The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #008 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: October 28, 2020

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Candles lit. What's happened? What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday the 28th of October. The month is almost fucking gone. We did it. We made it. Nobody's fucking dying.

The numbers are up, but people are living. Who gives us? the fuck. Uncle Joey's joint is here and in color. I hope you guys are watching the Comedy Store documentary. I hope you're watching some type of, I hope you got Showtime or you got an app or whatever the fuck you got because you're missing some great stuff. I think Mike Binder did a great job. The last four episodes, I've been getting a lot of positive feedback. And it's not that he put me in or anything. It would have still been interesting, even not to see myself on there.

But I don't know if you were watching it. There was one picture they showed after the Joe Rogan telling the story about, you know, getting banned and whatever. They said that it really slowed down. And Jimmy Schubert goes, you know, Diaz left, Joe left. And they show an SUV, a Cadillac pull up. And it's me and Rogan and the Cadillac. And I have my red North Bergen fucking jacket on, which was given to me by the great legendary coach, Vinnie Askley's up in North Bergen.

I tell you, I got more calls from wearing that fucking jacket on that documentary than I've gotten from doing anything. Like my friends all called me and said, we're so fucking proud that you represented North Bergen. North Bergen was represented Saturday night at the UFC. My man, Kevin Hawks, whatever. I don't know him. I didn't even know he was from North Bergen.

I didn't even know he was fighting. I didn't even know there was a fucking MMA gym in North Bergen. I know Anaconda Jiu-Jitizu's up there. Ulyo Rodriguez is. school, but I didn't know anything else is up there. So now I have to start looking when I go back up there. I don't go up there that much. But a bunch of buddies of mine called me

and they were like, hey man, thank you for ripping North Bergen. And we didn't know that Rogan and you had that much hair. I was like, you guys didn't know Rogan had hair. Like, they're like, we didn't know he had that much hair. What happened? But we get old. Times fucking move on. This is what happened.

That's how long I've known him. I did the mat. That was New Year's 2001 Fear Factor was in full effect. Every year from like 2000 to 2006, we did, I don't know, even later than that, we did New Year's every fucking year. But they got to the point we would just do the improv and on Melrose. We would do the 8 o'clock, the 10 o'clock bringing the fucking new year at that Milrose improv.

And then we shoot over to the fucking comedy store and we close out the fucking night there. Have a great time. You know, this is when it was it. I think the last big New Year's show we did was with Honey Honey and Doug Stanhope and Duncan and Ari. We did one at the Wiltern Theater. That was it. But every year that was our thing was me, Ari, Duncan, Joe, Red Band.

We'd do fucking New Year's. And then we'd take it over to the fucking store. and go bananas up there. Holtzman would be up who, thank God, they gave light in this documentary. Brian Holtzman, you know, over the years, there have been a lot of fucking things, and I'll break them down for you right now.

I think one of the funniest stand-ups working is Bill Burr. I think Joe's up there too. I think Dave Chappelle is up there. I think there's a lot of great comics working. But nobody. I think Bill Burr really has it to the full. extent. As far as a wild man on stage, I mean, I have those qualities and I'm a storyteller and whatnot. But there's another guy that just listen, man, in anything, any fucking aspect of

life, whether it's roofing, baseball, sports, UFC, you know, I saw it, I first started learning about it when I worked for a sports betting service. You know, most sports betting service, if you ever belong to one, what they do is that they have 100 clients. Let's say Pittsburgh is playing the Dallas Cowboys. What they usually do is they give out 50 people Pittsburgh and 50 people of Dallas Cowboys. I worked for a sports betting service that did not do that. They gave everybody the same picks. But what they would do is, you know, they would cater it to your whatever you want.

it to play. Let's say you're a parley guy. You want to bet two teams and go for bigger money. A five-time parlay is $30 to lose, $70 to win. That's when it was when I was gambling when I was back a kid. Ten-time parlay is $60 to lose, $140 to win. Sometimes you have parlay people who want to make two picks. There was this guy that I had that was a, but he's this guy in the world. And every night, we go three and one, three and one. Three and one. Three and one. Three. and one, and I always gave him the one. I don't know what it was. Every night, this guy was like a fucking coach somewhere in Missouri.

I really liked him. I didn't want him to have what everybody else had, but I was giving him the wrong judgment. We would give out four games a night, you know, a college basketball game, maybe three NBA games, something like that, you know, on an average. But I would always give, you know, you would have like a chart, and it would have the four teams and who you were given those teams to,

if you go back at those charts, always gave him the one that lost. He was a hell of a nice guy. He left me as a client. I would have left me too. I was giving him nothing but losers. But he just fell through the cracks. We were winning. We were actually fucking winning. I think the last year I worked there, I had a guy that was paying me out the ass. We were winning. We were doing really well. We went on a hot streak. When you go on a hot streak, everybody hears about it and gambling and they jump on the bandwagon with you. But this poor guy, this poor coach, listen, he doesn't. He didn't, doesn't even matter. It's been fucking, you know, 25 years since I worked on a sports betting service.

