The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 01/13/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #45

Episode Date: January 14, 2013

Joey and Lee talk to betting genius the Philly Godfather. Tom "Buns" Segura also calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo Code CHURCH for a discount. Streamed live on 01/13/2013

Kick it, Lee. Oh shit. Oh, shit. It's the Lord's Day. Sunday, January 13th. Except you are there. Ha ha ha ha. The church of what's happening now.

Joey Cocoa is my main man. Lee Boom, Boom. Where's the envelope? Zayat, aka the flying motherfucking Jew. Here we go. Oh shit. Oh shit. What you thought was your daddy?

was nothing but a... Oh shit! The Lord's Day! Kidnately! Little wiggle, a little wiggle. Get these feet. Get the block gone, let's it. All right, we're here,

motherfucker. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Thank you for tuning in. Sunday. What is it? The 13th, who the fuck knows? I ain't know goddamn calendar. It's great to be here.

You're feeling good, you're looking good. Last night when I got home at 1.30 in the morning, I went out of line because I was fucking around early. I was listening to Nize Stone to the gills. I went outside of my balcony and tried to smoke a joint. I'm not allowed to smoke in the house no more

because of the baby. So I got to go, you know, you can smoke the vapor in the house, but when you got it, late night, you want to hit it, you want to see the devil. You got to go out in the fucking balcony and roll like one of those little gorilla fingers I rolled this morning. Look at Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. Look at Lee Leelon. Stone to the gills already, how I like it. Look at him. Those little Chinese eyes.

I show up. He ain't got no fucking bagels here. He's the only Jew without a fucking bagels here. I don't know when there's a bagel show. I go, that's the first thing a Jew does when he lands on a destination. He goes on his iPhone, he goes on his rock, and he presses his bagel, and it comes right up three blocks away. That's the first thing a

Jew does. When a Cuban lands, first thing he looks for his bananas, fucking coconuts. I'm sorry, I've been slipping, man. You're slipping. This is why I love you, though, because we fucking all slip, you know. But I got home last night, and I went to, first of all, I went to the ha-ha, to close it out. Oh, great.

Friday, I went to this little club, and Vaisal, whatever the fuck it was, but last I went to the ha-ha, it was. Oh, it's freezing. Just a little, you know, even this morning, there ain't nothing going on. The sun's out, you dumb motherfucker. I'll take it to some cold place. I'll take it at Riverton, Wyoming,

where you don't even want to walk. You'll starve. You open up your door, and you're like, I'm not walking to eat. I read a fucking star. If you lived in Riverton, we both weigh 110 fucking pounds. Fuck that.

I went to the Taco guy last night. I was good all week, stuck to my points. I'm going to weigh in today. I'm going to go to the 1030 meeting today. Okay. Sure, why not? I'm going to weigh in. I worked hard this week.

I ate vegetables. I ate more fruit. I drank more water. That month with my wife walking and driving and fucking eating every day. Three meals out killed me, bro.

And I maintained it. I gained some weight, but it wasn't like what it should have been. Using the holiday season, you could put away 20, 30 fucking pounds. I gained like 8 to 10 pounds. Yeah. But I'm back now.

I have to weigh myself for that. How are you feeling, cock sucker? I'm feeling fucking great. That's why I like this Omnit shit. Go to Onet.com. Really. Get your life together.

I've been working with the immune weight. Okay. And the Shroom Tech immune, because this is the season, guys. And how it works is, I mean, it puts some really bad stuff in you and makes your body work harder to surround that germ. I'm reading. I'm getting ready at my, I'm getting better at my comprehension. So it's like a flu shot. It's like a flu shot.

It's like a flu shot. Yeah. And, I mean, everybody's got it. So you got to wash your hands. You got to, you know, you can't swap spit. You can't fucking suck no dick or no strange pussy. But sometimes a good fucking piece of pussy is good for the flu. That'll kill that fucking bug right off the bat.

You look a little ass holie. Some of that little chlamydia juice and shit, it's all over. Oh, God. I know they have the flu. You fucking cock-sucking. Anyway. What was they saying? Anyway, all right, so I went over.

I got two nice fucking nice chicken tacos from the Mexican. No hot dogs, though. Oh, okay. No hot dogs. Yeah, bacon. They're eight points, and it's two fucking peat. It's like three points, but they don't use real bacon. They don't use the Oscar-Meyer, slim-cutting.

They use that Puerto Rican shit from the foot of the fucking pig, which is all where all the Jew water juices where you get fat and shit, you know, with a fat, Fat Man Alert, Fat Man Alert, where the fat juices and when you wrap it around the hot dog, it seeks in, it puts, you know, instead of a hot dog being eight points with the bun, it's like 19. Oh, yeah.

So if you eat two fucking hot dogs, with your pot smoking, two hot dogs, is dick in this day and age. Yeah. Especially at two in the morning. But I tell you something about those Mexicans, I think they fucking chop up Valiums and put them in your tacos. because I slept like a baby.

But when I got home last night, Jill Mitsu, Jill Himitsu, the Gemma of Dead Squad, my girl that puts the calendar together, said that she, I read one of her tweets, and she's like, you know, it's Joey so alert,

so alive in the mornings, you know, and that's why I was thinking a fucking pro gem. Let me tell you something, guys. If you're not alive in the morning, I hate, you ever bump into somebody the person they say to you're fucking tired? That's going to kill your day right there.

In the back of your mind, you're fucking tired. That means you're not alert, you're not looking for shit. You're not hustling. When I wake up in the morning, listen, ever since I was like 31, I knew I was lucky to be alive.

So when I wake up in the morning, I wake up like a fucking savage. I wake up ready to fucking take somebody's head off. You got to wake up, enthused about the day, and that's why I do this early in the morning. To show people, get the fuck up. So what if you smoke dope

and do coke and do heroin until 6 in the morning? You sleep two hours? You get up, you drink a Coke, a butter roll, some fucking cranberry juice, and bang! You're out there. You're out there. You know, throughout the day,

you get the day gone and at 2 o'clock you're tired you go home and you take a two-hour cat-knit. You get up, you wear another ounce of blow and you go out there and sell it at night. That's just how it fucking works, people. If you're going to commit to something, commit, you know, nothing bothers me more.

That's why I have all the fucking respect for you in the world, Lee. And I mean this from the bottom of my hour. You're a young guy, 24, 25. Most young guys come out here. If it don't happen for them, but in a year, they pack their bags and they go home.

They think there's like a fucking playground out here or in any other fields. You know, kids go to college, and you've got to commit this shit. That's why people hire college kids because they committed to something for four fucking years. Yeah, that's all that. It's not because of the degree in science or whatever. I've seen motherfuckers with more more degrees, you know, geology,

throwing rocks and shit. Whatever the fuck of it. You're going to be a great waiter at a fucking rocky restaurant. You follow me? But it's amazing the commitment that it takes. And people get pissed at me. I've lost a thousand friends over my commitment to comedy. Because they can't figure out in my mind how, you know, I can't take a weekend off.

Or I can't take yesterday, my friend came over the house to see the baby, Damon, with his wife, who I love Dealey. But you know what? I miss two days of fucking kickboxing on Monday and Tuesday. I already told the guy I do three kickboxing a fucking week. You know, when you say you're going to do something, you got to fucking do those kickboxing because it's for you. It's not for money. It's not for anybody could go to a job and get paid. Let me see.

You have to do something for yourself. Those are the things that we can't. I'll go next week to the gym or I go tomorrow or whatever. These are little things you've got to push aside. But this is the way I use comedy and people get fucking pissed off. And even with the podcast, most people would have quit this podcast really. At 6 in the morning, they would have said, no, I can't do this no more. It's not like we're getting fucking rich over here and making any money.

We're doing this on fucking spite to get our word out, to help you with the fucking sound, to learn something. And then along the way, we pick up a sponsor here, so be it. It's like a fucking cherry in the top of you like doing this. Yeah, it's fun. You were telling me you got online last night. by yourself, Coxuck. It was like a little church. It was like a mini church. Yeah, it was a mini church.

It's wanted to see if, because we got all this new equipment. I wanted to see if it worked. But, yeah, man, I have a lot of friends back home weeks. I actually have a friend moving out here. She's leaving tomorrow, actually. You're moving with you? No, no, no. You can't get her to stay on the couch. You get a little boccaloo in the middle of the night, dirty bastard. Oh, Jesus. But a lot of people, I don't know if it's back east or whatever.

They think California is like a hidden secret. Like, no one can get a job here. but there's a lot of fucking jobs here and I don't know what it is but people it's I mean it is scary to try but I mean I don't understand that like I know it's scary to try but why like a lot of people just don't try

listen man you know anybody who's young old whatever I see them get up and do make a move for themselves you know how hard it is to leave your comfort zone yeah do you have any fucking idea do you have any idea how hard this when most people leave their comfort zones

it's very hard I don't get angry at somebody. At least they tell me the truth. I've had friends that have moved from where they live to California. I know three off the top of my head. The dear friends of mine, and they've come out here for a week or two weeks or a month, and they've just been overwhelmed, and they've gone back. They're out of their comfort zone. I understand it.

You know, I went to the YMCA for a year and a half. I started putting on weight. You know why? I was in the comfort zone. I had to go somewhere where I was pushed. People don't like doing that shit. That's even a bigger step for people. people leaving the comfort zone. I understand it. Yeah, there was a guy at one of my last jobs who, he talked to all this big game,

and he finally got his dream job at CAA, which is, like, the biggest agency out there, out here in California. And it was funny, I didn't like him, because he rode me the wrong way. He was always very pompous and pretty arrogant. And I found it within a week, like, they shoot him up and spit him out,

and now he's, like, oh, he's working back in Orlando with his dad taking his, like, leasing, leasing, license, which is fine, but it's just funny that that happened to some people. You know, man, people get into shit without knowing what they get themselves into. Yeah. And now they're into it, and they're deep, and they've got a mortgage, and they've got a family, and they can't get out, and that's in the drinking, that's the beginning of an happiness. So it helps to know what you really want to fucking do.

Yeah. You know, if you think you want to be, I had a friend that came out here with 22 things. I have people that come out here, and they never works. No, they start as an actor, then they become a comic, and they want to become a producer. Then they want to become a director, and then they fucking direct themselves right to fuck back to whatever time they're from. Because they're done. They're done. You know, you never heard me say, I'm a director.

I could have told people I directed the documentary. It's not my fucking game. Yeah. I'm a fucking comic dog. I'm a dirty, fucking disgusting comic that gets hired for TV from time to time. And looks out, did you see the two and a half men? I didn't see it. Go to YouTube.

Let's see. I don't know if people fucking liked it. Listen, I had a great time doing it. They called me and they were like, hey, hey, see it. Hey, Joey, a breakdown came out for two and a half men for a soprano that sings or whatever. You're interested? And then something to be called, and they go, if you say yes, you'll probably get it. Just go in there.

And I was like, when there's a shoot? And I start shooting tomorrow. You got to be there for four days. I was like, what the fuck am I doing? I'm just going to take a book and go down there and read. And I read that rest of America and Desperado. And I started the Stephen King book. So it was great for me.

