My wife could never shrink it. This is when I was like 418 pounds. I just wore it. It's starting to get a little nip in the head. And I'm going to look good for you people. I don't want to be wearing no fucking t-shirts like I'm 20 years old. I'm a 57-year-old grown man for all fucking Christ-sakes. But I don't know what else to talk to you, cock suckers, about. All I know is It's been great.

My two months here. I'm happy I made the move. I'm happy you fuckers supported me. You know, I still get questions. Like last night, one of my dear friends called me. I know this guy since the sixth fucking grade. And this is what he asked me last night. About 11 o'clock.

I'm trying to watch the fucking news or something. I don't know what I was watching last night. Oh, I was trying to watch that. Two nights ago, I was watching that horrible Dallas football game. Oh, my God. the Dallas Cowboys got to get it together. I mean, listen, it's it. I know.

It's a COVID season. But that's America's team. They looked horribly at night. And I just put them on for a minute because one of my friends went to the game in Dallas, and he's a big Dallas fan. So I was going through TV, and I saw that I was playing.

And I'm like, what the fuck is this? And in the middle, right before I could get fucking upset, a friend of mine called me. that I've known since the sixth grade. And he's telling me that, you know, thank you for calling him when I got here, that he's been busy with work, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then he dropped something on me that was just fucking insane.

He asked me, he goes, tell me the truth. I've known you a long time. Why did you really move here? And I go, what are you talking about? I told you, before I even left, I called him, to tell him I was moving back and I'd see him. And he goes, did you leave a warrant? Did you do something?

Did you beat somebody up? And I go, no. Why? Is that what you thought? You know, Herbie has their own thing why I left LA. I left that light just because it was over. I don't have to tell you. I mean, I didn't even, I felt so happy when I didn't repeat this.

You know, like when you have a guy and he goes to a bad relationship with a girl. And then after they break up, he bad-nostic girl. I hit a bad mouth California. California was very good to me. I had a great time in California. I wouldn't stay out there for 23 years. It became something else. And after I came here, I caught myself a couple times talking about California in a negative way. And I'm like, you know what? I'm not going to say that shit no more. If somebody brings it up to me, I got no problem with it. Yeah, I went to the park to watch a football, our basketball game. Jimmy's kid was playing basketball. Somebody said to me at the park, do you see what California's governor is doing now?

And this is what I said to you. For the last four years in California, I don't know what it is. I felt like I've been in a reality show. I really had. The last year and a half of me living in California, I think I was on a reality show. What was coming out of people's mouths, what people were starting to say and what people were thinking. And this includes everybody. I mean, a lot of people would drive me crazy in California.

I don't know where, you know, this fucking non-participation, this participation trophy, that shit started biting us in the ass in L.A. like four years ago, because people were expecting stuff for free, like they'd never done nothing. But all that shit aside, that doesn't bother me. What got me going was the political side of things. You know, July 12th, no school for a year. listen we got to say no school until further notice we're trying to take care of the problem

not just shut down the school for a year personally I don't know Governor Newsom personally I don't know Mayor Garcetti I don't know anybody I really don't I know a guy that worked for Garcetti is an assistant whatever but I don't know anybody up there you know I don't have much knowledge on politics and whatnot I tell you the little secrets I have

but I don't have much. I don't know anything. I don't know anything about Nancy Pelosi. I know that now people are opening up fucking barbers because ever since Nancy Pelosi got a head done with no mask on, people said, fuck you. I'm doing what I need to do with no fucking mask on. So I do know all that shit's going on. But the other day, Newsom, I guess said something. I did not read it. I did not hear it. Thank God, like I said, I'm trying to keep my mind clear and trying to stay a little fucking happy. I just want to be happy. So somebody came up to me at the park and I was like, did you see what fucking newsome was doing now?

Fucking Thanksgiving. Now, I didn't say this. I'm not saying this to you guys. This is somebody told me. And then I asked a friend of mine, he's like, yeah, he made that fucking quote. Thanksgiving, two families could come over for two hours, just two families. So it's your family of three or four, and another family could come over. want you to hopefully get tested. But for two hours only for Thanksgiving,

no singing, laughing, yelling is allowed. You know, this is the kind of shit that you sit there and go, what? This is communism. Two hours, two parties, you know, two families, no singing, yelling, no Halloween. That's communism. You know, listen, give everybody a choice.