That guy has moved on, I've moved on, but I still think about that guy. I applied him to life that sometimes people just fall through the cracks. There's nothing you can do to control it. And Brian Holstman, who they put on that portrait on this spec on the documentary this week, bro, that guy made this laugh for fucking years. That guy, Brian Holstman, is one of the true, funniest motherfucker is working. He just didn't have the fucking, you know, he's a nut like me. He didn't have the fucking time to play

the game or the patience to play the game. Sweetheart of a guy. Killer up on stage. My favorite Brian Holschman's story is we put a fart machine in the fucking room while he was on stage one night. And the kid who had the fart machine

kept putting it off and Brian Holtham was trying to do his jokes. This is from the con. You know, if you're watching documentary that telling you shit that you know you guys you cannot believe i mean i was at the comedy store in 97 when there was eight people on a fucking wednesday night you know you think about all the gold and glitter and all the shit that was going on down in the last seven years dog before that it was a rough fucking place i know tons of comics like i can mention names that walked in there looked at me and said i don't know how the fuck you do this and walk the fuck out of that it was

It was tough. It was tough. The only a certain type of comic went down there. Not a lot of comics went down there. And the comics that did go down there were rough and tumble type guys. That was a rough fucking place. But Brian Holtsman at night would make that

fucking place so much better because after all the bumps after everybody got bumped after everybody left mad, Brian Holstman was a trooper. In fact, it was Brian Holtsman who told me something one night. Somebody bumped because they talked a lot about bumping on the documentary.

Bumping is when you're about to go up at 11 o'clock and a star walks in and goes on stage and now you've got to sit there like a fucking move to lure. Want me to tell you something? I never got mad at that. I can look you guys straight into the face and tell you, I never got mad at bumping because I always knew that was part of the game.

It's like when Christopher Maltesani complained to Tony Soprano about always having to pick up dinner because he was a little man on the totem pole. And he's like, what are you worried about? Someday some kids are going to be buying you dinner. It's the same fucking concept. You know, when you're at the comedy store and you're fucking green, bitch,

you're going to go through a lot of suffering and a lot of mental fucking anguish. Whether or not, you know, you're even good. Whether you're getting bumped, it was always a surprise. You didn't know if Eddie Griffin was going to bump you, Dice was going to bump you, Paul Mooney was going to bump you,

Gary Shaling was going to bump you. You didn't know. It was the night of bumps. There were some nights those stars just came in and bumped themselves. Like, there were nights where who went up last night? Fuck it.

Eddie Griffin went up, Dice went up, and Mooney closed it after two in the morning. Nobody went up. But that was all part of the fucking game. A lot of you guys

are there sitting at me going, I wouldn't say there. Yes, you would, because you had nowhere else to go. You had to sit there pinned in case this guy got off fucking stage. You know how many nights

I sat there and waited just and couldn't do coke? Don't tell me, oh, it's because you were doing coke. Couldn't do coke. I was going up on stage. How the fucking I'd do coke? I can just walk around and talk to people and shit like that.

But that's how I built my friendships with Ari and Joe and fucking Duncan and Red Band. Was just sitting around waiting. You know how many comics would say, fuck you, I'm leaving? But it was Brian Holtzman, who one night back there in 97, I'm like, I can't believe I'm waiting around for a 145 spot. And he's like, you don't want it? Go put it out. Go get a truck board and put out on the street.

Joe, he doesn't want his 1.45 spot. Who wants to do it? See how many people will sign up for that fucking spot? So Brian Hotsman set me straight right fucking then and there. I mean, Brian Hotsman set me fucking straight. Like, listen, you just got to wait. That's part of a fucking game.

That's part of becoming a comic. And you know what? By waiting, after a while, you don't even want to talk to people no more. You just want to watch that comic and learn. And for me, it was lucky because in my world, it was Paul Mooney who had to follow. and TK.

whatever his name was, Don Marrera and Andrew. So by following those guys, it made me the comic who I am today. You know, Joe Rogan always says that it killed me because a lot of people would give Joe shit and a lot of people would give me shit.

I still get shit about it. People say that's the funniest man walking around. And people go, no, he's not a Joe Burr. Bill Burr, that's not how Joe meant it. Joe meant it in the sense of, listen, let me tell you something. just happened in front of your eyes. Comedy Central went out of business and Quibi went out of business.

You haven't mentioned that. They haven't mentioned that about Quibi going out of business. Quibi was a Jeff Katzenberg or whatever fucking project where it was 10 minute shows and they would shoot 10, 10 minute shows. Well, those motherfuckers went out of business. And it's like Tim Dillon said the other day, God bless Tim Dillon because he says it right. Quibi went out of business and all of us didn't have a job. You know, Comedy Central went out of business because America finally woke the fuck up. How the fuck were all these comics hiding

and you were promoting all these other comics? You know, they were hiding Ari, they were hiding me, they were hiding tons of people that were exposed in the Joe Rogan podcast. So where did comedy, where was Comedy Central's fucking credibility? I mean, I'm not putting Comedy Central down.

Listen, if it wasn't for Comedy Central with Ari Shapir, this is not happening. I wouldn't be where I am. That show was fucking. That show made me where I am today. It let me showcase my storytelling, and I went deep on there. And I didn't do it for Comedy Central. I went deep on there for my brother Ari, because I wasn't letting him the fuck down. You know, I didn't have a beef for Comedy Central, but they never thought about me for anything. So fuck them. I did that show and put my fucking soul on the line,

because of fucking Ari. But even after those things, people were like, who are all these comics that you don't show us? So what happened to Comedy Central was they kind of lost credibility And Quibb, instead of fucking looking at Comedy Central and going, we don't want to become them and hire all these fucking bums to fucking Because Quibby had just a bunch of broil of shows

I'm not here insulting anybody or putting anybody down But they didn't go to any of us They didn't go to Duncan, they didn't go to fucking Tim Dillon They didn't go to Burke Crisha They didn't go to nobody So what the fuck, right? Yeah, what the fuck? Who's fault is that? because we're bad boys or whatever the fuck

because we're comics. But you want with the, you know, how many actors do you see on TV shows that the TV shows keep getting canceled and they keep bringing them back on another format? I don't know how many fucking shows are going to give these people. But at the same time,

Tim Dillon is sitting at home. Andrew Schultz is sitting at home. Makes you got a fucking wonder, like what the fuck of these people doing at Quibi? How can Andrew Shultz be at home? How wasn't Andrew Shultz the fucking lead show on Quibi? I'm not even talking about Joey Diasian.

