The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 01/06/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #43

Episode Date: January 7, 2013

Welcome back and Happy New Year. A rare night time edition. Emilio Rivera from Sons Of Anarchy calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code Church for a discount! Streamed live on 1/6/13

Oh shit. A little grand funk fucking railroad to get 2013 started. The church is back. Hittedly. This is the fucking cowboy he was talking about right at time of that line. Hit itly. Brody Stevens, I'll call you back with a number to call in about an hour, all right? We're just starting a podcast, baby.

Let me call you back. Oh shit, the church. Happy New Year. Lee Syatt, the flying Jew. Joey Diaz coming at you. Listen, we usually do the podcast. podcast Mondays and Wednesday morning. We haven't been on the air for two weeks, and what happened was my wife, I took it to the

hospital today. For starters, thank you for the fucking love and the support and everything you've given us on the show and throughout the fucking last year. But the support you guys have given me the last couple days with my wife. Let me tell you something. I went in there like a soldier on Friday, Lee. I didn't pass out. First off, I got a needle in my ass last fucking Wednesday.

You know what happened the last time I got a needle in my ass with a fucking rash ad? No. fucking passed out. I had to sit the doctor's office for an hour with my shirt open, my tithes were hanging out. I had sweat beads lighting up off my fucking head. This time I went down Wednesday. I said, you know what? I'm going to go for this fuck. First off, the

warm-up to the whole pregnancy was the Joe Lozahn fight that night with all that fucking blood. That was it. If I could put up with Joe Lozahn's fucking head, you can put up with fucking anything. You follow me? From there, I went for a needle last Wednesday, which was like two days after New Year's.

We took it to the doctor the day before New Year's Eve that Monday and they said that if she didn't have the doctor but if she didn't have the baby by Wednesday that she should just, you know, drop in fucking Friday. So we went there Friday

they checked her out and they said, listen there ain't nothing we could do for it unless you want to induce but she wants to play fucking Johnny Natural so she doesn't want to induce which I don't blame it. There's a lot of chemicals out there why, you know, every one you can cut down on, cut down on. So she said,

fuck it. I just come back, so they told us to call this morning. And yesterday, I took it to this place. Creatis, Creatis in Tunga Boulevard, the studio city. It's got this big reputation that if you eat their salad, you go into fucking labor within 24 fucking hours. When she woke up this morning, she said, fuck that salad. The salad didn't do dick, but they have all right pizza, Cradiattiatis, and they give you a notebook, and they give you all the articles.

The articles were Newsweek and Playboy and the L.A. Times, and all these medical journals that, for some reason, the lemon juice that they put in the fucking... In the dressing? In the dressing makes women go into labor when they have it, but my wife, they're going to fucking labor. Oh, geez. Like that.

So this morning, we called. I had a dream that she called, and they said to come in at three. I woke up, I got to get a call, and she was like, yeah, she called, and they said, come in at 12. So we got there, like, 12, 15. They put her in, they go, you know what? You're there, but not really. But we're going to admit.

You just stay. we're going to put a balloon or something so we hung out there you know what I fell out sleep in the fucking room the doctor came in you know she had the little robe on she had to show her monkey in her ass it's hysterical because you don't know how much

you really love a woman until you go through this this is when you really realize it's fucking rough it's fucking rough and I don't like that shit as it is but I went over there on Friday and I was a soldier today I was a soldier but they had to put this little balloon they put in your little monkey to soften

up the cervix to to break the cervix or whatever. I don't know the right terminology. I ain't no fucking, you know, doctor people. So I sat through that, which was, listen, man, I don't like, I love you, Lee, you fucking flying jukecks sucker. I wouldn't want to see you getting stitched up. That's the last thing I need, never mind a surgery or a doctor put in a fucking pole

in your little fucking monkey, you know. And they did that, and we hung out, she goes she was going to take a nap. You know, so I went home, I fed the cats, had to clean the little box, that sense of me, man. house of some people. And I call Lee, and I go, Lee, you know what? This is going to, she's going to pop overnight. So instead of me having to stop the popping and come over here and do a podcast

and then drive back two hours in traffic, because from here tomorrow and morning, it's going to be fucking hell at 8 o'clock. Oh, yeah. I'd rather get up at 5 and shoot to the hospital and hang out nice and early. If she has the two fucking, I'm prepared. I got a chocolate bar on me. You know what I'm saying? I got a little that anti-Dolores.

I got some popcorn left. She sent us a fucking box. So I got a couple of presents for you. We're going to get fucked up next week on the show in the morning like we did last week. Now you got to know where to go. Now I'll get your high and you can just boom, boom, roll right into bed. That's true. Lee Syatt moved into the new studios.

Fucking, we don't really have a name yet. I don't really want to. Somebody suggested the Jew Nest. It's okay. But we got to give us something more. This is Lee Syatt, you know what I'm saying? Coming at you like the big black fucking Kahuna. Happy New Year, Coghucker.

This is it. You got one more chance. Look at Lee with the fucking his. Rayleigh flag behind him. Represent, motherfucker. I got the poster that my man meant, my shivit. Look at this.

I got a diet fucking Pepsi. I feel like a traitor. I'm a Coke man. If I'm going to drink Diet soda, I might as well go with Diet Coke. I'm stoned to the gills. I tell you, motherfuckers, that? I sat at the hospital seven hours, sober.

No football. You didn't watch football? There was no, no. No, they didn't move us into the TV room. First you go with the, you know, access room. By the time they moved me into the TV room, there was eight.

minutes left in the game. Those are two good games, too. You miss it. Well, you know what? A lot of people, what's going on with Ray Lewis? Talk to me, because, you know. He's retiring. How old is he?

Probably close to 40. I think he's like late 30s. He looks great. Yeah, he's been in the league for like 20 years. He tore his bicep or tricep, one of those. And they thought he might come back this year. And he practiced before the playoffs, but he just decided he's 40. He wants to go on on a high note.

and I ain't mad Remember all that shit that year? Remember all that shit that went down with him? He stabbed the dude. Oh, yeah. They threw him in jail. How great was that? Nobody ever opened their mouth.

Oh, really? See, I didn't... I've heard the story, but I didn't... I don't know the whole deal. I don't think anybody opened his mouth. Yeah, he didn't go to jail for a long time for it. No, no, no. He stayed out.

He paid the attorney. No, but he stayed in there for a while. I don't remember. I got to read up on it. I don't remember that shit. I don't remember that shit. I'm not the time people do. It's fucking embarrassing.

But it was great. Whatever happened, he stabbed it through the nightclub after the Super Bowl. That's the best time to stab somebody if you're going to fucking

take him to the hoop. You might as well get him da-da-da! You know what I'm saying? Happy New Year, cock sucker here. Monday morning, for you people

ain't watching. It's 9 p.m. here on the West Coast smoking fucking refo like a motherfucker and on the East Coast it's midnight. You motherfuckers are passed out.

It's over. That's it. The holiday season's over. And I got to tell you, listen, guys, I'm going to be as honest I can with you. My wife has been home since December 16th. You know the last time I had somebody at home was when I was in the fucking 7th grade?

That's the last time I had somebody at home in the daytime. Lee, I got to tell you, you have no idea how hard is when you work from home and you're used to being alone at home. And now somebody's a fucking home all day. You know, it took me two weeks just to write a note in daytime. And you don't have your office anymore either. No, they took everything for me. They took it all.

I'm like fucking Norriega. They took it all. No, they took everything from me. I got a little fucking corner, and I'm going to get an office. I'm done. I'm getting an office, yeah. Oh, you're going to? I got to disappear. Listen, the economy's fucking horrible.

They got offices in the corner. I got a couple Armenian dentists selling nickel bags out of there. They got some tattoo chick. You go in there, they got some back little fucking offices. You go back there. What can it cost you? 300 a month? 400 a fucking month.

That's 100 a week for peace of mind. You understand me? I bring the computer. I get the fucking notebook I get the pen I get a little reefer I get a fucking nothing you know

and I write and you sit and you meditate you stretch a little bit you know I'm a big stretcher you're gonna stretch in an office oh it's nice to stretch when you're right man

you fucking stretch you make a note you stretch you fucking stretch that's what yoga's about you breathe and all of a sudden you're gonna go take a shower

boom you get a fucking left hook and you get an idea dog come on okay what fuck you think you're dealing with something novice here

Lee Lee Leeland. Talk to me about New England. Talk to me. The viewers want to know. First off, listen, I took him down to the Joe Rogan show. The chick was waiting. It was too broads.

