The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #007 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... This episode is bought to you by DraftKings & Onnit!  Go to www.draftkings.com and enter CODE: JOEY Go to www.onnit.com and enter CODE: CHURCH And don't forget.... The Mind of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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Hey, look who it is. What's happening? Greetings to Uncle Joey's joint. It's a beautiful Monday, October the 25th. Who's fucking better than you? Nobody. Let's get to it. We got a lot to talk about today.

I want to analyze something with you guys, just so you see what the fuck happens in life from time to time. I know most of you guys watch the Justin G. Kabib Nome Nemegov, whatever his fucking name is, the fight, you know. It was a great line. If you took Gagie at 285, you weren't wrong. I mean, I'm not mad at you. We got to talk about this.

I know a lot of you maybe don't watch the UFC, but I want to go over the situation because it applies to life, you know. Gagie just came off one of the biggest wins in UFC history. He pretty much took apart Tony Ferguson. You don't know what Thornt Ferguson is. He's a Mexican kid. Heart of a fucking tiger. Works out of 10th planet Jiu-Jitsu.

Makes his own gyms. Does his own training camps. Cardio specialist. I mean, Justin Gagey went in there and made him look like a fucking child a few months ago. You know, maybe a year ago. Who the fuck knows? With this pandemic, my memory is fucking Ugats, you know. Last night, he's supposed to fight Khabib, who had.

He hasn't fought a while. He beat Dustin Portier. Fucking just unbelievable. Anybody he's gone through, except for maybe Al-I-Qaeda went to game a long fight. It was a last-qual fight, but that's not the point I'm getting to.

You know, his last performance was sensational also, Khabib. So you're looking at this kid, he's 28-0. He lost his father. Nobody knew how he was going to react. going to react and he went in there and just you know went through gaugie again i have no ill-will i'm not bad-mouthed uh justin at all justin's a great fighter uh nine bonuses and seven fights young kids still has the world by the balls nothing you know not he lost nothing by the loss last night if anything he learned something about himself which is what i'm trying to get to here

It's really weird how when you look at things, okay, when you look at things, when you're trying to come up in your life, you look at things and they appear bigger than what they are. You only can make them smaller to get yourself into context. Are you with me? Are you following me on this sometimes? It's a big picture. You know, your mind controls everything in a situation like that. if you watched that fight last night, that wasn't even close to the Justin Gagee that we've seen fight before. We've seen like maybe two punches. He threw like two or three good combinations, but that wasn't the Justin Gajee.

We've seen before at the end, the triangle, the way it went down. I mean, I'm not taking away nothing from Khabib. I just want you to understand what I'm talking about that. Justin went in there, and he made Khabi, bigger than what he was. Sometimes in life we do that, you know.

If I would have listened to the people I went on the road with when I was doing the triple runs early on in 95 and 96, I wouldn't be here because they were all very negative about L.A. They were painting a picture for me of L.A. of a place that you did not get spots. You were not going to get up on stage. Nobody was going to talk to you. The comics were going to have.

I mean, there was every negative in the world when I looked at moving to LA, which I wasn't really in it to move to LA. I got in it just to do calmly, just to try to be normal. I accepted my fate. I was a loser. I like doing drugs. I like cracking jokes. I like waking up in different hotels.

And that was it. I just didn't want to live the normal life. So I made a decision on my own. Nobody made it for me to fucking go into this. style of living. Did I enjoy it? Yes, I did while I was doing it. Could I continue it forever? No, I couldn't. But what we're discussing here is the picture that I was a young, not really, I was in young at all. I was 32, 33 years old. I was already long, too long in the tooth to be fucking featuring. But the people I was featuring for, those headliners were all very bitter.

And they were my age right now. They were 55, 50 to 55, 48 to 55. And I got to I tell you something, man. I didn't, I met one positive, two positive headliners in that time. When I was the broker, I got the honor to meet Doug Stanhope, who didn't give a fuck. The Sabwa Fair, Attack, a Comedy is something that nobody ever saw before. And there was this other guy I met that was a kind of, he wasn't the best comedian in the world. He mixed magic with comedy and music. But he gave you a show. He was an entertainer. And I remember that I offered him my place to spend the night, and we woke up the next morning, got coffee.

And he showed me the ins and outs of comedy, and he kind of let me know that I could do whatever the fuck I wanted to do. So it's how you see those things, how you approach those things. I'm going to tell you who had the same problem, Gagey had, you know, going into that. You're looking at them. When I first shot my special years ago, you know, whatever, socially unacceptable, we did two shows. The first show I went out there and basically at a bag of dicks because I let the special overtake me. Then I went back inside and looked at the special from a different perspective. And I went out there and did the best job I could do. The

producers of that show today say that my material sucked. Whatever. I don't really give a fuck. But I didn't feel that I performed up to my potential on those specials. When I did the Netflix special, it was the same thing. I got there and I didn't feel like I performed up to my abilities. I'll tell you what, when I'm at the comedy store or any other club, you can't fucking stop me. I'm a fucking wild man in heat. But when I know that there's a camera in the back and I'm trying to tighten up,

I'm trying to beat John Mullaney, somebody who I'm not. that's when it gets fucking crazy, you know. And sometimes we get those big situations and never going to happen again, and we blow them, and sometimes we rise to the occasion. When you pay 25 to 30 bucks to come see me on an outly basis,

I rise to the fucking occasion, okay? I go fucking nuts. But when you're shooting a special, you're getting all this information thrown at you. And if you can't survive those, that's just, hey, listen, I do voiceovers, I do movies, I do TV shows.

I do animation. I did soap operas. There's not much Uncle Joey can't do. But I gave you two mediocre specials. On the one fucking album, this is me or the priest, it's a great album because I had no idea I was being taped.