Yeah, you call me one at like 11 o'clock. You've been here all day. I haven't done shit. I haven't done shit. I've been smoking dope, reading fucking books, eating, you know, salads and cookies and shit. You know, after a while, when you go on those, listen, when I first got basketball and I was on that set, I was going nuts. I wanted to stab somebody. I got to sit here all day.

And then when they tell you at five, you're not working today, you're like, you can't be fucking serious. Now it's just a job for me. I go down and I sit. I know exactly the ins and out. Last year, I did general hospital. And I'll tell you what, man. I'm happy. I got general hospital at a late time when I was out.

out here than early because if I would have came out here and by mistake stumbled on general hospital they would have fired me why because that's a no fucking drama show they don't fuck around on those shows there's no hand nobody's holding your hand okay you know when you do a big movie people hold your hand hi Lisa Ayat it's great to have you oh my god follow me to your locker you know to your room and they put you in this trailer then they'd have paperwork for you and they give you a pen and they ask you if you want a soft drink and you Like a soft drink, you know, and they go get it for you. And then they tell you wardrobe's coming, and they walk you to wardrobe.

And then when you come out of wardrobe, they're standing, they walk you to makeup, and then they walk you back to your trail, and they tell you how funny you are. They blow some, I got water in my ear from washing my pussy to fucking shower. They tell you, you know, they tell you, I hate fucking when the water stays in the rush, and the fucking Q-tip don't work. So, you know, they tell you all this shit, but at least they guide you. Yeah. They give you a script.

They give you little sides. when you walk into general hospital they just say welcome to be here your room's 318 look at the telepromp they'll tell you when to come down and you got to sit there and get dressed on your own they'll tell you, saying you fucking and you go down there and they just shoot

there's no fucking hot. You must love that now oh I love it I love it I fucking adore this shit now yeah now it's like second I think about how lucky I am as a comic being here 15 years it's going to be my anniversary January 29th I landed here I think a 15 years

I got a ass try. Yeah, 97, right? Yeah. Or 16 years, something like that. 98 I got it. Okay. And I fucking love it. I love that I've been acting.

I got a fucking resume for acting. When I'm 55, I could pop a TV show by mistake and don't feel comfortable that I'm on the set. When I go to act now, it's like doing stand-up. I've done it so many fucking times. And I can't imagine you're two on the script. I mean, I'm sure you can be. Well, TV, no.

TV, always. I always get in trouble when I do TV. Always. Always. I checks in my ear the whole time. The, please. Joey, too. You know, it's always. I can't remember fucking lines. But I do my best. You know, I do my best. And that's all that matters is doing your best.

Now, that seems weird to me. Why, I mean, I guess it makes sense. But why are comics trying to be actors? Because it seems like it's not the same thing. Listen, no comic. When you get into comedy, somewhere in your mind, by the way, I was watching the toy last night with Jackie Gleason and Richard Pryor.

You know, Richard Pryor was one of the best comedians of all time. He did films. I mean, yeah, he was addicted to Coke, and he had 19 kids, and he did money for blow, whatever fuck it is. But that's the extension of it. To me, it always felt like that was the extension of it. I mean, it makes sense a little bit. I mean, to be funny, but it seems like they're similar,

but they're kind of different. They are different, but it's something else in that genre. Okay. You know, why play running back when I'm a linebacker? Okay. Oh shit You follow me? Why go on special teams

And I'm a linebacker I'm on that fucking genre I might as well do it And then you become a writer Whatever the fuck you want to become Even if you want to direct You know But I could see a

I could see it I shouldn't say this Because I'm like I could see a comic Want to be a really good director Over an actor That's not like if he's a good actor I don't think it could be a good director

But he's a mediocre actor And he has a different eye for it Like Phil Jackson It wasn't the best basketball fucking player in the world, but he ended up being one of the best coaches of all time with Red Arbach. Does that mean he's the greatest coach because he won the most championships? Or does that mean he's a great coach because he understood the game and he understood how to transfer it to people, how to put people together?

It's not just having five great basketball players. That's what it was. The Celtics, the heat, would have won every fucking year. You know what I'm saying? It's getting those five people to grind. Look at the Lakers now. Lakers can't get it together. You watch the fucking Lakers.

Makes me so happy? Oh, it's a horror show. It's a fucking horror show to watch the Lakers. I never liked that guy from Orlando, Dwight Howard. I've never liked him. You know, a nice guy, sweetheart of a guy. That's not what I'm looking for in the Senate. Yeah.

I'm not looking for a smiling little... I'm not looking for some smiling little motherfucking black guy. I'm looking for an evil black guy from Memphis with red veins in his eyes that's still mad at white people. And he's even mad at most black people for talking white. You follow him and saying to you? I need an angry guy. He reminds me of Danny Manning from the University of Kansas.

They won the championship at Kansas, and he came out, he bombed. When you were a Sunday, you've got to be like Moses Malone. Moses Malone's a savage. Kevin Garnett, the best told the bitch. What do he tell me? His wife tasted like Honeyna Chirio's Clash. I heard against the mailman one year.

They were playing. Was it Kevin Garnett? Jerry Rocher was telling me the story. They were playing against Utah, and the mailman was going to shoot a free throw or something. And Kevin Garnett looked at him and he goes, you know, the mailman don't deliver on Sunday. Really? He talk shit all the time.

And people hate him on all the team. I love him. I love him. I've always loved Kevin. You've got to say shit to people sometimes. Throw him the fuck off. People have done it to me, and I've bitten the hook. Once you bite the hook, you're like, oh, I get it. This is fantastic. And he went right for the fucking juggler. And I wrote, fuck. He ate a black chick. Last time I ate a black, she tasted like honey-n-na-na-c.

Count Chalk, you love. She was delicious. But it's funny that you said comedians are good directors, because I just, watched God Bless America, that Bob Cat Goldaway movie. How is it? Fucking great. He's been a fucking director. I haven't seen his other stuff and I've heard it's great too, but that movie's fucking awesome. What does a comedian do? Before I go on stage in my mind,

I got to set myself up, I got to the cam, you know, there's tricks that you do when you learn how to inflict your voice. That's directing. That's directing. You know, I got to go up. I got to material when to do this, when to step. It's not just about going up and standing with the microphone. Your body language has tons of do with it.

Your energy on stage, how to move that left foot, that's directing. Yeah. I never knew that until I watched Roseanne on Larry King Live. See that she talked about how a comic could do a bunch of different facets. Yeah. And that's when it gave me more confidence. Because in my heart, I'm just a guy telling dirty jokes on stage. I don't have the respect that I have now for my, what I'm doing and what I had 10 years ago.

I always thought I was just a neighbor to a guy on stage, and it reflected. It reflected. You know, now I'm talking about what got me going and whatever the first. fuck. You know what I don't want to talk about the kid no more because it's not really what I'm thinking but I'm having a good time at home with the baby and my wife. My wife's really happy. I want to thank everybody for all the support

and the love and I was fucking. You know, I had a headache for the last month. Oh, you must have, yeah. I had a headache from the stress of what is it going to come? Is the kid going to be sick? Is my wife going to fucking die? Oh, you thought that? Oh, fuck. When you're a guy like me,

you know, somebody, my buddy Mike Duffy, who's been on on the podcast wrote something when I put the picture the other day and he goes I wish he doesn't see the dark things

you saw as a child and I hate I love Mike Duffy and I love my friends from North Bergen but time to time they mention shit like that and I don't like hearing that

I don't even want to think of that side of my life I like what I see all I can pray is right you know that she doesn't see a lot of this shit but I wanted her to see this stuff because that's what led me here

to hang out with the motherfucking flying you bitch It's the Lord's Day. Leelie Leeland is smiling from ear to ear. His New England Patriots are giving

10 motherfucking points. It makes me nervous, though. In Foxborough. Do they still playing Foxborough? Yeah, it's in Foxborough. It's called Gillette Stadium now, but yeah. Jolette Stadium. Jolette Stadium. That's big money up there in Boston. They're giving 10 points to the Houston, Texans. What are you thinking, y'all?

What happened in Denver yesterday freaks me out? I think we'll beat Houston, but I'm nervous about Baltimore. We already lost to Baltimore this year. Why are you thinking about Baltimore? Let's just beat Houston. You follow what I'm not? That's what the players say, but I'm not playing. Let's just be fucking Houston.

That's the problem with America. Everybody's worried about Baltimore or what they're going to do. Nothing you can do about Baltimore. You got to beat Houston. Did you watch Strike Force last night? No, no, that was on? Yeah, it was on. It was some KJ. Noons.

It was a good fight. We're against Ryan Corto. It was some great fight. We're talking sports. Was that the last strike force? The Lord's Day. I got the Philly. Godfather calling up at 935, talking about picks and

bets and he's talking about the referee's book Tan Dhani's book that I just got and I haven't started reading yet. We're going to give you his fucking moves as he calls him and then my brother Tom Boom Boom Sogura is calling at 10 o'clock to talk to you motherfuckers

here on the Lord's day. Let's play a little music for this cuck suckers Lee. Why fuck around here? Oh shit! Do it. Oh shit's a beautiful motherfucking day to be a lot of people. Watch the podcast, write your goals for the week today. And Get out there, stab a motherfucker.

Like the caveman. They went out. They stabbed somebody. They mugged them. They went home. They bought some fucking beer and a vink and a fur, and they came home. You know what I'm saying? They hung out with the family of the Lord's right.

Just waking up. What? Lee, it's waiting for you. The number of God. I don't know how you get a hit off of that. You know how to get a hit. You fucking put your lips on it and you suck backwards. Like, there's a make believe there's a hot dog in here.

It's about as big as your freaking peaking nail. Come get a fake hit from Uncle George. Another 20. Hego Lee. I'll stab you. You'll do the podcast and I'll take you to the hospital later. I swear to you got. There's Dick Syatt.

You talked to that cuck's up. Yeah, talk to him yesterday. Send him to him to yesterday. Send him to love my main man, Dick Sallat. Kigginle, blast it. Catch me on the court and I'm trouble. Last week fucked around and got a triple double. Freaking brothers every way like N-J.

What? Wiggle for me, Lee. A little wiggle. It's the Lord's Day. Come on, Lee. We'll give Uncle Joe a little wiggle. Come on. Yeah.

That's a boy. Yeah. Suck it now. What? Lysayat in the motherfucking house the flying Jew. What? That has to be my ringtone now. What's that, brother?

The rap you just did. I want to give some shout-outs and some beautiful fucking people. Manolis, Lagottis, Ligitis, Rock OS, Greg S. Nichols, Frankie Westland, David Hild. The podcast pit. I love you, cock suckers. Thank you for the inspiration.

You know what do you mean you overslept? Jill Himitsu. Wash that monkey, get up, get that coffee out. Jeffrey Joints, I love you. Scott Free. Albert, you knew I fucking love you. I'll bet. John Salami, 10th Planet, covering for me last week.

I want to give me some love. Corey Blumel. And that's it. What the fuck else you want for me? You know what I'm saying? It's the goddamn Lord's Day. My main man, Justin Claudel. We had a little chat yesterday.

He's going to get it together. Justin's going to be my little fucking protege out there. Where where the fuck he lives? Kentucky slinging dick. Higher, Justin, for little events and we'll fucking give you a plug on here. Right, cocksuckers, that's how I roll. What's going on there? Jill Himitsu overslep.