There's no waiting. This fucking poor kid guys called me 18 times on the way there. Now, you know what? I know he was going to hook up with this nice girl in Boston. I didn't want to hurt

her feelings of embarrassing. You can't. She don't want to fuck. Who wants to kiss somebody after some fucking chick farted in your fucking face? Even though this chick's cute and she might go for her.

But I didn't want to do that to Lee. So we called off the dogs. Lee was nervous. Stan Hope was there with the fucking suit on. Which, by the way, it was a great show. Kudos to Joe Rogan for putting that fucking show together. He called me like eight times saying he was walking around floating on fucking clouds. And so was I.

I really was. When you look up and you see a bunch of fucking people looking down to you, you feel like Russell Clover and Gladiate. Or he needs a black guy with a ball in the fucking chain. And you're taking this motherfucker to the hoop, Jack. So that was a great night But no I wanted you to go to Boston So talk to me about the seven days

It was great It was nice to see my family And the girl And go to the Patriots game With Enbeleaf Girl Thank you very much It was awesome Thank you for the president

And Beleaf Girl She got my daughter A beautiful little moosa Toronto Maple Leaf And then she got me a little teddy bear That's very cute That's my friend there But you said something to me

When I told you I was going I got back that it was absolutely true. For anyone who's moved away, I've been gone from Boston for two years now, and I love Boston. I love it. But being home for that week, it was like, ah, it wasn't home anymore.

I was, like missing L.A. I was like, I didn't think I liked L.A. But being in Boston, I was like, shit, I think I always love Boston, but when you live somewhere for two years, that's home now. It really is weird that you grew up loving your area. You grow up loving your fucking neighborhood,

what you're all about. you love it. And one day something happens and listen, you look at people who have left and come back and you ask them questions that that was my big pet peeve.

Anybody who I heard moved away and came back for a year, I would always ask him, hey man, you know, why did you fucking leave California? Why did you leave Arizona? What made you come back and they hit you with some lame

fucking answer, which you know wasn't the truth? Yeah. And I always knew at a young age that I didn't fucking know I want to get the fuck. When I was a kid and I watched ABC, when I was a kid,

they used to be the after-school movie at 4.30. So it was always a fucking movie. There was a movie at 430? Every fucking death. Oh, that's awesome. It was like a cartoon, and then Dark Shadows from 4 to 430. Okay.

With the original Barnabas Collins throwing heat like a motherfucker, a white vampire slinging dick, black chicks, Puerto Ricans. He was like Mick Jagger in fucking 81. And then it was the afternoon movie. you know, about steroids or some bully kid who got beat up. And there was something that you did. Holy shit.

I forgot what I was talking about. Oh, ABC. So when you watch the commercials, they would say, tonight at 8 o'clock. You know, they would say whatever, the show. And then they would go at 9 o'clock Mountain in Pacific. And I would sit there and look into this. You know, in those days you'd have the fucking computer.

You got it ripping a encyclopedia out of the wall and look at it. You learn about the time zones. And you're like, you know, you understood the Pacific time zone, and you understood the medium one, whatever they call it. It's eastern, Midwest, and whatever. But you never understood the mountain wall. It always dazzled me.

And there was two places that always fucked with my mind. It was Colorado. And then when I was a kid one year, one of the basketball championships went to Seattle. Jack Sigma and all those motherfuckers were up there in Seattle with Henry Hill Slingin' dope. I don't know if that's true. But at that time, they had a great team. I don't know what year the Seattle

Supersonics were in the finals against I think it was the Washington Bullets at that time with tremendous fucking team. Wes Unso was the Senate. So I always was intrigued by the mountains and I was intrigued by Seattle. How come the Seattle's, since Seattle was so high, how come, so I always wanted to go to the fucking mountains.

So when I had the opportunity, I had a friend that lived in Aspen, I said, fuck it. I might as well go out there. If I don't like it, I'd always come back. They're guys from my grandma school, but I knew, so I'm in good hands. You follow me? Yeah. But I remember coming back, like buying, you know, that's when I robbed a bunch of houses in Colorado,

and I came back and I had some hash, and I had some cash put away, and my buddy had robbed some jewelry, and he gave it to me to take back and sell it. And I remember going back to North Bergen and my friend's taking me, and taking me, going to say Scarface, but then taking me back into the neighborhood. And me going, it was only a year, partly. But I remember going back to these neighbors and going, hmm, things are, you know, like a level, in that year, a level of the bar chains. It wasn't the same guys that were in there. When I was growing up, it was a younger crowd, or at that time there were more koki, people were snorting more.

And I remember going back, going, this ain't the fucking same place. And I got caught in it, and I ended up there for a year, and I left. And I didn't go back for maybe 11 years. And I remember going back and going, wow, this isn't even what I remember. No. And the more you go back, you'll stay less and less. Yeah, last year I stayed 10 days.

This time I stayed a week. I think next time I would be like five days. It's just the flights, the Jew and me doesn't want to pay $500 and only be there for two days. You listen, man, but you get deals. You got to get, you got to fucking go early in the year and get deals.

You know, you got to look in there. American Airlines. You got to take all your miles. Yeah, I don't have any of it. I flew American. Yeah, you got to sign up. That shit's free to fucking sign up. And you sign up and you become part of something.

And, you know, you just fly. You're going to start flying soon. You know, little flights to Vegas. I mean, you're the fucking flying Jew. How the fuck ain't you flying? You're the motherfucking flying Jew and this motherfucker. I'm trying. But no, I had roged myself both ways.

I was like, holy shit. I got to give some shoutouts. Happy New Year. A bunch of motherfuckers out there. Since I'm in Lee's office now, these are different fucking shields. These are my intellectual ones. The ones I wear the fucking Starbucks and lie to people. I tell him to suck my dick and all that shit.

You know, sometimes the other ones are my goggles. I like those at the house. Those are my Jack Sycamas. You follow me, but what was I going to do? Oh, I want to give some shout-outs to your little motherfucker. For starters, there's a girl on Facebook. She got like, I don't know, 8,000 friends. Jill Hamutsu.

Okay, she does all, she got a web page, and she puts Debt Squad's schedule on there, like Ari's, myself, Duncan's, Berkrisis, Jorogans. Listen, do me a favor. Get on fucking Twitter right now. Go to Jill Himutsu Follow her Because she's going to start getting inside information

You follow me about Dead Squad She's going to be The Capo regime She's going to be the The underboss between us And the different Chapters of Dead Squad We're going to make this fucking big guys

It's all over the shot We're waiting for fucking Irish We're getting Puerto Ricans in here It's over You're done Take the flag down It's open No

So she's going to have like Raffles and Giveaway Whatever the fuck we're doing when she's going to have inside information. Jill Hamutu, she's like Gemma. Son's Anarchy, you know what I'm saying? So give her some love. Jeremy, my man up in Snowmass Village,

who contacted me with some chick I robbed 35 fucking years ago. Luke Monaghan at the gym, Cassius Morris, Kiss, the 13-year-old little dude who does the podcast. Scott Meyer was in North Bergen driving a tuck. Tony Soprano, I love you. Dan Berzkowski, Lucas, Banana, always around,

and Ash Anderson, and my Puerto Rican, Harris A-bar and my MMA soldier the week Duke, motherfucking Rufus. I might have that savage motherfucker call up next week. And a special shout out to honor them. I'm trying to get my man Aubrey to call in to let you know what's going on next year in 2013. This motherfucking year with what's happened.

And I got to tell you, I did an experiment. You know, I'm a fucking, I talk a lot of shit peep. I get high. I giggle. But I made him. And Lee knows. I have everything on a notebook. You know, Lee knows.

Yeah. That I try to write shit down, so I'm prepared for people. It's very important. And I started taking the honor vitamins, and I started making a log. And I started seeing how many times I was working out a week and how I was feeling. Really? Yeah, I wanted to see how the strong bone worked. And guys, I'm a different fucking man.