And I didn't give a fuck. See, when I give a fuck, that's when I do my best work. And last night, Justin Gagie was giving a fuck. He shouldn't have gave a fuck. should have gone in there more relaxed like he did against Tony Ferguson, but that's hindsight is 2020. Okay, you're looking at that now this morning, and you have to imagine how Gagey feels two days

later that he didn't stick to his original game plan or whatever the fuck it was. Because, I mean, Khabib took him down with 30 seconds left in the first round, and then he took him down with four minutes left in the second round, and you already knew what direction he was going once the bebe deflate your ego you lost the fucking fight you know you're going to spend the rest of the time on your back again no no not disrespecting you just engagee what uh could be but all i'm just looking at the situation and you ask yourself what happened how can i thought it was going to be a five round smack intact with teeth flying hairdoos going the wigs going. I thought this is going to be a bond burner of fight, you know, and so that everybody

else, uh, I ended up going to my daughter's Halloween party. It ended perfectly at 4.51. So I ended up going to my daughter's Halloween party at the karate school. So I didn't lose out on nothing. I had a great fucking time. But I'm just saying that when you look at those situations, don't look at Gage and say, oh, Gage, he just gave up. No, he was overwhelmed. Sometimes in life, It's okay to be overwhelmed. It's okay, man. It happens. You go to take that final and, you know, you go in there and you ever overstudy?

Have you ever overstudied? Do you remember overstudying like when you fucking do too much studying and then you would actually get to the test and fucking you went blank? And you said, what the fuck is this? How could this happen? I've been studying for 18 fucking days in a row. Me and the Korean kid, we've been laying it down. I've been smelling this.

fucking kimchi for fucking 10 days and I still got a fucking D how the fuck does this happen? That's the worst when you actually prepare for something and you fucking get a D or something and you're like what the fuck happened? That's just a preparation for life guys.

That's a preparation for life. Those papers that they throw out here and they just fuck your world up. You wanted to stay home with me and me last night and watch mom on fucking Paramount and you got stoned instead of fucking studying and you fucking happen. It happens. It happens. It happens. And you go in and they throw a complete left current on you.

That's what college is for. Okay. So next time you're in college and you're like, this professor sucks. I hate them. Maybe if Gagie and Joey Diaz had them, they would have done a lot better in life because you find out what a surprise attack is. When I got into comedy, I'd never really been overwhelmed like that before. Their situations in comedy that overwhelm. Yeah, you get overwhelmed. You go to court in front of a judge. That type of shit overwhelms every. going to prison. But Jesus Christ, bombing in Utah, you can't figure it out, especially when you've been writing for three days, all your best Utah jokes. I don't even know any jokes about Utah, but I'm just fucking saying that this is, it's the same thing. Being prepared

mentally is just as being prepared. Like, you can study all you want, you can put as much time into it. But if you're not prepared mentally for the fucking shock they're going to give you. I love it. I love what it happens to me. Like a couple weeks ago, I was bitching that you guys and I ate a bag of dicks. Trust me, I was a little upset on the upper thermos of my skins, but deep, deep down inside of my soul, I was kind of happy because it's good to get a set back from time to time. You got to take a little beaten from time to time to move forward, and it doesn't have to be physically. Nobody's going to touch you physically. You are your mental. You have to say, what the fuck is going on? It's like, what's going on with the pandemic and made a lot of people rethink their fucking situation.

A lot of people are, we're not going to that way. You know, some people try to, listen to me, there's some people in New York trying to try to throw a 10,000 people wedding in New York. Like, when I get invited to a wedding, that 10,000 people are going to go there, I just rip up the invitation. I'm not going to go mingle with 10,000 people at your shitty fucking wedding just because you're going to release dubs into the fucking air. That's not what I want to do.

But there's people that during COVID right now, with the numbers going up, they want to have a wedding with 10,000 fucking people. What do you want me to do? What would you do? And they don't want you to wear a mask. What would you do? I mean, people are fucking crazy right now. There's no way to look at it.

But I even lost my mind. Nobody could prepare for this pandemic. Nobody prepared for this. But once you saw what it was, was you accepted it you made your points on how you were going to act and how you weren't going to act through it like this is not going to scare me i'm still going to go fucking jump into a room i'm going to go into a back room of a chinese restaurant and make sure they're off from honan and fucking get their zip codes you know if that's what you want to do go do it i i you know you

have to look at this however you want to do it i prepare myself in co-video situations and in situations You know, you're white outside, you're wide open, your social distance, you wash your hands, and you don't scratch your dick, so you don't, you don't want your dick to get COVID. The little fucking p-hole gets all shrunk up. It looks like a fucked up eye. Looks like my eyes. If you've noticed, my eyes aren't matching no more. One's going downwards, one going up with it. It's like you got a car accident with your car, and the fucking headlight looks down from now on it. You can't fix it. It happens. This is what's going on during time. You get old. You know what I'm saying? But, yeah. Sometimes life situations get a little too big for you. They're too hard to comprehend.

Doesn't mean you're weak. Doesn't mean you need a psychiatrist. Doesn't mean you need to join Scientology. Doesn't need you need to join NXM and get fucked by some cult leader. You don't need anything. You just need to step back, analyze the situation. Sometimes a joint helps, but sometimes you just got to have a long talk with yourself. and say to yourself, what the fuck happened?

I guarantee Gage is going to come back stronger than ever. He's a young kid. He's going to come back stronger than ever. The question is, you know, how did Khabib just go in there and do that like that with a fucking vertical triangle on the second round? I mean, it's just little things. And again, congratulations to Kabe. I want to congratulate how he walked off into the sunlight as a champion.