You got to get off those fucking volumes, cock sucker. Wake up, it's a beautiful day to be alive. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, we were talking about committing to something. You know, and how people get pissed off at me at times because I don't take vacations or, you know, just, It's just amazing how In 94,

95, I moved back to Boulder and I would go home at night and there was this comedy newspaper at the time put out by John Fox and the back of the newspaper they had all the clubs in the country and I would sit there at night and put stars next to the clubs

I wanted to perform at. You know, Zaney, Chicago, Caroline's New York, Ronnie Dangerfields, Seattle Underground, shit like that and I would cry. And I've told you about this before I would cry I thought I would never get to those places.

I'm like, I've been doing this for three years, and I've got ten minutes. Then I realize that the reason why I wouldn't get to those places is because there's only one way to get to those places for sure. And that's to believe in yourself, to gamble on yourself, but most importantly, to commit. Yeah, absolutely. You know what, ain't nothing fucking stopping me.

I'm playing that place. And once I play that place, then I'll play this place. And once I play that place, and you make a path for yourself. And I tell you, man, I cried, but that cry, gave me that pain and that fucking ferociousness to do it. And this is all I did for a while. You know, at 95, I had decisions to stay in Boulder and eventually stab my ex-wife

and end up in prison for the rest of my life and send jokes to Jay Leno. And that would have been fine and dandy because in the back of my mind I would have won, but I would have won the war. I would have lost a battle. So the way I could have beat this bitch and everything else was by beating life, by committing to this shit.

Yeah. Which means that sometimes you've got to sleep on a fucking floor, which means, you know, it's funny. I was thinking about that. You know who the biggest germophobia is that you know Lee? Probably you. Yeah, me. But you know how you get over germophobia?

You go to prison. Prison takes care of every fucking phobia there is. Yeah, you're shit and in the Jews. You follow me? Yeah, you know. Prison will take care of every... That's why I don't believe in phobias. That's why I don't believe in none of that shit.

When people come to you and I have this, how about I smack you in the fucking mouth? Because if you, what are you going to do when you're in jail? When you're in a cell, you're going to tell them you're claustophobia? They're going to say you should have thought about that before you fucking killed that old lady in your car when you were drinking and driving. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So get that shit.

What are you going to go see a 6'4 black guard and tell them I have a rockophobia? I can't put metal in my mouth. How about I stick it up your ass? How about I take this fucking plastic fork and shove it up your fucking ass? I know a lot of people that couldn't eat off plastic silverware. Oh yeah. Really? People always have a phobia.

You think if you go to prison, you got sleep back and you get a machine. Go fuck yourself. There ain't no machine. You'll take care of it. sleep apnea on your own. There's so many things that life takes care of on its own. You know what I'm saying? Did you hear what happened in Massachusetts? What happened? There's this guy

well now it's a girl. This this guy sued the state and they got they got the state to pay for his sex change and his legal fees so he's getting a sex change on the state because he thought he would like he wanted to get a sex change and he sued and the state

has to pay for it now they're pissed off. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, sometimes it works against you. But I had all the phobias in the world. I wouldn't touch a doork. You know, I'm a, I'm a sick fuck. You said your mom was a clean freak, right? My mom was a clean freak, so it was bad. But I'm like a prudish in a way. Like, I didn't

eat ass till later on. Like, I was like you. I didn't tell you. I liked it when I was 16. I looked at him and thought it was filthy. When I was 16, if a chick sucked my dick, I would kill her. I thought it was disgusting. I thought she was Satan. You know, just little things like that. I mean, but prison takes care of every footh.

There is. If you got a phobia and you can't figure it out go to prison, you'll wash your ass 18 times. You know those people turn the light on

and shit like that? You'll be washing your asshole 18 times a day and they'll help you. They'll help you for sure. Fistophobia. What the fuck is wrong with this? I wouldn't recommend it for everybody

but it worked for you. What are you? I didn't get a fist up my ass, Lee. What are you suggesting? I'm saying I wouldn't recommend people going to jail to get into their phobias.

No, but you never know. It's sometimes it takes care of the situation. You just got really serious. You're like, I didn't get a fizzed up my head. No, no, I'm just fucking in mind you, but it's just funny how people always have a disease now

or a phobia or an ADD thing going on. Stop it. Stop it, cock suck. If I put you in Cuba with no medication, you do just fucking fine, you understand? Crazy people, I need pills now. Why? I never heard that shit. I have friends that are suffering from depra. I don't know. It fucking drives me crazy sometimes.

But I have another friend that gets really depressed, and he just got off the medication, and he replaced it with refra. He says he's having a great life. Oh, great. You know, sometimes, listen, man, I snorted Coke for all those years. And one day I came to the conclusion that I didn't stop the addicting. I just took care of the solution.

I was the solution to the pain. You're snort and do drugs because there's a pain. There's something that's not right. You're in pain somewhere, as they call it, the wasps call it. You're self-medicate. No, I'm getting fucking high. When I shot heroin and snorted coke was to see the devil, and listen to Led Zeppelin, so it remains the same.

but in the real sense you're trying to block some type of pain you know it was the pain from my daughter not having you know losing my daughter into divorce and not being there for her feeling inferior as a man because you couldn't be a fucking dad it was because my mom the drugs you know now once you say like fuck it you put that behind you those shit go away you don't need no meetings and nobody hugging you nobody rubbing your feet you just go do your thing we're fucking rehab for 18 fucking years fuck you

what up Lee yeah you're sitting there all fucking mongled up with you You little New England patchy the shirt. Look at you. I got to have it on. But I was thinking about it. I wanted to ask you that I started a commercial the other day for Hillside Malibu. It's a fucking rehab place. Right.

And they sell a book. And on the commercial, they say, our treatment's so good, we guarantee it. And fucking, I know you did it without rehab, but I know a lot of people who fucking went to rehab 18 times. 18 times. So how can they,

how can they guarantee it? They'll just keep reading you the fucking book. Just read it again. Read it again. After you read it 18 times. you'll be fucking saying. When you call them and say

we guarantee it, yeah, we guarantee it. Read it again. Read it again. And then when you call them again, I read it again, but it doesn't happen. Read it again. Eventually, I read it 18 times. I'm so bored to death reading this fucking thing. I'll never do blow again. Yeah. But I've thought about it. Like, how the fuck did I stop? I'm not better than anybody

else. My jeans aren't better than anybody else. How the fuck did I just stop like that? You know how I stopped like that? Because whatever I was fretting about, I worked out. I worked on my own. I had a long talk with myself. You're going to pay I heard a psychiatrist like a buck 50 now to go talk to somebody An hour, yeah, probably Are you fucking serious?

A 600 a month if I want to talk to you about what? Really? I think $35, I'm going to pay you a couple dollars. I'll bring you a soda with Paul. You know, I can take Burke Christ and buy my coffee and get the fucking same result. Are you thinking of becoming a psychiatrist? No, I'm just saying, for one third.

I'll tell you what, for 50 bucks I'll meet with you for an hour and a half, and I'll tell you whatever the fuck you want to hear, you know? I'll tell you how you're nice, how you're going to pull through this. But for $20, I'll meet with you smoke a joint, tell you the fucking truth. Yeah. You're what I'm saying to you? I think at $1.35, I'm going to tell you what you want to hear. But at $20, I'll tell you the truth.

I'm pissed, bleak. You show up, you give me $20, you show up with a half a joint instead of a full joint. You know what? You're a fucking bump. The reason you got problems because you're a Mama Luca de Ye. You're a fucking mook. Get your shit together. Yeah.

I mean, I've never been. into it. I know it helps a lot of people. But, I mean, it's the same thing as hospitals. When you think about it, they really have no incentive to make you better. Because if they're making that much money, why would they want to stop? Every time I go to a doctor, I learn more and more about the medical system

and I feel people who have no insurance. I feel for people who have no insurance. It's terrible. And I tell you what the crazy thing about this is, that even with insurance, you're getting fucked up the ass. Oh, yeah. You're getting fucked up the ass in so many ways. You know, 20 years ago, a woman had a baby. And I'm not crying here. My wife

It's tougher than fucking now. She's a farmer girl. She was ready to go the next day. She wanted to get the fuck out of them on anybody. But you know what? You could keep them in there for three days, but they don't give a fuck. You know, the first time we went to the hospital, they told us we didn't have enough beds.

Jesus. That's why they sent us home on Friday, which nothing was really happening. What were we going to do? Hold her in there on Friday. She wasn't going to have the kid until the 8th anyway. So I'm happy it all worked out like it did. Yeah.

But even with insurance, right now, when I go to a doctor, like this week, there you go. What's up, buddy? How are you, my friend? Good, how you doing, but? You know, buddy, just trying to put the pieces together on the Lord's Day. Who's on the line, my man, Steve? Yeah, you got it.

Steve, tell these guys a little bit about what you do, what your web page is about and your company, and then we'll talk about other things. Yeah, definitely, man, the Philly Godfather.com. I'm on the radio a lot on the East Coast. First time I'm talking to you, Joey. It's a sports gambling website. We don't take no bets.

We don't take no action. We'll give out information. And when you subscribe to the website, I actually give you the moon. moves that I'm on for the day. I don't give out picks. I give actual moves. These are games that actually move the lines in Vegas and Costa Rica and all the offshore books. I like it. How'd you do yesterday? We did good. I went three and one yesterday.

So you gave out two parlays? No, I gave out two college basketball games. Okay. Yeah, we do every sport. We do NFL. We do college basketball. We do baseball. We do baseball. We do NBA. We do everything where we think there's an edge. We try and find an edge and we bet on it. And how did you get into this, Steve? Well, about 25 years ago. I've been doing this for about 25 years.

I had a friend of mine. He approached me. And, you know, I was a street kid. I grew up in the streets in Philly. And he was a couple years older than me, and he's asking me to find some bookmakers. So I see, I know everyone in the city. I find some bookmakers. Why? He's like, just find some bookmakers. So I found him some bookmakers. So now I'm keeping track.

This guy's winning almost every week. He's betting games. And back then, you know, you're thinking about gamblers. You're thinking about degenerates. Guys that lose a lot. This guy just kept winning and winning. So then I stepped to him and I said, his name was Rooster. I said, Rooster, what's going on here?

You know, let me in. He goes, all right, come on. So then he takes him into this betting office. I walk into this office. There's about 30 guys, 30 phone lines. You got to remember this is 25 years ago. This was before the Internet. This was before, you know, all that stuff.

And there's a bunch of guys on the phone. And all they're doing is betting games all day long. And I was like, wow, these guys are on something. Next thing you know, he broke it down to me. He tells me if you find more bookmakers, I'll give you a percentage on all the games that we went. You know, you've got to get down as much as possible. So that's what I start doing. I start moving money for these guys.

And later on I found out who the main guys were and guys out in Vegas and guys offshore. Guys, you know, now they're all over the place. But these are some of the biggest, sharpest gamblers in the world. You know, even our friend of the show, my childhood friend, Danny, he said that you're amazing. He said that he's been following you for a while. while that he actually subscribed or something and he goes that you're fucking great with your bics and then he went down to

Philly and he met you and what's your other? He said he met you down in a boxing gym. Tell us about a little bit about that also. Yeah, it's Joe Hans boxing. I've been boxing since I was 10 years old. Everyone in Philly, I mean, even the girls know how to boxing film on every corner. So when you grow up in Philly, you want to have a fight.