I'm old, I'm out of it, you know, whatever. I got white hair, I do drug, whatever the fuck you want to say. Forget me. What about fucking Annie Leatherman? Where was her quibby fucking show? Where was Andrew Schultz quibby fucking show? Where was Tim Dillon's quibby fucking show? Nah, why would they go with people who are doing things?

Let's pick up the same fucking stiffs that have been on TV for 20 years boring you to fucking death. Like, then you complain about Netflix, you know? This is what happens. You don't go with the people who are going to take you to the fucking promise land. You went with the same people who are breaking TVs for the last 20 years. 20 years they've been breaking TVs. That's who Quibi decided to get into business with.

20 years of fucking bad television. Let's get back on the boat with these fucking idiots and show you bad TV for 10 minutes. That's what I need. 10 different TV, 10 minute fucking shows that are bad. For love of fucking Pete. I'm sorry I'm going off today, but it's true. You know, I'm Sydney. I'm out of the game.

I'm out of the game. I'm on the fucking sidelines. I'm on one of these guys. L.A.s where the game is at, all this shit. I'm done. I'm just letting you guys know that I hope you're seeing this. I hope you're paying attention to these things. Quibby went out of business. There was no Rogan on there. There was no redband on there. There was no tony Hinchcliffe on there. There was fucking nobody on there. So what are you doing? You're telling people you want them to start a network, but you don't go with the fucking people that are doing things. It just fucking drives me crazy. But as Uncle Joey, I don't have to worry about those things no more. I'm very happy with my fucking little life now in New Jersey. I'm a full-time dad. I'm a part-time entertainer. I'm not surrounded with that shit no more. It just makes you fucking sit back and laugh and go, what the fuck?

Didn't you learn your lesson? I was in shock. Listen, I wasn't putting the Malukai on Quibi. By no means. I have friends that were on Quibi, you know? But Jesus fucking Christ, they're already out of business. That's it. 10 minute shows already?

That's it. Fuck! Anyway, back to the situation at hand now. I've been getting a lot of fucking emails lately, a lot of little fucking tidbits that Joey, you look better, you look happier, whatever. I didn't know what was going on with me the last two or three weeks because I went from a state of fucking panic.

I stayed in a state of confusion. And then, I mean, thank God for Mike. You know, we got the podcast going October 5th. And this is the eighth podcast we've done. And, you know, things have slowed up for me. I had to slow them down. Nobody slowed them down for me. I had to put my foot down and do what I thought was best for me and my family.

I took care of my family. I focused on my family, getting them out of L.A. getting the house in Jersey, you know, getting them in school. She's in school four days a week. She's at the after-school program. She plays with fucking kids on the street. She's fucking happy. My wife is fucking very happy, you know.

She's got friends. She's got a life. Friday night, we went out with friends and on the way home. I go, where's your other friend? Give her a call. And she goes, you know, I might as well. And my wife ended up going out for a drink with her, you know, some outdoor thing just to live.

like 10 or 11 o'clock. I feel very happy for my daughter and my wife. But I didn't know what I was feeling. I know I didn't need the clock up in the daytime no more. I know that I'm not confused anymore. But then I started feeling this other fucking thing coming on, like the last three weeks. It wasn't confusion.

It wasn't anxious. It wasn't anger. It had nothing to do with that. It was just like something. just wasn't right, you know, something just wasn't right. I was having a good time with Mike. I'm having a good time going down on Uncle Vinnie's on Wednesday nights. You know, it's, like I tell people, it's the most I can do for right now.

I had to do this step by step and, you know, just, I can't keep looking at this. How beautiful is this? Oh, my God, look at this. Can you imagine sticking this up your ass what type of party you have? You put the used as a suppository. See how high you are? Forget the fucking edibles I did on Friday night. I was fucked up Friday night.

Thank you for watching that tape. I was fucked up because Fridays I got shit, nothing to do. I got nothing to do on Friday. I'm done for the week. I'm sitting here waiting for my daughter to come home. Usually sometimes I go up north, but it was rainy. Something was going down. So Friday had nothing to do.

My friend was coming down anyway. We were going out to dinner. So when I met them, I gave them an edible. They were like, what was that edible you were talking about? So we're not even talking about the 100 milligrams. I'm not even eating the AB. no more. I still got a ton of ABX. I'm saving those for my my tolerance has gone down. So these pro tabs are just 25 milligrams. The last time I ate at abX I fell asleep at jimmy

Florentine's house during Sunday football. So and I still love you guys. I still got a ton of ABX. I love the fucking product. It's still great. I'm just fucking too old for an ABX right now. It'll kill me. So I've been just dealing with these little pro tabs just to take them, you know, and be able to just be social, you know. So I ate like two or like four in the afternoon just to get the blood going. And then I fucking met my friends for dinner with my wife and my daughter.

And they asked me before we left what happened to that thing. So when I put fucking a couple in their hands, I popped two more. Now I'm running at 100 milligrams, which is usually nothing for Uncle Joey. Then I come home and I popped two more at like eight. I was bored.

I was upstairs with my wife. I had to answer all this stuff. We're watching some fucking movie or something. And then I started doing my sleep aids. And that's completely different. That's a complete different territory. Because my sleep aids are all like two milligrams shit. So let's say I take five pills.