He walked out of there. can crawl out on his fucking knees. There's guys that should have disappeared years ago. Kabeb went out the right way. Nobody needs to tell you when to fucking leave. You need to do it on your own. You know, he had a great relationship with his father. He has a great relationship with Harvey Mendez, you know,

and he did the right thing. I mean, let's face it, he cleaned out the whole fucking division. You're going to see all the tough guys raised. in their hands now. Look at us. We're ready to go. Bring him back. Kabid don't need to prove himself to nobody. He did everything he already had to do in a fashion that was fucking tremendous. So congratulations to him. Congratulations to Justin. This doesn't mean anything. You will be the world champion one day. And this is how you learn from different fucking things. You know, what makes you tick. You have to figure out what makes you tick. You know,

I went to my daughter's kickboxing class yesterday, 10 in the morning. Why? Because that's what parents do. Usually I'd be waking up in a hotel, going downstairs to get the free fucking breakfast and going back to my room. But thanks for COVID, I've been able to take a breather from that and been able to enjoy life. You guys want more stories? I got to go get them.

I got to go get them. Before I can go on a stand-up tour, I got to go live through this pandemic life so we have something to talk about. So I went to my daughter's kickboxing class yesterday morning. I'm sitting there. I'm thinking to myself, does my daughter even late doing this shit? You know, a couple weeks ago,

we went to Jimmy Florentine's son's game, and there was a bunch of girls playing, and I asked, I go, you want me to sign you up in the league? Again, I'm not Pistol Pete's father. I'm not a communist dad. I don't want you to do nothing you don't want to do. I just want you to do what makes you happy as a child. This is what they did with me,

and this is why I ended up the way I did. I'm doing it with mercy under a little bit more control and a controlling matter. Like, hey, listen, if you don't want to do it, that's fine, but you got to figure out something out to do. And that's what I got into martial arts and so what and so, you know, whatever. But after the class, you know, we have a deal in the house. If she does her martial arts class on that day, she could play with a switch. Whatever the fuck that is, it's like some... She gets Minecraft on there, but she doesn't go into it.

the evil part of Minecraft, because she has nightmares. She keeps it all sunny and shit like that. I guess I don't even know what Minecraft is, guys. I watched to play the game to make sure there's no fucking people on there jerking off it and each other with their dicks on their head. I don't need that shit on my daughter's computer when she's at school with the Zoom, which no more, it's four days a week now. Only Zoom on one day.

Take your Zoom, Malukia, and shove it up your fucking muffler. I don't like your fucking Zoom. Anyway, I'm doing a Zoom tomorrow with my man, Yanis Pappas and the fucking hyenas and shit. So I'm excited to be with those motherfuckers. But I was looking at Mercy and I was saying to myself, you know, we have this deal where if she, you know, does this, she gets a stick. And no, she's not in the door 10 minutes. and she's like that where's the stick

and my daughter my wife gives her the stick and then we have mits in the back and my wife takes her out there one day a week just to do the mitts and stuff and if she does the mits then she gets the fucking stick you know but

I've sat with her you know a couple times and said look I don't want you to do this because you're making me happy I'm happy just having you You're just, you being a nice, sweet little girl. But whatever you don't want to do, just tell me.

And we'll fucking get our money back and we'll move on to something else. I know that, you know, that's why people are like, well, you should get a swing in the backyard. For what? They jump on the swing for two days. And the swing sits there like a fucking antique. And I'm the one down a G-note for a swing in a house that gets filled with the fighters. And then she's got a swing at the fucking park.

And every kid's house, she goes to the neighbor that has a swing. Why don't you get a pool in the back yard? Again, I'm going to get in the bubble around pool like a fucking Puerto Rican on the third. You know, you're swimming it two or three times. And then they go to the municipal pool, which is fucking everybody joins in the summer. And your pool sits there like a fucking spirit. So, you know, I'm going to build a clubhouse in the back. I got my man Dominic Lombardozy, who played Fat Tony Salerno,

one of the best young actors out there, great man, always active on Twitter, supports fucking comedians. He built a fucking fort during the pandemic. I guess he had a company to come in and built a fort. It's fucking beautiful. If you talk to Dominic Lombardoz on Twitter, hit him up, say, put a picture up for the fort. And that's what I'm going to do, because nobody on the fucking block got a fort for their fucking kid. I might as well put a fort up there. And I could hide a couple of things myself in there. You know what I'm saying? Like I was back in prison.

Remember I used to hire everything in the fucking shit. You got to listen to the stories, cossackers. Anyway, but it was really weird because I was looking at my daughter, and I do not want her to feel like she has to go to college because of us. I don't want her to have those feelings. I want her to do what she does. And thank God, she's a natural student. Thank God.

She loves school. She runs to that bus guys. Knock on wood. I mean, I got it all covered there. Thank God. She gets out from the mother's side and from my side. I enjoyed school. To me, it was a fucking social activity,

so I didn't mind going to school. But at the end of that pattern, that night I must have thought about it a little more. I must have written about it. I thought about my life. And I thought about all the things I've done. And everything I've done in a way has been for people.

And if you think I gave a fuck about my life growing up, I didn't. As far as I was concerned by the age of 25 or 26 once I got in a prison, I was pretty much damaged goods. I really thought that about myself.

Okay? I tried everything, you know? But again, you can't put a silk hat on a pig. I tried making my confidence. I tried going to the Roper Institute and learning Buddhism. I tried bettering myself from all these things. But that wasn't the answer I was looking for. I was looking for a better answer. You know what, man?

As much as you people may think, as much as you, we laugh about and everything, yes, I was a criminal. But when I got locked up and I came out, that was one thing. Some people have a bucket. list. I have a bucket list. I want to jump off a cliff with 10 dicks as parish shoes. That's great. I don't know. I ain't got a bucket list of what I want to do and what I want to fucking conquer.

And that's what I need to do. So the first thing on that list became not going back to prison. Okay, that was that was predisposed right from the fucking start. I was not going back to prison. There was nothing I could do if I went back to prison. So what I did to fucking combat that was I still did little crimes, misdemeanors type crimes. Crimes I could talk myself out of, times that I would end up with probation. You know, I would do crimes that would, you know, not really affect the status quo of things. I wasn't using weapons anymore. You weren't going to catch me fucking selling a drug, even though.