So I've been, you know, boxing until I was 10 years old and now I'm a little older, so now I'm training pro fighters down there. I train this one kid, Waheed, Rahim. his brother's actually Zaire Rahim. He fought in the Olympics for our country. He was world champion, and he's actually getting,

he's getting the next Pac-Out fight coming on. Next time Pac-Out fight, he's going to be fighting him. His name is Zaire Rahim, so look out for that. And we train fighters down there, and, you know, I love boxing. That's what it's all about, you know what I mean?

Now you also give out boxing picks at every level on your, I suppose. Yeah, I mean, I'm professional gambit, man, wherever I think there's an edge, you know, I give out a move. I give out a, and I talk to, well, when it comes to boxing, I mean, I've been on stop, I think I'm hitting like 89% of my boxing picks for like the last three years. Because I know a lot of the boxing trainers.

I look for value. Put it this way. If there's a coin flip between these two guys and I think they're evenly matched, and one guy is getting 10-0-1-ons, well, you've got to take the other dog. I mean, anything can happen. You know, you've got to pay you on the fighter. You've got to bet it. So, you know, I took all the trainers around the country.

I go to a lot of, you know, the sparring. I go to a lot of, you know, where they're training at the different gyms all around the country. And I get information. I get information, and I make an educated guess. That's amazing. And you make a living at this. That's all I do. That's all I do is gambling.

You know, I invest a little bit. You know, I diversify. You know, I diversify. You got out to these days. And then back in about three months ago, I said, let me launch this website to help people out. You know, the recreational betters are always getting buried. The bookies are always taking advantage of them. So I started giving out my moves, and we've been killed it ever since the last three months.

And what you cost on the website there? It's a cheap. What I wanted to do, I didn't want to sell my information. So I decided to make it a subscription-based website. So it's $10 a month. It's like getting a channel on HBO or whatever it is on cable. So you pay $10 a month. That's all it is.

Everyone can afford it. And you get information. You get the games. And you can do what you choose with them. If you like my games, you can bet them. If you don't, you don't have to bet them. But we've got articles on there. We've got a forum section where people can talk to each other.

We've got my opinions page. We've got a handicapped toolbox that breaks down all the statistical trends, the angles, everything you can think of on here and now we'll start the video production inside we'll be doing videos we'll be picking down games on a daily basis

and then as a promotional thing the first 200 people I signed up back in October I gave away a free book Game in the game They wrote a book about us in our crew and as you know

Jimmy Patiste to the guy that was paying off the referee he was part of our crew so they got a little sex in the book in there about us So I made everyone who's in the book signed the book and I sent it back to all the guys

that signed up for a year year for free. You're a fucking gentleman of scholar now. You were also indirectly directly, I don't know if involved with the whole Donahey thing and he was a caller on the show. I just got his book and I haven't read it yet if you want to break that

situation a little bit more down to me. Well, I didn't read Timmy's book. I read the one they wrote about Jimmy. There's two different books here. That game in the game. And since, you know, I've known Jimmy for over 25 years. Good friends with him. Now who's Jimmy? Petitza. That's the guy that was actually set the whole thing up with Timmy Donahey.

That's the gambler that put it all together. Okay, Jimmy Battista. And he's a Philly guy. He's a Philly guy. Okay. I mean, I see him. I talked him on a daily basis still. I mean, we've been together for years.

Now, he has a book and Donahey has a book. Yeah, Donnie has a book. Now, you can believe Donahey's side, which I heard a lot of, you know, negative things about. I don't know. You know, there's always a couple of different sides of every story. Right, right. So I guess, you know, the books were written, you know, on his perception. This book was written on Jimmy's perception.

But from one, I know, I know, know about it from being on the inside. I mean, the game in the game is almost 100% accurate about what transpired, how it went down, how we actually used to move money for some of the sharpest scammers in the world back in the late 80s, early 90s, and then how we all, you know, went our own way and got our own betting offices and how we all learned how to handicap these games and learn the market value, you know, on the line, on the spreads when they come out, and how to find an edge betting into the market. How do you find the edge, like looking at a line? because that's what I usually look at.

The line for me tells you everything. Yeah, well, I mean, that's the market analysis side. Okay, so now you've got to look at the line. The line comes out, put this way, this line came out this week, Atlanta's favorite by a field goal over Seattle at home. Well, then you go back to situational factors. How many times of this line come out where number one seat has been favored by less than the touchdown over, say,

Seattle, in the past 15 years, how many times has that team covered? Well, the bad news for guys that want to bet Atlanta is, there's been only five different times. Atlanta's been favorite, number one scene's been favored by less than a touchdown, and it actually lost all five times. But then you've got to dig a little deeper and find more information. So then we go back to travel.

This team, Seattle, they've gone back and forth, West Coast, East Coast, two games in a row. Now, the last West Coast team that went back to back and had playoff wins on the East Coast, in 1989 Los Angeles Rams. So what that tells you is when these teams travel over a certain amount of miles, they get tired. By the time game time comes off, they're not 100%.

And they don't play as well. They don't react as well. I mean, you know, if you jump on a plane and you travel across the country, it's going to take you five, six hours to recoup the next day. You know what I mean? You're not the same player. So the travel really affects how these teams play in certain games and certain positions. That's fucking brilliant.

Yeah, and then you go deeper. You start going to the matchups. You're looking for edges. you're looking at the injury reports, you're looking who's banged up, who's not banged up, you look at the quarterbacks. You're like this week, the cornerbacks for Seattle, they're big physical cornerbacks, and they usually manhandle the Y receivers of certain teams. But this week they're playing Atlanta.

Atlanta's got some of the biggest most physical Y receivers in the league, and Julio Jones, Roddy White, and you got Tony Gonzalez. So these guys ain't going to be as effective against a certain team. And as, like in boxing, styles make fights, and the same things in football games. teams have different styles and different edges and different strengths and weaknesses, and that's what you're looking for. You're trying to get an educated guess, and you're trying to find an edge in the game, and then, you know, you back your opinion with some money, you know what I mean? And the sharpest gamblers in the world, that's what they do. They back their opinion with some

money, and that's what moves the lines. So say the game's three, and I like Atlanta minus three, and I bet Atlanta, well, if the bookmakers respect my opinion, they're going to move that game to four because they don't want more people betting Atlanta minus three. They want everyone else taken Seattle plus four. You know what I'm saying? I hear you. Yeah, so that's how the market works. You're just always looking for an edge, man.

And whether, I'll give you an example. Twitter was great when it first started because a lot of these athletes were tweeting stuff out. A couple years ago, one of the point cards from the Sixers, he's at a Jay-Z concert until three in the morning. They're at the after-party. He's tweeting all night until six in the morning.

He's got a game at 11 o'clock the next day. So we noticed these guys have been out all night's party and, well, you know what? That's gold. Because if one team's out all night partied and the other team's resting up, getting ready for the game, well, they're not going to perform the same.

And the next day they went out, they lost by 35 points. We bet the other side because we knew they were out partying all night. So information not factored in the line is where you can find gold in these games. Now tell these people what your website is. So they go over there today

and they can make a little fucking baccala. What's your website? Hey, you go to the PhillyGarfather.com. It's cheap. It's 33 cents a day. It's a subscription. base website. We've got over 1,200 subscribers already that signed up in the past 11

weeks. You go on there, and if you like what you say, you bet a little bit, you know, with your local bookmaker, whatever, and you make a couple of bucks and you have some fun doing it. It's a good time, you know what? And you do this year-round? I do it 24 hours of day. Baseball, hockey, any MMA stuff yet? We do every, boxing,

MMA, hockey, baseball. Whatever we think there's an edge, we bet. We don't just bet to bet. Some days we might not even bet at all. Some days we might the five, six games. You know, it depends what sport, depends what time of the year. But we're not gambling, just a gamble,

we're gambling to make a profit. This is what we do. I've always, I met a guy out here from Philly that was a blackjack player. RJ, have you, you know him, right? I don't know.

I might know. What did you count cards? Yeah, a good guy, counting cards. I met him when I was opening for dice. Like 98 and a very, Vegas and this guy I think I told you the story. As a friend of our Steve Simone, who's also from Philadelphia,

a Philly comic, just made me some tremendous chicken cutler. My wife was born. I'm going to give him a shout-out. And Steve and his brother's a dentist, he's getting, it's amazing. The Philly connection that we have, but we went to open up for dice, and this guy would take us at night, and he would go into a casino. Steve, it was amazing. They'd take him into a back room, an armed guard would come with his dough,

and he'd bet for an hour. He'd win $60,000, and we'd win. We'd leave. We'd go eat Chinese food. He'd give us all two grand, and we'd fucking leave. You can't beat that. I can't beat that. I'll tell you what he's doing.

He's a count card. So he's got a positive negative count because we can't cost too down here, but they kind of banned us from A.C., so now we don't count as much as we used to because it's really a job. Like, you got to sit there. You got to play every hand. You got to find the edge, find that right count, say plus 20. Once you reach like a plus 20 or a plus 17 count, and then you start unloading, and then, you

make some money that way. You're looking for an edge, just like anything else. Whether it's blackjack, whether it's poker, whether it's sports gambling. If you can find an edge, you can make some money gambling. What do you like today out of both games? What do you think about the New England Texan game? Because my man, Lysayat, my little partner in the podcast, he's got his little fucking number 12 shirt on, his little New England. He shaved, he greased his hair, dude. He's ready for the game today. I got some bad news for it. This is what's going on. Sometimes you've got really

pay attention to the market. Last week, every favorite cover. spread. So the bookmakers got crushed. And that was the first time that happened since 1986 during Wildcar weekend, and every favorite covered. So what do the bookmakers do? They've got to protect themselves because they know the following week the betting public is going to be betting the favorites again. So they don't want to lose money. They're going to lose money to make money. You know what I mean? So what they're going to do is they're going to inflate a line. And what that means is today's line is what, 10. Say, you know, England's laying 10 on, on chasing that. I think there's some nines out there. Let me double check real quick. All right, the game's

down to nine, nine and a half, ten in some places. But our math guys, the guys that I work with, they got some real smart guys I work with, they're telling me the game should only be seven. So what that means is the bookmakers are making you pay a premium on the game. So they're inflating the line three points. That line should be only seven. But they know since everyone's going to bet in New England,

you know what? Screw, we're going to make a 10, and we're going to cover ourselves on the teasers, on the parlay cards, we're going to charge them extra juice and we're going to make extra money. So what that means is you're paying a premium on New England. That line's way too high. and that's why we like Houston.

We took the 10 on Houston, and we think that number's too high. Any team that's won 13 games during the season should not be 10-point underdogs in the playoffs. So we like Houston. So I got some bad news for your buddy over there. That's all right. It makes me nervous. The Patriots always, they have problems with people they beat before. But the question I have for you, Steve, is hockey is coming back.