Yeah, it's two milligrams, but it still adds up to 10. You know what I'm saying? Let's say I put two kikimos under my fucking tongue, the subliminal. It's two fucking things, but it's still four milligrams. And then when I make the tea, you know how many nights? I've fallen asleep with the tea on my lap. You have no idea. Getting back to what Joe Rogan says,

that I'm the funniest guy in the world, it's not on stage. It's the shit that I do offstage, the little remarks I make, and the shit that happens to me, that I don't remember to tell you guys. You know how many nights... All right, so one night I spilled the tea.

One night I actually fell asleep with the fucking tea. Once I drink the tea, that's the nightcap right there. So, like last night, I didn't take no edibles. It was Monday. Who takes an edible on a Monday? What type of animal? I used to eat them on Mondays, and I live back in L.A., but since I've been here, I don't need to take them on a Monday.

I got too much on my plate. On Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. I got too much on my plate. Last night, I didn't take any edibles. Last night, I put fucking maybe three things under my tongue, and I ate maybe three of the fucking. pills and I drank the tea at like maybe 10 to 10. I was done with my night last night. And guys, I remember walking upstairs at 10th. Like last night was one of the rare nights.

I didn't fall asleep on the couch. I mean, I usually do for like 10 minutes and then I catch myself. But usually I fall asleep fucking watching TV at night. Like I, and I fall asleep as soon as I finish that tea. Some nights I just sip one thing of the tea and I fucking go to, The other night I woke up in the middle of night, the tea was next to me. I had taken two sips. It was freezing now. I'm waking, I got up. I'm like, what the fuck is this?

But the tea puts me to fuck up. But sometimes all those edibles add up. And fucking Friday night I got fucked up. I hadn't been that fucked up in like a couple weeks, Jack. I made a fucking tape on YouTube. I don't know what the fuck I was talking about. I tried to watch the tape the other day. I passed out that night.

And I woke up. And I had a warm up a fucking meal. That's how fucking, that's how fucking hungry I was. At about 3 o'clock, I had a whole Chinese festival going up in my living room because my wife had gotten Chinese food earlier that day. She goes, we'll save it tomorrow for lunch. Fuck you. It wasn't a lot.

I tore into three little wantons and a soup. I made out good wonton soup in my neighborhood. Good wanton soup. And I had a white rice, a little bit of white rice. And she had Sichuan beef. So I had a bunch of the spicy shredded beef. at two in the morning, three in the morning. I fucking woke up the next day.

It was a piece of rice in my sleep apnea mask. Just one single piece of rice. I looked at it. I'm like, what the fuck? Where the fuck is my life going? This is the shit you people need to see. What I'm gonna start making a video for you guys? What's an Uncle Joey's sleep apnea mask this morning?

When I go off on munchies, I remember my dad woke up and there was pieces of fucking popcorn everywhere. I must have been eating that fucking my daughter's cheese popcorn or some shit. I don't even know I have to shit. Like for a while there during the pandemic in March and April, oh Lordy. I was going deep with those ABXs. When the fucking pandemic first hit, I gained 16 fucking pounds the first month because I was getting so fucking high. My anxiety was so high off the charts. I was eating close to 600 milligrams a night. And I ain't fucking kidding you. When I ain't fucking kidding you, you could get Lee on the fucking phone. We were popping those things. I know I was. He would laugh at me. I don't know how you do it.

I got to do it. My insides were on fucking fire. So I was waking up in the middle of every fucking night I would munch out. And that's why that's the only negative to the edibles. Because I could smoke dope all day and not eat one fucking day. I've only had oatmeal today. I smoked two joints this morning early. early and I had oatmeal no toast no nothing for lunch I have a protein shake maybe something a little later than for dinner whatever so yeah I don't reef it doesn't affect my fucking appetite edibles make me go fucking bananas I mean to the point where it's not good it's scary like the cheese is gone the ham is gone chips are gone you know I don't drink soda thank god I don't

eat cake or cookies and nothing like that I just eat fucking food. Thank God, man. But last night was a very weird night because I went to bed early. You know, like 10.30, quarter to a lavender had to be when I went to

fucking bed. And I woke up like at 4.30. I didn't have to pee or anything. I just woke up. I just woke up. I laid there for about seven, eight minutes. And I was like, man, maybe I'll just get up,

go downstairs, ride a little bit. maybe take two more droplets of the CBD, maybe two more droplets of the, the quichimo tincture, and I'll go back to bed, but I go, fuck, I got to do the podcast early, I got to get up,

I don't want to be fucking sleepy for Mike or fucked up for Mike, you know, I want to be as good as I can be on these things. So I said, I'll just try to fall back to sleep on my own. And I got comfortable or whatever. I laid down and it wasn't happening. And my mind started thinking about stuff.

You know, like, that's the natural. I didn't want to get up. And something hit me. Something hit me that hadn't hit me in a long time. That feeling I had, that little feeling I've been having the last maybe two weeks, because I tell you, this goes on in like two-week increments, you know. Like, for the last eight weeks, I felt different. the last two weeks, you know.

So from August 19th to September 1st, but I moved into my house, I had a weird feeling. And then from September 1st to maybe the 15th, it took me that long to get rid of that full-time anxiety. And then from the 15th of September to October 1st, maybe the fear decimated a little bit. I got the fear out.

You know, I started accepting that, you know, the church wasn't happening. I started missing Lee. I started accepting a lot of things by beginning of October. And then, you know, thank God for Mike. He called me, goes, I'm ready to go. And we started doing this. And I progressed fantastically this month.

But something else happened the last two weeks, you know. I mean, listen, my buddy died. My sister-in-law died. My wife is walking with a fucking thing on her foot. She broke her. During the fucking pandemic, my wife was playing. and whatever the fuck, not tennis, but the other shit with Mercy. And she stepped wrong and she thought there was something wrong with a foot.