I got to do a flying sidekick now. I'm doing switch kicks and fucking kickboxing. You know, and this is because my feet don't hurt. And I got to tell you, Fat man alert, fat man, motherfucking alert. Because I told you cock suckers, it was going to happen. And I'm embarrassed. I went to Weight Watchers. I gained eight fucking pounds over the holidays.

You know why? And I worked out like a savage. I did a little experiment. I worked out like a savage. I ain't going to lie. I stopped over there by the fucking Mexican dude where I took Lee. Leave. Talk to these people.

Tell him where your Uncle Joey took you at one in the fucking morning. Listen, since I left Jersey, so help me God, I never eat at night. Even when my man Rogan's like, dog, let's go out and eat at night. It fucking kills me because he knows I got to keep it light at night. Because I'm addicted to night eating when I was a kid in Jersey. We go to the Berkshire diner. Always had hair in your food. But who gives a fuck?

It's 3 in the morning. It can either be a pussy or a grilled cheese sandwich. Eat that motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Stop me. Anyway, the Birch and I used to get the open steak sandwich with the cream of turkey soup. Oh, Lee.

They give you a toast with steak on it. And the gravy from the steak would melt on your toast, with steak fries. Who do you think you're fucking dealing with? That's like 9,000 calories, though. When I moved to Colorado, I stopped eating at night because they ain't know where to go at two in the morning. Yeah. But the other night, me and Lee were coming back from a mission.

Where are we coming back from? The end of the world show. The end of the world show. That's right. We're coming back and like, Lee, I'm going to turn you out to something across and the ha-ha. On that corner, I'm going to call out there. You can't see it if you're a regular person. You got to be stoned.

Got to be stoned. Tell them, Lee, if I'm bullshit. Oh, they were hiding. They were like that. You got to be stoned. You'll see them in the corner. Two Mexican couple. And they don't give a fuck.

they stay out there from about 11.30 to get started, but by one, those hot dogs are on fire. They get these hot dogs, and they wrap them with fucking bacon. And while that's cooking, they got these little port tacos and these little... And listen, between you and I, these are all Dolce approved. And they got these fucking... It's in the back of the book of the Dante.

And a shout out to my man, Mikey Dolce. And... And... And... What was they talking? Oh, and they got the top. tacos and they have the fucking, then they got a table with, and, uh, with, like, Pico de Gaio and shit's fucking tremendous.

Nobody knows. And it's not like just grilled hot dogs or oil or steamed. Oh, God, I'm, I'm stone now and I want to go get them. They're on the griddle, so they get really crispy, and the bacon's wrapped around them, so the bacon gets crunchy, and they, they, they, uh, grill the bun, and he put, he put mustard on it. I wouldn't have put the pico de gallo on it, and he put, um, sauteed onions. Oh, bang!

Who the fuck you think you're dealing with it? If you're going to go heavy at night, go heavy. Don't waste your time with Taco Bell, or you're going to make a sandwich at Robbs. Go fuck your mother. If you're going to go heavy, go heavy. You got to go deep. You know what I'm saying?

Deep. You got like two hot dogs and the night. I only got a hot dog. Tell them me, I was... But the best part was, when you got in and you parked illegally, you parked by the red. You didn't care.

Who gives a fuck? It's one dirty. I'm stopping. And the best part was, you took a bite, you looked at me. We looked at each other Like who do you think

You're messing with? You're like, if you want to get fat Come with Joey We didn't even talk It was just so good Fat Man alert I don't fuck around dog If you're a fat dude

Listen I'm not even raffle off Like an evening With Joey Diaz Rifa Fucking parachutes will go We'll eat I'm telling you I'll find these little nooks in the walls

That'll net And that's what you want to eat You don't want to eat When the fucker you want to eat When the fucker you want to eat When you're going to end up Looking like these fucking zombos That's what you're

you're going to end up doing. Everybody wants to go to the hot spot. There's a place I ain't even going to say by my house to hunger. The fucking piles of people show up out there. Piles of fucking goys show up there, aka WAS for fucking white people, right?

These fucking wass, and they stand on line at this place. So last week, my wife is pregnant with as fuck. So the daytime, she gets urges. You understand? She wants to go get fucking tea or whatever and they got trumpets there. Excuse me. and anyway

and we fucking go down there and she orders it and the next day my wife is cool as fuck listen if anybody's a food critic I'm gonna fucking say something Lee I'm looking for something to criticize when I go to a restaurant so I don't have to go back there again this place I've got in there for coffee

it's okay coffee's fucking coffee you know it's $2 it's whatever you fucking pay for coffee but coffee's coffee usually I just go to 7-Eleven and get that Colombian bowl let me tell you something you drink a cup of that fucking Columbia and Bolton and you get back to fuck Red Bull. I was telling

I was like an A ball of blow and I was tired as fuck I was on a movie set and I never forget that we had to change locations so I drank two fucking Red Bulls back to back like a soldier and I fell asleep for an hour no you didn't yes I did yes I fucking did So you did an A ball Coke which is plus to wake you up I started to do coke like at 930

and I ended to blow like at 2 in the morning and I slept like from 3 30 to maybe like 6 and I had to I had drive to Pasadena for like a 7 a.m. call. And like, we had to shoot like a scene at the cemetery. Then we had to move on. When we moved on, I drank two Red Bulls. I go, people like drink the Red Bulls.

I drank two of my fucking pass-out. Jesus Christ. That's just for fucking amateurs. Like I said, if you want to stay up, you got to do a fucking genizel. Me, I don't know. I can't even fucking stay up no more. Yeah, you could have been early. That's how you wake up to early.

Oh, I go to fuck. I get ferociously stoned. I will hit that vapor pen until the fucking. vapor is done and then it's just it's elementary so let me tell you the report on my wife right now before I came into Lee's

Lee's flaming fucking ju-bizar I don't let him with that one I love this place I love it you're a nice place I like a place thank you very much no you have a nice place when I met Lee when I met Lee was living in a shack next to these fucking people that would make a met it's amazing

it's amazing he hated it because they had hookers down the block and Lee you never ate one of those fucking you never took him home and stabbed No, well, because you said that a lot of them were probably transvestite, so I didn't want to take the chance. That's even better. They suck your digger. I have a fucking snuck on your fucking pole. Oh, that.

That sounds cold like a motherfucker. That sounds terrible. Why are you smiling when you think of it? I'm just fucking with you. I don't know how the transvestite I suck my dick. That's disgusting. I thought about it in Vegas. I wondered that she wasn't a transvestite.

She was a transsexual. That's the one that showed me and Rogan her fucking snatch hole with that. She had like artificial turf around at the Riviera. Oh my God, that was hysterical. That's horrible. That's horrible. And even when you look at somebody and go, maybe, like if I would have had an eight ball to blow that, and I would let her suck my dick, him, whatever, with the way.

Really? Oh, yeah. And then I would have practiced an arm bar on them or something like that. Who gives a fuck? It's January 7th. So before I came in here, I called my wife, and I get to my girlfriend's day. And I could tell, I know my wife. My wife don't tap for nothing.

She was telling me that contractions. Sorry about that. The contractions were getting worse. That she was going to call me tonight when her friend left and see where I was at. And I'm ready to go. I'm ready to go. It's amazingly.

I'm fucking ready to go. I didn't want this for the last guys. I'm not excited. The last time I got excited was when I went to see fucking Julius Irving on Christmas Day. You know, 1983. There's a list. I'm getting excited.

Fun. What's the fun? Fucking fun. And I'll tell you, the last six months I'm having a great time with her. Yeah. I just goof for it. And the last three weeks, I said it in a way. But, like I said, I've gained eight pounds, and I feel we eat fucking all day.

Oh, you have to with her. You have to. Yeah. And she's only gained fucking 40 pounds. It's just in her stomach. Yeah. Her legs, I was looking at it tonight. She looks great.

So, God bless her. And it's amazing what I'm feeling right now at 50. I'm going to be 50 in fucking, you know, 35 days or something like that. Are you fucking kidding me, Lee? Insurance. I got two different insurance. I never even thought I was going to be alive. You know, I haven't made it yet to 50.

But let's, who are you kidding? Who the fuck are you kidding? Yeah. This is, hey, listen, when I was a kid and I got that girl pregnant, and we were married, and we got divorced that. That was, you know, I was thinking about it until they were in there when I was with my wife. And I remember all these crazy stories. The only story

I remember from that girl giving birth was me fighting with our neighbor, fist fighting, and the cop showed up. That's it. I remember going to the hospital and being upset because I was taking college courses and I had to do a term paper that Monday. And here I had to help deliver this kid.