And it's coming back, and it's like a quarter of a season. It's going to be really quick. Is that going to, well, that caused problems for you? because, I mean, they're going to start in, like, a week. So, like, you can't, you can't, like, there's no studying time. Are you guys worried about hockey? No, not really. I mean, the bottom lines, we've got some hockey guys that have been doing it for a long time.

So there's been strikes before, so they know how to adapt. They know how to follow the market correctly. So they might wait a week or two before everything starts flowing, trying to get these teams, see who's telling, who's not, done, see what problems are on different teams, gather information from different trainers that we have all around the country and from our guys. And, you know, we take our time.

We don't rush. We don't jump in. We take our time. We look for an edge. And we find that edge. We exploit. And the one question I had for you before I give you back to Joey is I was thinking about it. And, of course, you're going to say yes because it's your business.

But what does it take for people? Like, is it possible for someone to just be a gambler and make a living now? Like, it seems like it would be really, it seems like it'd be almost impossible. No. Listen, there's poker players doing it. There's blackjack players don't. it. There's professional sports gamblers doing it. If you can find an edge and you're consistent,

then you can win at gambling. But, I mean, put this way, the greatest gamblers in the world will win between 55 to 58% of the time. All these guys telling you they win 8 out of 10 and 9 out of 10 and 90%. It's all a bunch of crap. And you can make a good living win at 55 to 58% of time.

And if you have a good season, you win, you know, six out of 10 or your bets, you know, on a weekly base, whatever. And you make a good living. but there's always an edge. And if you know how the market works, if you know what you're looking for, and like I said, information not factored into the line is gold.

So if you got any kind of information that the bookmakers don't know about and it's not factored in the line, you can make some money. And that, you know, a pitcher's say a pitcher in a major league baseball game, like I said earlier, he's on my party.

It happened. It's their people, they're human, they're drinking, they're snort, whatever they're doing. They're out there, they're having a good time. Next day they got a pitch, they're not going to perform.

I don't care who you. You are. You got to really find information not factored in the line. You got to have a lot of contacts. Like I said, we've been doing this for 25 years. I mean, my right-hand man was a guy involved in the Donahey's scandal. So we've got a lot of people everywhere. And we get information, and we're looking for an agent.

And that's how we can. Well, we don't just bet because I think Atlanta's better than this team or whatever. We run the numbers. We get the information. We look at the situational factors. We look at the weather. We look at the injuries, and then we make an educated guess. And that's how we come up with our conclusions.

hypothesis is one of the most strongest things in the fucking world, you know? But like you said, once you get the hypothesis together, it don't mean shit until you fucking bet the farm. That's it. That's it. It don't mean shit. And like I said, the games I give out, there moves. We don't just get out.

If you see, if I'm giving out a game lane two, the game's moving to three, three and a half. What that means is that those odds makers respect our opinion, and we back our opinion with hard cash. We're not just giving out picks here. You know what I mean? So that's the difference between my website and other guys doing this stuff.

Steve, you're a fucking savage. I'm going to get back at you for the NCAA with some hoops and talk to you then. And once I had weed Donna, he's booked on them. We can talk a little more about that situation and beat you up there. It was a pleasure. I know you come out here from time to time and you have my number. Please call. You're a friend and you're a friend of Danny's who's like a brother.

So please don't be a stranger. I'll give you a call this week. I appreciate you have me on here. And I always remember to bet, wide and sharp and if you're none of those things but against yourself man that's all and listen man I'm gonna come to Philly the Helium so I like for you to come

to the show and we'll talk some more then all right brother but we'll definitely talk for the finals and I appreciate you calling and have a great day stay black and beautiful brother all right you got back there you have it bitches if you want to fucking gamble you know this is it Lee what did you think

Lee was cracked rather so but you know hey man everybody has their opinion No, no, and he didn't say the Patriots were going to lose. He said they were going to cover. And I hope they win. We've had this discussion a thousand times. It's about not fucking covering. I feel the same way with you.

I really fucking do. Let me give a shout out to my honor. Because I've been thinking about honor since I'm sitting here. That I didn't take, I started taking it when I was getting the headaches, I started taking the alpha brains again. Because I took a couple of weeks off. And I'll tell you what, because I was just taking 95 fucking pills a day. I take my blood pressure medication.

I take all my vitamins. I take my fucking pills to make everything the heart and the whole thing. The fish cod oils, the whole... Oh, jeez. I take all that shit. I burp a little fishy in the morning, a little sushi. You know, I take a thousand fucking pills a day. So, and I take these multivitamins.

I do this other intervener shit. So I stopped taking the alpha brains for a couple weeks. I started focusing on the immune tech, you know, And I tell you what, man, I went to meet somebody They do me a favor of people You know, they had a chart on Not Good Morning America But, but, you know, my show with Diane Sawyer

That's my bitch and shit with her little hairdo I love Diane Soie I want to eat her fucking A little blonde 68-year-old monkey She's banging Oh, Jesus But her and Obama's wife drive me fucking crazy

Really? You like you love yourself on? Oh, I love Miss Michelle Obama With all those teeth and shit That's a sexy sister But where's my man fucking Leroy neckbone I haven't heard from a couple days

Cocksucker and my other black little brother up there Sacramento I miss you guys But uh What kind of cereal do you think Mrs. Obama tastes like Oh Like those black rice Krispies

When they pop And as you're licking her little monkey You can hear a little asshole Poppa pop pop pop pop Oh my God It's just backfiring love You know The Secret Service is gonna come by now

Fuck the Secret Service They know where I'm mad What are gonna do I'm telling them People miss Obama is beautiful what are you going to do? Anyway, we're talking about you motherfuckers that Diane Sawyer showed a map the other day of all the

states, the whole country, and there's two states that aren't really overwhelmed by the flu, and it's California, I think Hawaii. You know, California, or everything else in the country was red. And you know what? People, another way to prevent the flu is, do me a favor. If you're sick, you don't feel good. Stay the fuck home! What the

fuck are you going out for? Caulfing on, my motherfuckers. The other day, I met some dude for lunch was sitting there, and this motherfucker, Every ten, now I'm stoned to the gills, right? I stop over at Divine Wellness, and I got myself one of those little kids. It was like, I had, it was like Wednesday. It was like the day after the baby was born, and I was home now, and I could relax. And I took that little bites that called 10080 milligrams of straight up THC.

You could taste the dirt from the plant in your mouth. You follow me, and I ate one of those, and I backed it up with 100 milligrams of Auntie Sophia. What's an ant. Dolores. Oh, fucking delicious. just those 100 blue with the blue packages, the blue bites, I ate one of those. And I went to meet this guy,

and I was so fucking high in my own world. He was just talking, but he kept coughing. And I kept looking at his mouth when he coughed, and I could see the particles, like the color. Like, I'm like, oh, my God. And I sat there the whole time just avoiding this motherfucker. And I got, at one point, I just got angry. I go, fuck this guy right out.

And they went to shake my hand. I knuckled him. I got in the car, and I had to wash my hands and whatever, Fabriz it when I got home. What's the shit you put on your hands? The germicide. Yeah. Yeah, so I germicide my hand, even though people don't do it because then you'll lose all the natural.

Listen, I just had contact with some fucking flu bug. You know, I got to clean my hand, so what happened? No, nothing. Have you seen that DirecTV commercial? Where the guy says, this is worse than, and then he goes, he said the dentist, his mouth is open, and the dentist sneezes into his mouth. They played it. They played it on football yesterday, and it just cracked me up. He just, this is worse then, and the dentist goes, huts you, right in his mouth.

You were sneezing a chick's pussy? No, what? Why would he sneeze into a chick's pussy? You're eating fucking some pussy. Your hair gets in your nose. You get a little tickle, and you're fucking, Achoo, you know what I'm saying? No.

You got to live a life. You got to get out more, you know what I'm saying? How's that little girl in Boston? You love it? She's good. You love her. You love her. Yeah, you love him.

You love him. You love him. He loves you. He misses your little monkey, he told me. He says, you're watching, but he misses it. He said, you got him over here, whacking off. He's lost my three pounds of sperm since I last seen him.

His titties look smaller. Don't spit on that computer. It's new. I'll fucking stab you, cossucker. Anyway, what I was saying is, if you're sick, bro, stay the fuck home. Unless you've got to make a living and whatever, but it's up to you, you're going to get a fucking pneumonia.

But do me if it won't spread your shit. You're fucking sneezing on, your hands shaking your hands. I tell you how much of a germaphobe I was. If I was dating a chick, I'd tell them I'd have to pee in fucking private places. Really? That's out. Oh, yeah.

Did they do it? No, they don't give a fuck. Women and animals, don't pee when they got to pee. To me, I wash my hands before I touch my dick. Really? When I go on a men's bathroom, I wash my hands, then I take my dick out. Then I wash my hands again. I don't want to get no fucking other people's fingerprints on my dick,

and then you've got to have some chick suck it. Now she's got your fingerprints in her mouth, and she's spreading them around, and she's cheating on you without even knowing. She's a dick sucker by proxy. Now I make out with her, and I suck your dick by proxy. Fuck you. I walk around with that shit in my hand. I clean my steering wheel every day.

I don't fuck around, man. There's too many. filthy motherfuckers out there. There's filthy people out there. There's people that leave their house without putting the odor around. That's filth. That's filth where I come from. And then they go to the gym and they walk around

with that onion searing from their fucking armpits, which makes... I should be able to fucking call the cops on somebody. If I was a real crime stop, I should be able to call the cops and say, office, this guy smells like he fucking jumped up and down and a fucking dead asshole. Arrest this

fucking guy. Oh shit Where is your bitches Mr. Big Time Pimp? What's one of my bitches called? I don't even know who the fuck called me here. I'm sitting here like patients on a monument. You got it.

And that's all. You know, if you're sick, stay to fuck home. Why are you going to get everybody else sick for? It's bad enough. You see, what's good? Is your mother okay? I thought somebody was sick. No, no.

Everyone's fine back home. But they was telling me, she works from home now, but she had to go into the office. And she drove in and paid, for parking instead of taking the train because apparently, I almost made fun of her, but I looked at the news. Apparently,

people are dying from the flu back east. 10 days. 10 fucking days. My friend Stacy out here was sick for 14 days. Just shit rides a bike and takes care of herself. You know, I'm going to go to acupuncture Tuesday. I'm going to have a do. Even she was sick. I couldn't go to acupuncture's last week. She, that bitch was sick, too.

I wonder if she sticks needles as herself. I don't know. I mean, probably. There's a fucking crazy podcast. I love. I love doing this. Thank you very much for watching this shit on Sunday. I know you're getting ready for football and whatnot. But I was talking about Onit. You know what? Add that immune

tech to that. Add the immune tech. Get it right now. Go to Onit.com and get the three packets. Get strong bone, get hemp protein, and get the motherfucking immune tech. And I'll tell you what, beat this motherfucker before it spreads. You feel anything? They have that thing now with the doctor. Tamiflu,

it's a five-day pill you take for five days. Just go get that shit. Even if you don't feel, just go to doctor tomorrow and go doc. I don't feel too fucking good. Give me a prescription of Tamiflu just so you have it. So if you feel anything in your throat like a little tickle, like you got a pubic air in there, that's when it starts. When you got a pubic air as you're driving, you're like,

I didn't eat no ass today. Why does my fucking throat have that little tickle in it every time I sing or whatever? In the car, you're trying to sing a ring when she comes on. You know, please don't stop the music. And you got that little tickle in your fucking throat. That's, you get in the flu. And you get a little bit of a headache, and your back hurts a little bit. and you already get the Tammy flu.