Give everybody a fuck. choice. Here in New Jersey, there's kids that go to Mercy School that their parents aren't and let them go to school. I respect that decision. For me, you know, I don't have, if Mercy had two brothers and sisters, I don't know how I feel. Maybe I feel differently. Maybe I just homeschool them, get somebody to come in and have them play all fucking day. Their brother and sister, that's what families do. But since she doesn't have a brother or a sister, and I have no brothers and sisters that have cousins or whatever. It's not like I could just leave her at home all day.

But, you know, even that shit, like, I have an option. I'm sending her to school or I can keep her home. Me, I want to continue her social development. It's very, very crucial to them at this age, that there's social development. You know what? It's crucial to them at every age. You ever go to a daycare and you go to your daycare with your kid is five and he's in there with three.

And the kids of the three are advanced. Because they're around more kids all the time. They're around more kids. They see it. They learn from fucking watching. They imitate. But I got a solo child. I can't, you know, I'm 57.

There's nothing about me that spells kid out, except that I get goofy once in a while. There's nothing about me. I feel bad for her because, yeah, I know how to play with football and all that shit. But like she plays board games and stuff. I don't know. I play no fucking board games. She wants to play like Uno.

I play Uno with her and I play like this game that you have to fucking hit a board and the dice comes up and then you have to move it's sort of like Monopoly, you have to get four pegs. But all that other shit, I don't know what the fuck is going on. So my decision was for her, for her to come back here and have a social life. I didn't want her to get stuck.

And it's really interesting. She still talks to friends in California by FaceTime. And I can tell you something. You could hear those kids in their voice. Like even though I'm fucking deaf, I can hear him when she's in the room, with the kids. Sometimes I go to the bathroom, I got to go back to the other shirt or something like that, and I could hear how out of control these kids are. These kids were all great kids,

but for the last six, three or four months, there's been no consistency in their lives. If my daughter was home right now in California, we would be home all the fucking day on the Zoom and on Saturday we might have a fucking play day. That's going to set her back years. So that was it. That was fucking it. And I wanted to be happier. I just didn't see myself being that much happier in L.A. You know, I was stuck.

I was in a rut. You know, my comedy was in a, everything I thought was in a rut. So now I'm out of the rut. I'm out of the fucking quicksand. And I'm on to the last chapter of my fucking life. I mean, I'm 57. What do I expect to do?

Travel till I'm fucking Mick Jagger. I hope knock on wood for all of us that I'm around and I can still sling some fucking dick while I'm 75, but let's see what happens. For now, we're doing fucking Vinnie's. We got the podcast. We got social media. You're trying to put the pieces together.

So am I, so we can relate to each other. So let's start with that. That's Uncle Joey's joint for the week. That's it for Wednesday, October 21st. I want you to fucking check out our sponsors, whether it's Manscape, whether it's movement, watches, whether it's CBD line, and that's it and that's that.

We'll be back next Monday morning, ready to rip your fucking hearts out, and who knows what we'll add by then. But we always got something for you. Have a great week. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart, and thank you very much for support me on YouTube, Patreon, Twitter, Facebook, whatever you do, and the merch is coming. But you got to give me a breathe. All right, motherfuckers, stay black.

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with the gunmetal gray band. It's going to fucking knock you out. When I get them, I should be getting them today or tomorrow. So do me a favor. Go to mbmpt.com slash Joey and join the movement. The joint is also brought to you by CBD Lion. Listen to me. Go to CBDLion.com.

Look at that third-party lab results. Read about CBD, CBN, and all the advantages it has to you. Nobody on the cornerstone. stores and I have this type of knowledge. It's all in front of your fingertips. I know you got the internet. So go to CBDLion.com. From the gummies, the bathball, the tincture, the Rolon, the CBD cream.

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All right, no drama, no nonsense, no bullshit. That's CBDLion.com slash Joey. Now, do me a favor. I want to thank CBDLine. I want to thank Movement Watchers, MBMT, and I also want to thank Metscape for sponsoring us today. I want to thank you Coxuck Suckers for listening to the show, for supporting on Patreon, and for doing what you do.

Have a great fucking weekend. Stay black. And fucking don't go to no COVID-in situations. All right. There you go. One shot, Louis. I love your cocksuppers.