The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #010 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: November 4, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew & Lucy.CO..... Go to www.bluechew.com enter CODE: JOEY Go to www.lucy.co enter CODE: JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/JoeyDiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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Enjoy it. Hey! Look who it is. What's happened? What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Wednesday.

November Fort, whatever the fuck it is. Hopefully it's you know who, you're not going to know who won till fucking next week. So calm the fuck down, hold on to the American flag, and jump up and down at home. It's

Wednesday, cocksuckers. It's a beautiful day to be alive. The fort. Is it the fort? Yeah. Because I got a fucking doctor's appointment today at some time. I just got a double check. I'm going to call them 20 minutes. Where are you, Mr. Diaz?

It's a great day. We're here. We're queer. I'm a little sorry about Sunday's podcast. I was a little off kilter. I brought my personal business into the podcast. But I got to tell you something. That's what my podcast is about to vent to you guys and to let you know what the fuck is going on in my world. And what I'm seeing is I'm walking these fucking streets. But we're good. We're feeling good. We're happy. Everything is there. The confusion is out. I took one more fucking step. There's no Uncle Vinnie's this week because I don't know people hitting themselves in the head with bats tonight.

Uncle Vinny's a resume on the 18th wants to smoke clears and everybody's finished jumping up and down. If they even jumping down. I mean, they prepared these fucking cities up. They got everything boarded. In my world, you're telling me you fucking surrendered your city.

You know, I'm a governor, I'm a senator. I'm putting national guards. troops, helicopters, squats, squats. I'm getting them all in fucking buildings and I'm letting people know we got no time to cause chaos. We got no time to hurt people more. We got no time to break into businesses and loot.

People have heard enough. Let's get through this fucking election. Let's maintain our fucking balls as fucking Americans. And this will come back. This ain't just gonna, you know, people think, oh, I voted. things are going to go back to normal.

No, motherfucker. Just because you voted and you got that little stick around your fucking t-shirt don't mean you just voted and you're going to change civilization. You got to change it from fucking within. You got to start with your fucking house and cleaning your fucking house because it's what really happens behind closed doors anyway, right? I mean, you say little things behind closed door to your wife.

Behind closed doors, you fucking come on your wife's hand and made a smear on their face. So we all do different things behind our fucking doors. We have to start changing how we act and how we speak, even in our own homes. Because that's going to make you go out there, you know, all these people running for different things. I'm talking about social and equality in our system, you know, systematic racism. It does exist. It does exist.

And if you don't think it does, you're fucking, it exists in a mild way. but even a mild, heavy, medium, it exists. And at times, I've been part of the problem myself by cracking stupid jokes and fucking ha-haz and he-hies and whatnot. We all get a good laugh out of it, but it's still a little bit on the systematic racism side. And I've never gone through it, you know, whatever. I could, I wipe my ass with racism.

If you got something to say about my race, I really don't give two Frenchmen's fuck. But when we were living in LA, my wife heard a few things, and it was disturbing to her. And if disturbs her, that means it disturbs white people. That means white people would be in shock if they fucking heard what they had to hear about to school. But anyway, we're done with all that.

I am very happy that you watched the documentary, and I am happy that Dave, Mike Binder, put that documentary out for the world. I could add 100 critiques, but I have zero. I have none. Why? Because it told our story for us. It vindicated what we had been saying on the podcast for years,

and it showed you of what we did have down there. It was a fucking clubhouse for boys and girls. We were free to do whatever the fuck we want. And I took more advantage as though freedoms than anybody. That's why I'm doing what I'm doing on stage for the because I'd take fucking chances. And who taught me how to take chances?

The comedy store. If not I'd go up there, would end him up my ass and recite the same fucking 16 words for you every fucking night. You couldn't do that at the store. And if you watch the last episode, they brought up what happened with me

and how Binder said Joey Diaz handled it fucking perfectly. Listen, you couldn't cancel me if your mother came back from the fucking grave. You know why? Because I've told you everything there is to cancel me. There might be a few things here and there, but you're still not going to cancel me over them

because they were done over 20 fucking years ago. And like we say, we change every seven years. So if you don't see that for what it is, I don't want you watching a fucking podcast. Go do whatever the fuck you were doing. Go listen to Adam Carolla and jump up and down and buy into that shit. you fucking real here. I'm selling you fucking truth here. And I'm selling you a little bit of

funny from time to time. You know what I'm saying? As you can tell, my eyes are cleaned. No refa. I got a little high last week with the fucking edibles. I went to a tremendous football party that I forgot to mention to you guys on Monday. I got so much on my plate. You know, I'm getting older. My long-term memory, I can remember who snorted 10 lines of coke in 1986. But I can't remember what I had for lunch on some days. So I'm sorry. I went to a new... I've been going to this...

The Florentines have a Sunday fucking football tradition. They got a few pizzas, some chicken wings, some shrimps. The main game is the Miami Dolphin game. That's when they go nuts. And they have a bunch of characters over there. Listen, it's not that no women are allowed. It's that no women would want to listen to that shit. because it's a constant fucking, you know, that we talk about everything.