You pop two of those, or one of those, it's one a day. You pop 3,000 milligrams every time you go to that kitchen. Because vitamin C, a little bit only stays in your system, and you hit that chicken soup, that Jew chicken soup, that'll fucking help you. Some good fucking matzo ball soup. Jew made, that shit, there's nothing stronger than that stuff. The Cubans make some stuff that's pretty good.

Mexicans got soapa, like in Houston. You go to Houston to all those little Mexican restaurants in Houston. They come out to fucking chickens got a, claw in it. It's chicken soup in Houston. Toppittillos or something like that. This motherfucker the chicken has like potatoes and vegetables and shrimp and they put everything they got.

Like what do you got? Put a fucking leg in there. Put a dog leg. They don't give a fuck. Put cattyers. Whatever and they have a chicken ball. Like you could see the three fucking things from a chicken there. Lee, let me ask you something. How you got this a clip blocking this beautiful place? You have this fucking microphone.

You have a little. You usually mess up. I don't fuck it down. I just noticed it that the people pissed off the same Joey and we can't see your beautiful John F. Kennedy fucking luck, you know what I'm saying? So get it together. Van der Bill's on my buddy, fucking Joe Mutsu. All my boys are on Van Hennon.

I can't see without the fucking glasses. You know, I'm blind. So we were talking before Tom calls when you came in, I was saying how, and I want to get your opinion on it. I love Ray Lewis and I love what he's doing even though I'm nervous about him.

I don't like when the players and famous people always do the, I think Jesus and without him, it's not possible. And I don't know, it just makes me uncomfortable, and I don't know how you feel about it. People have their own beliefs, and everybody's entire, I believe in Santa Maria, I believe in Judaism, I believe in Catholicism, we all have a different belief. But I've never sat here and said, praise the fucking Lord. I say praise the Lord, I'm stoned. You know what I'm saying? Thank God for giving me a couple joints today, shit like that. The one that bothers me is when you know this motherfucker is not a practicing anything.

That's the people that bother me. When you know, when you see some guy win, he's like, first off or four, you know, I want to give thanks to Allah. Meanwhile, he's fucking six white fat chicks. Someone at the hotel. But meanwhile, he's giving thanks and he loves his family. It's like the big question for me lately is, bro, when you saw the baby that changed your life, no, it didn't change my life.

Didn't change my life the first time I've seen that kid. I kept snorting and they kept robbing and whatever. You have to change your own life. I like these guys that I love my daughter. love my son, but they're cheating on their fucking wife on the weekend. So how much do you really love your daughter, your fucking wife? How much did it really change your fucking life?

Yeah. You know, that's what kills me about people. Yes, when my baby was born, I got this little energy from her, but I got to be more of a fucking man now. I have to, uh, my schedule's going to tighten up. But to the, oh my God, it was the most life changed? Go fuck yourself. Go get a dick

and put up your ass and end the fucking suspense ready. That it changed and all this shit. But meanwhile, you know, You're still trying to fuck your receptionist, and you're still a piece of shit in your normal fucking life. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. At least with me, you know where the fuck you're coming from.

You know, I remember when I lived in Boulder, I can't stand when people use religion as part of their, that's what I don't like. And I understand the question what you're saying. They use their religion as part of their, it's their hook. Yeah. It's their fucking hook.

It's like when you go to a restaurant in Hollywood, and you're sitting there, and you listen to some guy, You're like, this guy has to be the gayest man in America. He was not born with that voice. But everybody's got to have a hook so people, you know, they've got to save the whales. Everybody's got to do something so people like them. You know, I was talking to Adam Hunter last night.

He was on Joe Rogan's podcast. And we're talking about people who give donations and shit that they always want people to know. You don't have to know. Everybody needs to know shit. Blow it up, you don't have to know shit, what you give. You know, I did this, I did that. Don't say characters, what you do when the light to turn the fuck off. That's what character is.

So I've never put religion. I've told you, I go to church and people are like, really, Joe, you go to church? You're talking about mugging the hooker? Yeah, I don't go there and pray for my sins. I just go because it makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I did something for myself that fucking debt. But those people who you know are lying to you, you know, Chris Brown. Yeah.

Yeah, I'd like to think that look, really? Chris Brown, really? You fake motherfucker. If you can't tell Chris Brown there's a fake, there's something wrong with you. Your parents did a shitty fucking job. You know, you've got to stop buying into these fucking idiots that are fake. All these people that you see talking on TV are fucking fakes, bro. Fakes.

Half these personalities on these fucking podcasts are fucking fakes. And if they contact me, I'll tell them which ones are fucking fakes. And they know it. They know that I know. That's why they don't fuck with me. Because they're fakes. They don't practice what the fuck they preach. Me, I'm a fucking scumbag.

And I did whatever the fuck. But I give people the respect they fucking give me and the respect they fucking deserve. You want respect? You got to earn. fucking respect. But you're going to come out there with that religious bullshit that, you know, thank God for praise and Allah or whatever the fuck. Go fuck your mother. Stop

faking. That's what keeps me to fuck out. It used to creep me out more 20 years ago. It's like the guy's in jail when you go to prison. The whole time you walk in, praise the Lord, brother, the Lord healed me. But two minutes there outside that fucking fence, that Bible was up in the air and they're back out there smacking hose and

bitches and doing whatever the fuck. I was never one of those. You know what, man? sometimes I wake up in the middle of night and I get so angry at my parents my mother especially for raising me the way she did but some nights I wake up and I'm so fucking happy because she taught me the truth and how that perceives. I could see a fake

I've seen a fake coming 30 years ago I could see a fake fucking person coming 30 years ago and the fakesest people are some of the black people and some of the Latins out here like the Latin's idea with out here they're fake not like Felipe and George Perez and Gabriel not the comedians but like the Spanish actors

that do all the organizations and whatever. Speaking of a Spanish motherfucker like this guy. Oh shit. It's my brother Tommy Buns. What's happening? What's happening, man? Tom's the Gur on the line. I'm happy that you called up, buddy.

I've been thinking of you a lot. I miss you. What's up? What's going on in Tom Segura's world? The executive fucking producer of Debt Squad over on the other side. What's going on? I'm doing good, man. I'm just enjoying this beautiful morning

and drinking coffee. and rejoicing that I get to talk to my buddy Jose Diaz. Where's your wife at? Casey. Oh, fuck her. She's over there freezing her ass off right now, thinking whether she should walk the hooters or where the fuck she's going to get lunch at.

That's a nightmare right now being in cold weather. It sucks, dude, and it makes you, it totally reinforces. I mean, I know it's a cliche, but, like, there really has nothing better than living in Southern California, man. Like, when you get to, when you're on the road, and you do like Winnipeg or Chicago and you fly back here you're like fuck that other city

there's no way to live like that man that shit is the worst and especially after you lived out here for so long like you know just to like this morning I had to get in my car whatever and it was frozen but it wasn't yeah it wasn't what it would be in New England right now that you've got to start and go into house

take a shower feed the cat wash your ass fuck the wife and you come out and there's still ice on your windshield You don't need an ice pick to see out the windshield. Oh, God. You start that shit up. Do you know what they do in, like, the coldest places? I didn't even know this existed, man.

I didn't even know this happened. Like, in Calgary, they were telling me that you hook your car up to, like, some type of device that keeps the engine warm. Otherwise, you have to get up throughout the night to start your car so that it, it's, you It doesn't freeze over in the, like, for the morning. So if you don't have your engine heated, your car just won't even turn on. That's how cold it is. Fucking crazy. We're so spoiled out of it.

I know. We really are. Did you watch the Colorado get a Denver game yesterday? It's one of the greatest games of all time, Joey. It's one of the greatest football games I've ever seen. Let me tell you something. Lee, say hello to Tommy Buns. Hey, Tom.

There's the flying Jew. Hey, what's up? Flying. That's Lee said that. the flying Jew. It's so funny how you said that because Lee, I think either Lee put it on Twitter or Facebook yesterday, he goes, I love playoff football because

the games are fucking sensational. Yesterday's game was sensational, but you also got to remember when Elway beat the Browns with the drive. Oh, was that? Yeah, 87 playoff. You also got to remember when Miami played the charges with Kellyn Winslow. Nobody in this room

remembers that. 19, January of 82, they went into like nine overtimes, and San Diego was snorting up a storm. I think they ended up losing the whole thing. San Diego lost, but they stayed down there with Muncie, Chuck Muncie and Joe

Dan Fouts, but they beat the fuck how to Kellan Winslow. They would carry him off the field, take him to the sidelines, give him a bump. They'd shoot up his fucking knee with some blow and some whatever they, and they put him back out and then he'd catch the ball again, he'd get tackled, they'd put him again, shoot him up again,

and it was fucking tremendous. But yesterday was amazing. And my heart goes out to that fucking dude from Denver. What a year he had? What's his name? Oh, yeah. Payton Manning. What a fucking year.

I love that white motherfucker with all my heart. I really do. That's the last little badass white dudes. When you watch, we talk about like how good certain players are, I mean, you've got to think about this when you think about Peyton Manning.

He was on the Colts for a year where he didn't play at all. Just stood on the sidelines, right? His last year there. And they lost every single. single game once he was injured every game then he comes to Denver which was

so so and they win what 14 games like that's a guy who individually is that fucking good you play without him your team is shit you get him and you win fucking 14 games and you know what he's got another year left

he's got another year left he's got another fucking year left I thought he was done Tommy Bunn's oh no yeah I thought he was done I'm fucking, I ate shit on that one. That dude is stronger than ever, and you know what? He's going to come back next year, strong than Elwood. And Elway is going to put a fucking security around him that's going to be like, fuck. I mean, he had better than Kennedy.

I mean, I'm telling you, if Kennedy would have had that fucking protection, he would have not been shot. Watch what he's going to do next year. He's going to put fucking white monsters around. Yeah, it's amazing. I love watching. And Joe Flacco, my heart goes out that I do, because that dude's like one of us. He's been pounding it for years, Joe Flacko. He's going to get in the head more than fucking Junior Seah out, that fucking guy.

Can you believe after all these years now that football makes you go crazy? No shit. And the best is when they call the NFL, and they're like, you know, oh, yeah, we're going to start a fun. Yeah, they get off the phone like, fuck those big-headed motherfuckers. Keep banging. That's how we make money. Helmets flying. You get retarded.

We fucking make money. Keep banging them fucking heads off the floor. You know what's crazy about the NFL, because the NFL clearly. they have to dance the line between obviously supplying this entertainment, but they also have to pretend like they give a fuck about what happens to players. So the players union proposed having a sideline on the field concussion specialists on every team so that if a player gets like his fucking head rock, he gets off and gets immediate attention. and the NFL said no.