I did sell drugs from time to time, but it wasn't like, you know, some guy was calling me saying, can you get two hours just for a friend? That's how they get you. You don't know nothing. If it's somebody I know, and he's my Gumbah, you know, I was pushing drugs that way. But I tried to, every day when I got out of prison, I tried to take that bad taste out of my mouth. I'm not going to lie to you, it's a bad taste. We goof around it and we make fun of it, but it's a known fact that in 1980s. I got sentenced and that's just the way life is.

I made a mistake and I corrected myself. I tried to take something that didn't belong to me and that's cool. Whatever. I did my time. I knew one thing. I didn't want to be like those people. I wasn't going to end up no 50 year old tattooed fat dude with fucking tattoos of every prison I went to.

That wasn't going to happen. There was a lot more to life than going to prison, my friend. so fucking a river dirty. That's not happening. You know, when I was trying to get my life together, I used people. I used the people around me as my inspiration. You know, here I was an ex-con.

I'm selling fucking cars. I have a little thought about stand-up comedy and this guy at fucking. in the super tutorial at the Subaru store Jemandy who I'll never forget says to me this is something you got to pursue you know he had two boys of his own he had no reason to give a fuck about me but for some reason he did at that time I didn't want anybody to give the fuck I didn't want anybody to give a fuck about me but people did people saw something in me that maybe I didn't see so he kept bugging me about getting into stand-up kind of

comedy. And in a way, I just went down to do it. I just went down to do it because he would always talk about goals and what you had to do to, you know, beat your goals and stuff like that. I just did comedy as a fucking whim to please him and to lie to myself. I thought if, when I first got into comedy, I thought it was lying to myself. Like, you know, like an Amway salesman, like they become an Amway sales and they're like, ah, my God, I'm going to make a million dollars. But in the back of that mind, who the fuck are you going to sell all that toilet paper to you know what I'm saying? You ain't sell all that toilet paper and all that soap. So knock it off.

Then you've got to find pyramids. That's how I thought comedy was. But I was wrong. Comedy was a real thing. And it was a thing of fucking beauty, you know? And I loved it. I love fucking doing what I had to do. But then I started looking at comedy from a different perspective.

I started looking at comedy as like. Well, I'm going to use it like Lenny Bruce. I'm going to use it as a vehicle to get high, to talk shit, party, because nothing's ever really going to happen. I mean, one of my chances of getting an evening at the improv. What are my chances are getting HBO? What are my chances of any of those things? I don't know any of those people.

So I'm never going to get those opportunities. So I was already prepared to live the life of Lenny fucking Bruce and just travel, getting a car with two comics. make whatever they want to pay. They want to pay you $150, you take $150 and you make it work. But at least you're doing what you want. I wasn't doing what people told me to do. I wasn't doing what my mother wanted me to do.

I was doing what was making me fucking happy. And that's a big difference. Happy is how many of you motherfuckers are lawyers, doctors, dentists, IT people because you wanted to please your parents. Think about that. And I am not mad at you. Because where I'm going with this is going to, you know, I'm not mad at you. But at the same time, I want you to please yourself.

I want you to go, Jesus Christ, I got to sit here for eight hours and then the information or whatever I'm doing the computer is this what brings me fucking happiness. Do I look forward into going into fucking work? Well, if that's not your answer, maybe you're doing the wrong thing, but that's a complete different other fucking story. You know, when I did comedy, I didn't do comedy to be fucking Richard Pryor. I did comedy just to keep the shit moving, just to keep lying to myself.

Like I've always had. I've been lying to myself for years. Oh, yeah, whatever. Tomorrow come. This weekend I'll make $300 and pay the page a bill. Whatever the fuck you were going for. Then something happened. It became real.

Like it became something that, hmm, I may have a fucking chance at this. And then I got a little off of fucking, you know, CBS to do a part. And now I am in LA. Hmm, this is fucking weird. I'm a compact. I'm a felon. This shit is supposed to fucking happen.

And then little by little, I got a Taco Bell commercial. And then I got led into the fucking comedy store. I hope you enjoyed the fucking comedy documentary this week. It was fucking good at the Comedy Store. It's going to get better. Last week is the last week. So if you don't have showtime, get it right now.

Then I got into the Comedy Store. And then I started, you know, making little ways. maybe this was my calling. And then I remember coming home like in 98 or something, 99, and doing like rascals. And having like 40 of my friends come out that were my friends when I was robbing people. They weren't my friends for comedy.

They were my friends way before the comedy thing even happened. We were drug friends or we bought drugs together. We did something. Some of them didn't do drugs. They just believed in me a certain way. And I'm never being rascals on stage and seeing that audience and seeing those people and going, now I'm fucked.

Now I have to keep pushing with this. Because if not, these 18 people are going to ask me what the fuck happened to my comedy career. Like, why did you quit? Like, you know, comedy was something that I was going to quit whenever I got arrested, you know, I knew eventually I'd get arrested fucking drugs in the hotel room or something like that, but that wasn't happening. I was blossoming, so I started working a little harder.

And, you know, I still wasn't getting nowhere, but I was at the store. And then something happened to me that really, you know, when people look at your de events in your life, somebody said to me on Patreon the other day, I'm not looking to get laid. I'm looking for somebody to get older with. In my world, I wasn't looking to get old with anybody. My idol is fucking Charles Bronson. In all the Charles Bronson movies, he just drips off into the sunset after he kills everybody.

That was all I wanted to do. After they were all dead, he just walks down the road of fucking Pat, and he goes back to his shitty apartment on 1313, Mocking Bird Lane. I don't fucking know what the fuck the guy lives. I'm just saying to you, that was, and that was my motto in life. But then, boom, I met a girl, and she was more than a girl. You know, she didn't give a fuck that I was broke. She didn't give a fuck about my addictions.