We cover all the bases from politics to pussy to fucking racism. Everybody gets a smack on the face on those Sundays, you know what I'm saying? And it's in the funniest way and it's innocent as fuck. And it just reminds me of the people I grew up with. Like there was one point, I got the picture on my fucking phone that's hysterical. One of the guys that was there thought it would be funny. And when Jimmy went into the bathroom, he got outside the bathroom, balls ass naked. Jimmy opens the door to expect like a room full of guys.

And here's a guy fucking naked. How much did we laugh? If that was to happen in L.A., oh my God, call 911. No, it's not all, not everything is a Lewis C.K. type of fucking move. Some people just want to shock you with your dick. But when I told the dear friend of mine from the day before, he was like, That's where you got that shit from as a kid. Every neighbor in Jersey had a guy that chase you with his balls or his dick out.

You're looking at it. I started that shit early in front of Hatchewish Deli when I was 16 fucking years old. I'm just whipping out my balls. Then when I got to the comedy store, it was the alternative. When you're not funny, you got to make it funny. If a fart is funny, make it funny. If pulling out your balls, the clothes and set out is fucking funny, it's funny. it's funny that's what funny is whatever the fuck you put together and contrive if you get on your

floor and oh spread your ass and put a lighter up your ass and start farting and those gastric flames come out and they go and people laugh hey i'm sorry it's fucking funny when uh what's his name gallagher used to go up there with watermelons and smash them and fucking we're getting to everybody's thing some people didn't agree with galaga's comedy like the guy said on the documentary. If you watch it today, it's pretty fucking brilliant because he controlled his own destiny. He didn't give a fuck if you got hit with a watermelon through the fucking face. That's just the way fucking life is. And that's what the life of a stand-up is. And they really, really broke it down of what was going down there. And the most important thing that was going down there, it wasn't

the drugs, it wasn't to drinking, it wasn't to sex. There was two things that were happening down there that'll never, ever, ever come back in comedy for a while. The state of comedy was, we were on a level of 10 there and the camaraderie we had there. Like they said, as soon as you walked out of the car, you were greeted by a doorman, you threw them a fucking tip, you walked into the bar. I didn't drink, you got a fucking water, right? You got yourself a little water. You mingled with two or three comics, said, hello. You hadn't seen them. They told you about a club they were going to.

You asked them how the owner was. If he's still a fucking Cokehead, should I cancel the week? And then you went back there and you proceeded to do either one of Sam Tripley's rooms. You went to the original room, Jeremiah Boss Gang, whatever's name is Jeremiah Watkins, ran a room upstairs. You know, it was just a time to be there. But it was also a time to be there when they described in the early beginning, when there was nobody there

when Tupac had a shoot out there one night when they had metal detectors at the door. I mean, by the time I got there, there was no more metal detectors at the door. But can you imagine? Metal detectors at a comedy club. What the fuck? Went wrong there.

But then it lightened up over the years and I had an opportunity to get my education and comedy, like Jimmy Schubert said, it really is a four-year college. and it's not just a four-year college where you major in one thing. You measure in the art of comedy. Let's pretend you dated somebody at the store against Mitzie's wishes, and you and that fucking woman broke up.

He would make you follow her and she follow you for the rest of the two years. Was she playing games here? Yeah, she was playing games of you, but she was also teaching you how to take an emotion out of comedy. You're about to shake the hand of a chick who just blew eight guys, in a fucking condo in Cincinnati, and you have to actually shake your hand, say, let's keep it going one more time for this woman,

and be a gentleman about it. You can't go up there and say, let's keep it going for the chick who cheated on me with eight different cocks, and now I got foam coming out of my mouth. I might not be able to perform for the next 15 minutes. Nobody says that. You're professional, and that's what she taught you.

She taught you professionalism, how to act. know, Mitzie was a fucking character, man. Sunday nights up there, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know she was going to tell me to grow a beard and come out as Fidel Castro next time. She wanted me to put handcuffs on and come out on stage, like a fucking prisoner who, you know, they even mentioned it in the fucking doc that she would say things from time to time that you would go, oh, Mitzie's going deep. We won't talk to her no more.

Hopefully by next Sunday, she'll forget she even brought that shit up. So that's what was great, you know. The Carlos Monsia, Joe Rogan thing, at first I didn't like that they tapped on it. But then we had a tap on it because it was a major point of the store. People turned, people got pissed,

people's feelings got hurt, but it was a long time coming for, Carlos and I love Carlos. I have nothing, I have no will to Carlos. I've known Carlos since 1993. And the joke lifting stuff followed him. It followed his reputation. And it got to the point where it was a little out of control. And in my world, I had no ill will for Carlos, but so many people were angry at Carlos at the time. I'm like, guys, you're barking up the road. wrong tree. Just stab them at the comedy store. The comedy store has all those wings and all those fucking tunnels and shit like that. Stab them there. I don't fucking know what to tell you. I got surgery

one night. I wasn't at the store. And that's when that whole thing went down with Carlos. One night, Joe Rogan was a hero. And three days later, he was a zero. And it wasn't right. I stopped going down out of solidarity. I had had enough of that place. Not to mention, I didn't want the fucking talent coordinator in one of the comics to go flying out the window. So I didn't need that in my life at the time. So we moved the fuck on. And in 2014, when that fucking shit had got fired,

Adam called me like a man. He goes, I'd like for you to start coming down here. It took me about a week to think about it, to think about my loyalties and what was going on. And then I'm like, what loyalty? I'm a fucking comic. They're providing the stage. they're providing $15 and I get a chance to work at what I'd love.