I went down like three times. It was just a fucking afternoon from hell. But a family lived there. And I don't remember anything from that. I remember all simple show. I remember her baptism. Me and her brother-in-law got high in the bathroom downstairs in the church. I remember

that. We were a Reeking Lake Reefer. I mean, I was out of my fucking mind. I was out of my fucking mind. How old were you? Somewhere around my age, right? Late 20s? She was born in 1990, so I was 27 years old. Shit, that's three years

away from me. Holy crap. And you know what? I don't remember any of that shit. And today, when I was taking a shower before I came over, I was thinking of myself, how out of my mind that was at that time. Like, I was out of my mind. Like, when I had that kid, I expected everything to change.

Like, I expected the piece is just a flaw because this is how life works out. You have a kid, and this kid makes you change. Makes you stop snort and coke. Makes you stop carrying a gun. Makes you stop acting like an asshole of people. It fucking made me crazy. It made me fucking crazy.

Because you had just got out of prison, didn't you? Yeah. I got out from the halfway house that she was being born. Jesus. So my relationship with that poor woman was damaged. You know, what I did now with this woman and what I did before, before the baby was even born, was miles apart. That's how crazy I was, guys.

Miles fucking apart. Miles apart. It's a fucking shame. And because of that scar that I had from acting the way, I'm a fucking animal. In the back of my mind, I've always thought I was an animal because I didn't react to that situation. I didn't react to how I thought a man should react. When the woman has your child.

She was my fucking wife, for Christ's sakes. Until today, I don't have the balls to call over there. Like, that's how bad the situation was. Like, I won't talk to my daughter now until, you know, and you think I'm happy that I'm having a new daughter, and I don't talk to my, but what are you going to do? I don't want to cause a war right now. You know, when the woman went to a fucking war.

And meanwhile, I'm looking at the Israeli flag. Wait, what do you got for me? What music you got for Uncle Joey? Got gin and juice. Oh, shit. A little snoop. dog and stuff. Let me tell you something. Hold on before you put that on. Guys, do me a favor.

He's on the G Network. Have you ever seen a Sloop Dog show? He's a show? Like an internet show. Oh, he shouldn't know that. Like a podcast with a G Network or something. So the other day, somebody sends me a link of him with the guys from sons of Anarchy. Oh, no. The guy that always goes,

yes, the crazy guy that he raises pit bulls, Fat Elvis, Bobby, and Jacks, Teller. And they're over there. Let me tell you something. the whole time they're there. Snoop Dog is smoking like he owns a fucking dispensary.

Do you understand? He probably does. And he's changing outfits in between the fucking joints and he's got the guys with sons of Anakin. He's sparking him up and he's goofing on. It is hilarious.

It is amazing to me that this guy, I love him. You got to respect someone like Snoop Dog because you don't want. He's doing what the fuck you want. He even changed his name to Snoop Lion. Oh, I saw that. Jesus.

So he's sitting there and he's smoking this thing. And he goes, which one he used to roll? And he fucking is ripping up a blunt paper, right? And also it goes to a commercial with these black chicks with a bikinis. Fucking amazing this show. And all of a sudden it goes back. And the one guy from Sun's Anarchy, the guy that always raised his hand in votes and says, yeah. Whatever says he could roll.

And he's talking about his pit bull. He has a pit bull organization. And each month they go to switch to different. different charities for different pit bulls and whatnot. And all of a sudden, they switched to snoop dog. He's got a fucking bung with goggles on, right? And it's strapped him. Oh, well, like a gas mask thing?

Like a gas mask. I haven't smoked a gas mask since I was, I think, my 16th birthday up in my attic. And in those days, you rolled a joint. Where's that joint, dog? We finished it. No, we did not finish it. You were fucking around with it. Oh, I know where it is, cocksucker.

I know what it is. And you had to put the joint in this thing and screw it on, light it and put it into this thing, and then blow it at yourself. And then my one buddy had the thing that you put it on with their goggles. But then they developed it, but they didn't know how to not fucking get the smoke in your eyes. So you're in there.

You're blinking. It's like somebody jizzling your fucking eyeball. Hit it, a little fucking gin and juice for you, cock suckers. Out of respect for Snoopadover. Oh shit Happy New Year Motherfuckers Oh shit

Lee Do a little wiggle for Uncle Joe Come on I haven't seen your wiggle Come on baby You tickled me I was kidding Oh you were carrying the boxes

I had a box And he lives on the top Of a huge staircase And he was tickling me And I almost fell down the stairs That was the point Coxuck We were to collect

The Vig on the fuck The insurance Who's gonna sue the house What do I have to phone In the stairs We were to see three fucking people Who's better than Uncle Joe And what do I want

A measly ten point. Hits new, what? Take a little something for the cheese and make a few wins as I breathe through. Too in the morning and the boy, he looks like fucking Searhan. Searhan. You know what that is, Lee? Spark that Lee, what? Smoke in, uh, look at the fucking Israeli flag representing cops, fuck, what?

Lee, what are you doing? I tell you to smoke one hit, you smoke 15, look at it. I gave my joint, look at it gives me back, you're worse than snoop dog. Oh shit. One more, do a little wiggle, fungal, joke, man, oh shit, shake it, shake it fungal joint, give me a little, give me a little, give me a little, Oh, Jesus Christ. I smoked out of a gravity bomb when I was home.

It was like a bucket full of water, and they had like a half a soda can or half soda bottle, and you like lifted it up in the soda, like an entire two-liter filled up with smoke, and you just pushed it down, and I got fucking stoned. And it was Boston weed, so it's not necessarily great weed, but fuck. But you know what? Let me tell you some.

About three years ago, I went to Philly, I think with Ari and Joe, and somebody gave us a joint that looked like a fucking missile. And we smoked it on the car right over there. We smoked half and we were mummified. There's good weed at some places. It's just, you know, and so don't write that weed off. Somebody could have grown... Listen, there's college kids that are growing shit now

that'll fucking put hair on your eyeballs. That's the plan, Lee, Lee, Leland. So when are you going to see your little girl again? Did you fall in loud? Talk to the viewers at home. I know she's great. She's very cute. Yeah, yeah. You're a lucky dude, Lee.

How big is your dick? big as that fucking helmet of yours, you little that little fucking juice stick. Big enough, I don't know. That's the name of the place, the juice stick. The juice stick. You tickling me now asking me, helping my dick is, I don't know if I want you at my house now.

Wow, I don't know, because you're a handsome fucking dude, but this chick's banging. I was like you have animal magnetism. You told me you sent her picture, you're in a bikini. I don't know what the fuck happened. No. And I didn't tick me like I was holding you down, putting my nuts out into your face.

Don't say it like this. What happened was he was carrying a fucking box. I was carrying a table. And he's standing there like a fucking mummy that he is looking around to see what the weather's like before he walks down the stairs. So I went to tickle him, he jumped. Let me tell you son. The last thing you want to do is jump in front of me

when they fucking poke you. You got to keep it like a soldier. You're not going to give me your fucking... Well, you didn't really like you did it? You're just like kind of like grazed. Oh, no, I'm a professional tickler. I'll stick that. I'll stick that finger right in your fucking tickle zone right here.

And the other one, it'll pump to one of your little. little ribs and your little spare ribs are nice, you know what I'm saying? So I put and you get you, you should have seen this face turned around. Are you stoned right now? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. Well, you gotta get together, dog. You're really going to get together. I have it together. Did you buy out of the fucking Israeli flag this morning?

When I put it up, yeah? Every day. Yeah, I used to, I didn't have it up in my last place, but that's the fucking, I'm a flying joy. I have to have it up now. So yeah, I got to go down to I might have to go to Hollywood tonight, man. Is that? Why do you have to go to Hollywood?

Because that's where the baby's at. Oh, I thought it was up in the Valley. No, no, it's an alley. So I'm going to have to go down there tonight and do this. And that's it. I just wanted to do a podcast. I'm excited for you. Yeah, you'll put this up tomorrow morning.