You know, she gave a fuck that I hadn't paid my taxes in seven years. She gave a fuck that how can you live your life without a driver's license? You don't have a driver's license? What the fuck is wrong with you? She's like, when you pay child support, you don't keep the fucking receipts? Like, she just changed my life, you know? So I had to start adjusting to this. girl and that's everything I didn't want. Once you get married and you get divorced and you get

taken divorce, you look at marriage like, fuck you. I'll date you for 22 years, but I'm not going to marry nobody again. I started looking out and going to go, what am I going to do about this fucking girl? What the fuck am I going to do about it? But guess what? Again, I get hit up on this. I got, oh, you don't meet the guys. I answer emails. I read. I read your emails. I probably got six parents, maybe 10 people I'm actually talking to, that their kids have opiate problems and drug problems. And I don't know what to say to them.

I really don't. They hit me up and my kid, what did you do? And after thinking about it, again, you don't do anything for anybody. You do things because you want to do them. But when it came to quitting coke and quitting drugs, I didn't want to do it. I didn't have drugs. Quitting drugs was not in my plan. A, I wouldn't be funny anymore.

That's what my psyche thought. And B, I just didn't find a reason to stop doing drugs. But then little by little, like in 2002, at the hours of Terry for two years, I actually went to like LA city run rehab. I had to go into like a fucking alias name. You know, they didn't ask for ID. And I went there maybe for four days.

And I didn't last. I just ran the fuck out of there. And I was like, that's it. I'm defeated. And I watched a movie Ray, you know. And I saw how he got hired though he was in his fucking 60s. And that didn't seem cool to me. That just didn't seem cool to me.

That just didn't seem cool to me. It didn't seem like it was an option for me to tackle. I didn't want to fucking be high until I was 66. That's what I want. I have $18 in my bank account every day. And, you know, every day I live for $60, $20 for a bag of fucking weed, and 40 for a bag of Coke and maybe another 10 for Chinese food. That was all I was getting out of life.

That was all I wanted. That they had to end. People around me were blossomed. with comedy. Yeah, I was booking movies. I was booking taxi. I was booking Spider-Man 2. I was booking Longest Yard. I was booking TV shows. But I wasn't even living up to my fucking full potential. Not even living. Can you imagine? Walking into a room and booking the longest yard and you're really running on 30% batteries? Are you kidding me? You know what happened? If I would have been running on 100% I would have fucking destroyed that fucking movie.

Thank God I was on 30% fucking batteries. I didn't know who or what the fuck I was. All I cared about was where the next line was coming from. And to my defense on that movie, the first six weeks of that movie, I didn't start coke and we were in New Mexico. I think I fell off the wagon one night. But besides that, I wasn't coke addicted. Like, listen, doing Coke and having it in your bloodstream for three or four fucking days in a row

affects your fucking mind and it affects your decisions and what you're going to do. the middle of all this shit one day I woke up at 445 I woke up at like 3 30 because I had to be a torrents at 445 and I saw that my wife had laid out my football uniform for me like she actually got up when I was in the shower and laid it out for me and put it in a bag and I'm like this is more than a girlfriend and this is more than a friend that I have here. I have to figure something out here. Some people have girlfriends, some people have friends. I had the opportunity to have it combined.

She had become my best friend and she had become somebody who I was in love with. And I knew that Jesus Christ, like, you could go to 12 rehabs. You could talk to wisdom counselors. You could have exorcisms done to you. When you don't want to stop doing drugs, you're not going to stop doing drugs. You have to stop really, really, really, really, really in your heart to stop doing that shit.

Look, and if I look at what I've done, listen, when I, February 19, 1997, I decided after 10 fucking years, of karate. I wasn't going again and I never went back and that was the end of that. You know, I've done things in my life that have been so fucking positive, yet they've become so negative. But at the end of it, when you look at it, it's positive because I broke clean from it. You know, I was telling Mike, you know, I used to do Joey karate videos. We were doing one a week. Then we got greedy.

We were doing two a week. Then it became the law diminishing returns. We started doing three a week, and the numbers went down. And I knew right away to pull the plug. The guy I was doing them with, a still dear friend of mine, was like, nah, it's okay to have for a few bad weeks. No, it's not. It's time to pull the plug on Joey Karate,

and I never did Joey Karate again. I would do things in my life that when I said were not going to happen again, they never happened again. That's it. From being, the other day, I had some Friday night. I went out to dinner. We went to a pizza joint, me, Mercy, my wife, Lisa, and the boyfriend, Eddie, and I grew up with Eddie, and we were talking about clubs that people used to go to. And there was this club in Fairview called Contestants in Ridgefield Park or something. Never won in it. My pride till this day is that I never walked in it. I didn't give a fuck. Who was going down there?

I didn't give a fuck what drugs they had. I had to make it a point not to go down there to fuck with people. Because when I tell you that I'm sticking to something, I'm sticking to something. When I tell you I'm going to do something, I'm going to do something. So I came back one day, when I woke up one morning from being all fucked up, I looked at Terry. And I was like, you know what, man? I don't know much about life.

But I know that this chick, if I keep up at this point, my cocaine. use was I was doing probably I was averaging a gram a night but usually throwing down two. I would do the early gram and then the 2 a.m. gram and that was towards the end and that was if I was home. If I was on the road it was all men for himself, every man for myself. I was tipping the scales at 400 and I knew was just a matter of time. So I had to pick something or somebody to fucking dedicate

my life to because I didn't, I wasn't doing it for me. That's a scary thing, that you're never doing it for you. Pick somebody. Pick a mother, a father, a sister, a brother. Somebody who's had your back constantly.

And you fucked them. You spit in their face by using. And for me, it was Terry. For me, I took the person closest to me. And there was also a little bit of Rogan in there. It was Rogan. It was a lot of Terry, a little bit of Rogan, a little bit of all my friends. Because where this was going, I had to have my friends involved in on this.