And she just came back yesterday with the doctor with a fucking thing on her foot. She's limping around. She's got to wear it for like a month. So, yeah, listen, it's life. Bad things are going to happen and you're going to react to them. You know, I miss my buddy. I miss my sister-in-law. You know, I see what my brother's going through.

I see what a lot of people are going through. I'm going to tell you something, guys, that I'm going to be strictly honest for you. I'm going to tell you how hard it is on people right now, financially. This is the first time in my life. And I'm not talking about it being hard on me. I'm talking about me, you know, helping people and whatever. This is the first time in my life. If you want, I'll show Mike just to prove it to you that I got $100 on my PayPal.

This is the first time. And since I've had PayPal, that I've had like $52 in there. because people are going through a hard time. I usually have, you know, 600, 500, 400, people buy CDs, you know, whatever, shit like that. This is the first time I got under 100 bucks because people are fucking hurting. People need money.

People don't know what they're, you know, people are moving in. I mean, maybe you're not going through it, whatever, but you have to be, you know, drive up and down your streets, you know, businesses are going out, people aren't working the full amounts, you know, And the holidays are going to be rough on some people. This is rough.

You know, we're not playing fucking games here. You know, people needed to help and whatnot. But this morning, when I was laying there in bed, I didn't want to get up. I didn't have to pee. But I thought about what this latest feeling was that I had that was in me. And the feeling was happiness. The last two weeks, I ever since Mersey's been going to school four days.

Listen, I was happy when she was going to school two days a week. because we were still covering the spread around the house. There's still tons of stuff to do. Our neighbors are great people. Our neighbors around the corner are great people. The Florentines are a great family. I still had a great support system. But this morning, I finally came to the conclusion.

Like, I remember even smiling, but I just smiling going, I can't remember the last time I was this complete. Like, this complete. regardless of what's going on outside. People have my empathy and I sympathize for everybody. But for me, my insides, I haven't been this happy a long fucking time. Maybe since I got into the comedy store,

but even then I was dealing with the pain of my daughter. I mean, right now, I am, this is the best Joey Dears I've ever been. And I didn't even know it. I didn't even know what happiness felt like, like total, total happiness. Like, you know, and then watching,

documentary. My friends are happy with the fucking North Bergen shit. My daughter, everybody's happy around me. You know, I mean, people struggling, people are dying. You know, this is live. People getting flat tires, you know. You know, my wife, whatever, with the fucking foot. Now I got to hear like, she's dragging the other foot. But besides all that stuff, I could really look to you guys in the eye and tell you I'm happy is fuck lees up in milwaukee he's taken care of he's going home on friday i'm happy he's finally going home to his mom uh you know he's going to be home for all the holidays the jewish high days you know all that stuff so i'm happy for him he's taken care of you know nothing bad's going out with him

steve simone is doing his thing i miss him you know dean delray i miss my brother i miss that motherfucker with all my heart. I'd please support Dean Delray. He had fucking Rob Halford on. And when I talked to him after he taped ACDC, it was like talking to a five-year-old kid that just robbed the candy store. Like, he was so fucking happy.

So if you get a chance to support fucking Dean Delray, you know, hit him up, telling Dean were proud of you because he really is doing a good job. That's one guy that, never brought me down. He really understood L.A. He wasn't desperate. He wasn't needy.

He didn't have all the different marks that people at that level of a stand-up have. I don't know if it was his age. I don't know if it was because he was that wise of a dude. But Dean Del Rey, I miss you to death. He gets all the love from my heart. I mean, he kept plugging. What did I tell you this was about, guys?

There's going to be a pandemic, and you're going to have to wear a man. and you're going to have to do this and you're going to have to do that. But if you lay down, then life's going to take you down. But if you keep going head on, listen, I had to take that little period off just to acclimate, just to see what the fuck was going to happen here. And I tell you something, even though I wasn't moving forward, now I could tell you I was moving forward because I was taking care of my mental health.

Somebody even suggested that to me a idea. They were like, we could see your mental health is a lot better. guys, I was surrounded by desperation, fucking, you know, when you're in that business, you're desperate. And I'm not mad at you. I'm sure I was desperate the first year. I was there also. But when you see people in these desperate positions, what really shocked me what I've stepped away from was desperation and greed. I've stepped away from all that. The desperation and greed I saw the last six or seven years

in L.A. was fucking disgusting. And it went, it manifested up on top, and it ran down. So the agents were greedy. The fucking client list was greedy. And they all got one that lost their fucking minds. And I'll tell you, you know,

happiness, you can't buy happiness. What I have in my stomach right now beside fat, and a fucked up liver and a kidney and God knows what else. You know, puberty cares are settling down there. Who the fuck knows? But what else I have in my stomach is I can look you guys straight in the face and tell you, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

I didn't even know how happiness manifests itself. I didn't even know. I had no idea because I haven't felt it in so long. For years, nothing was right. For years, I felt like I could never reach this point where nothing was right. This isn't about money or TV shows. or back end or this is just about life right now. Me being in this house, me just living.

Like I'm not doing much. I'm doing stand-up once a week, and that's all you're probably going to get out of me for a while. I'm not looking to do a lot of fucking things right now. I'm looking to get healthy. I've been writing some stand-up. I have been writing in the book. I'm trying, you know.

So that tells me also of my fucking. progress because I couldn't write any fucking jokes, man. I'm writing jokes again. They're not fucking Bill Burt type fucking jokes or Dave Chappelle type jokes, but I'm writing. And little steps become big steps. The more I keep fucking doing it. But happiness is something that I haven't fucking, you know, you get temporary happiness. Somebody licks your balls, fucking, you get a TV show, you know, you fucking have a great weekend of the comedy club.

you know, somebody tells you you had a funny joke. Those are just like temporary moments of happiness in what's going on in your reality. But to look you straight in the face and tell you that I'm happy all the way down to my balls. I'm happy with the decision I made. I'm happy that I stuck to my plan. I'm happy that I stuck to my word.