And then you go like, what do you mean? No, like, you don't want a specialist that can, like, tell somebody maybe they got hit too hard, and they were like, fuck no. So they ex-nade that idea, and they're going to have to go and, you know, like the player gene is going to have to keep trying to pursue that. But the NFL, like, clearly that's in the best interest of players, but the NFL realizes, yeah, but that's not in the best interest of violent hits that people want to see, you know it's uh it just goes it's like dana white in 20 years all these guys gonna be walking around

with fucked up elbows and lumps coming out of their head and dana what are you gonna do you want a good fight they got to hit each other you know what do you got to break out the fucking buckets next you know what are you gonna do i mean that's part of the game and when you're hitting people you're not worried about your fucking head because you never think it's gonna happen to you i think by junior say i's family donating the fucking brain and starting all that fucking drama hey we know you know junior seahs shot himself and my heart goes out to the fucking family. I'm not goofing on that.

What I'm goofing on that is that it's like a big discovery for them all of a sudden, that it causes brain. You ever hang out with football players? You think they act retarded? Because they act retarded? No, they're fucking retarded from getting hit in the fucking head. When I saw Jack Lambert shaving with shit water, when I was 13, I saw Jack Lambert shaving with toilet water, dog.

Who the fuck does that? Where were you? At a camp, at offense defense camp in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Me and Dominic Specialia, God bless his soul, took a bus up there. was him in Jack Ham's camp. And I went in the bathroom. You know, those bathrooms that don't have the stall? You know, like when you're 12, bro, you shower in a fucking,

when you're 12, you don't want nobody seeing your dick, you don't want nobody seeing your asshole, and you don't want nobody seeing whether or not you got hair on your fucking puberty. You take a shower in the fucking dark. So, and here I was a germophobe. Like, I'm telling this guy at this morning, I'm a German, I walk into this bathroom to brush my teeth, and I can smell this shit,

which right away when you're a germophobe and you're 12, that destroys your all inner being. I never smelled anybody else's shit. I had my own bathroom. My mother had money. We sold drugs. We didn't fuck around with one bathroom for the whole fucking 20 Puerto Rican shit.

Fuck you. I shit in my own bathroom and I smell my own shit. When you smell somebody else's shit for the first time, that changes your fucking life. Like when you go, you ever stay in a hotel with somebody and you walk in that fucking room to pee

and it smells like that... It makes you hate that motherfucker. Like, dog, what the fuck was that light of candle? Put something in your air. I walk... I walk in it. Oh my God, I walked in that bathroom. I smelt this shit.

And I look in the bathroom like to brush my teeth. And there's Jack Lambert taking his shit with his door open. And he's got shaving thing on his face. And he's shaving the water. He's dipping the water. He's dipping the fucking bick in toilet water. With shit and other person. Are you fucking kidding me or what?

That's fucking... That's a shout out for my man in Pittsburgh, Jay Bouchero. Fucking disgusting. Fucking disgusting. Football players that fucking... The lunatics, Doug. Dude, you just reminded me. I remember going like,

remember, like, when you're like 12, 11, 12, and you go to, like, in the summertime to, like, a swimming place, like a club, a summer hangout place where everybody goes swimming. And you go, we would go to this place called Rolling Hills, like a public pool in Cincinnati,

and you go to the bathroom to change. And when you're, like, 11 or 12, there's nothing, nothing more. embarrassing and changing in front of people. You're not ready to people. Oh, it's horrible. Your tiny little prick, it totally, it fucking scares you. You have, like, maybe you have a couple hairs,

and if you came out of the water, your dick is even smaller than it's supposed to be. Oh, my God. That's horrendous. Talk, I would go to karate in my karate suit and leave that. I would go on the fucking bus with my karate suit and wait for you to look at me on the wrong side. I'll fuck you up at that yellow belt. I would choke it, and I do that, so I didn't have to change in front of the other guys. and I had a big dick growing up.

My dick was banging, plus it was uncircised. And I had that little bozo hairdo. Dude, you know, when you're 12, that bozo hairdo lasted me like four fucking years. I didn't get the full fucking patois. That was like a freshman. By that time, I was slinging dick in the shower. Like, I owned the fucking thing. What?

I hated Sean My Pinguitha out. I went to five-star basketball camp. I started changing in front of guys, but I always wore into it. Now, at this age, I'll show you my balls if you let me. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. Is that why Twitter took your picture down? Why didn't you?

No. You did your ball picture? Well, it wasn't a picture just my balls. It was an album cover. I was making a statement. That's a big fucking difference. It's not like I'm some fucking, you know, Sandusky that just takes a picture of his nuts and puts him up there

and waits him up to the first 12-year-old that bids on him. You know what I'm saying? No. I put them up to make a statement like Madonna, that this is where my balls are from. I'm selling this, you know, for whatever. And they took it down. But no, no, I won't show you my ball.

Like, it's so weird. because I got older, I went from, like, one extreme to the other Tommy Buns. Like, one minute I was hiding in the corner, showering, like, a little fag. And once you go, like, I was telling, I was telling Lee's before. You know, I used to be a germaphobe until I went. When you go to prison, you lose all the fobs. There's no more fobes. What we're going to do?

Tell some six-foot-four black guy that I'm claustrophobic, they'll fuck you the death in that cell. You know what I'm saying? They'll kill you. So there's no more phobias when you go to prison. So you have to take a shower. No, no, no, no. Let me tell you why I had to take a shower with boys the first time. Sacred Heart School for Boys.

Let me tell you what I did one time. I took a bar of soap. I was lazy to wipe my ass. I was one of those dudes. I was always in a rush. I wouldn't wipe my full ass. And when you're a kid, your asshole don't burn. When you get older and you don't wipe your ass,

you go to rouse with that stinky ass, your ass is on fire. You got to stick your finger in there, move it around and get that little shit juice on your finger. You ever get that? You're at the deli getting that free sample of ham, and you got shit juice on your finger. finger. But when you're a kid, you can leave the house with shit on your ass.

It's amazing. It could be packed in there like a cannon and it sweats and you don't feel the burn or nothing because you got no hemorrhoids when you're a kid. And I remember one time I went to wipe my ass and I put a bar of soap in my ass and a big piece of shit came out of that bar of soap. And this little Cuban kid, this little black kid that's on Facebook. I think he's gay. He won't reply to me. Lazaro Vila, seeing that I took the bar of ivory and I just, you know, and I just, you

shoved it up my ass and took up it was like a black and white bar when I took it out right and I'll never forget that the nuns found out they made me take showers by myself I just because I had a dirty ass say Lazarido Villars do you remember he's on Facebook I tried to friend them I tried read him a note Lazarito Valar he's a black guy with a nice smile he looks gay now he's got a daughter or something but he looks kind of gay he's one of those guys I had a kid didn't realize he was gay what the fuck has Kent Millett has he accepted your face You know what? We talked for a while online, but he's so retarded, Kenvel.

That poor kid. You know what? I don't want him around me anyway to be out. Kenvella was, he was fucked up when I kidnapped him. I can't imagine him. Now he hasn't changed. You know, he hits me on Facebook from time to time, like what weird messages, and I could tell he's high. You know, I could tell.

Yeah. So, you know what? There for the grace of God go I, you know what? I kidnapped him. It was a mistake. I feel bad. I paid my duty to society, and I just got, I thought that he wanted to talk about it. and go on the podcast, because it was just a goof.

It was just a goof. You know what I'm saying? We tied them up, put them in the trunk. It's not like we bit slapped them or fucked them in the ass or something. You know, he had to go to therapy. We just threw them in the trunk and had some fun. I think what I'm going to take the most out of this conversation is I kidnapped him. It was a mistake.

Yeah, you know, it was just a bad fucking day. Sometimes you got to kidnap somebody just to straighten them out. You know what's going on in your world, Tom's the girl. Talk to me. Dude, I am. You know, I just did, man. I just fucking... I got my car fix.

I got... I had a convertible, and I had the soft top rear window. Like, I had to replace it because, like, plastic. You know, over time, the sun will, like, damage it and it'll turn colors and shit, and you can't see out of it. Okay. You know what the dealership wanted...

Because I just got to fix it. What the dealership wanted to fix it? How much? They wanted $3,000. No, no. You go on very much. you get one of those Mexicans on Vermont that is the swap meet

you go down for Vermont Plas Sina Monica you get one of those for $60, a little blood on it no biggie I got a picture for a couple hundred yesterday from just like some car enthusiast who didn't charge me $3,000

no they'll fucking rape you these car dealers say well they fucking they get you every time man so I did that and then you know I've got a bunch of fucking road date and all that shit coming up. Yeah, just working, writing and doing the same old shit, man.

I got to tell you something. You don't know this, but Lee, the Flying Jews, a big fan of you. And when your album first came out, we pumped it on the show without telling you because we both listened to it. I got to tell you something, what is it, white girls with cornrows. That's a great fucking album. Yeah. I mean, I got to tell you.

I downloaded it. I didn't even know what the fuck I was doing. I think I paid eight times for it. I didn't really. You know, but I didn't give a fuck. You know, people support me, and you got to support other people. That is a great... You ever watch a UFC fight, and you see a guy, like, last night the kid was picking Nate Mark wore apart.

It was a very technical fight. You're a very technical stand-up comic, man. I wish I had what you have, Tom. Your writing is to a different fucking level on that album. And I think Lee files. I think Lee feels the same way. We discussed it, how you're in our CDs were great, but yours was just, a technical beauty. It was just

if I had that talent, I wouldn't be doing this fucking podcast with this cock-sucking Jew right now. I'd be at home scratching my balls, drinking fucking Jew juice. No, but seriously, you know, white chicks with cornrows was a great album. And I mean, up there with

Bicentennial Nigger by Pryor, one of those type of albums. It's technical, it's real stand-up, and I admire you to the end. That's why you called into that. I didn't want to tell you that. I was going to promote the album for you, even talk about it's a great album man you're sweet man thanks a lot joey hey you know man uh i love being inspired

especially when it comes to stand up you know when somebody tells me they've been writing and all this shit and i go see them and they come out with a dirty joke i get my heart broken it's garbage yeah you tell me you're writing and you're writing and you're writing pussy jokes and dead whatever jokes i don't want to hear that shit your shit is uh what i'd aspire to be if i had the intelligence man so my heart goes out it's a fucking album, you know. You're making me blush. No, I tell it how it is.

Sometimes I call people. I watch a special. Because when you watch the Showtime specials and you buy albums, you're expecting this big fucking thing, you know? And that's why I don't put out albums, because I never thought I could do what a lot of people do. And you want to be inspired.

I watch D.L. Euglies, especially a year then. He's out there walking around talking to black people. That's not what I wanted to watch. I want to see old-time stand-up again, and you're not seeing it. I watched somebody a month ago. and they told stories about celebrities. That's not what I want to see.

I want to see the setup and the punchline and your heart and your soul and your album really had it, man. So I'll stop blowing smoke up your ass and love you for what the fuck you are. Cocksucker. Thanks, brother. Thanks, brother.

I appreciate it. What did you think of the album? We loved it. Lee did it a couple times. Lee even told me. Yeah. Lee goes, I really liked that fucking album, man. I saw you in San Diego with Kyle Ceneen.