But the first thing I picked was Terry. I go, I don't want Terry picking me up off the fucking floor. The last thing I want is that poor girl to wake up. She goes to piss. she brushes the teeth and as she's going to make coffee to feed the cats, she sees my fat legs laying on the fucking kitchen floor. That's not going to work. That's not going to fucking help.

That's not going to help her. You know what? There's people like me, I'm cut out to find you on the floor. I'll hold you, I'll kiss you, I'll dial 9-1-1 and I can move the fuck on. But there's some people who really can't find you on the floor. And she would have been one of them. She would have been 30-something years old finding a man on the floor that was 44, 45. And that would have affected her future relationships.

That would have affected her life because she's not from that cut. So I knew this was going to end. When the cat got sick, the story is on Wikipedia that a cat ate my Coke. Who writes these things? Where do you get your information from? Bro, I used to hide the Coke so much. I had a hard time finding it. If I couldn't find my coke, how the fuck were the cat's gonna fucking find it?

I was doing coke one night. And my wife called me to tell me that she had to bring two cats upstairs that they were at that's door. And I came up and I went in the bathroom and actually one of them I really liked them outside. But the one of them I wasn't too crazy about. His name was super bad. And I looked at them both and I did my line of coke in the house,

which was a rule that I would adhere to. no coke in the house. For some reason that night, I didn't want to go back downstairs. The cats, this, that, something maybe do coke in the bathroom with those two cats in there. And the next morning,

one of the cats died, and I feel terrible. So the cat I didn't like lived. I ended up taking him in. I swore that I wouldn't do coke out of respect for that cat. And here we are, about to go into 13 motherfucking years.

of no coke. Ah, all that, but Joey, you do edibles and then, and then whatever, you do Xanax and listen, I do Kalanabon, big fucking difference, and I'll take you upstairs, they're all left. I got to go back to the doctor, November 4th. The doctor even told me, because I can't believe you have something left. I go, you know what? After a while, I had to kick them in New Jersey. I had to go straight.

Once I started doing the podcast and getting back into my flow of things, everything went away, all the anxiety went away. A little anxiety I have dragging in me, I just work at things out. I just do a workout now. If I feel anxiety coming in on me in the morning, I skip everything. I get on a bicycle and I do my little 30-minute fucking jaunt around the neighborhood. I see fucking flying squirrels. I see raccoons.

I see everything. I get, but that's what you do. Yeah, I don't sit still. I hit my book and the whole thing. So part of my quitting cocaine was not going to an AA, It was not going to a psychiatrist. It was not going to a voodoo doctor. It was none of the above.

There was no magic drink. There was no magic nothing. What happened was I put myself out there for somebody, A, and two, I found the root of the cause, and I moved on from it. For me, it was four different pains combined into one. My dad's loss, my mother's loss. my mother's loss, me losing my daughter in the fucking divorce,

and just me being all around the fucking loser, I had these four pains. Once I got through them and processed them, there was nothing I could do about my daughter. I couldn't bring my wife back. My dad, I'm not Houdini, and I can't do over the things that I did. I couldn't do that.

They're done already, and they're going to be done. But what I could do, is be better than what I was yesterday. And that's where my friends came in. I took lubs. I took Devo. I took the doctor. I took gear.

I took all the friends. The people who fucking all those years put up with the brunt of bullshit from people. And this included Rogan also. I took all those people. And I did one thing. I went out of my way to make them proud of me

from my friend George to grandma. I never wanted them to hear a negative fucking thing about me again. Whatever negative thoughts they had about me 20 years ago, 30 years ago, was left 30 fucking years ago. Today, I'm a different fucking dude. And today, I've gained their respect and their love because I turned myself around not to be on the cover of some magazine, not I turned myself around for them to prove to them that their love towards me and what they did for me was not in vain.

It was not going to go unnoticed. When I got the longest shot, I brought them to the premiere, including my teachers. When I got grudge match, I brought them to the premiere. I don't know how many people I'm going to be allowed to bring to the soprano premiere, but I'm going to try my best to anybody I let down, like my friends. that I bring them. It's a movie, but guess what? It's not a bad movie. It's better than you bailing me out of fucking jail.

It's better than you fucking getting attacked by somebody. Where's Coco? He fucking robbed my house. Those days are long gone. They were long gone 20 fucking years ago. So if you're looking for that person, you got the wrong person. We change every seven years.

And this fucking pandemic has changed us in eight months. It's changed the way that we've thought. And some of us have gotten stronger. Some of us have gotten weaker. But, you know, the pandemic is here. We're gonna have to live through it

and we make the best that we can. Take your vitamin D, take your fucking zinc, avoid all fucking stupid situations and try your best to stay healthy. Get your sleep, drink your water, gargle with listerine. If you eat some badass, gargle with listerine, If you suck a bad dick, gargle with listerine.

You don't want to go in. Gargle, 30 seconds. It's got to hit your throat and take all those germs out of that. And that's it. But don't ever not say you're not doing anything for anybody. Because at the end, we're doing it for somebody. If it's addiction, pick somebody in your family. Somebody who was giving you $10.

When they knew they shouldn't have given you $10. When they enabled you maybe, pick them. And go, just for you and, enabling me, I'm going to prove to you that I'm better than fucking what you thought I was. And this all turned around for me. So in the beginning, when I thought that my daughter's wrong for doing this shit for me, then I thought back about how I lived my life. And if I'm lying to you, whatever, I got clean for my friends so they could be proud of me.