I'm happy that the people around me didn't get fucking, you know, listen, this could have been a lot worse off. I lost two people. I could have lost. How many people have died from this fucking COVID thing? A lot. I could have lost a lot of friends. I lost two. And both deaths were not the COVID. One was and the other one was just a heart attack. So, you know, this could have all been different. But for the first time, a long time, I'm fucking happy. And you people witness it. You people

could see it on my face. You could hear it in my voice and you could feel it in my heart. I don't have those things around me. They're making me unhappy. And I can't describe the feeling to you. I can't even fucking tell you. And I didn't even know. We don't even know what true happiness is. You know, little things don't bother me no more. The things that used to bother me don't bother me anymore. I have a tremendous relationship with my daughter.

Listen, yeah, I fucked up. I lost the daughter before. I ruined the wedding. Who hasn't? Who hasn't ruined the marriage with their behavior and drugs or whatever? If you haven't fucking ruined the marriage, then good for you. You know, Bon Jovi got it right the first time. A lot of us have to get married.

Yeah, he's the only guy that got it right the first time. He's been married since fucking slippery, when wet or whatever. But I'm talking about us as he, you know, I haven't fucking been happy, you know? I mean, all of us fucking make mistakes. I got the right wife. I'm having just a great time of my daughter, guys.

You know, the bus picks her up at 8.30. We all, like I get up at like seven. You know, we all do our own little things in the morning. But then we all huddle up before she goes to school and we talk and she talks me about her day and what her plans are going to be and who she's going to see. Today she was talking to me and she goes, oh, hold on one second. And she ran and she came back and put a little Dodger hat on. She's getting ready for the Dodgers tonight and shit. So, you know, things are good, man.

It's not about fucking being in movies. It's not about being on the fucking road. It's not about driving a Mercedes-Benz. if you're not generally happy, this shit ain't going to work. Listen, for the most part, in L.A., I was about 60% there. You know, I had to do shit to get me there,

but I was about 60% there. Here, I got to tell you guys, I'm 100% happy in all aspects, my relationships, my friends, what's going on with Mike, you know, just all this shit. The road, it'll be there forever. worried about the road. Philly, I'm going to miss you. I missed you last week. But I'll be down there

next year and we'll put it together at the Parks Casino and all the places where we schedule, whatever the fuck. I don't want to put anybody in danger. I don't want to make anybody feel like how I feel. When I go to a fucking restaurant, even if I'm sitting outside and somebody coughs, the hair on my next pop-up, and they should, you know, whatever. I can't imagine being inside a theater or being inside a comedy club. I do Vinnie's on. Wednesday, but it's what? 38 fucking people, nobody's going to get hurt. You know, they got the doors open,

we got some ventilation in there. Dino, Vinny is doing everything he can to make it safe in there. And I wouldn't go down there if he wasn't. If I went down and there was 100 people, I wouldn't fucking go up. I just wouldn't go up. You know, Bert was the one that told me he don't like doing inside stuff

because he did an inside gig and the guy packed it up. So no, I'm not packing it up inside. We'll do low numbers. I don't. I don't want to fucking do comedy outside. What am? I? A fucking magic act? It's 38 degrees is Friday night.

Comedy outside is over with. You know, the heater is temporarily. The heater is great until that wind comes off the fucking Hudson and knocks you off your fucking chair in November or December. So my comedy is done for November and December. I'm just doing, if you don't see me at Uncle Vinnie's, I'm not going anywhere. And every Wednesday I'm going to do Uncle Vinny's.

December is not in the cards yet. We don't know what's going to happen in December. But I'm doing tonight. and then I'm taking the first two weeks of November off, and then I'm going back on Wednesday nights. I hope that he has December open if things open up. I'm not having to finish a movie. Who knows what the fuck I'm going to have to do.

But that's all I want to tell you, motherfuckers, today. That for the first time it wasn't cocaine, for the first time it wasn't robbing somebody, for the first time it wasn't doing a show or opening for anybody or a particular movie. You know, it's like I told you last week that in Ellen, it's programmed for Disneyland to entertain your kids. Here, you know, we're programmed for the kids to entertain each other.

For years, I've been using, not using, but doing things that I thought would make me happy. To be genuinely happy inside is a fucking gift that it only happens a couple times in your fucking life. I mean, I don't remember being this happy at my wedding. I don't remember being this happy when I graduated in eighth grade. I don't remember being this happy because I got late. I don't remember being this happy at all.

This has just been a genuine happiness. And I want to thank you guys. I'm going to tell you, ooh, help me a lot in this. What process helped me a lot? Because remember, the podcast ended up on the 15th. Patreon. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. Thank you.

You asked the right questions. I answered the right fucking answers. You know, I looked at a video of Patreon and me in August. I was looking rough. I was beat up. I was fucking scared. I was confused. You know, I was a lot of fucking things.

Today, all I shed all that shit. I still got my fucking rash. You know, you can't get rid of the rash. I still got that ball rash. I still got the fucking, uh, fungill. I toe nail. You know, I got nails now. Can you fucking believe this? Look at this, cock suckers. I haven't bitten my fucking nails. How is that even possible? My daughter stopped using ketchup and I stopped biting my fucking nails. Can you believe this? I

stopped biting my nails. What the fuck possesses a person that's been biting his nail for 50 fucking years to stop biting his fucking nails. This has just been a tremendous fucking thing for me. So I thank you. And I want you to know that I made the right move. And I want you to know that I felt the support you gave me when I was moving and the kind emails and the kind messages and for watching my videos. I'm all so fucking proud of you motherfuckers that said, Joey, go to fuck away. You're too old. You're this, you're that. I just want honesty out of you people. I keep keep looking at this thing going. Jesus Christ,

this looks like a living tiramisu. Look at this. Only tiramisu can bring you this much fucking happiness. I don't even know what type of weed this is. This is, I don't even know. I don't want to say, because it might be the wrong weed, but, oh, I can't wait until I thought podcast.