I can have it up tonight. Now, when do you go back to work with? Tomorrow night. Oh, shit. And I have DirecTV coming tomorrow morning. And then I, like, I'm trying to, I have, I've put most of my place together. But for anyone who moved, it fucking sucks. So I'm going to have it together by, like, the end of the end of the day.

the week and uh but yeah i'm excited i'm i'm ready to go back fucking everything's expensive so i need to go back to work it is when you move you don't know what what you go for and you had movies you're a big shot oh fuck it's someone i thought you had your friends from oh the other this is gonna help you that i said that on facebook jews even when i was broke in college i always hired movers two 300 bucks i'm not fucking i was on the third floor in my last place i'm on the third floor here and i have heavy shit i'm not doing nothing And the girl texted me, and the movies were an hour late. And she said, so why don't you help them?

So you won't pay as much. I said, I'm paying $90 an hour. I'm not doing shit. So they moved every. I didn't move a thing. Fuck that. You're a bad. Now, what happens if you move something, you slip?

You don't, you're not thinking about the big picture. Who am I going to sue if I'm moving my stuff and I slip? You sue the only, you're telling them there's no lights in the hallway or whatever the fuck you. You know, you got a cousin who's a fucking lawyer or somebody, and your fucking family's You're a Syatt. Get it together. That's true. You're a fucking Syatt. Your Jimmy runs deep.

Back to the fucking hills of Israel. Your people were there when they were playing the Bongo's Jesus 12th birthday. So if my baby's born, it's going to be tomorrow, which is a Cuban Christmas tomorrow. Is it really? Yeah. It's Cuban and a couple. It's Christmas and a couple different religions tomorrow in different ways of life, as they say. Yeah.

So I don't think we talked about that. You put the volume up to see if somebody calls. I have it, ready to want to? You're ready to go right here? Because I don't know if he's going to call right now. There you go, see what I'm saying? Happy New Year, my brother. Joey, how you doing, brother?

Good, man, I'm happy that you call. And the room is me, is my main man, Lee Syatt. On the phone is the man, the Mayan, the president of the Mayans. My brother, Amelia Rivera. Thank you very much for calling. How you doing, Bob? I'm doing good, but I gotta be on with you, man. Always a person working with you, Joe.

Oh, yeah, man. I wanted to talk to you for a long time, but I wanted to wait for the season to be able. What's been going on with you? I know you were going away for a few days. Yeah, you know, I've been working with you. I did a little, you know, it was pretty cool. I did a few commercials this past few months,

did about four of them, so got busy like that. And I did a few movies last year, and they're all coming out this year, man. So, you know, it's been a good time, man. It's been working, so it's been nice, you know. I took too much off, I spent out of time with the family, so it was good, man, real good.

Good for you, Amir. You look good, you look healthy on TV. You look beautiful. They should, if they remake Zutsu, it's all over. You know, it's to me, but in the light and better, you know, I'm talking about. You're still a sharp guy. Thank you, Joey.

Thank you. You know, when I called you a day, I asked you also, besides doing the podcast, if you wanted to get on stage because a lot of people don't know. That's how I met you. Yeah, man.

You went at the Ice House, right? 18 years ago, Joey? Yeah, that was a long time ago. You were a young guy. I was still old. I was 50 then. I'll be you 50 next month, brother. You don't know what the same time?

Yeah, I'm 50 next month on February 19th. Oh, yeah. I'm February 24, brother. There you got, man. I think you're Julius Irving's birthday, too. Isn't Dr. Jay on that day? He's like the 22nd. That's like a good week to have a birthday.

Oh, yeah, man. I didn't know you had that was your birthday, but it was 18 years ago. when we met, brother. Yeah, man. So that's, and it was stand-up, so I, you know, I asked him, I said, if you ever want to come to one of the shows, I'd love for you to do whatever you got. You know, and Emilio called back,

he's like, I got 15, I don't give a fuck if you got eight minutes. You're a funny dude, whatever, you always got an open invite. People don't know that. That's how we met. You know, and you went on to do great things. I mean, collateral's been on all month. And I watch it till that part. Oh, thank you, bro.

I watch it until that part, yeah. No, that's actually how it all got started, though, with his acting thing, you know, and meeting you out there, meeting, you know, Rudy Muenot. I got a good guy, you know, Carlos McKeel was pretty coming up as well, and it was a lot of good times, man, and, but now, I mean, every time I called you, Joe, you know, whenever I need to do a show, I need to raise some money for somebody that, you know,

they couldn't, you know, bury their family member or something. You've always been there for me, bro. I mean, anytime you call me, I called you, famed, you would always be, and you never forgot me as a friend, and I dig that, so I do the same for you, you know what I'm saying? Oh, you're a sound of a dude. I get excited when I see you. I'm going to see a real man.

I'm going to talk to a real fucking man for an hour. Yeah, well, that's what it is, brother, because you're just an old-school, old-school, good motherfucker, bro. You know what I'm saying? And that's hard to find out there. It really is. Yeah, when I see your auditions or I see you out, I know that for five minutes or ten minutes,

I'm going to talk to somebody who's going to tell me how the fuck it is, and I'm going to leave there feeling happy. And I know I know I'm hearing some real stuff, but I know I'm also going to be laughing. I'm not a motherfucker, bro. They're telling you, bro. You learn something, but at the same time,

I can't stop laughing. And I come home to the old lady, and I got taller everything you told me because it's just funny, bro. I mean, you're just, you're just, you're one of the best out there, but I'm really proud of you. Every time I see you,

you put your smile on my face, bro. You need to hear your voice when I put you on my face. I tell you what made my day. You know, I would come home. You know, you're busy at night, Emilio. You know, you're busy in the daytime. My nighttime life,

to me to be a good comedian, as much as I got to be out. during the week doing those 10-minute sets to try out new shit. So I got to be out early in these little valley rooms and shit, so I miss TV. And my wife told me, for like a year, you know, your buddy's

on this son's a hannicky about motorcycle guys. And you know what? The reason why I wouldn't watch that first, because when I went to prison, the guy that rode on me was the biker. The dude who was the tough dude who was rolling with the fucking whatever out of Colorado and he had the pit bull and the convertible and he had the tattoos. He's

the one that rolled on me. The guy I kidnapped didn't even roll on me. Oh, is that right? Yeah, the last thing I wanted to do was a fucking biker. I heard that. Wow, that's a trip. Yeah, so I watched the show one day and I fell in love. I fell in love with

your character. I fell in love with Jacks. I fell in love with the old man, with Gemma. And I started tweeting about it. Like a year, it was a season premiere. Every Tuesday, I would wake up and say, you know, tie your woman and put a moaning in her asshole. Sons of Manichie's on tonight.

No, we know what, you know, but I got to be honest with you, bro. Every time the show comes on on Tuesday, every Tuesday, I always look for your tweets for the day for some of the Manachie, because it's always fucking allowed. Yeah, I would do it just a mess of people. I found out that so many people watch that show, and then I come on the podcast and do Wednesday as we cover it, and people would fucking send emails.

Joey, stop, spoiler alert, say it, because you're ruining the show for us. So, dog, you turn me on to a great show. I love your character. I love everything on the show, and Smith, everybody was good this year. You know, now you guys are going to start moving below for the fucking, for Pope or whatever's going on, so I'll see you a lot next year,

so I'm really happy, man. You know, that's why I just wanted you on the show to talk about what's going on with you. No, it's been a best. I mean, I ride in real life, anyway, Joe, you know, me, so I'm getting paid a ride, and it is a lot of fun, but, you know, and, you know, but in fact, I'm still alive, you know, so coming back on next season six, and let's see what happens, man. I mean, a lot of shit going down right now,

But, again, we're winding down. You know, it's almost coming to an end. So, you know, motherfuckers are going to be dying. But, you know what I'm saying? It's going to be more, every year gets more exciting and exciting, you know? Yeah, I was watching something that at first, I guess, the network okay, if they killed somebody every four episodes, it was okay. Now, I guess you kill four people every episode.

Exactly. It's like the second movie show ever on TV, bro. So it's pretty cool, man, you know. Now, this year, the numbers are really high, like really, fucking high, right? The numbers were highest for any FX show ever, bro, you know what I mean? I think it's just going to get a build from

there, you know, a lot of people that barely get into it right now are buying the first season all the way through to catching up till now, you know, and a lot of people are caught up now, brother, and you're waiting for season 6, you know, which is good for us, you know? No, I watched everything this year. I watched every Wednesday, and now I watch season one on DVD,

and I ordered two and three from Amazon the other day, and I'm waiting on that, because I need to watch them and now they got, I'm going to have the baby tomorrow morning, tonight, later tomorrow. So they said that, you know. Congratulations on that, Joe. Yeah, thank you, man, 50 years old. He's a perfect time right now.