I mean, why not? At the best place in the fucking world, you know. The other day I was talking about the Netflix thing, and that was my biggest mistake for Netflix when I shot that special. I could have gone out there a fucking killer. But instead of going to the store every night, I thought that if I would travel and try my material on different people, I would see the results.

how it affected different people. I don't need to fucking find the result how it affects different people. I have to make the material funny. And if I would have gone to the store six nights a week, Adam would have let me work that 25-minute set till the end.

I would have been a different fucking comic for that. But hey, hindsight is 2020. What are you going to do? Now I'm trying to find my voice, which is whether trying to find it on the podcast, whether trying to find it in comedy, it's both the same. The Patreon is good.

I have started. I've actually, you're not going to believe this because I know we're either going to get locked down or it's going to be a cold summer. I've actually started separating the chapters in the book.

And I think I'm going to work out of deal with them or I'm just going to write a chapter and send them one every week and let him carve it up. And that's the best way to do. Start November and go all the way. the fucking, you know, the first week of January,

second week of January. There's not much going to be happening here. It's going to be cold. I'm not interested in doing any shows. I'm not interested in going out. I just, in fact, I'm waiting for a COVID result. But it's been five days. So I've shown no symptoms.

I could be asymptomatic. But hopefully by the time I finish this podcast, I'll check my fucking hot mail. And bam, that'll be my little result. You're negative and we can move on to bigger and better things. Not that I'm going to go to a fucking a mosh pit and start jumping up and down and breathing on people. You know what I'm saying? Those motherfuckers, there's no more mosh bits are there?

Shit, that's the number one thing that got that and fucking midgets in the head. You know what I'm saying? Nobody wants COVID from getting in trouble with one of that shit. So I'm sure marsh pits are all the live shows are over. What the fuck was I thinking? What kind of question is that? But I couldn't fucking believe those marsh pits after a while. I had never participated in one.

They came out after my fucking thing. But I'll tell you, it'd be nice to do a marsh pit with like nail boards to your legs. So when you're bump into people, you're like, here are my hands. I couldn't have stabbed you. And they're like, why the fuck am I bleed from my leg? And meanwhile, you got like a strap of fucking nails,

popping up from everywhere and just an idea of people you don't have to take this shit it's just my thing of uh having fun having a good time but like i said this this week i had a tough choice to like i was like wow the podcast isn't sounding how i liked it to sound well we broke the third wall we included mic as much as we can and whatnot and i got other ideas coming i got some better ideas coming we're going to stay in the studio hopefully we have our first Zoom guests tonight. And we can do a wrap around and have it for you Monday morning. We're going to start doing a couple of Zoom guests.

Just to just switch it up a little bit. Until we find the right combination. And once we find the right combination, we're off and running bitches. I mean, right now we're doing this a la fucking Apple. You know what I'm saying? Apple is responsible for everything except for the fucking hinges and whatnot. We're doing this with two iPhones.

He's got a big Mac. And this is just done from balls and heart. You know what I'm saying? We come in here and get a big crew and whatnot. What's the difference? All I'm trying to get the message across to you is that, listen, no matter what situation is going on in your life, you can wipe your fucking ass with it.

You move forward. I've been in worst situations. This ain't shit. You know what I'm saying? For you motherfuckers who, I spoke to somebody yesterday. I said, where are you been all day? He goes, I've been trying to get online, trying to get my unemployment.

All these, I go, are you still waiting for fucking unemployment since March? That bank has dried the fuck up. I think they're sending out checks from time to time. But if you don't get unemployment by now, I mean, how many hours have you spent the unemployment on that fucking phone? How many hours have you spent on that computer? Can you imagine if you were taking that time and done something in the positive? You'd have been three quarters of the way there. Fuck unemployment.

business to answer the phone. They fucking pick. And you ever get picked up by them? They put the jingle music on. Then it hangs up and you got to start all over after you've been on hold for 30 minutes. It's a system to fuck with you. That's why I can't always hated anything to do with bureaucracy. You just can't retire. You just can't wake up when dangle. You know what? Today is the day I'm fucking retiring. Oh no. You got to go down to Social Security, provide this, provide that. Oh, you're only 57 so you gotta wait to your 60 and you everything is fucking holding our fucking money stop holding our fucking money it's our fucking money what's the big fucking deal we want it now i got to sign 22 fucking pieces of paper just to get a small fucking 20 my friend said he had a gold bond his grandmother

gave him when he was like four and he went to cash and the FBI showed up like what the are you fucking crazy you paid 20 bucks for it in 1950 it's worth something today Lay it on me, do the fucking mat, take out your little fucking commission and let's do it. No, they gave them like a notebook of questions and answers. Where did they buy it? I don't know. How the fuck do I know where they bought it? It was 19-60 when they fucking bought it.