It was a great show. Oh, yeah, man. that was a blast man He drove down there to see you guys So he drove So this guy And I like when he tells me this shit When I talk to Lee

Who's my partner And my CD and he goes bro I went to see Kyle and Tom And they were great And he tells me he's going You know I love it because he's a real fan of comedy

So you really did a good job On that time I got to really hand it to you If I was going to write a CD I'd have to hire you to help me Because You're a fucking savage You're Tommy Buns

As a matter of fact Guess who I got hit up by yesterday I got hit up by Mrs. Kreischer on email. I'm going to go over there this afternoon. I'm going to invest in Girl Scout cookies for his two daughters. Me too, man. I got hit up yesterday.

I wrote them both back. Uncle Buns is definitely going to buy a few boxes. Me too. I'm going to hit them up. I got them for ten boxes. Is that not the best family? Are they not the cutest fucking family? Those two girls kill me.

They kill me. And Leanne is great. I mean, I love the Chrysers. I really. And the little girl, the young one, the one that looks like, his wife? Leanne, yeah. The one that he says is Helen.

on wheels she is adorable yeah she really is adorable she they send you the picture yeah has any part in that it really fucking does it really i love bert's fan i mean she's got begzidi for me but the girls those girls are gorgeous and the ones really witty and the ones like the devil and you love her you're like this is fucking great and bert's great around them i know but you think like you see those and you imagine fucking gorgeous people like okay girl you're like, this is impossible. There's no way this is a real thing. It's amazing.

It's the cutest fucking thing ever, though. I've done over 100 podcasts with beauty. I've done 50 with these. I've done like 20 Joe Rogans. I've done your podcast. One of the best podcasts we ever sat up on, I think, was the Burke Kreisian pilot that day with the family. Joey, that's like, if I were going to,

I've been part of at least a couple of hundred podcasts. That's the most, hilarious and just engaging and compelling thing I've ever been around was you and Mr. Christ. Oh my God. That's the best thing I've ever seen.

Listen, for people to get that out of me, they have to be a certain type of person. And I've just felt comfortable around his family, and I usually don't feel that comfortable around that many white people. But let me tell you something. His fucking family is just great, and his father's great. And I tell you, Bert,

When I sit with Bert and I have coffee sometimes, I can't believe the guy's sitting with me. Like, I sit there and I go, this is Bert Kreis. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, he's such a nice guy compared to where I... Oh, he's the sweetest. Yeah, he's the sweetest guy.

We're really lucky. We're really lucky. What are you going to say to him? Hey, Tom, I listen to your podcast, and I was going to say, the next time you have Joey on, you have to have him talk to your dad because that would probably be the same thing.

You know, that would be fucking amazing, man. We can probably set that up. Set it up. Let's do it. Yeah, it would be pretty My dad loves to talk about taking shit So I think maybe we could have A pretty amazing segment if you come on

And talk to him He has nothing but stories about shitting Oh my God, I loved I took a shit yesterday that was brilliant You ever take one of those shits that You're just sitting there And you're thinking about something But when you look at it you're like, damn

That motherfucker is long I've been shitting these 30 inches lately These 40 inches because I'm eating high-fiver And they come out with like the popcorn one in them. I love when they have like designs in them. Like you see what you ate. Like I used to eat I used to eat Swiss granola all the time in Boulder. It's like a natural thing. It's like a

bedel of granola with yogurt and fruit and pineapple. A little pie. Oh my God, it was amazing. And I'd shit and you can see it. It's like a piece of art. Yeah, oh, little granola and it looks like those murals on the side of the five. You know what I'm saying? They have all different colors in them and shit. I like that sometimes

you get a little blood on it. That's tremendous. I just leave it there and look at it. I I popped the hemorrhoid last week, and I popped it while I was wiping my ass. You ever have that? Like, you scrapped the hemorrholy, and all of a sudden it bleeds all over the place, and you're wiping, and you just got to leave a piece of toilet paper in there, fucking. You take it out later. Does it hurt when you actually pop it?

Oh, no, it doesn't hurt. You feel, it's like taking a scab off your knee when it's wet or something. Like, your hemorrhoom must have a scab on, and I ripped the scab off. And then I was just bleeding a little bit. But I don't even feel, I don't get hemorrhoys like most people. I get them once in a while. You take a big shit, eat a jalapeno or something. The next thing you know, your ass is on fire.

If you stray, do you remember, oh, dude, you know what I realized is that when I first got to know you and, like, Rogan and Ari, that's when, you know that I was, I was literally traumatized by that Jew Klam video of Ari's asshole? I never watched it. I would never watch it or haven't? No, I never watched that. I don't want to see some. It's one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life. I know Ari. He's a filthy fucking Jew.

He's one of the, he's one of the, he's one of the, he's. he's from the other side of the rocks in Jerusalem he's from the other side of railroad tracks dog in Jerusalem that's a filthy fucking Jew filthy I love him it looked like a tire was coming out of yeah like it has the flying do you see it have you seen it Lee

I haven't I haven't seen that I don't want to watch two two girls one cub that's fucking weird I've heard about it but I haven't seen it it's one of the words and I was so I was so fucking stunned by it that I fooled Brian aside Redband and I was like Hey man is he okay

Like you might need to take him to a doctor or something And he just started laughing like oh no he's fine I was like that's the worst thing I've ever seen in my life Was Ari's asshole I couldn't believe he's shit out of that thing You gotta look it up Joey I see it I remember we were talking about it for weeks But the best thing ever we were in Ontario

And sometimes that Ontario rides a long one And I must eat in sushi So by the time I got to unsaid You know when you eat sushi you got a sudden nerds Take a shit right at the sushi and you got to go to the bathroom and take shits

with other Japanese people taking their little wasabi assholes and shit you can smell a wasabi juice in the air and it's so funny that I was I get to Ontario I take this shit

and it's got to be 60 inches but the top it had a little bit of blood and I went to flush the toilet and I go no no no no Rogan was on stage so I waited I went I kept giving him beers

I kept sending him a beer so I know he's got a little bladder when he gets off stage he has to piss So I put green onions on it And I put ketchup on the shit And this motherfucker Came in, it's like, that was a great show. Oh, my

God, I did some... And he goes right to the bathroom. Also, I hear, oh, my God! He walks out. He goes, who took his shit? And I go, me. He's like, Joey, you got to see a doctor. There's blood all over. You know, there's nothing Like when guys get together and tell shit stories because we really, really love him.

Yeah. I took a shit in a box in prison. in a cheese box, those government boxes. I took the cheese out, but I took a box and the shit covered the whole box. It's like 36 inches of shit. And I took the American flag off the American cheese, and I put it on the shit. And I put the cover on him, put it in this biker's desk.

Like one of his sons of anarchy, I put it in his drawer in his room in prison. His room, the whole fucking corridor smelled so bad, nobody could figure out what it was. When he pulled that shit cadaver out of his desk, it was a shit cadaver. It had like the mummy juice around it. It was in there. For like a fucking month This guy was pissed

He was walking around with the box Who's shit in my desk And the shit had shrunken From like three feet to like two feet It looked like snake skin How long did it take him to find it Like two months Oh my god

And it was getting worse and worse But this guy was a filthy animal He wouldn't go on his fucking bureau Who doesn't go on their desk So that's how I knew He was a filthy fucking savage He wouldn't take showers and shit So that's why I took the shit in the box

And stuff like that Tom's a good Where are you at next week? I'm going to be in Baltimore at Magubis in Baltimore. What's up, Raven? You can come and see me before the AFC championship game, and the week after in Cleveland, C-Town, at the improv. So you're in the Magoobis, the 17th, 18th, and 19th,

and then you're at the Improv, the 24, 25th, and 26th. Cleveland, with Lee. My man, Lee. Lee. With Lee, yeah. Send that cock sucker, my love, with a sleep apnea. Absolutely, and flying Jew, good to talk to you, man. Thanks, buddy.

I love you. I love that. For people who don't know, your podcast is your mom's house, and it's great. Great podcast, man. Thanks, man. You're a great deal. We've got to have you back on again, D.S. Let me know.

You moved. I heard you moved, and you got a nice place, so, yeah, I love to come over. That'd be great, man. I love you. You're the best. I love you, man. Good luck with everything this year. We'll talk on a few weeks.

Okay, buddy. Have a great day. Lee, it's 10, fucking 30. Yeah, good podcast. Lee, you've been talking for two hours. You're going to get your shit together, Cox. I've been talking. Again, I want to give a shout out of the special thanks for everybody who gave me love this week over the baby.

It meant a lot to me. I even cried a couple times because I couldn't believe all this love was on Twitter. And I talked shit about you guys about two years ago, but now we've created a family. And if you've got questions, go to Jill Himitsu. She's my fucking underboss now. She's the Gemma of Debt Squad. I send her my date. She's doing a great job.

Also, this Thursday, I'll be at the Irvine Improv 8 p.m. With my man, Yoshi. We have two great podcasts the next day for you. Make sure you listen on Wednesday. We got Yoshi calling in. And the maker of the banana bread, the original Dory, calling in. Tomorrow, I don't know who's calling in.

I got a couple people on the line. Friday, January 25th, please. Let's pack this fucking show at Flappers. We've got to show these crows. Christians who's running shit, that squad up here. Two shows, 8 and 10 o'clock. Go to flappers.com, clicking the Burbank and get your tickets.

And also on the 24th the day before is the release of Testicle Testament for how I got into comedy and what made me going to go on the comedy. It's a good one. And hopefully we're going to do another live Testicle Testament in February and take on the road this year. Anything from you, Lee, what's happening in your world?

Nothing. Just, uh... Been working everything good, Cox. You're looking good. Thanks, buddy. The beards growing. You're like a terrorist. I want to see how long you can get.

And besides that, do me a favor. Get your health in order this year. I've been doing these blood tests lately. You know, doing all these shows and fucking clamorating with you guys. It makes me want to live now. Go to Onit.com. They're doing great things for your health.

Even if you just get the starter package, mix and match. Get the immune for sure to fight the flu. Why be sick? Life is too fucking short. Get the strong bones. So if you're fat, you can walk around and your feet won't hurt,

and your knees and your joints. And also try to hemp. I gave some to my man. Epstein, who called Einstein. Yeah. I brought down some alpha brain. I brought down some immune tech. I brought down some hemp yesterday.

He called me up. He's like, this fucking protein shake is deliciously. With a banana and an egg and a little bit of fucking peanut butter, unfucking believable. We've got to get you on it. Oh shit, I'll try it. You don't love it. Your fart smells.

It's hemp protein. So go to honor.com. They're great friends. They're looking out for you. Thank you very much. Listen to the church of what's happening. Now, if you want to leave me a message, go to Joey Cocoa Diaz.

And go to that box there. We're going to have a new web page up soon with T-shirts and cups and the whole fucking thing. All right, Lee. You're happy now, cucksucker? I'm thrilled. All right.

I love you guys. Have a great day with your families. Thank you very much for watching the church of what's happening. Now, hit him, Lee. Hit me with some fucking music. What do you got for me? I got a little deppelin.

All right. Well, fucking. Oh, shit. Motherfuckers. That's as good as it gets right there. It was the name of morning. Wednesdays. We should know.

What? Let's draw my hand. Stop it. Have a great day.