You're going to love that. Yeah, and they said that you sit with your baby and you go on your chest when they're really young. So a friend of mine, Jim Jeffries was telling me to put the baby on your chest, and he goes, you have a lot of dead time. So pick a TV show and watch all the episodes or something. So I'm looking forward to go from the beginning.

You can have a boy or grow, do you know yet? I'm going to have a good. girl, bro. My family, that's all I spent out. Oh, man, forget it, buddy. She's going to be spoiled, brother. That's going to be your little queen, brother. Yeah, what are you going to do? You know, I got a second chance to be a father, so I got to really work hard and, you know, I mean, you got to figure I'm going to be 50. What's the average lifespan? Seventy-four of a man, and that's what the guy does jumping jacks every day. I used to eat pussy and snort coke, and, you know, I got off the

track for a little while, so you got to figure out on, like, maybe 68, 71. But you know, want for I'm taking care of myself now, so let's see what happens if God wants, you know? Especially what happened to who? What happened? Especially what happened to who? What happened to, uh, what I said? Yeah, you see, you're taking, you, you're taking care of yourself better now, especially after what happened to somebody.

Oh, no, no, I didn't mean it like that. Did I say something? Okay, okay, okay, okay, no, no, no, oh, we got to, but, I mean, we're being at that at that age where, shit, I mean, you guys are taking care of everything now, and I'm trying to watch what I, but I love my chief, brother, but I love my chief, but I love my chief, but I love my chief, burgers and fries. My old lady's always trying to take that shit away from me, but damn it, you know, I just ate a hole right now, you know what I'm saying?

You know, I said, you know, I eat a fucking hole every night, you know? What's a whole? A chocolate thing with the cream inside? Yeah, that's my favorite thing, brother. I got to have one of those in night every night. And you work out every day? I think times a week, brother. I would know, I may need to do cardio like tomorrow,

the regiment. My son was off for 20 days from school. He goes back to school the mom so the regiment starts all over again, you know, up to the mountain. I got that little bit by running canyon in Hollywood. Okay. So we run that up, you know, so that's pretty good. He was I need that cardio.

As we get older, probably, just more cardio than you anything else, you know what I mean? Yeah, I started kickboxing to just, and this guy kills us. I had to start doing it like six, seven weeks ago, and I love it. And that's why I'm pissed off because I gained eight pounds over the holidays. How the fuck I got me jumping up and down there three times a week? I've been going to one yoga, and I've been lifting one day a week. How the fuck did I gain eight fucking pounds?

So my wife... Good for you, brother. That kickboxing, anything you do with it, you know, that kind of, no sports. I mean, as far as boxing, kickboxing, you know, that are graphing, it's the best for you, brother. You work out of everything. You know, I can't do that jih-jit-o shit. I can't. I can't breathe

on my back. I got sleep apnea. My nose is always clogged. You know, every once in a while, I haven't done a line in five years, but every once in a while, my nose gets clogged up. I can't fucking figure it out. That shit was when I did blow. Now it's tremendously fucking clean, so that's it, brother. I'm just trying to put it together. Yeah, good, yeah, man. But I'm happy you called up tonight, man.

He's a good dude, and I'm a big fan of your work, and I love you, Emilio. You're solid. I love you, bro. You, Joe, you fucking, you got so much energy. We go on stage, I could have a bad night, brother. And once you're on stage, you just pick it all up again, you know what I'm saying? I mean, you put me in a good fucking mood. You fucking make me laugh to my stomach, which is a good thing, because it's hard for any

coming. I actually so much, so many comics, bro. Sometimes I get stuck on YouTube and just sit in the comments I can laugh my ass off, you know? Me too. I do that same thing. Just when you go on stage, you know, it's going to be good. You know what I mean?

I think that. So I look forward to working with you again, brother. I'll see you soon, man, but I'm happy you called in tonight and help me out. I love you and happy New Year to you and looking forward to sons, man. You let me know,

any time you want to talk and we'll talk, brother. We'll do it in front of everybody, you know what I'm saying? Thank you, brother. Thank you very much for calling up tonight. Yeah, hey, hey, congratulations on the baby and good luck tomorrow, bro, and I'll give you a big hug for it for me.

You got it. I'll give you a call over the week. Thank you for doing this, man. You got to bring you time. Bye. So there you have. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

That's how we do it. I'm fucking, you know. So I'm happy. I'm happy you called me a little. Because I was ready to cancel. When I got home, I looked at the cats, and I was like, you know what? I got to reply to emails. I got to do this.

And I got my wife. I'll tell you what. You know what, man? Nobody wants to be in a hospital fucking alone overnight. No. I'm going to go back to the house now and see what the situation is. I'm going to call her and see what she has to say. and then from there

I might sleep four or five hours because I know I won't get a good night's rest I'll clean up, feed them, hang out with them for a while, I'll eat like rice checks, I'll eat at the house because that hospital food is fucking horrid. I'm sure it is.

It's a long fucking walk, so it's not even worth the aggravation. And hopefully I'll give birth to my daughter overnight, you know. Congratulations with me, and I wanted to ask you before he called, how much of the Cuban stuff are you going to have in her life? Are you going to do it? I'll tell you what, man, listen, plain and simple.

When I'll say it right out, when I was a kid, I was fucking ashamed, you know, when I came to this country. My mother put me in an area that was all fucking white. You know, thank God that our first bar was by black people. It was an 127th an auto bomb. And I think about that part of my life all the fucking time, because it humbled me. You know, even though we lived on 205 West 88th Street,

We had a doorman and all our neighbors were white. We could mail our letters in the hallway and, you know, all this shit. You know, I had to go to that fucking death hole every day. But those black people kept me humble. Jasper, motherfucking Williams, if he's still alive, reach out to me, Doug. And it was just all that old. What was the question? How much of the Cuban stuff?

My mother would always yell out the window. my name, Los Antonio. Yeah. And I wouldn't react to it. I swear to God, I wouldn't react to it. And then she would call me Coco,

and then she would call me Tony or something. And I'd react to those two names. And I wouldn't, and she talked to me in Spanish, and it would drive me fucking crazy. Yeah. And I would ask her, don't talk to me in Spanish.

You know, and then she says, in my house, we're going to talk Spanish. Outside, you got to speak English, but in the house. And you know what? Today, I'm happy she beat me

to fuck up with it. I'm happy. I speak two languages. You're like, Joy, well, what has it ever done for your tons? It makes my mind fucking work. Because I can't believe that I still kept it after all these years. Yeah. I still kept it really fluent for a couple of years there.

After my mother died, I didn't keep it fluent at all. I think, like, from 85 to, like, 90, I didn't speak Spanish at all. It was fucking crazy. I met the Cubans in 90 in Boulder. This Cuban family, the Feebles is... I still talk to Danny Junie. for all my shows in Boulder. And I'm proud. I'm proud

that I spoke Spanish. I'm proud that I picked up a couple of Sicilian terms and words growing up. I understood what the Sicilians were saying. I grew up with so many Italians that I picked up the dialects. You know, the ones that are from the north, the ones that are from Sicily,

the ones that are from Palermo, the ones. So you pick up the different dialects. The more south, the more Spanish, it sounds. Okay. It's really interesting. The more south they are to me, the more Like Naples up north, it sounded a little harder to me. But if I could pick up or focus on one or two of the words. So the deal that I came up with in my wife is this.

I'm going to talk to her in Spanish. I'm going to talk to her as much Spanish as I can. So she has to think about it and react back to me and talk to me in Spanish. That's my native language. I have to talk to her. She has to understand it. I meet a lot of Spanish people who are dynamite people and they don't know the language

and it drives me crazy. Like your parents didn't talk to you in Spanish, my fucking parents were fucking losers and they spoke to me in Spanish. Yeah. You're following me. My parents weren't like

they didn't go to a counselor and sit there with a psychiatrist to say what's the best for your fucking kid that we give them a pill. You know what? If I would have lived in this area right now as a kid, like not this area. If I would have lived in this timeline,

like if I would have been 13, if I would have been 10 in 2013, I would have been on fucking a walking stick walking with 22 pills dissolving into my arms all the day. These kids that they prescribe medication till they call them crazy or psychiatry. I know fucking kids, and I know what it is to be a kid that's fucking deranged. I'm fucking going to be 50, and I'm still fucking deranged.