I'm thinking of cash it in now for my fucking daughter, and now I got to play fucking jeopardy with you cock-suckers about letting you know where and how and who. Here it is. How I got it, I don't fucking know. My grandmother gave you. You want my grandmother's name? you my grandmother, put it in there.

My uncle, whoever the fuck gave it to you. They even give you a hard time about savings bonds. 20 years ago, they were saved, every other commercial invest in the future.

Savings bonds. All of a sudden, they fucking stop. And I'm thinking to myself, these motherfuckers are going to pocket out fucking safety bond money. Thank God I kept

like two of those motherfuckers. And recently I said, let's see what the fuck's going on with them. Oh, my wife sent me a thing back. You got to fill out this whole questionnaire.

When you got it, why you got it? I got it. I got it on my first commune. I don't fucking know when I got it. I just got it. That's all I fucking know, you know. If it ain't one thing, it's a fucking another. But here we are. Election week, nobody knows nothing. People ain't spending a dime because we can't decide what the fuck we're going to spend. Either we're going to get hit with a tax bill or get hit with a bomb from China. We're getting hit with something. Don't think that it's fucking just going to be easy, Preezy here from the walking on end. But listen, we prepared for this. None of this should

fucking surprise you. I know half of years followed my tune. Maybe you didn't to stop watching the news. Forget about CNN. That's horror international between the Cuomo brothers and fucking little dude with the blonde haircut. They're in business just to scare you. Just the tone of their fucking voices. You know, Anderson Cooper, you know, Anderson Cooper can't break an egg to make himself a sandwich, but he could put fear into your hearts like nobody I've ever ever seen seen before in my life. So CNN is off. CNN's been off in my house for months. TV is off. I'm not even going to look at that. I know my wife, she's a fucking political pika. She'll be up there looking like the computer. I don't know what's going on. I haven't looked at anything today.

Then you hit it with a question and she becomes Johnny the parrot. She won't show you. shut the fuck up. You got to hit it one time to talk and two times to shut the fuck up. It's amazing. But that's what I live with on a daily life. And my wife ain't, my daughter ain't no silent bird either. Jesus Christ, I forgot what I called her A-Bull. I used to call her A-Ball because it was always an unleashing, but I got to tell you something, guys. She has come a long fucking way. You know, my wife took her yesterday at like 10 o'clock. Beautiful day in New Jersey. yesterday. Maybe in the high 40s, a little wind. But guess what? Vitamin D's dick was out. He's out there shining just coming on you with vitamin D. What's the number one fucking thing they're

telling you to take for this COVID? It's vitamin D. You could take some, get some, you know, externally from the sun. I got a rumor in this fucking house. I got a rule and it even goes for me. The rule is if it's sunny outside and there's no penguins, you're out of the house. Even if I sit on the balcony with a notebook, I'm always trying to absorb vitamin D. Now, I'll tell you why, because in two months, this neighborhood is going to be a fucking, it's going to look like a fucking Alaska. Because even if there's no snow on the ground, just the air is going to be petrified from the cold weather. You can tell.

It doesn't take a genius. I'm no meteorologist. I don't wear a fancy suit. My name ain't Johnny Storm, but I will tell you that fucking, it's going to be cold. And there's not going to be no outside living. Patreon, you guys are probably going to love it

because I'm going to send your tapes of me whacking off, taking shits, wiping my ass. It's going to be boring as fuck. I might as well, video, video, video. What the fuck's the difference at this point? Hopefully, if the numbers go down, we'll continue. We'll add a guest. You know, first we'll start with the fucking Zoom, work it into there.

And if the numbers go down, listen, I got nothing against getting great guests on here. And I'm in the New York City area. I got the best guests in the world, my friends. My friends will tell you the other half of this fucking saga that we went through. You know, and it was a saga. It was funny because last night I had a hard time sleeping. Just me on my own. I took my fucking melatonin.

I took my fucking, uh, kiki, kiko, kiko, kiko tincture. I smoked a joint of whatever fucking killed Dean Martin. And, uh, what else did I take? That was it. About 11.30, I was tired. This daylight savings thing is, uh, you know, you get a little tired.

I had a great workout yesterday. I walked around with, fucking mercy. I had a lot of my mind. I'm trying to take out what's not and what's not important. This thing writing takes a lot out of you, especially when you're not a fucking writer. And what the fuck was I saying? I even forget what the fuck I was talking about. And I, uh, who knows what I did? I just relaxed and I, uh, huh? Got fucked up. No, I didn't get fucked up this week too.

much. No, I've been good. Guys, I've been telling you that I've been good. Other times when I'm supposed to take an edible, like, there's nights. I'm like, wow, I didn't take an edible today. I'll tell you what I didn't have. I haven't been on that fucking calanapan shit and didn't make a difference in my world. I feel a lot better. I think that those pills were actually fucking inciting anxiety in me, because I'll tell you what, I had a regular Americano cup of coffee this morning. Not Americano with the hot water in it. Who to fucking throws hot water in that coffee? What's wrong with you diluted?