Not so I could be a successful comedian or whatever. I just wanted them to be proud of me. Fuck, man. 13 fucking years. You know? Next Monday when we're doing this podcast, no, that two weeks from now,

it'll be 13 fucking years and I got away from that curse. Ask me, do I have an urge? Not at all. Do I want to go back to that life? Not at all. I enjoy not having $18 in my bank account. I don't have much more dollars

than that in my bank account now, but have an $18. 18 is everything is a fucking nightmare over a fucking addiction. I beat this fucking addiction. You dabble in weed and you eat some edibles from time to time. Ooh, throw me under the jail. Go fuck yourself. Meanwhile, you're drinking, drinking and driving.

So don't fucking judge nobody. I'm just trying to keep it as low and fucking damage-free as I can. But if you're having a hard time in your life, if you're having a hard time in this pandemic, Yes, I want you to do it for you. I want you to try to move ahead for you. I want you to get classes for you. I want you to do all these things for you.

But if you're like me and you have no self-value towards yourself, like, you know, I don't give a fuck. Then do it for somebody. Look around. Who can you make proud? Whose day can you make? Who can you look at and them go, Jesus Christ, man. I can't believe you fucking did.

that and it's not about the money or anything like that it's about doing something that other people are like man i'm proud that that guy's my fucking friend i've seen him eating dog shit for years and now look what he's doing people are proud of you people pick you up through your fucking backs remember listen man i can't pick you up you got to pick yourself up i could put out a hand you follow the saying and we can't grasp hands but i can't pick you up all the way you can't pick you up all the way you You got to pick up that last leg and push yourself up. That's it for the week. It's Monday, the week of October 25th.

We did it. We're still here. Trick-a-treat. Boom! Before the podcast is over, I want to cover one thing, and I want to cover this as simple and as non-aggressive or threatening. Listen, this podcast from here on in and even towards the end of the church, without busting leaves balls or whatever.

I never wanted, I'm not here to inspire hate. I'm not here to inspire problems. I don't want any problems. I want my life drama frame, a 57-year-old gentleman with a daughter who's just trying to raise a daughter. Yes, I'm at fault. I smoke my reefer.

Ooh, he's a bad person. But I'm a fan. I'm a fan of a lot of things. I'm a fan. I'm a big fan of Charles Bronsons. I'm a big fan to Julia Serving. I'm just a fan of things. I'm a big fan of Richard Pry.

There's things I'll do, and there's things I won't do. You know, I went to 10 Julius Irving games, and I was a kid when he played for the Sixers, and I would go and yell, Julius, I bet you're heavy, and I would break his balls and whatever. But that was it. That was it.

That's what you guys do when you come to the show. Joey, tell us about fucking, you know, whatever his name is. the De Lorenzo kid, Moon Dust, whatever the fuck I used to call him. You know, I don't mind that shit. That's just the one is. But we have a problem today.

We have a big problem, and I want this addressed, and I want this just taking care of so everybody knows the story and what happened. I love Charles Bronson. I love him to death. I love all his movies from fucking The Magnificent Seven to the Evil at Mendu, to Death Wish, to Death Hunt.

There's not anything you know. the one with the watermelons. I love Charles Bronson. If it was up to me, I would love to see, for the world, to see the real Charles Bronson and just little clips of movies.

I could do that. But I had a problem. It's called copyright. It's called permission. It's called a ton of things. I'd have to contact a bunch of people to do it. And you know what? At the end of the week,

who the fuck am I? Just go get your own Charles Bronson experience. just go watch a movie and you watch a movie each week last night I talked to my man Rick Ramos he was watching Stone Cold whatever the fuck it is he made a movie uh stone something whatever anyway I smoked refit this morning the point being is a couple months ago a couple years ago we started a YouTube page and it's called the church page and we were doing business with somebody else and mysteriously a page started showing up Joey Diaz's clips and they're fucking showing your stuff.

They're taking your stuff and they're showing it. You know why we stop playing music on the podcast? I love introducing new music to you guys in the podcast. Something to set the tone for the fucking podcast. You know what I'm saying? It's like going to stab somebody. Before Rich Ramirez was killing people. He was listening to ACDC, right?

We all want to stab somebody to a soundtrack. Yes or no? I do the same thing for the day. Before you get up in the morning, you want to fucking put it. But on YouTube, they don't allow you to play music. and that's just the way it is. So we had to stop fucking playing music and you guys got mad.

Joey, no music. I want to be around. Listen to it on your own. We can't do it on that because you get flagged and you get so many flags, then you get thrown off YouTube and then you don't have a platform. So if you're going to take my stuff

and put it up on YouTube and contradict what I'm doing, that's a fucking problem. That's a big problem. I appreciate you as a family, as a church family member and a joint family member for you to put up a video from time to time or whatever. But when it contradicts what we're doing, there's a problem. This week we had to take down some of these fucking page that we warned them about not putting the albums up. We weren't being bad people.

We just even gave him a friendly warning, listen, man, you got to take those down. and at first he listened and took him down. Then he decided to put them back up to break our balls. And my management. Now, Michael Klein, Michael Klein doesn't know anybody at fucking YouTube, okay? It's not you can just pick up the YouTube. My management, no name dropping here. They have a fantastic relationship with YouTube.

And there's a reason why, which you don't need to know, and I don't need to tell you. I'm just telling you, if you put something up and you don't get permission from us, it's going to get taken down. It's not that we're being bad people, it's that we were being good people for too fucking long,

and then people took advantage. That's what it was. Not that I'm a bad guy. I answer your emails. I give you content. I'm as sweet as I can to you people, as much as I can be. There's people who don't even return your fucking emails.

And you guys know who those people are. So don't come coming to me with your fucking bullshit. I'm as sweet as can fucking be. I'm sweet as cherry pie. I'll give you the shirt off my back. But when you contradict me, we have a fucking problem. You want to make a fucking, you know, it's for you people who contact me up.

Hey, Joey, if you'd like, we'd come over and help you with the sound. Do you think that maybe I like this sound? I wanted it to be raw. This was the point of this fucking podcast To bring it back to being a podcast Not for you guys You can sit there every day And go, we don't like his studio

Who the fuck are you not to like your studio If you don't like his studio And the sound of the podcast Or the way the camera shot Go do it yourself better But don't sit there And try to offer me help I don't want no fucking help

You people at all, at all I just want you to listen to the podcast Giggle, get something from it and enjoy. Don't worry about Uncle Joey's cat on the fucking Sunday. How the cat's doing? Who gives the fuck? It's Saturday. Go get some of your dick suck. That's what you need to go get. You get the weirdest things from people like, listen, the management I'm with, they cover you everything. Graphic designers, they come with the whole thing. So we're good there, people. I love you to death. I understand. And I also understand how it happens. Some people show up offering you

something, but they really want something at the end. You follow I'm saying to you Before we even take something, we don't want to know what that is. So we just say no. Because nobody comes at you with an open heart home. I really want to help you fix that flat. No, I want you to help you fix your flat,

but there's a by the way, I need for you to come to the fucking thing and I don't want to know by the ways. I'm too old for a fucking by the way. If you got your feelings hurt by that, I was taking your page down, I'm very sorry. We asked you very nicely, and we were gentlemen to you.

My management did it. My client had nothing to do with it. Number two, how bored are you? How bored are you? How bored are you that you got to go and take clips and put pages up and whatever? I appreciate it. I love that you love me, and Lord knows I love you. You found clips I never saw before.

But can you imagine you actually went and called producers from movies that I was on and TV shows? You didn't have that right. And you did all this without even sending me a fucking email and asking me, Joey, this is what I want to do. You want to do something with Joey on it? Just send me a fucking email. Go to Twitter. You know I'm always a Twitter. There's a confusion.

There's Twitter. There's Facebook. There's Patreon. There's fucking Gmail. You never see. sent me none. You never sent me a form to ask me permission for me to sign off on. Listen, if you're making a couple dollars, I'm not mad at you about the dollars. It's the contradiction. Okay, so for you people, do not get it wrong. I'm a sweetheart of a guy.

Believe it or not, whether you want to believe that or not, I don't give a fuck. We're here, we're queer. We're just looking to have a good time. We're trying to keep it fucking positive. I'm not here busting your balls about voting or communism or whatever. All we're trying to do is tell your story, compare it to what's going on today, and just keep this line of communication open because I think this is very important. The month without me doing the podcast broke my heart, and I'm sure it broke a lot of yours heart. We have each other. We fucking count on each other.

And that's what this podcast is all about. I count on you guys. You count on me and together. Forget about it. It's like two fags on Halloween. It's going down, cocksucker. You know what I'm saying? My heart goes out to the gay community in Hollywood next week.

I don't give a fuck. The kids, fuck you, cock suckers. You don't need no fucking diabetes. But fags, they need their diabetes. My heart goes out to them in West Hollywood, the whole LGBT community, who is not going to get to experience fucking Halloween next Saturday night.

But if I know anything about you bad motherfuckers, you're going to invade fucking down there with COVID juice and fucking sling some dick down Santa Monica Boulevard. They can't stop your Halloween. They can't stop your Halloween gay parade. They can't fucking rain on your fucking parade, Hollywood. So my gay brothers and sisters in Hollywood, Eric Roach are leading the pack. Don't let them take fucking Hollywood from you.

Like Ozzy said, don't take rock and roll. You're not taking fucking Halloween from the fucking gay people in Hollywood. I love you guys. I hope you have a great fucking week. Stay black. Listen, just get permission, okay? That's it. Just send the form and go,

this is what my intentions are. You're going to make a couple dollars a month. I don't give a fuck about the money you make. It's when you contradict what we're doing, brother. Okay? That's it. That's that. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart.

I want you to have a fucking great week. Don't worry about the election. Don't worry about the cold. just worry about how you're going to make it through the fucking day today people call me up hey what are you doing next sunday i'm gonna stab your mother i have no idea i'm here today today i'm here i'm focused we're gonna eat good we're gonna sleep good we're gonna write our journal we're gonna get a little healthy we're gonna try every day and that's all we can do motherfuckers i love you thank you for listening thank you for watching uncle joey's joint fucking october 25th monday this is going to be the best

fucking week of your life. I don't give a fuck what they tell you. Stay black, motherfuckers. Here we go. I want to thank our sponsors for always having our back. Number one on it. Listen, Alpha Brain is the one that got it started. Alpha Brain works through New Tropics. If you do not like Alpha Brain, you start a cycle. If you feel unfocused, you can't get your thoughts together. If you try AlphaBrain and you don't like it, you keep the product and you get 100% money back guarantee. When a company does that, that's a company I want to do business with. Start with AlphaBrain. They have a smaller container. Just do it for four, five weeks. You'll feel the difference immediately. If not, call on it. Tell them, listen. I didn't feel

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The Shroom Tech immune, I don't have to tell you what's going on right now. I mean, you could do whatever you want on your own, but it helps. Honored is a great company that's been with me since day one, and that's why I want to pass on what they have to offer to you. So go to honor.com right now and press in church. and get 10% off your first order. The joint is also brought to you by draft kings.

If you want to have a party, you got to have fucking draft kings. You all knew fucking Khabib was going to go through Gaghi. They intimidated you. They scared you. You probably bet on Gagey. It was a good fucking line. Gagey plus two, whatever, is a great line. You know, baseball was great this weekend.

Fucking the devil race came back on Saturday night. who knows what's going to happen on Sunday night. You may have baseball this week, but I just want you to know Draft Kings is here for you. Draft Kings is America's top-rated sportsbook app. And if you haven't tried them yet, what the fuck are you waiting for? This Saturday, Halloween, it's time for the showdown and Happy Valley.

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And it's called Getus. You put in one grand. They give you one grand. Who else is giving you anything these days? You can't even get unemployment on the phone, even if you're Spanish. Fuck you. It's safe, secure, and reliable.

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