So, you know, when you see a kid and you've been fucked up, you know what it is to be fucked up. And a lot of these kids that they got going, these doctors and all these shit aren't fucked up. I don't believe that a 13-year-old should be. talking to a fucking psychiatrist. I think a parent should be talking to a fucking 13-year-old about what's really cracker-lacking. Now, I wasn't raised under that scrutiny of my

counselors, and my mother wasn't that involved. But at the house, she was very fucking hands-on. I mean, I caught my last fucking smack to the mouth when I was 15 or something like that. They didn't hesitate in my fucking house. No. But, you know, I would have been, if I would have been 10 in 2013,

I would have been walking around with a guy next to me with a dog, walking around with a mass like Hannibal Leicester with an IV in me fucking walking back and forth with a psychiatrist fucking throwing needles at me

and shit like that and once my mother flipped and gun oh from 15 to 17 you know come on from 15 to 19 you know you've made an interesting point before about leaving and coming back

I left Jersey not when things were down I left Jersey when things were on fire I left Jersey when things were on fire I left Jersey when you can make a thousand a week just walking around being you. Never mind if you had two and two to put together. There was always a truck down load or a job to get

or casing something or selling a fucking an ounce of blow. There was always something to fucking do. And I had to collect an unemployment and having your friends get you in a union and all this shit. One day somebody came to me and I just knew that if I stayed in that area, I was either going to end up dead or in prison.

End the story. There was no going to be no. I wouldn't even have a chance. There was no way I could get ahead, and that's what made me leave. And every time I went back, I got the creeps. I still loved my people, and I loved going home, but something gave me the creeps. I had suffered too much on these streets. When I went back to North Bergen, I drive on those streets.

Like, when we did the documentary, we would get out, and I'd walk around and show you different things, the fucking neck hairs would stick up. I know what went down on those fucking streets. I remember what went down. I remember pulling Gabby over and having to suck your dick, But, you know, I remember fucking rolling up by the high school right there where you were there with the camera. Yeah.

I remember rolling a fucking bum there. We were 12 one day, you know, pulling him on Kennedy Boulevard on that big boulevard. Pulling this guy on the street. And the guy's like, we're taking this one. And there's three, four guerrillas, and people are beeping their cars at us going, hey, leave that poor man alone. We're like, fuck you. You know, I know what it's like. Are you fucking crazy?

All those cemeteries that we went through. Yeah. that one cemetery, nobody shit type took in that fucking cemetery. Do you have any fucking idea in the dead of the winter? I still remember the night that Freddie Prince shot himself. I walked through that cemetery

and I took the shit on the grave from 1844. That was the way I justified not being guilty in my mind, you know? Because it was old? Oh, that cemetery in northern New Jersey. Listen, from 63rd Street to 39th Street, this is a cemetery.

No, but you justified it because there's an older person? Yeah, like who the fuck comes and checks on it? You know what I'm saying? Who's a lie? It's like, what is that thing we're talking about? About Lincoln, the movie, these fucking critics. Oh, you know, whatever the fuck. Harvey Homo, his portrayal of Lincoln is spectacular.

I didn't know you knew Lincoln. You know what I'm saying? I didn't know you knew Lincoln. I know people who walked out of that fucking movie. They're like, we sat there and started thinking, where did they get all this dialogue from? Like, you know what I'm saying? Stop it.

Well, it was like the other chubby dude. The one who played the manager in the movie about the boxer, like Russell Crow. What's the guy that he played fucking Benjamin Franklin, the web on the HBO series. I have no idea. Antiqui, give me still. What the fuck?

I'm high as a fuck. You got me high and I don't know what you're talking about. I can't tell you, I'm fucking stone to the gills. I can't believe I might walk outside him. I might get a night and one call from my wife to get down. I'm going to deliver this kid fucking juiced up. Stone to the gills, Jack. I went home.

I hit the vapor pan. I rolled the number for us. Just out of respect. I had that weed. I've had that weed at the house for a fucking month. I wanted to get rid of it. It was dry. It was beautiful.

Yeah, it was nice. It was tremendously. Come on. Who the fuck loves you more than, man? I miss your cock sucker. Two weeks, we can't have these people on the street. We've got a lot of shit going on. I'm getting the webpage revamp.

Joey Coco Diaz.net. We're going to put some J.Rs putting some t-shirt on. I got a hoodie coming at you. I got a long-sleeved podcast t-shirt and a short-sleeved t-shirt coming at you. I got testicle testaments for coming at you. It's on pre-order right now on iTunes. What else? I got next 17th at the improv in Irvine.

And then the 25th, I'm over at Flappers on a Friday night, two shows, because I'm shooting a TV show that week, so I'm pretty happy about that. Oh shit? Yeah. So I also picked that up. It was like two things.

I had a stay in town anyway. I couldn't go to Chicago with Joe. I'm fucking furious. I wanted to go because Clay Gwita was fucking fighting in that. And I'm happy my boy, me. Listen, man, I've become a fan. What are you looking at me all stone for? What do you mean?

What are you looking at me all stone for? Look at you. A little yellow shit. shirt looking all snazzy and shit I'm trying to stick them in the house 2013 I get together a studio I've got some great guests lined up for you motherfuckers already

I got the Tim Donahue book so I'm going to start reading that when I tap off the Stephen King book and then I'm going to have him back on with more interesting stuff he caught me off guard you know that that guy's an interesting story and beside that like I said Jill Himutsu is the new Gemma of Dead Squad

International you know I'm going to go to Dead Squad Hall I'm gonna see them and Caroline's hopefully in March and that's it motherfuckers the next time we talk on Wednesday morning will be back here and I will officially be a father and I gotta tell you man me and Lee last year we had a great time fucking around with you people the documentary to this and that this and that and now we're doing it we're doing it even on a Sunday night we don't fuck around dog we got somebody a call real quick you know I was gonna have Brody call but I

have Brody called during the week Brody's doing great I want you guys guys to know, you know, I check up on these motherfuckers. So when I call them, when they call back in, we all get to talk, and we're all fucking family. And that's it, man. It's January 2nd. You know, I was telling somebody, you know, they're Flappers. I went to Flappers.

Bobby Slant was performing, and I went down there, and some kid, you know, they had the Yuga Room in the back. Yeah. Flappers is just like a parade going on at all time. Like, people like the economy slow. Go to Flappers. They got 19 comedy rooms going. They got comedy at the bar, comedy in the hallway.

come to the patio, a big room, the Yuhu Room. And I'm going to be there. I can't wait to fucking be there. I got green fucking wings with a blue cheese. I swear to God, they got the best blue cheese dressing at flappers. It's like this blue cheese garlic-y fucking combination. And you go home, it's like going to a Japanese restaurant. You go to a Japanese restaurant and dip your fucking meat in that sauce. Oh, I love that sauce.

And you go home, those farts are fucking tremendous. If I went to Benihana for the lunch special a couple weeks ago, fucking tremendous. But what was I going to? I'm a fucking kind of here. Comedy you're going to be in flappers? Oh, flappers, the wings. That's right.

Thank God Lee's here tonight with his Alibaba fucking beard tonight. So they have this blue cheese combo. I'm telling you people, you have bad breath for three fucking days. My sleep apnea smells like shit for a week. You got a dip in the fucking water and soap and boil it. And that's what we got going on, people. That's it. We got another show coming at you Wednesday.