What type of pussy are you? That's the shit you find at Starbucks, which I haven't stepped footing, and I ain't planning on going back in there. Not when you got motherfucking dunking donuts in the area, and they got that liquid fucking speed, that Arab juice. That's what Arab is drinking,

instead of fucking, what's white people drink to get energy? Five-hour energy or red blood? Or red blood? I had a Red Bull. Go fuck yourself. Why do you think these Arabs are non-stop? You ever go to 7-11 at 8 in the morning? You come back at midnight, the same guy's there?

What do you think? He wants to be there? Fuck, no. He's got nowhere else to go. He drank that fucking Brazilian bold. He can't sit down even if he wants to. That hemorrhoid will launch him. You understand me?

As soon as he sits down, the hemorrhoid will lunch right out of his ass. And that's the last time you'll see poor Habib. at fucking wah-wah or 7-Eleven. I'm digging the wah-waz in Jersey. Jersey shout out, you bad motherfuckers. Jersey's got a lot of great shit here. Jersey really does. Listen, I make a fucking right down the corner from my house

and I got everything from Hobby Lobby to Bill's Wild Wings to fucking sun tanning places. It's like a whole new fucking world down here. And it's on my fingertips, man. I don't have to go up north anymore. you know, numbers are going up up north in big ways. We all knew this is going to happen with the flu. Once you incorporate the flu, I think the first person tested positive for the flu and COVID.

But again, you know what? I wear my mask. I do my social distancing. I wash my ass. I wash my balls. How about if you fucking touch your balls and you got COVID? Then you wash your hands. You don't know.

Your nuts sacks got COVID. Then you're dip. them in your girlfriend's mouth. Now she's coughing like three days fucking later. You know what I'm saying? She's not going to want to go to the doctor and say, I got COVID from sucking balls. So wipe everything. That's a great thing about fucking manscape. They have those little pouches, the little nut wag. You put them in your wallet like an old condom. And if you're going to meet an encounter, if you feel that there's a bush and a woman is hiding in it and you want to have your helmet ready, whip, pip, you wipe the helmet off. She swallows fucking gold.

no COVID and everybody moves on happy. I don't even know how we got on this subject, but fuck it while we're on it. Wash your hands, social distance, and keep your fucking mask on. And if you don't want to put your mask on, I don't give a fuck either. I ain't mad at you.

I don't get mad at the non-maskers or whatever. I don't give a fuck. Just don't come up to me and ask me for a fucking picture and stay the fuck away from me because if you don't want to wear a mask six feet, you might as well stay 20 feet from me. And 20 feet from me means that. I can't hear whatever the fuck you're saying, which is even better.

You know what I'm saying? So do yourself a favor. You know, if you don't want to wear a mask, hey, this is America, Jack. You don't have to do nothing if they tell you. They tell you to lock it down. You don't want to lock it down. Don't lock it down. I don't give a fuck.

I wouldn't get mad at you. I'm not here to pay your bills. And they're not here to pay your bills. You pay your fucking bills. I spoke to a guy the other day because if they lock it down again, I'm staying open. I'm buying fucking. explosives and I'm staying open. Good. You know, I don't give a fuck. I got nothing mad about you. As long as you wear a mask, allow three or four people in your store at one time and you're not over here fucking, you know,

fucking exposing to fucking COVID. I'm not mad at you. I'm not looking to shut down people's livelihoods. They shut down my livelihood. You don't see me upset. You don't see me crying. You haven't had a fucking beep out of me. Because. I know when I come back, I'll come back that much better. Yeah. It's taken me a little while to find a voice. Podcasts, stand up. But who gives a fuck?

I know that if I keep showing up, you know, I could have told Mikey this morning. Mike, I didn't like Monday's podcast too much. I have to revamp it. I have to revive it. There's no revamping. There's no rewriting. There's no nothing. There is doing.

You do. There's no, you know, you go to like a train. grade school and you're like in the third year and they're doing the same thing well today we're going to put wire on the wall you know you know what i really want my degree from here but i really should be making 1250 a fucking hour because that's what i should be doing i should i really should be going for a fucking union job or something like that it's the same thing i've never been much for the fucking books to learn how to do something that you could do by doing you don't teach a mechanic doesn't learn well today they do because everything is electronic and connected to a

fucking diagnostic fucking plug that goes in your car and tells you everything that they need to hear where the week what's not what about the guys from 30 years ago that would tell you to start your car and they would just put their ear and go it's a timing belt you know you're like what the fuck I didn't hear nothing yeah and then all of them they're selling you a fucking timing belt and your car's right I believe I don't believe those guys. I like by doing. I don't believe by fucking reading a book, 10 books. Last night somebody asked me about stand-up comedy on Patreon, and I explained to him.

I said, number one, you gotta get Judy Carter's book. Just to see the basics. Just to see the basics. Number two, I want you to watch Stand Up 101. Bill Hicks, whatever he's got, George Carlin, whatever he's got, and Richard Pryor, whatever he's got. he's got. Put the notebook next to you, take notes and see what you want. When you first begin comedy, like when I first start the podcast, when I first started stand-up, you always emulate someone else. You emulate someone else until you find your fucking voice. It could take 10 episodes, it could take 10 times on stage. It could take, you know, ladies, how long was it until you started sucking a good dick? You didn't just,

were born and just became 18 and just grabbed that fucking knob and did it. At first, you were a little scared. It tasted funny. It needed pepper. You know, you didn't know what the fuck to think. Now you're 30. You're sucking dick like an amateur. You're just grabbing that fucking pipe and doing the same with us. We went down on you the first time. We looked at that thing like, wow. What the fuck did I get in myself? It's got like a little whistle. It's got a hole. It's got hair coming out from the bottom like a little dragon.

But then you lick it once, you lick it again, then you meet the girl that tells you do me a favor, stop. Open up that fucking monkey. You see that little grape right there? Suck that motherfucker until it burst, and they ain't got no seeds in it. And bam, you became a better pussy either. Nobody fucking becomes anything good overnight.

And, you know, I was a little down on myself Tuesday about the morning podcast. I rattled. I was all over the place. No more guys. We're going to keep tightening this shit up. And hopefully, by next Monday morning, we'll have our first fucking Zoom guest,

and then we'll start adding Zoom. And hopefully as the numbers go down, we'll get another camera, another mic, because I know what the answer is to this podcast. I really know what the answer is. I'm not going to tell you what it is, but I really know what the answer is to this podcast. It's just a cunt air away,

and we're going to fucking put it together together. together. Just the can't tear away like Mike just did. And let's say, you know, women's hair, little pussy, they have that little Chinese hat. Me, you go for one of my bald hairs, it's gray. You're going to need like a tug of fucking, you're going to need like three, three American, these Iraqi soldiers to pull fucking gray hair out of my dick. It's like the ones on my eyebrows. I trim the other ones.

They go zzz. When they hit the fucking white hair, he goes, zh, that, those are the fucking cords of life. That's 57 years. is sperm, bubble gum, bad weather, stress, whatever the fuck you want to call it, you bad motherfuckers. But we're here with queer. If you're on Patreon, I hope you're enjoying the album of the week. I'm not giving you albums that you want to hear.

I'm giving you the albums that influenced me to make me who I am the fucking motherfucker today that's doing podcast in front of a fucking iPhone. Who's better than me? I got two iPhones here. We're making it fucking work. for you, all right? Everybody else is sitting there, well, we need 330,000 to get the studio going. Yeah, but you got Kelly Clarkson. Have you watched Kelly Clarkson's daytime show?

Don't get a rope yet. Oh my fucking God. And I love Kelly Clarkson. She got a great voice. I cheered for her on fucking that show when she was on. They gave her a daytime show. Why are you giving these singers daytime shows? They're right there. She had usher on the I watched her. She was asking creepy questions. By now, the show is over. You can tell us she didn't want to be there. Usher would much rather be at a fucking funeral dancing and singing or the fuck they do. You know, Usher didn't want to be there. How is your show going to be in Vegas of 2021? Bitch, haven't even gotten a COVID test yet. And you're asking me about 2021. What the fuck is wrong with these people? But little by little, you guys are seeing who are the masters of your fucking reality.

It's the Burr's, it's the Rogans, it's the Tim Dillens, it's the fucking, you know, Whitney Cummings. All these people's podcasts influence you. They open up their hearts for you, they open up their minds for you. And now as comedians and not as fucking, you know, you got all these guys that sit there and watch videos. And they criticize Whitney and criticize these people. there's people, bro, you know what? We did something you'll never do. You're probably some trust fund kid. You tried stand-up. Didn't work out for you. You tried a couple and other things. Now you and some of your partners get together and chop down stand-ups for what we say,

whatever, listen, all you need to do is watch the comedy store documentary. That was a journey for the most of us. The other night of you on my Patreon, I post the schedule from 1998. That's 22 years ago. Any of you motherfuckers still doing the same thing you were doing 22 years ago? I doubted.

And I was already six years in, maybe six or seven years in. So before you put on your little fucking stupid video and think that you're the shit, you're nothing but a trust fund little fucking cunt that at fucking private school, they would all fuck you in the ass and giggle at you. Now you got a few dollars.

Your grandmother died, that fucking jerk off. She's probably sucking dicks in hell. And she left you a little money. And now you got the right to sit there all day and talk about people. I wish I had that fucking right. You know what I'm saying? But the good thing about us is we have something to back that up with. And you'll never have that in your fucking life.

None of years that think that's cute of putting Whitney down or Chino Santino or Bobby Lee, we did something. We committed to something. You committed to the fucking low road by sitting there and saying things and thinking that you're fucking cool. And then you expect to walk around the rest of the elect that this isn't going to come back and bite you in the ass, my friend. My friend, you have no fucking idea how life comes back.

You don't need to go after people, you know, I don't need to wish wrong on people. I really don't. At this age, it's just giving people a rope and wait till they fucking hang themselves. It's a beautiful thing to watch because I don't know what the fucking point of what you're doing is. We're all fucking made guys.

We all fucking did something, you know? I didn't win an Academy Award and I didn't set out to do it. I didn't win a fucking Grammy or an Emmy, but I didn't set out to do it. All I wanted to do is be a part of something. For some people, it's next. You go up there and get your little pussy fucked by a four-eyed fucking worm, that cock sucker.

I've been watching that, too. How stupid are you to join nexium? What happened? They threw you out of Scientology, you dumb fucks? What is wrong with you fucking people? What is the hole in your heart that you want to get together with a bunch of fucking strangers to jump up and down and give some fucking guy a bunch of your fucking money to learn basic life classes? What the fuck were your parents there for?

For what? to just talk to you and incur, you got a fucking trophy. You came in 12th. What the fuck do you care? If I come in 12th in my house, my mother takes that trophy and sheds it up my ass. And next time you better come in ninth.

The next time you better come in 8th. And the next time you better come in 4th. The next time you come in fucking first. What type of parent are you that your fucking kid has a void that joins Nexium, Scientology, fucking, uh, the fucking, uh, the cult of yon. with that stinky fucking hummus eater with a little fucking,

he basically wore a face mask, like we're wearing now on his nutsacked and touch you. And fucking taught yoga to these poor fucking people in Los Angeles. And that just goes to show you. All that nexium and all that Scientologist and all that fucking creepy yoga, where is the center of all that? In Weaknessville, Los Angeles, California. love you and you're great and you guys did great for my career and I had a great time while I was

there but I was surrounded by those people and that's a different fucking way of being what's the where we're looking for not degenerate but not greedy but uh you know I forget that fucking word constantly but what are you going to fucking do? I got still out in Europe doing that shit too. What's his thing? He's still out in Europe doing that yoga shit. Yeah, no, he's in Mexico now That motherfucker in Bicrom And nobody will go get him

I'm hoping one of you fucking white parents To go down there And beat the fuck out of him Drag him back by the ponytail And put him in fucking America Doing that shit He had 800, 900 people But that's the people in LA do

They take that little weak spot Yeah, and they fucking exploit it Whether it's Scientology I mean, you gotta watch the one But next one by Catherine Oxenberg's daughter Funny thing was I did a movie with Catherine Oxenberg and her husband from Space. What's the name of that show?

Some movie that came out that fucking White America loved. I love it with basketball great. Space to some of the fuck gives her fucking Catherine. It was very nice. I did one of those Disney Dog or Halloween movies, whatever or something. And she was spectacular. I'm sure the girls are there as young girls.

I just didn't really get to know them. but it makes you think as a parent, what fucking voids do I have to fill in my kid so they don't end up in nexium, fucking listen to some four-head fucking faggot, tell them stories about, you know, your next level in life. Your next level in life,

the only one that's going to take you there is you. I'm going to pay you $18,000 and go to Albany and fucking freeze. There's not even Chinese food in Albany. No disrespect, but you got nothing up there in Albany. But cold weather, Lee was up there for two days. He was like, oh my God, yeah, anyway. But if you get a chance, watch the next day of fucking disgust parade, you know,

nothing new to the Harvys, nothing new to all the other shit that goes on out there. And that's also been an interesting thing to watch because as apparent, you've got to look and say, wow, what fucking hole did I leave in my, child's heart for them to hang out with a bunch of fucking jerks i had a friend in l a great fucking friend she used to uh the desperation that's what makes you do this shit she had a business i was forgetting i love her the death i've been friends with her for over 20 years we all met through ralphie may but she had a thing called where like you would put like a vacation destination up, Greece.

And all these strangers would sign up. And you'd have to go to Greece with 20 strangers in a book on a plane. And she would take pictures and send them back to me. And I'm like, those are the loneliest motherfucking people I have ever seen in my life that they got to take a fucking plane to meet with people. But then again, maybe their social misfits, maybe they're not well socially. Maybe they just really want to meet. You know, there's people out there that really, I want to meet new and adventurous people.

Give me a fucking break. Okay, you want to meet an adventure guy? Go down and talk to the guy who runs a bodega. He's got stories of life that you've never fucking heard before. You know, it's just so weird coming from L.A. And remembering all the things. Like, I had a friend in 2004, married chick, straight up. you know, I respected it with all my heart.

She had picked up a show. She had done one of the shows I was on, Colcase. And she was picked from a showcase. They did a showcase up at a theater, and the producers from Colcase were there, and they used it for the episode. Mind you, she never had a credit before that, and I think she never got a credit after that.

But she took that episode, a Colcase, and ran with it and gave it to the episode, Latinos Association and they voted as one of the best episodes on CBS and CBS got an accolade for fucking, uh, for, uh, you know, having Latinos on and whatnot. And, but what I didn't know at the time was that this girl was happily married with kids and she was having a fair with a, with a producer at the time was, and we'll close with this. I know you guys got things to do with people to see. She was fucking a guy on the side that was a little producer.

He was starting to get some steam. You know, my friend that was with him was around 37, married, nice body, really pretty girl. The producer was around 40. But if you know anything about those disgusting people in L.A., They were always trying to nail the 21, 22 year olds as they get off the bus to fucking start them. They try to fill them with sperm and throw their head off for a while. And well, guess what happened? While he was dating my friend, he embarked in one of the biggest franchises in the world.

Think of franchises of movies. I'm not going to give you a name, but think of huge. huge franchises. I'm talking Rambo franchises. I'm talking the fucking little white perverts that were biting each other in the neck. Dwight, whatever the fuck it is, those little fucking fags. What happened to them all the one guy's going to play Batman? You know, there were these franchises. Well, that medium range producer banged into one of those franchises. one of those 800 million overseas type movie

and my home girl got that's when she came to me and she goes I don't know if you know this I've been fucking and sucking his dick for a year cheating on my husband me you know I'm from the world of drugs

I don't mind getting hit in the head with that bat from time to time but that world about cheating on your husband I didn't know what the fuck she was talking about and I played it off and she's like I told that motherfucker, either he gives me a house or I tell his new 21-year-old girlfriend because, yeah, who wants a 37-year-old

when you got a 21-year-old blonde, stupid, you know. And I'm not talking for me. I'm talking for these fucking producers. That's how they, that's their moratorium, whatever the fuck they do. They just get rid of it. But the 37-year-old girl was a Spanish girl, and she gave him a hard time.

She's like, I ain't going nowhere, motherfucker. I got used condoms. I got sperm on my dresses. I'm like Lewinsky. I got everything. So this guy had to give her his house. He had like a house on cold water that he used for camera equipment. You know, he had like little things there.

He had a great view and different angles. So he would shoot different things up there and shit. They had to settle by her. getting the house from him. And the husband never found out. His wife never found out. It was just a clean transaction. I just thought about this the other day.

And I would go up there and put auditions on tape. That's where I got American gangster. That's how I got taxi. That's how I got maybe seven movies was through this girl that got all this equipment to this guy. She was fucking. He nailed. the biggest franchise in fucking movie history and he just gives to the house up in cold water

canyon house had to be worth a million dollars the equipment another 200,000 so that's so you know about my life and where i've been and the things i've seen no names no fucking names never uh it's wednesday afternoon i hope you're feeling well i hope that whether you voted for you know works out for you for me I told you. I'm not voting. I worry about the fucking guy. I'm voting for the guy who lets me stay home, scratch my ball, sniff a finger, take a picture of my fingers with a pubic hair on it, send it to you, and still sends me and check out the end of the week. That's who I'm voting for. I hope they vote. New Jersey, you better fucking vote marijuana, and we need this Getus.

It's a lot of Getus, and it's a lot of Getus if it's run right. You understand? me if it's run right marijuana is great you don't believe me as denver they've got it down to a fucking science and a fucking nickel L.A. you know they don't know what the fuck that did and they've never told you what they did with the money oh we spend it on rehabs yeah and why all these people over here in fucking huts you're fucking got something you know put them in fucking apartment buildings do something with this weed money we know you make tons of it so I love you motherfuckers. I'm never here to take too much of your time. I just want to check in with you. You got plenty of me to go around. You got two fucking mini podcast on Patreon. You got fucking

album of the week on Patreon. You got morning motivation. I drop some fucking periscopes on Twitter for you from time to time. I'm still on Facebook. I'm at Uncle Vinnie's the 18 and the 25th. is there this weekend the sixth and the seventh I might go down one of the nights and say hello and then that's it

and that's that we're trying to put it together I got a show coming out on Ozzy's Boneyard this month I'll let you know when that comes up so you can support it

some of my favorite jams if you guys support they'll give me more and then we'll have a little Ozzie's Boneyard Patreon podcast we'll have the whole family

set up for you for the fucking winter I love you you motherfuckers, have a great week. I hope you're happy. That's all I can wish for. You know what I'm saying? Whatever I discussed last week,

I realized that I shouldn't be bringing some of that shit to the podcast. But I have to. I want you guys to know what the fuck is going on with me, what direction I'm fucking swinging. And that's it and that's that. I love you guys with all my heart.

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I'll see you motherfuckers next week. Thank you for a fun-filled week. If you follow me on Patreon, get ready to blow your fucking socks off. T-shirts are coming. I just looked at them today. I'm going to surprise you, motherfuckers. I told you January, but you know Uncle Joey, dog.

I take care of my fucking family. Patreon, Twitterville, all you cock-suckers get love. Listen, the podcast goes up. I don't know who you voted for, but listen, have a great day, have a great weekend. Bust out the football helmets in case you got head with a brick. Love your cock suckers.