You know what I'm saying? And that's it and that's that. You know, we go through all these fucking feelings. And when we get the right ones, we don't even recognize. that they're there. Like when we get the right feelings, I don't even know what that feeling is. I must be having anxiety. No. And that's why a couple weeks ago I just, fuck with the anxiety medication. Fuck all this shit. I'm going to bring myself to life on my own. I can't keep depending on this

anxiety medication. My sister was like, when you feel it in the afternoon, just take a half. And no, fuck that shit. See, I got caught up in that fucking, that bullshit. shit. People have been dealing with anxiety since the beginning of fucking life, breathing through their fucking nose, riding your bike, lifting weights. I'm going to do it the same way. And look, this is the fucking result. I'm so an ugly motherfucker. I'm still getting older. But you know what, man? There's nothing like fucking bringing up your own energy. Haven't gone acupuncture in a while. I haven't even found an acupunctrists here in LA in New Jersey. My friend says he's got a Chinese one for me. I'm ready to go.

Speaking of the Chinese people, I want to give a shout out to a Chinese dude who works at the male. He's a mailman with my little brother, Guy Tabasca, in the Seacoccus, New Jersey. Guy Tabasca always tells him about this little male man. He works to the Chinese dude that's a fan of the podcast. And while I remember here, I just want to let you know, I love Guy with all my heart. But I want to give a shout out to the Chinese mailman because he's always telling Guy shit about that I say on the podcast. And whatnot. I'm sure I'll get a call from Guy tonight saying,

what the fuck, Diaz? You got me in trouble with the Chinese mailman. Nah, he said you was your buddy. They listens to the show. So I might as well give him a fucking shout out. Who gives a fuck here? It's Wednesday, motherfuckers. It's September 28th.

We're coming up on Halloween. Guess what else I'm doing? I'm going to a Halloween fucking party. I'm dressing up. I don't know. You got to dress up by the fucking first initial of your name. So that means you. Joker, I'm gonna go as a jerk off.

I think I'm gonna paint myself as a dick with like fucking sperm on my neck. I don't fucking know. What else begins with Jay? Jerkoff, Joker, Jamoke. Maybe I could just be a fucking Jamoke. I don't fucking know.

Maybe I'd just go as Jose. That's what I think I was gonna go out. Put like a little mustache in and get like a little hat with some motherfucking Maracas and shit and walk in there and just talk Spanish to people. I was thinking about that. You know, listen, it's Halloween. When was the last time I dressed up for a fucking week?

Hold on, Joe. You want a Halloween mask? Put cellophane on your face. You ever see the sand for the sun when Ernest comes home with the Salafan? She goes, Honesta, I even got something for you. And he gave a little ball of saran wrap. She opened it up. She's like, Fred, what's this?

He goes, that's your Halloween mask. Put it on. We still got it. It's Wednesday. The 28th Halloween's come. that's it and that's that I just want to check it with you motherfuckers on a Wednesday morning

let you know I'm doing fine let you know it fucking worked and let you know I'm grateful for you motherfuckers for giving me a chance and for sticking it out with me today we broke the third wall we introduced Mike we know Mike's laughing on hearing shit

and little by little we're going to start zooming guest in and we're going to get this up and running how you want it I'm fucking glad I didn't start it in that bar because we found out something about the bar the other night. The other night we had company

and we came downstairs and we were just talking shit and I had my computer on, you know, with a computer sits downstairs. The TV was on and my wife put the heater on and the power went out. How about that? That's the first siren you've heard

in eight episodes. Remember in L.A.? You heard fucking sirens every fucking day? That's the first. siren that we've heard in the fucking month here. I haven't heard a helicopter. I'm getting PTSD from not hearing fucking helicopters in LA. That's how good it's been here. But I don't even know what the fuck I was saying. It's time to smoke this week. This fucking refa has broken my focus today. Thank God I took fucking Alpha Brain this morning. I got to thank them too because I got to be honest with you guys. Let me tell you what my logic.

was. My head and my heart was so fucked up before I left LA. I thought that doing the alpha brain would fucking work against me and make me get all fucked up. So thank God I stayed off the alpha brain until I moved into the house like I gave it 10 days. So I started my cycle of alpha brain like September 10th around there. I think it was a Monday. And here we are today, not even a month later and I'm thinking clearer. I'm sharper. You know what I'm saying? This ain't no fucking make-bull of you shit. My new mood at night that helps me lay down, relax a little bit more. You see him, you know, you can tell I'm a little more relaxed. I'm not agitated. I'm not given honest, on it a fucking push here. I'm just telling you the things I did to get to where

I am today. It was just a couple of things, but I knew getting out of LA. It was, one of them. Maybe right now you're feeling a little weird about your situation and stuff and you don't see things happening. I would have left LA five years ago, but I knew the hall across the country was, I didn't even want to think about doing it. Once I did it and once we got out of the way, the cats are fine, my family's fine, I'm fine, some stuff got broken, some stuff got lost, who gives a fuck? Everybody. his happiness is back. And that was the main purpose of this fucking trip.

We just weren't happy no more. You have to accept it sometimes, man, that sometimes you're just not happy. Whether it's in a marriage, it can be a fucking job that you have, it could be something that you do. It doesn't make you happy, you know? If it doesn't make you happy, don't keep doing it.

Don't add little substitutes, you know? I thought by adding a TV show, whatever was going to make me happy, no. What was going to make me happy was me getting out of there and starting from scratch again. Yeah, I miss my friends. I miss what I was doing, but it was time for a new fucking life. And I'm happy you guys got to witness me doing it from A to Z and didn't have to hear about it. You're witnessing it. You're seeing it. You're seeing all the videos. You look at it. I'm a different fucking person. I mean, we change every seven years anyway.

But as far as our insights, our insights stay the fucking same. unless we lessen or add more aggravation or whatever I'm not even getting agitated at the shit I used to no more doesn't matter to me no more these things I have no beefs with nobody I have no regrets with nobody I'm just trying to live my life being a better dad and being a better person and still trying to be funny

you know what I'm saying we're gonna be funny we'll have our day again in the fucking son but it won't be till this fucking shit's over with and then we'll go out there and do it fucking right. But in the meantime, you guys got me here twice a week. You got Patreon. We fuck around on Twitter. We do whatever we can.

You know, from time to time we'll release the fucking video to you motherfuckers. I'm here for you guys. But most importantly, I'm happy that you've been here for me because I couldn't have made this fucking run without you guys. Half the shit I do is to back up my fucking talk on these podcasts. After should I do. You know, I haven't gotten to White Castle yet. I know, I know.

I deserve a smack in the face from you people. I know I should deserve, I haven't gone to a white castle yet. I've been to fucking Carvel twice. You know, I was telling my wife, I can't believe. I haven't eaten Entemans yet. I know that I could just move here and die. I could die. I could last one month in Jersey.

All I got to do is open the valve. I got Levote's close to me. I got Shoprite close to me. I got everybody close to me. And they got all the good shit. They got chicken cutlets. They got everything I need to get fucking huge. I've been fucking towing the line from my health.

And so you guys could see it. I'm not fucking bullshit, you guys. I work hard. I work hard at all fucking ends. You know, I could just sit upstairs all day. I'm dying for one of those hostess apple pies. Jesus Christ, I used to eat eight of those a day. And nothing would happen.

If I eat an apple pie right now, my central nervous system would just sizzle and the fat was just spurt from everywhere. I can't, I won't even drink a fucking Coke. I mean, nothing. Nothing. I've been drinking water. If I do drink iced tea, it's Snapple fucking ice tea. The fucking, whenever I go get a slice, because, listen, I don't care what diet you're on.

You still got to eat a piece of pizza every day. There's a cheese slice around my, that's one thing about New Jersey, baby. I got my slice back. L.A. didn't understand the mentality of the slice. L.A., you walk into a plate. Let me get a slice. They put on a piece of paper. They got to give it to the Mexican.

the Mexican gives it back to year and they call your name. That's not a slice. Here is where you get a fucking slice. You walk in, let me get that one right there. The guy throws it at you. You give them the $2.

You get your snap when you're good to go. Let me tell you someone. A piece of fucking pizza here in Jersey is like a vitamin. It's like taking a vitamin. If you don't eat your pizza in Jersey, you didn't take your fucking vitamins today. And I haven't gone overboard.

I haven't had no shrimp parmesan, no chicken parmesan. Just a slice. Remember, a slice is like going to a fucking therapist. Just one slice. I grew up on a slice every day. All of a sudden you put me out there with these fucking granola eaters, and they don't know how to sell a slice of fucking pizza.

Here I just go around the corner, walk in, how are you doing? What's going on? Vote for me. Give me a slice. The other day, I went to vintage records, whatever, vinyl vintage over in Woodbridge. That's part of the fucking journey. You got a place next door, some little Mexicans. I think they got one Italian hidden in the back tied up.

He just gave him the recipe. He just goes in and takes them. The Mexicans are spitting our fucking slices that will fucking tremendous. So if you ever go to vintage vinyl and Woodbridge, like three doors down, they got a pizza parlor. Nice. Not the best. I'm not to, oh, bro, I can't find that fucking slice of pizza. It's just a slice of pizza.

It's very nice, very cheesy. The tomato sauce has got some wang to it. And it's tremendous. Whether you like it or now, we all got different days. But if you're not in New Jersey, anywhere, you can suck my dick. We're eating some fucking real pizza here. That's it and that's that. Uncle Joey's Dears' D's joint is fucking done with.

I'm happy you guys watch today. I'm happy you guys made it until Wednesday. And I'll see you motherfuckers tonight at Uncle Vinnie's. Again, thank you for everything you've done for me. And I'll keep doing my thing here too. but this just goes to show you, man. You could have 20 girlfriends, you can have 18 Porsches, you could have money in the bank and not be happy.

It's the simple things that sometimes make you happy that we overlook. Don't overlook the simple things in your life. Little things. Just squeezing my daughter, tell him my wife I love her, you know, go get a piece of cheese pizza with Jimmy Florentine and his son. You know, it's the little things that I missed when I was living out there. And I put these back into my life.

And here we are today. A lot happier, a lot better. And guess what? If I'm happy, I'm going to be fucking funnier. So pay attention. You know, I'm going to be doing some podcasts in the next couple weeks. I'm going to be doing history hyenas with my boys. I'm going to be doing fucking Ryan Sickler's again.

I got a couple podcasts on tap. So I'll be around. motherfuckers. I love you. Thank you very much for watching and thank you very much for being a part of Uncle Joey's joint. All right. Thank God we didn't move out to the bar with all that drama. We're right here. We got some nice lighting. We got Bruce. We got Sid the Squid. We got my man Joe Rogan. We got Charlie B. And we got ACDC covering the fucking nut. And that's it and that's that. I love you guys. Have a great week. a message from our sponsors. That was a blast today.

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