The New England Patriots playing next Sunday, brother? Maybe we'll decide if we're doing. That's a great game. What did you think of the games today, Lee? Tell me the truth. I only got to watch a little piece of it. I really, even though I don't want to play Baltimore, so I hope Denver beats Baltimore,

I really, I respected Ray Lewis. You want to play Denver? I'd rather play them than Baltimore. I'll tell you some, dog. That guy is blowing my fucking mind. Yeah, Peyton Manning? Listen, I think I know about this and this. I don't know Dick, because I didn't think that guy was going to.

to make the whole season. No. I thought that guy was going to play four games and somebody's going to break his fucking spine. But you know what? They put nine white

guerrillas in front of him. They always do. Elway knows the deal. You want my corner man? Here's the deal. You got to put the best. You've got to put four white doors. These motherfuckers go to Fogo

to Chow and the waiters tap. Like when these guys go to Fogo the waiters run out of there, fuck this. Because you've got to bring a whole rack with you. That's what John Elway wants in front of you. So that's,

that's why it worked and they're solid up there they get you up there now with the No Hotto now he's are they playing they're playing in Denver next week oh yeah yeah let me ask you this let's pretend Denver wins does New England have to go to Denver yeah oh

we always have trouble with Baltimore though fucking it makes me nervous who has trouble with Baltimore you guys fucking their defense isn't that great their defense is just fantastic and fucking I don't know we beat Denver but that was early but I don't know I'm nervous

personally I'm nervous about Houston because we kicked their ass a few weeks ago and we're a huge favorite favorites now what's the line against Houston let me look it up but uh Houston's kind of having a hard time they're having a hard time they're mumbling they're stumbling they can't handle the success

listen I've been watching them for years and one thing about Houston they always cover they always cover fucking something so yesterday's game I don't even know if they kind of know what the line was guys I've been so fucked up. We're 10 point favorites. Oh, in New England. Yeah. Oh, shit. And I got to tell you,

my wife got out of work like the 16th. When did you leave? I loved Christmas, yeah. And for some reason, they confused me. They told me that, you know, her due date was the second, but we went to the doctor like the night, and they told them they got everything done that weekend that she was really open. Okay. So my wife panicked, and we went.

went. We did a bunch of fucking things, and we got everything ready. And nothing happened. And Christmas came. And like three days before Christmas, I found myself on there, just going to the laugh factory or something. And on the way home, doing like 90 on Laurel Canyon on the way home. And thinking to myself, why the fuck on my speed? And I go, oh, because I got to get home because my wife might have the baby. And going home and talking to her, and she looked fine. And we went to eat at a friend's house, Christmas Eve. And when I was sitting there, I looked at my wife, and I'm like, what the fuck am I thinking? Her due date is the second.

Okay? Yeah. She's 40 fucking three. She's going to be a week late. The second, that's the fucking ninth. I go, why have I been so stressed out to be at the house? And I want to tell you, I went out every night doing spots. I went to that thing with you.

I just went out of comedy. And I had a great time from Flappers to the Ha Ha Ha, to the Laugh Factory, to Long Beach. And I told her, don't call me unless a hand is popped up. That's it. If I don't see that little finger, like that finger with the doctor the other day, you see it? Yeah. If I don't see that, don't fucking call, you know. And look, I was right. She's going to have the kid tomorrow. Yeah, the seventh. The seventh, which is, in my house, in those days, they give you cash in the morning.

My mom would give me like $150. Then she'd go come to the bar. You pick up another couple yards. Your daughter's really a Cuban juice. She's coming out today for the money. Yeah, she's coming out for the fucking dough in the seventh. It's amazingly. I can't tell you. I feel like right now. Wednesday's going to be an interesting podcast. I feel numb.

Really? Because I thought you were numb before this and now it's kind of hitting you. I don't know. Like I told you, we've always had that conversation. I don't want to know about nothing until I'm right there and ready a rock. When I was a kid, we had this kid on a football team. I didn't play football that year.

His name was George Mubb. And this kid was a savage. He was a fucking savage. Just a street savage. Listen, there's tough people and there's street savages. He was from Jersey City, and he had transferred to North Bergen because they threw him out. Jersey City had like eight schools in high school. When they throw you out of a Jersey City school, you're the fucking top of the fucking cream.

They threw him out of the school in Jersey City. He comes to North Bergen. He stopped showing up for practices. This kid was an all-state lineback. He stopped showing up for practices. So when there's teacher that I was fucking around with George McGrath has to go to his house and find out what's going on with this kid. kid, you know, he's already crazy.

What's going on with this guy? I see McGrath. I'm like, how'd he go last night. He goes, I got to tell you what this kid told us. I go, what he said? He goes, listen, I don't like practicing coach. He goes, this is what you do. He goes, get a cage, put me in it, and lock me up. He goes, throw booze in there

and weed and cigarettes and just let me out on game day, coach. He goes, I don't want to practice. And that's like me. I don't want to fuck around. You're ready to rock. You come get. We'll have the baby. But until then, I don't want to think. I got shit I got to think about Lee. Yeah.

You gotta think about shit. You know, you gotta write. You gotta stay focused. I got so much on my plane. If I start thinking about April of May, I fuck myself in the ass. And how do I know I did it for years? When I got the old so when I was 21,

I would worry about September, 2016. Why the fuck are you worried about September? I don't know what the fuck's gonna happen. 2016. What the fuck you worried about? Yeah. You get your insurance plan, you know, you leave some money for you.

If I leave, Syatt. And that's it. Leigh, I get the fuck out of you. I'm going to see if she needs for me to go down. And listen, man, forget the support you've given us with docs and shit like that and donations from time to time and all that. Let me tell you something.

What these guys have done for you in the last couple days when I just fucked around the other day and said the doctor sent this back, you know, stick a finger up her ass and everything and all this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for sending me to love you, send me, motherfuckers. You know, it's scary.

This shit's got my... If you want me to come up here and tell you, I'm going to be tough. How far for you? This is scary having a kid. I failed, especially when you failed once. You know, who wants to try this fucking shit again? This is life.

This is for keeps. It's not like buying a car. You take it back with a lemon law. You know what I'm saying? You're stuck with this fucking thing. Jesus? For 20 fucking years. Win place and show.

You know what I'm saying? Whatever he comes out, I mean, what are you going to do? So this is a very big commitment. I'm scared to shit. I never wanted to be involved in this. I like kids. I love kids. I'll do anything for your kid.

I'll take them to the track. I'll do anything to you from the park. I'll do anything to you from. Whatever the fuck you want. I'm great with kids because I talk to him from the heart. I'm a kid. What a fucking kid?

I am a fucking kid. I am not fit. In my mind, like, yeah, my body. Listen, the other day I've seen Willie Nelson. I was looking at Willie Nelson interview. I'm like, you know what? Willie Nelson was old when I first saw. And I go, you know who always has that quality of me?

When I was 20, I looked like I was 50. Like, I've had this face. This is a face I had when I was 16 and shit. You go to North yearbook, 1978, the freshman football basketball

team, get that picture, put it online, I'll send you a shirt or something. Lisa, I had, 1978 freshman basketball

team. Put that fucking pick up. I got an afro, the whole fucking deal. I got two needles for a show. Then after that,

I discovered the Italian food frigadels, and I was doing fucking curls in the basement. Anyway, thank you very much.

I will keep you guys posting on Twitter when she has the child and all this and pictures. And thank you to Emilio

for calling from Sons of Anarchy, follow him on Amila Rivera and my brother Lysiah. Great to see you, cock. Sucker, Stone to the bone, stuttering, mumbling. What do you got?

What music are? Any dance music? I got a surprise for you. Hit it. Let's see. I can't listen to it, but let's even... Oh.

Oh, the 7th, Irvine Improvine Improvons, motherfuckers. It's 17, 8 o'clock. You're ticket. The 25th. I'm in a flappy. Oh, oh. Oh.

Have a great fucking Monday. You know I love you. You got a whole shot And doing whatever the fuck you want to do I want to be around We'll play that Wednesday for you I forgot about it Yeah

Uh, what else? Oh Beathe Gailen Grace What? Lee Let me see you're working Cocksetta Oh shit

Back in the club Where you find me I love you Cucksuckuckers Thank you very much For all the love Stay black Have a great fucking week

Go out there sling dick Fuck it You got another chance 2013. Tell them all the fuck you're pink. What? Dead Squad cock suckers. Red Band Rogan.

Arizaa, Duncan Treasel. Bravo. Burt Kreisha. The fucking Kramitsky's sisters. Everybody. Give them love.

We give you love back. Have a great week. True fucking players. Jump in the rover and come over tell your friends jump in the G.S.3. I got the chronic by the tree. a true player to the honey's getting money playing niggas like funny you got a gun up in your

ways please don't shoot up the place because I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby